It was Monday, August 3, 1953 and raining all across the country. Ever since Hawkeye and I woke up, packed up, had breakfast with Lorraine and the children, visited Henry's final resting place and were driven to the airport (giving Lorraine and the children a very tearful farewell, promising to come see her soon), it was pouring. While we noticed that Mom had not appeared (which made me anxious still), it didn't dampen our tired spirits as we boarded the last plane, figuratively speaking. Hawkeye still wanted to strangle her with his bare hands, but when I replied that she would enjoy it too much (well, she would), he stopped talking about it and how he was still going to be eating a plain old banana and chocolate cake when he got back to Crabapple Cove.
As the plane finally took off, I laughed nervously seeing Illinois behind me, and realized that Hawkeye was playing play hide-and-seek upon leaving the state of my childhood. He hid his feelings, but then threw them out in the open through other ways, showing me that he was still normal and crazy and perhaps still wishing that he wasn't in the war.
And it still felt like to many people around us as if we weren't in the war and just went on some long vacation. However, three years seemed too long to be a holiday break to us. It was three years of our lives spent on a country we had no business in and another war that cost more lives.
The final plane ride was full of suspense it seemed, with too much time for our minds and some peace in our hearts. The rain was still washing away everything as if it could erase away Korea and help us begin anew. I could hardly wait to see my daughter again and initiate a new life. At the same time, I was also worried about a million other things. Questions flooded into my brain, thousands of thoughts that never really bothered me when we were in Korea because of how unreal being home seemed. I mean, I was worried that my daughter would not recognize me and would be unhappy despite Sidney telling me otherwise. Even so, would my new father-in-law like me, especially in light of marrying Hawkeye after Shannon was born? What should I call him, especially if my own father decided to drop in? Would I like him? Would he mind me and Hawkeye being married and not having met me until I came to Crabapple Cove, after the war ended? Did he secretly resent taking in his granddaughter?
All of Daniel Pierce's letters said nothing about that at all. When he wrote to me, he would send me pictures and many paragraphs of Shannon and tell me what she was doing and how he could not wait to see me (out of politeness or pure sincerity, I could not tell). Once, he wrote to me about her favorite activities. She loves the beach at noontime, he recounted, and would run into the water when the waves came in and laughed, coming back to him sunburned and choking on seawater. She talks and talks and talks and likes nothing more than to be held and loved. Her favorite time was close to bedtime, when the sun went down and the sky went black and came freckled with stars. Then, Daniel would let her run out into the backyard, to let out her energy one last time, where she would try to catch tiny fireflies before collapsing near the back porch, smiling as she slept.
I heard of things like that, things that I was missing in my daughter's life. I was supposed to know all of these things. I was supposed to have seen her walk, holding onto her chuddy hands as she did. I was supposed to have been there to hear her say her first words, talking to her the same way. I was supposed to have read to her at night, or let her run free or tucked her into bed at night…or a million other things. It was the consequences of war, the direct result of my and Hawkeye's indiscretions. I was no motherly person by any stretch of the imagination. However, just watching the war go by me, observing its people and handling its children directly, I saw what it did to me. It changed me, made me a better person…made me a better mother for when I was ready for it.
The war changed me. It changed Hawkeye. We went in as two separate people and came out as one entity. And one entity created another person, one that would perhaps make another entity someday.
Sitting by my aisle seat thinking, I took Hawkeye's hand as it was announced that we were five minutes away from landing in Portland. "Are you ready for this?" I asked him, knowing what his answer was going to be…almost.
Hawkeye turned to face me. "I should be asking you that question."
"You know that I am."
"Jeanie, you never considered the consequences of your actions. Henry was right. Sometimes, you are without shame. Sometimes, you don't think."
"My mother said that before Henry, Hawkeye, and that was a long time ago. I've put her behind me. I'm only a little worried. It's just that…you know, it's supposed to be the greatest day of our lives. We're home. We're going home. And while home is where the heart is, and my heart is with you, I don't know – I mean, I don't think –"
"Dad will love you. Trust me. He will." Smiling, Hawkeye turned back to his window, still holding onto my hand, tightening his grip a little.
