A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have (still) is a nicotine addiction I haven't been able to kick. Any tips on how I might be able to do that without taking medicine? I am still in need of some music so please feel free to send me some song ideas. I would love to hear from you all. Thanks for your lovely reviews and adding my story to your alerts! You all give me the encouragement I need to continue writing this story even when it's hard to keep going on a personal level. Song for this chapter-"Believe"-Staind
"Bella?"
I stood up as Jan called my name, and walked into her office. I plopped down on her couch, and folded my legs underneath me. She sat across from me in her big comfy looking chair, and opened my file. After a couple of minutes she looked up at me with a warm smile.
"It's been awhile. How are you doing?" She asked. I blew out a long breath, and shrugged. "Obviously not great since I'm here. I was trying to get through this on my own." I replied. "You suffered through a tragedy, Bella. There's nothing wrong with needing help to get through that." She said, patting my leg.
"I know, but I was really trying to do it on my own. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, but I can't. I went back to some old methods of self destruction and I'm still struggling with that; so I figured it was better to come here." I explained. "Why don't you tell me about that?" She suggested.
"Well, first I cut myself open a few times, and then I starting abusing pain pills again. I still want to cut myself open, and I still want to use the pills. I can't do either because if I cut I'll be admitted into the nut ward, and if I use the pills Edward will leave me. Oh, and then I beat the shit out of Jacob's car and practically broke my hand." I explained quickly. "He doesn't get that the cutting is a way of releasing the pain, and the pressure inside of me. He doesn't get that the pain pills keep me from getting angry and mean all over again. He doesn't understand that I'm unraveling at the seams." I continued; feeling the anger bubble up inside of me.
"What are you so angry about, Bella?" She asked softly. "You saw me in the hospital. Why do you think I'm angry?" I snapped. "I think you want to believe you're angry with Jacob, but we both know that isn't true. So, why you don't tell me who you're really angry with." She suggested calmly. I wanted to slap that serene expression off her stupid face, but instead I got up and started pacing. The last couple of days have been rough. The anger was back in full force and I was snapping at Edward constantly. How he kept his cool I have no idea, and that just made me angrier.
"I'm mad at Edward." I snapped. "Why is that?" She asked. "Because. He's dealing with this better than I am. He's leaving me to go back to work when he knows I'm afraid to be alone. He doesn't fight back when I need him to. He won't let me take the fucking pills." I rambled. "On a scale of zero to ten, ten being the worst, how angry are you right now?" She asked. "Eleven." I responded quickly. "Okay, I want you to sit down, and take a few deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth."
I did as she instructed, and felt an infinitesimal difference. But hey, it was a start right? "Now, how about telling me who you're really mad at?" She asked. I glared up at her, and shook my head. "We both know you aren't really angry with Edward either. So, just think about it for minute and then tell me who it is you're angry with, and why." I knew the answer before she even finished talking, but I didn't want to say it out loud. If I said it out loud, she'd make me see reason and then where would I be? Lost. Still broken. Still hurting. She looked at me expectantly, and I sighed heavily. "Myself alright? I'm mad at myself because I let Jacob into our home that day. I invited him there and let him kill my baby and hurt me. I'm angry because I didn't fight back hard enough. I could've done something more and I just gave up." I explained quietly.
"You didn't let Jacob do anything to you. Yes, you invited him to your apartment because you thought he wanted to explain his previous behavior. There's nothing wrong with that, Bella. I've read the police report, and I have a copy of it right here. You had defensive wounds because you did fight back. You even managed to get your door open and scream for help. If you hadn't done that you would be dead. You did everything in your power to keep him from hurting you worse than he already had. There was nothing more you could have done, Bella." She explained.
"I should've fought harder." I whispered. "He outweighed you by at least a hundred pounds. I'd say you did pretty well for yourself." Jan retorted. "You're going to have to acknowledge that you did everything in your power to protect yourself and your unborn baby, Bella. You have to forgive yourself or the anger will always be there." She continued.
"How do I do that? How do I forgive myself for something I could have prevented?" I asked as tears started falling. "You couldn't have prevented that anymore than I can prevent the rain from falling. If you hadn't of invited him in that day he would found another way to hurt you." She replied handing me a Kleenex. "You don't know that." I sighed. "Yes, I do. You said he told he wanted you dead. That didn't just apply to that day, Bella. If he hadn't gotten to you that day he would have waited for another day to come along. He told the judge that he wouldn't stop until you were dead if he were released. That doesn't sound like a man who was willing to give up." She stated confidently.
"If you want to start healing from this you have to forgive yourself, Bella." She said after a few minutes of silence. "Have you been taking your medication?" She asked when I still didn't say anything. I nodded my head slowly. "Maybe we need to up the dosage. How's your anxiety?" She asked. "Not great, and I expect it will only get worse. Edward went back to work today so when I go home I'll be alone all day. The Ativan isn't helping as much as it should." I replied. "Okay, well let's up the dosage on the Zoloft, and try Xanax twice a day. I want to see you next week to see how it's working for you." She stated handing me a script.
