Total Drama Returns
The Cheesebub's Message: First of all, there's a new magic review number. So keep the reviewing strong, guys, and you could very well be that magic review number and win your selection of an assortment of prizes. These prizes include getting to design your own episode, getting an OC included somewhere in this story, or getting one spoiler question answered (As long as it is not asking who wins Total Drama Returns). Okay, second, I've noticed that you can add an image to represent your story in that little box thingy. I'm not sure what I should do, but I was thinking of making a logo for Total Drama Returns. If anybody knows how to make a Total Drama logo, and would like to teach me how, that would be great. Also, as you may or may not be able to see, this is the longest chapter I've ever written for Total Drama Returns. Hopefully it doesn't feel too long, but it probably will. But it's a pretty dramatic chapter, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Oh yeah, and there's a new poll question up. Okay, onto the review responding:
StylishFashionista—Why, thank you. Thanks for the review!
ChloroFax—Glad you liked the chapter! Glad you thought it was worth the wait. So you think you won't like the next elimination? I can't say for sure if you will or if you won't… you'll just have to see! Thanks for the review!
somebody and Guest (assuming you're the same person)—Thanks! The merge is coming very soon, on Day 13, in fact. Thanks for the review!
ChibiRox—Yipes. Sorry the last chapter was confusing for you. I hope this one makes a little more sense. Thanks for the review!
peacelovebackstroke—Yeah, I once forgot my password, too. That really sucks. I'm glad you like the directions I'm taking Beth and Katie in, as well as Trentney. Hopefully you don't scare your dogs too much . Thanks for the review!
Cottontop—Thanks, man. It's good to be back. Best author ever? Aw, shucks. That's definitely not true, but thanks anyway. Glad that you're warming up to Trent, although you may not like him anymore after this chapter. That's okay that you're not a fan of Trentney, but I warn you, this chapter is heavy on it. Disturbingly heavy on it. Luckily, I had no technical problems with this chapter, so I was able to get it out quicker. But saving it on a USB drive would probably be a good idea :P. Anyways, thank you for reviewing!
TotalDramaKingdomHearts—Thanks, and I'm glad to be back, too! Thanks for reviewing!
THE-BANNED-AUTHOR—I like the new name. Anyways, Trent stoops to an even lower low in this chapter, and if you like Nizzy, you'll probably like this chapter. Maybe. Anyways, thank you for the review!
Yman—Thanks! I feel like the drama is heating up too. So, Lindsay or Beth? We'll see, we'll see. Interesting prediction. Thanks for reviewing!
dreamerniss—It seems most of my readers really like Nizzy, which is good. Thanks for the review!
NerdyBARISTA—First of all, congratulations on becoming assistant manager! I'm glad you still found time to review my story, even with your busy schedule. Yeah, I hate my computer so much now. Glad that you're looking forward to the big betrayal, because it's gonna be pretty intense. Thank you for reviewing!
Day 11 Part 3—Chapter 36: Rolling off the Deep End
Chef: Ahh… (He sits back, relaxing in his couch in the middle of the woods. Propping his feet up on an intern, the cook looks forward at the TV in front of him, which is playing Hannah Montana.)
Chef: This is the life… time to myself, relaxing, in the great outdoors… watching a show about a slutty pop star who changes hair colors every five minutes… nothing could be better! (He leans back, yawning with content.) This is just what you needed, Chef. It's always about Chris, and what his fussy ass wants to watch! But now it's all about me. And I'm gonna watch me some Hannah Montana! No Wizards of Waverley Place for me. (As the show plays, Chef eagerly whips out a Hannah Montana wig and puts it on.)
Chef: Gotta get into character. (He shifts his weight until he gets comfortable, before relaxing his muscles and heaving a sigh of relief. Five seconds later, a giant glass ball comes crashing down in front of him, crushing the foot rest intern.)
Tyler: Hell yeah! We made it! The other team is left behind in our dust! Woo! Woo! Woo! (The rest of the Killer Redwoods walk over, grinning. Chef jumps up, his face red with anger.)
Chef: AND WHAT DO YOU BITCHES THINK YOU'RE ALL DOING?!
Bridgette (glancing over at the television screen): I'd ask you the same thing. What are you watching?
Geoff (staring at Chef's head): And why did you steal Lindsay's hair?
Tyler: Did somebody say Lindsay?! Where is she? (He squints his eyes and looks around.) I should've put my glasses on today… (His eyes widen in delight when he turns to Chef.) LINDSAY! (Yelling in joy, he breaks through the glass of the ball and lands on Chef's lap. He raises his eyebrows in surprise, and bounces up and down.)
Tyler: When did you get such firm thighs, Lindsay? (He smiles.) Oh! You must be trying to be like your boyfriend Tyler! I've got the firmest thighs in all of Canada. (He clutches Chef's face, and gazes into his eyes.) Oh, Lindsay, how I've missed you so… (He looks down at Chef's chest.) My, have your funbags gotten bigger? I didn't think that was possible! I guess dreams do come true. (He wraps his arms around Chef's neck.)
Tyler: I tell ya, what with all the stress of the challenges and DJ causing so much drama, I barely have any time for the woman I love! I need to look at you with my glasses on, so I can see your true beauty with the best of my eyesight. (He whips out Harold's glasses, and puts them on, staring straight at Chef. He does a double-take, before swallowing deeply.)
Tyler: Chef? (Chef confirms this by growling. Tyler chuckles.) Oops. Heh heh. I thought you were Linds—(Chef's fist slams into his face, knocking him off the cook's lap and onto the ground.)
Chef: I'm flattered with the comparison, but Lindsay aint got nothing on me. Now I don't know what you think you're all doin', but I've got a show to watch!
Katie: Wait a minute. Are you watching Disney Channel? Don't you think you're a little old for that?
Chef: We all have our guilty pleasures! I'm sure you got some creepy radish fetish or something of that such.
Ezekiel: My guilty pleasure is bathing in butter. You don't know decadence until you've had a butter bath, eh. (Everyone stares at him. He falls silent.)
Katie: You shouldn't be watching Disney Channel. You should be watching Food Network, or something that will teach you how to make your food not taste like sh**! Not some shallow, glitter-encrusted, crappy children's show for pudgy, insecure seven-year-old girls!
Chef: Hey, I was once that seven-year-old! But I watched Disney Channel, and I became the soldier I am today. Disney Channel makes dreams come true! Don't you hate! Now you. (He points at Tyler, who is getting up, wobbly and confused.) Get out of the way. You're blockin' the screen. And you're ugly. (He points at a random teenager on the screen.) Unlike him. Now that's a good looking young man. He'd make his parents proud. I'm proud of you, boy! (He salutes the television.)
Katie: Wait one second. Where's Chris?
Chef: *sigh*… Why can't you teens be more like the ones on Disney Channel? They don't ask questions. They just look pretty and talk like they're high on Novocain. They respect their adults! Unlike you bratty little boob-cakes who can't even tell their right hand from a square root! You've never had to work an honest day in your life! You've had everything handed to you on a silver platter! But not me. I had to rip off the fingers clutching that silver platter to get what I want! Then I had to rip off my own fingers, before stapling them back on! Don't say you've done work until you've done that. A dark future is approaching in America's youth. You can smell it in the air. It smells like Axe, and Sour Patch Kids!
Katie: All I did was ask one question!
Chef: And teens shouldn't ask questions! Cause that means I have to answer them, and that requires using jaw muscles I could be using for more righteous purposes! Like chewin' on Big League Chew. And I love me some Big League Chew. (He takes out a package, and stuffs his mouth full of it. He chews with content, making juicy sloshing noises. His mouth full of gum, he continues to speak.)
Chef: But it aint your fault. (He puts a hand on DJ's shoulder.) It aint DJ's fault he's got balls the size of two grains of sand! It aint DJ's fault he's been corrupted and misled by the idea that a man's assets are not of importance! But I tell you what. That needs to change. Teenagers need to be taught the right way! (He stands up on top of the couch.) They need to be taught strength! Honor! Dedication! The ideals of the Canadian people!
Geoff: *snicker*. (Chef glares at him.)
Chef: Why you laughin', boy?!
Geoff: Dude, I just can't take you seriously when you're wearing that wig. (Chef sits back down on the couch, frowning.)
Chef: Alright, that's enough. All of you are gonna stay here with me and watch some Disney Channel. Maybe if you see how real teenagers should behave, you'll rethink your actions! So gather around, and prepare to be educated!
Katie: But where's Chris? We just won the first challenge, and we'd like him to know that!
Chef: It don't matter where Chris is. It don't matter where the other team is. It don't matter where you is! All that matters is Disney Channel! Now gather around! (The Killer Redwoods look around at each other nervously. Nobody moves. Chef smiles grimly.)
Chef: Gather around, because if you don't, I'll add a laugh track to my life, just like in one of these shows; except the laugh track won't consist of laughs, it'll consist of your pained screams. (The Killer Redwoods quickly shuffle over.)
Confession Cam
Bridgette: Okay, what were we supposed to do? I actually feel really bad for Chef. He's so lonely in life. He needs a friend. (She stops herself.) But that doesn't mean that I'm willing to be his friend. (She chuckles.) No way. C'mon, I have standards! (She frowns.) Did that come out sounding really horrible? Maybe I should just shut up.
Ezekiel: I don't care what they say! I actually really enjoyed Disney Channel. I was able to take notes aboot teen culture, eh. (He holds up a rock with a bunch of scribbling on it.) Using these steps, I can complete my transformation into the teen superstar, Bieber Zeke! (He pats his swoopy hair fondly.) First of all, I need a pair of super tight skinny jeans. (The homeschool proudly holds up a pair of tight pink jeans with sparkles on the sides.) These are Katie's, eh. Aren't they great? Second, I need to become a master in the sacred move that can only be taught through years of practice. The hair flip. Here goes! (He whips his head to the right, and his forehead crashes into the wall next to him. He rubs his cranium in pain.) Ow. I think I just got a concussion, eh. Well, that completes step three! Lose all brain cells and become a robot slave to pop culture!
Tyler: Man, I really need to start wearing my glasses more often. Too many close calls thinking random dudes are Lindsay. (He holds up a mop in his arms, and smiles at it, stroking its top with his fingers.) Isn't that right, real Lindsay?
Katie: Chef? He's a f**king maniac. He's like a deranged cross-breed between Paris Hilton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Tupac! Where was Chris during all of this? And where are my skinny jeans? They all just disappeared.
Chef: Hannah Montana is an inspiration, okay?! She inspired me during the war. When my troop and I were down in a ditch, feeling hopeless, we just remembered these wise words. (He clears his voice, and starts to sing.) Nobody's perfect! I gotta work it! Again and again, till I get it right! NOBODY'S PERFECT! You live and you learn it! And if I mess it up sometimes, NOBODY'S PERFECT! (He stops singing, and wipes a tear away from his eye.) That song would always get us moving again. We won the war through that song. Hannah Montana is a superstar, a role model, but you know what else she is? She's a war hero. She deserves a medal to be placed on that ample, growing young bosom of hers! (He salutes the screen.)
End of Confessionals
Screaming Ivy
(Meanwhile, Noah is still atop the cube, trying to fit the vine around the tenth of it that is still sticking out of the quicksand.)
Gwen: Hurry, Noah! There isn't much time!
Courtney (calling out to Noah at the same time): It's impossible! You'll never be able to do it! (Noah finally gets the loop of the lasso around the cube, and grins.)
Noah: Oh really? (He jumps down, and holds out the end of the vine.)
Noah: Okay, guys, everybody grab the lasso! We're going to pull together.
Courtney: Since when did you become leader of this team?
Noah: Since our previous "leader"… (He beckons to Trent.)… tried to leave one of our own players for the dead!
Courtney: Only after we left him for the dead back in the ditch!
Noah: We only did that after he left us for the dead back on the piranha platform!
Courtney: He only did that after you guys left him for the dead after he blew himself up!
Noah: We only did that after—(He stops himself.) Okay, so our team has done a lot of leaving for the dead. But now's the time to change that! This challenge is supposed to be about teamwork. We need to come together as a team!
Courtney: But—
Gwen: Why do you always feel the need to argue everything? Or do you just get off on hearing yourself speak? (This shuts Courtney up. Gwen turns to Noah.) Okay, Noah, you ready to do this? (Noah nods, and the two of them grab onto the vine, and start to pull. Beth joins in, followed by Courtney, who reluctantly grabs on as well.)
Noah: Okay, we may not be strong apart, but our combined strength should get the job done. And PULL! (The four of them all start to pull on the vine as a hard as they can. The cube stops sinking, but doesn't rise any. Everyone continues to tug, but no progress is made.)
Gwen: Beth, where's Lindsay? We could really use her help!
Lindsay: I'm pulling as hard as I can! (Everyone turns and sees her tugging on Trent's arm, with the musician still tied to a tree.) This vine is impossible to tug on!
Trent: OW! She's dislocating my arm!
Noah (smirking): Actually, keep doing that, Lindsay. (Ignoring Trent's scowl, he turns back and continues to hold onto the vine. However, even with their combined strength, the cube is beginning to sink again. Noah digs his feet into the ground, but it still doesn't stop the four of them from being dragged closer and closer to the quicksand pit.)
Gwen: Noah, I hate to say this, but we're going to have to let go!
Noah: No! We can't!
Gwen: We have to! It'll be no good if any more of our team members are harmed!
Noah: Even Trent?
Gwen: Well, I don't consider him part of our team anymore. (The cube has now completely disappeared below the quicksand, and the vine is being sucked at rapid pace into the center of the pool. Beth finally lets go, gasping for breath.)
Beth (breathing heavily): I'm… sorry, guys. I can't… hold on… anymore. (Courtney and Gwen also let go, leaving Noah holding on by himself. He digs his feet into the ground as hard as he can, but he is still pulled closer and closer to the edge of quicksand. Finally, before the last of the vine is sucked in, he releases his grip, tumbling backwards. The end of the rope vanishes into the ground and the quicksand smoothens over after it, like nothing ever happened. There is a long silence, as everybody stares in shock at the quicksand pit. Finally, Lindsay speaks.)
Lindsay: Are we playing the silent game? Because I'm REALLY good at that! One time, I… (Noticing everyone glaring at her, she stops talking. As everyone stands still, Trent pushes his way out of the vines tying him to the tree. He walks over to Noah, who is kneeling on the ground, his eyes empty, and places a hand on the know-it-all's shoulder.)
Trent: Listen, I—(Suddenly, Noah whips around and punches him across the face, making a hollow cracking sound that explodes through the silence. His eyes filled with tears, Noah walks away, to go lean against a tree. Trent stands there, in complete surprise.)
Trent: What… what have I done? (Meanwhile, Courtney is wiping sweat away from her forehead when Beth walks up to her.)
Beth: Well, your boyfriend's finally done it.
Courtney: He's not my boyfriend!
Beth: Whatever he is. You might as well just throw in the towel, because even if they do find out that I lied about the duel, do you really think anyone will join your cause after this? You shouldn't have aligned with Trent, but now that you have, it's over for you. (She grins evilly, imitating Courtney.) You may be in the big leagues, Courtney, but you've got too many pars to score a touchdown.
Courtney: Okay, I admit you have the upper hand now, but if you're gonna do a baseball metaphor, at least know what baseball is!
Beth (shrugging sheepishly): Sorry, I'm not really a sports person. (Meanwhile, Gwen stands at the edge of the quicksand, reading poetry from her journal.)
Gwen (reciting): Family passes on, like flowers in a storm,
Death is a burden, destroys all that is warm,
The fire moves on, with the strength of a single coal,
Trent is a f**king tool he needs to die in a hole.
Rest in peace, Izzy.
(She stops, and puts away her journal. As she stares forward at the quicksand pit, Izzy walks up beside her, grinning.)
Izzy: That was beautiful, Gwen.
Gwen (sighing): Well, it needed to be said. (She doesn't look over at who she is talking to.)
Izzy: You were fond of Izzy, weren't you?
Gwen: I wouldn't say fond. But she just had this certain aura about her that was so powerful. She seemed so invincible. I didn't think she could just die like this.
Izzy: Yeah, that Izzy. Always so crazy. She had nice hair, wouldn't you agree?
Gwen: Um, yeah. Sure. Her hair was pretty.
Izzy: And her boobs. Now those were some pretty amazing things. I could've just played with them all day.
Gwen: What? No, I don't think about other girls that way.
Izzy: But don't you wish you could've just made out with her before she died? Just once?
Gwen: Wait a minute. (She turns and looks at Izzy.) Izzy?!
Izzy: Darn it! I was this close to getting a lesbian confession!
Gwen: What the?! Where did you come from? You're alive?!
Izzy: Ha! Of course I'm alive! Why wouldn't I be? (Suddenly, everyone else notices Izzy. Noah immediately jumps up and runs towards her. He slows down once he gets closer.)
Noah: You… you didn't die?
Izzy: Are you serious? I'm Izzy! I've been chopped into pieces, then had each of those pieces burned separately, and still come back to life! Actually that sounds like an average Tuesday. (The rest of the team walks over, with Trent staying slightly behind them.)
Izzy: Ah! All my friends! You all are here! (She looks around at each of them.) Noah, Gwen, Courtney, Beth, Lindsay, Lindsay's boobs… (She smiles at Trent, who shrinks away in fear.) And my good friend Trenton. Thought you had me, huh? But I'm back! WOOHOO! (She ecstatically kicks Trent in the crotch, making him keel over in pain. She smiles at him as he lies on the ground.) Fair enough payback, don't you think?
Courtney: Wait one second. How did you make it out?
Izzy: I don't think that's the question.
Courtney: Um, yeah, it is.
Izzy: No, I think the question is how you made it out.
Courtney: That doesn't even make sense! (She suddenly realizes Izzy has disappeared.) Where did she go? (Suddenly, from far away, they hear Chef yelling in anger.)
Chef: GET YO' DIRTY QUICKSAND ASS OFF MY COUCH!
Izzy (from afar): Make me! (There are then the sounds of bullets flying and Izzy cackling madly. The Screaming Ivy all look at each other.)
Noah (shrugging): Same old Izzy.
Trent: So she didn't die. That's a good thing. So I'm off the hook? (Everyone glares at him.)
Gwen: Once you're in Redemption Cabin, yes.
Trent: Listen, let me explain myself. When I tried to stop you guys from saving Izzy, I wasn't intending to kill her! I was just trying to throw the challenge! Because I hated the idea that I was the weakest link. Do you know what it feels like when everyone considers you the weakest link? You should know what it feels like, Noah. You were the weakest link on both the Screaming Gophers and Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot in not only physicality, but also social skills and writing content.
Noah: Not helping your case, Trent.
Trent: I just couldn't believe it when you guys abandoned me. I felt the only way to get back was through revenge. And in doing so, I endangered someone's life. Your girlfriend's life, Noah. Maybe it's because I didn't like the relationship you guys had. But you know what? I think I now "ship" "Nizzy". (He chuckles.) Get it? I'm trying to sound like one of those retarded superfans on Fanfiction. (Noticing Noah's scowl, he quickly continues.) But now all I want is one more chance to prove myself. One more chance to show that I'm not all bad. That I'm better than Duncan. Let me be the leader for just one more challenge. What do you say?
