Abandoned

A great firm dome of ignorance must encompass you.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Loki is evading him, that much Thor is sure of. He hadn't exchanged a hundred words with his brother since he discovered that not everything was as it seemed. Thor longs to speak with the ravenette, to touch him again, to look into the emerald green eyes, be happy with him. Finally he had him back, reunited and still further apart then ever.

Loki tells him that they need to find the Tesseract and he needs to help the Midgardians with that task, after that there would be enough time to talk but Thor would be stupid as to not recognize this as a distraction. Though they have to set priorities and find the powerful cube before something happens with it, it is an acceptable excuse of his brother but nothing more. He doesn't want to spend time with Thor, tries his best to stay away from him. Thor had seen the other scientists out of their laboratory.

Even now that the blond sits alone on the bridge and stares straight ahead out of the windows, Loki prefers to spend his time with the strange mortal man of iron. They had met before Thor had come to collect his brother. And they seem close, so much like each other. Both are far more clever than anyone else, have a similar background as far as Thor knows, they both are independent and know what they want. Stark has so much more in common with Loki. Thor sighs heavily though there is no one to hear it.

Thor had tried everything to catch his brother alone, but to no avail. In the short moments after the fight with the Hulk and the attackers he had believed Loki would actually come around, at least give him the chance to explain, and they could talk. Thor had been mistaken. Not two minutes after they had exchanged a silent smile as all the times before when they were in battle together, Loki had run off and spend his days again with evading Thor.

He is not stupid though, he knows what probably goes through the ravenette's head. How could Thor ever have mistaken the imposter for his real brother? Hadn't he noticed how changed Loki had been, how he seemed to be gone and no more than an empty shell? And still Thor had been taken for a fool and fallen for the image. Loki must be furious. But couldn't he at least guess Thor's reasoning?

He blinks owlishly when Fury brings in the just the two men Thor's mind lingers upon. Loki casts a wary look at him but doesn't stop talking to Stark about something. There are far too many words in their conversation Thor doesn't understand, just another proof how close the two are. The blond scowls almost imperceptible. The mortal should know his place and stop distracting his beloved. Stark surely can see that Thor would like nothing better than to speak to Loki.

The two men follow Fury, still discussing, and he hands them some files. He even calls Jane Foster over to them, as she had worked on some scientific thing Thor understood even less about. He thinks it was something about triangles.

The two scientists and Loki come up to the platform again. 'You talked to him.', the ravenette starts without a preamble. 'Did he say something about the cube or of remote interest?' He sounds impatient but the sharp ragged edge is out of his voice and his eyes don't have the maniac glint Thor had feared would never leave his lover again. Now he stands in front of Thor, safe, sound, sane, and refuses to speak properly with the blond.

He swallows back his sarcastic reply and tries to think about the imposter but the mere thought drives shivers down his spine. 'No, he just said he send it off. He didn't know where exactly it was either. That was the whole point.' Thor shakes his head. 'Can't you find it with magic?', he asks with a raised eyebrow.

Loki's eyes blaze with fire. 'No.' The coldness is back to his voice. Thor flinches away from it.

'Right.', Stark drawls. 'Let's get back to work. Jane, why don't you chat a little with Blondie? He looks like he could use some company.', he says nonchalantly. Loki nods and goes after him, casting a last short glance to Thor.

It's now or never. 'Loki, can we talk?' Hope swings in Thor's voice but also fear of rejection.

Loki sighs and says without turning around: 'Sorry, busy. Maybe later.' It is supposed to sound off-hand but he is tense.

'No, now! Loki!', he yells after him when the ravenette attempts to leave the room. His chair hits the ground with a loud thud.

Loki spins around and glares at him. 'What do you want to talk about? I need to get back to the lab.' And back to Stark, Thor thinks bitterly. The Midgardian hovers at the door as if unsure whether he should witness this and stand by Loki or vanish and leave them to themselves. Jane had winced when Loki turned, fearing what may follow.

'You do not want to speak to me, brother, and I understand that, but we need to talk at some point.'

'I really don't see that I have to. Brother.' He shakes his head and though a smile is on Loki's face, his words burn as do his eyes. He turns around to leave again.

'I know you are mad, but..', Thor starts but his words are cut short.

'Mad?!', Loki screeches. He spins around to reveal a face distorted by rage. 'Mad?! You abandoned me!', he accuses. No one dares to move but simply stares at the ravenette yelling at the blond. 'You left me to die and now have the nerve to assume I am mad?! Just be honest, you didn't care, you were glad to be rid of me.' Loki's voice is a hiss. 'How long before you turned away and moved on? What was more important than to safe my life? Tell me!' Thor doubts anyone else can hear the tears slowly making their way into his silken voice. 'You come to help a world you barely know but abandon your own brother whom you have spend your whole life with! I needed you and you left me to die.'