I scheduled my appointment for the following week, and headed to the pharmacy. I felt better the minute I stepped out into the cold. I waited for my medicines to be filled, picking up a few odd necessities for the house, and then made my way home. My chest was tight and my breathing shallower before I even closed the door. I hung up my coat, and put up the things I'd bought. Then I went into the kitchen, and took one of the Xanax. To keep my mind occupied I started cleaning, though it didn't really need it. I dusted everything I could reach, and then grabbed a chair and started cleaning the ceiling fans. I vacuumed the carpeting, and swept and mopped the bathroom and kitchen. Then I grabbed the Windex and paper towels and starting cleaning all the windows and other glass surfaces.
Once I was finished I sat down on the couch, and tried to continue breathing normally. The Xanax was definitely helping, but I was still a little anxious. So, I decided to rearrange the cabinets in the kitchen. I started pulling everything out of the cabinets and a pill bottle fell onto the floor. I bent down to pick it up, and felt a sense of dread when I realized it was the Vicoden Edward had hidden. I took it into the living room, put it on the coffee table and went back to finish my task. An hour later I was finished, and went back into the living room. I sat on the edge of the couch, eyeing the bottle of pills. I reached for the bottle, and then pulled away quickly. I would not give in. I would not give in. I would not give in! I jumped and ran to get my phone to text Alice. I needed somebody here to stop me and who better than that bossy little pixie?
You busy? I really need somebody here with me.-B
I sat there staring at the pill bottle, biting my lip until my phone chirped.
I'm on my way.-A
I sighed in relief, and sat back against the couch; still eyeing the bottle. I only had to hang on for a few minutes. Alice didn't live that far away. I could do this. I would not give in. I jumped up from the couch and started pacing the floor. I just had to keep my mind busy. I could do that. Right? Fuck me. I bit my lip, and kept pacing back and forth. The second I heard her knock I was running to the door. I swung it open, pulled her inside and closed the door.
"Hide them!" I exclaimed, pointing to the table. "How did you find them? You didn't take any did you?" She asked grabbing the bottle quickly. "I was antsy so I started cleaning out the cabinets in the kitchen and they fell out. No of course I didn't take any that's why I texted you." I replied plopping down on the couch. She waddled out of the room, and came back a few minutes later, sitting next to me.
"I'm proud of you, Bella." She said with a smile. "You know how badly I wanted to take about three of those?" I grimaced. "But you didn't. That's the important thing. How was your session with Jan?" She asked.
"It was alright I guess. She upped the dosage on the Zoloft, and put me on Xanax twice a day. I already took one, and it helped for the most part. I think I was kind of working myself up more than necessary though. She says I need to forgive myself in order to really start healing from this whole mess." I explained quickly. "She's right. You'll never get over it if you keep on hating yourself for something you couldn't control." She stated.
"Okay Dr Cullen." I huffed, rolling my eyes. Her tinkering laugh resounded through the apartment and I couldn't help but to smile. "Thanks for coming to my rescue." I said quietly. "Eh, what else am I good for these days? I can't even take you out to a club to go dancing or drinking. Might as well keep you from having any fun at all." She said with a smirk.
"You're pregnant, Alice. You aren't supposed to be at clubs." I replied with a laugh. "Yeah, yeah. The minute I have this baby you better have me a big shot of tequila waiting." She giggled. I laughed loudly and shook my head. "You're such a lush. Wait til I tell everyone." I teased. She laughed again and sighed contentedly.
She stayed for about an hour, and then headed to home to Jasper. I headed into the kitchen to find something to make for dinner, and decided on spaghetti. I took out a big pot, filled it with water and put it on the stove to boil. Then I took out a package of hamburger and put it in the microwave to defrost. Once the water was boiling I added the spaghetti noodles, and turned on the burner to fry the hamburger. Then I went into the fridge and pulled out the ingredients for a Caesar salad. I chopped the romaine lettuce up, added the cheese and fresh ground pepper, and then the dressing. I tossed the salad and put it back in the fridge to stay cold. I was draining the grease off the hamburger when Edward walked into the kitchen and kissed my head.
"Alice called me. I'm proud of you, love." He murmured. "You guys act like I did something heroic." I mumbled draining the noodles in a different strainer. "You fought your addiction. That's something to be proud of, Bella." He replied quickly. I put the noodles back in the pot, added the hamburger meat and sauce and mixed it all together. Edward set the table, and I dished up our plates. I grabbed the salad from the fridge and we sat down to eat.
After dinner we did the dishes together, and took a shower together to conserve water, of course. We made love in the shower, and then again once we were in bed. I could not think of a more perfect way to end a bad day.