Lindsay: I think I need more lip gloss. (She starts frantically putting some more on.)
Trent: Sounds like a "yes" to me.
Gwen: Well, it's a no from me.
Noah: And me. And Beth. Right, Beth? (Beth looks frantically around, confused.)
Confession Cam
Beth: Suddenly, I was in another intense strategic situation! So I got a little flustered.
End of Confessionals
Noah: Right, Beth?
Beth: Um… I'm Beth.
Noah: Um, yeah. You're Beth. (He shakes his head, looking back at Trent.) No. You're done being the leader. I elect myself as temporary leader, at least until today is over. Anyone opposed? (Nobody, not even Courtney, raises their hand.) Alright, then. Well, let's move on to the next challenge. (Everybody walks off towards the finish line, leaving Trent by himself.)
Confession Cam
Trent: *sigh*… I get it. I blew it. And now it's only a matter of time before I'm voted off. (He looks down at the ground sadly.) And you know what? I think I'm ready to go. When Noah punched me, my life as a villain flashed before my eyes. And I saw so many things I'll never be proud of. The time I electrocuted Bridgette on her surfboard. The time I blackmailed Noah. And, more recently, the time I almost killed Izzy. I'm starting to realize all the horrible things I've done to people. Like you, toilet. (He strokes it.) I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the times I've used you. And you, window! All the times I've looked out of you! And you, floor! You shouldn't have to have me stand on you! ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS I'VE DONE!
Courtney: I'm going to distance myself from Trent for a while. Let him gather his wits again. Instead, I'm going to focus on turning everyone against Beth. First, I need to finish getting that lie out of Lindsay. No, Trent won't be going home just yet. I need him around for just a little while longer.
Izzy: I can't believe everyone thought I died! That's hilarious! You know, I once faked my death back in my hometown, just to see how everyone else's lives would go on. The mayor stopped wearing his bulletproof vest, for one. So did my parents. And my school teacher. And Paul McCartney, Steven Tyler, and Bon Jovi. Why does everyone feel the need to wear a bulletproof vest when they're around me? It really perplexes me. (She whips out an AK-47 and starts scratching her head with it as she thinks.)
End of Confessionals
(The Killer Redwoods stand awkwardly behind Chef, who is sitting on the couch, his eyes filled with tears as he watches the television. Reaching for a box of tissues, the cook pulls one out and blows his nose loudly.)
Katie (whispering to Bridgette): How much longer are we going to have to do this?
Bridgette (whispering back): I don't know. I'll ask Geoff. He snuck the TV guide from Chef. (She turns and starts whispering to Geoff.) Geoff, what's next after this?
Geoff (whispering back): Another seven hour marathon of Hannah Montana. (His eyes start to droop.)
Bridgette (whispering): No, Geoff, don't fall asleep! You don't know what Chef will do to you!
Geoff (whispering): But this is so boring, Bridge! And there hasn't even been a single cereal commercial!
Bridgette (whispering): There's been one for Trader's Joe's Cherry Almond Clusters.
Geoff (whispering): I don't consider that a cereal. I consider that a form of wicked dark art bent on destroying one's taste buds. (He starts whispering to DJ.) How you holding up, buddy?
DJ (whispering): Tired, man. If somebody gave me a teddy bear, I think I might just pass out right now.
Geoff (whispering): Well, stay awake, man. Do it for the alliance. We don't want any of our members dismembered. (DJ nods, and turns to Tyler.)
DJ (whispering): How are you, Tyler? (Tyler snarls at him.)
Tyler (whispering loudly back): I think you need to watch what you say, DEE-JAY!
DJ (whispering): All I asked you was how you were! Why are you hating on me so much all of a sudden?
Tyler (whispering): Sure, sure. You know what you did, DJ. I know what you know did. Your momma knows what you did. And what you did is something you really shouldn't have done! Your actions have a price, DJ, you must remember that.
DJ (whispering): What do you mean?
Tyler: You know what I mean. You mean what I know! (With that, he turns away from a perplexed DJ and turns to Ezekiel, who is watching the TV intently.) You holding up well?
Ezekiel (whispering back): Yeah, I'm fine, eh. Just takin' notes.
Tyler (whispering): Here. Ask the next person if they hate this show like the rest of us do. (Ezekiel nods, and starts whispering into the ear of the person next to him.)
Ezekiel (whispering): What do you think of this show? Do you hate it like the rest of us?
Chef: No. On the contrary, I LOVE IT! (Ezekiel suddenly realizes he is whispering into the ear of Chef Hatchet.)
Ezekiel: Oh. Heh heh. M-me t-too. Heh heh. (As Chef stands up, he backs away.) It was THEM! (He points at the rest of the Killer Redwoods.) They were the ones hating on the show, eh! I loved it! I could sing "Best of Both Worlds" by heart! Don't kill me! I'm Bieber Zeke! I'm a superstar! (Chef looks at the six Killer Redwoods, his eyes narrowing.)
Chef: You ungrateful little brats. I give you the joy of education! And you soil it! SOIL IT! (He pounds his fist into his hand.) WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELVES?! (While everyone shrinks away in fear, Katie stands her ground.)
Katie: What I have to say is that I think you're the biggest teenager of them all, Chef.
Chef: No I'm not! Do I LOOK like a teenager to you?!
Katie: Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside, you are. You're hormonal, you whine, and you feel the need to be angry at the world because nobody accepts you. I get it.
Chef: That's not how it is at ALL! You don't know me, bitch!
Katie: Oh, I know some things. I just spent the last three hours with you, while you sobbed your heart out watching an obviously staged piece of sh** of a show about mixing the everyday stresses of teen life with ultimate superstardom. I know you, Chef. (Chef starts to stutter, sweating. He looks around at everyone.)
Chef: I… you… (He looks over at Screaming Ivy, who have just arrived.) All of you get away from me! Stay away! I want all of yo asses outta here! (His jaw starts to shake.)
Noah (raising an eyebrow): Wow, Katie, what did you do to him? I've never seen him like this! So weak, fragile… like he could be blown over by the slightest touch.
Chef: SHUT UP, TURKEY! (He rips off his cook hat, and hurls it down onto the ground.) Stop entering my heart, goddamit! My heart's MINE! (His face is now bright red, streaked with tears.)
Geoff: Dude, it's all good. Everybody has those days. Everybody makes mistakes. (Chef looks up in surprise.)
Chef: You… you remember the lyrics? To "Nobody's Perfect"?
Geoff: Dude, I just watched that show for three hours. I gotta pick up some knowledge. (Chef's eyes soften, and he stops hyperventilating.)
Chef: Then… then my work here is done! I have purpose! I HAVE PURPOSE! (He then collapses on the ground in a sobbing, laughing mess. Gwen looks down at him, convulsing on the ground, and then looks up at the Killer Redwoods.)
Gwen (raising an eyebrow): We must have missed a lot.
Katie (smirking): Oh, just some Hannah Montana. Great show, really.
Confession Cam
Gwen: Wow. I thought I was the only one who could turn Chef into an emotional, shambled wreck. But I guess not. Well played, Katie, well played.
Katie: I guess you could say I took a leaf out of Gwen's book when I reduced Chef to tears. But I tell you, that's the most satisfying thing I've ever done. And now I'm on Chef's good side. (She grins mischievously.) I could use that to my advantage.
DJ: Man, I gotta figure out why Tyler's been giving me such a rough time! Is it my breath? Maybe it's my attitude. Or maybe my manners haven't been at their usual high standard. Or maybe Tyler's just an idiot. That's probably it.
Bridgette: It was so cute when Geoff soothed Chef by singing those song lyrics. Now that's the side of my boyfriend I want back! That was the genuine Geoff, right there. Maybe I won't break up with him tonight like I was planning to.
End of Confessionals
(The campers are now all standing around, waiting. Chef has gotten back up, and is leaning against a tree, watching them suspiciously.)
Gwen: Okay, so where's Chris?
Katie: Do you think we'd still be here if we knew? But what took you guys so long? We've literally been here for ages. (Trent suddenly steps out of the shadows.)
Trent: It was me. I tried to throw the challenge. My heart was filled with vengeance, instead of forgiveness. My team suffered a great blow to their morale, and I'm afraid that my selfish and impure actions have created a crack in this team that may be impossible to mend. Still, I look on to my inevitable elimination like one looks on at tsunami; you fear it, you hate it, yet you know there is nothing you can do to stop it, and in a way, you respect its silent, steadfast power. (Izzy walks over, and starts peering into his mouth. Trent looks at her strangely.)
Trent: What are you doing?
Izzy: Nothing. Just checking to see if you accidentally swallowed Alejandro.
Trent: What? These words are coming straight from my heart! I promise. (Gwen puts her hands on her hips.)
Gwen: Hm. Maybe I can gain some respect for you before you go.
Trent: That would mean the world to me, Gwen. Your approval is all that I've ever really wanted. (Katie stares at him oddly. Meanwhile, Tyler and Lindsay are standing next to each other, hand in hand, off to the side of the crowd.)
Tyler: Lindsay, I'm so glad I finally found you. There are way too many blonde people at this camp! But you're the blondest. I've really missed you, Lindsay.
Lindsay: Aww… I've missed you too, Tyler!
Tyler: I know you have, babe. (He suddenly senses someone standing behind him. His eyes narrow, before he smiles at Lindsay again.) Yes, Lindsay, this moment is truly magical. Nothing can ruin this moment. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, DJ?! (He whips around and lashes out with his hand. It smacks into Courtney's face.)
Courtney: Ow! What the hell was that for, you jerk?
Tyler: Sorry. I thought you were DJ. (DJ hears this, and walks over.)
DJ: What's going on here?
Tyler: Oh, you know what's going on, DJ.
Courtney: Tyler smacked me because he thought I was you! Now let me kill him! (DJ shakes his head at Tyler.)
DJ: Now you're smackin' girls? This has gotten out of hand, Tyler. Just tell me why you're holding a grudge, so we can work it out!
Tyler: There are thousands of reasons, DJ! For one, you're not a team player. You've never helped anyone on the team! NEVER! (This gets everyone's attention, and everyone falls silent as the Tyler and DJ continue to converse.)
DJ: Are you forgetting that I was one who rescued you when the ball fell into the thickets?
Tyler: Was that really you, DJ? Tell me the truth.
DJ: Yes, it was!
Tyler: Really?
DJ: Yes!
Tyler: Oh. Hm. (He is silent for a moment.) Well, look at your shirt! (He beckons to DJ's shirt, as if beckoning to some gross sewer animal.)
DJ: What about my shirt?
Tyler: Look at the logo. (He points to the "D" on DJ's chest.) Now, I may be a geometry expert, but I've never seen a shape like that! So what is it? Some figure straight from the very bowels of hell?
DJ: It's a "D"! As in D-J!
Tyler: A "D", you say? Care to tell us what a "D" is? (He looks around at the crowd, which has now formed a circle around the standoff.) The crowd would like to know.
DJ: It's a letter, Tyler!
Tyler: And what are these "letters" you speak of? Instruments of evil, wicked sorcery, perhaps?
DJ: No, Tyler. We use them to write words.
Tyler (looking around at the circle of people surrounding them): Does anybody else here understand this cryptic language this barbarian is speaking?
DJ: Tyler, this is ridiculous. Why can't we just settle this like normal people?
Tyler: Very well. We will FIGHT!
DJ: No, Tyler, I aint fighting you!
Tyler: C'mon, you big baby! Take me on! (He starts bouncing on his toes, making punching motions.) I'm ready, baby.
DJ: No!
Izzy and Courtney (chanting): Fight, fight, fight, fight…
Tyler: Hear that? The crowd wants this! (He starts raising his hands into the air, to get the rest of the campers pumped.) C'mon! Let me here all of you! (More and more people join in the chant, until everyone but Bridgette, Gwen, and Trent is chanting. Even Geoff joins in. Bridgette looks at her boyfriend, horrified.)
Bridgette: Geoff, that's your best friend right there! Why are you encouraging this?
Geoff: This is DJ's chance to prove himself to his girlfriend! (He beckons to Katie, who is standing off to the side, her arms crossed.)
Bridgette: DJ shouldn't have to prove anything! (Meanwhile, in the center of the circle, Tyler is now circling around DJ, bouncing around.)
Tyler: C'mon, DJ! Since you're so good at hurting animals, humans can't be that much different. Raise your fists and fight! (DJ slowly, shakily, raises his fists up. Tyler smiles.)
Tyler: There we go. (The crowd all fall silent as DJ and Tyler stand facing each other, both with their fists raised.)
DJ: Tyler, I really don't want to do this.
Tyler: It's too late for that. Now, excuse me for a second… (He takes out a piece of paper, and starts reading off of it.) DJ! The "D" stands for depraved, and the "J" stands for… I have no clue. Why don't any words start with J? Like seriously, J is an awesome letter! In my top twelve, certainly. Anyways, back to my speech. You have performed many sins during your time on Total Drama, DJ. You have shown arrogance beyond your years. You have literally obliterated a team from the inside out, until you were the last person standing. You have slaughtered countless innocent animals with next to no remorse. You didn't pass the salt at breakfast. All these sins are equally sinful, and they've added up, DJ. Now it is time for your reckoning. For all the horrible things you've done. I am your reckoning, DJ! In fact, I'm Total Drama's reckoning! I'm TYLER! (With that, he rips off his shirt, followed by his pants, and then lunges at DJ. However, right before he makes contact with the brickhouse, he is scooped up by two colossal hands and thrown backwards. The jock looks up from the ground, and sees Chef towering over him.)
Tyler: Hey, man, what was that for? We were about to fight!
Chef: Not on my watch. I can't be havin' you kids tearin' each other apart while I'm in charge. Then I don't get my paycheck! So put your pants back on. (He pats DJ on the shoulder.) You alright, son?
DJ: Y-yeah. I'm fine.
Chef: Good. Now, whenever you're in situations like that, you can always call on me, okay? And if I'm not around, just remember the words of Hannah Montana. They'll help you get through. (DJ nods eagerly. Chef turns to the rest of the campers.) The rest of you! I don't want any more of this fighting, okay? You can smoke pot, you can objectify women, but no more physical stuff. You got me? (Nobody speaks.) I SAID, DO YOU GOT ME?!
Izzy: Does shooting someone count as physical?
Chef: Yes, it does!
Izzy: Darn. (She puts down the gun she has trained at the cook's forehead.)
Confession Cam
DJ: I'm really thankful of Chef for stepping in right there. That was scary, man. I didn't wanna upset my momma by fighting, but I didn't wanna upset Katie, either, by not fighting. It all turned out alright in the end, at least. But the sooner Tyler's gone, the better. I do not wanna be sleeping in the same room as him tonight.
Tyler: Okay, you want to know the real reason I don't like DJ? I'll give you a hint. Season 3, Episode 8. DJ and Lindsay were the last two people on Team Victory. This might sound crazy, but I know that DJ was trying to make his move on Lindsay. They spent the night together in a pile of bananas in the middle of the Amazon! That says enough. My banana should be the only one Lindsay is munching on! And I intend to keep it that way.
End of Confessionals
Chris (over the intercom system): Attention, campers. Please all head over to the dock for your next challenge. And be prepared to be battered and beaten until your brain starts to ooze out of your head! Chris Mclean, out. (The intercom shuts off.)
Beth (looking over at Noah): What do you think he means by that? What do you think it could be a metaphor for?
Noah (as they walk in the direction of the dock): Actually, I'm pretty sure he just literally means we're going to have our brains beaten out of our heads.
Courtney: You shouldn't say that, Noah. If you're going to even try to lead this team, you need to keep a positive attitude. (They have now arrived at the beach, and she looks forward. Her jaw drops in horror.) Oh god, this challenge looks moronic.
Noah: Yeah? What's that you were saying about "positive attitude"? (He looks forward as well. Towering before them in the water close to shore is a giant circular platform, raised thirty feet above the water. On either side of the platform is a set of raised bleachers, one set with the Killer Redwoods logo on it, the other with the Screaming Ivy logo. Sitting on the platform are two giant glass balls as well. Chris stands in between these glass balls, grinning down at the campers on the ground.)
Chris: Welcome, my friends, to the Rolling Ball Arena! (He jumps down from the platform, and gracefully plummets downwards in the pose of a ballerina. However, he picks up too much speed, and he smashes into the ground face first, burying head deep in the sand. The host squirms around before he is able to free his head from the sand. Dusting himself off, he stands up.) Just pretend you didn't see that. So how did enjoy the first challenge?
Courtney: It was horrible!
Chris: You know, that really hurts my feelings. (He places a solemn hand on his heart.) As the host of the show, I strive so hard to create challenges that are fun, challenging, educational, and safe.
Noah: Okay, one, how in any way do you try to make your challenges safe?
Chris: Hey, the producers and I always make sure you're wearing the proper amount of sunscreen.
Gwen (rolling her eyes): Oh yeah, because when we're running from rabid moose we really care about getting sunburned.
Ezekiel: MOOSE?! WHERE?! (He whips out a machete.)
Chris: Put that thing away, Ezekiel. And sunscreen is very important, I'll have you know!
Lindsay: Oh. So that's why there are sometimes those strange men squirting me with white stuff!
Chris (looking away): Uh, yeah. Let's go with that. (Noticing the contenders staring at him in horror, he chuckles.) Just kidding! Geez, the producers wouldn't do that kind of thing to a contestant. Tom McGillis has standards.
Noah: Okay, and second, how was that last challenge educational?
Tyler: It taught us geometry, man! Shapes! (He points to the circular platform.) That's a triangle!
Noah: Geometry is not just shapes! It is proofs, cosines, graphing, and—
Chris: Know-it-all nerds that really need to shut up when I'm talking! (Noah scowls, but stops speaking.) Now, might I ask who won the previous challenge?
Gwen: Don't you think the host should know something like that?
Chris: Hey, I was busy building this! (He places a hand on one of the support beams of the platform.)
Gwen: You didn't build that.
Chris: You know, that hurts my feeling, too, Gwen. You don't ever believe in me. You don't believe that I have the power to innovate.
Noah (tapping his chin): Actually, Chris probably did build that platform. The supports are extremely wobbly, not secured at all. He obviously didn't use any mathematical equations when trying to decide how it would stay upright. Really, it could topple over at any second. All in all, it has the architectural capacity of a five-year-old. So yeah, I believe that Chris could have built it.
Chris: Thank you, Noah, for believing in me. Unlike some people. (He glares at Gwen.) So, tell me, who won? I would just watch the replays of the previous challenge, but I feel like I can trust you guys to tell me the truth.
Katie: The Killer Redwoods won, Chris. (Courtney looks over at Katie, before smiling. She turns to Chris.)
Courtney: Um, actually, Chris, the Screaming Ivy won.
Katie: No you didn't! Stop lying!
Courtney: I'm not lying! Why would she accuse me of something like that? (She looks over at Chris.) Who do you think is telling the truth?
Chris (tapping his chin): Hm. I don't know. You're both beautiful girls. (Noticing everyone staring at him, he shrugs.) Not like that would affect my choice or anything. I think I'm gonna choose… Courtney!
Katie: WHAT?
Courtney: Ha ha! Yes! (Suddenly, Trent steps out of the crowd.)
