King Rat: Our Kingdom

Author Notes: Realized I forgot to mention a few things last time! I'm trying to keep a bit of a theme for the chapter titles. (This one is a little more on the nose, but the others take a little more.) A little knowledge of floriography and flower symbology may help, if you're curious. Wikipedia has entries under "Plant symbolism" and "hanakotoba" or on the website Victorian Bazaar (dot com) (slash) meanings (dot html.) Last chapter, for example: "baby's breath," while a loose reference to babies in general, means "innocence," and I probably don't have to explain thorns, because you guys aren't twelve. I guess a more exact translation comes out to "Adversity against Innocence."

Also of note: I am very much pro-choice! Any woman or individual in possession of a uterus should be allowed to do whatever they want with it and its contents, and nobody should be able to tell them otherwise. Gojyo just got a very raw deal, and I sympathize. Let's see if he can get a little empathy. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine.

33: Build Me Up, Buttercup

The house was especially quiet when Sanzo arrived back with in tow. Goku had been eagerly bouncing on his heels when he came in, chanting about food and how much he wanted to eat it, and Sanzo finishing a cigarette and ignoring Goku in his usual practiced manner. The shop had been in immaculate condition when Sanzo and Goku arrived, with Gojyo at the front desk with one elbow on the surface, the ledger open in front of him, and the smell of dinner wafting from upstairs. Gojyo lifted a tired, limp hand in greeting.

"Ichi brought the boys home, he took them up to play. Go on, I'll be there in a minute." Sanzo nodded, but stood in front of Gojyo to study his eyes.

"You're alright?"

"Long day." Gojyo shrugged, and Sanzo lowered his head but continued on his way. Gojyo breathed a sigh of relief; that had gone much easier than the last arrival home:

"Bro, what the hell?!" Ryuichi gaped at the papers and books spilled over the floor, and held the twins back behind him. Gojyo picked up the mess as Hakkai swept, and the two traded a look at the other before Gojyo rose to face him.

"My clumsy ass tripped. Knocked everything over." He smiled and shrugged. "Can't do much but clean it up. Could you keep the little guys out of the way?" He put his hands on his knees to meet the boys' eyes. "You guys had a good day?"

"Yeah!" Yohei grinned.

"Uh-huh!" Eiji tried to look around Ryuichi's legs to see into the shop. "Daddy, why-"

"Awesome. You can tell me all about it later." He stood back up. "You mind, Ichi?"

"Uh- yeah- you got it." Ryuichi winced. He could think of a few words to describe Gojyo, but clumsy wasn't one of them. Not with the way he'd seen him handle that shakujou. "Bro- are you still sick?"

Gojyo seemed to need a minute, and Ryuichi could see him take a breath. "Yeah. Made me stumble. I'm okay, kid." His smile softened. "Don't worry about me. Thanks for handling the kids while we deal with this." Ryuichi's eyes hung on him as he ushered the twins out of the way, not with anger, but with pity, and Gojyo exhaled as the upstairs door shut. Hakkai set a hand on his shoulder.

"Perhaps it's wise to leave the children out of this as best as we can." He squeezed. "We shouldn't worry them." Gojyo nodded to agree, but that scrutinizing gaze told him it wouldn't be so easy with a nosy little brother around.

Goku and the children carried the whole of the dinner conversation: the boys rambled about their day, about a bug they saw on the playground, about the soccer game Yohei played with Tai and some of the other boys, about the picture Eiji drew on the sidewalk. Goku talked about fixing the roof of the sanctuary, damaged by wind, while Sanzo had been penned up in his office buried in paperwork the entire day.

"I'm surprised you aren't still there," Gojyo had grumbled after Goku stressed entire day a few times. Goku's head swung between the two, expectantly, curiously, then looked bewildered when Sanzo let his shoulders sink.

"I don't care how urgent I'm told it is. It's boring. Besides, I know two young men who need help with their math homework." He gave the boys an rather intimidating look, which they both took for ploy. Eiji even giggled.

"I'm good at the maths, Papa."

Yohei held his hand out. "Can I play with your ciggies again?"

To Gojyo's immense surprise, Sanzo withdrew the harisen from his sleeve and tapped it on Yohei's wrist. "They are not toys." Yohei's jaw fell, and Gojyo didn't know whether to be angry or to laugh. He knew the harisen was much more noisy than painful, but while Goku took it as a joke, this was their first exposure. Luckily, Yohei shook his wrist off and looked at the fan in Sanzo's hand.

"Is that a toy? I wanna see!"

"This is for adults only. I use it to scold silly monkeys." He put the harisen away, and Yohei stuck his tongue out.

"Not a monkey, Papa." He scooped up his chopsticks, and set his shoulders back and lifted his little nose. "I'm a motorcycle."

Gojyo laughed, showing the first smile Sanzo had seen in him all night. "Kiddo, you're not even old enough to drive." Sanzo felt a physical loss when Gojyo's smile faded, when his head dropped back down, when his eyes fixed back to shuffling his food around his plate.

He wasn't precognitive, like Goku seemed to be, but he could tell when something wasn't quite right. He just didn't know how to ask what it was.

The evening went as it always did, with the four of them settling down to Mah Jong once the twins had been laid down to sleep. Sanzo kept feeling Ryuichi passing behind them, though not with the same quiet anger he'd exhibited the past few times he'd seen the boy, but he whispered a good night to Gojyo as he organized his tiles.

"Uh, if you're feeling sick again tonight, are you gonna shut the shop tomorrow?" Sanzo caught this as Ryuichi asked. Gojyo chuckled, not looking up as he moved a few tiles over and studied his layout.

"Sorry, Ichi, but if the store's not open, money's not coming in. With winter coming, we just can't afford that." Sanzo noticed his hand drift up to his neck and adjust his collar, and spotted the edge of a purple bruise just below the V where his top button was unbuttoned. He felt his eyes widen, but lowered his gaze away as Ryuichi squeezed Gojyo's shoulder.

"Maybe take a day off?"

"No way. I'm fine, okay?" Gojyo tilted a glare up at him, and Ryuichi stumbled back.

"If you're sure." His shoulders slumped. "I'll just go sweep the shop and go do my homework, okay?"

Guilt gnawed at Gojyo's knuckles, but he nodded as Ryuichi turned on his heel for the door. "Thanks." He stilled for a moment, then looked at his retreating back. "Y'know, if you want, I'll teach you. You and me can switch out spots between rounds." Ryuichi glanced back, brow lifting, lightened, and pushed up a little smile.

"Maybe tomorrow. I got a big essay due, and I don't think Mr. Hwong will appreciate me saying I wanted to play Mah Jong more than do my homework."

"Got it." He looked back down. "Night, kiddo." He looked back down, fixating on his tiles, and Sanzo grunted in quiet disapproval.

"He's concerned about you, is he?"

