Captain Wagner is called to the Stand

Submitted by Bits and Pieces

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"Well, that was an interesting testimony," Judge Harry Stone said as he stretched his arms out briefly, trying to get the kinks out of his back. This was turning into quite a long trial. He grabbed a deck of cards from under the desk, and began to shuffle them absently. "Who's next, Bull?" He asked his trusty Bailiff. "No, wait," he jumped in before Bull could answer, "Let's take five before the next witness is brought in."

Bull nodded. "Good thinking, Judge."

Harry banged his gavel. "Everybody take five minutes!" He called out. Then he looked over at the court stenographer. "Say, Bits and Pieces, why don't you fill me in on what we've got so far?"

"Please, Judge Stone, call me Janet," Bits and Pieces answered, yearning for a little less formality, "At least during the break."

Harry smiled. "Okay, Janet, what have we got so far?"

Janet smiled back, and then looked down at her notes. "Well, so far, we've had thirty-four testimonies, six recesses, three lunch breaks, one medical intervention, and two overnights; which means we're on the third day of the trial."

"Is that all?" Harry looked astounded. "It feels like we've been here for weeks!"

Just then Carter and Newkirk wandered over to the bench, overhearing the tail-end of the conversation. "Say, it has felt like weeks!" Newkirk exclaimed, and then looked over at Hogan, who was still sitting in his spot in the front row, trying to hold still while Wilson took out the I.V. "Hasn't it, Colonel?" He asked him.

"Yeah, it has, Newkirk," Hogan replied, "So, how much longer is this thing going to go on, anyway? I've got things to do back in camp, you know!" He gave Wilson a frustrated look as the medic put a bandage over the place where he'd just removed the needle.

"Well, I suppose that depends on how many more witnesses we have to hear from," Harry answered. "Believe me, you won't be the only one relieved when this thing's over!"

"I hate to interrupt, Judge," Bull piped up, "But it's time for the next witness."

Harry sighed. "All right. Everyone, please take your seats. Let's continue, shall we?"

Newkirk and Carter went back to their seats, Carter still trying to get the last of the blue dye off of his face.

"Your Honor, the prosecution calls Captain Friedrich Wagner to the stand!" Bull called out loudly.

All eyes turned toward the door as a tall, rather serious looking man entered, dressed in a Gestapo Captain's uniform. He wore glasses, and his brown hair showed signs of receding, but he had strong features, and would certainly be considered handsome.

Janet's head flew up at the mention of his name. What on Earth is he doing here? She thought, surprised. And he's testifying for the prosecution! She also couldn't help noticing that he looked almost exactly like her husband.

Wagner walked up to the witness chair, and placed his hand on the book that Bull was holding out in front of him. He looked at the title, and then back up at Bull in confusion. "The Bluejacket's manual?"(1)

Bull looked embarrassed, and then just shrugged. He swore Wagner in, and the Captain took his seat.

Riker moved in to start his questioning. "So, Captain Wagner, you are what they call, an O.C.; an Original Character, am I correct?"

"Yes, sir." Wagner answered.

"And as such, you don't really know the Hogan's Heroes characters that well, do you?"

"Well, I just met some of them a few months ago. But I'm sure I'll be spending more time with them."

"You'd better be!" Hogan spoke up from his seat in the front row. "Newkirk and I are still waiting for you to get us out of Gestapo Headquarters!"

"What?" Hochstetter shouted, leaping to his feet. "Is this the spy you mentioned in your testimony, Bits and Pieces? I should have you shot! I should have you all shot!"

Harry banged his gavel. "All right, that's it! Hochstetter, you're out of here!" He motioned to Bull to have the Major removed from the courtroom, then added, "You can come back once you decide to behave yourself."

"You haven't heard the last of me!" Hochstetter yelled as he was being dragged out of the room by a couple of guards, frantically clutching his notebook in his hands.

"Okay!" Harry said when things once more quieted down. "Let's continue, shall we?"

Riker shook his head, trying to remember where he was. Oh, yeah. "So, Captain, even though you're new to the whole HH scene, as it were, you are still aware of what kind of pain these characters, and you, can suffer at the hands of the writers, correct?"

Wagner looked confused. "Well, I guess so." He said.

"And didn't you even have to endure some abuse by your father, and in the end, have to kill him yourself?"

"But that's because he was going to shoot Newkirk!" Wagner exclaimed. "I couldn't let him do that. He's the first real friend I've ever had."

A collective, "Awww," reverberated throughout the courtroom.

"So, you felt emotional pain for your friend, and physical pain from the abuse you suffered."

"Objection!" Mason spoke up. "The prosecutor is putting words in the witness's mouth!"