Trent: I need to do what is right. I refuse to watch this injustice any longer. Chris, we actually lost. The other team pulled off a beautiful victory centered on my own ineptitude in serving my team, this game, and my heart. (He then retreats back into the crowd, leaving Courtney very confused. Chris raises an eyebrow.)
Chris: When did he become Mother Teresa?
Trent: Since I almost killed a girl. It was then that I took a deep look into my soul, and realized—
Chris: Okay, I didn't actually want you to tell me. So, the Killer Redwoods have won the first rolling ball challenge.
Bridgette: So if we win this one, then there doesn't have to be a tiebreaker?
Chris: Yeah, see, about that… I lied. The challenge you guys just did was actually a reward challenge!
Ezekiel (rubbing his hands together): Great. What's our prize, eh?
Chris: Good question, Ezekiel. But before I answer that, I must say, you're looking particularly gay today. How'd that happen?
Ezekiel: Well, Chris, you're looking at the next teen sensation, eh! I call myself Bieber Zeke, and I'm all about the ladies. But in the end, my heart's with the music. (Grinning, he tries flipping his hair, but the propulsion of doing so sends him toppling over onto his side.)
Chris: Must you always have a new obsession everyday? Whatever, I guess it's better than some of the other Ezekiels we've seen. So what was your question? Oh yeah, the reward. And the answer is… you guys already got it!
Katie: No we didn't! We didn't get any reward of any kind!
Chris: You got to watch Hannah Montana with Chef.
Katie: That's not a reward! That's a punishment!
Chris: You also got to have a deep, delving look into his tortured soul tarnished by years in a war that didn't exist. I don't know what more you could possibly want.
Katie: I want a reward that isn't complete **************!
Chris: Yeah, I think that might be asking too much. So now that we have completed our reward challenge, it's time for our immunity challenge. (He beckons to the platform above them.) As I have said before, that right there is the Rolling Ball Arena. That is where members of each team will go head to head in rolling ball duels. It's pretty simple really. There will be three rounds. Best two out of three wins. Now, you're probably wondering how rolling ball duels work. Well, I'll tell you. Right after I have a swig of Vitamin Water. (He takes out a bottle of Vitamin Water, and starts taking gulps from it. For a minute, he continues to drink. Once he's done, he wipes his mouth off and sighs with content.) I love Vitamin Water. It's a crisp, refreshing taste that's low in sugar but still tastes great and gives me all the nutrients I need.
DJ: You could try hiding your product placement for once.
Chris: You already said that back in chapter 32, DJ. But either way, I can try hiding it with new Oxiclean Laundry Stain Remover Spray! Makes the stains disappear. (He grins a blindingly white smile at the camera, holding up a container of laundry cleaning fluid, before turning back to the campers.) Okay… what was I talking about? Oh yeah, how the rolling ball duels work. One player will be placed inside each of the two glass balls, one from each team. However, unlike the previous glass balls, you can move freely inside of these ones. Just run, and the ball will roll with you. Here's Chef to demonstrate. (He points to Chef, who is standing inside a glass ball near the shore.)
Chef: Chris, man, you sure this is safe?
Chris: Chef, I would never make you do anything that would hurt you in any way. (He pauses for five seconds.) Except for this.
Chef: Then no way, man! I'm not doin' it!
Chris: C'mon, Chef! Don't be a chicken! (He starts flapping his arms, making chicken sounds. Chef sighs.)
Chef: Fine. Here goes nothing! (He starts to run. As he does so, the ball starts to roll, picking up speed until it is like Chef is running on a treadmill.)
Chef (looking over at Chris): Hey, man! I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I can't believe I'm—(Suddenly, he trips over his own shoelace, and falls face first inside the glass ball. However, the ball has picked up too much velocity, so his body is smashed around all over the place. He screams as the ball travels off into the distance, entering the woods. Chris giggles nervously.)
Chris: Yeah. Just make sure you don't trip. So, the two balls will then be placed on that platform. (He points to the large circular platform thirty feet in the air.) The goal is simple, really; try to knock the other person off the platform and into the water by rolling into them. Simple enough?
Izzy: Yeah! Let's go!
Chris: Unfortunately, Izzy, you and Tyler cannot compete in this challenge, as you competed in the last one.
Tyler: WHAT? No, man, that's weak!
Chris: That's the way it works. It has to be all new people you choose for this challenge. Each team will pick one boy, one girl, and one pair to go inside the glass ball together. So, start choosing, and then we'll get started! Oh yeah, one more thing. Are of any of you wondering where Cody is?
Noah: Hm? Cody?
Katie: Wow, I didn't even realize he was gone.
Chris: Yeah, well, he's in the infirmary after getting obliterated by land mines. Would any of you like to visit him? (Nobody speaks.) Okay then. Well, pay him a visit if you can. I certainly will. I hear he's been taking lots of pictures with that camera that Harold gave him. And if I know anything about Cody, those are pictures I want to get my hands on. I'll bring this. (He takes out a bunch of deodorant sticks.) Used women's deodorant. Cody's a good business man; I'm sure we'll come to a deal that benefits both of us. If he's not willing to make the deal that I want, I still have this as my secret weapon. (He holds up a chart sheet.) All the female contestants' medical information. I'm sure he'd be interested in that.
Gwen: Please don't share with us any more of your perverted bartering stories.
Chris: Fine, fine. I was just trying to teach you guys a few lessons in learning to use your money wisely. Okay, pick your people, and then we'll head on up to the arena. (Geoff quickly turns to his team.)
Geoff: Dudes, can I please be the male? This is something I'll rock at!
DJ: Go for it, Geoff. You got this.
Tyler (crossing his arms and pouting): I should be competing. How else will I impress Lindsay?
Geoff: Be really awesome on the sidelines. Then she'll be impressed. Take off your pants or something. Girls love that.
Tyler: Or maybe I can hurl a Gatorade container at DJ. That will show Lindsay who's the man!
DJ: Man, don't even! (Ezekiel, meanwhile, walks up and taps Geoff on the shoulder.)
Ezekiel: Um, Geoff? Maybe I… maybe I could come with you in the ball? We could be the pair, eh.
Geoff: Listen, Zeke… I don't think—(He looks over at Bridgette, looking at him expectantly.) Er, I mean, of course, man! Let's do this! (He holds out his fist, and Ezekiel stares at it. Geoff chuckles.) You're supposed to bump it, man.
Ezekiel: You really want me to bump your fist? What if I don't do it right, eh? What if you're not satisfied?
Geoff: Dude, it's a fist bump, not having sex. C'mon. (Ezekiel slowly, tentatively clenches his fist and presses it to Geoff's.)
Geoff: Alright! There we go! (He smiles over at Bridgette, and she smiles back.)
Confession Cam
Geoff: See? I have a tender side. And now that Bridgette saw that, she's sure to want to make out! Honey Bunches of Oats lip gloss, hear we come! (He starts putting it on.)
Ezekiel: Alright! Getting a fist bump from a cool guy like Geoff? Just another step on my way to becoming a teen superstar, eh. (He holds up his fist.) I can still the warmth of where his fist touched mine. (He licks his knuckles.) I can still taste where his fist touched mine too!
End of Confessionals
Noah: Okay, guys, who wants to volunteer themselves to die? C'mon, let's get some volunteers!
Courtney: Is this you trying to be enthusiastic?
Noah: It's a stretch for me.
Gwen: Well, if you're so enthusiastic, you can volunteer to be the male for our team.
Noah: Heh heh. Are you sure that's such a good idea? What about Trent? (He beckons to Trent, who is sitting over on the dock, his feet dipped in the water, staring at his reflection sadly.)
Courtney: He'd just throw the challenge. He's got way too much of a conscience right now.
Beth: And that's a bad thing?
Courtney: Yes it is. (Noticing everyone glaring at her, she shrugs.) What? This isn't a game where you're supposed to have remorse! So, Noah, looks like you're going up against DJ. (She points over towards the other team, where DJ is being convinced by Katie to go.)
Noah: What? I can't go up against him! He's double my size!
Izzy: I agree with Noah. I think we should choose whoever is closest to DJ's size. (She pats Courtney on the back.) Courtney, today's your lucky day!
Courtney: I'm not the same size as DJ! And I'm not a boy!
Izzy: Whoa. Really? Wow, the revelations continue.
Courtney: And besides, I was thinking Lindsay and I could be the pair for our team. (She puts her arm around Lindsay.) How does that sound, Linds?
Lindsay: Aw, do I have to compete? I'm blonde!
Courtney: Stop using that excuse! It makes no sense!
Lindsay: Being blonde is more difficult than you know, Courtney. The internal struggles that come from it are, like, really intense!
Courtney: Will you be my partner or not?
Lindsay: I guess. But if my hair gets messed up, I'm never trusting you again.
Beth (nervously): Um, are you sure you want to do this, Lindsay? Why don't you go with me?
Lindsay: Duh! Because Beth's my best friend! (She beckons to Courtney.)
Beth: She's not Beth! I'm Beth!
Lindsay: Silly Beth. Beth is Beth and she's Beth and Beth is my best friend.
Beth: Um… what?
Courtney: Okay, that settles it. If you want to compete so badly, Beth, you can be our solo female.
Beth: I don't know if that's such a good idea. I wouldn't be very good at this sort of thing. (Suddenly, Izzy comes up behind Beth, massaging the farm girl's shoulders.)
Izzy: Don't worry, Bethy Boy. Izzy can introduce you to the dark art that is the rolling ball. By the time Izzy is done with you, you will know balls like you've never known balls before. (Before Beth can protest, Izzy picks her up and slings her over her shoulders, walking away.)
Confession Cam
Beth: I do not feel comfortable with Courtney spending that much alone time with Lindsay. I mean, I'm not worried about the lie anymore, Lindsay's proven she can deal with that. But Lindsay's mind is very easily manipulated. If you tell her something, she tends to believe it.
Noah: So it looks like I have to go up against the brickhouse. Yay me. But you know what? Maybe I'm not as nonathletic as everyone says I am. Maybe I can prove that I am an athlete! (He stands up, determination in his eyes. He continues to stand there, not moving. Noah looks at the camera.) I think I just tore my spinal cord.
Bridgette: Unfortunately, I have to be the female representative for my team. All I can say is… I hope to god it's Courtney.
End of Confessionals
Rolling Ball Arena
Chris: Welcome to the Rolling Ball Arena! (The campers are now thirty feet in the air, sitting in either the Killer Redwoods bleachers or the Screaming Ivy bleachers.)
Chris: Don't you just love it up here? The breeze… You can just feel it rushing across your face… (He leans back, letting the wind blow his hair back. Suddenly, he is hit with a splat of white across his face. Chris looks up to a seagull flying off. He curses to himself as the campers burst into laughter.)
Chris: Fine! All of you laugh at me! But I'll have the last laugh. Okay, I need Noah and DJ, to center stage! (As Noah and DJ nervously climb down from the bleachers, they are both given pats on the back from their teammates.)
Katie (whispering to DJ): You better not be defeated by that scrawny wimp. (DJ just nods and chuckles nervously. As Noah walks by his row of teammates, Tyler suddenly appears standing before him, right before he makes his way onto the platform. The jock places two hands on Noah's shoulders.)
Tyler (whispering to Noah): You got this, my man. No fear. No relent. No compassion. All testosterone.
Noah: Thank you, but what the hell are you doing on our side? Where did you even come from?
Tyler: You really think I'd root for DJ? No, Noah, you gotta win me back my honor. Fight for your family! Fight for your future! Fight for all that is manly!
Noah: Got it. (Tyler's eyes fill with tears as Noah walks by.)
Tyler: That's a good man. (He looks out at the Screaming Ivy members scattered across the bleachers.) THAT IS A GOOD MAN! (He raises his hands to the sky.) LET ME HEAR A "WOOT WOOT"! (Gwen, Beth, Izzy, Courtney, and Lindsay all remain silent. Tyler goes again.) I'll try something else. LET ME HEAR A "GO NOAH"! (Still nobody speaks. Tyler slumps his shoulders, and walks up the steps of the bleachers until he reaches the top row. He then sits down next to Izzy.)
Tyler: I can't believe no one wanted to join in the chant. Back at my high school I was the leader of all the pep rallies!
Izzy: Well, I thought you were pretty good at getting the crowd fired up.
Tyler: Really? You really think so?
Izzy: Of course! And now that you're part of the Screaming Ivy, at least for now, here's your welcome gift.
Tyler: Awesome! A welcome gift? What is it? (In response, Izzy takes out a piranha, and stuffs it into his shirt. Tyler screams, and runs around as it squirms inside.)
Tyler: HELP! IT'S BITING MY NIPPLES! IT'S BITING MY NIPPLES! (He continues to run around until he trips over the seats in front of him, and goes tumbling down the bleachers from the very top row until he reaches the bottom, bruised and bloody. He then stands up, wobbling around. Chris sighs.)
Chris: Tyler, can we put you anywhere where you won't get injured?
Tyler: I'm not injured! On the contrary I've never felt more alive! (He yells over at Noah, who is now standing on the platform with DJ.) YOU GOT THIS, NOAH! NEVER SURRENDER!
Katie (from the Killer Redwoods side): Stop it, Tyler! You're making yourself look like an idiot! Now get back on our side!
Tyler: NO! They respect me over here. Unlike you guys, they actually care about what I have to say! They care about my feelings! (Katie looks over at Gwen, who shakes her head. Tyler is now yelling at Noah some more.) NOAH, REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU! I BELIEVE IN YOU LIKE A MOTHER BIRD BELIEVES IN HER OFFSPRING!
Noah: Yeah… I don't know that guy.
Chris: Don't try to deny it, Noah. Okay, Noah, DJ, it's time to get inside your glass balls. Chef! Care to help? (Grumbling, Chef walks over, wearing only a towel around his waist and a shower cap. He is still bruised from his experience with the glass ball.)
Chris: Why do you look like you're about to take a bath?
Chef: Because I am! The moment this stupid challenge is done, I'm gonna get me the biggest bubble bath yall ever seen. (As he says this, he walks over and grabs Noah. He then opens a hatch to the first glass ball, and stuffs the bookworm inside.)
Chris: No, Chef! You use too much of the water!
Chef: Well, that's just too bad, aint it? (He grabs DJ and stuffs the animal lover into the other glass ball.) And there better not be another power outage because of you usin' that big ass fan of yours to blow-dry your gay-ass hair.
Chris: Mr. Fan does more than that! Mr. Fan is my friend. Speaking of which… (He presses a button on his remote control, and a platform with a giant fan on top of it moves upwards and stops when it is level with the main platform. The fan points ominously at DJ and Noah.)
Chris: I forgot to mention. Each round there will be a twist. I'm sure you already know what happens when I turn it on.
Izzy (her eyes looking off into the distance): You're immediately lost in a paradise of wind-rushing lust. (She licks her lips.)
Chris (staring at her): Um, yeah. That's one use. How do you know so much about Mr. Fan?
Izzy: Mr. Fan and I were together for a year, after he helped me get Owen the win in season 1. I didn't see him after we broke up until just today during the previous challenge. And now all the memories are flooding back…
Chris: Well, back off! Mr. Fan is mine! I'm the only one who's getting blown tonight! Okay, that sounds really wrong.
Izzy (her eyes glinting): We'll see about that. (Noah is listening to all of this with a slightly jealous facial expression.)
Chris: Okay, anyways, here's the twist of this round. As you guys try to knock each other off the platform, Mr. Fan will be rotating around, randomly letting loose blasts of air that could very well send you straight into the lake. So that's something to watch out for. Ready to go?
Tyler: HELL YEAH!
Chris: I'm not talking to you, Tyler. I'm talking to Noah and DJ. (He beckons to the two of them, who are now at opposite of ends of the platform, wobbling uncomfortably. He calls out to them.) You guys ready?
Noah: I guess…
DJ: Sure…
Noah: Now I'm not so sure…
DJ: Neither am I…
Noah: Okay, I'm good now…
DJ: Me too.
Chris: Wow. What fierce, bloodthirsty competitors they are. Well, if you guys are ready… Chef, blow the battle horn! (Chef blows into a saxophone, making a squeaky dying noise. Chris is incredulous.) That's the battle horn?
Chef: Hell yeah! And I'm tryin' to learn the sax, so don't you hate.
Noah: That's Chef's life. Bubble baths and saxophones. The life of a true army veteran. (He chuckles at his own joke.)
Chef: Shut it, boy! You're supposed to be fighting already! (Noah turns and sees DJ wobbly rolling towards him. Noah screams, and tries to roll away. He starts rolling around the perimeter of the platform, as DJ rolls after him, going at about three miles an hour.)
Courtney: C'mon, guys! I WANNA SEE BLOOD!
Chris: Are you gonna yell that during every duel? Seriously, what is so fascinating to you about blood? There are many bodily fluids that are much more interesting.
Courtney: I don't even want to know what you mean by that, you sicko. (Meanwhile, the fan has come to halt, and lets loose a blast that sends DJ flying into Noah, knocking the know-it-all just inches away from the edge.)
DJ: Whoops. Sorry.
Katie: What are you doing apologizing? Go in for the kill hit! (But Noah has now moved back to the center, so it is too late for that. The fan shifts positions, and starts blowing straight at DJ, sending him straight past Noah and making him almost topple over the edge. The brickhouse is able to regain his composure, and rolls over to Noah, so that the two are now facing each other.)
DJ: I don't wanna hurt you, man.
Noah: I don't want to get hurt!
Chris (looking at the teams): Seriously? These were the "men" you chose to represent your teams? Weak.
DJ: Listen, how about we don't try to attack each other? Just see who can keep the fan from knocking them off.
Noah: Sounds good to me.
Courtney: Are you serious? This is pathetic! (But Noah and DJ move to opposite sides of the platform, not listening to her. The two then stand there, waiting for the next blast of wind.)
Tyler: Alright, Noah! Taking the estrogen approach! It's all good! (Meanwhile, in the bleachers, Courtney is fuming.)
Courtney: This is ridiculous. What a couple of pansies. (Then she sees Lindsay sitting by herself, and smiles.) Might as well try now rather than later. (She stands up, and walks over to sit down next to Lindsay. Once she's next to the blonde, she smiles.)
Courtney: Getting ready for the challenge, Lindsay? (Lindsay stares forward, not responding.) I said, getting ready for the challenge, Lindsay? (Lindsay continues to stare forward. Courtney scowls.) ARE YOU GETTING READY FOR THE CHALLENGE, LINDSAY?!
Lindsay: What? Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were talking to me.
Courtney: Well, I am! (She forces a smile and says.) You know, when I'm getting ready for challenges, I like to use meditation.
Lindsay: Really?
Courtney: Oh, yeah. Here, why don't we try meditating? Close your eyes… (Lindsay closes her eyes.) Now try to relax… (Lindsay lets out a deep breath.) Block out all sound…
Tyler (from down at the bottom row of bleachers): C'MON, NOAH! DON'T LET THE FAN GET THE BETTER OF YOU!
Courtney (yelling at Tyler): Will you shut it, you jock strap?! We're meditating here!
Tyler: No way! YOU'LL NEVER RESTRAIN THE BEAST THAT IS TYLER!
Courtney: Just quiet down! (She looks back at Lindsay.) Now, I find that meditating works really well if you think about a past experience. So I'm going to paint a picture for you… imagine it in your mind. (Lindsay nods, but then looks confused.)
