Chapter Thirty-Five

It had been nearly three weeks since Sirius disappeared and James went after him. Neither Lily nor Remus heard from either of the boys and Lily had become a nervous wreck. It was killing her that she and James had left each other on bad terms and, as each day passed, she grew more and more convinced that it was her fault and that she was never going to see him again.

She and Remus had taken to staying up nights at headquarters, waiting for word of their two friends while the rest of The Order was off looking for them, listening for even the smallest hints as to their whereabouts. Dumbledore had forbidden the two from going along with the other members, saying that they were too emotionally involved in this mission.

"Too emotionally involved?!" Lily had shouted to Remus after the old man had gone. "This whole fight is emotional! That is ridiculous!"

Lily found herself truly appreciating Remus' friendship as the days wore on. Even after all he had been through all too recently with Deborah Stevens' betrayal of not only The Order but Remus himself, he was being amazing to Lily.

She felt bad for him. The full moon had come, but James and Sirius were gone and Peter was still missing. When poor Remus came back from the period, he looked worse than Lily had ever seen him. There were scratches and deep gashes all over his body along with bite marks and various other injuries.

Taking a few days off from being at headquarters, Lily stayed in Godric's Hollow with Remus to heal some of his cuts and get him back to par. She didn't like seeing him this way…paler than she had ever seen and too weak to hold a glass of water.

It only took a couple of days for Remus to regain his strength. He had almost forgotten what it was like to spend a full moon alone…James, Sirius and Peter had been with him for so long. It was strange, and it was bad. Remus had never had such a bad time of it…

But Lily was an amazing caregiver, he noticed. He pondered these sorts of things while he was laying in bed to gather his strength back. He was truly lucky to have such amazing friends. Sirius and James and Peter had broken the law to help him and Lily, rather than being frightened of what he was, was letting him transform in her basement.

Remus wished that he could make Lily feel better. He wished that she would stop blaming herself for the disappearance of James and Sirius…Sirius had left because he didn't know what else to do, and he was consumed with grief that neither of them fully understood. James left because Sirius was his best friend and brother. James blamed himself because he felt that he should have been watching after Sirius…unfortunately that self-blame had him fighting with Lily.

Remus wondered why everyone was blaming anyone but the one person with whom the blame was supposed to rest…Deborah Stevens. This was her fault. At first Remus did blame himself for bringing Deb Stevens into their lives, but Lily had forced him to face the facts. It wasn't his fault. But now Lily couldn't see that she wasn't to blame for anything either.

It was eating Remus alive.

What could he possibly do for the girl? He could hear her at night, crying herself to sleep in the bedroom across the hall or creeping around the house at three a.m. because she couldn't fall asleep. Remus didn't know what he could do to ease the pain she was feeling because of James' absence…

"Lily?" Remus knocked on her bedroom door, which was slightly open. Without waiting for an answer, he pushed it open and poked his head in. "Hey," he said.

"Hey, Remus," Lily said. She was laying on the bed, spread-eagled and staring at the ceiling…the same position that she had found James in the night that they had gotten together.

"Can I sit?" Remus requested.

"Of course."

Remus took a seat on the edge of the bed as Lily sat up and crossed her legs. "You okay?"

"I'm trying to be," Lily said honestly. "I really don't feel okay, though. I feel like-"

"None of this is your fault," Remus said sternly. "Sirius is filled with grief and James is trying to protect him from anything more happening to him. He shouldn't have yelled at you and he shouldn't have gone after Sirius by himself."

Biting her lip, Lily nodded. Deep down, she knew that Remus was right…Remus usually was. Still, it was hard not to feel somewhat responsible for all of this. A single tear fell from the corner of Lily's right eye. She quickly wiped it, trying to hide it from Remus, but it was followed by quite a few more.

Before she knew it, Lily was crying and Remus had taken hold of her, comforting the green-eyed redhead. As he rocked her back and forth, he wondered why James would leave her to herself. Yes, Sirius needed to be found, but why would James leave Lily the way he did? It wasn't right on his part…it just wasn't right…

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I know that it's short, don't kill me…please. My apologies.