Chapter 36- Welcome to My World
True to his word, at the end of the shift he returned to again frown and grumble about how things were not progressing as he wanted them to and how the whole damn encounter was a catastrophe and that led to kvetching about Romulans in general. Through it all I said nothing, thinking it best to just let him vent in the hopes it would make for a better outcome for me. Eventually it did-sort of. He reluctantly agreed to let me go under the condition that I page him directly if anything went wrong and I had to agree to allow him to check up on me at his discretion and administer medication as he saw fit. The last bit seemed a bit too close to coercion, but if I declined I knew it would be another night in sickbay for me. It was blackmail, but I wanted to be in my own quarters more than I wanted to preserve my independence and rights as a patient.
Standing up was the worst. As my abdominal muscles stretched, they felt like tight rubber bands that had to further elongate and the pulling sensation was almost sickening, but at the same time I tried not to show it too much because McCoy might rethink his offer. I was reasonably sure he knew, but wasn't that to be expected? Thankfully, I found that the more I walked the better it got as everything resettled into its proper configuration and proportion.
"You know, you were kind of lucky." McCoy informed me as we slowly walked toward the lifts. "I don't know if Chekov knew what he was doing, but his weight on the wound was enough pressure to stop the bleeding. That alone probably saved your life." The truth was, I didn't know why he did it. It may have been an accident, he may have just fallen that way when he was shot, or he may have been trying to protect me from the incoming fire and that last thought disturbed me a little. It was one thing for him to do his job, but quite another to use his own body as a shield to spare me any more damage. I made a mental note to talk to Jim about it.
I hadn't seen my own quarters in over two months, but it was just as I had left it except for a box that rested on my desk. "Uh…you don't have to open that now." McCoy said nervously. "It can wait for later. Right now you should probably just rest." Of course all that did was pique my interest because by the tense quality of his voice, I knew he had something to do with it. Intrigued as I was, I let it slide and gracefully took the hypo of pain meds in the neck so he could go about his business. I smiled as he left with one last wary glance; I was convinced the medicine was more for his own comfort than mine, but at any rate his paranoia would bring him back around soon.
Rest would have to wait, what I wanted most was a hot shower. It felt better than usual to be clean and rid of the permeating sterile smell of sickbay. I ran my fingers over the chaotic mess of interwoven pink scar lines that crisscrossed my stomach. It was the first time I actually had the courage to look and I was glad I didn't before. If that was what was left after it had been repaired, I couldn't have imagined what it looked like open. While I should have been angry or frightened at what had been done, I wasn't. I felt nothing in particular about it just as one may not think twice about a paper cut and it was then I understood how the away team felt.
On some level you could overlook the scars you accumulated because it is part of the job. The comfort did not lie in the fact that you survived, it was that you were not alone. Pavel's words began to make sense- the crew all depended on each other because survival out here was a group effort. Sometimes you stumble and fall, but you know someone will be right behind you to help you up and carry you along until you could walk on your own again. No one was keeping score because you could very well be the one to step in when duty called.
I put on pajamas and couldn't resist any longer, I had to open the box. Inside was a simple black frame that contained my certificate from Starfleet Medical. I shook my head at "Morgan Collins-McCoy" and thought I could never hang it in the office because it would create too many questions. The bridge crew knew the whole story and would find it funny, but the rest of the ship wasn't privy to Jim's red tape acrobatics and it was perhaps better to keep it a secret for his sake. A note at the bottom of the box read: "Congratulations on becoming legit. Now you can officially tell people they are fucking insane! –McCoy."
Like he didn't enjoy telling people that himself.
The door chimed and called for them to enter; I didn't feel like walking to the door and it would probably take too long anyway. My face radiated joy when Jim casually strolled in with his lopsided smile, blue eyes sparkling. When he got close enough I gave him an enthusiastic hug, causing him to laugh. "Whoah…ok!" He chuckled patting me on the back. His deep voice resonated in his chest. "Glad to see you too. Bones told me he finally let you go. I just wanted to come down and see how you were." When I let him go, he was blushing slightly and I found it funny.
"Jim, you have no idea how relieved I was to see your face when you answered the distress call." I admitted. "It was like the heavens opened and the angels sang. I knew then that we had a real chance of surviving."
He smiled and folded his arms. "Well, it wasn't all me. You held them off long enough for me to get there. So," he said lowering his voice to a serious tone, "how did being a Captain feel?"
I shook my head slowly remembering the experience. "I was scared to death. I don't know how you do that job every day. I wasn't at all ready. I never wanted to be anything other than storm trooper #10 and suddenly I find myself responsible for the lives of people I didn't know. I didn't have a clue what I was doing."
"But you did." He stated flatly. "What I saw on the other end of that link was someone who was completely in control and taking command with absolute authority even though you thought Bones was dead. What I saw was someone who put aside her own feelings in the name of duty and was thinking like a Starfleet officer to save the ship and the crew."
"What can I say?" I scoffed. "I am a convincing actor because that was not what I was feeling. I was terrified."
"I am too." He admitted looking me straight in the eye. "Every time we get into a fracas a part of me is scared that I won't be able to do it, that I will make the wrong decision and people will die. But you have to feel fear, because if you don't it means you don't care about what happens to your crew and I never want to stop caring." His eyes hardened fractionally and I did not doubt for one second the devotion he felt for his crew, of which I was now one. "Collins, that is why I asked you to join Starfleet. I knew you had it in you to be a great officer. I know you don't think so, but I could tell from the way you took your job so seriously that you would have the dedication it took to pull it off. And was I wrong?" He asked raising his eyebrow with a smirk. "I don't think so. How was the Academy, anyway?"
I gave a desperate laugh. "It was without a doubt the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I actually thought about just walking away." I confessed a bit ashamed.