"Overruled," Harry stated. "I'd like the witness to answer the question."

"Yes, I did feel pain." Wagner admitted.

"That's all I wanted to know. Your witness, Mr. Mason," Riker finished.

Mason got up and approached the stand. "Captain Wagner, you yourself testified that you've only known these characters for a few months. Is that correct?"

"Yes, sir," Wagner answered.

"So apparently you didn't even exist until a few months ago."

"I…I guess so." Wagner was starting to look confused.

"So, if you were just arbitrarily created for the purposes of being a part of a story, then you could just as easily be dispensed with, couldn't you?"

Wagner's brow furrowed. "I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at, Mr. Mason."

Mason inwardly smiled. "If you can be instantly created by a writer, then you can be instantly disposed of the same way. Wouldn't you agree, Captain Wagner?"

"Well, I…"

"Which would logically mean, wouldn't it, that you don't really exist in the first place!" Mason's voice rose as he finished his sentence.

"But…" Wagner was trying to wrap his brain around what Mason had just said, "But, I'm here, aren't I?"

"Are you? Or are you just a figment of someone's imagination; a facsimile, if you will, created for the sole purpose of advancing a story plot…only to be thrown into the trash when your usefulness is finished?"

Wagner looked at Janet desperately. "You'd never do that to me, would you?" He pleaded.

Janet stopped taking notes and looked back at him. "No, of course not! Why do you think you're in my current story? I could never throw you away!"

"Objection!" Riker called out. "The court stenographer has no business responding to this testimony!"

"Overruled," Harry replied, "As his creator, she has every right to respond."

"Then I'd like to direct my question to the author," Mason said. "Ms. Bits and Pieces, isn't it true that you could get rid of this character, given the fact that you created him in the first place?"

Janet looked hurt that she'd even have to consider it. "Well, I suppose…" she responded after a moment.

Mason smiled. "So you could, in effect, erase him from existence, and he would be gone forever."

"I guess, maybe, I don't know, I never thought about it like that…"

"No further questions, your Honor."

"Redirect, your Honor!" Riker called out as he stood up.

"Go ahead." Harry told him.

"Captain Wagner, do you think it's possible for Ms. Bits and Pieces here to erase you?"

Wagner thought for a moment. "Well, if she created me, then, I suppose it might be possible."

"And if she did, what do you think would happen?"

Wagner shrugged; he'd given up trying to figure out where this was going. "I have no idea."

"Well, do you think it's possible that you would just cease to exist?"

"Objection!" Mason shouted, "Any answer from the witness would be merely an opinion."

Riker turned to Harry. "Your Honor, these are the same questions the defense asked!"

Harry gave his cards another shuffle under the desk. "I'll allow it," he said, "But get to the point, please."

"Thank you, judge." Riker turned back to Wagner. "Please answer the question, Captain."

"I suppose anything's possible."

"But you would still exist in her memory, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, that's true."

"And you would still exist in everyone's memory that read the story she wrote that included you, correct?"

Wagner sat up a little straighter. "Yes, I would, wouldn't I?"

Riker inwardly smiled. "So, even if she could 'erase' you, as it were, she could never erase the memories of you. You could never 'cease to exist'. The most she could do would be to simply not use your character again."

"That's right!" Wagner exclaimed excitedly.

"So, if you exist, and you can feel pain, which you admitted to earlier, then you must be real." Riker finished with a satisfied look on his face. Then he walked back to his desk. "I have no further questions, your Honor."

* * * * *

As Wagner stepped down, Judge Stone announced another five minute break. Wagner started to make his way out of the courtroom, when Janet caught up to him.

"At least let me walk you out of here," she said, feeling very confused at this point whether she'd helped the prosecution, or the defense.

"You'd never try to get rid of me, would you?" Wagner asked her, concern evident in his voice.

"No, I'd never get rid of you!" Janet smiled at him reassuringly. "As a matter of fact," she continued, once they'd reached the hallway outside of the courtroom, "You look very much like my husband, you know. Do you think it would be cheating if we, um, spent some time together later? He's in Africa, you know; won't be back for five more months." She looked at him invitingly, promising an interesting evening with her eyes.

"Wouldn't he object to that?" Wagner asked, finding himself tempted, but not wanting to risk angering a protective spouse.

Janet sighed. "You're right. I could never cheat on him. Oh, if only I hadn't made you look like him!" She smiled and gave him a wink, and then returned to the courtroom, taking her place once again as the court stenographer.

* * * * * *

The Bluejacket's Manual is the official handbook of the U.S. Navy.

A/N: And I did let my husband read this, and he was okay with it!