"He's a good kid," Gojyo muttered, giving Sanzo an even stare. For the second time tonight, Goku turned back and forth between the two, and slumped, disappointed, when Sanzo clicked his tongue and leaned back in his chair.

"He was being a surly asshole before. Wonder what changed his tune." He pushed some tiles forward, and Gojyo caught a glimpse of a silent anger under his eyelids. "Let's play."

Playtime was over all too soon, but it was enough for Gojyo. Sanzo's glare was hot on his brow the entire time. He could feel Sanzo glowering at him when they saw Goku off, as he scampered back to the temple at quarter of ten in hopes of beating the curfew. He could almost feel Sanzo pinching his shoulder when Hakkai said his good-nights to them and retired. Gojyo let it roll off of him as best as he could, and tiptoed as fleetly as he could away. Sanzo gave chase up the stairs and down the hall. "Show me your goddamned chest!" He caught Gojyo by the collar as he made to dodge into the bathroom and yanked him back.

"Geh!- Shit, Kou, watch the neck!" Gojyo spun back around as Sanzo set his hands on his hips, and unbuttoned the top two buttons. Sanzo scowled at the visible bruises.

"That piece of shit brat. Why did he hit you?" Sanzo planted a firm hand on Gojyo's shoulder, and Gojyo slouched.

"Ryuichi? He..." Gojyo swallowed; he didn't have to lie. He could tell Sanzo the truth right now, but it was clear he'd already drawn his conclusion. He won't believe me. He'll never believe me. "He was pissed over my drinking. He got frustrated and threw a few swings. It didn't hurt." He buttoned his shirt again, and folded his arms over his chest. Sanzo shook his head, disgusted.

"If he does it again, kick his ass out. You shouldn't be attacked in your own damned home. You put this roof over his head-"

"I know, I know. Can I take a piss now?" Gojyo stepped back and into the bathroom, and slammed the door shut behind him. Sanzo stood, silent, and stared at the door, and Gojyo slid down the other side to the floor.

Fuck, how am I going to do this? He looked down to his middle. What the hell am I going to do about you?

Lying in bed with Sanzo gave him none of the usual peace that his warmth usually brought. Sanzo's arm, crooked to hold his newspaper, looked so inviting, but Gojyo could feel every nerve in him on edge. He was sure he would break down if he curled up close, so he sat back on the far side of his bed, twiddling his thumbs and staring at the bends of his knees, until Sanzo reached for the bedside lamp. Even his goodnight kiss sent a chill through him. Gojyo faced the wall away from Sanzo and folded his knees up to his chest, then hugged them there. He could only hope Sanzo wouldn't touch him in the night, sure he would spill the whole thing unprepared if he did.

I'm having your baby. Right now. She's in here, it's too late. You're going to have to strangle me to take her out of me. If you stay with me, we're all going to die. If you leave me, I won't want to live anymore. Fuck, I love you, why the hell does this have to be so fucked up?!

Sanzo meandered into his office in the morning, and found Goku already there, organizing some papers. He slumped into his chair, and stared down at the report facing him. The desire to fold it into a rose welled up in him from somewhere, but he pushed it down and picked up his pen. Goku sidled up to his desk, wearing a big, eager grin.

"So?"

"So what?" Sanzo's nostrils flared, and Goku hopped from foot to foot.

"So?" He beamed, and Sanzo dropped the paper and sneered at him.

"Who sugared your tea this morning?" Goku stopped hopping, and his head dropped.

"Well, who pissed in your porridge?" He skulked over to his mat and started to tie his shoes on. Sanzo sighed and rubbed his brow.

"I didn't sleep well, and you're being a pest first thing in the damned morning."

"Bad night? What happened?" Goku halted in unlacing his shoes to listen, and Sanzo sighed again and rubbed his face from brow to chin.

"This doesn't leave the room, alright?" He placed his elbow on his desk and his chin in his palm, and Goku nodded, straight-faced and somber. He faced Sanzo, but Sanzo didn't make eye contact in return, and gestured with his empty hand. "Gojyo... he's being distant with me. He has reason to be upset with me, but damned if I'm not trying to make things right. I just don't know how to make him trust me again."

"Oh." Goku curled his toes a few times, and folded his arms. "That's no good. You definitely want him to trust you, and all. Well, uh, how did you get him to do it before?"

"I'm not sure. He just... did." Sanzo's hand dropped, and he picked up his pen. "I want him to know I'm sincere. I don't know how."

"Uh, why don't you try showing him?" Goku pulled his shoes on and bounded back over to the desk. The vase of chrysanthemums rattled when he landed near the desk, and Sanzo snapped a hand out to steady it, then glared at Goku again.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Show him," Goku repeated, and squinted at Sanzo. "You know, whatever couples do." He scratched his head, and Sanzo looked down at his papers. "I don't know what sort of stuff that is, but I guess you could bring him home snacks, whatever he wants, and all-"

"They have food." Sanzo irritably flipped a page over, having barely read the first. Goku sniffed and looked away.

"'Scuse me for tryin' to help! You don't give presents, and you don't really do PDA, I don't know how people do this stuff!" He folded his arms and snorted at the floor. "S'not like I've ever had a girlfriend. Not really. I mean, there's ladies in Heaven wavin' their fans at me, but they're not cute at all..."

"Goku." Sanzo pressed his palm into the desk, a warning tone in his voice.

"I dunno, call him something cute!" Goku threw both hands up. Sanzo did lift his head to this.

"Something... cute."

"Yeah!" Goku stomped his feet. "Like, he calls you- something. You'd get mad if I said it." He pouted, and Sanzo rolled his eyes. "He calls you a nickname that only he can use, why don't you call him one?" He counted off on his fingers. "Darling, or honey, or sweetie, or lover, or baby, or- or- I dunno!"

"Stop shouting!" Sanzo whipped out his harisen and slapped it against Goku's backside. Goku yelped and jumped out of Sanzo's range.

"You're so mean! I'm just trying to help!" He swept his hair up with his fingers and tied it into a ponytail. "I'm gonna go beat the crap out of the baby acolytes. Have fun with your boring stuff!" He jogged out, sliding the door into the opposite doorjamb hard, and Sanzo slumped over onto his desk. He glimpsed his reflection in the glass of the vase, and took a gradual breath.

"Gojyo... darling..." He winced. "S... Sweet... ugh." He lowered his head and shuddered as the word caught in his throat. "Hon... that's even worse." He reached out to touch the vase, superimposing Gojyo's face over his own in his mind. "Gojyo... my love..." He cupped the curve of the vase, and replaced the cool sensation of the icy glass against his palm with the slight bow of Gojyo's back from his memory. "Darling... my love... my only..." He swallowed his anxiety, and repeated it: "Dar... ling."

