chapter thirty-one

Harry was back in Nikki's bedroom a few hours later, attempting to quietly put clothes in the appropriate draws without waking her. It certainly caused the whole process to take a lot longer than it should have done, not to mention the fact that Harry often had to open more than one draw in order to find the correct one with the right types of clothing in it. He really hoped she'd be able to find things and not be too frustrated if he'd put anything away in the wrong place.

He was near the end of the pile of clothing, finally getting the hang of which items went where, when he heard Nikki mumble in her sleep. He turned around, watching her from his position across the room as she began to squirm under the covers. He was mesmerized by her, as he so often was. She didn't have to be doing anything special, just sitting, or sleeping, and he could easily get lost in thoughts staring at her. Especially when she was asleep, and he therefore wasn't at risk of being caught staring by either her or Leo the way he was when it happened at work.

It took a while, but he was finally pulled from his mind wanderings by Nikki herself. She wasn't simply squirming anymore, rather she seemed to be struggling with her covers; the mumbling soon also changed, and became moaning and whimpering instead. Harry dropped the last item of clothing into whichever draw was open, not even bothering to close it properly before rushing to her side.

Her face was screwed up in pain or fear, Harry wasn't sure which, but found he couldn't watch her like that for long. He tried gently at first, but she didn't wake straight away and Harry found himself shaking her shoulders a little more vigorously, desperately trying to wake her.

Her eyes flew open in an instant, and Harry luckily pulled away, narrowly missing a collision of heads as Nikki sat upright so fast he almost didn't see it coming. Her eyes darted around for a moment, obviously unsure, until she seemed to realise where she was, and found his own brown eyes staring at her intently.

It was a while before she said anything. She looked around the room a few times, appearing quite unsure of herself and her surroundings. Harry gave her a moment, hoping it was just that she was taking a while to come around from her dream.

"Have you tidied up in here?" Nikki eventually asked, curiosity and confusion both present in her tone when she finally spoke. Harry sort of shrugged in response, unsure of what to say.

Nikki's shoulders crumpled; she let her head drop into open hands, shaking it slightly as she did so. Harry could see her shoulders tremble, her breathing uneven. He was confused. Maybe it was due to the presence of the Y-chromosome, but he had thought that she'd be pleased. The last thing he had expected was for his actions to drive her to tears. He hesitated, totally confounded, wondering how he could possibly have been so wrong. It was strange how sometimes he could read her like an open book spread out in front of him and other times she was a complete mystery to him.

"Should I have left it?" He questioned. Uneasy about the response he might receive, he continued. "I thought it would help. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I figured it would save you doing it. The kitchen was such a mess, I just figured it would be easier for you if I sorted it out. Maybe I got carried away." Nikki shook her head, still not finding the words she needed to stop Harry's rambling. When she finally did find her voice, Harry found himself more concerned, and still slightly confused by her explanation.

"I should have done it, I just haven't managed to recently. You shouldn't have needed to do anything." She sounded so defeated that Harry's concern for her grew again, and he couldn't help a stray thought that wondered if there was ever a limit. Surely at some point it wouldn't be possible to get even more worried about her.

"It wasn't a problem, really." His insistence only received a sigh in reply. "There's nothing wrong with accepting a bit of help on occasion, Niks."

She continued to shake her head gently, obviously unable to accept that she'd reached the stage that she was going to have to accept some help. After a few moments she began to speak, trying to explain how her place had ended up in such a state.

"I'm so exhausted when I get home, I just can't find the energy for anything. If I manage to find the energy to eat, I don't have the energy to clear up. Sometimes I don't even manage to get undressed; I sit down on the bed for a rest and wake up fully clothed the next morning, wondering where the time went. I just feel so completely drained all of the time." Harry stared at her for a minute, allowing the words to seep through him, before finally speaking, his voice noticeably broken.

"I'm sorry." The sorrow and regret that filled his voice left Nikki unsure as to why he was sorry.

"What for?" She questioned, the confusion apparent across her face.

"For not realising how much you were struggling." Nikki sighed at that, dropping her head, allowing her gaze to drop with it, and resisting the urge to meet Harry's eyes whilst she uttered her next few words.

"I didn't want you to know." Harry just stared at her after that comment. Eventually Nikki raised her head to meet his eyes, which were still filled with sorrow. He really wished she wasn't so bloody stubborn all the time, so insistent that she could handle anything and everything all alone. He wished she'd just let them help her.

Nikki covered her mouth as a cough escaped, and Harry couldn't help but notice how dry her throat sounded.

"You should have something to drink, I'll get you some water. Do you want anything to eat?" Nikki shook her head in response. "Are you sure? It must have been a while since you've eaten anything." Harry hoped he asked discretely enough that she didn't see his concern about her weight. The last thing he wanted right now was to get into an argument, and he had a feeling she wasn't likely to react well if he questioned her eating habits.

