Notes:
I highly recommend before or after reading you go listen to The Sore Feet Song by Aly Kerr. I almost stole a lyric as the title for this chapter but you should just listen to it.
Chapter 36
When Newton wakes up this time he feels very tired, but somehow finished with sleep. His eyes slowly push open as the room comes into a hazy sort of focus.
The room is dark except for a few monitors that still quietly display signs of life. Beneath the somewhat ghostly glow he can see Hermann lying in the gurney across the room.
If Newt were in a walking mood he could reach the other man in two steps but he just doesn't feel that active yet, so he reaches for his glasses and shakily jams them on his nose.
Hermann is awake, and seemingly unaware of Newton. He is holding a hand in front of his face, his expression clinical. From where Newt sits he can see the tremor that Hermann must be examining with detached interest. He supposes Hermann doesn't need steady hands for math.
The thought immediately strikes him as a callous one and on an impulse he turns away and holds his own hand up for inspection.
There is definitely a tremor. The sort that will make dissection of any specimen a waste. He is going to need other people to do work for him. The thought is not a pleasant one.
He looks back at Hermann, who is now sitting up and watching him. Newt gulps.
The Gottlieb gaze is not an easy thing to endure but he sits there and manages it. Memories casually surfacing and shuffling into their place. He doesn't remember the whole drift but he remembers enough.
Hermann is still silent.
Newt is starting to wonder if he is ever going to actually speak but the man just continues to stare, brow furrowed.
Maybe he has no verbal attacks to make today?
Maybe he has a million?
He pushes himself up, he won't take whatever it is lying down...at least not literally.
Hermann has almost zero reaction to this.
"For the love of god Hermann-" He is going to continue but he stops in dull surprise. The words hadn't been unintelligible by any means, but there is a definite change in his speech. A slurring and stuttering of vowels and consonants, like his brain has forgotten precisely how his mouth worked.
In the scheme of things this is a small cost;
Very, very small...
and yet...
He's had a stammer for most of his life but this is far worse than that.
He looks down at the hospital blanket covering him. In the dim light it looks gray-
The shuffle and tap of Hermann getting out of bed distracts Newt. The cane sounds thunderous against the linoleum in an otherwise silent room. The IV stand he drags beside him is equally deafening with its squeaky wheels.
Even as he stares, he has to resist the temptation to to work his jaw around and tug at his lips... like that might accomplish anything. He wants to see if they will feel different. Like maybe there is a physical reason? There isn't but there could be?
In the privacy of his own room he might stare in the mirror and watch himself speak, but he doesn't want Hermann to see that.
Hermann lets out a sigh as he sits down on the edge of Newt's bed.
"We drifted for something like 29 hours, on untested equipment, with a kaiju. We were bound to be affected. Be grateful that so far it all seems fairly minor," This is probably Hermann's fairly obvious way of reminding him to be thankful they aren't dead, and he is.
He is.
It's just that maybe half of his identity has always been wrapped up in having that smart mouth to lecture and chatter and talk his way out of and through any situation. It's silly but he feels somewhat helpless without it. A little emptier than before.
He considers not answering. He considers never speaking again so Hermann doesn't have to hear him sound like this because he feels ashamed of it. Irrationally, incredibly, unbelievably embarrassed.
But Hermann is sitting there waiting...
It's not like he can not talk to Hermann after everything that's happened.
"It's just..." he speaks slowly, it helps with the stutter, but it does nothing to touch the blurring of vowels and consonants. It sounds like his words had been lightly stirred on the way out of his mouth. He blushes little and looks away feeling a little stupid.
"I am just figuring this out...I need to get used to it."
"It's been a few hours and I'm still adjusting Newton, but I would very much like to discuss something else with you." Hermann is looking down and away. Something in his tone grabs Newt's full attention.
He stares at Hermann and waits. The moments pass silence and he takes the time to study that severe profile. He had thought for years that Hermann was all edges but he remembers things...he remembers a lot of things. He remembers the not remembering and he remembers Hermann guiding him through it. He remembers being so afraid and comforted by his steady presence. He remembers a careless question that caused more damage than he could have expected or understood at the time.
Finally Hermann has his words together and speaks
"I have a question that I need you to answer honestly, but first I must apologize."
An apology?
That's an unexpected development and the look on Newt's face says as much because Hermann glances at him and makes a dismissive gesture.
"I mean it Newton, after the drift I was...uncomfortable...we had prevented an apocalypse and we had survived but," he pauses.
Newt can easily recall the initial euphoria that was somehow immediately replaced with an awkward bitterness. They had gone back so quickly into being angry and distant.
"I had not anticipated just how...personal the drift was. You had thoughts that were mine and I didn't want you to have them. And I had thoughts of yours that didn't belong there. It was upsetting and I acted irresponsibly. I'm not sure what I could have done but if I had been honest with you from the start than we might not have ended up here and so I apologize." He does not look at Newt for most of this speech. Instead he stares at his hands as they continue to tremble, resting in his lap. It's not until the end of this pronouncement that he finally meets Newt's gaze and Newt can't help but feel a little awed.
Hermann does not do grand gestures or apologies. He does not discuss his feelings. Emotions are a walled off territory that remains unseen and unknown. This is new for both of them and Newt is also more than a little surprised by where he's placing all the blame.
He is about to open his mouth and object. He wants to tell Hermann that he's a little bit wrong since Newt was lying to him for a lot of that time.