Maybe if he kept saying it, he could make it sound believable. Maybe Gojyo would at least smile if he tried, even if it was only to laugh at him. There had to be some way to get back the warm, sensuous, smiling Gojyo that made his heart feel like it fit in his chest, instead of the unpleasant way it seemed to rattle against his ribs when they were apart.

"Please. Darling. D-dear. My love... tell me what's wrong..."

"God, Hakkai, I can't do this for six months." Gojyo pressed his head down to his table, ignoring the stack of orders in the corner. "I gotta find some way to tell him. Even if it makes him hate me, I can't shut myself up that damn long."

Hakkai, on his stool, buried his hand in his hair as Gojyo vented into his bent arm. "You'll have to lift your head if you want me to commiserate. I can't hear you." And Gojyo said nothing. Instead, he groped for the orders and dragged them closer, and lifted his mouth long enough to ask:

"We got calla lilies? Or do I gotta drive out and buy some?" Hakkai recognized a diversion when he heard it, but dropped from the stool to his feet to check.

Work was quiet, the two partitioned as they usually were; Hakkai dealt with all the customers, and Gojyo hid in his little office, buried in his work. At least there, with orders to assemble and stock to fill, he didn't have to fake a smile for customers or talk to people. He could be alone with his thoughts. That may not have been the healthiest thing; his thoughts were confused and painful. Every time he thought he could grasp a point, it slipped away from him. His heart raced and slowed, making him feel nauseous all the more. Twice, he had to stop work to vomit, and while he blamed the first time on morning sickness, the second he could only think was from the tremors he was giving himself. He did get a chuckle out of Hakkai when he slouched back to his work room the second time with a bag of roasted, salted edamame. (Just because he was panicking and nauseous didn't mean he would stop wanting anything salty he could get his hands on.) Around mid-day, he noticed Hakkai in the storage room, pulling up the step ladder.

"You need some more glass vases for the case bouquets, correct?" He pulled an armful of vases down and set them down at Gojyo's feet. "Here you are."

"Uh, thanks? I could'a gotten those." Gojyo frowned, and Hakkai shrugged his shoulders.

"I wouldn't want you to stumble on the ladder." He patted Gojyo's shoulder, and Gojyo snorted and turned back to the flowers in his hand.

"I've never fallen off that damned thing."

"You've been having vertigo, and it may not get better for another week or so, not until you're firmly into the second trimester." Hakkai sensed a frisson of anger off Gojyo's rising hackles, and stepped to the doorway. "Your blood pressure should even out soon. You were lucky last time; spending so much time resting in the Jeep probably kept you from noticing the symptoms." He chuckled quietly, sincerely. "With any luck, you'll be right as rain soon."

"Right," Gojyo mumbled, and snipped a few stems. Hakkai lingered in the doorway a moment longer, and Gojyo felt his eyes dancing on the back of his neck. "Something else you needed, bro?"

"No. I enjoy watching you work. You do know your way around these things." He drifted a step closer. "My sister... she, too, had an affinity for flowers. She worked in a flower shop while looking to start her career in earnest." He giggled again, and Gojyo pointedly avoided his eyes. "She was rather clumsy about it." He lifted the back of his hand to his lips to muffle another small laugh. "She would cut stems too short and nick blossoms off when she was trying to trim a petal, but she loved the work, especially when she was praised. She always ensured the flowers were taken care of. Why, if the store closed for a holiday weekend, she would even break in through the back window to freshen the water." Gojyo realized Hakkai was no longer watching him, but staring out the back door. "She was determined." His head lowered. "It's still so strange to speak of her in the past tense. My, has it really been more than a decade?"

"You talk about like it was yesterday." Gojyo put a band on the bottom of the bouquet in his hands and set it in a vase. "Maybe that's why you can't get a girlfriend."

"Your tongue is a spear." Hakkai sighed and turned to return to his desk, but a thunderous CRUNCH from outside caught their attention. Both of them jumped, Hakkai from the door, Gojyo from his stool, and the two rushed out to where the noise had come from. The bell chimed as the door shut behind them, and Hakkai and Gojyo stared up to see their rain gutter laying flat on the ground in front of them, rather than up against the corner of the building. A hefty lead pipe was left alongside it, as well as a pair of leather gloves, to make it clear that this was not mere erosion nor rust damage.

Hakkai and Gojyo looked at the fallen gutter. Gojyo examined the bracer that had bound it to the brick, bent out of shape, while Hakkai ran his fingers over the dents to the pipe itself. They looked at each other, then back at the gutter.

"So, uh, we got a bigger ladder?" Gojyo let his knee scrape the ground, then pushed himself to a stand.

"I don't believe we do, no." Hakkai ran his fingers up and back through his hair. "Besides that, I don't think that particular scrap of metal-" He gestured to the bracer- "will do us any good. We'll have to get a professional."

"Shit. Money we ain't fucking got." Gojyo scrubbed his forehead. "I'll go deal with it. You watch the shop. I want this shit out of our storefront before the afternoon rush." His shoulders sank. "Or at least before Sanzo gets home."

Sanzo noticed nothing awry when he arrived at the shop in the evening, neither the smaller dinner portions on the adults' plates, nor the shiny new bracer on the gutter pipe. The only trouble he noticed was that Gojyo still kept his head low. He was making more than token attempts at conversation with all three children, right up to scrutinizing Ryuichi's report card and slapping his wrist with it ("Seriously?! A D+ isn't cool, little bro! I don't care if they started putting letters in with the numbers. What, you need to start counting cigarettes too?"), but when Sanzo tried to cut in, Gojyo's eyes went right back down to the table. Sanzo even got the same reluctant reception when they broke out a board game with the entire family; slowed motions, and avoiding his touch even when trading dice between their hands. He didn't make eye contact once through their late night poker game.

He forced contact as they prepared for bed, seizing Gojyo's wrist as he tried to go into the bathroom. "Let me see your bruises." He unbuttoned Gojyo's shirt with a few rough yanks, and Gojyo stuffed his hands in his pockets and glared at something on the ceiling as Sanzo got a view of the bruises on his midsection for the first time; these were pale red, unlike the purple ones on his chest. "You didn't mention these."

"Yeah. They don't hurt." He shivered as Sanzo traced the contour of one of the livid ovals, and took hold of Sanzo's wrists. "Kou, please-"

"If that little asshole touches you again, I'll kick his goddamned ass." Sanzo backed away, and Gojyo fingers fleetly flew up the buttons again to cover his torso.

"Fine. Whatever. Just, let me go piss before bed." Gojyo bolted into the bathroom before Sanzo could reach for him again, and slammed the door behind him. Sanzo winced as the noise resonated in his ear drums, then turned to Gojyo's dresser, placed his palms on the flat top, and faced the mirror.