Lindsay: Wait, so I forget. Do I imagine it in my mind, or do I mind it in my imagination?
Courtney (rolling her eyes): Whatever works best for you. So, close your eyes again. (Lindsay does so.) Okay… we're walking down a path. It's late at night. The moon is high in the sky. We're going to see a duel. Now, we arrive at the arena where this duel will take place. We enter. Now it's your turn. What do you see?
Lindsay: I see… I see an arena!
Courtney: Um, yeah. That's what I just said. Now, what else do you see? Or rather, who's there?
Lindsay: I'm there! There I am! Hi me! (She waves at midair, her eyes still closed.)
Courtney (rubbing her temples): Who else?
Lindsay: Hmm… there's this really creepy guy staring at my chest.
Courtney: Hm. Could be Duncan, but it's probably Chris. Anybody else?
Lindsay: Well, there's this really stoned looking banana…
Courtney (her eyes gleaming): Ah, yes. She must be talking about Geoff. Now, there are competitors, am I correct? Tell me who these competitors are.
Lindsay: I see… I see… I see a naked ostrich with glasses!
Courtney: Yes, yes! That must be Harold! And tell me, who's the other competitor? Who is he?
Lindsay: It's… it's…
Courtney: Yes? Yes?
Lindsay: It's—(Her eyes suddenly burst open.) I know what you're trying to do! But it won't work! My mind is more powerful than that! Duncan returned and he beat Harold and Harold lost and Duncan won!
Courtney: Oh, c'mon! Just confess it already! There's no way Duncan could've been the competitor! Say it!
Lindsay: No! NO! (Courtney is about to yell even louder, but instead she calms down. Forcing a smile, she takes out a rock with the word "Magazine" painted on it in red. Lindsay immediately claps her hands in excitement.)
Lindsay: Ohmygosh, is that a magazine?
Courtney: Um, yes. Yes it is. Would you like it?
Lindsay: OMG, yes! (She reaches for it, but Courtney holds the boulder back from her.)
Courtney: Now hold on a second. If you want the magazine, first you have to tell me the truth about what happened at the duel.
Lindsay: Hmm… what kind of magazine is it?
Courtney: Er…. a magic magazine.
Lindsay: Oh my gosh, I love it when magazines are magic! (She reaches for it again.)
Courtney: Uh uh uh. First, the truth. (Lindsay swallows deeply, thinking.)
Confession Cam
Courtney: In life, everyone comes to crossroads, where they have to make an important decision. Between wealth and happiness. Between what one wants and what one's loved ones want. (She smirks.) With Lindsay, it's trying to decide between her best friend's trust which she's cherished for years and a rock with sloppy red painting on it.
End of Confessionals
Chris: *sigh*… It's been fifteen minutes since we started this battle, and still neither competitor has made a move for each other. Noah stands off to one side, while DJ stands at the other. Chef stands to my left, still wearing that towel that flaunts his washboard abs so well. Wow, I'm so bored that I don't even care if that sounds gay. The fan still rotates around, occasionally—WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?! (He yells over at Ezekiel and Izzy, who are standing over on the fan platform, fiddling with buttons. Izzy looks up, and waves at him.)
Izzy: Just having some fun with Mr. Fan!
Chris: Well, stop it! Mr. Fan is not to be tampered with! Both of you get away from there! And why is Ezekiel with you?
Ezekiel: My hair needs more blow-dryin', eh! Hm, what does this button do? (He presses a button that reads "Hyper Blow". Immediately, the blades of the fan start to rotate so fast they become a blur. The whole fan starts to rattle as a powerful current of wind slams into both DJ and Noah, sending them rolling towards the edge.)
Noah: Gah! (He quickly tries to run out of the path of the fan's blow, but the wind is too strong. Instead, he starts running in the direction of the fan, trying to run against the blast of it. He stops moving towards the edge, but stays in place, running as if inside a hamster ball. DJ does the same thing, just a few feet to the left of Noah. The two continue to sprint inside their hamster balls, trying to stop from going over the edge.)
Chris: Hey, now things are getting interesting. Okay, here's the new challenge; whoever can run against the blast of the fan without getting pushed over the edge wins.
Katie (calling from the sidelines): DJ, keep going! The shrimp's already going into cardiac arrest! (She points to Noah, who is breathing heavily and clutching his chest as he runs.)
Noah (choking on his words): It's… true. I… think… my left vesicle is… (He wheezes.) …being punctured by my xiphoid process. (He coughs loudly.)
Tyler (yelling from the railing in front of the sidelines): I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like a rush! Do you feel the rush, Noah?
Noah: I feel my lungs collapsing in on themselves like quicksand!
Tyler: Great! That's a good thing! (Meanwhile, Beth and Gwen are watching from high up in the bleachers.)
Beth: I can't believe Lindsay would date a guy like Tyler. I mean, I would take him too, if he were available. He's so energetic, full of enthusiasm.
Gwen: More like he's a complete attention whore. Oh yeah, and speaking of attention whores, you might want to go see what Courtney is doing. (She points to where Lindsay and Courtney are sitting, just a few rows away. Beth nods, and stands up. She walks over to Courtney and Lindsay. Courtney is holding the rock in her right hand, as Lindsay squirms nervously.)
Beth: Now what are you doing?
Courtney: It doesn't matter what we're doing.
Lindsay: Courtney's going to give me a magazine! (She points to the rock in Courtney's hand.)
Beth: In exchange for what?
Lindsay: She wants me to tell her the truth. Oh, please, Beth, can I tell her? I REALLY want that magazine! (Beth slaps her hand to her forehead. Then she rips the rock out of Courtney's hand and holds it in front of Lindsay's face.)
Beth: Lindsay, this is a rock. (She waves it around in front of the blonde's face.) See? Rock. Not a magazine. This. Is. A. Rock. Not a magazine. A rock. ROCK, Lindsay, ROCK. (Lindsay stares forward, puzzled, until her eyes widen in surprise.)
Lindsay: OMG, that's not a magazine! That's a rock! (She glares at Courtney.) You lied to me! How could you do something like that? (Courtney rolls her eyes.)
Courtney: I wasn't lying at all, Lindsay. You saw exactly what you were getting, and it was you who was too stupid to realize that no, a rock is not a magazine.
Lindsay: Oh my gosh, you're really mean! I thought you were my friend!
Courtney: Friends? Lindsay, I would never be friends with a fake, blonde slut-bot with more silicone in her body than brain cells! (Lindsay gasps, and stands up.)
Lindsay: Well you know what? This "slut-bot" is a lot smarter than you think! And she happens to know that you have no allies anymore in this game. So maybe you should try being a little nicer to people, instead of insulting them! And you know what else? I'm not going with you anymore in the glass ball. I'm going to go with my best friend Beth! So there! (She takes Beth's hand in hers, and the two skip away. Courtney sits there, fuming. Meanwhile, both Noah and DJ are starting to look tired as they run inside their glass balls, Noah much more so than DJ.)
Noah (patting his forehead with a napkin): Why's it getting so hot in here?
DJ: And why do I feel like there's no more air?
Chris: That's because there are no air holes. Did I forget to mention that?
Bridgette: Then how are they supposed to breathe?
Chris: They aren't! (He smiles.)
Noah: But then we'll die!
Chris: No. All you have to do is surrender, and let yourself take the plunge into the lake. Then you'll get all the air you want.
Tyler: Don't surrender, Noah! A true athlete doesn't need air!
Noah: But I don't think I can do this anymore! (He tries sprinting, but his knees suddenly buckle. He catches his fall but it sends him backwards two feet, so that he's now just a foot away from the edge. Noah now jogs very slowly, gasping for breath. DJ, meanwhile, is looking fatigued, but it still standing strong, keeping a fast pace. Tyler pounds his fists against the railing of the sidelines.)
Tyler: I refuse to let this happen! (Determination in his eyes, he quickly turns around and runs up the stairs of the Screaming Ivy bleachers, until he's at the top. He then starts climbing up the Screaming Ivy flagpole, which travels fifteen feet into the air. Chris notices this.)
Chris: Tyler! What are you doing, man?
Tyler: I'm doing what's right! (He continues to slide his way up the flagpole, climbing higher and higher into the sky.)
Chris: Chef, do something before he kills someone or himself! (Chef nods, and sprints up the stairs of the bleachers after Tyler, a shotgun at the ready. He points it up at the jock, who is now just a few feet away from the top of the flagpole.)
Chef: You get down from there right now, boy! Before I shoot you down!
Tyler: HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT, BABY! (Growling, Chef takes aim and fires at Tyler. He misses by a good five feet. Muttering to himself in frustration, he throws away the shotgun and starts climbing up the flagpole after Tyler, still wearing only a towel around his waist. Tyler is now sitting at the top of the pole, and when he sees Chef, he roars in anger.)
Tyler: I AM TYLER KONG! YOU WILL NOT STOP ME! (He rips off his sweatband, and hurls it down at Chef. It hits the drill sergeant in the face, making him flail around until he is able to finally rip it away from his eyes. However, now Chef's towel has slid down to his ankles, exposing everything for everyone to see. Chef quickly tries to cover himself up, and in doing so, falls from the flagpole, smashing down onto the top seats of the bleachers. Tyler laughs from his perch atop the bleachers flagpole, before turning his attention to the platform, now a good thirty feet below him and about twenty feet in front of him due to how far the bleachers spread outwards. He can see Noah, now just an inch away from the edge of the platform, and slowly moving closer and closer to his doom. Then he looks over at DJ, who is a good yard away from the edge, and still going strong. His sights focus on the brickhouse.)
Tyler: I've got only one shot.
Chris: Tyler, don't do what we all know you're going to do!
Katie: You're not going to make it, anyway! It's too far of a jump!
Tyler: Too late. (With that, he lunges off the top of the flagpole. The Screaming Ivy members in the bleachers watch as Tyler soars over their heads, heading for the platform. Meanwhile, DJ is inside the ball, still running strong, when suddenly, a red splotch smashes onto the outside of his sphere. He focuses his eyes, and realizes its Tyler.)
DJ: TYLER?! (He loses focus, and trips. This sends the ball spinning wildly all over the place, with DJ flailing around inside as Tyler is smashed around on the outside. The two then go flying off the platform with the glass ball, and two seconds later, there is a huge splash that soaks the entire Killer Redwoods team with lake water. Everyone looks over and sees Tyler and DJ floating in the water, Tyler fist-pumping.)
Tyler: Hell yeah! Tyler wins! DJ loses!
Chris: Tyler! You realize you just lost the first round for your team, right?
Tyler: They're not my team! I'm my only team. Tyler flies solo!
Chris: Yeah… let's see how that turns out for you if you guys go to Campfire Ceremony. (He turns to Noah, who is still panting and running inside his glass ball. Chris presses a button on his remote control, and the fan turns off. Noah immediately collapses, and scrambles his way out of the hatch, taking in the fresh air.)
Chris: Well, Noah, against all odds, you were able to defeat DJ. That means the Screaming Ivies are up 1-0.
Noah: Alright! Izzy, did you see that? I… (He sees Izzy whispering with Mr. Fan and giggling, her back turned to him. He sighs, and tries to walk over, but Mr. Fan blasts him away when he tries to get close, sending the bookworm flying over the edge of the platform and into the water. Chris walks over and grins down at him from thirty feet above.)
Chris: Aw, poor Noah. Getting his girl stolen by a house-hold furniture item. You just can't seem to catch a break in the ladies' department, can you?
Noah (floating in the water, his hair soaked): I wouldn't be laughing, Chris. It's your fan she's with. (Chris stops laughing.)
Confession Cam
Noah: Izzy needs to get serious. Now she's dating a fan? We dated for literally five hours before she moved on! What am I doing wrong? (He sighs, and puts his head in his hands.)
Chris: Mr. Fan, how dare you! How dare you spoil the great relationship we had! I thought I was the only one you wanted. My hair is so much more luscious than that ginger brat's! (He starts to sob.)
End of Confessionals
Chris (mascara running down his face, his eyes red with tears): *Sniff* Okay, time for round two. *Sniff*
Geoff: Dude, is that mascara on your face?
Chris: NO IT ISN'T! (Tears stream down his face, and he wipes them away, before cracking his teeth into smile.) I know you care so much about me, Geoff, but I'm fine. I'm a big boy. I don't need a man like Mr. Fan! (He starts sobbing again.)
Courtney: Can you just get on with it?
Chris: F-fine. I need the one lady from each team. (Bridgette steps down onto the platform for the Killer Redwoods, while Courtney steps down for the Screaming Ivy, her fists clenched and snarling. Bridgette sees who she is facing, and smiles.)
Bridgette: Finally, someone I won't hold back against.
Courtney: Right back at ya, dolphin lover! (Her whole face is red, and steam is blowing out her ears.)
Beth (calling from the sidelines next to Lindsay): Courtney, don't let us down! We certainly don't want to have to vote you off tonight.
Courtney: SHUT UP!
Geoff: Bridgette, babe, don't hurt yourself!
Bridgette: Oh, if it means hurting Courtney, I'm very willing. (She grins evilly, cracking her knuckles.)
Tyler: YEAH! GO BRIDGETTE! GO BRIDGETTE! WOO! (All the Killer Redwoods turn and glare at him as he cheers from their sideline. He notices them.) What?
Katie: Oh no. No no no no no no no! You are not going to switch to our side all of sudden. You just cost us the win last round!
Tyler: But I wanna root for Bridgette! Whoa, hey now, let's not get feisty here—AHHH! (He screams as Katie hurls him off the bleacher platform, and into the water. Meanwhile, Chris stands between Bridgette and Courtney, who are both staring each other down on the platform.)
Chris: Ready for round 2, guys? I'm ready! This should be fun! (He grins, his eyes shining brightly and his expression full of sunshine.)
Gwen: Okay, how did you suddenly switch from being deeply depressed to extremely happy and enthusiastic?
Chris: Silly Gwen. I was never depressed! I'm always happy and enthusiastic!
Gwen: No, you aren't.
Chris: YEAH I AM! I'M NOT BIPOLAR! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! (He grins brightly again.) So, ready for the challenge?
Courtney (staring down Bridgette even harder): When can we get started?
Chris: As soon as I explain this round's twist. So, I know how all you all watched and loved Disney Channel…
Bridgette: Oh boy, this should be good.
Chris: And you all saw how the show had a laugh track… so yeah. This round will have a laugh track to accompany it!
Courtney: NO! That sounds like a horrible idea! What's even the purpose of a laugh track?
Chris: Many reasons. Mostly, it helps the mentally challenged viewers decipher when they're supposed to laugh. So we're doing this mostly for Lindsay and Tyler.
Ezekiel: Awesome! It'll be like we're right in the middle of a teen comedy show!
Chris: Exactly! See? Ezekiel sees the bright side of everything. So, here we go! (He snaps his fingers.) The laugh track is officially in play. (All the contestants are silent. Ezekiel stands there, sweating nervously.)
Confession Cam
Ezekiel: Man, it was so nerve-wracking with the laugh track going! What if they didn't think what I said was funny? It was terrifying! I didn't want to disappoint.
End of Confessionals
(The contestants are silent for another ten seconds, before Ezekiel speaks up.)
Ezekiel: Should we speak now—
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ezekiel: GAH! What was that?
Chris: That, my dear Ezekiel, was the laugh track.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ezekiel: Heh heh. That's kind of cool.
Chris: See? Isn't this fun?
Ezekiel: Yeah!
Gwen: More like incredibly stupid.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Gwen scowls.)
Gwen: Shut up! That wasn't even funny!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (A dark storm cloud in her eyes, Gwen buries her nose in her diary.)
Izzy: Hey, guys, what's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan? Osama Bin Latte!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Izzy grins proudly.)
Izzy: I like these people.
Geoff: I don't. Dudes, this is soo creepy! I don't want these people hearing everything I say!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Geoff pulls his hat over his head in fear, making the invisible audience laugh even louder.)
Chris: You better get used to it, Geoff, because the more you speak, the more they laugh. So, Bridgette and Courtney, even with the laugh track, this is still a challenge, so get inside your glass balls. Try not to tear each other apart on the way there. (As they walk towards their balls, Chris listens expectantly. When there is no laughter, he scowls.) C'mon, I don't get anything for that?
Ezekiel: Guess you don't.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Ezekiel grins.)
Ezekiel: I think this audience really likes me!
Chris: It's because you look the most like a teen heartthrob, Zeke. They fall all over that. (Meanwhile, Noah is climbing back onto the bleacher platform, his hair still wet from the lake.)
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEE! (Noah raises an eyebrow.)
Noah: I'm not gonna ask.
Chris: It's the new laugh track I've implemented, Noah. I guess they love your hair when it's wet.
Noah: Just like all psychopathic no-life female Total Drama fans.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! (Scowling, Noah sits down next to Gwen, and buries his nose in a book. Meanwhile, Courtney and Bridgette are now standing inside their separate glass balls.)
Chris: Okay, ready to get this challenge started? Chef, blow the horn! (Chef walks out, still wearing his bath towel.)
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Chef: ALL OF YALL, SHUT THE F*** UP! (When the audience falls silent, he takes out his saxophone and blows into it.)
Chris: And… go! (Immediately Courtney starts sprinting towards Bridgette, fire in her eyes. Just as the C.I.T. is about to make impact, Bridgette swerves out of the way. Courtney has to use all her might to stop her glass ball from topping over the edge.)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Courtney: How dare you laugh at me!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Yelling in frustration, Courtney runs towards Bridgette, again, with the same result. The audience has now gone into hysteria.)
Chris: Man, Courtney, you're a hit!
Courtney: And you're a piece of shit! (She looks around when nobody laughs.) How come they didn't laugh at tha—(Suddenly, she is slammed into by Bridgette, and is almost knocked off.)
YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!
Courtney (regaining her footing): Why are they rooting for her? They should be rooting for me! I'm the one who's trying to save my own butt! C'mon! Root for—(Bridgette slams into her again, and this time Courtney topples about three-quarters off the platform before slowly rolling back.)
HOOOORAYYYY!
Courtney: Okay, now you're going down! (Meanwhile, Ezekiel is basking in the invisible crowd's attention.)
Ezekiel: Hey guys! (He winks a them.)
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ezekiel: Heh, you like that, eh? How aboot this? (He wiggles his eyebrows at them.)
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Ezekiel stops wiggling his eyebrows. The crowd falls silent. He starts wiggling them again.)
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Ezekiel stops wiggling his eyebrows, causing more silence, before starting up again.)
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Now Ezekiel starts hip-thrusting, making the crowd go wild. Katie stomps over, glaring.)
Katie: What are you doing over here?
Ezekiel: Charmin' the crowd, eh. For once in my life, I feel like a group of people finally accept me!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Ezekiel grins and winks, letting the praise wash over him.)
Ezekiel (turning to Katie): Watch this, eh. (He then turns to the audience, and flips his hair.)
WOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOO! (The crowd's roar becomes deafening, blocking out all other sound.)
Katie: This if f**king retarded! Why are you cheering for a loser like Ezekiel?
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Katie: Oh, now you're going to be boo me?
HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Katie: Will you cut it out? Ow! (She cries out as a tomato smashes into her face, covering her cheek in red pulpy substance. She wipes it off, glaring.) Who threw that? Ow! OW! (She screams as she is pelted by tomatoes, until she runs off. Ezekiel then smiles at the camera.)
Ezekiel: Soory about that, eh. (He winks again.)
YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY! (Meanwhile, Courtney is sprinting after Bridgette, but the blonde is too fast for her. Whenever Courtney charges, Bridgette swerves out of the way, before slamming into her herself. This has caused Courtney to become very disoriented, stumbling around inside the glass ball. Noah and Gwen sit on the sidelines, both with their books out.)
GWOAH! GWOAH! GWOAH! GWOAH! (Both look up from their books, seething.)
Noah and Gwen: SHUT UP!
GWOAH! GWOAH! GWOAH! GWOAH!
Noah: Why does this audience sound like a sea of Sierras? And why is there always that one person in the audience that sounds like a dying raccoon when they laugh?
BWAHAHA*cough wheeze*HAHAHAHA!
Noah: See what I mean?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Gwen (putting her head in her hands): The sooner this is over the better, that's all I'm going to say. (Meanwhile, Ezekiel walks over to Katie, his hair tousled and lipstick covering his face.)
Katie: Where did that come from?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ezekiel: I don't know! It just appeared on me, eh. This audience can't get enough of me! Look! (He holds out his arm, which has hickeys lining it up to the elbow.) I've got a sleeve of hickeys!
Katie: Okay, that's just wrong.
Ezekiel: Would you like to contribute to the sleeve, eh?
Katie: I'd rather kill myself!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Katie: Oh, shut up, will you? You're all poor, fat, and ugly! (The audience falls silent, before bursting into tears.)
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH H! (Katie chuckles awkwardly.)
Katie: Er, I mean, you all are beautiful children with bright futures ahead of you.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY !
(Meanwhile, out on the platform, Courtney is continually attacking Bridgette and missing. She stops for a second, and grabs her head.)
Courtney: Okay, Courtney, use strategy. That's the only way you're going to win. (She looks over at Bridgette, who is over near the edge to her left. Courtney starts rolling towards her, at medium pace. Bridgette smiles when she sees Courtney coming towards her, and makes for the left. However, Courtney was anticipating this, and moves in the same direction. Bridgette frantically moves to the right, but Courtney blocks her off there, too. She now has the blonde cornered. Courtney takes a step towards her, grinning.)
Courtney: End of the road, blondie. (She inches toward Bridgette, savoring the moment.)
*GASP*
Chris: Could this be the end for Bridgette?
Geoff (from the sidelines): No! Bridgette, I believe in you!
Confession Cam
Geoff: Man, it was really scary for me seeing Bridgette in such a dangerous situation. I didn't want her to get hurt. I know it may not always seem like it, but I really do care for her.
AWWWWWWW…. (Geoff's eyes widen in terror.)
Geoff: Oh god, they're following me in here now, too? HAS THE SANCTITY OF PRIVACY BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED?!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! (Geoff pulls his hat down over his face in shame.)
End of Confessionals
Geoff: Chris, they're following me in the confessional now. This laugh track has got to end.
Chris: Sorry, but not until the challenge is over. But by the looks of things, it should be over soon. (He points to Courtney, who is edging Bridgette closer and closer to the edge.)
Courtney: It's all over now. Why don't you just roll over yourself and save me the trouble? (But Bridgette won't back down. Courtney sneers.) So that's how it is. Well, let's get this over with.)
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Courtney: Shut your traps! You're not going to ruin this moment. (She continues to inch towards Bridgette, when suddenly a tomato smashes into the outside of her ball. She stares at the stain in the surprise.)
Courtney: What the—(Suddenly there is a deep rumbling noise, and out of nowhere, a wave of tomatoes erupts into the air, showering Courtney. The C.I.T. screams as her ball is coated in a thick layer of pulpy sludge. She tries to roll forward, but slips on the pulp around her ball, and loses control. Her ball, completely covered in tomato slime, slips and slides around the platform until it goes flying off, and splashes down into the lake. The whole laugh track starts to cheer. Courtney sticks her head out of the water, scowling.)
Courtney: Chris, that was completely unfair!
Chris: Hey, the laugh track was part of the challenge. So if the laugh track took you out, you're out. That means Bridgette is our winner for Round 2! (Bridgette, laughing, steps out of her glass ball, being careful not to step on any of the splattered tomatoes. Geoff, however, doesn't heed this when he leaps over the railing and lunges onto the platform.)
Geoff: BRIDGETTE! (He starts running towards her, but immediately slips on a pile of splattered tomatoes, and crashes down onto his back, coating himself in tomato pulp.)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Geoff gets up, groaning and clutching his back.)
Geoff: I hate this laugh track so much. (Bridgette runs over and hugs him, despite the fact that she's getting herself coated in tomato, too. Geoff smiles.) Bridgette, you did amazing. No fear. That's my Bridge!
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW… (Geoff scowls, and turns to Chris.)
Geoff: Okay, dude, that round's over. Can you get rid of the laugh track now?
Chris: Yeah, see, about that… I don't know how.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DJ: Wait, are you serious?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Chris: Yes, unfortunately.
BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!
Tyler: Man, I think it's malfunctioning!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BWAHAHABWAHABWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHA!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Gwen (covering her ears): Somebody make it stop!
Izzy: Okay! (She takes out a stick of dynamite, lights it, and hurls it straight past the camera. There is a flurry of screams, followed by a loud explosion, then silence.)
Chris: Izzy! You're not supposed to slaughter our laugh track!
Izzy: Hey, it got the job done, didn't it?
Ezekiel: No! All my loyal fans, eh! DEAD! (He falls to his knees, weeping.)
Chris: It's okay, Ezekiel. Every star has a moment like this. But we really need to get on with our third round, so—(He suddenly slips on the tomato sludge covering the platform and goes flying into the air, before crashing back down with a thud.) CHEF! Will you clean this up?! No wait! Actually, that'll be the perfect twist to our third round! Trying to dodge the tomatoes Chef and I hurl at you!
Noah: Are you just making up this whole competition as you go along?
Chris: No! Chef and I put care and precision into designing our challenges. (He looks over at Chef.) Do you think we should throw in some suicide bomber unicorns? Or do you think that's stretching it? Yeah, me too. Alright, now I need the two pairs for each team. (Lindsay and Beth, screeching with delight, skip out onto the platform from the sidelines. Geoff and Ezekiel step forward for the Killer Redwoods.)
Geoff: Let's do this, Ezekiel.
Ezekiel: Hell yeah! (The two fist bump.) After all, it's just a couple of girls, eh. Us guys are too strong for them. (He is suddenly hit in the crotch with a tomato, which splatters all over his skinny jeans. Ezekiel falls to the ground, moaning. Beth wipes her hands off.)
Beth: I wouldn't be too sure of that.
Chris: So let me explain the twist to the four of you. As you saw before, tomatoes took Courtney out in a matter of seconds. And as you saw just a few seconds ago with Ezekiel, tomatoes can also be rather painful not only to a man's genitalia but also to his dignity. So here's how this round will work. Once again, one person will be put inside each glass ball. The other two players will be perched up on a ledge, with a sack of tomatoes each. It's simple, really. While the two in the glass balls try to knock each other off the platform, their partner can help by hurling tomatoes at their opponent. Make sense?
Noah: Besides the fact that that whole explanation had horrible grammar, yes.
Chris: Hm? Did I hear something? It sounded like I heard something. Probably just my imagination. Okay, pick who will be the roller and who will be the tomato-thrower, and then we can get cracking.
Confession Cam
Geoff: Zeke immediately insisted on being the tomato guy, so I let him. Even though I love tomatoes. Have you ever been to a party where everyone just hurls tomatoes at each other? Hm. Well then you just haven't been to the right parties, then.
End of Confessionals
Chris: Alright. Inside the glass balls for each team are Lindsay and Geoff. The tomato throwers for each team are Beth and Ezekiel. Lindsay and Geoff, you guys ready?
Geoff: Oh yeah! (He takes off his hat, and folds it inside out.) Here we go! (Lindsay is texting.)
Chris: Tomato throwers, you ready? (Ezekiel salutes Chris from the perch where he is sitting just a few feet away from Beth.)
Ezekiel: Ready for duty, sir. I'm ready to win this war, and in doing so, embrace the raw poo'er that is the nightshade fruit, that is the tomato.
Beth: I think you might be taking this too seriously, Ezekiel. (Ezekiel whips around to face her.)
Ezekiel: This is WAR, soldier! WAR is to be taken seriously! People will be dying by the thoosands, eh! Families will be tarnished! Friendships will be crushed! Dreams will be destroyed!
Chris: I certainly hope not. That sounds like bad ratings. Alright, tomato throwers, get ready! Load your ammo! Chef, blow the battle horn one last time. (Chef is about to blow into it, but a tomato smashes into his face. Everyone looks over at Ezekiel, who chuckles sheepishly.)
Ezekiel: Oops. I thought we'd started, eh. (Chef angrily wipes off the tomato from his face, before blowing into the battle horn.)
Chris: GO! (Geoff immediately starts rolling towards Lindsay, who is still texting.)
Beth: Lindsay! Watch out! (When Lindsay still doesn't look up, Beth quickly throws down three tomatoes right in Geoff's path, making the party dude slip and go tumbling backwards. Geoff slowly gets upright again, and as he does so, his ball is hit by five more tomatoes.)
Courtney: That's it, Beth! Pelt that party boy! (Beth glares over at her.)
Beth: You're just lucky that I used to do tomato throwing on the farm. Maybe your butt will be saved just this once, Courtney. (She then takes a handful of tomatoes and hefts them all at Geoff. The cereal lover dodges these ones, and quickly looks over at Ezekiel, who is still sitting on the perch, doing nothing.)
Geoff: What are you waiting for, dude? I'm about to be flooded! (He sees Ezekiel take out a tomato, and bite into it.) Are you seriously eating them?
Ezekiel (his mouth full of tomato): What? I love tomatoes, eh! They're rich in Vitamin C, might I add. And they have powerful antioxidants that have lead to a lower chance of Prostate Cancer in men. Plus, tomatoes are said to help keep your skin looking youthful!
Geoff (rolling his eyes): What happened to the seriousness of war?
Ezekiel: My health is even more important, eh! I've gotta have nice, smooth skin if I want to be a pop star. (With that, he stuffs another tomato into his mouth, and chews with content, flecks of tomato juice flying from his lips.)
Geoff: Dude, c'mon! You're supposed to be—(Suddenly, more tomatoes slam into his glass ball, coating the top in a thick layer. Beth continues to sling tomato after tomato at him, all of them making contact. Geoff tries to move forward, but slips, sending his ball sliding all over the platform.)
Courtney: That's it, Beth! You've almost done it! He's losing it!
Geoff: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (He slips and slides on tomato after tomato, losing control of the ball.)
Chris: Ezekiel, dude, you really should do something. (He looks over at the prairie boy, who is stuffing tomato after tomato into his own mouth.)
Katie (calling out): Ezekiel, you're a disgusting pig! Stop eating so many tomatoes!
Ezekiel (his mouth full): I can't stop, eh! They're just too juicy! (More and more of Beth's tomatoes spray down on Geoff, surrounding him a thick mush. Geoff tries to roll through the mush, but is stuck. Beth reaches for more tomatoes, but finds she's out.)
Beth: Okay, Lindsay! I've done my part! Now while he's stuck, you just have to go over and push him off! Lindsay? (She sees that Lindsay is still texting.) Stop texting! Who are you texting, anyways?
Lindsay: I don't know. Who would text, "You are a prize to my unworthy eyes, my love"?
Tyler: Huh? I didn't text you that! (Everybody looks over at Chris, who is texting on his phone. The host looks up from his device, frowning.)
Chris: What?
Gwen: Seriously? Texting a contestant during the middle of a challenge?
Chris: Hey, my and Lindsay's connection spans beyond the rules of the game. Fine, fine, no more texting. (He puts his phone in his pocket, and winks at Lindsay.) That is, until tonight.
Tyler: Dude, that's sick! That's my girlfriend!
Chris: What? Lindsay and I are just friends! Besides, my heart still belongs to Mr. Fan. (Now that Lindsay has put her phone away, Beth starts instructing her.)
Beth: Okay, Lindsay, you know what to do. Start rolling towards Geoff. (Lindsay nods, and starts rolling the opposite direction.) Wrong way, Lindsay!
Lindsay: Oh! (She starts going in the right direction. Geoff, still trapped in the tomato muck, frantically looks over at Ezekiel, who has his mouth stuffed with five tomatoes.)
Geoff: Dude! Now would be a good time to do something! (Ezekiel holds up a finger telling him to wait, and swallows deeply. It looks like he is about to say something, but instead, he just stuffs another tomato in his mouth.)
Noah: My god, how many tomatoes have you eaten? (Ezekiel swallows, and looks down at what remains of the pile.)
Ezekiel: I've got four left, eh
Chris: Dude, you started with fifty! Do you realize how many tomatoes that is? (He looks at Noah.) How many tomatoes is that?
Noah: Forty-six.
Ezekiel: *Urp* Make that forty-nine. (He lies down on his perch, rubbing his stomach.) Uh-oh… I don't feel so good… (He reaches for the final tomato.)
Katie: Why would you grab another tomato if you're feeling sick?!
Ezekiel: I've got to finish what I started, eh. It's what my parents always taught me. (With that, he swallows the final tomato, and pats his stomach. His face starts to turn green.) I don't think that was a good idea… (Meanwhile, Lindsay is getting closer and closer to Geoff, who is frantically trying to wiggle his way out of the tomato mire that he is stuck in. However, his ball won't budge. Geoff looks at Ezekiel pleadingly.)
Geoff: Ezekiel, do anything! (Ezekiel is now looking wobbly, his body considerably expanded since he started eating the tomatoes.)
Ezekiel: Oh no… the tomatoes wanna come back up, man. (He swallows, his face now dark green with sweat streaming down it.)
Katie (glaring): Don't you even, Ezekiel.
Ezekiel: I'm sorry, eh! But it has to happen! (Lindsay is now running towards Geoff, and is only about ten yards away.)
Beth: You've got this, Lindsay! You've got th—(Suddenly, she is interrupted by a loud grumbling noise from deep within Ezekiel's stomach. Ezekiel looks at her, and cringes.)
Ezekiel: Uh oh. (He tries to hold it in, but it's too late. With that, he vomits a huge waterfall of red tomato pulp, right down onto the platform. It continues to pump out of his mouth, soaking Lindsay and Geoff's glass balls in it. However, Lindsay is in motion, so she immediately slips on the throw-up, spraying it up into the bleachers and soaking Ezekiel's team.)
Katie (covered in Ezekiel's barf): OH GOD! (She wretches into DJ's lap, making the brickhouse run to heave over the railing. Tyler, meanwhile, sees all this and barfs as well, before slipping on it and tumbling down the bleachers and landing in a pool of tomato and bile at the bottom. Lindsay, slipping and sliding, moves over to the other side and soaks the Screaming Ivy bleachers, making everyone throw up besides Gwen, who sits there covered in vomit with a not-amused facial expression. Lindsay then sprays Beth and Ezekiel as well, making Ezekiel just barf some more, coughing and choking on his own puke. Finally, Lindsay tumbles right off the edge of the platform, landing in the water with a huge splash. Ezekiel, coughing and sputtering, wipes his mouth.)
Ezekiel: Oops. Heh heh. Guess I shouldn't have eaten so many tomatoes, eh. (At that point, Chris looks up from his magazine, and sees the desolate, vomit-covered arena. He sees the campers lying on the ground, drenched in throw-up, moaning in pain. He sees Geoff, slowly opening the hatch to his glass ball and collapsing down onto the platform. He sees Izzy, laughing hysterically from her perch atop Mr. Fan. Slowly he takes a step out onto the platform, putting his magazine to his side. He makes his way to the center, making sure to avoid all the tomatoes and stomach acid strewn across the ground. Once he gets to the center, he looks around at the arena. It looks as if Chris is about to say something, but instead, he just vomits as well down onto the floor, sputtering as he regurgitates. The sound echoes throughout the desolate battlefield. Finally, the campers start to get up, groaning, trying to clean themselves off. Chris begins to speak, wiping barf off his sleeves.)
Chris: Well, despite that extremely disgusting turn of events, Lindsay did still fall off the platform first. Therefore, the Killer Redwoods win the immunity challenge, and are safe at tonight's vote! (Ezekiel starts cheering. He is the only one.)
Ezekiel: WOOOOO! (He turns to the Killer Redwoods.) See, guys? I won it for us in the end! (He notices everyone glaring at him.) Geez, I'm sorry! I promise this won't happen ever again, okay? (He is hit in the face by his own throw-up that someone threw at him. He wipes it off and sighs.) Okay, I probably deserved that, eh.
Chris: Screaming Ivy, what can I say? I'll see your vomity butts at the Campfire Ceremony tonight, where somebody will be sent to Redemption Cabin and face an eager competitor waiting to the tear them apart. You have the afternoon to figure out who it's gonna be. But first, everyone is entitled to one shower. You guys stink! (As the campers climb down the ladder leading back down to the ground, Chris walks over and hands Chef a mop.)
Chris: Have fun. (Chef responds by shoving the mop in the host's mouth.)
Confession Cam
Geoff (coated in tomato sludge): Well, I guess you could say Ezekiel came through for us today. But I don't think I'm ever going to see another tomato again without going into shock. I probably won't even be able to see the color red without going into shock. So I don't know what's going to happen when I see Tyler.
Ezekiel (biting into a tomato): What? I still like the taste, eh.
Tyler (pounding his fist into his hand): Today was a great day overall. My team won, I learned some geometry, I spent some time with Lindsay… Plus, I showed DJ who's boss. But you know what? This day wouldn't have been special at all, if I hadn't gotten to share it with my kind, loving teammates. (He is serious for a second, before he lets loose a snicker, and grins.) I can't say that with a straight face.
Beth: So now, it's just a matter of whether we want to get rid of Trent or Courtney. Trent's ten times more annoying, but Courtney's ten times more dangerous. It really could go either way.
Noah: Personally, I still want Trent gone. Even if Izzy's pretty much dumped me for a fan, you still tried to kill her, man. Not cool.
Courtney: Well, as I left the arena, coated in Ezekiel's barf, things were looking grim. Noah, Gwen, Izzy, Beth, and Lindsay were all so tight on their decision in getting rid of either Trent or me. Then I saw Trent on the dock, still depressed. I knew that if we were going to have any chance of surviving tonight, I'd need to bring back the dark side of Trent.
End of Confessionals
(Courtney sits down next to Trent on the dock, as the musician stares at his reflection sadly. He looks up at her, and his nose scrunches up at the smell.)
Trent: What happened to you?
Courtney: Ezekiel started a barf-fest that I'd really not care to repeat the details of. (She sighs, trying to get the vomit out of her hair.)
Trent (smiling): Sounds like a fun challenge. (He turns back to the water and his reflection. The two are silent for twenty seconds, before Courtney speaks up again.)
Courtney: Well, we lost. So maybe we should start strategizing or something? (Trent shakes his head.)
Trent: No. No strategy for me tonight.
Courtney: What do you mean, "no strategy"? Tonight it's do or die! So unless you want to die, I think it's time you start to do.
