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Chapter 36: Double, Double Toil and Trouble

Theodora smiled to herself as she closed the door behind her. From the sounds of things, her young charge was going to be both safe and busy tonight, which was just as well, because she wanted to get back to her real job, which was investigating things in the supernatural world that should not be happening. Sure, she was actually supposed to be determining the magical composition of the eighth —and unnatural— vortex that Edgington had managed to construct in Mississippi, but that thing wasn't going anywhere. As long as she got the results back to Jerusalem by February, she would be fine.

Fangtasia was quiet and almost deserted when she arrived. Only a few cars remained in the parking lot; Eric's, Pam's, and Chow's. Pam was inside, calculating their earnings from tonight. Her fingers flew over the keys of the calculator. "I take it my maker has reached his destination?" she asked without looking up.

"Last I heard of him, he was having a great time," said Theodora. She wouldn't have expected any less. This was Eric, and the girl he was with wasn't exactly just a regular human female. "What do you know about Yvetta?"

"Her? She said she was a dancer from Estonia well-versed in many styles. I wasn't really paying much attention to what she was saying." Well, of course she hadn't been paying much attention. Typical Pam.

"I need to see her records," said Theodora. "And perhaps her locker, if she used one."

This made Pam look up. Her brows furrowed. "Is there something wrong?"

"I don't know. That's why I'm here."

His arms were cool and solid around her body. She lay within them, her thoughts becoming hazy and surreal as she drifted off to sleep. He'd given her not one, but three climaxes tonight. He could have gone on, but she was completely exhausted and overwhelmed, so he simply held her to him, allowing his fingers to wander over her skin. She didn't know how long the two of them lay like that, just enjoying the contact and the company. Who knew Eric Northman liked to snuggle?

She could feel his emotions through their skin contact. He was content, she was content. "You smell of milk," he murmured against her shoulder, "like the daughter of a Turkic chieftain I once fed from."

"Mr. Northman, now is not the time to talk about all the women you've been with," she said, twisting back so she could look him in the eye. He grinned.

"Jealous, my lover?"

"Irrationally so."

"I like it." He left a trail of soft kisses from her neck to the bottom of her shoulder blade, and then went lower, paying excruciating attention to every square inch of her. She moaned and reached down to grab him. He was excited again, and his lust, which she'd thought had been sated, no matter temporarily, was going at full throttle again, and it was influencing her too. Who knew? Perhaps she had it in her for one more round tonight. Maybe two. "Your cousin's going to be home soon," he murmured.

"Are you embarrassed to be found here?" she asked.

"I am Eric Northman, woman. There are only a few situations that would embarrass me. This is not one of them."

"I'm not embarrassed either." That earned her another kiss on the lips. A wonderful, tender kiss that made her decide that she wasn't that tired after all. She kissed him right back. God, he was a miracle. This time, he moved slowly, taking the time to savour her. It was as torturous as it was blissful. She wanted him and she wanted him right now!

"Patience, my lover," Eric crooned. "Good things come to those who wait." He brought her almost to the edge and then let the wave subside a little before starting over again. Each time, he brought her just a little closer until she was pleading with him. No, she wasn't above a little begging. When he finally took her there, she screamed his name so loudly that her voice echoed through the house, and she was pretty sure the old wooden frame of the house shook. Just as well they were alone, and their only neighbour was in Peru right now. She collapsed on top of him. Sweat covered her body. Eric's tongue darted out to lick a droplet of perspiration from between her breasts.

"I think I'm done for," she said in between gasps. Her stomach growled in response, reminding her that she hadn't eaten much tonight.

"You must eat, woman," he said. "You are getting far too skinny."

"It's not my fault that I don't have time to eat, what with all the running around town I do," she said playfully. She climbed off him and searched for her robe amongst the pile of tangled clothing on the floor. He watched her through half-closed eyes, enjoying the scenery. "Do you want a blood or something?"

"I've already eaten," he said, grinning at her.

"Am I supposed to believe a big vampire like you can be satisfied with just one mouthful?"

"I am very old, lover. I do not need much."

She tied the front of her robe, putting an end to his private showing. He sighed dramatically and sat up, running a hand through his now incredibly messy hair, which she was partially responsible for. She did like his hair. She also liked the treasure trail that started just below his navel and became darker downwards. And his abs, and his pecs. Oh, stuff it. She liked all of him, and he must have known it because he stretched unnecessarily, displaying all his assets in the best possible way.

"You are shameless," she said, picking up his jeans and throwing them at him. He caught them with one hand without making any effort at all.

"I have nothing to be ashamed of." Haha, he got that right.

