Christmas was a strange holiday. Anakin understood the reasoning behind birthdays, but this was like birthdays on drugs. Still, as he sat on the couch with Padme curled up against his side, his arm wrapped around her, and surrounded by the people he cared most about, he couldn't help but think that this would probably become his favorite holiday if they were all like this.
It had been a wild morning. Anakin and Padme, after being out late the night before, had announced their engagement to Anakin's family around the breakfast table. His mother had been overjoyed and immediately jumped up from her chair and enveloped Padme in a big hug before hugging her son and giving him a kiss on the cheek. Cliegg, a more reserved man like his son Owen, smiled and congratulated them and welcomed Padme into the family, shaking Anakin's hand firmly as he did so. Owen, of course, had to make a joke about Anakin finally settling down, and although Anakin laughed for Owen's sake, he couldn't help but look at the man who had raised his son and feel…resentment? Jealousy? He wasn't sure what to call it exactly, but he silently vowed that if he did have the opportunity to raise Luke and Leia in this world, they would be raised to be proud of their Jedi heritage, not be discouraged away from it.
Even if Anakin could technically see why Owen, at the time, had wanted to keep Luke from finding out about Anakin and the Jedi, it still...irked him nonetheless.
Right after breakfast, before they moved into the living room to open presents, Padme had called her own family to tell them the wonderful news. As she did so, Obi-Wan quietly approached Anakin with a small, knowing smile and a clap on the shoulder. "Congratulations, Anakin. I'm glad she said yes." Obi-Wan had gone with Anakin when he'd purchased the ring (after Mindy had snuck into Padme's jewelry box and gotten one of her rings for him to take so he could get the correct ring size), and he'd been the voice of reason while Anakin had stressed out about finding the perfect ring in such a massive collection to choose from.
"Thanks," Anakin smiled back. "It feels fantastic."
"That she said yes?"
"No…although that feels great, too," Anakin replied with a quick grin—he hadn't been too worried that Padme wouldn't say yes. They had pretty much already established that they were going to be together again. "It feels fantastic to finally be open about our relationship." His gaze wandered to Padme, where she sat on the couch, phone in hand as she talked to her family with a huge smile on her face. Again, he was struck by how beautiful she was, especially now, and just how much he truly loved her. She practically radiated utter joy. "I'm happy that I can finally give her what she really deserves this time around." He added softly, a small smile on his own lips as he watched his wife talk with her family.
"I'm happy about it, too." Obi-Wan quietly agreed. "And, I'm so sorry things were different before…" He trailed off, and Anakin already knew what he was thinking: things may have turned out differently had they been allowed to be open about their relationship in their old galaxy.
"It's in the past, Obi-Wan," Anakin said with a shake of his head, deciding not to dwell on it any further. He had done enough of that. "Now we can change things and move forward." He quirked his eyebrows and shot Obi-Wan a sly, knowing grin, "And, now you just need to pop the question to Satine."
That successfully caused a blush to rise on Obi-Wan's cheeks. "I…well….we haven't…we're still…"
Anakin laughed, clapping his best friend on the shoulder. "Don't stress, Obi-Wan! Do it when you're ready." Obi-Wan sighed, visibly relaxing before he nodded, making Anakin laugh harder.
Then, the gift unwrapping had begun.
Anakin had never seen so much gift wrap in his entire life. The longer the morning went on, the more paper littered his mother's floor. Anakin was pretty sure that he could swim in the paper if he wanted to.
Obi-Wan had received a nice tablet pc with a matching case from Anakin and a fancy leather briefcase from Satine. "You can use the briefcase for your company you're going to start with Anakin," Satine said with a smile, prompting a huge grin from Obi-Wan before he leaned over and kissed her softly.
It was the first time Anakin had ever seen him kiss…well...anyone. It was really strange, almost surreal.
Satine had received Chanel #5 perfume from Padme (which was apparently a big deal as Satine squealed, loudly, over it), and Obi-Wan gave her some beautiful gold earrings (prompting her to kiss him in return, and all of a sudden Anakin felt bad for all the times he had kissed Padme in front of Obi-Wan, if it had felt as awkward for Obi-Wan as it did Anakin).
Padme had received a lovely cashmere sweater from Shmi and Cliegg, and a gift certificate for what Padme called a "Spa day" from Satine, which Padme seemed quite pleased about. "I'm so going to need this once this stupid cast comes off," she said.
