Brittany.
It's been a week since Santana's grandma found out about her cancer. It's been three days since I've seen Santana. It's been three days since she sent me back to Sandusky. The drive back was lonely and my heart ached for Santana. I tried to stay with her and I begged her to let me but she told me to go. She said she couldn't leave her Abuela but that I needed to return to normal life and get back to work before Jesse got angry with us both. I wasn't sure if Santana planned to come back at all but I knew she wasn't going to be back for at least a while.
So here I was lying in my bed feeling lonely and empty without her. I wondered what she was doing right now, where she was and if she was okay. I clutched Rex in my arms because he smelled like her and he was the little piece of our love that would never go away. Before I left Lima she had handed the stuffed lizard to me with tears in her eyes.
'I don't know when I'll be back but I want you to take Rex. This way you'll always have a piece of me there with you.' She had told me. My heart fluttered at her words and I grabbed Lady Rainbow from my bag handing her over to Santana. She had the most adorable smile after she hugged my stuffed unicorn.
Rehearsal was torturous without Santana. All I could do was think about how much better our routine would be is Santana were singing and dancing along with us. I couldn't keep my head in the choreography and I was off my game. Jesse even took me aside one day and asked me what was going on. I shrugged it off as being tired and distracted before he told me to get back in game mode because I was his star dancer.
Quinn and Rachel were calling and texting me nonstop asking how I was doing and even asking about Santana. It was nice of them and all but I didn't need a constant reminder of the fact that I was miserable and missed Santana more than words could explain. As I thought about Santana and what she was going through, I began to hate myself for leaving but I knew I had no other choice. If it were my Grandma I'd do the same thing, I'd be by her side supporting her and trying to help her in any way I could. But it wasn't my Grandma and I couldn't just skip out on my life to help Santana, as much as I wanted to.
"Why can't life be as simple as my brain is? In Happyville, cancer doesn't even exist." I spoke to the stuffed lizard sitting on my chest. As if answering my question, I heard my phone vibrate on the nightstand.
"Hellooo." I breathed out.
"Hi baby. How are you?" Santana said on the other end.
"I'm okay. How are you doing? How's abuela?" I lied. I didn't want her to know how miserable I was because she needed my support in any way that I could give it to her and worrying about me is the last thing she needed to be doing.
"I'm okay. I miss you. Abuela is doing okay so far. They're doing surgery this week. She's so strong, she won't admit that she's scared through any of this but I mean who wouldn't be? Basically, all she's worried about is everyone else and the way they're handling things. Mama is a mess, Papi is closed off because he doesn't know how to handle the emotional stress. Abuela keeps yelling at me to get back to Sandusky and back to my life but I won't leave her. I can't. Not when something like this is happening. She needs her family and my parents both work so much, they don't have the time." She explained. Her voice sounded tired and weak. I pictured her sitting alone with tired eyes and a worn expression on her face. All I wanted was to be there holding her in my arms but instead I'm clutching a stuffed Lizard like my life depends on it.
"I miss you too, so much. She is so strong. She really cares for you and it shows. She loves you so much, anyone could see it just from the way she looks at you. I'm really proud of you Santana, you're taking care of your family even though I know you're going through hell with this whole thing. You're pushing your own pain aside to take on theirs but sometimes you have to worry about yourself to, don't forget that." I told her.
"I know. Thank you Britt. For everything. You're so amazing and I don't think I would have made it this far without you being there for me. I wish you were here but I couldn't let both of us lose track of our lives over this catastrophe. I'm scared about the surgery. I'm terrified. What if something goes wrong?" Santana said and I could hear the fear in her voice as her words trembled.
"Baby, I know you're scared but you can't think about the what if's. There are too many what if's they'll drive you crazy. You have to stay positive and hope for the best. Abuela wouldn't want you going crazy with worry..." I told her trying to console her.
"You're right. You always know the best things to say to calm me down." She said with a gentle hum behind her voice.
"I try... So if all goes well with the surgery what's the next step?" I ask. She takes a deep breath letting it out and I hear the ruffling of something against the phone. I wonder if she's in bed trying to get comfortable like I've been for the past hour.
"Well, she'll have to be on a feeding tube for at least a week and then she'll go on a liquid diet for awhile. They'll do some tests and then probably chemo therapy. Unfortunately, they're saying Abuela is in stage III which isn't a good sign. The cancer has spread to some lymph nodes around the tumor and they're hoping for the best with chemo and radiation after surgery. I'm so scared Brittany. She's so young. She's only 65. I mean I can't lose her now. I just can't." I can hear the emotion building up with every word and I know she's about to breakdown. She's cried on the phone to me every night since I left. It breaks my heart and I can't stand the fact that I'm not there to hold her and run my fingers through her hair and kiss her tears away.