'We thought you were dead. I mourned, Loki.' Thor raises his hands and lets them fall to his sides again, feeling utterly helpless.

He laughs mirthlessly. 'How long?', he asks with bitterness lacing into his voice. 'How long before you decided I wasn't worth the wait? How long before you forgot and let me alone?'

'Loki, I never..'

'Is that why you didn't help me? Were you to busy fucking Sif to bother with me? You weren't there, like always when I need you, you're gone, away with someone else and too busy to pay attention to your little, murdering, lying, disgraceful brother.', he spits out, the words burning themselves into Thor's heart. 'You don't want to help. I don't need the help of one who so willingly believes I would kill innocent people and not have the spine to stand up for it. I do not hide behind others to justify my actions. I thought you of all people would know that.' His voice breaks at the end. Tears gleam in green eyes as Loki takes a deep breath. He looks at the wall behind Thor for a second. 'I need some air.', he forces out. The whole room still holds its breath and tries to recover from Loki's fury. But Thor has no eyes for the shocked expression on the other people's faces. The only thing he sees is Loki, his hurt, his pain, his own mistakes.

All Thor can do is stare dumbfounded at the door swinging shut behind the man he loves.

Is this what Loki thinks about him? Thor releases his breath. Everything went wrong. Though he didn't know his brother still lived, Thor feels guilty for not searching. He wouldn't have had the means to find him even if he would have known. Still, his heart is heavy for he had stopped believing in Loki's return. Sleipnir never stopped, tried even to convince Thor and find a way to Loki.

So not everything the crazy madman pretending to be his brother had said was plucked out of the air. Loki believes Thor had dropped him and never truly loved him. Thor's heart breaks. He had failed his love terrible if Loki could believe such things. He must know why Thor did as he did, must understand Thor's feelings. He just must, the blond thinks helpless.

He snaps out of his haze and moves towards the door to catch up with Loki. He always hated to see his brother cry but to be the reason for it, even if unjustified, Thor just has to make it up somehow. He has to explain himself and hope Loki would forgive him somewhen.

'Thor, just – give him a minute.' Jane's soft voice reaches through the blood rushing in his ears as her small hand holds him back. Thor looks down at her, surprised to find her so close. His gaze flits back to the door for a moment before settling on her again. She had taken care of Loki, Thor is sure about it. Had been his friend when Thor was too busy drowning in his own misery. The brunette looks warm and friendly.

Furthermore he knows she is right. All walking after Loki would do right now is more yelling and more apologies that would have to follow later. He sighs and fully turns away from the door. 'What happened to him?'

She shakes his head. 'You have no idea what he went through. Just give him some time.'

'This will need more than an apology, I assume.'

Stark casts a look at the two of them talking, then walks after Loki, probably to drag him back into that dreadful laboratory. Jane draws his attention back to her. 'Yes it will. Why haven't you come for him?'

'I didn't know he was alive.', Thor tries to justify himself but it sounds hallow. 'What happened to him?'

'He never really spoke about it. I think he was – is broken. When he came here, Darcy, Eric and I thought the woman lying on the floor to be another Asgardian. She landed right where we found Loki, she was badly hurt. We feared she wouldn't survive. Upon waking she called us by our names and claimed to be an immortal man we had met months back. Of course we thought her delusional, didn't believe her. But there was something in her eyes, something proud and unbroken, something I recognized.'

'They trapped Loki in a mortal shell. He must have suffered greatly.' Thor can't even imagine the pain Loki must have went through alone because of this ordeal.

'Thor, when he returned.. He wasn't the same. I think he still feels lost. He spend the first few weeks after waking up at the Bifrost site and yelled at the sky for you to come and safe him, take him home. But you didn't come.' Sadness lingers in her voice, her eyes are unfocused. 'He nearly killed himself, we had to drag him back inside each night when he collapsed.' She sighs, her eyes returning to Thor. 'He feels you abandoned him and didn't care just because he changed.'

'I didn't know.' His voice shakes. 'I couldn't come, Jane.' He shakes his head, lost for words. Plus, she is not the one he has to justify himself to.

'When I was called into the Tesseract project I told him about it. He immediately recognized it just from its description. Of course he didn't know it was an.. infinity stone I believe he called it. But Loki knew it would take him back home. His magic was suppressed so his usual ways were closed and he couldn't feel out any of the other passages to use them. He thought if he would just get back home, you would find a way to reverse what the Mad Titan did to him.'

