Whatever It Takes
Of course Blaine recognized the pink sparkly microphone and the stage at once. The cheerful female voice in the background only confirmed it. What he saw on the big screen was the Oscar room in Rachel Berry's basement.
Blaine had to keep himself from grinning like an idiot. This had to be a new video message from Kurt. And since Gabriel had his phone confiscated this was the only way he could make Blaine watch it. Oh, he wanted to jump up and hug Gabriel, but hell yeah, he was strapped to a chair and didn't mind at all.
"Come on, Kurt, just one more time!" Rachel's pleading voice.
Blaine noticed that there was a date in the right corner of the screen and it showed today's date. This had only been recorded today!
"I'm gonna be hoarse tonight, Rach." Kurt's tired voice from somewhere behind the camera.
Blaine's excitement grew. He wanted to see Kurt! Please step in front of the camera, baby, he begged in his head. It was an eager Rachel Berry who came into view first, her long dark hair flowing over her shoulders, her hands folded in plea. "Please, Kurt, pretty please! I have a brilliant idea to make your performance better!"
"We already have like twenty different arrangements of the song, Rachel," Kurt reminded her. "I appreciate your effort to make this perfect, but I really just wanna tell Blaine how I feel and it has to come naturally."
"I know, I know," Rachel launched forward, grasping Kurt's hands and pulling him onstage with her. "And I have just the perfect idea!"
For a moment Blaine forgot to breathe. Gosh, Kurt was so beautiful. He was wearing a white shirt and a black vest, he fumbled absent-mindedly with the accurate knot of his turquoise light scarf and sat down on the barstool in the middle of the stage. Rachel stood on tiptoes in front of him to pick at his hair until Kurt ushered her away. "I'm fine, Rachel, stop fussing with my hair. So what's your idea?"
"The problem is that you need an actual audience," Rachel explained to him. "You're concentrating too hard on picturing singing this to Blaine in your head."
"This is meant to be for Blaine," Kurt protested weakly.
"Of course it is. I'm just saying that your singing would be better if there were people around to watch you. Wait a sec, I'm gonna get my dads downstairs."
Kurt nodded in defeat and the moment she left the room he sagged on his chair. He rubbed his face tiredly and once more Blaine got worried about the fact that Kurt had lost so much weight over the past few weeks.
The moment two loud male voices approached Kurt's head jerked back up, a smile ready on his lips. One of Rachel's dad's came into view, half-hugging Kurt and complimenting him on his outfit. "Doesn't he look handsome, Leroy? Goodness, I wish I'd been this fashion-conscious when I was your age, Kurt."
"Thanks Mr Berry."
"Oh, it's Hiram, my boy." The tall man was patting Kurt's shoulder affectionately and looked over to his husband. "Leroy, do you remember that I had an awful time adjusting to flares that were the thing in the seventies? With my long legs I just felt like I'd draped myself into curtains."
"We can show you some hilarious pictures of our time in San Francisco, Kurt, back when we were..."
"Dads, please!" Rachel interrupted their chattering with raised eyebrows.
"Right, honey. But I have to say just one more time that I admire your fashion sense, Kurt, you look fabulous. But let's hear some singing now, shall we?"
"You gotta stay quiet," Rachel told them. "Don't disturb the recording by joining in, okay?"
"Don't you mind us, cutiepie." Hiram drew Rachel into a quick hug before he hurried to some place behind the camera. "We'll be standing just over here in the corner, all eyes and ears for you two."
"Are you ready?"
Kurt nodded and straightened up in his seat, clasping his hands around one knee.
"And ACTION!" Rachel shouted and hit the play button of the music box. Blaine recognized the music at once but couldn't lay a finger on what it was until Kurt started to sing the lyrics.
"People say love comes and goes
But they don't understand what they don't know
'Cause what I feel starts deep inside
It's planted like a seed that springs into life"
Immediately Blaine was mesmerized by Kurt's determined voice and his stinging blue eyes. Watching Kurt sing made Blaine completely forget where he was and that he was strapped to a chair, he had only eyes and ears for his boyfriend.
"They say it's not right and we move too fast
But they don't know the meaning of what we have"
Blaine's heart was melting away. Kurt knew that Leona Lewis was one of his favorite singers. The way Kurt gave the originally cheerful and bouncy song a serious tone was like a wholehearted promise. It was like he tried to say, this isn't just for fun, this is the truth and I mean what I'm saying.