Jim gave a knowing smile. "So why didn't you?"
"Because of you and the crew." I replied. "You, McCoy and especially Spock stuck your necks out for me to get me in. I had a feeling a letter of recommendation from Spock did not come easily and should not be taken lightly and leaving would be spitting in all your faces. That kept me there at first, but the more time passed and I saw how important this ship is and how people look up to you and dream of serving onboard, I realized how lucky I really was to have you all as friends. I saw the caliber of professionalism that I wanted to be a part of so I stuck it out even when I was sure I wasn't going to make it."
"I hear your graduation was nice." He slyly smiled. "Most of the crew didn't get one because we were all called up, but McCoy said it was tastefully done." I smiled sarcastically at him, remembering how he sort of lied to me about McCoy's whereabouts to cover for him. "But seriously, Collins, what you did for him was great." His eyes became soft and he smiled faintly. "I don't think there is anything in this universe that he would have wanted more. You were a good friend to go toe toe with the ex."
"She's really not as bad as you would think." I shrugged even though I knew he would never believe it in a million light years. "But as for McCoy and I, I suppose as the Captain you must know." He straightened somewhat and a smile slowly crawled across his face in anticipation. I sighed heavily because he was just enjoying this too much. "We are sort of seeing each other, but it won't interfere with our respective duties."
Jim let out a laugh from deep in his belly and he covered his face in relief. "Jesus! It's about fucking time!" He exclaimed. "You guys were seriously killing us. I thought Chekov was going to break down and cry under all the pressure. What took so damn long? I did everything I could to make that happen. I was thinking about making you two face each other and duct taping you together until something happened!"
"What do you mean you did everything you could?" I asked suspiciously.
His eyes twinkled with mischief. "Hello! Domestic partners? I sent him with you to Chicago, although Chekov kinda threw a wrench into those plans. I didn't have to put you in the same office. Scotty told me there was a good sized empty space behind a panel down the hall that he could have converted, but I didn't. Do you think that dinner with the brass was an accident? I invited them so you would have to hook up with Bones. Scotty, Spock and I all suffered so you two might finally admit that you were attracted to each other. Sharing his quarters was not my doing, but I would have thought of something if I thought it would have helped move things along! Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov were all dropping hints. Hell, even Spock was growing tired of the illogical way the two of you were stubbornly refusing to just let go! Spock, Collins! He doesn't get involved with anyone's business but even he could see that you had feelings for Bones, and that dude would rather die than admit to identifying with emotions."
"Spock." I muttered in disbelief. I would have to have a talk with him about this.
"Yeah, it was a thing of absolute fucking beauty to watch him casually drop the fact that you liked Shakespeare into a conversation right in front of Bones, which was perfect because I know he studied that crap at the Academy even though he tried to hide it from me. I am telling you he didn't even bat an eye while he watched him take the bait. I know you told me he was a lot more devious than he lets on, but damn!" He laughed. "He was so smooth it was like it was effortless. The Vulcan has mad skills!"
"Only because he is also human." I groused, although it was nice to see that he was learning to utilize his human abilities when he saw need for them instead of dismissing them out of hand. You always had to be on your toes with Spock.
"Anyway, I am happy and the rest of the crew will be too. It's about time he had someone to look after him…you know…in ways that I just can't. Just don't forget what I told you." He warned with a wry smile.
"Yes, that is always in the back of my mind." I affirmed. Always.
"Good. Now Bones tells me you will probably be ok to return to duty in a week or so. Will you?" he asked with an intense look in his eyes.
"I guess, if that is what he says." I answered. "I'm not the doctor, he is."
"No. I mean…" He tapped the side of his head with his finger and bit his bottom lip.
"You want to know if I am crazy." I said with some amount of distaste. "It is pretty hard to diagnose yourself. After all, do crazy people know they are crazy?" He looked away and seemed to ponder my rhetorical question. "I don't think so."
He looked back to me and sighed. "Bones will have to do your psych eval, but if you say you are fine I will believe you. I just thought that maybe it would have caused some problems for you what with the history you and Saren had and then everything they did to you." His voice was quiet as though he were speaking during a funeral and he seemed very uncomfortable. "It would only seem natural to maybe…you know…need some time or something."
If McCoy was no good at psych stuff then Jim was certainly no better, but despite his hesitant and halting speech, his concern for my well being came through and I smiled. "Saren is gone, thanks to you." I commended. "I am not going to lie and say I will be 100% fine down the road because I don't know. What I do know is that I survived because you came and fought the Romulans, Pavel got me off the ship, and McCoy worked a medical miracle. If I do develop problems, I know I have support just as I did then." I took the opportunity to tell him about Pavel and what exactly he did to get me off the ship, being sure not to spare any detail.
He gave a serious nod and reluctantly asked, "What made you get on that warbird knowing what they would do to you?"
"I didn't know." I admitted. "I didn't know they were going to stab me." I couldn't bring myself to say the word 'torture' although that was what happened. I just couldn't really face that, it was easier to think of it as being beaten up. "But I did it because I thought the crew had the best chance of survival with McCoy, and…" I wasn't really comfortable with what was next, "I…"
"What?" He asked quietly leaning forward to better hear. "You what?"
"You thought McCoy was dead once. I couldn't make you go through that a second time." I rephrased. "It was better me than him." Jim shifted his weight and lowered his eyes. He couldn't deny it, McCoy's death would have been harder for him to take than mine. It was understandable though, and I knew it wasn't because he didn't care about what happened to me. "But hey, we avoided all that, right? You got your win-win."
He gave a dead smile, but deep down he knew that someday it wouldn't end so well. His lucky streak couldn't last forever and sooner or later he would have to lose.