"I know baby. It's scary. I can't even imagine what you're going through but just know that you're not alone and just cherish the times you spent with her and cherish every moment you get from this point on... because that's all we can really control in this situation." I explained. I knew nothing I said would really make her feel better. I was better at being supportive through touch than words.
"I kn-kn-know bu bu but it's not fairr rr" She said through sobs. My heart was breaking for her and I couldn't stand to be so far away. I thought about getting in my car and driving to her, literally about a thousand times since I'd been away for three days. I knew she wanted me there but I also knew she wanted me to carry on with my life and that she needed this time with her family.
"I know honey, it really isn't fair." I told her not knowing any thing else to say.
"Will you stay on the phone until I fall asleep?" Santana whispered through her sniffles. I smiled because she was so adorable.
"Of course. Are you in bed now?" I replied.
"Mhmm. Lady Rainbow is keeping me company." She whispered. Her voice was finally letting on how exhausted she really was.
My heart did leaps as I pictured Santana lying there with my unicorn while I snuggled her lizard.
"Good, Rex has been a good sub for you but nothing compares to your cuddlyness." I told her. I snuggled into my bed more and rested my phone on my pillow putting it on speaker.
"He better not. I'm the best cuddler." Santana said fading out towards the end of her sentence.
"You are. You sound so tired, try to go to sleep babe you need your rest. It's been a rough week." I told her. She hummed into the phone and it made me miss her even more if that was possible.
"I love you." She whispered and it was the last thing I heard before we drifted to sleep together but yet so far apart.
I woke up the next morning with my face against my phone and it was still connected to the call with Santana. I listened for any sign of noise on the other end but was only returned with silence. I didn't know whether I should hang up or just stay connected waiting for her to wake up. I decided I'd hang up and text her so she'd be able to read it when she was awake.
To My Unicorn: Good morning baby. I hope you slept well. I love you. Text me when you wake up. xoxo -B
I reluctantly pulled myself out of bed to get ready for the day. I had rehearsal in a few hours and was in dyer need of groceries along with needing to run a few errands. My mind was still flustered with thoughts of Santana and how heartbroken she was two hours away from me. When I got out of the shower I checked my phone and there was a message from Quinn.
From Lucy Q: How are you Britt Bee? We miss you. -Q and R
To Lucy Q: I'm okay. I miss you too. How are you two doing? -B
From Lucy Q: We're doing great. Finn finally stopped calling Rachel as of yesterday. It only took a week LOL. This whole secret relationship thing is easier than I thought. How is Santana doing? -Q
To Lucy Q: She's staying strong but it's really hard on her which hurts me too because I hate to see her sad. Also being away from her during such a rough time is really hard. I need some leprechaun magic right now. If I could wish away this whole thing I'd be so happy. -B
From Lucy Q: Wouldn't we all be so happy if we could wish anything away? You know we're here if you need to talk B. I was thinking about asking Santana to hang out while she's in town. I know she's busy helping her grandma but she needs a distraction every once in awhile. -Q
From Lucy Q: Rachel says she saw Santana yesterday at the grocery store. She looked like a zombie as she shopped and didn't even insult Rachel when she said hello. -Q
To Lucy Q: That would be really nice of you to see San. I can't believe she didn't insult Rachel, that's a first. She is really distracted by this whole thing and I know she hasn't been sleeping well. She cries to me every night. -B
From Lucy Q: I think I'll call her today. Can you give me her number? -Q
I sent Quinn the number to get a hold of Santana and headed out to do errands. After I finished with my list of things to do, I went straight to rehearsal. It was long and dragged on for awhile. Santana had texted me a few times while I was doing errands and I really just wanted to leave and go straight to Lima but I couldn't afford to lose this job if I planned to go to New York in the fall.
After a long day and an exhausting performance I found myself back in bed clutching the Lizard who had now become my newest best friend. My phone rang at the usual time and I knew exactly who it was.
"Hi Baby." I breathed into the phone. I heard Santana on the other end sniffling and taking deep breaths. I knew she was crying and could hear the sobs vibrating through the phone. I didn't know what to say. It's so hard to comfort someone through a phone.
"Th th they found anoth th ther tumor." She cried into the phone. My heart sank at the news and dread filled every part of me.