"Wherever it is, I'll fly
Whatever it takes, I'll try
So don't pay no mind to what other people say"
When Kurt sang the chorus he looked right into the camera and Blaine's heart stopped beating. It was like Kurt looked right into his soul and that's when Blaine noticed it. How lost Kurt was. His mouth was smiling but it didn't reach his eyes.
"Whenever it is in my life
Know that I will be on time
'Cause you know why
There's no standing in our way"
Rachel sat on a barstool next to him, singing some background notes. She tried to bring a happier tone into the song by accompaning Kurt in the chorus, but she couldn't cover up the fact that Kurt's version was not happy-go-lucky.
"When you're far and we're apart
I'm really missing you,
I wanna be where you are"
Kurt's voice trembled when he sang those words, when we're apart... I wanna be where you are... and Blaine felt a shiver run down his spine. Just by the way he put everything into this song Blaine knew that Kurt would never give up on him. This thought was soothing but at the same time it also scared him.
"And if you're lost, I'm gonna find you
'Cause without you I'll break down and cry
And you know I wanna surround you
With all my love"
Blaine wanted Kurt to find him. He wanted to leave this building knowing that Kurt was standing outside, waiting for him the moment he walked out of the door, so he could embrace him.
"Wherever it is, I'll fly
Whatever it takes, I'll try
Pay no mind to what other people say"
Rachel reached out to hold his hand and join into the final chorus belting out some high notes but she never took over the song, it was all Kurt's.
"Whenever it is in my life
Know that I will be on time
Because you know why
There's no standing in my way"
The song ended and loud applause and cheering errupted from Rachel's dads who stormed over and congratulated him on his singing which Kurt humbly declared as one of his weaker performances due to his chest injury.
"I think we finally got it right," Rachel exclaimed happily and clapped her hands. Then she walked towards the camera, reached out to touch it and the next moment the screen was black again.
Blaine got nervous. That was it? He tried not to be disappointed, but he wanted to see more. He was about to ask Gabriel to repeat the clip because he didn't mind watching this for the next couple of hours, he would never be sick of watching his boyfriend. But then another video clip started. At first the vision was blurred but then the focus adjusted and showed a close-up of Kurt's face.
Angry and pissed off.
"Tell me, how am I supposed to breathe without air?"
Woah, what's this? Blaine was irritated for a moment. But then Kurt drew a deep breath – clearly having difficulties with breathing – and started to sing in an accusing low voice.
"If I should die before I wake
It's cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air"
Blaine noticed that Kurt was in his own room and in the middle of the song he began spinning around, holding the camera high up in the air and facing it. Blaine got dizzy by watching but when he concentrated on Kurt's face the spinning wasn't too bad.
It was obvious that Kurt was angry and hurt and frustrated. Those were feelings Blaine could absolutely relate to but it made his heart ache to see his boyfriend like this. Then suddenly Kurt collapsed on his bed, his breathing ragged and seemingly painful. He made little wheezing noises as if he was about to cry. He continued the song with a small pleading voice, almost a whisper,
"How do you expect me
To live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe"
Blaine tensed up in his seat and clutched the armsrests when he was watched his boyfriend fighting for every gulp of air. He's suffocating, oh God, he's having trouble breathing! Someone help him, oh my God, somebody please help him! Only now did Blaine notice the date of this recording. This was from Friday. Okay, since Kurt made another video only today he had to be alright. Still, being forced to watch his boyfriend having a panic attack was upsetting. He wanted to be out there with him and comfort him.
The camera was dropped carelessly onto the bed as Kurt stumbled towards the window. Now the camera showed the lower part of the open window and a part of the wall beneath. Kurt was leaning out of the window trying to collect himself. That's alright, baby, take deep breaths, Blaine was coaching him in his mind.
Suddenly Kurt stepped back and closed the window again, pulling the curtains shut. In a haste he got his phone out and Blaine witnessed a whispered conversation with Finn and things got even weirder because now Kurt was talking about Dave Karofsky. Then he said something about a note and ran out of his room.
Apparently Kurt had forgotten about his camera and now it recorded his empty bedroom. The next few minutes seemed like an eternity and Blaine was left to wonder what the hell was going on with Karofsky. Blaine hated how he only got glimpses into Kurt's life. Of course he was thankful that he was able to see this, but he knew it would keep him up all night puzzling about what all this meant.
