Attachment Syndrome
Chapter 36:
"Mommy's at the therapist's office, yes she is," Castle coos as he bounces his fussing baby around his office. Johanne squirms in his arms, over-tired and fighting it. She went down too early the night before, woke up too soon, and seems to be leeching the anxiety out of him as he sways by the window.
"Mommy's at the therapist's because she got shot at uncle Roy's funeral, and then Jordan caught the mastermind behind your grandma's shooting, and now mommy has to prove she's mentally sound before she can go back to being in constant danger. Isn't that fun?"
"Ever thought a lighter subject might calm her down?"
Castle spins around and grimaces as his mother leans against the doorway to the office. "I thought you went out."
"My first student came down with food poisoning."
"Ah," he says, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Come on, Jose. I'll hold you through your whole nap if you just go to sleep, sweetie."
Martha chuckles and walks forward, extending her arms for the baby. He sighs and passes her over, groaning when Johanne immediately settles, letting her little exhausted head flop onto his mother's pastel shoulder.
"Darling, you need to relax."
He nods and slumps into his desk chair, rubbing at his face. Neither he nor Kate got much sleep. They spent the early hours of the morning exhausting themselves into slumber, only to wake to the sounds of their shrieking infant not three hours later. Kate seemed in decent enough spirits as she left for her appointment, but he and Johanne are not doing so well.
"What's on your mind, kiddo?" Martha asks quietly, rubbing her hand over Johanne's back.
"Just—life, mother," Castle offers, shaking his head.
"Mm," his mother says, giving him a knowing look. "Not so idyllic, huh?"
He rolls his eyes. God, he's picking up Kate's habits now. "Obviously not."
Martha hums. "I know the last few weeks have been hard. Well, the whole summer, really. But now? Darling, everything's about to go back to normal. And this beautiful little girl is all but yours."
"I know," he mutters.
"And Katherine's never looked better."
He smirks then meets his mother's eyes and grimaces. "Yeah."
Martha laughs and walks over to set Johanne in her crib. "Richard, you need to let yourself be happy."
"I am," he says instantly. Martha turns and gives him a look. "I am," he insists, softer.
"The stress has taken a toll on you, but you need to open yourself up to this," she encourages, spreading her arms and gesturing around the room, at the baby, at the knickknacks that have migrated from Kate's apartment, at the new pictures on the bureau behind his desk. "Just let yourself live in the moment, try to stave off the dark."
"I'm trying," he says.
Martha smiles. "I know you are. Stop trying. Just be. The rest will come."
He considers his mother, watching the way she stands, taller than he's seen in a while, more confident than he can remember over the last few years. "Thank you, mother," he says.
She smiles. "No charge." But she doesn't leave.
"Something else you wanted?" Castle asks, no malice in it. She's been so helpful these last few weeks, they're both grateful.
"Well, since you asked," Martha says, giving him a sly grin.
He just shakes his head and gestures for her to precede him out of the office. They settle in the living room together on the couch.
"What's on your mind?" he prompts.
"Things are almost back to normal now. Alexis starts school next week, and Katherine will be back at work before you know it. Little Josie's starting to toddle, and I feel as if, perhaps, the house is getting a bit small."
Castle blinks. He and Kate had been planning to bring this up with her, but haven't found the right time. In fact, Martha's been so helpful, so steady, that he thinks both he and Kate have been kind of putting it off, uneager to have her gone now.
"And, I was thinking," his mother continues. "I don't know what Katherine's plans are for her apartment, but if perhaps you want to keep it in the family, I might—"
He surges forward, quite out of his own control, and wraps his arms around his mother, suddenly so overwhelmed.
"Oh, well, all right, dear," Martha mumbles into his shoulder.