"I'm not hungry, really." At the look on Harry's face, Nikki sighed, and found herself opening up more than she had planned to. "I feel sick Harry, I can't eat anything right now." Harry frowned at that response.

"I thought you had medication to stop the nausea?"

"I did, it's not really working anymore."

"What about the painkillers you were taking? Are they still working?" Nikki shrugged a little at that.

"Sometimes they take the edge off." Harry sighed.

"Why didn't you say that the medications weren't working properly? You should go back to your doctor, see if he can give you something else."

Nikki didn't respond to that. What was she supposed to say? That she'd pretty much given up? That she honestly wasn't sure she could sit in another waiting room for a doctor's appointment without breaking down, or breaking something? That after work, which was the only thing that had really kept her going, she couldn't motivate herself to do anything else? How could she put all of that into words? And how could she possibly tell Harry that she felt like giving up, how could she do that to him? She remained silent, hoping that the issue would somehow pass by and they could move on to another topic.

It seemed Harry didn't know what to say given her silence. He couldn't bring himself to push right now, not when she still looked so exhausted. He didn't want to cause her any more stress. But he planned to return to the subject. He'd make the appointment and drag her to the doctor if that was what it took to help her.

"I'll go get that water for you." He eventually spoke, turning to leave the room without saying any more.

When he came back a moment later, handing the water to Nikki and watching as she took a few small sips, he noticed her eyelids growing heavy.

"Thanks." She said, handing the glass back to Harry, who put it down on the bedside table for her. "I didn't realise how thirsty I-" A yawn interrupted her words. "was." She sighed. "I can't believe I'm still tired."

"You should rest." She didn't take much convincing on that matter, simply nodding slightly as she lay back down. Harry stayed beside the bed watching her for a moment, as her eyes slid shut. It was just as he turned to leave that he felt a hand grab his own, clenching it tightly. He looked back at Nikki, surprised to see fear in her eyes, which had locked onto his intently. "I'm not going far." That was obviously enough to comfort her, as she closed her eyes again, removing her hand from his.

Harry's frustration and worry steadily developed through the afternoon as he ran out of things to do around Nikki's apartment, and rapidly found himself restless. By the time Leo arrived he was about ready to burst.

Leo had barely closed the door behind himself before Harry started speaking; the anger and frustration evident in his tone. His body language screaming out at Leo, and yet somehow he kept his voice from becoming too loud, not wanting to disturb Nikki.

"She's so thin, Leo. She obviously hasn't been eating properly. She hasn't been coping at all. How did we not notice this?" Harry slammed a fist against the wall beside him. "Damn it, Leo. We're supposed to take care of her." Harry's voice rose angrily, but Leo didn't find himself getting angry back, just upset. He hated this, it felt as if they were all falling apart.

Leo remained silent as Harry's anger gained momentum. He blamed himself. He had known that Nikki wasn't really coping, he should have realised just how much she was struggling, and how much Harry was failing to notice himself. It wasn't meant to be like this, they were supposed to look after each other; not let each other fall apart. He let Harry's angry words wash over him, partly feeling that he deserved some kind of punishment for not having a better hold on the situation. He had seen it coming, and yet allowed himself to believe it was a long way off, and so hadn't faced up to it or done anything to prevent it.

And here they were, all broken and torn, Nikki no longer the only one falling apart as seams ripped open, split it pieces, and everything spilled out across the floor.

"I should have done something." Leo muttered his words under his breath, but Harry heard them in a gap in his ranting, and paused, turning to face Leo. "I should have stopped her working, I should have kept a closer eye on her, I should have known this would happen." He continued to shake his head, his tone giving away the fact that he was quite content to place all of the blame on himself. "I should have done something." He repeated, having to swallow back a sob that was eager to escape.

"Don't blame yourselves, I didn't want you to know." Nikki's voice interrupted their moment. They both turned to find her standing at her bedroom door. Harry couldn't help but wonder how she did that, how she knew they were talking about her and that it would be a good time to cut in. She continued before either had a chance to say something. "I wanted you to think I could cope, because then I could believe I was coping." She looked up from the floor, catching eyes with both of them for a moment. "But I'm not."

They all stood frozen after those words. Leo and Harry knew how hard it must have been for Nikki to admit that, but both found themselves unable to respond. What could any of them say right now? This wasn't something they could fix, not with words or actions. And if there wasn't anything anyone could do, how were they supposed to deal with that?

...

A/N…thank you everyone that left such lovely reviews after the last chapter…sorry for the delay on this one, it's been pretty much finished for ages, it just had a coupla linking bits that it's taken me a while to do, and it's been a busy week. Anyway, the next few chapters are already finished, so I'll try to get a couple of them up this week even though I've got an even busier week planned! Feel free to leave me a lil review…it'll remind me to upload more!