"That's the idea," Satine replied with a wink.
Anakin had given Padme a jazz music CD by her favorite jazz artist and a simple silver charm bracelet with one charm so far—an angel holding a tiny diamond heart. "Oh, Ani, it's beautiful!" She exclaimed as she slipped it on her right wrist and kissed him.
Yes, he decided happily, I picked the perfect presents this year, as he returned her kiss.
He himself had received a black leather jacket from his mother and a book on modern machinery from Cliegg. He had also received a really sweet tool set from Obi-Wan to help him in his "machine building adventures," as Obi-Wan called it.
And, now he held Padme's present in his hands. Everyone had finished opening their gifts, and Anakin held the last present. "You're not the only one good at picking presents," Padme said confidently with a knowing smirk on her face, causing Anakin to lift an eyebrow curiously.
"You know, you're the best present I could have, Angel. I don't need anything else but you." He told her honestly, and he was pleased to see a blush rise in her cheeks. He leaned over, his lips at her ear, his voice lowered to a husky timber so that only she could hear. "Seriously, after over twenty years of being Darth Vader…this new life with you is all I need, Sweetheart."
He had barely finished his statement before she turned her head so that her lips met his in a soft kiss. "I love you," she whispered when she pulled away, gazing adoringly into his eyes. He was aware that his family was snickering at them, but he didn't care. He would have pulled her into a deeper kiss despite them, if she would have let him. "But, I'm also pretty sure you're going to love this present, too."
"She's right. You will," Obi-Wan agreed with a nod, obviously aware of what the gift was.
Anakin sat back, "Okay, okay, if you insist, Milady." He said with a grin as he untied the ribbon and opened the lid to find…
Some sort of receipt.
Anakin frowned as he picked it up. "What is it?"
"You have to read it, silly." Padme chuckled. "It isn't something that I can technically wrap up…"
His eyes were already scanning the company name at the top: California Flight School. "Is this…what I think it is?" He asked, as he turned to her with a twinkle in his eye and hope clearly etched on his features.
"If you think it's flying lessons so that you can get your pilot's license and fly, then yes, it is." She leaned forward so that now she was whispering in his ear, "And, I'll be joining you for that, too."
Now, Anakin was really excited, grinning madly. "Okay, you got me, Angel—you're fantastic at picking presents!" He said before he wrapped his arms around her and planted another firm kiss on her lips.
She laughed, "I love it when I get to say 'I told you so'," she teased him.
"Now Ani," His mother said, "Please be careful, I don't want to lose you…"
"Don't worry about Anakin, Shmi," Obi-Wan laughed, "I guarantee that Anakin will not die in a plane crash—he would be the last person to die in one." Anakin did not fail to notice that Obi-Wan emphasized die, since Obi-Wan knew from experience that no matter how good Anakin was at flying, he was also very good at crashing.
Shmi did not seem convinced, but she didn't argue further. "Just be careful, Son."
"I will, Mom," He promised, shooting a grin at Obi-Wan, who smirked in return.
"Well, I think it's safe to pronounce this Christmas as being more than successful," Cliegg announced as he stood from his recliner. "Now, let's get this all cleaned up."
Despite the mess, it didn't take the family long to clean everything up and put away their presents, and soon the men were all back outside helping Cliegg with the cattle again (though Anakin decided to forgo the cowboy hat this time), while the women sat curled around the fireplace, chatting over coffee.
"I sort of want to go out and watch Anakin fail at herding the cows again," Satine said with a laugh, causing Padme to grin at the memory.
"Oh, Ani was never all that great at farm work anyway." Shmi said, rolling her eyes. "That boy belongs tinkering with machines, because he can fix just about anything. Anyone with eyes can see that."
Padme nodded in agreement. "It was one of the first things that I noticed about him, actually." Other than the fact that she'd been strongly attracted to him—she wasn't going to say that, but now she understood why she had felt such a strong connection to him instantly when he'd woken up on her couch and looked at her for the first time.
"Owen complains, but I also think he's secretly grateful that Anakin isn't still helping around the ranch. Even Owen knows that Anakin is awful at farm work," Beru agreed, rocking her baby girl, Kylee, in her arms. Padme did everything she could not to look Beru's way while she held the baby. "He won't admit that though. If Owen ruled the world, everyone would be farmers."