He chuckles and pulls back, hoping he's preserved some sense of dignity, if only because she looks so touched. "We were going to offer it to you but never…worked up the nerve, I guess. You're more than welcome to stay here. We love having you here. I love having you here, all jokes aside." Martha gives him a pressed lipped smile for that, her eyes suspiciously shiny. "But it's loud, and the more mobile Josie gets, the more crazy it'll be, so we wanted to offer you Kate's place. Keep it in the family."
"Wonderful," his mother gets out. "I'll talk with Katherine when she gets back?"
He nods, feeling a little numb with it. Martha smiles, pats his shoulder, then rises and heads back for her bedroom, making overtures about ordering packing boxes and needing to redecorate, of course.
He leans into the couch and stares out at the living room, at the toys scattered over the floor, the baby blankets, the textbooks and remaining case files they've all let go astray.
Life is moving on.
(…)
He's on the phone when Kate gets back. He hums for Paula's benefit as she goes on about some kind of signing engagement he just has to show for, given his absence over the summer. He watches as Kate walks into his office, her shoulders hunched and body weary. She offers him a tired smile then scoops Johanne off of her play mat, letting the giggling baby bring back some of her spirit.
She leaves him there on the phone with Paula, whispering to the baby as she goes.
"Sorry, Paula," he puts in, wincing as she sighs at him.
"Look, Rick, I understand that you're…adjusting back to normal life. But we're already behind here. Did you get those edits I sent?"
"I did. I'll—I'll have them for you before the week is out. Kate starts back at work on Wednesday. I'll have more time."
"Good. Now, about the signing."
"Can we push it back, just a week, Paula, please. Let Kate have just a week before I'm changing up the schedule."
Paula clicks her tongue in his ear. "What's this really about, Ricky? I think your detective can handle you not being at home with the baby. Can't you just get a sitter?"
He scrubs a hand over his face. Damn. If they wait until next week, Alexis will be back in school. If Martha or Jim can't take Johanne, then—"Let me get back to you about the date, all right?"
Paula sighs, as if he's told her she'll have to wait for a draft of the book instead. "All right, but see if Barnes and Noble books you again after this."
He scoffs. "Goodbye, Paula."
"Bye, Ricky."
He rubs at his eyes then clicks through his email, downloads Paula's notes. He opens them and stares at the thirteen page document. This'll keep him busy while Kate's at work. Granted, Johanne spends a lot more time engaging than she did in the beginning, when she'd just rest against him as he worked.
He'll have to focus his work during naptime and holding time. There's always the jolly jumper too. He'll figure it out.
He knows he's doomed when the pull of Kate and Johanne is stronger than the solitude that could afford him maybe the first page of notes worth of edits. Instead, he hauls his body out of his chair and loafs out into the living room.
He smiles, lounging in the doorway to the office to watch his family. Kate lies on the ground, Johanne lifted over her body, the baby held close. She rubs their noses together and Johanne giggles, poking at Kate's face. She nearly gets Kate's eye and Castle moves forward.
"Careful, bug," he warns, plopping down to sit next to Kate. "No blinding mommy."
Johanne turns her head and smiles at him, a large splat of drool dribbling down to hit the edge middle of Kate's blouse.
"Okay, drooly," he says, hiding a laugh as he takes the baby from Kate.
She sits up with a grimace and reaches out to grab the baby blanket, dabbing as much from her shirt as she can. "Another tooth, you think?"
"Are you getting a molar or something there, bug?" he asks the baby.
She just giggles. "Mama pay!" she squeals, squirming and reaching out for Kate again.
"Are you saying Mama play?" Kate coos, taking back the baby and leaning against the couch. "Do you wanna play peek-a-boo?"
He sits contentedly and watches as Johanne is happily surprised each time Kate reappears from behind her hands, the baby resting against her thighs and reaching out for her fingers.
Eventually, Johanne tires of their game and wiggles down to crawl around her mat, setting up shop with some blocks. Kate runs her hand over the baby's head then looks over at Castle.
"Everything good with Paula?"