It felt like sitting in the movies, just the popcorn was missing and being able to move and scratch his nose. However, the movie was real, this was his boyfriend's life. With a sigh he wished Kurt would just sit down and talk into the camera, giving a newsflash about what Blaine had missed so far. Now, that'd be cool.
After Kurt ran out of his room there was a cruelsome silence. Minutes ticked away in the right corner of the screen and nothing happened. Would Kurt return to his room? If the next hour only showed part of Kurt's bed and his window Blaine would certainly fall asleep and he didn't know if Dr. Nolan would be amused when his torture, uhm, treatment resulted in his patient taking a nap and snoring peacefully.
No, there had to be more!
After seven minutes that seemed like a lifetime Kurt finally came back into the room, banging his door shut. He was obviously upset and started pacing his room. A second later there was a knock on his door and his stepmother's voice called out for him in a frightened voice. "Don't come in!" he shouted back angrily. "I don't want to talk to you! To any of you liars!" Kurt went to his door and made sure it was locked up. Carole tried to talk to him some more but he ignored her until she gave up and retreated.
Kurt collapsed on the ground beneath the window, bending one knee to his chest and looping an arm around it. The camera was right on him and Blaine could see that Kurt was studying some tiny yellow paper before crumpling it up and throwing it across the room with a disgusted grimace. Instead he got his phone out again, dialed a number and put the call on speaker. He dropped it on the floor as if it was too heavy to hold up and rested his forehead on his knee, waiting for an answer.
The phone rang until a hushed voice answered which Blaine recognized at once as Wesley's. "Kurt, I'm in class."
"Excuse yourself for the restroom!" It was an order.
"This is the last time." Wesley hissed and then spoke up to the teacher and had himself excused. Kurt folded his hands around his knee with his chin on top, listening as his Dalton friend walked out of class, just to speak up in an annoyed tone a moment later. "You called me already three times today! Could you at least check the clock before you call?"
"Any news from Erica yet?" Kurt asked, deliberately ignoring Wesley's scolding.
"No! And for the hundredth time, I'll call you the second there is news! You don't have to call me every freaking five minutes!"
Blaine saw Kurt flinch at Wesley's outburst.
"I know you're worried sick about Blaine, but you're not THE ONLY ONE! We all are! And right now I not only have to deal with you, but also with Reed who's worried sick about YOU, too. Why don't you answer his texts or calls? You know what Reed's like. He's driving us all crazy, asking every five minutes if any of us have word from you. So I have two guys who keep on dragging at me about news which I can't supply. Try walking in my shoes!"
"I'm sorry. I know I've been an awful friend lately. I'm gonna text Reed." Kurt promised and Blaine noticed that his right hand unconsciously played with the Klaine bracelet on his left wrist. His heart sped up knowing that Kurt was still wearing it.
"Also, you still haven't told me anything about your meeting with Shane," Wesley continued his rant. "The only thing I got from you is that he's gonna call my girlfriend about news on Blaine. What did he tell you, though? How is Blaine doing? You're keeping all information to yourself!"
A wave of misery washed over Kurt's face. "I don't know, Wes. Shane didn't know much either."
"Kurt, the way you cave yourself in is not cool. You're behaving like you own Blaine and like you're the only one allowed to suffer just because he was your boyfriend and..."
"Is!" Kurt corrected him with a sudden edge of fury in his voice. "Blaine is my boyfriend!"
"Yeah, alright, but guess what, we're Blaine's friends and we're worried about him, too. And to keep stuff from us is not what friends do."
"Gosh, I'm so incredible sorry, Wesley," Kurt replied in his best bitch voice. "I wasn't aware there were rules on how to behave when your boyfriend gets admitted to a mental facility and you're unlikely to ever see him again. Is there a manual you can borrow for me? Or at least please give me a crash course, because I feel so unprepared and apparently I'm doing everything wrong!"
"Look, we're all stressed out about this," Wesley replied in a calmer tone. "Nobody knows a thing about Blaine and..."
"Yeah, welcome to the club!" Kurt snarled at him. "Nobody knows a thing and there's nothing we can do to help him! Let's just carry on with our wonderful lives, shall we?"
Kurt gathered up his phone and his thumb hovered over the 'end' button, granting Wesley a few more seconds to reply before disconnecting the call. A second later his face scrunched up into a mask of misery and he started weeping silently.