She felt a little bit rude, eating in front of a guest who couldn't join her, but he assured her that he was fine with it. He did seem a little bit suspicious of the green gunk, otherwise known as guacamole, that Theodora had made and left in the fridge. "That does not look appetizing," he said.

"It's avocado," said Marie as she poured chips onto a plate and spooned some of the guacamole onto the chips. "That's the way it looks, but it tastes fine." She popped a chip with some of the green dip on it into her mouth. It was pretty good guacamole too. Theodora loved eating and cooking, as she was still making up for a couple of centuries of a blood-only diet.

"Allow me," he said, taking a chip and holding it out. She let him feed her. When their skin made contact, his eyebrows shot up in surprise and he stared at her in wonder. "I can taste it..." he whispered. And then he kissed her. Afterwards, he made her taste all kinds of things that he'd never had the chance to eat as a human. In particular, he was very interested in oranges.

"My brother tells me they taste of the sun of the Levant," he said. "He says they are the taste of the east."

"I wouldn't know about that, but orange juice is pretty good," she said as she tried to pick the best orange out of Sookie's fruit bowl. He watched her as she squeezed each one systematically. "They shouldn't be too hard or too soft. Too hard means they're not ripe. Too soft means they're probably dried up and tasteless—Eric, I don't know what you're thinking about, but I'm betting it's not oranges."

"No, they are much too small," said Eric. His fangs were down. "Yours are more...grapefruit-sized."

"Are you going to make every fruit and vegetable in the world seem obscene?"

"I don't know if that's possible, but I can try."

Sookie was rather pleased with how tonight had turned out. It had been one of her nicer New Years, since she actually kissed someone she wanted to kiss. Quinn grinned at her as he opened the door for her. He was thinking of getting dessert, now that he'd had the entree, but instead of feeling annoyed with him, she actually wanted to get dessert with him. Well, what could she say? She was a hot-blooded female with hormones and needs, and Quinn was just hot.

Her smile faded when she sensed that not all was right with the world. The overwhelming contentment, fading excitement and underlying lust that hummed like a harmony was enough to make her deeply suspicious. Oh, she wasn't worried about anyone's safety. There wasn't any physical danger here. However, she was worried about her young and naive cousin. She found Marie sitting on the sofa, wrapped up in an old blanket and reading a magazine. It would have seemed innocuous enough if her lips weren't swollen and if her face wasn't red from beard burn. Oh, and her thoughts weren't helping either. In one split second, Sookie had glimpsed more of Eric than she'd ever wanted to see. Well, she had been a little bit curious, but she hadn't wanted to find out this way.

"You didn't," said the telepath.

"Sookie! I didn't hear you," said Marie, dropping her magazine. "And hasn't anyone ever told you it's rude to read people's minds without their permission?"

"I'm worried about you! Drastic times call for drastic actions."

"I don't see why you're so worked up about it, Cous," said the other girl defensively. "He's good to me, and I wanted him. The sentiment was mutual."

"Of course you wanted him! He's Eric Northman!"

Quinn chose that moment to remind them that he was there. He cleared his throat. "I'll be in the other room if you need me," said the were-tiger uncomfortably before he quickly retreated, closing the French doors behind him in an attempt to block out as much of the impending conversation as he could. Admittedly, it wouldn't be very much, since he had sensitive hearing, but one had to give him credit for trying. Supe or not, there were certain traits that were shared by almost all males.

"I'm aware of who he is, Sook," said Marie. "I screamed his name a couple of times."

"God, Marie! You don't know what you're getting yourself into!"

"I know he's good to me, he likes me, he waited for me and he chose me."

"That's what he wants you to believe."

"It's more than that. I know it." She was hiding something. Sookie knew it. The most frustrating part was that Marie's guards were now up. There was a downside to having a younger cousin who was accustomed to living with telepaths. "Sook, I know you don't trust him, but I do. He's saved my life even when he had no obligation to do so. He may have many flaws, but he also has virtues, and great number of them."

"If he really thinks of you as more than a conquest, then why did he leave you alone?"

"Theodora called and said it was urgent that he return to Fangtasia immediately. I told him to go. I can look after myself for all of fifteen minutes, despite what everyone thinks."

There was no arguing with Marie when she was in this sort of mood. For someone who was usually so soft-spoken, unless she was arguing with vampire-and-mutant-hating fanatics, she could be as stubborn as Logan. It probably wasn't a coincidence. Sookie sat down next to her cousin on the sofa. "I just don't want you to get hurt like I did."