But Hermann beats him to the punch.
"Now Newton, I need you to explain to me, why...
He hesitates looking deeply lost
"Why did you do this?" It's a simple question. A surprisingly simple one and its asked with very little anger.
He stares with searchlight eyes in the dark. As if, even in the gloom, he might gain some of his answers in Newt's expression.
"The first drift nearly killed you and the second clearly had side effects that were horrible for you. Why in the name of sanity did you hook yourself up to that thing and drift a third time?"
Newt bites his lip now and looks down.
His throat feels tight.
When he does speak he goes slowly and tries to get the words out as best he can.
"The PPDC...people were concerned that the rift could reopen. They wanted more information. Lightcap came in order to oversee the project. Those last couple of days before we were running tests with me hooked up to it...not in a full drift but...Herc didn't want to order it, he was made to probably. Lightcap didn't want to do it either and..."
He fidgets with unsteady hands.
"They said if I didn't do it then they'd get you to do it."
He hears Hermann take a breath but he still can't look at him.
"And if you didn't just say 'yes' right off the bat because of your thing about honor and duty than they could have made you do it, I don't know how but they could have found something to make you do it the way they found something to make me do it. So I did. Because I was already fucked up and you were okay and I wanted you to stay that way. I made sure everybody who knew kept it a secret from you and it was basically Lightcap, Dr. Siddiq and Herc and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was even a tiny bit curious about what might happen. I'm sorry I didn't tell you and I'm sorry you had to drift with me. It wasn't like last time where I said all that stupid stuff about it being your fault if I died, it wasn't like that."
He gestures wildly and Hermann watches him, silent and pale. The words are slipping out faster than he can manage them and he trips and stumbles on them like a skater on thin ice.
"I'm sorry for everything Hermann, I'm sorry that I forgot you, I'm so sorry. I don't know how I could have ever forgotten you ever. I'm just-" his words tear to a halt when Hermann rests a hand on his cheek.
He doesn't say anything for a moment, but his eyes seem to study Newt in some new way.
After a moment he pulls his hand away and reaches past Newt, grabbing a couple of tissues from the box beside the gurney. Slowly he leans forward and dabs at what Newt realizes is a fresh nosebleed.
When he leans back holding the bloody tissues his expression is a mix of fond irritation, he looks at Newt as though he sees everything he is now and is wryly unsurprised.
Newt stares back, edgy and uncertain.
"You're an imbecile" he tells him. The words startle a laugh out of Newt. He grabs the tissues out of Hermann's hand because he probably still needs them and glances fretfully at Hermann.
"I know man, I mean..."
"I wasn't finished, Newton" his tone is almost severe but his mouth isn't.
"You're an imbecile...but thank you. I accept your apology."
The words leave Newt temporarily speechless. He gapes at Hermann who is still gazing back at him with something uncommonly gentle in his eyes, its hard to tell in the dark but he might be blushing a little.
Newt reddens in turn and reaches up to scratch at his hair. After a moment he looks back at Hermann.
"Right back at ya' dude," his voice cracks a little and the stutter is unbearable but Hermann smiles at him and that's awesome.
After a moment passes and Hermann drops his hand. They sit there in a silence that is almost awkward but heavy with something else. Something they haven't quite voiced yet.
Finally Newt decides to take a chance.
"Could we just...lie here...like...together?" His face must resemble a tomato but Hermann blushes too and nods.
Newt scooches over and there is some ungainly shoving and adjusting until they are lying there facing each other. The room is still dark and the quiet covers them like a soft blanket
"How much do you remember from the drift?" Hermann asks in an almost whisper.
"Parts of it...I think a lot of it." Newt whispers back.
"That might be a good sign."
"I suppose..." Newt squints at him in the dark as one memory jumps forward. His voice cracks a little on the question as he asks,
"Did you really try to tell me you were nobody?"
Hermann shrugs and looks down.
"There were more pressing matters at hand."
Another long silence drifts by like a slow breeze with nothing to mark it but the gentle tick of a clock on the far wall.
"You're not," Newt says in half non sequiter. Hermann's eyes slide back towards him. Up close Newton can see the hundred thoughts that must flick through his mind in double time. Emotions felt and reactions considered.
Finally, he smiles; a little smile that gentles all of the edges one might associate with Hermann Gottlieb. Even a little smile looks so unexpectedly perfect. This feels perfect.
Maybe it's an after effect of the drift. A small ghosting of intent that might belong to one and becomes both. Neither would ever admit they were first, and neither is sure they were second.
Somebody moved their hand into the negative space between them. It was quickly met and grasped. Fingers intertwined in something better than a physical or neural handshake.
Palm to palm, skin against skin.
It felt so good to be alive and to have him there.
To have his gaze met and returned.
Later they would sleep, they would entangle. Arms wrapping and bodies touching. They would sleep and dream of nothing but good things with the other beside them.
Notes:
(Seriously go listen to that song and picture the ending bit...also check out All my Days by Alexi Murdoch)
Remember when I said eventually nice things would happen? WELL NOW
Also not the end. A little more to go. I will literally write THE END so you know
And this was hard to write. Um how to show people expressing affection in a not sexual way? I don't even enjoy reading that but it's so easy to just fall into that. I just struggled a lot.
Serious thanks to KaijuKatty for spending a day reading this whole ridiculous fic and making my day at work A MILLION TIMES BETTER as I read those comments. Enjoy the update ^_^