His voice dropped to a whisper. "Dear." He could see Gojyo combing his hair out, smirking at his own reflection, swaying his hips to see how good he looked in whatever he'd picked out to wear. "Darling." He pushed the fresh image of Gojyo shoving him off, pushing him back, refusing to meet his eyes, out and away. "My love." He let his elbows buckle, his weight pressed down through his wrists. "I don't understand. I'm trying." He lifted his eyes towards Heaven, then back to the ground. "How did you make me trust you? You're the only one I ever loved before he lured me in." He shuddered; he hated the sensation of being exposed and alone. Usually, when he cracked the seal to his heart open, Gojyo would rush in and cover it back up, enveloping the cold within with his own fire. With him keeping his distance, all that remained was cold. It was why he had never wanted to open himself to others after losing Koumyou: if all he had was himself, then there was no risk of being abandoned. Gojyo, I can't lose you. What am I missing? He folded his arms around his chest, trying to replace the cold, hollow feeling with some sort of warmth, the same warmth that Gojyo had pleaded for from him all those years ago.

He couldn't hear through the door. He couldn't hear Gojyo emptying his stomach out again, shaking down to his fingers. He touched me. Why is that freaking me out? He even touched... His hand drifted across the bruises splattering his stomach. Gods, what the fuck am I going to do when I start getting fat? He's gonna notice. I have to tell him, I have to, but fuck if I can! The Merciful Goddess is so fucking cruel. He flushed his dinner away, and curled around the hollow in his heart and stomach. Maybe if I stay here long enough, he'll just go to sleep. Just forget I'm here.

Gojyo didn't move for a long time, until Sanzo knocked. "If you're finished, I'm coming in to brush my teeth."

Well, shit.

They got into bed easily enough; Gojyo curled up around himself again, Sanzo wrapped an arm over his shoulder. Sleep did not come as readily, and the two lay, Gojyo staring at the wall, Sanzo at the back of his neck, neither knowing the other was awake. Neither could stop thinking long enough to find rest. All the lines and curves Sanzo admired were cold and unwelcoming, and Gojyo shivered at his touch.

"Salty snack foods again?" Hakkai pursed his lips to see Gojyo digging in on a bag of potato chips around his work catalog. Gojyo shrugged.

"It ain't like I gotta worry about getting fat. That's gonna happen anyway." Gojyo pulled out a handful and munched them up one by one, and Hakkai dispassionately sniffed into his shirt collar. "Guess it's a craving."

"I suppose. It's a common one, too. It's my understanding that salt cravings are a sign of mineral deficiency, and possibly adrenal fatigue." He rubbed his chin and cupped his opposite elbow. "It's probably due to some malnutrition, since you seem to keep vomiting. It could also be due in part to your low blood pressure. Still." He pinned the bag shut with his hand. "Too many salty snacks could be bad for you. Why don't I get you a nice multivitamin to deal with the mineral deficiency, and treat the rest as we need to?"

"No, I'm hungry." Gojyo slipped his hand under Hakkai's, and relished the disgusted sigh he got in response as he whipped out a few more chips.

"I'm going to water the flowers. Enjoy ruining your cardiac health." Hakkai stalked off, very clearly not hunching his shoulders in irritation, and Gojyo chomped down a few more chips.

The minor worries about the quality of his diet were a welcome relief from the rest of the troubles on his mind. If he was worried about the amount of salt and fat he was putting into himself, then he didn't have to worry over the strain between him and Sanzo.

The water pipes upstairs rattled, then stopped. He heard the water pump start and stop again, then again. He then heard Hakkai running back down the stairs, carrying the empty watering can, and saw him dart past him into the back yard. Gojyo frowned, and followed him out the door. He didn't even have to ask what the problem was: the ground was starting to soak through and turn into a massive mud puddle, and an iron stake was driven into the dirt, more than likely right into the pipe. Hakkai scrubbed his eyes with his thumb and middle finger and laughed.

"It seems we're not going to have water here for a few days." He looked up, his polite mask in full effect. "I think we should send the children to stay with Sanzo until we can get this fixed."

Gojyo was gobsmacked for a minute solid, and finally rasped, "What about us?"

"There are public showers and wells a few streets over, for homes that don't have running water." Hakkai dusted his hands, as if to brush off the troubles. "We can bring in enough to get by on. Unless you'd rather stay at a hotel or the like."

"No, fuck it. The wells are free." Gojyo slumped against the wall and yanked the strings of his apron loose. Hakkai went to the wall and turned a knob to stop the water flow, and planted his hands on his hips to glare at the growing mud puddle.

"As if this back yard weren't enough of a mess already." He turned a sideways eye to Gojyo. "Do you think-"

"Yeah. I do. I even have an idea as to how he's doing it." Gojyo turned back inside to get his boots on, Hakkai behind him. "I think he can brainwash people."

This gave Hakkai pause. "Erm- were you watching that Birdie Rangers show the boys like?"

"No, I'm being serious. When me an' Banri were having it out, he mentioned a guy in black sent him, and he was muttering something about his head. Thing is, I kinda figured someone put him up to it, but without someone holding his leash, Banri wouldn't'a stuck around for a fight he didn't think he could win." He tied his shoes on, clearly pondering it in the reflection of his eyes on the tile. "I dunno how he would do it, but he might'a put somethin' in Banri's head to make him do what he did."

"I'm not sure, but we have seen stranger things." Hakkai tore a piece of paper from his order book and started to write a "We Are Closed" note. "There's little we can do about it at the moment. I'll haul some water in for us while you get the plumber."

That afternoon, Sanzo was nigh stunned to see Gojyo at his door with the twins in tow and two little suitcases, wearing a nervous smile. He breathlessly explained, and Sanzo ushered the boys in without question.

"Go and get your and Hakkai's things. The brat, too. I'll have some pallets set up for you. We can feed three more mouths."

"Sorry." Gojyo's eyes ghosted over his shoulder. "We gotta stick around and watch the house while they're working on the pipes. Plus, we gotta try and open tomorrow." He got down on his knees. "I'll pick you guys up for school tomorrow, okay?" He blew kisses, and Eiji rushed to him to give a hug. Yohei was too busy exploring Sanzo's room.

"Papa, we gonna play cards?" He grinned as he held up the deck from Sanzo's desk drawer, and Sanzo scoffed and went to fix the papers he'd already strewn onto the floor.

"Love you too, kiddo!" Gojyo called to him, then threaded his fingers in Eiji's hair. "It's only for a few days. You'll have fun at Papa's. You'll see me." Eiji mumbled his farewell, and with one last snuggle from Gojyo, he settled in on Goku's mat as Gojyo bowed to Sanzo again. "Sorry for the intrusion."

"It's not a problem. It's just unfortunate that this happened." Sanzo started to reach for the gold card in his back pocket, but halted himself and let his hand drop. "I'll see you in the morning, I suppose."