"Bill is one vampire," said Marie. "He doesn't represent every vampire out there." Well, Sookie couldn't argue with that. For one, most vampires wouldn't be seen dead —har dee har har— in his chinos and polo shirts. Most of them would probably have done something about those awful bangs too. From what she knew, vampires could retain haircuts just like humans. She didn't know why. It was just one of those things. "And even if you don't trust Eric, you should at least trust my judgement. I haven't done too badly so far." It was true. After all, this was the girl who'd chosen to trust Logan the first time she'd ever met him. That had turned out pretty well. Of course, it could just be luck.

"Just be careful, all right, Cous?" she said with a sigh. "If you feel you need to walk away, then walk away. Don't try and cling on the way I did."

"Yvetta is a supe," said Theodora. "She is not very powerful, so I cannot identify exactly what she is, but what I'm most concerned about is why she was posing as a human stripper."

Eric could not believe he'd been called away for this. He'd have thought that there was a raid, at the very least. Instead, he'd been called away from his woman because of Yvetta? Theodora needed to sort out her priorities. The woman was spiteful and pumped full of Botox and collagen, with breasts that were more artificial than synthetic blood, but she was harmless; just another fangbanger, maybe with a little more brain. He said as much to Theodora, but the ex-vampire was not convinced.

"I know what I sense, Eric," said his niece-of-sorts. "She's a supe —albeit not a powerful one— but where there's one, there's always more. Besides, she didn't have to pretend to be human if all she wanted was sex. I think she had an ulterior motive, and now she also has a personal vendetta."

"If she does anything to Marie, I'll end her," said Eric simply.

"Oh, I'm not worried about Marie," said Theodora. "She'll be fine. I'm worried about you."

"Do you think he will accept it?" Yvetta asked. She didn't know what her sister was really doing. Hallow's ways were always so confusing, not that the younger witch ever cared much about the method as long as she got the desired result.

"He is a businessman," said Hallow without opening her eyes. Power hummed around her. "If he knows what's good for him, he will take my offer, and you will have your undead hunk back."

"And if not?"

"If he's stupid enough to refuse, then I'll make sure it's one of the last things he ever does. No one will have him if you can't have him."

There was more to it, but Hallow didn't trust Yvetta. For so long, her younger sister had relied on her looks that her mind was a little rusty. There was more at stake than just the Nordic vampire and his businesses. The world was just entering into the greatest upheaval since the fall of Atlantis. The suspension of the American Vampire League and the death of one of the most powerful kings meant that everything was changing within North America. And then there were the cracks in the Wall and the new vortex in Mississippi. Hallow wanted to get ahead in the game.

Pam hadn't expected to see Yvetta ever again, yet here she was, sitting on the leather couch in Eric's office and looking incredibly smug —and also very cheap; no one had ever told her about the 'boobs or legs' rule, apparently, as she was showing so much of both that she might as well have just gone naked. Then again, she was a pole dancer. One really couldn't expect too much class from someone like her. It was actually Yvetta's sister with the Compton-esque haircut who was doing the threatening. She wanted Eric to give her half his profits, or else she would ruin all his businesses until they were worth nothing. Eric wasn't buying it.

"You are either very stupid, or very...stupid," said her maker icily to the witch. Well, that was one way to put it. "Do you really think that I would comply?"

"There are many jinxes that can bring an establishment such as this one to ruin," said Hallow evenly. Apparently, Yvetta and her sister were witches. Pam thought that explained a lot of things; she'd never thought much of witches. The ones she'd tasted had taken far too many hallucinogens; that made for very embarrassing episodes which one didn't really remember afterwards. Witches were all crazy, and they could be fucking dangerous. Why the hell did Theodora have to go to Mexico at this juncture in time? That ex-vampire would have come in pretty useful right about now.

"Get out," said Eric, sounding bored. "There is no deal."

"You will change your mind," said Hallow as she stood.

An hour later, there was a fire in the bar. Something had short-circuited and the failsafe device had failed to work. If it hadn't been for Sparrow's quick reaction —he'd poured the contents of a flowerpot, Venus Flytrap and all, onto the flames— the damage might have been a lot more severe. As it was, they'd had to close early and they couldn't reopen until they got the green light from a certified electrician. Yvetta and her Compton-esque sister were lucky that they were far away from Fangtasia by then, or else Pam might have pulled a Wolverine and ripped their heads off. To hell with diplomacy.

Marie had only learned about the existence of witches yesterday, but already, she knew they were trouble with a capital T. The electrician had come by earlier in the day, and he'd said he had no idea why the failsafe mechanism had failed. There was no scientific explanation for it. She hadn't been about to tell him that it was magic. She already had a reputation for being the prime example of the 'new breed of educated intellectual fangbanger', and she didn't need to tack 'crazy' onto that description.