He smiles and scoots around to rest against the couch with her. "Fine. I've got work to keep me busy while you're at work. Josie can help me."
"Mm. I'm sure she's great at catching semicolons and homonyms."
"You're hot, you know that?"
Kate laughs and lists into him, letting her head fall to rest against his shoulder. "Glad you think so," she mumbles.
"How was…everything?" he asks gently, rubbing his hand over her thigh.
"Good," she breathes out. "Re-qualified, no problem. I've got my gun in the drawer by the door. I'll put it in the safe later. And Burke was…a therapist, I don't know."
"Burke," he repeats.
"Dr. Burke. He's a very tall, distinguished guy. Serious. Looks like his legs are popping out of the armchair. A little bit like Lincoln. Reminds me a bit of Montgomery?"
He blinks. It's more than he was expecting, and such an odd set of comparisons. "But you liked him?"
Kate shrugs. "I don't like therapy much."
He bobs his head. "You did well with Dr. Goldstein."
"That was for Josie. This is—different." She sighs and takes his hand, threading their fingers together. "I might go back again."
"Whatever you want," he says, feeling lacking for something better, more comforting.
"Come with me sometime?"
"Of course." He winces, hoping she can't see. He's worse with therapy than she is. At least with Goldstein—she's right. With Goldstein it's just about Johanne, even if it's about them too. "Oh, we have our six month with Goldstein on Friday next week."
"I'll let Gates know tomorrow," Kate. "I'll start officially on Wednesday. Morning appointment?"
"Yeah," he agrees. "Eleven. Take a half, maybe?"
She nods and they both watch as Johanne crawls across the floor, flopping onto her little elephant with a giggle, she looks over at them and waves. They both immediately wave back and she babbles happily before turning her attention back to the toy.
"Six months," Kate whispers.
"She's done great."
He feels Kate smile against his shoulder. "Yeah, she has. Thank you, Castle."
He turns, keeping a weather eye on the mobile baby as he moves to meet Kate's gaze. "For what?"
She huffs and reaches up to stroke her fingers down his cheek. "For taking care of my baby, for letting us move in when she needed it. For loving her so hard. For loving me. For this summer—everything this summer. Just—we wouldn't have this life without you. I probably wouldn't have her at all without you. So," she arches up and presses her lips briefly to his. "Thank you."
He crushes her into his chest, his lips pressed firmly to her forehead as he looks at the baby, their daughter. "I love you," is all he manages. She doesn't need to thank him. This—this is everything.
She strokes her fingers over the nape of his neck. "You okay?"
He smiles. "Yeah," he gets out. He is.
Somehow, even with the clouds out the window and the heavy weight that still hovers over both of them, he's okay.
"Mother wants to move to your apartment."
Kate startles against him then laughs quietly. "Beat us to it."
"Better this way," he decides. "She'll want to talk about it with you."
"Maybe we can pack some stuff up over the weekend," Kate suggests. "Hot Saturday night."
He laughs. "You get time off like that?"
"I think we can work out a schedule. I want to be home with Jose as much as I can, you know?"
"I do," he promises. "And if you can't, we can always come say hi."
She smiles and curls back into him. "Good."
They stay there together, watching as Johanne crawls around before unceremoniously falling asleep in the middle of her play mat. He feels Kate dozing on his shoulder and smiles, settling in for naptime.
(…)
"Okay."
He smiles softly, standing in the foyer with Kate and Johanne, his partner dressed for work, heels in place, gun at her hip, baby in her arms.
"Okay. Mommy's going to work now."
She doesn't move, just staring at Johanne as the baby yawns in her arms. It's early. She got a call for a body first thing at five, her return to work more of a jump start. Johanne's barely awake. None of them are, really, despite the coffee Kate drank and the meager toast he managed to force on her.
"I'll be home tonight, and we'll take a bath, okay, bug? You have fun with daddy."
Castle reaches out at his cue, but Kate doesn't offer the baby. "Kate."