As usual, his Loki had found a way on his own. His brave perfect brother had found his way out of the misery, not depending on Thor as much as Thor would like that. Again he had failed his beloved when he needed him the most, again not being there when fate or other people challenged his identity and took a part from him, took him apart. Thanos must not have been gentle to take this all from Loki. Cold fury takes a hold of Thor as he swears revenge for anything this creature had done to them.

'But he reversed it on his own.', Thor says.

Jane just huffs. 'There was a big chance it wouldn't work. We thought he would die the second the immortal imposter would be dead. I don't even know why it worked. Apparently his Jotun heritage was something the Mad Titan couldn't take from him.'

'But he was past the point of caring.' Thor's voice almost breaks. He is horrifies of what he made his brother do, what made him so desperate.

'Yes. When you.. he didn't care. But I do think he doesn't realize what this means.' When Thor just looks confused at her, she continues. 'The imposter just kept his form because of Loki, as long as he lived the other him kept his shape. They were connected. When Loki fled from the Mad Titan, that creature must have realized he survived when the imposter didn't turn back.'

'I do not understand, Lady Jane.'

'This form, the immortality, they were always part of Loki and his alone. The imposter just could use them for as long as the original source is still alive.', she explains.

'So he knows Loki is..'

'Not that he is here, but I fear he will come for him, sooner or later, for killing his footman. He can't stay hidden forever, he has found Loki once before, he can do it again.' Jane shakes her head and they stay silent for a while, each dwelling on their own thoughts. 'Thor, he just evades you because..'

'He is hurt, I know.' He had officially doubted Loki and if Thor is honest he really had doubted Loki's sanity and reasons. Who would not have, drunken on happiness as he was? Loki would need time to forgive him for this apparent betrayal of trust, if he could at all. 'Thank you for your kind words, Lady Jane. If you will excuse me, I will tend to my brother. And hope he will forgive me for everything.' He bows slightly, then walks to the door. He had long enough waited for this, had given Loki plenty of time to find him and talk when he is ready for that. Apparently that won't happen anytime soon, apparently his brother doesn't need time and space but someone to care.

Quickly he finds his way outside, the strong cold wind whips his hair out of his face and clears his mind. Thor takes a few deep breaths before starting to search for Loki. He can't have gone far. Darkness had already dipped the whole scene in artificial light and shadows, the dark clouds beneath them still got the glow of the setting sun but night already has set over the Helicarrier. After just a few steps Thor spots his brother, standing side by side with Stark, hugging each other.

Thor wonders if he is too late, if Stark had taken the space in Loki's heart that once was solely reserved for Thor. The brunet man had been there for Loki, had consoled him and taken some of his pain away. Thor had heard the rumors about the pair of them, the agents talk about what happened before the capture of the Tesseract, especially what they believed happened between Stark and his Loki. Thor's heart grows heavy. What had really happened? They apparently had spend several nights together. He doesn't want to believe his brother had found comfort in the arms of another, but he can't help but to agree that they look closer than they should be. Maybe Thor is too late, maybe he had already lost Loki to someone who is there for him when he needs him.

Without a word Thor silently goes inside again.

xXxXx

Tears choke him when Loki almost runs out of the room, the wide blue eyes frozen in shock follow him. He needs air, needs to get away from the person he trusts the most who would think so cruelly of him. Thor had seen what Loki is capable of and he had hated it, Thor had wanted to treat him just like any other common criminal. Loki doesn't know what he expected of his righteous brother but at least a little bonus for being his beloved, a little trust in his person however misplaced it might be. But alas, he no longer is Thor's beloved, not his brother, nothing but an enemy in familiar skin. And Thor wouldn't be Thor if he would not put the good of the nine realms before his personal welfare.

Somewhere in the back of his mind Loki knows it wasn't fair to blame Thor for everything that has transpired. His brother neither had called Thanos to capture him nor had he left Loki on purpose but at the second he had had the audacity to speak about things the blond oaf doesn't know a thing about, something inside of Loki had snapped. All the pend up anger that Thor didn't try harder to apologize, all the sadness that he doesn't seem to care anymore, all the frustration of the last years finally had found a vent. So things had flowed out that would have better been kept quite. The jab at Sif had been low, even for his standards but Loki couldn't help but wonder if someone else had entered Thor's life and stole him away. That Loki had already been replaced.