The club remained empty this evening, as Eric held a meeting for all the people who were directly involved in this. Sparrow had been included because he was supposed to find a way to get rid of the witches discreetly and legally, but apparently, there was no law about supernatural inter-species relations. So pretty much, it all came down to who had the bigger guns.

"Eric, you should call Sybille," said Pam.

"I am not going to bring her into this," said the Nordic vampire. "This is our problem, and we will deal with it. If I can't deal with a couple of witches, then I shouldn't be regent."

"At least call Theodora," said Pam. "She is the representative of the High Council after all."

"I don't think she would care. After all, she is dealing with the Feathered Serpent of Teotihuacan at the moment. Two witches would not concern her right now." Well, that would explain why the ex-vampire had taken off to Mexico so suddenly; secret business with Aztec god really did take the cake, which was why Marie was being guarded by Jack Sparrow at the moment, because Jack simply couldn't go to Merlotte's and guard Sookie.

"Well, what are you gonna do about it, mate?" asked Jack. "Because if you ain't got any ideas, I could ask for a favour—"

"If you're thinking about Calypso, you can forget it," said Eric sharply. "I refuse to get involved in her business."

The discussion pretty much went along those lines. Eric didn't have a plan yet, but he refused to ask for help from anyone. He did fleetingly think about asking Van Helsing for advice, but then scrapped the idea of getting the monster hunter to help, for whatever the reason. Marie had the feeling that Eric really respected the man. So it continued until Chow, who was guarding the door, announced that there was a witch here to see the sheriff.

It wasn't Hallow or Yvetta, but one of the lesser members of their coven. Her name was Holly, and if it hadn't been for the heavy gothic make-up, she might have even been passably pretty. As it were, she just looked like a fangbanger right now, albeit a smart-ish one. "My mistress has a new proposal for you, vampire," she said to Eric.

"Speak," said the sheriff, not bothering any other words, having deemed that witches were not worth wasting his non-existent breath on.

"My mistress will only ask for twenty five percent of your gross profit if you will service her and Mistress Yvetta for five nights a week," said the young witch. "It seems that your prowess is quite well known."

Marie gritted her teeth to keep herself from giving the witch a piece of her mind. She counted to ten. They had enough problems right now without her emotions causing more. She glanced at Eric. His blue eyes were blazing; she had never seen anything so cold. "This is the most ridiculous and insulting thing I have ever heard," he growled. "The night I touch those bitches is the night I cease to be Eric Northman."

"Is that your final answer?"

"I believe I have made it quite clear."

Holly sniffed and tilted her head back so she could look down her nose at Eric. Not a good move on her part. It really said something about Eric's capabilities as a diplomat when he didn't snap her neck. "You will regret this," she said. "All of you."

Chow, it seemed, was not so good at swallowing threats and insults —which was probably why he wasn't sheriff. The Asian vampire grabbed the witch by the neck. As bone snapped, an explosion of power could be felt in the small room. The flickered out and then came back on. Holly lay on the ground, her eyes glassy and her neck bent at an impossible angle. Blood trickled from the corner of her mouth. Pam and Chow both had their fangs out, and Eric...well, Eric was simply out.

He eventually did wake up. The first thing he did upon waking was pin Chow up against the wall, cracking the plaster. They finally managed to get him to calm down and put Chow back down. The sheriff himself hadn't said a single word. When he finally did speak, his words made Marie's blood run cold. "Who are you?" he demanded of them all. The look on his face reminded her of a cornered predator; he was afraid and ready to fight for his life. "Where am I?" A pause. "Who am I?"

"Oh, bugger," said Jack. There wasn't really anything else anyone could add to that.

Hallow felt the power surge as her spell was triggered. She wasn't sorry; Holly had fulfilled her purpose. She had been a pretty bad witch, at any rate, even if she was passable as a lover. Still, she'd been getting a little boring. She closed her eyes and revelled in the power she felt. It was a thing of terrible beauty. The Viking would soon learn what a bad idea it was to mess with witches. Actually, he wouldn't learn, because he wouldn't even remember his own name. That would make him so much easier to control.

She opened her eyes, expecting to see him before her. Instead...nothing. Nothing. Something had gone wrong. He was supposed to appear right here, in this very room, where she would bind him with silver and make him her slave whilst she and the King of Arkansas conquered the fractured Kingdom of Louisiana and split it down the middle. That had been the plan. Something had gone horribly wrong.

"Have you got him?" came Yvetta's voice. She'd felt the power too. She didn't know the entire plan, of course, but Hallow had told her about her intention of enslaving the Viking and using him for sex and blood. Yvetta had been most enthusiastic about it. "Where is he?"