"Because that would work out oh so well," Satine rolled her eyes, prompting chuckles from Shmi, Padme, and Beru.
"Yeah, it's good that Owen doesn't rule the world then." Beru smiled, "So, Padme, when are you two thinking of getting married?"
Padme tried to force herself to relax. She had half been afraid that Beru would say something about Kylee. It was an irrational fear, but Padme had known plenty of new moms who talked nonstop about their babies, and, though love kids she did, at that moment, Padme didn't want anything to do with babies. "We were thinking of the beginning of the summer so that we don't have to worry about school. We could have more time for our honeymoon that way."
"Ah, a June wedding?" Padme nodded, and Beru's smile widened. "That sounds lovely. You know, a wedding overlooking the ocean would be beautiful. Although, planning the wedding is the most stressful part of it all, and planning during school may be challenging for you both."
"I know." Padme agreed, "But, Ani and I have waited long enough for this. We want our wedding to be as soon as our schedule allows it."
Beru blinked, clearly thrown off by the 'waited long enough' phrase, since as far as Beru knew, they had only barely begun dating, but she let her curiosity pass and didn't say anything about it. Satine and Shmi nodded knowingly, however, as they were both aware now of their situation. "Well, I'll be happy to give you advice if you need it." Beru finished with another smile.
"Thank you, Beru. I appreciate it." Padme managed to smile, but it faded when Kylee began to fuss, drawing everyone's attention to her.
Beru attempted to calm her down, but Kylee was having none of it, and her fussing soon turned to wailing. Beru sighed, standing up. "I'm going to go make her a bottle." She turned to Padme, who sat on the sofa cushion next to hers, "Do you think you could…?" She froze, a look of concern flashed on her face briefly, and Padme watched as realization dawned on her. "Oh….never mind, I'm sorry…"
"I could take her, Beru," Shmi began, beginning to stand up, but Padme interrupted her.
"No, Shmi." She said, "It's only for a moment. It's fine." She didn't know what had prompted her to say that, but watching Beru panic because she was about to ask a perfectly normal favor to a woman who had just lost her own baby made Padme a little annoyed. Sure, it had hurt to lose her baby, but she also didn't want to be treated like she couldn't do something because of it. They meant well, but the attitude was bothersome.
Beru glanced at Shmi, hesitating. "Are you sure? I mean what with…and your cast…"
"She's tiny. It won't be a bother for a few minutes." She assured her, holding her arms out for the baby. "I'm fine. I'm not a fragile princess that you need to tiptoe around, Beru. It's okay. Really."
Beru hesitated, but this time she relented and carefully handed Kylee off into Padme's arms. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
Then she was gone toward the kitchen, leaving Padme staring down at a whimpering infant.
Padme had to admit, Kylee was absolutely adorable. She had soft dark curls and pretty blue eyes that were currently glistened with tears. She was heavier than she looked, which did cause a little stress on her left arm, but not enough for Padme to complain about.
"Padme," Shmi started, and Padme could hear the caution in her voice, "I know I said this to Anakin, but I really am sorry for…"
"I know," Padme interrupted her with a nod, her throat suddenly tight. She would not cry. She had made a fuss about being strong enough to handle this. She would pull through. "Thank you, Shmi."
"Maybe it would help if you talked about it?" Satine ventured softly, attempting to be helpful, but it only made Padme want to retreat back into the room she was sharing with Anakin. She paused and flicked a glance at Shmi and Satine.
Padme shrugged her shoulders, holding Kylee closer, bending down to nuzzle her nose on the baby's forehead. She refused to think about what could have been. "There isn't much to say, is there? It happened. It's over and done with. I just hope…" she broke off, staring off across the room as if deep in thought.
"Hope what?" Shmi asked softly, gently.
Screw it, Padme thought. "I just hope that I didn't lose Luke and Leia," came her quiet reply.
There was silence.
"Those were your children back in your…past life?" Satine asked slowly, cautiously. Padme nodded, tears springing to her eyes, suddenly unable to speak now.
"You don't know that for sure, Padme." Shmi reminded her. When Padme didn't respond, Shmi exchanged a concerned glance with Satine, then cautiously asked, "Were you close to them?"
It was an innocent question. Shmi was just trying to determine how deep the problem was for Padme so that she could attempt to address it. However, it was the wrong question to ask, because as Padme opened her mouth to respond, it suddenly hit her.