Trent: Maybe dying is what I want to do. (He smile sadly, and looks down at the water again. Courtney scowls.)
Courtney: Stop it! Don't even talk like that! Why have you suddenly given up? (Trent sighs, and turns to Courtney, sincerity in his eyes.)
Trent: I can't live with what I did today. Izzy almost died because of me, Courtney. I was almost a murderer. I just want this game to end, so I can go back to the music. You know, learn to play guitar again. Forget this whole reality TV experience ever happened.
Courtney: Please, Trent, just stick around for a little bit longer. You're my lifeline, Trent! Without you, they'll vote me off. But if we work together…
Trent: No. Courtney, I've just been a burden to you since Day 1. You only chose me for this alliance because you had no other options.
Courtney: That's not true, Trent. I saw something in you. Something so clever, and devious. I wanted to unlock it.
Trent: That was the dark side of Trent. He's not coming back. I want to be the good guy Trent again! The one that always has a kind thing to say to someone. The one guy where everybody says, "Wow, that Trent's a nice guy. He's a step above the competition, don't you think?" That's all I want. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to achieve that. Courtney, I have to say goodbye to you now. I'm going to go pack my stuff. (But as he gets up, Courtney holds him down. She starts to get angry.)
Courtney: You've lost your mind, Trent. Do you really think after all the things you've done, you can ever be a good guy again? (Trent stares at her. Courtney shakes her head.) Well, I'll tell you how it is. People will never forget how you cheated, lied, and insulted all of them. You're trapped, Trent. You're a villain now. You can never be the good guy again. (She sighs.) Do you think I wanted to be the villain? The one that everyone hated? The one that hated herself? No, I wanted to be the leader. And all throughout season 1, that's what I thought I was. But then I watched the season at home. The producers had completely changed my image, to make me look like a bossy, know-it-all brat. I guess they did that so that fans wouldn't get too angry when Harold rigged the votes against me. And from there on out, I just kind of slipped into the mold that they created for me. The evil, bossy bitch. (She pauses for breath.)
Courtney: But you know what, Trent? I haven't looked back since. I've learned to embrace the stereotype they've given me. See its advantages. Trent, it's not about making friends for us anymore. It's only about winning. But as long as we have each other, that's all we'll need. (She takes his hand in hers, but his fingers quickly slip out of her grasp.)
Trent (retreating his hand): I get it now. You turned me into this. You turned me into this monster. Because you were lonely, you wanted me to go through what you went through.
Courtney: No, Trent! I wanted you to see what you really were. On the inside, we're all monsters. But together, Trent, two monsters can run this game. (She takes his hand again. This time Trent doesn't let go, sighing in defeat.)
Trent: Okay. (The two sit down again, and Trent sighs.) So, back to being the villain, I guess?
Courtney (smiling): Trust me, Trent, it has its benefits in the end. (Then her expression gets serious.) But if we want any chance at the money, we need to make it past tonight. And that's going to be extremely difficult.
Trent: I'm sure we'll figure something out. Courtney, thank you, by the way. I wasn't thinking straight before. But now I understand how things are going to have to be. (He sighs.) Maybe this will all be worth it I win the money. I can try to start a true music career.
Courtney: Exactly, Trent. Now you're seeing the big picture. So, how are we going to do this? Do you think there are any cracks in the alliance that you think we can utilize?
Trent (tapping his chin): Lindsay should be easy to sway. My antics earlier today probably lost us points with Izzy, though. Cody's also a wild card. You gotta play to his hormones.
Courtney: Even then, the numbers aren't in our favor. We need a plan that we know won't fail. (Trent sighs, flipping through a book titled, "Total Drama Returns Rulebook". Courtney stares at it in surprise.) What's that?
Trent: Just some stupid rulebook I found floating in the water while I was sitting here. It's probably the worst rulebook ever written. The grammar is horrible, and the punctuation is all over the place. I assume Chris wrote it.
Courtney (staring at it): I assume he did too, due to the fact that there's a naked picture of him on the front. (She takes it from him, and starts flipping through it. Then she stops at a page, and gasps.)
Courtney: No way. (She smiles at Trent.) I think I just found our savior.
Trent: What? How?
Courtney: It's going to be a very complicated plan, and will require perfect precision. Are you up for it?
Trent (grinning deviously): Of course I am. (Courtney smiles, and then leans forward, her eyes closed. Her lips meet his. Trent's eyes widen in surprise, before his whole face scrunches up in disgust. He leans back, and Courtney moves back in surprise. She immediately blushes deep red.)
Courtney: What? Did I do something wrong?
Trent: No, nothing! I just think that maybe you should get a shower first, you know, so I don't feel like I'm making out with Ezekiel. (Courtney chuckles.)
Courtney: Oh yeah. Heh heh. (She rubs the back of her neck, and walks awkwardly off.)
Confession Cam
Courtney: So I kissed Trent. So what? It was mostly just to seal his trust. (She blushes bright red.) Mostly.
Trent: Was not expecting that. Does Courtney have feelings for me? (He cringes.) I don't know if I exactly have feelings for her… Whatever, I need to stop thinking about that. If I want to implement my plan, I need to head over to the infirmary right away.
End of Confessionals
Bathrooms
(There are two lines leading into the shower stalls, one for the boys, one for the girls. Since there are only two showers in each bathroom, the lines are moving extremely slowly. Everyone is still covered in tomatoes and puke, cringing in disgust. Ezekiel walks up to the girls' line with a crate of tomatoes.)
Ezekiel: Anybody want one? (He screams as the crate is stuffed over his head. He stumbles around blindly for a few seconds, before falling to the ground.)
Gwen: Now that was just crossing the line. (Beth, standing behind her in line, taps the Goth girl on the shoulder.)
Beth: So, is the plan for Courtney, or Trent?
Gwen: Right now it's Trent. But personally, I was thinking maybe we should get rid of Courtney.
Beth: *gasp* THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING! (She screeches with delight, making everyone turn to her. Gwen stares at her, and the geek girl chuckles.) Sorry.
Gwen: Seriously, Trent isn't a threat. Lately, it seems like he's given up. Courtney looks like she's still ready to fight. So I'm leaning towards Courtney, in a way.
Beth: Yeah, that might be a good idea. But I don't know, Trent's dangerous, too.
Gwen: Dangerously stupid, that's for sure. (Suddenly, Courtney comes up behind them, standing behind Beth in line. Courtney's face is streaked with tears, and is bright red.)
Gwen: What happened with you? Why do you look like you've been crying?
Courtney: I hate that motherf***** Trent!
Gwen: What'd he do?
Courtney: He's going around trying to convince everyone to vote me off! But you know what? If you guys vote for him, I'll be happy to join you.
Beth: Well, that's what we were planning. (Courtney smiles.)
Courtney: Good. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he's blindsided. (She grins even wider, anger flashing wildly in her eyes. Beth and Gwen glance at each other.)
Gwen: So… you guys aren't in an alliance anymore?
Courtney: We don't really have a choice, do we? No matter what, one of us is going home. I just hope you'll make sure you vote for Trent. (She sees Trent walking by, and yells at him.) WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Trent: THE DOESN'T MATTER TO YOU, BITCH! THE TRENT IS A FREE SPIRIT! HE GOES WHERE HE WANTS! (Right after he says this, he slips on a tomato, and goes tumbling down the hill leading down to the cabins, laying in a crumpled heap at the bottom. Courtney laughs.)
Courtney: HA! SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU TOOL! (Gwen and Beth glance at each other and shrug. Meanwhile, Tyler is at the front of the boys' line, when DJ comes out of the bathroom, dripping wet from the shower he just took. He bumps right into Tyler.)
Tyler (his hands on his hips): Nice job using up all the hot water, DJ!
DJ: What are you talkin' about, man? I was in there for thirty seconds!
Tyler: Twenty-nine seconds too long, might I add. (Suddenly, all the power goes out in the bathrooms.)
Tyler: GREAT! Look what you did now, DJ! You used up so much hot water that the power's gone out!
DJ: Tyler, that's not how it works! Water usage and electrical usage have no correlation!
Tyler: Oh really? And have you supported your conclusions with data, DJ?
DJ: I'm supporting my conclusions with common sense!
Tyler: Common sense is overrated, man. (Suddenly, there is a commotion coming from the girls' bathroom.)
Katie (from inside one of the shower stalls): Izzy, unplug that stupid fan of yours! It's too big, and it's causing all the power to go out!
Izzy (from inside the bathroom): But I need to blow-dry my hair! And Mr. Fan gives the best blow jobs.
Katie: Take your little love-fest to the cabin or something! I'm trying to take a shower here!
Izzy: I know. I can see you through the curtain.
Katie: GET OUT!
Izzy: Fine! Sheesh. (She troops out of the girls' bathroom, carrying Mr. Fan to the cabin. Noah watches her go by, and sighs. He then looks over at Ezekiel, who is leaning against a tree and eating tomatoes.)
Noah: You're not getting a shower?
Ezekiel: Nah, I had my shower phase back in chapter 25. I had enough showers then to keep me squeaky clean for the rest of the competition. (He swallows another tomato.)
Noah: Do you really think you should be eating more tomatoes?
Ezekiel: I've got to, man. After all, I'm gonna be performing tonight at the Campfire Ceremony, and I hear tomatoes help to soften one's throat, eh.
Noah: Wow. You're actually going to sing as a performance?
Ezekiel: Yeah! Chris said I could. I think this could really be my big break as Bieber Zeke!
Noah: Hm. Do you have a song?
Ezekiel: What do you mean, a song?
Noah: What I mean is, do you have something to sing tonight? (Ezekiel's eyes widen.)
Ezekiel: Oh yeah. I better go write a song, eh. (He races off frantically towards the cabins. Noah rolls his eyes, when suddenly he hears someone whispering his name.)
?: Psst! Noah! (Noah looks over towards where the sounds is coming from, and sees Chris, lurking behind the bathrooms, beckoning him to come over. Noah turns away.)
Chris: Psst! Noah! Noah! Psst! Psst! Psst! Psst! Noah! (Noah groans and walks over. Chris beckons him into the shadows, far back behind the bathrooms.)
Noah (sarcastically): Yeah, this isn't creepy at all.
Chris: Noah, I have no time for your sarcastic ways right now. What I have is a proposition to make to you.
Noah: Do you really need to tell me about it back here, behind the bathrooms?
Chris: I need to talk to you in privacy, and this is the best place.
Noah: How long have you been back here?
Chris: Ever since Katie started taking her shower. (Realizing how creepy that sounds, he quickly stutters.) I didn't mean it that way!
Noah: Yeah, sure. So what was this about a proposition?
Chris: Listen, Noah, I see you floundering with Izzy. She's slipping right through your fingers. But I can help you. I have a plan.
Noah: I'm sure your plan won't work.
Chris: Oh, but it will! In case you forgot, that's my man she's been with. We have the same interests, Noah.
Noah: The difference is my interests don't involve pedophilia.
Chris: Stop it! I'm not a pedophile! I'm just a simple host looking for love. It's different. Anyways, back to the main subject. We have the same interests, Noah, when it comes to the Izzy and Mr. Fan relationship. We both want it to end. And we both want Mr. Fan to leave. (Noah nods.)
Noah: I'm listening.
Chris: So here's my proposition. Together, we kidnap Mr. Fan. Throw him off the end of the dock. Izzy will never know what happened. (He wiggles his eyebrows.) She'll need a shoulder to cry on. Your tan, muscular shoulder… (He massages Noah's shoulder as he says this.) … is exactly the one she'll turn to.
Noah: That's your plan?
Chris: Hey, it will work! You'll win back Izzy, and my broken heart will finally be mended as I watch Mr. Fan sink below the water.
Noah: But what if Izzy finds out I was a part of this? Then she'll never forgive me!
Chris: I'm not sure. I think she'll find it sexy. It will establish that you're the alpha wolf, Noah. That Izzy is yours, and nobody else's. I would know. I was the alpha wolf back in my day.
Noah: No you weren't.
Chris: Oh, yes I was! They called me Mclean the Hunter. That's because I would lie in wait in the grasses of the dating world, before I would pounce on my prey. And no matter how far my prey ran, I was always able to hunt them down. That's being the Alpha Wolf, right there.
Noah: No, that's called being a date rapist.
Chris: Enough with your sassy comments! But think about it. Izzy finally realizing that you're the only man she's meant to have in her life. You'll be the man, Noah. (He places a hand on Noah's shoulder.) That's why you decided to become the leader of the Screaming Ivy, right? To show Izzy that you're a man?
Noah: Actually, I just did that because Trent was the worst leader in the history of Total Drama. I had to step in.
Chris: Whatever. You need to do this, though, Noah. You can't let Izzy be the one that got away. You have to seize the moment, Noah. You might not get another chance like this. Do we have a deal? (Noah pauses for a moment.)
Noah: Deal.
Chris: Alright… we'll meet in front of your cabin at six o'clock, sharp. Now go.
Noah: Aren't you going to come out from behind these bathrooms?
Chris: Um, actually, I'll stay back here. I have some business I need to take care of.
Noah: I don't even want to know what that business is. Okay, I'm out of here. (He steps out from behind the bathrooms, shaking his head in disbelief. He turns, and sees the whole line of girls glaring at him. Katie, who is dripping wet from her previous shower, steps forward and confronts him.)
Katie: What the hell were you doing back there? (She puts her hands on her hips.)
Noah: Oh. Heh heh. Hi. You see, I was—um, I—um… Chris was back there! And he wanted to talk to me!
Bridgette: Oh really? (She looks behind the bathrooms.) Where is he then? (Noah glances frantically over to where he met with Chris, and sees that the host is gone. He glances back at the girls, sweating nervously.)
Noah: He was there, I swear! C'mon… you're not suggesting I was spying on you, are you? (Some of them take a step towards him, their fists clenched. Noah tugs at his collar, sweat streaming down his face.) Let's not get feisty here, guys! (They are now mere inches away from him, surrounding him from all sides. Noah cringes, and chuckles anxiously.) Wow, guys… I'm feeling very violated right now. (They continue to glare at him, and Noah swallows nervously.)
Noah: C'mon, guys! Give me a break! To quote Shakespeare:
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses itself and friend,
And borrowing the d—
Confession Cam
Noah (his underwear pulled over his head in a wedgie): No comment.
End of Confessionals
Infirmary Tent
(Cody sits in his bed, sighing.)
Cody: I guess nobody's going to come to see me. Not even Katie or Gwen. (Suddenly, he hears someone walk in, and sits up excitedly.)
Cody: GWEN? KATIE? Aw, darn, it's just Trent.
Trent (scowling): I love the warm welcomes I keep getting. (He sits down in a chair next to Cody's bed, and groans from the pain of having recently tumbled down a hill. There's an awkward silence.)
Cody: Sooo… why'd you come to visit?
Trent: I just wanted to see you. See how you were holding up. Give you some company.
Cody: But… why? You always act like you hate me!
Trent: I don't hate you, Cody.
Cody: You told me to go shove my dick in a vacuum cleaner today, because it was the only way I'd ever be getting any action.
Trent (chuckling nervously): Did I? Sorry, I was really grumpy. Probably from all the pain meds I was taking for my injury.
Cody: Oh yeah. You were in the infirmary just this morning, weren't you?
Trent: I was. And you know what? Nobody came to visit me either. Not even Courtney.
Cody: I was hoping Katie would at least come to visit me… I thought we had something. (He sighs, looking down at his blanket.)
Trent: Well, I came to visit you, Cody. So maybe that should tell you who you can really trust.
Cody: You're manipulating me.
Trent: I'm not manipulating you. (He pauses for a moment, thinking.) What do you want, Cody? Katie? Is that what you want? (Cody nods.) Well, I'm pretty tight with Katie. And I definitely think that she's into you.
Cody: Wait… you're tight with Katie? The last interaction I remember between you two ended with you throwing a temper tantrum about her insulting your snow hat.
Trent: Oh, that was a petty fight. We've both matured since then. Do you want me to put in a good word for you or not?
Cody: Nah, I think I can win her over myself. (Trent stares into Cody's eyes.)
Trent: Really, Cody? I think you could use a little help. (Cody smiles confidently.)
Cody: Nah, I don't think I do.
Trent: Let me paint a picture for you, Cody. Close your eyes. (Cody cautiously shuts his eyes.) Now, imagine you and Ezekiel, living in a bachelor pad. The only two bachelors on the entire show. The only two without girlfriends. Just living together. Sharing some Sauvignon Blanc and a few romantic novels. The two of you, alone. Single forever. (He leans over, and whispers in Cody's ear.) Together forever. (Cody screams, and grabs Trent's shirt.)
Cody: Please, help me! PLEASE! I don't want that to be my future!
Trent: Okay, I will. Tomorrow, I'll make sure Katie falls for you. But tonight, all I ask is one simple favor.
Cody: What's that?
Trent: I want you to vote for Courtney with me. (Cody raises both eyebrows.)
Cody: Seriously, dude? If that's your request, then you've got a deal, my friend.
Trent: Awesome. Now, get your rest. You'll need your strength for the Campfire Ceremony. (He turns around and leaves the infirmary tent, a slight smirk stretching at the corners of his mouth.)
Confession Cam
Trent: Part One of the plan is complete. Everything is turning out perfectly.
Cody: Wow, Trent really opened my eyes to the future. Now I understand how crucial it is to win Katie over. Would it be weird if I pulled a bouquet of flowers out of my pants and gave it to her? Or would that seem mysterious and romantic? Not like I have a bouquet of flowers just stashed in my pants all the time. Heh heh. That would be weird. Heh heh.
End of Confessionals
Mess Hall
(The campers are all standing in the dinner line, waiting to be served.)
Bridgette (staring down at her bowl, which Chef has just dumped the contents of his ladle into): Seriously, tomato soup? You give us tomato soup after what happened today?
Chef: Hey, I was just trying to be efficient! And we're gonna be havin' tomato soup for a LONG time, because, damn, there were a lot of leftovers from that challenge! (Geoff, who is sitting at the table, quickly drops the spoon he has in his mouth, spits the soup back into the bowl, and runs to go throw up.)
Bridgette (shaking her head in disbelief): That's just wrong. (She walks to go sit down at the table, dumping her soup into the trash bin on the way there. The rest of the line walks to their tables without getting any soup from Chef. Chris then walks in, patting his hair, which is still filled with suds from his shower.)
Chris: I don't know about you guys, but I loved my shower. The water was warm… the soap was divine… and the towels! Oh, how fluffy and majestic they were.
Katie: Half the water that came out during my shower was purple!
Tyler: I'm pretty sure the soap tried to bite me.
Gwen: The towels you gave us were pieces of worn-out newspaper!
Chris: Well, you guys don't need the kind of showers I need. Hey, as long as you're clean, right? (He looks around at everyone's empty bowls.) Why is nobody eating?
Chef: BECAUSE THEY'RE UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BASTARDS, THAT'S WHY!
Gwen: Not even. It's because Hannah Cheftana over here was trying to feed us all the tomato vomit he cleaned up from today's challenge! (Chris turns to Chef, horror in his eyes.)
Chris: *gasp* Is this true, Chef?
Chef: Hell yeah! You got a problem with it?