"I know," she snaps, looking up apologetically. "This is harder than I thought?"
"I know," he agrees, gently taking the baby from her. Johanne sags in his arms, her thumb migrating to her mouth as she promptly falls asleep, Kate's frenetic energy the only thing having kept her awake.
"Go. You'll be great," he promises. "We'll stop by if you're gonna be in for lunch. I'll have dinner ready."
"Okay," she says, biting her lip. "Okay, bye baby." She leans in and presses a kiss to her sleeping daughter's cheek. "Bye, baby," she adds with a grin, arching up to give him a chaste peck.
"You'll pay for that later," he says, his menace lost to a large yawn.
Kate laughs. "I look forward to it. Go back to sleep, Castle."
"Okay," he says, smiling as she shakes her head and finally leaves the apartment, the door shutting gently behind her.
He stands there for a long minute, staring at the closed door, the silence of the loft settling over him. Johanne snuffles in her sleep and he sighs, heading back toward their room.
"At least I can have one Beckett in bed with me," he whispers to the baby, curling up with her under the covers. "Differently of course." Johanne just shifts, her little mouth open, fast baby breaths warm against his chest. "You're a good sleeper."
He stares up at the ceiling and rubs her back. It's different. It's the same, but it's different. In a few short weeks, Johanne will be legally theirs.
Kate will be at work during the day, returning home to her daughter's laughter. It's the life they wanted before the shooting. It's the life they have now, a life that's secure and free from danger, Bracken behind bars.
With that thought loud and bright in his mind, he lets himself fall asleep.
(…)
When he wakes, he's alone.
He gasps and throws himself out of bed, glancing frantically around the bedroom. He fell asleep and Johanne crawled away, and she's probably managed to stick her finger in a socket or something, and he slept through it.
He doesn't see her in the bedroom, or the closet, or the bathroom. He skids into his office, feet slipping in his socks.
"Josie?" he calls out, trying to sound friendly instead of blind panicked. "Josie-bug, come out for daddy."
"Hey."
He spins around and finds Alexis holding Johanne on her hip, a hand covering her mouth.
"Sorry," she offers, laughing a little.
Johanne copies her. "Orry," she squeaks out.
He collapses onto the edge of his desk. "Nearly had a heart attack."
Alexis sobers and offers him an apologetic look. "I peeked in on you and she was awake. We had a bottle and read a book. Thought you could use the sleep. Kate left early, huh?"
"What time's it now?"
"About ten," Alexis says with a shrug.
"I should check my phone," he says, staring at them for a beat before shuffling back into his bedroom for his cell.
Of course. He's missed a few texts from Kate. They found a body in a sewer, looks like some sort of smuggling case. The woman's—whoa.
"What's up?" Alexis asks as he joins her in the kitchen.
"Um, nasty case," he offers, shaking his head and putting down the phone. He'll have to think of something good to offer Kate, something helpful.
A woman died from blood loss after a forced hysterectomy. Lanie found traces of cocaine in the empty cavity. The body was dumped in the sewer post mortem, found by a construction worker on the side of the sewage tunnel. It didn't manage to land in the water.
"Dad," Alexis prompts.
He shudders. "Sorry. Really nasty. How are you?"
"I'm good," Alexis says easily, walking over to place the baby in his arms. "Had fun with Josie. I'm supposed to shop with Paige later."
"That sounds good," he muses.
"Have a meeting with my guidance counselor," Alexis continues, watching him as he tries to pull his focus back. "I have to decide whether or not I want to front-load my courses."
That gets him.
"For Stanford?" he asks. She nods hesitantly. "What are you thinking?" he wonders, absently keeping Johanne from sticking her fingers up his nose.
"I—I think I want to stay. But I kind of like the idea of being mostly done by winter? I could sit for Josie, and I could do an internship or something. Maybe with Lanie."
He blinks. "With Lanie?"