Blaine's heart broke at the sight of his boyfriend in tears. He wanted to reach out and comfort him and tell him not to worry this much. But he knew if the roles were reversed and he didn't know what was going on with Kurt he'd be a wreck, too, and there'd be nothing that could make him feel better.
Hell, what was going on over there at Kurt's right now? And why was Wesley being such a dick? Alright, Blaine got it that they all were worried about him and worked up by the situation. And like Kurt said, there weren't any guidelines how to deal with a situation like this. Everybody was allowed to freak out.
It wasn't long before someone knocked at Kurt's door and Burt's voice called out, heavy with worry. "Kurt, open that door!"
Blaine watched as Kurt wiped the tears off his cheeks hastily and took a few deep breaths to get himself under control. He didn't answer to his father's increasing shouting and pleading to open the door, but he slowly rose to his feet and crossed the room – out of the camera's focus. Blaine listened in to the conversation at the door. In his vulnerable state Kurt was lashing out at everyone.
Finn entered the room and crossed the screen and the camera bounced on the mattress when someone sat down on the bed. A second later it was picked up by Kurt who put it on the desk, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the camera was still recording. Now it pointed to the bed where Kurt sat down next to his father.
As Blaine followed the conversation he grew more and more worried. They were talking about mysterious text messages and death threats – apparently a neighbor wanted to kill Kurt! – and about Kurt refusing to eat and about Karofsky stalking him. Oh, my God, what the hell was happening over there? What kind of overwhelming crap did Kurt have to deal with on his own?
And then Burt said that Devon sprayed the words die fag on their front door, and Blaine's heart stopped beating. Devon. They'd kown each other since Blaine was fourteen. How could Devon go after Blaine's boyfriend? How could Valerie and Devon betray him like that? What for? Why did they turn on him?
Throughout the whole conversation it was obvious how much Burt cared about his son and Blaine took comfort from the fact that Kurt had such a supportive father. It dawned on Blaine why Gabriel had made such a mysterious remark just earlier about Burt being a father that would do anything for his son. Of course, Gabriel had watched all of this, too. And upon seeing Kurt – how much Kurt suffered from missing his boyfriend – he had decided to come back to protect Blaine.
Also Blaine started wondering if Kurt was aware that he'd accidentally recorded all this and if he had sent it to Gabriel intentionally, wanting Blaine to see all this. Or if perhaps Rachel had just send everything over to Gabriel unbeknownst to Kurt.
Kurt left his room again with camera still running and Blaine wondered what else had happened on Friday for Kurt. Would he return to his room or would Blaine have to watch the empty bed for the next few hours? Not that he minded seeing Kurt's bed and dreaming about lying there next to his boyfriend and telling him how sorry he was about everything that's been happening.
There was a cut – thank you, Rachel or Gabriel! – and the digital clock in the right corner showed that fifteen minutes had passed when the door to Kurt's bedroom finally opened again. Kurt came in with someone else. A boy in a Dalton uniform passed in front of the camera that was still sitting on the desk and Blaine wondered who came to visit Kurt.
"So, have you... have you talked to Shane?"
Oh hey, it was Reed! Blaine recognized the shy and quiet voice and smiled fondly. You simply couldn't help smiling when Reed was around. But then Blaine remembered where he was and if Dr. Nolan was indeed studying him he shouldn't look too happy during his treatment. His initial joy turned quickly into sorrow anyway, because the conversation between the two boys was heart-breaking.
Kurt talked about meeting Shane and about missing Blaine and how Shane had confirmed that Blaine had tried to commit suicide and leave him. Listening to the hurt and pain in his boyfriend's voice Blaine felt so guilty and ashamed. He still couldn't remember why he had wanted to kill himself, but he knew for a fact that he'd swallowed those damn pills. How could he do that to Kurt? How could he hazard the consequences and make Kurt worry and suffer so much?
Kurt told Reed about meeting the guy who had beaten him up at New Year's and that he worked for Blaine's father. When he listened to Kurt talk about it Blaine started crying. He tried to stop it, but soon his vision was blurred and the more he tried to choke down his tears the more came.
It was so awful, so unbearable that Kurt had gone through hell on his behalf. If it wasn't for him Devon would never have assaulted Kurt. Such raw violence... it made his heart ache more than he could stand.
Ever since the Sadie Hawkins Dance Blaine knew what it was like to be beaten like a dog and he had prayed that Kurt never had to experience anything like that. And now it had happened. Kurt had suffered so much and it was all Blaine's fault. If only he could have done something to stop Devon, if only...