She hadn't even gotten to hold them.
She hadn't just lost her most recent baby.
She had lost her twins as well.
She had never gotten to know them. She never saw them grow up, never saw their first steps. She never heard them call her 'Mom.' She never saw Leia become a senator like her or saw Luke become a Jedi like his father before him. She never got to soothe her children when they were upset, or sing them to sleep, or kiss their scrapes and bruises, or guide them like only a mother could.
The only relationship she had to them was the fact that she'd given them life.
She couldn't breathe, her chest suddenly feeling constricted.
The little bundle in her arms had gone quiet, as if sensing Padme's distress, and Padme couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like to hold her own children to her bosom like this…
Beru was suddenly there, a look of concern etched onto her face. "Padme?" She called, but her voice seemed far away. She held a bottle in her hand. "Do you need me to take Kylee back?"
Padme nodded numbly, and she couldn't get the baby out of her arms fast enough. It had been a mistake to insist that she was strong enough to do that. Before, when someone had insisted she couldn't do something because she was injured, she had ignored them and proved them wrong. But this time, the hurt was too deep, deeper than even she had realized. She had pushed it down so much, she didn't realize….
As soon as Kylee was in Beru's arms, Padme bolted off the couch, visibly shaking. "Padme," Shmi began, clearly alarmed, "I'm so sorry, Sweetie, I didn't think…"
Padme couldn't blame her. She had a feeling that even though Shmi knew Padme had died, she didn't think Shmi knew just how soon after the twins' delivery she had died. But, now it was as if the dam holding back her feelings broke, and her emotions were threatening to engulf her completely.
"I'm...I'm sorry," Padme gasped, feeling as if she were standing on legs of jelly, "I… I just...need time to be alone."
She didn't wait for Shmi or Satine or Beru to try to stop her. She whirled and stumbled away, as fast as her wobbly legs could carry her, down the hall, and to Anakin's room.
It wasn't until she had entered the room and shut and locked the door that she let the tears begin to fall, and she sank to her knees, falling forward, clenching her fists in the carpet, as great heaving sobs wracked her body.
Out in the paddock beside the barn, Anakin suddenly froze, almost getting knocked over by a cow as he did so. "Anakin, watch where you're going!" Owen hollered.
"Sorry," Anakin called back absently, still distracted.
He frowned in concern. He could feel her. Padme. And, she was in very great distress.
Even though they weren't close to the house, Anakin could feel her pain radiating off of her into the Force as if she were standing right next to him. He hadn't felt this much pain coming from her since that night on Mustafar…It was like a giant quake hit the Force, opening a fissure of great proportions.
And, her pain was hemorrhaging into the Force at an incredible rate.
Obi-Wan jogged up to him. Gone was the smiling friend who had spent the last two hours teasing Anakin about his awful farming skills. The Obi-Wan who approached him was Obi-Wan the Jedi Master, and he frowned in deep concern with his friend. "Anakin…"
"I know, I know. I feel it, too." He tried to think of a reason why she would suddenly be so upset, but he couldn't. "I need to get back to the house. Now."
"Go. I'll cover for you," Obi-Wan nodded, and clapped Anakin on the back. "May the Force be with you."
Kriff, if Obi-Wan felt concerned enough to say that….
"And with you." Anakin's mind was whirling as he turned and began to race back to the house with Force induced speed, his stomach churning with anxiety at what he would find. He hardly heard Owen and Cliegg call after him as he launched himself over the fence and ran like a madman back to where his wife was in pain.
He reached the house in record time, throwing open the French doors to the kitchen. He practically tripped out of his snow and mud caked boots, leaving them beside the door, before he stormed through the room and into the living room where Beru, Satine, and his mother were sitting and talking softly amongst themselves. When he entered, Satine and his mother gave him a worried look while Beru looked more confused.
"You're back early," Beru began, but he cut her off.
"Where is she? What's happened?" He demanded, his voice firm, eyebrows furrowed, looking at each of them.
"She's in your room, Anakin," Satine said quietly, a look of sadness on her face, her hands clasped in her lap.
It was his mother that explained. "Beru had to make Kylee a bottle, and Padme insisted that she would be fine holding her…and she was….upset at what had happened but…" His mother sighed and then frowned, looking down at her own clasped hands, "But, then I asked her if she had been close to Luke and Leia…"
He groaned, covering his face with his hands, starting to understand now. "Thanks," was all he said when he dropped his hands and then rushed down the hall towards their room.