"Suppose so." Gojyo smiled, and it was the closest Sanzo had seen him come to genuine in days. He waved over his shoulder as he turned, taking long strides for the exit. He noticed Akio out of the corner of his eye as he passed the sanctuary, and picked up speed. He could feel those cold eyes on the back of his neck, and knew he was being watched. Akio grumbled under his breath, and Avadhuti's familiar, low voice rumbled from beside him:

"What shall tomorrow's repercussions be?" Akio glanced up and behind him, where Avadhuti stood guard between the fence and the gingko tree.

"I don't think that will be necessary." Akio folded his hands in his lap. "He seems to be better at taking messages than originally assumed."

Gojyo was expecting more unpleasant things to happen while the plumbing repairs were still going. He woke every morning anticipating cut wires or broken windows, maybe eggs thrown up onto the canopy over the door, but nothing happened. Two days without the boys in the home, two days of only passing conversation with Sanzo, and two days with no strange incidents affecting the house. Gojyo could near feel the weight lifted off of him, not just from not having to worry over spilling his secret to Sanzo, but from not looking over his shoulder every second for something unpleasant. It clicked for Hakkai first.

"Do you think that these things that are happening are a direct result of Sanzo staying at the house overnight?" Hakkai put the dishes in the sink and poured some hot water from a kettle onto them to rinse them clean. Gojyo's head slowly lifted from scrutinizing the ledger, and he put it together much the way Hakkai must have.

"You think that Sanzo not bein' here means stuff doesn't happen to us?" It made sense- he'd gotten beaten up after Sanzo had slept over the night Akio had threatened him, and he'd stayed over the next two nights, followed by the next two incidents. "I guess since Lord Akio stays at the temple, he'll know if Sanzo's not in his bed. Shit." Gojyo drove his fingers back through his hair. "So, what do I do? Just tell Sanzo, 'You can't stay?'"

"I'm not sure." Hakkai turned back to the dishes, his voice trailing off on that high note that indicated he knew precisely what Gojyo should do, and that Gojyo should as well.

Sanzo returned the boys that evening with their suitcases and a petite strawberry mousse cake. "As a 'welcome home' present," he'd grumbled when Ryuichi, Yohei, and Eiji descended on the confection like vultures onto a fallen dinosaur. Gojyo noticed his harsh gaze lingering on Ryuichi, before he faced him with a considerably softer face. "Did you want some?"

"I'm not that huge on sweets. Let the kids have it." Gojyo pressed his palms to his lower back casually, and ignored the voice in his mind suggesting that the strawberries would taste perfectly awesome with a nice coating of seat salt.

The night went as it always did, but Gojyo felt his eyes sink away from Sanzo whenever he tried to make eye contact and keep the conversation going. He wanted to listen to Sanzo recounting the boys' stay at the temple, but the guilt built up against the back of his throat like a rising flood whenever he tried to focus on Sanzo. He even felt out of sync with Sanzo when giving the boys their evening bath, and the slight motion of Sanzo's fingers threading through Yohei's hair made his throat catch as he tried to read their bedtime story. The few rounds of poker they played with Hakkai were torturously quiet, and Hakkai excused himself early, leaving the two of them alone with the deck of cards, legs crossed on the floor, darkness creeping in from the corners. Gojyo had felt it all pass around him as though in the eye of a storm, but faced Sanzo with a small smile and spoke through the whirlwind.

"Kou, look, I know it's been rough for us lately, and it's not getting any easier, but I need a favor." He clenched his fists over his knees, as Sanzo beckoned him to continue with a fractional nod. "Something's gotten fucked in my head. I'm having trouble sleeping when you're in my bed."

Sanzo's eyes first widened, then quickly narrowed. "Is that so?" He inhaled slowly, then reached for Gojyo's face. Gojyo leaned into his palm, enjoying the warmth of his caress so much more than he should have.

"I don't know what it is, babe, I still wanna touch you and hug you and hold you, but my body keeps telling me 'no, no, no.'" He rubbed his cheek to Sanzo's hand again, and Sanzo's eyes sank shut completely when a long strand of hair entwined in his fingers. "It's not you, it's me." He drew back, aching for Sanzo's warmth the moment their connection broke. "How much are you going to hate me if I ask you to give me a little space until I work this shit out?"

Sanzo's eyes slid just open, fixing Gojyo with a harsh look he hadn't seen directed at him in a long time; not angry, but verging on derision. "Won't it help to be exposed to whatever's bothering you more?"

"Eventually, but I need to figure out what the fuck it actually is first. Don't take this the wrong way. I love your sexy ass more than I should." He seized Sanzo's hand before he had a chance to avoid his grab, squeezed his knuckles. "I want you here when you can be here, I want you at the dinner table and playing with the boys, I want you to kiss me good night. I just can't sleep with you in my bed. Tell me you understand." He squeezed, harder. "Tell me you get that I'm fucked up and as much as I wanna go headlong into whatever we're gonna have together, I can't because it's making me sick in the head?"

"Tell me sooner, damn you." Sanzo's hands fell to the floor. "If it's making you so anxious, say so. I've waited for you before, I can do it again." He brought himself to his feet, still glowering down towards Gojyo. "When you're ready to have me in your bed again, say so."

As promised, Sanzo kissed Gojyo good night before he walked him to the door, and waved him off as he strolled off down the block, perhaps a bit faster than normal to ensure he beat the curfew.

That damned curfew. He probably put it into place just to rip me and Kou apart that little bit more. Shrewd fucking bastard, why is he so damned obsessed with this?

Gojyo hated lying to Sanzo. He could count on one hand the lies he'd told Sanzo over the years since they'd decided to "make things work"- no, one finger. Not telling him about Jien ain't exactly lying, but it sure as hell ain't truthful. He had to add to that, now that he lay awake and alone in his big bed with its slick, inviting sheets, begging more company. He could still just smell the specter of Sanzo's soap on his empty pillow. As poorly as he slept with the paranoia of Sanzo finding his aching secret, he slept none at all without a soft, small but strong hand on his hip or shoulder.

And yet, when the next day passed without incident, Gojyo swallowed Akio's message like a bitter pill: "If Sanzo is in your bed, there will be misery in your home."

After a few weeks of Sanzo staying at the temple every night, Goku noticed the change in him again. It was the same as when Sanzo was denied the opportunity to visit Gojyo at all, the same result- Sanzo was working at the papers on his desk less enthusiastically, eventually putting his head down on the table to study the crack in the wall. Goku knew he was trying to look angry, but couldn't withhold a chuckle. The Genjo Sanzo who had raised him, whom he had grown up with, was sulking like a put-out teenager. He had no right to sulk! So Goku thought. If anything, I should be sulking.

"Somethin' wrong, Sanzo?" Goku hopped up onto the desk, letting his longer hair drift onto the papers scattered across it. "You look ready to pout-fold a bunch of origami again." Sanzo didn't even lift his head.

"Fuck off, chimp."