"She mentioned that she'd been offered an intern, and you know I like forensics."
A woman with a forced hysterectomy, lying in sewage fills his mind and he swallows, hard. "Are you sure? That's—the stuff we see, Alexis…"
"I'm not set on it," she says quickly. "Just…would you mind?"
"Mind?" he repeats.
"If I was home more spring semester. It's not that many classes this fall anyway, no more than normal. But if I do it, I can be home more, have extracurriculars, just…relax."
He considers his daughter, remembers how hard the summer was. It would be nice to get more of her before she goes away for good. And she's not going to Stanford.
Well, he supposes if she gets in, she might still decide to do it. But as of right now, he gets to keep both of his babies.
"That's just fine with me," he promises. "Whatever you want, sweetheart. I can teach you all about working from home."
Alexis snorts and rolls her eyes with a smile. "Sure, dad."
He laughs and looks down at Johanne. "What'dya say, bug? You want more time with Alexis?"
"Exi!" Johanne replies, turning to look at the girl. "Exi pay!"
"Lexi play," he translates.
Alexis grins and takes the baby from him. "Wanna build a fort in the living room?" she suggests with a wink.
He laughs. "You're on."
Maybe being home with the girls will be easier than he thought. He pauses as he heads for the living room, returning for his phone.
He texts: I love you.
He snaps a picture of Alexis 'helping' Johanne pull a cushion from the couch, the baby standing unsteadily and tugging in imitation of her sister.
The girls and I are here. Call if you want.
He sends the text and goes to join his daughters, determined to keep them both happy and giggly all day, so his partner has something bright to come home to tonight.
He may not get to be there with her for this—may not be able to physically bring her joy, but he can prepare it for when she comes home.
(…)
"Mama!" Johanne exclaims as Kate comes through the door.
He watches from the kitchen as Kate closes her eyes for a moment before crouching down to receive her crawling baby. She picks her up and holds her tight, pressing kisses to Johanne's smiling face.
"Hi, baby. I missed you," she says, and he sees more than hears the words.
She stays rooted to the spot just holding the baby, swaying there. He lowers the heat on the sauce and heads to join them. He'll call Alexis down for dinner after this.
"Hi," he says, stepping up to her slowly.
She leans forward and lets him take her weight, her face pressing into his cheek, the baby between them.
"Hi," she breathes out.
"Rough day?" he asks.
She nods. "Bad, Castle. Really really bad."
"I'm sorry."
She shakes her head and straightens up, pasting on a smile he knows she doesn't really feel. "Dinner smells great."
He offers her a smile in return and guides her over to the table, calling for Alexis as they go. He plies Kate with food and lets the girls cheer her up as much as they can. He takes care of the dishes and insists she let Alexis and Johanne show her their fort.
He watches from the kitchen as Kate oohs and ahs with Alexis, both of them tickling Johanne and crawling into the fort until it collapses on them. He skirts the living room and draws a bath, lights some candles far from the tub. When he emerges, Alexis kisses Kate's cheek and heads up for the night, giving him a soft smile as she disappears up the stairs.
He reaches out for Kate, taking the baby from her before guiding her back into their bedroom and through to the bathroom. She leans into him as she sees the tub, filled with the colorful baby bubbles he bought so she could share a bath with Johanne.
As much as he wants to strip the clothes from her, worship her body until the day's forgotten, he thinks letting her undress while he changes the baby is better. He watches as Kate steps into the tub, sinking down into the bubbles before reaching back out.
He passes Johanne over, chuckling as the baby laughs and splashes at the water before curling up contentedly with her mother, her hand splayed at Kate's collarbone.
He smiles at the picture they make then starts to head out, set on cleaning the kitchen and righting the living room before Kate ends up stumbling through it the next morning.
"Stay," Kate says, halting him before he reaches the doorway. "Get in."
He eyes the two of them, reluctant to break their moment. Girls time. It's important. He's had Johanne all day.