Ok, so Hawkeye knew about those things that plagued me. Some things I was pretty sure he did not, so I needed to keep talking, to try to stop myself from going insane. "Hawkeye, it's also, well…you know, you miss everybody back there. I do too. We'll see them again. You know that. I just wonder if you'll be ok with it and with being out of Korea."
He turned to me again, his face for a moment looking the night he had seen the mother kill her child back on the bus. Then, sighing deeply, he answered, "I don't know. Will you?"
Shrugging my shoulders, I admitted little. "Probably. Time will tell. I don't know."
Settling down, Hawkeye stopped his lip from quivering. "Maybe it'll be the same for me too."
There was quiet between us, the same kind of silence there was when we flew over Korea and left the 4077th behind us. It was as if the finale of our actions were tied down, put to one side and even forgotten, but always remembered in spirit. The curtain had finally been drawn down.
As I thought more and more about Korea (and it being almost a week since I had been there), the more my mind went through the memories and popped them right back at me. In my mind, instead of indexing and storing them away, images went through my eyes without me seeing them, taking me back suddenly into another world without meaning to and without warning. It was as if I was back in Korea once more, experiencing it again and again as the war raged on against us.
Machine fire and explosions…weren't they all the same? "We have to save this one!" they all said, one man after another coming in. The windows' glass shattering, the power went out, oh, Jesus, the enemy was outside our doors again. Where were Dean and his unit? Where were the men that were supposed to guard us? Are they dead? Dear God, help us…
I jolted, "waking up" from my mind's pictures and pushing it all away. Sidney and I knew that people in war (or any other traumatic experience, we theorized) would sometimes relive the past, the parts that was the most dangerous and the most frightening even. Korea was dangerous and without a doubt frightening, more so than West Germany. Many people I loved died in there. I was fine for the most part, worrying about surviving on my own mostly, without going as crazy as Hawkeye did (debatable, I know). However, to have sudden, deep memories of the OR was strange and even disconcerting. It hit too close to my heart.
It also reminded me of the days when we thought we would be dead and not going home. It was one of many times when the enemy had run through the front lines, just after Charles had been transferred to the unit, and we were stuck and had nowhere to go. Dean was outside with his men without Colonel Coner in sight. It was before he died, before he was found and told me about the stars…
A brave man once requested me…
It was also startling for me to break into memories of Dean. I could not have them now, no, I could not…I was going home and beginning a new life.
~00~
Half an hour later, Hawkeye and I finally walked into the airport in Portland, our luggage in our hands. We both were lost, confused even. It was all so bizarre and outlandish too, being in the civilian world when we looked and felt like we were still in the Army. We were in uniform and covered in dirt from a thousand towns (I could not take mine off yet and neither could Hawkeye). The looks from the local people were sympathetic and even a little inquiring, but we answered none of those stares and silent questions pointed at us. We were more intent on going home and being left in peace.
We could not find Hawkeye's Dad either. He said that he would meet up with us at the airport and pick us up. This was confirmed when Hawkeye talked to him on the phone in Bloomington when we had to switch flights for another day. His Dad accepted the decision to take in Bloomington an extra day and made no mention about bringing Shannon, but that he'd be at the airport to see us.
Hawkeye pointed out a bench in the room next to where we got our luggage. "Why don't we sit and wait for Jeeves?" he asked jokingly.
I nodded, only blindly following him to a cold, metal bench, thinking of the world we left behind ("Scalpel, Jeanie," he said, as calm as could be). We both then dropped our heavy bags on the ground. We were utterly tired from the experiences, only watching people go by. They were oblivious to what we've been through and what we had seen.
"Do you think we missed him?" I finally inquired as the minutes ticked slowly, getting more nervous as time passed into an hour.
"I think I missed myself," Hawkeye replied, smiling as he did.
"Where did you find yourself?" If he was playing a game, then I had to play along. I knew better.
"No, no, I missed myself. Where did you find me, if ever?" Laughing nervously, Hawkeye looked around and scanned the crowds, searching for somebody and yet finding nothing.
"Love…" I started to scoot over to lean on Hawkeye, but was still when he saw something behind a group of people, more soldiers…boys, now men perhaps…
"Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. And rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is, doctors can't change rule number one."