Now that hurt. Goku rolled his eyes. He knew Sanzo had been booted from Gojyo's bed, but he was told it had something to do with Gojyo being crazy after the journey. Now, he feared that it was more serious than that. "You know, if something's bugging you, you can always tell me. We're kinda friends, right?"

"Kinda," Sanzo grumbled, and Goku wondered if he was confirming it or just repeating what he'd said. He lifted his head. "I've tried to be nice. I don't feel things are improving. If anything, he's becoming more distant."

This was a good sign- Sanzo trusting him more, telling him more. Goku liked the side of Sanzo that had emerged, even if it was a little melancholy. Goku understood, and it even fit the situation: "Look, all of us have changed over the years. Hakkai's started to act a little more natural around us, I'm a lot less naïve, you're, well, you. I think he's the only one changing for the worse." Sanzo frowned, which was enough for Goku to go on. "He's not as social, because he doesn't need others to fulfill his needs, but also because strangers are nerve wracking. He can act all sweet and nice around you because that's how he treats the people he loves, but haven't you noticed how he doesn't really go out places 'less he has to?"

Sanzo thought about it, and realized that Gojyo hadn't gone out to a bar (at least, not that he knew of) in more than five years.

"Yeah." Goku sighed. "So, when you're away from him, you start becoming a stranger. You've spent way too much time apart from him, and I guess the last time really hit home. You need to be patient in not being a stranger anymore."

"Since when did you grow up?" Sanzo scoffed quietly and started flipping through papers.

"A couple years before you started practicing calling Gojyo 'darling' in the mirror." Sanzo froze, and whipped his fan out of his robe pocket to whap Goku over the head.

"Owww! Sanzo-"

"That never leaves the fucking room."

"Screw you too." Goku stuck his tongue out at him. "Just be patient. Could be worse, right?"

"How?" Sanzo raised an eyebrow, eyes mere slits against anger-flushed cheeks. Goku, however, shyly kicked his legs against the desk.

"Well..." He cocked his head, eyes turned to the ceiling. "You know how when you know someone has a secret, but they won't tell you the secret?" Sanzo frowned, and Goku tilted his head side to side a few times; he sounded like he was begging Sanzo for something or other. "I mean, even if you know what the secret is, but they won't just say it?"

"Who do you know who has a secret?"

"Hypothetically." Sanzo rolled his eyes- the monkey could use big words, but that didn't make him a good liar. "Just, um, what do I do?" Goku turned his head over his shoulder, and Sanzo shrugged.

"Usually, when someone, especially a friend, keeps a secret, it's for a good reason. So, wait until they're ready to tell you."

"Oh. Oh!" Goku smiled, and hopped off the desk. "Then I'll wait. Hypothetically. Thanks!" He jogged out, leaving Sanzo to shake his head.

"Damned monkey. What the hell is he going on about?" He turned back to his desk, and caught his reflection in the vase in the corner of his desk, and stopped worrying about whatever was tugging Goku's ears. He had his own concerns. Even as the distance between them grew, Gojyo still kept fresh chrysanthemums on his desk. He vaguely remembered Hakkai murmuring some story about Gojyo giving his adoptive mother red flowers once, and being brutally beaten for it.

Maybe it's some sort of test. Maybe he's waiting for me to snap at him, or ensuring I won't. If that's what it is, then I'll accept these gifts as he offers them to me. Everything he offers me, I can accept. The thought gave him pause, and his mind drifted back to the conversation they'd had before Gojyo had started to pull away. Perhaps that is what scares him. I'll just have to prove to him that I'm for real, and that I'll keep him satisfied. I'll figure it out. "Darling." He touched his fingertips to the vase, and managed a tiny smile. "M-my love. I'll make you believe me."

In those first few weeks of nighttime separation, Gojyo had spent more than a few sleepless nights pacing the shop floor, hoping to exhaust himself. It wasn't like he could drink himself to sleep; that would be beyond stupid. As it proved, over and over, a fruitless effort, Gojyo put himself to some inane task to at least occupy his mind. The shop was never in better shape, the flower bins scrubbed spotless and the vinyl on the window immaculate and free of bubbles. Gojyo had even disassembled the circulating irrigation system in the flower case, wiped the rust out of all the joints, and put it back together in the course of a single night. Ryuichi was frustrated that he had so little to do each night.

"Bro, I like work! Why do you keep doing mine?" Ryuichi whined when he was told to 'just sweep up and we're set,' and Gojyo only smiled and tugged a strand of his growing hair.

"Your grades are slipping anyway. You need more time to study. You want Kai to tutor you?"

Ryuichi grumbled it off, but it gave Gojyo little comfort. He was just content to have something to do, because it was easier than dealing with the rest of his life. Part of the trouble was that Hakkai was allowing Gojyo to do less and less- lifting vases, getting things from high shelves, loading in stock, and he even kept a closer eye on him while he was working. He also caught Hakkai reading over the floral encyclopedia when he had time, and would be interrupted while working thus:

"I haven't found anything yet, but you're avoiding these no-no flowers, right? Rue? Anise blossoms?"

"We don't regularly carry those, bro!" Gojyo groaned from his desk, and pounded his fist into his forehead a few times. "You bring everything in, you know exactly what I'm working with!"

"I can do arrangements with anything that might pose a risk," Hakkai chimed back, as if Gojyo hadn't spoken. "I haven't practiced as much as you, but I can do a simple arrangements in a pinch."

"Great, thanks." Hakkai could taste the sarcasm on those words. "Nice to know I'm replaceable."

"That's not what I meant-" He paused as the telltale rustle of plastic resounded from the backroom. "Gojyo, that had best not be another bag of pretzels." Gojyo froze in place, and gulped down the mouthful of half-chewed pretzel that he most definitely was not eating.

That was another thing- Hakkai was getting very testy about his cravings. Gojyo had appreciated that, when they were on the road, Hakkai had indulged his mad desire for kimchi or pickles. Pickled anything would have done, but those were his favorites, and Hakkai kept him equipped with a steady supply. This time, Hakkai was being very stingy with the desired snack food.

"Too much salt will cause pre-eclampsia and hypertension," Hakkai admonished him over and over whenever he seized a package of peanuts, edamame, or potato chips. Gojyo groaned every time.

"Pickles were plenty fucking salty, you didn't say shit about those!"

"But they're also vegetables rich with vitamins, and lots of moisture." He pointed at the nutrition content listed on any given bag. "Almost no moisture, and a day's worth of salt in a single serving. No real food value, especially since you vomit the lot anyway. You keep eating through a couple of servings, and you don't eat normal meals." He dropped the bag in the trash, and Gojyo's jaw bottomed out on its hinge. "You must cut back."

It ended that way every time, but Gojyo would always get his fingers back onto a bag of salty snack foods. Even Hakkai's tease of, "You know, salt cravings mean you're having a boy," didn't faze him. It wasn't until the boys' fifth birthday that it came to a head.