Some tears escape when Loki reaches the doors at the end of the hallway. He hits the button and they reveal the last rays of the dying sun. His feet carry him further to the edge but Loki stays behind some crates so the wind wouldn't make him cold. Some more tears make their way over his cheeks. What had he thought would happen? He laughs bitterly. Exactly this. Thor telling him it's all over. He might have been able to overlook Loki's true heritage but being faced with this dilemma must have opened Thor's eyes at last. So Loki had evaded him, being angry himself for Thor not recognizing the unrecognizable. It's unfair but he went through enough to deserve being a little unfair himself.

The door opens softly, barely audible over the rushing of the turbines but Loki perks up and a smile almost makes it to his face. Maybe Thor does care, maybe there is an explanation to all of this. Coming after Loki surely must be a good sign. Thor wouldn't rush ending something both of them know is gone.

He visibly deflates when Tony enters his line of vision, making for him. Loki sighs and resumes his staring at the red and orange clouds, trying not to let the disappointment show too much. Tony is a good friend after all.

'Hey.', Tony says softly, coming to stand next to Loki and facing the glowing sky.

'Hey.', Loki answers equally quiet. At least on one male he can still count.

'That was quite scary, back there.' Despite himself Loki laughs about that. Tony seems to take that as a good sign for he relaxes visibly. The brunet man had at least not treated him any different since he changed back, had even been supportive. 'What's on your mind, pal?'

'He hates me. If he doesn't already he sure as Hel will now. I keep pushing him away.', he admits.

'I see.' Tony nods. 'But, you know, I don't think Thor hates you, Lokes. He actually threatened everyone with death who would dare to lay a hand upon you, well, the not-you.', he quickly rectifies as he chuckles. 'And that was before he knew you didn't murder anyone. Of importance.', he adds on an afterthought.

'You think so?' Loki hates his voice for betraying his hope.

'I don't say it was unjustified yelling at him. From what I've seen he possibly needs that every now and then.' They chuckle at that. 'He was kinda a coward for not talking to you. But you can ask anyone. I- he probably feels guilty too, you know? There he hears that his little brother isn't dead as presumed but has been captured and not been treated too nicely. Just, you know, give him a chance to explain this. Thor probably just wanted to give you some space to cool off, not that that worked too well.' Tony scratches his neck. Loki takes a deep breath. Thor still had protected him. And hadn't the ravenette told him explicitly to stay away?

'Thanks, Stark.'

'Since when am I 'Stark' again?', he exclaims undignified when Loki turns to him and embraces him.

'Since you're so mean as to show me my errors again.' He sighs, his head resting on Tony's shoulder as the other man's arms come up to return the embrace. 'Thanks for that.'

'Always. You know how much I hate this tension between people if I am not responsible for it. I depend on all getting along in a fight. What if I need your help and you two are too busy yelling at each other to care?' They laughs and finally Loki lets go of him.

Loki still hates being touched, his stay at the Sanctuary had just pronounced the natural feeling, but now he outright panics when someone touches him without his consent or prior knowledge. Just when he initiated the contact Loki can deal with it and feel the comfort supposed to come from it.

'Just like you to think this pragmatical. Thanks for being a friend.'

They stay outside till the sun has fully set and the sky grows dark. The temperature drops quickly and when they go inside Loki can feel the chill leaving him as the warm air engulfs them. He can't even fathom how cold Tony must feel but he merely waves it off and tells Loki he'll see him in the morning.

The trickster feels drained and withdraws to his chamber without talking to anyone. He'd speak with Jane in the morning. She always understands when he needs some space though he is glad Tony came after him. He had spend more time with Thor than his best friend and Loki had evaded him whenever possible.

It hits him with full force when he drops onto the bed. Loki pushes Thor away. What must his once-brother think of him? Tony is right, he just gave Loki space to breathe and Loki already condemns him. Maybe he believes now Loki hates him and doesn't want to speak with him ever again. The tears the brunet man had dried flow freely again and this time Loki lets them. He had cried himself to nightmares the past week. He somehow feels better afterwards. At least when he is alone he can allow himself to show weakness. He needs to make amends with Thor if it is not already too late. He had hurt him with his cruel words, his ridiculous accusations and jealousy.

It's too late, that traitorous voice whispers. He doesn't need you the way you need him. You don't want him, fine, he will move on and not look back once. Why would he? He always deserved so much better than you.

Quiet sobs spill over his lips, time stops existing.

'Loki.' A warm body lets the mattress dip and settles behind Loki, arms reach out and pull him closer. Loki tenses momentarily, a soft whine leaving his mouth before the familiar smell encompasses and soothes him somewhat. 'Don't cry, my love. Shush. It will be fine.' Thor's voice is soft for once as he rubs Loki's arms.