Chris: No way! (He gives Chef a thumbs-up.) That's what we call being efficient!
Chef: Exactly! (He takes the ladle, fills it up with soup, and stuffs it in his mouth. He grins.) Delicious. Just needs a little more tomato. (The campers all try keep down their breakfast at this.)
Chris: Oh yeah, campers, I almost forgot. I have an announcement to make. Our very own Bieber Zeke will be performing tonight at the Campfire Ceremony! Give him a hand. (Everybody claps for Ezekiel, who stands up, bowing with pride.) That should be very entertaining. As long as he doesn't throw up on stage. Are you going to throw up on stage, Ezekiel?
Ezekiel: Nah. Bieber Zeke doesn't get nerves! (However, he is trembling, and his teeth are chattering nervously. DJ pats him on the back as he sits back down.)
DJ: You'll do great, man. Just be yourself.
Ezekiel: Which one of myselves, eh?
DJ: The real Zeke. (He points at Ezekiel's heart.) The one in here.
Ezekiel: The one in my man boobs? How does that work, eh?
DJ: No, man! Your heart!
Ezekiel: Oh. Oh! Thanks, DJ! You know, when I'm up here… (He points to the ceiling) and you're WAY doon there… (He points to the floor) I'll always remember you as being one of the little people I stepped on to make my way to the top.
DJ: Um… thanks.
Confession Cam
Ezekiel: Man, I'm lovin' the superstar life. Just when I flush the toilet, I feel like I'm doing something significant! When I pick my nose I get cheers! It's a dream come true! All my life I told myself, you just gotta believe, eh. If you believe, then anything's possible. Noo look at me! I'm rich, successful, poowerful… I have a show planned for tonight… I have a purpose. But you know what I realized? With all the throngs of fans I have, I still haven't signed any autographs! Not one! Now that's sacrilegious, eh. So you know what? The next person to use this bathroom, whoever they may be, will get my autograph. Just imagine the look on their face! I'll have made their life, eh! Man, I can't wait.
(Static)
(Noah walks in, and sits down on the toilet seat, before beginning his confessional.)
Noah: So, we were—(Suddenly, Ezekiel sticks his head through the window.)
Ezekiel: CONGRATULATIONS, EH! (Noah jumps up in surprise.)
Noah: GAH! Oh, it's just you. God, Ezekiel, you scared the hell out of me!
Ezekiel (wiggling his eyebrows): You're a very lucky man, Noah. A very lucky man.
Noah (sarcastically): Hm? Oh yeah. When a random man sticks his head through the window while I'm in the bathroom, I consider myself the luckiest man in the world.
Ezekiel: But I'm not a random man, eh. I'm Bieber Zeke! The teen superstar! And you've won my autograph. I know, I know, calm yourself doon, I'm telling the truth. Hoo do you feel aboot that?
Noah: I think I need to shut the window. Why is there a window in this bathroom anyway? Bathrooms shouldn't have windows!
Ezekiel: But what about yer autograph?
Noah: I'll pass.
Ezekiel (his shoulders slumping): Oh. Okay. I get ya.
Noah: Awesome. (He shuts the window.)
(Static)
Ezekiel: TAKE… THE… AUTOGRAPH! (Ezekiel has wrestled Noah to the floor, and the two are now struggling around in the grime.)
Noah: NO!
Ezekiel: Why not?!
Noah: Because I don't approve of you attacking me when I'm trying to be alone in private!
Ezekiel: Just take it, eh! C'MON!
Noah: Fine! Gosh!
Ezekiel: YAY! (He gets up off of Noah, and starts signing a piece of paper for him. As he writes, he looks up at Noah.) Should I address this to Noah, or Masaya Jedidiah? I can't decide which one would make more since. (He looks around, and sees that Noah is gone. He scowls.) You think you can get away? (He runs out the door of the confessional. Five seconds later, Noah's screams are heard in the distance.)
Ezekiel (from far off in the distance): THOUGHT YOU COULD RUN AWAY, HUH?! WELL YOU'LL NEVER ESCAPE ME UNTIL YOU TAKE THIS AUTOGRAPH! HEH, NEVER!
(Static)
Ezekiel (his hair tousled, mud all over his face): Man, sometimes I just can't seem to keep my fans off me. They really don't know hoo to give me personal space, eh.
End of Confessionals
(Gwen, Izzy, Lindsay, and Beth sit at the Screaming Ivy table, looking around.)
Lindsay: Like, where is everyone else?
Gwen: I have no idea where Courtney and Trent are, Cody's in the infirmary I guess, and Noah's probably in there too now, after getting attacked by the girls and then mauled by Ezekiel. But now would be a good time, Beth, to tell us who actually returned for the Redemption Cabin duel. I know it wasn't Duncan; you've made that obvious.
Beth (grinning): It was Alejandro. I said it was Duncan who returned to throw Trent off his game.
Izzy: Ooh, steamy! (She pats Mr. Fan, who is sitting in the seat next to her.) What do you think, Mr. Fan? (She leans over to listen. She then jumps back, blushing.) Oh, Mr. Fan, don't say such naughty words!
Gwen: Well, good job, Beth. That was some pretty decent strategy. I didn't know about you for a while there, what with you being best friends with Lindsay and all, but you're proving that you're nothing like that. (She cocks her head at Lindsay, who is staring at her fork as if it is some sort of alien device. Suddenly, Noah sits down at the table across from Izzy, his clothing torn and mud in his hair.)
Noah: Well, this has been an interesting afternoon. But I got an autograph out of it, so it's all good. (He laughs dryly, before scowling when he sees Mr. Fan sitting next to Izzy.) Why is it at our table now?
Izzy: Mr. Fan is a part of our team now!
Noah: No he isn't. (He pounds his fist against the table.) Here's a foreign concept to you, Izzy. Mr. Fan is not a human! He doesn't have a brain! He doesn't have emotions!
Izzy: He does too! You've just never talked with him!
Noah: Whatever. (He groans, and wipes the mud away from his eyes.) So we're voting for Trent, right?
Gwen: Yep. Courtney wants to vote for him, too. Supposedly Trent's been trying to sway people to vote for Courtney, though.
Noah: Really? Wow, I never thought I'd see that alliance crumble so quickly.
Gwen: I know, right? Somehow, this all doesn't feel real. (Suddenly, everybody hears a loud yelling from outside.)
Courtney: I HATE YOU!
Trent: I HATE YOU TOO! (The two stomp into the Mess Hall, arguing.)
Courtney: Why are you betraying me like this? I thought we had a deal!
Trent: Oh, I know you've been talking with everybody, trying to get them to vote for me! Don't lie about it!
Courtney: Only because you never respected me, Trent!
Trent: You've never respected me, Courtney! I've always been the bottom member in this alliance! It's because of the swirly thing on my chin, isn't it? You've always hated me because of that! I always get prejudice because of the weird swirly thing on my chin! But you know what? I THINK THAT WEIRD SWIRLY THING ON MY CHIN MAKES ME LOOK LIKE BUZZ F**KING LIGHTYEAR! (With that, he stomps out the other door of the Mess Hall. Courtney, fuming, stomps out the way she came. Noah watches them leave, before turning back to Gwen.)
Noah: You can't get any more real than that. (He scratches his head in wonder.) Wow, they've completely had it with each other. But then again, it makes sense. Their backs are against the wall; their only option now is turn on each other.
Gwen: Still, something feels… off. I can't quite place it.
Noah: Well, either way, Trent or Courtney will get booted. You can't go wrong with that. I think we should vote for Trent, though. For Izzy's sake.
Gwen: Alright. Is that agreed, everybody? Trent?
Izzy: What do you say, Mr. Fan? (She leans in to listen, before turning to her teammates.) Mr. Fan says that we should vote off Michael Jackson.
Noah: No. You're voting for Trent, got it? Michael Jackson's not on the island!
Izzy (her eyes gleaming mischievously): That's what he wants you to think.
Confession Cam
Noah: So, right now, it looks like Trent is leaving. But who knows what could happen? Some people could be swayed to Courtney. I don't really care which one of them goes home. You can't go wrong with either.
Courtney (grinning): Everything is going exactly as planned.
Katie: Something weird is happening with the Screaming Ivies. I'm not sure what it is, but I have a feeling something big is going on that nobody but Trent or Courtney seems to know about.
End of Confessionals
Outside the Screaming Ivy Cabin
Chris: So, you didn't chicken out.
Noah: Nope. It's six o'clock exactly.
Chris: I like a man who's punctual. Okay, take this. (He hands Noah a ski mask.)
Noah: Seriously? Do we need these?
Chris: You want to hide your identity, right? (He puts his on.) This will make it so nobody recognizes us.
Noah: I'll pass.
Chris: No! Put the damn ski mask on! We're not going to have our whole plan ruined by carelessness on your part. (Noah groans and puts the ski mask on. Chris nods in satisfaction.) Excellent. Now, come with me. (He leads Noah over to a window leading into the Screaming Ivy Girls Cabin. There, inside, is Mr. Fan, sitting by himself.)
Chris: Look at him. He doesn't suspect a thing.
Noah: Chris, I think this might not be the best idea. Maybe we shouldn't do this.
Chris: NO! We have both sacrificed too much to get here. We can't step down now.
Noah: What have we sacrificed? We could turn back right now, and we wouldn't have lost anything.
Chris: You'll have lost Izzy. You don't understand the severity of the situation, obviously. You see, Mr. Fan isn't like other men. He'll give you pleasure like you've never experienced it before. But Mr. Fan will play with your emotions, tug on them sharply. He'll rip out your heart, chew it up in his propeller blades, spit it out, stomp on it until it's just a mushy paste on the ground. Yet you'll keep coming back for more. Because you're a slave. A SLAVE TO DEVOTION!
Noah: It's just a fan! Not some sort of omnipotent being!
Chris: That's what you think, Noah. But you haven't experienced a night with Mr. Fan. You don't know what it's like. And trust me, if Izzy stays with Mr. Fan much longer, you'll have lost her forever. This is not just about saving your manhood, Noah, this is about saving your girlfriend. (Noah sighs.)
Noah: Then let's just get this over with.
Chris: Okay, then let's get this done before anyone arrives at the cabin. (They quickly sneak through the door, and grab Mr. Fan by the handles on either side. Chris nods at Noah.) Alright, we're going to lift on three. Ready? One, two, three. (The two lift the fan up, and Noah groans in pain.)
Noah: Ow.
Chris: What happened?
Noah: I think both my arms were just pulled out of their sockets.
Chris: We have no time for your old man-like health, Noah! (He suddenly hears Gwen and Beth, approaching the cabin.) They're coming! We have to get out of here! (Despite Noah's pain, the two throw open the door to the cabin, hefting Mr. Fan with them, and quickly sprint off in the direction of the docks. They just avoid Gwen and Beth noticing them as the two girls walk up towards the cabin, talking.)
Gwen: My, I really didn't think the day where Courtney and Trent turned against each other would come so soon. It's not even the merge yet!
Beth: And I can't believe it's practically all my doing! (They start to walk up the steps to the cabin, when Trent walks out of the boys' side and halts them.)
Trent: I need to talk to you two.
Gwen: We're not interested in whatever you want, Trent.
Trent: C'mon, give me a chance. Give me nine seconds to catch your attention.
Gwen: I'll give you ten.
Trent: No, give me nine! It's my lucky number!
Gwen: Fine, nine. Go.
Trent: I know you two are voting for me right now, but I want you to reconsider. (He smiles.) I know you two secretly want to vote for Courtney. You know she's a bigger threat than me.
Beth: It's true, she is.
Trent: You're wasting my nine seconds, Beth! Anyways, if you two vote with me, we'll have five votes against Courtney. Cody's already in on the plan. I talked to Noah just a few minutes ago, and he seems to be on board, too. Five votes are enough to take Courtney out, as there are eight people on our team.
Gwen: Great, Trent. You can count.
Trent: Will you do it or not?
Gwen: I'll consider.
Trent: Tell me now.
Gwen: Why?
Trent: Just tell me!
Gwen: Fine! Beth and I will vote for Courtney! Are you happy now? (She suddenly realizes Trent has disappeared.) Where did he go?
Beth: That was creepy. So are we actually going to vote for Courtney?
Gwen: I don't see why not. Just imagine, Beth! No more of her rants about toothpaste conservation!
Beth: Oh, yes, that'll be heaven. (The two enter the cabin, fantasizing happily.)
Killer Redwoods Cabin (Boys)
(Ezekiel stands in front of the mirror, taking deep breaths. He's now in his full pop star get-up, complete with Katie's skinny jeans. He takes out some maple syrup and slathers his hair in it, to style it just the way he likes. Once he's satisfied, he grins at his own reflection, admiring his looks. However, his reflection's expression quickly turns into a sneer.)
Ezekiel's Reflection: Look at you. Using maple syrup as a hair product. You're not a pop star. And you know what? You're going to fail. The whole camp is going to laugh at you.
Ezekiel: Who… who are you? Hoo do you know this, eh?
Ezekiel's Reflection: Who am I? Why, I'm you, Ezekiel. At least, I'm the reasonable side of you. And I know you're going to fail because it's obvious. You can't sing, you have no style, and for god's sakes, stop saying "Jack my swag" all the time! It doesn't make you sound gangster, it makes you sound like a moron!
Ezekiel: J-jack… J-jack my swag isn't cool?
Ezekiel's Reflection: Oh, it's cool. But not when you say it! In fact, if you ever do anything that's considered cool, you always manage to make it seem retarded! Face it, Ezekiel. You don't know what to do with yourself. You keep on trying these ways to fit in, and every time, you just isolate yourself even more from the normal teens.
Ezekiel: I-I… I'm normal, eh! Why would you say such mean things to me? (Geoff, DJ, and Tyler, who are also in the cabin, look up and see him yelling at his reflection. They watch as he listens to some unheard voice, before speaking up again.)
Ezekiel: C'mon, eh! I'm not an emotional train wreck! (He pauses, listening. Then he scowls.) My package is plenty big enough, I'll have you know! (The three jocks look at each other and shrug. They get off their bunks, and Geoff comes up and places a calming hand on Ezekiel's shoulder. Ezekiel whips around to face him, his eyes blood-shot and his face pale.)
Geoff: Whoa, dude! Are you okay, man? (Ezekiel's eyes soften.)
Ezekiel: Yeah. Just some nerves, eh. I don't want to fail in front of everyone tonight while I'm singing.
Geoff: Dude, you're not going to fail. And even if you do, look at it this way. In every bowl of Raisin Bran, there are two scoops of raisins.
Ezekiel: Um… what does that mean, eh?
Geoff: Hm. I don't know. I didn't really think about that metaphor before I said it. The point is, you can't fear failure, dude! You have to embrace it, like a welcome acquaintance. Learn to love failure like you love yourself. Because after all, all you really are is failure. Actually, no, that sounded really bad. What I'm saying is, you want to learn to use your failure to your advantage. Then get control over your failure. In fact, make failure your bitch!
Ezekiel: Thanks, Geoff. I'll heed your advice carefully.
Geoff: Then, once you get back to the cabin after rocking it onstage, we'll throw the most massive party you've ever seen! It'll be so big, it'll send Katie through ten menstrual cycles in two minutes.
Ezekiel: Damn, that's big. Well, thanks for the support, guys. It really means a lot, eh.
DJ: We're all rooting for you, Ezekiel. We hope you do great! (Tyler glares at DJ.)
Tyler: DJ, why would you say something like that?
DJ: What did I say now? (Ignoring him, Tyler turns to face Ezekiel, and grabs him by his shoulders.)
Tyler: Ezekiel, don't listen to DJ. He doesn't know how to keep a positive attitude. He doesn't believe in you. But I do. So fight through adversity, Ezekiel, no matter what it takes! Can you do that for me?
Ezekiel: I will do that, eh. I will do all of that! (His eyes fill up with tears.) You guys are the best friends a man could ask for. Thank you so much, eh.
Tyler: Don't thank us. Thank me and Geoff. (DJ rolls his eyes at this.) NOW GO! FLY, EZEKIEL, FLY! (Ezekiel nods.)
Ezekiel: I will fly! (With that, he lunges out the window. There is a huge thud as he hits the railing outside the cabin, before spilling onto the ground, moaning in pain. Then he gets up, and runs off, cheering and whooping. Tyler then turns to DJ accusingly.)
Tyler: I can't believe you, DJ. Trying to crush a man's dreams? That's just sick. (He shakes his head in disgust, and walks back to his bunk, leaving DJ standing there, perplexed.)
Confession Cam
DJ: Obviously, this little conflict with Tyler has not been resolved yet. But I'm going to get to the bottom of it before too long. Seriously, he critiques everything I do! He even critiques how I breathe! He says I don't use my diaphragm enough. Since when is there a correct way to breathe?
Geoff: I know Ezekiel's gonna rock it. The dude's got spunk, after all. And then after he's done with that, I'm gonna throw the hugest party ever! We might even able to uproot the cabin from the ground; we'll be partying so hard.
End of Confessionals
Outside of the Screaming Ivy Cabin
(Gwen is now exiting the cabin, having changed clothes. She looks forward, and gasps in surprise. There, underneath a tree just ten yards away, are Trent and Courtney, holding hands. Trent beams and stares into Courtney's eyes, making the C.I.T. giggle. Gwen raises her eyebrows, and rubs her eyes furiously. When she looks again, they're gone. She shrugs.)
Gwen: Hm. Must've just been a trick of the light. A very detailed trick of the light.
Confession Cam
Gwen: So I'm exiting the cabin, when I see Courtney and Trent holding hands, just ten yards away. Why would you be holding hands if you've been trying to backstab each other all afternoon? At first I thought it was just a trick of the light, but then the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there's no way light could do something that vivid. So now I'm extremely confused. What is going on that none of us know about? What are we all so blind to? I've got a bad feeling. I just know something bad is going to happen tonight.
Noah: Well, Chris and I did it. Mr. Fan is at the bottom of Lake Wawanakwa now. And as much as I feel relieved about it, I also feel extremely guilty. I mean, I know it's just a fan. But I just know Izzy will be crushed. (He shrugs.) Whatever. It was about time she ended her constant relationships with inanimate objects, and started moving to humans.
End of Confessionals
Campfire Ceremony
Chris: Well, here we are. (He looks out at Lindsay, Beth, Izzy, Cody, Trent, Courtney, Gwen, and Noah, sitting on tree stumps.) Now, before we get to the campfire ceremony, which surely is going to be a dramatic one, we have a performance for everyone! Everyone turn your attention to the stage Chef has set up in front of you. And give a warm Wawanakwa welcome to… Bieber Zeke!
Courtney: God, he's actually doing a performance?
Chris (grinning with his camera out, ready to film): I know. This is going to YouTube straight away. (Suddenly, there is a puff of smoke, and Ezekiel appears on the stage, wearing a purple sweater vest and tight pink skinny jeans. He's also added sparkling sequins to his toque. His hair looks more like Justin Bieber's than ever before, and he's wearing blue shades that are five sizes too big for his head. He strikes a pose, to the laughter of the Screaming Ivy team. He grins, thinking they are laughing with him, and nods at Chef to toss him a mic. Chef tosses it to him and it hits the homeschool in the head, knocking him over. This makes the audience members laugh even harder. Ezekiel, stumbling around but grinning, grabs the mic and starts yelling into it.)