Putting his hand over his eyes as if the Korean sun was bothering him (it was raining in Maine and we were not in Korea anymore), Hawkeye looked around again and then smiled broadly when he stopped at a certain spot. He stood up like lightning and ran with wild excitement and abandon, waving his arms and yelling, "Dad! Dad, over here! We're over here!"
I stood up too, running after Hawkeye, our bags safe and left behind, just like our lives in Korea. "Jesus Christ, Hawkeye, slow down!" I yelled after him, sprinting as fast as I could. I guessed that being tired had its disadvantages after all. I used to be able to run pretty fast back in Korea…
I could not tell what happened next, everything went into a blur. Voices jumbled up, words exchanged…an older man in full view came to me as I cleared the coming crowds with my hands. As if an empty circle appeared, there stood two men, hugging, talking and kissing, yelling as if the world had come into full circle for them. Then, there was a little girl that came to about my knees. Long black hair, bewitching grey eyes, a small nose, tall for her age and a pretty smile…she was real. She was finally real to me.
The little girl was trying to cling onto the older man, trying to see the younger man next to him, but was impatient and jumping up and down, demanding an explanation. She kept on tugging on the black pant leg, at the same time eying the younger man – her own father – with suspicion as if it was not real and that this was just another illusion.
I walked over slowly and carefully and then broke into a run when I myself had no more patience than the toddler before me. Before I knew it, I had my beautiful baby girl quickly in my arms. When I cried out a wordless shout of joy as a mother would when reunited with her child, I felt another set of arms around me, hugging, staring and even exclaiming.
"I know those eyes from anywhere," Daniel Pierce said as he finally faced me, bringing all three of us together in a tight embrace. Older with whiter hair (his dark hair was barely showing through the snow competing), light blue eyes, a pale complexion and a large nose (like Hawkeye's), Daniel Pierce looked at me with such with sincerity that I knew came from the heart. I knew that he loved me from the moment he heard about me.
"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy," Shannon kept repeating to me, not scared of me. She couldn't comprehend what had happened, but knew who I was, repeating the endearment again and again.
Sidney was right, after all. Shannon would know who I was and never forget me. That thought alone brought happiness to a heart that was used to be broken.
We all broke free of the embrace, laughing together. I still held Shannon (thinking that she was so big in size compared to the tiny infant of yesteryear) and snuggled against her, my head against hers and my lips full of kisses on her face. I could not get enough of this tall child who resembled us in every way and had been sorely missed for almost two years now. I wasn't going to let her go, I resolved, no matter what.
Shannon wiped all of my kisses away, unable to understand my reaction upon seeing her. "Uckie!" she exclaimed, trying to push me away.
This made me giggle. When Daniel smiled and Hawkeye chuckled nervously, an idea came to me spontaneously. "Do you want to see Daddy?" I asked Shannon, not willing to give her up so easily to Hawkeye.
"Oh, boy, here it comes." Daniel now laughed. "Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce is finally settling down."
"Dad…" Hawkeye sighed and then grinned, hiding his nervousness, and came up to me, holding out his arms. They were shaking, we could all see, but he looked determined to hold his own child before he broke down again.
"It's ok, Hawkeye," I whispered. "You can hold her."
Hawkeye heard me. "Come here, Shannon," he only said out loud, still holding out his arms just for her.
"Hawkeye, are you sure?" Daniel asked him, seeing what was happening, putting two and two together. I think he knew about the incident on the bus, I was so sure of it…
Nodding, Hawkeye still kept his arms outreached for Shannon. "I have her, Dad. It'll be ok."
Unwillingly and knowing that I had to do it, I let Hawkeye take Shannon from my arms. He was hesitant at first, loosely holding her and almost dropping her, but after a minute, he pulled the child closer to his heart, tighter and with more love than I had ever seen in his eyes before. It was like the last night we had with her as a newborn, the three of us sleeping contently in the Swamp and his protective body shielding us both from harm.
"You have her?" Daniel asked Hawkeye immediately when he saw the same thing I did.
"Yes, Dad, I do." Hawkeye shook his head slightly and only cuddled closer to Shannon, who would only repeat his name – Daddy, Daddy, Daddy – in his ear, playing with his black and white hair.