He should have known. If he was honest, he'd been expecting something like this to happen.
When he got to the door, he paused, listening. He heard some sort of sound that might have been crying, or someone struggling to breathe.
That did not calm him at all.
"Padme?" He tried the doorknob, but it was locked. His first instinct was to use the Force to unlock it (it was a fairly simple lock), but just as he was about to do it, he felt a strong tremor in the Force, stopping him. Forcing himself in, even to comfort his wife, would not be a wise course of action right now.
He tried again.
"Padme? Angel, may I come in?" A pause. "Please?"
The sounds in the room quieted for a brief second before starting up again. "NO! Go away, Ani."
Yup. She was crying alright. Sobbing was actually a better word for what she was doing. When was the last time he had seen her do that? He couldn't think of a time when she had ever actually sobbed. It only made his anxiety worse.
How could he go away when she was clearly in such great pain? How could he go off to play cowboy and pretend that everything was fine when it very clearly wasn't?
"Padme," He groaned, leaning his forehead against the door. "Sweetheart. Please, let me in. You know I don't like it when you're in pain. Can I help in anyway?"
"Anakin," Oh Force, he'd never heard her so upset in his entire life… "Give me a bit of time to be on my own...alone." There was no room for argument in her voice. She was not going to open the door, and he wasn't about to violate her wishes by forcing himself in. She needed him to respect her wishes in this.
Be what she needs, he told himself.
But, at the same time, he also couldn't just go back out to the field or go back out to try to make small talk with the girls when he was so worried about his wife.
He sighed helplessly, rubbing his hand across his face, hating that he wasn't in there with her, supporting her, holding her. "Okay, Angel," He quietly said, "I'm here when you need me." He pulled away from the door before he turned and began to walk down the hall before stopping about halfway down, hesitating.
He couldn't go back out there and worry and pace about while other people asked him concerned questions that he didn't have the answers to. He also couldn't go barging into the room until Padme let him in. But, that didn't mean that he couldn't wait nearby and…well, perhaps meditate. It had been a while since he had meditated last. Perhaps it was a good thing that Padme hadn't let him into the room: at least now he would have the chance to calm down before he went in there.
So, leaning his back against the wall, he slid down until he was sitting on the floor, his knees bent, and he wrapped his hands around his knees, leaning his head back against the wall. He closed his eyes, drawing upon the Force. As he expected, when he reached down deep and began to clear his thoughts, the peace that came with the Force flowed through him, filling him with the Light side.
It wasn't long before he was deep in meditation, drawing impressions from the Force. The meditative state seemed to make him even more aware of his wife's distress, but in meditation, he was able to view it calmly, trying to find a pathway to help her.
When he found the answer, he wasn't exactly sure what to make of it. Be patient and understanding, it seemed to say, be prepared to be open minded and sacrificing.
Well. He would have tried to do that anyway, but to have it reinforced…
He had a bad feeling about this.
He wasn't sure how long he was there, his eyes closed, his hands lightly resting on his knees, but when he heard the door unlock and open, his body felt stiff and the natural light filtering into the hallway had dimmed. He looked towards the room, blinking as his vision adjusted, but he didn't see Padme. Just the open door. He reached out with the Force, feeling for her presence and found her still to be in their room on the bed. She was still in pain, but the level of distress seemed to be calmed some.
Slowly, wincing a bit as he moved, he stood and cautiously approached the door, peeking into the room.
The curtains had been drawn, so the room was enveloped in darkness, but he could still make out his wife's form lying down on her right side on their bed. "Padme?" His voice wouldn't rise above a whisper—it didn't feel right to speak louder in the suddenly silent room.
There was no answer.
He reached out again with the Force to determine if she had fallen asleep. She had not. She was wide awake.
Taking that as permission to enter, he slowly inched in, closing and locking the door quietly behind him. He then crept towards the bed, waiting for any sign that his presence was unwelcome.
She didn't move. She didn't say a word. She just lay there, facing the wall.
He sat down on the edge of the bed, staring at her back, trying to come up with the right words to say. "Angel," He finally said, his voice pleading, "Please let me in."