"Not here, obviously," snapped Hallow. Her spell had gone haywire. Her spells never did that. "Go and get the car. We're going to Fangtasia."

When in the middle of placating Quetzalcoatl, the Great Feathered Serpent of Teotihuacan, the last thing Theodora had expected was being pulled away by an urgent call from one Pamela Ravenscroft. Honestly, couldn't she have slightly better timing? Theodora had sent the first call directly to voicemail, but then her phone started buzzing and beeping incessantly as Pam bombarded her with texts. If there was one thing that Pam was normally not, then it was desperate. That set off alarm bells in her mind, and Theodora excused herself so she could go and see what was going on.

"What?" she snapped when Pam answered the phone before the first ring was even over.

Pam was panicking. Her maker had gotten entangled with witches, and now he'd lost his memory. That did not bode well. A cursed amnesiac regent was exactly what Louisiana did not need right now. Theodora wasn't supposed to take sides, but she was allowed to deal with wrongdoings. Right now, she was quite sure who was in the wrong. More than that, this whole thing reeked of conspiracy. She knew she had to get back as quickly as possible.

Quetzalcoatl, instead of annoyed that she had to leave so abruptly, seemed amused. There was nothing like a little supernatural drama, she supposed, and the Great Serpent had not seen that in a while. "I still expect an explanation as to why a sorcerer was allowed to steal from my vortex," he said.

"To be quite honest with you, it's your own damn fault for falling asleep for five hundred years," said Theodora. Sometimes, even she lost it. "After all, you're the vortex's guardian."

Quetzalcoatl's laughter echoed behind her as she took the ingredients out of her bag for a more complicated teleporting spell. True enough, she could only teleport about five hundred feet on her own, but with tools and powders invented by other better practitioners of magic —namely witches, wizards, magi and so on and so forth— she could teleport pretty much wherever she wanted. It was just more comfortable and a little less pricey to fly first class, that was all, so she only ever used this long-distance teleportation for emergencies. This counted as an emergency.

They were all taken by surprise when Theodora suddenly appeared in the room with a pop, looking a little green. "You know what?" she said. "I'm not even going to enjoy saying 'I told you so'. This is a fucking disaster."

"No shit," said Pam. "Tell us what happened."

"The spell was triggered when...that witch was killed," said Theodora, stating what they already knew.

"And?" prompted Pam impatiently, tapping her Louboutin against the grey carpeting of Eric's office.

"It was supposed to take him to a certain location, where the caster of the spell was waiting —I assume that's Yvetta and her sister— but something malfunctioned." Theodora turned to Marie, raising an eyebrow in appreciation. "The caster of the spell didn't count on you being here."

"Me?" said Marie. "What did I do?"

"Nothing," said Theodora. "You're a succubus, albeit an undeveloped one. The magic inherent in your blood warped the spell so it only partially worked. We can talk about this later. Right now, we need to get out of here. He didn't go to them, and I have no doubt they will come looking for him."

It was a normal night for Sookie. The tips were good, and the customers were a little rowdy, but they knew she was with Quinn, so no one tried anything too bad, not that she couldn't have taken care of it herself. Still, she supposed a large man was more intimidating than a small but powerful buxom blonde. Stereotypes sucked. The night remained good until she returned home to find Chow's large black van parked in the middle of her driveway, almost directly on the steps of her porch. Firstly, what was Chow doing here, and secondly, why couldn't he park a little off to the side the way civilized people did? Even Eric parked off to the side when he drove to her house, and he was far from civilized.

Things became worse when she found Pam, Eric, Marie, Jack, Chow and Theodora all seated at her table, holding some sort of war council with Sybille and the mutants simultaneously over the webcam. There were wires all over her floor. Marie slammed the laptop shut as soon as she saw Quinn. "What's going on?" demanded Sookie. "Why is everybody here?"

Marie glanced at Pam. That was odd. The two were more or less friends, for lack of a better term, but her cousin usually looked to Eric for advice. Eric was sitting right there, nursing a bottle of blood, and yet it had been Pam that Marie had looked to for confirmation about something. "It's a long story, Sookie," said Pam. "Why don't you take a seat?"

"It ain't that long," said Jack. "To put it simply, we're on the brink of war, the tiger's a traitorous double agent, and the rum is gone!"

A/N: Poor Jack. Despite working for someone who owns a bar, the rum is still gone. An amnesiac Regent of Louisiana is definitely going to have wider repercussions than an amnesiac Sheriff of Area Five. ;) And, last but not least, what is Quinn up to?