Sniffling he turns around in Thor's arms to look up to the face he loves before burying his head in the crook of the blond's neck. After several minutes of silence and crying, his tears subside a little.

The beautiful eyes are full of warmth and worry when Loki stops clinging to him but Thor still keeps him close as if afraid he would vanish again.

'Do you hate me?', Loki whispers because he just needs to know.

Hurt and shock cross the handsome features until just a lingering sadness stays. 'No, Loki. I never could.' He pauses for a moment. 'I am sorry I wasn't there for you. I should have been.'

'No, don't. It's not your fault and I shouldn't have brought it up. I am sorry. I'm sorry, Thor. I shouldn't have, please..'

'Don't, Loki, I understand.' A soothing hand strokes his black hair. 'I should have understood what I saw. Don't be sorry. I should have known it wasn't you.'

'How could you know? I'm sorry I said those things, I really am.' He lets out a heavy sigh. 'I was just hurt, I guess. I wondered why you didn't come earlier.'

'First thing, finally stop apologizing.' The hearty chuckle brings a smile to Loki's tear streaked face. 'It was none of your fault, I should have spoken to you earlier, I see that now. We both made mistakes and you will, in time, forgive me mine as I have forgiven yours. Second, I couldn't come earlier.' Thor lets him rest on his back while hovering over him, one hand caressing Loki's cheek. 'I couldn't let hope in my heart when Sleipnir said there might be a chance you still live. The Bifrost was destroyed when you..' He sighs. Thor licks his lips before continuing. 'It would have killed me to believe you're still alive and find out you aren't. My life stopped when you left, I couldn't fight anymore.'

'S-Sleipnir?', Loki sniffles. 'He..'

'It's alright, love. I know he is your son and I love him as if he were my own. But let us not talk about him right now. He awaits your return, he never stopped believing.'

A weak smile makes it to his face before he can think about it. Then he frowns at something crossing his mind. 'If the Bifrost was destroyed..'

'I didn't care. I had to come when I knew you are alive.' His thumb touches Loki's lips, tracing their shape.

Loki decides not to dwell on the horrible methods Thor must have used to come to him. 'Why did you believe them?' One of his hands comes up to Thor's neck, to feel he is there, to know he is not alone.

Thor nuzzles into the touch. 'When Heimdall said you killed Midgardians and seek to rule them, all I could hear was you are alive. Love, how could I care about anything else?' He softly shakes his head, a small frown on his face. 'How could I judge any of what you did when you came back, if it meant holding you in my arms again?' Loki tries to see a lie in his face but his eyes convey nothing but honesty seriousness. Tears cloud the blue eyes slightly. 'I could not care what you did or not did. I was too happy. I knew the Mad Titan needs to be stopped but I wouldn't have cared if you wanted Midgard for yourself.', he admits. 'That's why I came alone, to make sure no one hurts you and to bring you home. That's all I wanted. You can have the crown of all the nine realms, I'd give it to you if that is what is needed to get you back at my side. If it is your wish I would conquer them all for you and serve my king in happiness till my last breath. I'd do anything for you to come home, my love. To know you at my side.'

Loki has to look away from the intensity of his gaze. 'I only ever wanted you.', he admits quietly.

Thor slowly bends down until their lips touch. Loki's eyes flutter shut when the blond kisses him softly. He had dreamed so often of this moment, his memories didn't do Thor justice. The kiss reassures Loki of his love, his devotion. It is soft and chaste and still so much more than any kiss they had shared before. Thor's lips keep him grounded, they don't make everything alright, don't clear up all their misunderstandings but it makes everything better and more bearable. He is no longer in on this alone.

'Have you been with anyone?', Thor asks some moments after they break the kiss all too soon, worry and insecurity lacing through his deep voice.

'No. You?', Loki whispers back. Hope shines in emerald green eyes.

'Never. You are the only one I need.' Another soft kiss is pressed on Loki's lips, then Thor lies down on his back. Loki cuddles into his side as strong arms encircle him, just like he had dreamed all these past years. 'Sleep, my love. It has been a long day and you will need your strength. I'm here. I won't go. I won't let you ever go again. You have my word, brother.'

Loki smiles and cuddles even deeper into his arms. Thor continues to whisper sweet nothings into his black hair and soon Loki drifts off to sleep, securely held by him. For the first time no nightmares disrupt his sleep, his knight in shining armor battles them and protects him. Always.