She sighed deeply then she rolled onto her back and pushed herself into a sitting position so that they were sitting side by side, hip to hip. Still, she did not look at him, nor did she say anything, but he waited patiently for her to begin.
"I thought I was okay," she finally said, softly, "But, I'm not. Not this time."
A lump formed in his throat at those words. He rarely heard defeat coming from his wife. It paralyzed him, made him feel like a clumsy, awkward Padawan again, clueless about the world outside of the Jedi Order. His mind raced, and he attempted to swallow the lump in his throat. "Angel," he began softly, "I understand…"
He didn't get to finish.
Suddenly, she was surging to her feet, whirling on him, her anger spiking, her dark eyes flashing. Even in the semi-darkness of the room, he could see tears dripping down her cheeks. "NO! Just stop, Ani! You can't possibly know how I feel! You're not a woman! You can't know the agony I feel as a woman!" Her voice was garbled, thick with tears and even a tinge of...rage.
He was shocked at the outburst, and his mind blanked. He could only stare as his wife began a tongue lashing that dug into his very soul with each word that she spoke. "You will never know what it feels like to carry another life deep inside you and all that goes along with it! The sore breasts, the morning sickness, the food cravings at all hours of the day and night…" She began pacing by the foot of the bed.
She paused, her hands clenched in fists at her sides, drawing in several deep breaths, her chest heaving with the effort, before continuing, her voice strangled with grief. "Those first precious flutters of movement only a mother can feel…the weight gain, the swollen hands and feet, the fatigue and horrible backache you have the further along you get in your pregnancy, making it impossible to sleep comfortably…"
Her voice was rising, and with it, Anakin's worry increased. He had never seen Padme like this. Ever. Even when she had threatened to divorce him back in their galaxy, she hadn't responded this way.
He opened his mouth to speak, but she wasn't done, not by a long shot.
Her eyes were red rimmed and glassy, her shoulders shaking, but she didn't seem to care. Now that she'd finally let go of the feelings bottled up inside, she couldn't stop. The dam had burst, and her feelings came rushing out in a raging torrent and slammed into him with full…well…force.
"The pain of having not one, but TWO babies using your ribcage, your spine, for kickboxing practice…and let's not forget the agony of having to birth those precious lives after all those months of carrying them inside you!" She seemed to crumble in on herself, crossing her arms across her chest and clutching her upper arms, her knuckles white against the fabric of her sweater. "You cannot fully comprehend the agony of a mother who went through ALL of that...and I went through it ALONE, Anakin, because YOU weren't there...then to just have the rest of it ripped away from her mercilessly," Her voice dropped to a whisper, her voice raw with the anguish she was feeling. "I missed it ALL, Ani. At least you got to see Luke and Leia, to touch them, to hear their voices! I never got to hold them…not once! I never got to change a diaper or cuddle them. I never got to nurse them or sing them a lullaby. I never got to hear them speak, watch them walk…never got to hear them call me 'Mom'…I missed it ALL, and nothing…nothing can change that! And, to know that I just lost another baby that I'll never get to love, never hold…"
She broke down again into sobs that ripped through her tiny frame, and she had to sit back down on the edge of the bed to keep from collapsing to the floor. Tears rimmed the edges of his own eyes as he moved to the end of the bed and immediately wrapped her in his arms, holding her tight against him, attempting to shelter her from the storm of her grief as he tried to comfort her the best that he could. He let out a shaky breath. "Oh, Angel," he groaned softly, squeezing his eyes shut as he buried his face in her soft curls, pressing kisses to the top of her head, feeling her body shaking with the force of it all.
How many times since he had gotten here had he focused solely on his own agony at having missed out on raising his children? Too many times to count. Yet, he had not once thought about how Padme would react to having lost the opportunity to mother her own children, and he suddenly realized that she was right: her loss and her anguish far exceeded his own. He couldn't, as a father, fathom the depth of this wound that she carried, would always carry, and he felt helpless in that moment, especially since it had largely been his own fault that she had lost Luke and Leia as she had. What could he say? How could he even begin to help her heal this wound? Was it even possible?
More and more, he was beginning to think that it wasn't.
"W-what if," she gasped out between sobs, her words muffled against his shirt, "W-w-what if t-t-that was L-Luke and Leia?" Her hands twisted, grabbing handfuls of his shirt, clinging to him as if her life depended on it.