"Why are you hestitating, Blaine? Do you want your boyfriend to be beaten up?"
Valerie was standing in front of him, her right hand clutching his arm in an insisting manner, her grey eyes dead-serious. "You need to do this! Now! Trust me, this is the only thing you can do to stop your father!"
"There has to be something else," he pleaded, his whole body was shaking with dread and fear. "What if I..."
"What, Blaine? What do you wanna do? Talk to your father?"
Valerie let out a patronizing laugh. "It's too late for that and you know it. Kurt will be in for the hospital within the next hour and this is the only way for you to stop it!"
What was that? Blaine's heartbeat quickened but his whole body felt numb all of a sudden. A memory flash had just popped up and he tried to cling to it but he couldn't for his life remember the details. What the hell had this conversation been about?
Three hours passed and Gabriel had played and repeated all clips available of his boyfriend. Blaine felt exhausted and emotionally drained. Watching those clips made him happy and sad at the same time. Of course it was better than whatever Dr. Nolan had planned out for him. But it made him long for Kurt so much more and wishing and hoping he could see him or at least talk to him soon.
Blaine's thoughts lingered on his unexpected memory flash.
He tried to stir up more details of it but his mind stayed blank and refused to show him more than this little puzzle piece. He knew that the words between Valerie and himself had been exchanged around Christmas time but what were the exact circumstances? What had he done to make his father feel the need to go after Kurt? What had Valerie suggested Blaine do to stop his father? And most importantly, why had Blaine failed in stopping his father to go after Kurt?
"You alright?" Gabriel asked him when he led him back to his room, holding on to Blaine's arm to steady him because the boy couldn't walk a straight line in his exhausted state.
Blaine made a humming noise and looked up at him. "Same thing tomorrow?"
"Depends," Gabriel answered mysteriously. "Your father announced that he'd come to visit you tomorrow or the day after that."
"That's good news," Blaine replied although he dreaded a confrontation with his father. "I mean I finally get to talk to him."
Gabriel opened the door to Blaine's room and motioned for him to step inside.
"Listen, whatever your father askes you to do, you gotta do it," Gabriel told him after closing the door behind him. "I can't keep up this charade forever and Dr. Nolan will get suspicious sooner or later. Maybe I won't be able to show you video clips of your boyfriend for the next few sessions."
"Okay," Blaine replied quietly.
Gabriel grabbed Blaine's shoulders and his eyes bore into him desperately. "Whatever your dad wants, just say yes. Nothing can be worse than staying here. You understand me?"
Blaine nodded gravely, too emotional right now to speak.
"I can't do this any longer," Gabriel whispered and gently brushed his thumb over Blaine's tear-streaked face. "I can't watch this anymore. You need to get out of here."
Again Blaine confirmed Gabriel's words with a nod. He wanted to ask Gabriel to stay with him, perhaps sit down beneath the window again and talk about random stuff to distract him. But the orderly checked his watch and sighed. "Gotta go. Keep your head up high for me, Wildcat, and don't worry too much. You'll be alright, you hear me?"
Gabriel's eyes lingered on him for a moment longer and Blaine could see the reluctance. The man didn't want to leave him alone. But duty called and he had to be somewhere else.
"See you tomorrw."
Blaine watched the man leave and turned to crawl onto his mattress. He closed his eyes and saw his boyfriend sitting on a barstool on the prosperous stage of the Berry home. Today Kurt had promised him to do anything to get him back. He wanted to believe in Kurt's strength but it scared him. What if Kurt crossed Valerie's and Devon's path again? What if they hurt him again? Blaine would do anything to make sure Kurt wasn't harmed again.
"I won't allow anyone to hurt you ever again," Blaine whispered to himself and squeezed his pillow. "Whatever it takes."
Songs in this chapter:
Leona Lewis – Whatever It Takes
Jordin Sparks feat. Chris Brown – No air
Btw, I have posted a spin-off called 'Gabriel' to explain some of Gabriel's background. If you are interested in learning more about him I'd love for you to read it. I can't tell Gabriel's whole story in No Regrets. I guess some of you would kill me if I didn't carry on with getting Blaine and Kurt back together. ;) They will be together again, I promise. Please have patience.
Thank you for reading! And thanks a million for all of your wonderful reviews for the last chapter! I always love hearing from you so please keep the reviews coming! :D