The boys' indoor soccer group had a game that day, and Gojyo's exhaustion made him more than willing to kill two birds with one stone and host a party as Team Dad for the day, since most of the boys from his class were in their soccer league anyway. He wheedled Nuo into making a cake, and brought a stock of snacks for the team. The plan was for the kids to have a little party after their game, share cake and snacks, maybe even sing. Nuo delivered on the cake- in spite of Tai's quiet complaints that "Mama made it, I wannit now!" Gojyo supplied snacks, and hung out on the side of the field to pour bottled juice into cups and fill some bowls with potato chips and dried vegetables. He could see Hakkai, Goku, and Sanzo in the bleachers, watching the game, but instead of joining them, he lingered around the snacks and picked at the potato chips.

When the team finished their game and rushed the table for snack time, Gojyo realized that he had, in fact, not picked at the potato chips. He had packed them away, and could only grin and hide the empty bowl before distributing slices of cake and dried vegetables to the five-year-olds clamoring around him like sharks around chum. He felt Hakkai's hand on his wrist pulling him back and away while the children dug in, and heard Hakkai's voice like a feather duster against his ear.

"That was supposed to be enough for ten." Gojyo could hear the humorless smile, though he didn't divert his eyes from the boys digging in on their cake, and Hakkai pinched his wrist. "How did you eat ten servings of potato chips?"

"Er." Gojyo forced a big grin, and cast his eyes around. Sanzo was observing the snack party from a distance, and Goku had started an argument with the referee over the last call. "I guess once you have one, you have to have another?"

"Gojyo."

"Come on, Mom, I was hungry!" Gojyo gritted his teeth in a big, fake grin, and didn't quite raise his voice. "Does it help if I tell you I'm gonna lose it all later tonight anyway?"

"Consider this a moratorium." Hakkai released him, as the feather duster turned into fine-grit sandpaper. "You will have no more salt. There will be no snack foods in the house. None. Even if the children beg and plead."

"And what if I beg and plead?" Gojyo turned to face him, a scowl coming to his cheeks unbidden, and Hakkai chuckled into his palm.

"I said 'children' already." He took a handful of dried carrots and snap peas and waved to Sanzo to join them, and Gojyo knew Hakkai was ending the conversation by blunt force. With Sanzo at his side again, he couldn't argue anything that was even tangentially related to the baby.

That was the hardest part- Gojyo wanted, so badly, to tell. Sentiment screamed that Sanzo would open his arms and accept it, even if it was a fluke, even if he'd said he wouldn't want it. Logic reminded him that even after years of gentle coaxing and kind treatment, Sanzo was still very close to the emotional cave he'd grown up in, the one that had given him a single source of light and extinguished it the moment he came close to it. Gojyo couldn't reconcile the devoted, if timid and quiet, father that presented himself to the boys on a nightly basis with the animal that had screamed at and savaged him for lies he didn't tell and mistakes he didn't make.

On the nights he did chance to sleep in his own bed, he would sleep for an hour, maybe forty-five minutes, then rouse with a sour stomach and stare at the ceiling for the same amount of time. He didn't remember dreaming, even as his exhaustion waxed through the weeks, but he had many, many semi-lucid thoughts.

Life is easier without Sanzo around. No weird panic attacks, no damage to the house; he just comes in, makes the boys happy, and goes home. His hands flexed over his navel; at twenty weeks from conception, he was starting to feel the slight swell. But god do I miss him. I miss the way he smells, I miss that sweet little smile he gets sometimes. He winced, as his fingers drifted to his pubic bone. He could feel a slight tenting at the join of his legs; merely wild thoughts of Sanzo escaping in the only way they could. I miss sex. He let his hand glide over the bulge, then cupped it. I never thought I'd want to get laid with a baby in me. Not that he'll touch me when... if... he finds out. He buried his hands under the small of his back to keep temptation at bay. Shit, I don't think I'd care if the house got fucked up, or if I got beat up every day, if we had a chance to be happy together. He rocked his back against the mattress, and his weight shifted with it to soothe his aching spine. Maybe I oughta try and talk to him. I've tried pushing him out, but even if stuff is easier, I want a goddamn chance. He still smiles at me when we're together. Maybe if I try... He smirked. Maybe I can get laid again. Or he could convince Hakkai to give me snacks. His smile dissolved, and he let his hand rest on his middle again. Or maybe I won't feel so goddamn hollow. Maybe things will get better. Maybe, if I just take it slow and talk to him, I can still fix this. If I can just muster up the guts. It's not like we're dead!

(Suggested Track: "Build Me Up Buttercup," covered by Frank Turner, to the end of the chapter.)

Goku, Gojyo, Hakkai, and Sanzo were teaching the twins Mah Jong together, with Hakkai and Sanzo teaming up behind Yohei and Gojyo and Goku teaching Eiji. Across the table, Sanzo would let his fingers itch out towards Gojyo's, hoping Gojyo would sense or feel him reaching out, somehow or another. He felt the slightest hint of relief when he felt Gojyo return the touch over the tiles, and the two met eyes. Sanzo smiled softly, and dragged his finger over the back of Gojyo's hand, and withdrew. It was enough of an exchange for the two to know that the other had something to say.

They united at the door to see Goku off, and Hakkai excused himself to go off to bed. (After all, he wasn't blind.) Sanzo hung behind Gojyo's elbow as the basement door shut, and the two faced one another straight on. The distance remained, a meter between them, Gojyo with his back to the door, Sanzo facing the window. Sanzo started to speak, then clapped his mouth shut and pulled out a cigarette. Gojyo had opened his mouth, but instead waited for Sanzo to take the first drag. The smoke plumed in crisp curls, Sanzo's gaze was on everything but Gojyo, and Gojyo felt the tension knotting in his gut.

"Uh- Kou." Gojyo resisted the temptation to fold his hands over his front and held the inside of his elbow behind his back. "I, uh, I wanted to check how you were. If you're- if we're still okay."

"Fine." Sanzo shrugged, the folds on his robe shifting back and swaying with the motion. Gojyo could see the sutra's weight in the sleeve, where it always sat when he came to the house even though he no longer had to worry about the boys teething on it. "I don't like... this..." He gestured up and down with his hand. "But if you're happier, then I can't complain."

I'm not happier. I miss you. I miss us.

"If anything, I should ask how you're doing." Sanzo did look him straight on at this, scrutinizing him between eyes and chin. "Have you been sleeping better?"

No. Never. Not even a little.

"I... I guess." Gojyo shrugged as well, and wrapped his arms around one another across his chest. He was starting to feel cold, not just from the chill through the glass but something frigid under his ribcage. "I, uh, I guess I wanted to ask if you'd-"

"If that's so, then I wanted to know if you'd-" Gojyo hadn't realized Sanzo was speaking until both of them stopped, and both added, "You first."