"I don't know, Sweetheart," He admitted honestly. He wanted to give her assurances that he was sure that it wasn't, but he couldn't be sure himself. He had worried about it every day since it happened, and he hated not knowing. He didn't think lying to her when he himself wasn't sure would be a good idea.
She continued to sob anew, and he began to rub soothing circles on her back as he held her. He kissed the top of her head again, and waited for the storm of weeping to pass, sending soothing waves through the Force to try and comfort her. He didn't know what else to do. There was nothing he could say to make it better. There was nothing he could do to make the pain go away. He couldn't go back in time to change things. They had both agreed to move forward with their second chance at life, but this...this was something that had to be addressed, properly mourned for, before they could really do that.
He held her like that for a very long time. By the time she began to calm down, sniffling, the room was completely dark. Still, even after she was quieted down, he held her, offering his silent support, rubbing his face in the curls on top of her head, peppering her with soft kisses.
Finally, she pulled back from him and spoke.
"I think we should use birth control, Ani."
He frowned, unfamiliar with the term. "Birth control?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes." She took a shuddering breath. "I'll take the pill and…"
"Wait...Padme," he stopped her gently, "I don't know what that is."
"Oh. Right." She cleared her throat. "Well, there are many ways to do it, but in this world, when people are, um, sexually active and they don't want to risk getting pregnant, they use birth control."
Anakin was stunned, momentarily speechless. Sure, he had heard of people in their old galaxy trying similar things, but they didn't usually work. "And, it works?"
"Some forms work better than others," Padme admitted, "But, overall, yes."
Immediately, Anakin wanted to reject the idea. The thought was foreign to him. They hadn't ever used this 'birth control' back in their galaxy, and it had still taken them years to get pregnant. Why couldn't they just continue doing what they were doing?
Ah, yes, but look how quickly she became pregnant in this galaxy, the thought suddenly crept into his mind, and he frowned. Good point.
"When we're ready," Padme was continuing on, "We can stop, but right now, I just don't feel like I'm ready for children."
"But why?" Anakin asked, astonished. "You'd be such a wonderful mother…"
"Thank you," Padme said quietly, "But, that's not the point, Ani."
"Then what is the point?" Anakin demanded, fighting to keep his emotions under control. "I spent over twenty years wishing that I had done things differently, that I had saved you and our children, and now all I want is to be married to you again and have the opportunity to raise those kids…with you, Angel."
"I understand that," Padme interrupted, and he was afraid she would be angry with him. But, instead she just sounded exhausted. "Believe me, I do, Ani. However, we should also both be ready for that step. I'm so happy that you're ready, but I'm not." She paused, and he could feel her struggling with her emotions again. "If I…If I got pregnant right now, and had the baby, and it wasn't Luke and Leia…" she had to take several deep breaths to keep herself under control. "It would crush me, and I'm afraid that I might place unfair resentment on our child, and that's not fair."
He had a hard time seeing Padme putting any resentment on any child, regardless of the circumstances, but he could feel the fear in her, raw and very much real. And, as much as he wanted to argue and try to get her to see it how he saw it, he knew she was right. This whole conversation made it clear that she was right. She wasn't ready right now, and therefore, he wasn't ready. They had to both be ready if they were going to take that major step.
The Force had told him to be open minded and patient before he had come in. He had a feeling that this was what It was referring to.
"Okay, Angel." He said slowly, "But as soon as you're ready, I want to try…"
"We'll talk about it then. I promise," She agreed, and he could hear the relief in her voice.
Anakin sighed, nodded his head, and ran a hand through his hair. "As for right now, what do you need me to do, Angel?"
She was quiet for a moment, looking into his eyes, before she laid back down on the bed. "Just hold me, Ani. I just want you to hold me."
And, so he did, vowing they would get through this...together.
Moral of the story guys...don't bottle things up. Especially in relationships. It's bad. Take my word for it.
So, next chapter is our first majorish time skip...6 months. We've explored some of their relationship after Padme remembers, and now they're going to move onto bigger and better things, including the official start of the Jedi Order on Earth! Woohoo! Annnnd then Luke and Leia. I did outlining. It won't take very many chapters (thank GOODNESS).
The song for this chapter is The Resurrection Stone by Alexander Desplat from the 7th Harry Potter movie.
Oh, and I loved the recommendation of Secret Love Song by Little Mix! Thanks for the recommendation!
Review!
Love,
Sarah