"Oh honey I'm so sorry." I said. She cried into the phone for awhile until she started hyperventilating and I tried consoling her with kind words and I love you's. After about a half hour she calmed down and her breathing went back to normal.
"They gave her six months. Six months. How can you put a time limit on someones life like that? She didn't even look scared. She just sat there with that face she always gets when she gets bad news. Like oh that's too bad. She treated it like someone had just told her that she was fired or something. No big deal. What the fuck?" There was a deep angry tone in her voice and arasp behind it from the amount of crying she'd been doing recently.
"She's trying to be strong but you know her better than that San. I'm sure she's just as scared as you are." I told her.
"She asked me about you today." She said changing the subject. My heart fluttered at this because I really wanted her Abuela to like me.
"She wanted to know how you were doing and why I hadn't came back to Sandusky. She asked if it was hard being away from you. I think she knows we're more than friends. She gives me these little hints. She brings you up all the time. She says you seem like such a nice girl and that you're very beautiful and have a really bright personality." She explained and I couldn't help but smile.
"She's a very smart woman, I wouldn't be surprised if she knew. You said she could read you easily and it's hard to not see the way we look at each other and our body language is a dead give away." I replied.
"I can't help it I'm madly in love with you. Have you seen yourself lately? You're gorgeous. Not to mention, super funny and amazing in pretty much every other way." Santana said and I heard a smile creep behind her voice.
"I love you too. You're the sexy, funny amazing one babe." I told her. She chuckled half heartedly.
"If you'd see me lately you wouldn't be thinking that." She replied.
"Speaking of which, Rachel said she saw you at the supermarket." I told her. She sighed into the phone.
"Yeah, it was awkward. Also Quinn called me today. She wants to go to lunch tomorrow while I wait for my Grandma to be done talking to the Doctor about surgery stuff." Santana said.
"That will be nice. You need to get away for a bit and try to relax. I know it's hard but you can't let go of yourself completely." I told her.
"Britt... what am I gonna do? I can't fucking handle this. It's like every second I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I can't stand the thought of my Abuela going through all of this. She doesn't deserve this. The woman is a god damn saint. She's never hurt anyone in her whole fucking life and all she's done is been a ray of sunshine to anyone who came across her. It's not fucking fair. It's not fa fair." She said as she started to cry once again.
"I know honey. It's hard. I can't imagine what you're going through. I don't know what to tell you besides the fact that I'll always be here for you and I'll never let you go through anything alone." I told her trying to be helpful but really nothing would help at this point. She losing the most important person in her life and I can't even imagine what that feels like. I got a taste of it when the accident happened with my Dad but it was gone as quickly as it began and I can't imagine going through those feelings on a day to day basis for a long period of time.
"I'm coming back to get my things from my apartment. I told Jesse I wouldn't be back with Luminosity. I need to stay here. I can't miss out on the time I could be spending with her and I need to be there for my family." She told me and my heart sank. I somewhat knew this would happen but I dreaded the day she confirmed my fears.
"I understand. When are you coming back?" I asked.
"This weekend." She breathed into the phone. Only four days until I got to see Santana.
"I miss you so much." I breathed out. She hummed in agreement.
"I miss you too baby." She said.
After Santana and I hung up the phone I laid in bed cuddling with Rex, my eyes wide open staring at the ceiling in the dark. Santana had reminded me it would be only one more month until I was back in Lima. One month seemed like a lifetime when I knew I wouldn't be seeing Santana everyday. I just wanted to leave early and reunite with her in Lima. I wondered what this all meant for her moving to New York and had been thinking about that a lot. Would she stay in Lima or still move forward with her plans? Could I move to New York still now that my whole world revolves around her? I know it sounds pathetic and most people complain about people who revolve their lives around their boyfriend or girlfriend but I couldn't help it. That's just the way my heart worked with Santana. If I didn't have her than not much else mattered in life to me.
I tossed and turned all night and when my alarm went off the next morning I found myself groaning in response. I had no desire to get out of bed since returning to Sandusky. Life was getting harder and harder each day I spent without Santana.
Thanks so much for the reviews. This chapters mostly filler but it's building up to the next few. I hope you like the new feeling behind this story because I know I went from fluff to intense pretty quickly but it's a major point in the storyline. The next few chapters will probably be in santana's point of view. She's basically a hot mess and will be for awhile. How do you think Britt will handle this whole thing? How long before she can't take the distance anymore? What if San doesn't go to New York do you think Britt will go without her?
cant wait to see your reviews. love you all.