Sanzo waited, as Gojyo's jaw moved, then hung slack. He wished he could have a cigarette, but could only clench his fists where they were tucked into his elbows.

What the fuck am I doing?

"I just want..."

Akio will kill the boys. He'll start with them, or Hakkai, maybe even Ichi. He'll save me and Sanzo for last, but who knows what he's going to go for next? I don't know how his crazy ass works. Fucking hell, why would I ask for trouble like this? How fucking selfish am I? This isn't a fucking game!

"I want you to know I still love you." Gojyo closed the distance, and clasped one of Sanzo's hands. "I love you so, so much, Kouryuu, I don't want you to forget it."

"I haven't." Sanzo's gaze fell to his feet. "You say so every night when you send me away."

"I need you to know I mean it, more than anything in the goddamned world." He pressed his thumb into Sanzo's palm, and Sanzo's eyes tilted up, lidded, to meet his incarnadine gaze. It felt oddly intimate, but it may have just been Gojyo's crazy imagination or wild libido desperately begging him to pull him closer and get more of Sanzo's body against his. "Never forget that. I will never not love you."

"Your grammar is terrible." Sanzo dropped his hand, and his head fell as well. "Gojyo..." He took a shuddering breath. "D... D..."

Gojyo rose his eyebrow. He'd never seen Sanzo quite this close to falling apart, and the quaver in his voice was, coming from him, scary.

"Kou? You okay?"

"D..." Sanzo balled both fists and exhaled quickly, then looked back up. "D-Don't... think I'm any different."

"Never will, babe." Gojyo smiled gently, and stepped back. Sanzo winced, and though Gojyo wondered at it, he didn't ask, too busy with the storm in his own mind.

If you let him back in, he has to know about the baby. I can't tell him. Fuck, I can't. Gojyo's hands shifted to his front and laced there, but he quickly lifted them up behind his head to look like he was stretching. I guess Hakkai's going to get the family he wants.

"It's past curfew now. I'm sleeping on your couch." Sanzo pivoted on his heel, brooking no disagreement as he marched back up the steps to the flat. Gojyo winced, and followed.

Well, fuck, might as well bring him to bed now. Too late. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I knew that, though. Sorry, baby girl, you got stuck with this idiot.

Neither Gojyo nor Sanzo slept, separated by a flight of stairs and wishing they could broach the distance. Gojyo curled up in his bed, knees to his chest, shivering as the cold closed in, and Sanzo, staring at the ceiling. Each wondered how they could have let it fall apart.

Such a fucking idiot. Stupid. Loser. Liar. Piece of shit. I deserve to have her ripped away from me. I don't deserve Sanzo's baby. Never have. Never will. What the hell can I even do now?

One word. One silly, sentimental word, and I'm incapable of saying it to him. He's starting to look like a corpse with that awful fake smile. Darling. Dear. I could make him smile, why am I so chickenshit? What would one word change?

And both had the same answer: Nothing.

At his desk, in morning light, Gojyo found himself alone. When he woke to the sun and descended to the den, Sanzo was gone. He felt something rise in his throat, not the prior night's dinner, but something just as unpleasant. He brushed it off and crumpled the note left on the coffee table without reading it.

That sensation of something welling up in his throat stuck with him through the day, but he didn't figure out the trouble until the mid-afternoon. He had begun to trim the chrysanthemums for Sanzo's weekly arrangement, when he heard something splatter onto the paper lining. He paused and looked, and saw more fat, wet drops stain little oblong spots onto the paper. It was about then he realized he was crying.

"Fuck." He set the flowers in a vase at the end of his table to wipe his eyes dry. He didn't understand- he wasn't feeling sad, nothing was bothering him at the moment- except everything that was. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." He took a breath, but it shuddered in, and he recognized what this was- "Fucking hormones."

"Gojyo?" Hakkai bounded from his desk and peered in, as the knot in Gojyo's throat balled tighter and exploded out in a sharp sob.

"Go 'way." He sniffed and smeared the tears away from his eyes. "Hormones. Mood swing. Can't make it stop."

"Please, let it out." Hakkai descended on him and planted his hands on his shoulders. "There must be something inside you causing this. Let it out, I'm here to listen."

"No. I don't wanna. I can make it go away." Gojyo took another stuttered, staccato breath, and exhaled it quickly. The shop's bell chimed, as Hakkai wrapped an arm around him in a hug.

"You can talk to me anytime. I know this is hard without him at your side, but I'm here."

"Go away," Gojyo repeated, and sniffled again. "Just go, go help. I heard a customer." He sobbed again, and Hakkai released him with an anxious sigh. Gojyo continued trying to suppress the hormone rush and the tears, and he heard Hakkai's voice take a sharper tone.

"Young man, what are you doing in the flower case?" Gojyo got up, drying his eyes for the last time as curiosity won out over his baby-inflicted angst. He leaned into the shop just as Hakkai slammed the glass case door shut and shooed a youkai boy out of it. He spotted a small, empty vial slipping out of the boy's hands and by his foot, and as Hakkai ushered the boy out of the shop, he kicked the vial against the wall and shattered it. Gojyo rushed for the glass on the floor, but heard a horror-filled gasp from Hakkai as he re-entered the shop. "Oh, gods-"

Gojyo's head snapped up, and he could see- he could actually observe- every single flower in the case turning brown and wilting, petals drying and withering and falling off.

"That son of a bitch," he whispered, and pulled his fist in around the shards of glass in his hand. "He... why do I keep letting this happen?" Hakkai's hand landed on his shoulder.

"We'll be alright. We'll go meatless for a week. We'll be okay." Hakkai squeezed, then knelt at Gojyo's side and rested his forehead on his shoulder. "But I think it's time you started to send Sanzo home a little earlier, just in case."

"Y-yeah." Gojyo felt the hormones creep back, but swallowed them. They still balled at the back of his throat, ready to explode, but he kept them there. Later. "Draw another line in the fucking sand."

I can't blame Akio when I could and should prevent this. As long as I can keep that tiny hold on him, as much as I want him, I might be able to build back up from this in a few months. Gojyo's insides squirmed, as the conflict between his wants and needs snowballed to an ache in his chest, but he forced himself to his feet. "I'll clean this up."

Keep moving forward. Keep going. Take it as it comes. That's all I can do. But gods, how do I keep digging myself in deeper?

End Notes: Yes, I do prefer the Turner cover of "Build Me Up, Buttercup" to the original for this scene, if not overall. I don't know what it is about the sad, slow version that gets me. Call me tasteless, but oh well.

I read someone, somewhere, write that "Clear communication prevents three chapters of angst." If only it were that easy! I still wanna hug Gojyo. Anyone else? Any thoughts? Feel free to share! Next time, more flowers. Until then!