"Please," Kate adds, and he sees it then, the raw piece of her she's been hiding for the girls.
He nods and strips out of his clothes, slips in behind her and wraps her up, smiling down at the baby as Johanne glances up at him, her little eyes drooping. He'll have to remember this for the next time the baby won't go down.
He kisses Kate's cheek and wraps his arms around her below Johanne. Kate sighs and collapses against him, turning her head to rest her forehead against his neck.
"A drug mule," Kate says softly. "She had a surgical procedure in Canada."
"Canada," he lets out, surprised.
She shrugs against him. "Free healthcare. She went to avoid the bills. Thought she was having a polypectomy. Instead, they inserted tiny bags of cocaine and told her to follow up with a doctor back in New York. A surgeon at Presbyterian was supposed to remove them, but she ended up in an ER in Brooklyn instead. They snatched her before the surgery began and—I've never seen that before," she finishes.
"Did you catch the guys?"
"We found the corrupt surgeon. He gave us names, and we're tracking them down. APBs are out. Hopefully we'll turn up one of them. Cameras show a three-man team."
"They carted her from Brooklyn to your jurisdiction?"
"They needed a table. Had to have good light to fish out all of the packets."
"God," he lets out. "That's—a bad first day back."
Kate nods against him, clutching at Johanne. "Yeah."
"Sorry I wasn't there," he whispers.
She shakes her head. "No. Better here with the baby. I—something like that—you should have seen Ryan."
Oh. He hadn't considered. Hysterectomy—would he have thought of Kate? Replaced that woman's face with hers?
"S'he with Jenny now?"
"I cut him loose early," Kate says softly. "Espo and I finished up the paperwork. He was a little green, but we saw Lanie a bunch."
"Are they—I mean, I guess it doesn't matter, but are they thinking about kids?"
Kate laughs. "No. Not now, at least. I know Jenny wants them though."
Johanne gurgles. He smiles, looking down to find her asleep against Kate's chest.
"Do you still think about it?" Kate asks a few minutes later.
"About what?"
"More kids?" Kate continues, her voice small, hesitant.
He sucks in a breath. He hasn't, not really. Not since they discussed it, albeit obliquely, over the summer. He can see it though, can see Kate pregnant, see them getting to go through it together, that magic of life grown between them.
"Do you?" he asks, instead of trying to explain the jumble of his thoughts.
"Sometimes," Kate admits. "When she's older."
"Yeah," he agrees. "Not too old though?"
"Why?" Kate wonders. She sounds generally curious, not judgmental in the slightest.
"I just," he pauses, surprised to find the thought at all. "The younger she is, the less I think she'll understand. And I mean, you chose her, I chose her, that's pretty special. We don't have to be her parents, we want to. But if we have a baby together, that's—it's different, you know?"
Kate breathes slowly, nodding as she bends down to press her lips to the crown of Johanne's head. "Right. Yeah, you're right. But we'll just—we'll explain. Make her feel just as special, because she is."
He raises a hand to cover hers on the baby's back. "We'll do good, Kate. Whether it's braiding her hair or reminding her that DNA doesn't make her less of our daughter than any baby with your eyes and my hair."
Kate nods, threading their fingers together. "Deal."
"Just—let's vet our docs, okay?"
Kate laughs, startled and turns her face to glance her lips off his jaw. "My gyno's good, I promise," she tells him.
"Better be. And I go with you for any procedures, okay?"
"Hey, calm down," Kate insists. "I'm fine. No one's going to illegally insert cocaine into my uterus. Only thing going in there is…" she trails off and he feels her wrinkle her nose against his cheek. "Not a conversation for Josie."
He chuckles and nods, kissing the line of her hair. "Okay. Just—okay."
Kate smiles and relaxes against him. "Don't worry, babe. I'm safe."
"I know," he says, tugging her infinitesimally closer. "I know."