Ezekiel: How are you all doin' tonight, eh?! Are you excited to be here?
Audience: Noooooo!
Ezekiel: I can't hear you! (He puts a hand to his ear.)
Audience: NOOOOOOOOO! (Ezekiel claps his hands.)
Ezekiel: That's the spirit! My name's Bieber Zeke, the world-renoo'ned singer-songwriter. But you know what? I started out just like you guys, before I became a pop star, eh. Well, actually I started out as a sexist, Vitamin-D deprived homeschool. Then I became a wannabe gangster, followed by a rabid monster, then a maniac hell bent on taking over the camp, then a normal guy just tryin' to fit in, then a Pokemon master, then a nudist body painter, then a shoo'wer fanatic, then a ladies' man, before I finally became what I am today.
Trent: A loser?
Ezekiel: No! A winner! And I've got a great show for you tonight. You will cry, you will laugh, you will probably poop in your pants, eh. But it'll all be worth it in the end, trust me. Now, we're gonna slow things down for my first song. Men, if you've got a lady in the crowd, put yer arm around her, eh! And men, if you've got a man in the crowd, I aint hatin', you can put yer arm around him, too. And ladies, if there's another lady in the crowd that you wanna put yer arm around, then don't hold back, and don't mind me if I get a nosebleed, eh! Heh heh. And if you aint got a girl, or another man, then you can always hug yourself, eh. Because self-acceptance is an important trait to have. Really accepting oneself is all you can ever—
Courtney: Just get on with it!
Ezekiel: Okay, Courtney. Courtney! You came to see my performance, eh!
Courtney: We all were forced to, you moron!
Ezekiel: Coolio. Well, I'll make sure that this is a night you guys won't forget. So, put yer arm around whoever you want! It doesn't matter who it is! Just put yer arm around someone, eh! I won't start singing until that happens. (Tentatively, Noah puts his arm around Izzy. She responds by biting his neck. Noah grimaces in pain, but smiles when she puts her arm around him, too. Chris gives the bookworm the thumbs-up, before putting his arm around Chef, only to get shoved off. Gwen groans as Cody puts his arm around her, and Lindsay and Beth put their arms around each other. Now that leaves only Trent and Courtney, who refuse to look at each other, their arms crossed. Ezekiel smiles at them.)
Ezekiel: C'mon, you two. Just put yer arms around each other!
Courtney and Trent: NO!
Ezekiel: Fine, sheesh. I'll just get started with the song, then. (He is about to start singing into the mic, when suddenly, Katie's voice rings out over the campfire pit.)
Katie: EZEKIEL, ARE THOSE MY SKINNY JEANS YOU'RE WEARING?! (Ezekiel drops the mic in fear.)
Ezekiel: You said I could borrow them, eh! No! Stay back! AHHHHH! (He runs off stage as Katie chases after him. Everyone is silent for a while, not speaking, as they listen to Ezekiel scream from over by the docks. Finally, Katie comes walking by, her skinny jeans in her hands, ripped and torn and covered in mud. She stomps by, and off to the cabin. Five seconds later, Ezekiel walks back on stage, in only his underwear. He chuckles awkwardly, before throwing his hands up in the air.)
Ezekiel: Tah-dah! (Chris coughs, loosening his collar.)
Chris: Um, I hate to break it to you, Ezekiel, but I think this may be the end to your pop star career. But then again, you could only really go up from here.
Chef: Hey, don't you be hating! (He salutes Ezekiel.) I thought you did an excellent job, soldier. The song had a catchy tune; the lyrics were nice and simple… I think you did fine!
Trent: He didn't even sing!
Chef: SHUT UP, BOY! You're just jealous that you couldn't come up with lyrics that he did! (He looks towards the stage, and sees that Ezekiel's gone.) Where'd he go? (They all see Ezekiel with his shoulders slumped as he walks away in his underwear. Chef glares at Trent.)
Chef: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID, YOU PIECE OF ****!
Trent: Oh, he'll be fine. He'll just move onto some other dumb obsession. (Everyone continues to scowl at him.) Geez, people are touchy tonight.
Gwen: What happened to "leaving with your dignity", Trent? I thought you might be turning a new leaf.
Trent: It doesn't matter what happened to that. I was weak back then. I realized that I need to win this competition. I can't give up now.
Gwen: That doesn't mean you have to be a jerk!
Trent: It also doesn't mean I have to be nice, either. (Gwen just stares at him, shaking her head in disbelief.)
Confession Cam
Ezekiel: *Sniff*… As kind as Chef's words were, I knew it was over. Trent's right. You only get one chance in this industry, and I blew it, eh. (He stares down at the ground for a few more seconds, before his eyes brighten and he smiles.) Oh well! Now I can just switch to my plan B: Being a toilet diver! That's much more rewarding anyways. (He takes out a scuba suit, puts it on, and climbs into the toilet. Winking, he closes the lid behind him.)
End of Confessionals
Chris: Okay, time to get down to business. We've got lots of questioning to get to, if we want to sort through the mess that this team's become. (He places both hands on his knees, and faces them.) Screaming Ivy, you lost both challenges today, rather pathetically. The Killer Redwoods crushed you into the dirt! Who do you believe is the main reason for this?
Gwen: It's obviously Trent. He threw the first challenge, and then he didn't even compete in the second challenge.
Trent: Oh yeah? And what did you do, Gwen? That's right! Nothing! You just sat there and acted Goth!
Courtney: No, Gwen's right, Trent. You tried to be the leader, and you failed pathetically. You almost killed Izzy!
Trent: Why does everybody have to keep bringing that up? (He beckons to Izzy.) Izzy's alive! Izzy's healthy! Not mentally, of course, but we can't help that. I don't see what I did wrong.
Noah: Personally, I can't think of anything you did right.
Courtney: I wouldn't be getting on his case, Noah. We lost the second challenge under your leadership!
Noah: Hey, I won my round. What did you do? Oh yeah! Stampede around like a raging bull until you went right off the platform!
Courtney: Not even true. And you only won because Tyler was an idiot. If it weren't for him, you would've been humiliated by DJ!
Noah: It doesn't matter what should've happened. I won, and you didn't, simple as that.
Trent: Hey, Courtney wasn't the only one who lost her round. Lindsay over here was too busy sexting Chris during the challenge to even pay attention!
Chris: We weren't sexting! Were we, Lindsay?
Lindsay (looking down at her phone): I don't know. Does "Your DDD's have got me D-d-delirious" count as sexting?
Trent: Yes, it does! You should've been paying attention to the challenge, Lindsay, instead of the creepy messages Chris was sending you.
Beth: How do you know about all this, Trent? You weren't even there at the duels!
Trent: I was there in my heart. I could see everything. I saw you, Beth, waste tomatoes like you waste beauty products on a face that will never be improved. (Beth gasps at this, and tears well up in her eyes.)
Gwen: Okay, that's just crossing the line, Trent.
Trent: Oh, so there are lines now? Sorry, Gwen, but the lines between good and bad in this game are so skewed that it's impossible to cross any of them!
Gwen: There's still a line, Trent, and you crossed it. That was not okay.
Trent: Let's switch the focus back to Courtney. (Courtney scowls at him, and he smirks back at her.) So tell us, Courtney, is there a reason you felt it necessary to grill Lindsay and Beth like prisoners?
Courtney: Oh, don't you even try to attack me, Trent! I'll take you down!
Trent: I'll attack you if I want!
Courtney: No you won't!
Trent: YES I WILL!
Courtney: No you won't! I am a C.I.T.!
Gwen: Oh, enough of that bull****. You've been using that excuse since the first episode of Season 1. And what? Do you think that it makes you more entitled than the rest of us?
Courtney: It means I have a certain authority that is meant to be respected!
Gwen: You still blew it today, Courtney, and you know it.
Courtney: Well, what about Cody? (Cody looks up in surprise.)
Cody: Yeah, what about me?
Courtney: Well, for one, you were in the infirmary during the immunity challenge, so you didn't help us at all there. And second, I happen to remember you pretty much doing the entire reward challenge on the Killer Redwoods team!
Cody: Hey, you can't blame me for that. (He places both hands on his heart.) I was driven by love. And love is a powerful—
Gwen: We don't care if you were driven by love! You're not going to win over Katie, and if you do, she'll just be using you!
Cody: I'm astonished to hear you say that, Gwen. I thought you, of all people, would want me to be happy—
Gwen: You won't be happy if you're with Katie! She'll just turn you into a slave, like she turned DJ!
Cody (crossing his arms): Whatever. But I won't give up. THE CODE-MEISTER DOESN'T RELENT!
Noah: I still think Trent is the main reason for our problems.
Trent: Hey, it's not all me! And what about Izzy? We haven't talked about her yet. (They all look over at Izzy, who has been mysteriously silent, and see her stuffing rocks into her pants.)
Beth: Um… what are you doing?
Izzy: Preparing, my dear child. (Her eyes glint excitedly.)
Trent: Yeah… okay. But seriously, I think we're all forgetting about what Izzy did earlier today. Remember her rolling rampage? She nearly flattened everyone! She is a hazard to the team, a hazard to the environment, and a hazard to humanity in general.
Izzy: Thank you for the beautiful compliment, Trent. (She wipes a happy tear away from her eye.) That's the kindest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Trent: See? Look at her! She relishes the fact that she's a psychopath like one would relish a fine glass of wine and a good book!
Courtney (sarcastically): Oh, and you're perfectly sane, Trent.
Trent: Well, I certainly don't go down on air conditioning devices, like she does!
Courtney: Even if you are saner than Izzy, everyone agrees you're still our weakest link. That's why we abandoned you in a ditch.
Trent: How could I be the weakest link? (He props up his leg on the stump next to him, and points to it.) Look at these calves! They're the best, juiciest calves on the whole team. My calves are like two ripe, juicy cantaloupes!
Noah: Yeah… we really don't need that description. Face it, Trent. This team would be ten times better without you.
Trent: Oh, c'mon! At least I don't… (As he and Noah continue to argue, Courtney and Gwen start to have at it as well. Izzy starts arguing with Cody, and Beth and Lindsay start yelling at each other about who-knows-what. Chris sits there, watching the commotion with a depressed expression. He tries to speak, but can't get his voice heard over the chaos. His eyelid twitches. The host then yells as loud as he can.)
Chris: SILENCE! (Everyone falls silent. Chris stands up, and starts to pace back and forth. He stops for a second and looks at them, before pacing for another five minutes. Finally, he stops, and sits back down on his stump. He addresses the campers.)
Chris: I'm not quite sure what's happened, guys. What I overheard just now did not impress me, I'm afraid to say. I heard betrayal, I heard fighting, I heard hormones raging at the speed of light. (He lets out an exasperated sigh.) This team used to be so tight, so indestructible! (He beckons to them in frustration.) But what I see before me is no team at all! I see a team that backstabs each other at every turn, I see a team that is slowly crumbling before my eyes! (He wipes a tear away from his eye.) And it makes me sad. I used to look at you guys and say, "Now that's a team I'm proud of. That's a team I'd like to be on." But that's not the case anymore. (He starts to silently weep.)
Gwen: God, Chris, calm down! It's not that big of a deal!
Chris: It is a big deal! Here at Total Drama, we want each team to be a close-knit, loving group there to support each other through every bump in the road. But not you guys. You know where I think this all began? Once Alejandro left. Sure, he was selfish, sure he was arrogant, but he was a leader. Does this team even have a leader anymore?
Courtney (glaring at Trent): Only one that that was a self-centered jerk!
Trent: At least I didn't have to cheat my way into the competition! At least I don't have my lawyer fight all my battles for me!
Courtney: Now you're bringing out the lawyer card? How dare you! HOW DARE YOU! (They are about to lunge at each other, when Chris halts them.)
Chris: Whoa whoa whoa, guys! Calm down, please. Since when did you two become mortal enemies?
Courtney: Ever since Trent went around telling people to vote me off.
Trent: You were doing the exact same thing!
Chris: Ooo, this is juicy! I love it! (He claps his hands in delight.) I love backstabbing.
Noah: Chris, just five seconds ago you were talking about how you hated all the backstabbing going on!
Chris: Huh? No I didn't. You must be mistaken.
Noah: Whatever.
Chris: So, Trent and Courtney turning against each other. (He starts writing in his notepad.) How could I turn that into a good chapter name? Should I call it, "Trent and Courtney Turn Against Each Other?" Or does that give away too much? Maybe it should be something like "The Flowers in the Rain Storm". Or maybe that's too abstract. Maybe I should stick with a simple one, like "Chris Acts Super Sexy". But then again, every chapter of this story could be titled that.
Gwen: What are you talking about? Seriously, Chris, sometimes we all have no idea what the hell you're smoking.
Chris (clutching his head): I don't know. I don't think I've been getting enough sleep. It's because of my new mattress. It's soooo lumpy! I don't know what's in there, but it's giving me the worst back problems. Whatever, I'll figure that out later. Okay, time to vote.
Confession Cam
Izzy (wiping her sweat away from her forehead): Whew. My grenade collection remains undiscovered for another day.
Courtney: One vote for Trent. (She smirks.) Nobody will have ever seen this coming.
Beth: Trent, you tried to kill Izzy, you insulted me to the point of tears, and you bragged about your calves. You're a poser if I ever saw one. But I'm still not voting for you. Does that make me an idiot? Probably. But I have to stick with what I know will benefit me with my game moving forward. (She grins.) OMG, that sounded sooo strategic!
Gwen: As much as I want to believe that either Trent or Courtney will be going home, I still have a horrible feeling that everyone's going to be shocked when they both somehow survive tonight. I know that sounds impossible, but I have these premonitions. These visions of dark destruction. Of desolate pain and misery. (She shrugs.) Guess it comes with being Goth.
Trent: So you think I'm going home? Well, I'll tell you right now, that's not going to happen. How, do you ask? Well, you'll have to see. (He pauses for a second.) Okay, who am I even addressing?
Noah: Well, either Trent or Courtney will finally be leaving. Oh, how sweet that will be! We'll have to throw a huge celebration. Maybe Izzy and I can… (He pauses, sighing.) Oh yeah. She'll probably be looking for Mr. Fan. And when she doesn't find him… (He grimaces.) Maybe that wasn't the best idea. But Chris was just so convincing, and… (Suddenly, he hears a gurgling noise coming from inside the toilet. Noah stops speaking, and his eyes widen. Slowly, he reaches down and lifts up the toilet seat. Ezekiel sticks his head out, wearing a scuba mask. The two stare at each other, before Noah looks at the camera. Slowly, the braniac lowers the toilet lid back down on Ezekiel. Then he waits for a second, before sprinting out of the Confessional as fast as he can.)
End of Confessionals
Chris: Well, the votes have been tallied. And I must say, tonight is a shocker. Now, we don't have granola bars tonight, because the shipment we ordered didn't come in this morning as planned. So instead, we will be giving out… (He whips out a platter with seven tomatoes on it.) Tomatoes!
Gwen: You can't be serious. You're giving us frickin' tomatoes?
Chris: Hey, we still have an abundance of them from today's challenge. Besides, I kind of like the idea of immunity tomatoes. Just imagine, biting into the cool surface of the tomato, savoring the pulpy, succulent taste and the fact that you're safe and the others aren't.
Noah: Just imagine, hurling the tomato back at Chris's face, watching in satisfaction as it splatters over the host's surgically modified cheekbones, enjoying the fact that this man, who gives pointlessly detailed descriptions of biting into tomatoes, has been publicly shamed and humiliated in front of everyone.
Chris: You better not throw any tomatoes at me! Just for that, Noah, you get your tomato thrown at you. (He winds his arm back, and hurls the tomato as hard as he can at Noah. It goes about five feet forward, before plopping into the dirt. Everyone bursts out laughing, and Chris blushes as bright as a tomato.)
Chris: You were supposed to catch that, Noah!
Noah: How? It landed twenty yards away from me!
Chris: It was a good throw. You should've been there. Anyways, Noah, that means you're safe. (Noah shrugs and stands up, walking over to stand next to Chris.)
Chris: Now, for the rest of you, when I call your name, come up, and take your tomato. Remember, the person who does not receive a tomato not only must take the dangerous, dreaded walk to Redemption Cabin, but they also miss out on a great chance at getting a good source of Vitamin C. Vitamin C standing for Vitamin Chris.
Courtney: That's not what Vitamin C stands for.
Chris: Oh? Then what does it stand for? Vitamin Courtney? Ha, yeah right.
Cody: No, Vitamin C is actually just another word for Ascorbic acid. It helps with the growth and repair of tissue in your body. (Chris stares at him for a second.)
Chris: Nah, I'm pretty sure it stands for Vitamin Chris. Anyways, let's put this nutrition debate aside for a moment and get with the calling of the names. When I call your name, you know what to do. (He pauses.) Gwen. (Gwen heaves a sigh of relief, and grabs her tomato. Chris scowls at her as she takes a random one off the platter without even looking.)
Chris: What was that? You didn't even look at your tomato before you took it!
Gwen: So?
Chris: So? You didn't even check to see if it was ripe! You didn't feel its skin, you didn't check for bruises, you just took a random tomato without a single cautionary measure!
Gwen: I'm sorry. So what, do I get put in jail now?
Chris: I'll let you off with a warning. Alright, the next two tomatoes go to Lindsay and Beth. (The two girls squeal, and run up to grab their tomatoes. They then hug each other happily. Chris wipes a tear away from his eye.)
Chris: Ah, the beauty of friendship. See, that's what I want to see more of on this team.
Trent: You want to see us act like brain-washed, squealing idiots?
Chris: I want you to hug! Hugging is such a powerful thing, you know. One hug could be the difference between a man becoming a successful TV show host, and him committing suicide. That man was me. The hug was from Chef. (His eyes fill up with tears.) I'll never forget that day. It was a Thursday. We were—
Courtney: We don't want to hear any more gay stories of you and Chef! Just get on with it!
Chris: Fine! But you're not getting the next tomato because of that. The next tomato goes to Izzy! (Izzy walks up, and looks at each tomato. She picks up the first one and glances at it for a second, before putting it down. She picks up the second one, and puts it to her lips. Slowly, she wraps her tongue around the outside of the tomato, coating it in her saliva. Then she puts it back down on the tray, and grabs the third tomato.)
Izzy: I'll take this one.
Courtney: No way. Chris, she can't do that! She licked that tomato, now she has to take it!
Chris: Now now, she was just making sure she was choosing the right tomato. An important choice, really.
Trent: God, will you stop treating these tomatoes like they're divine spirits?! They're just f**king tomatoes! They're not magical, they're not special, and choosing which one you want should not be treated like choosing a religion!
Chris (shaking his head): They're more than tomatoes, Trent. You just can't see the big picture, can you?
Trent: And what, when you go to the farmer's market, is it like attending a religious convent? Seriously, this is ridiculous.
Chris: Whatever, Trent. You need to watch your mouth, though, young man. (He looks back at the three remaining campers yet to have received a tomato.) Cody, Courtney, and Trent, there are only two tomatoes left on my plate. The next tomato goes to Cody. (A collective sigh of relief comes from the group already with their tomatoes at seeing that the bottom two is, in fact, Courtney and Trent. Gwen shrugs and smiles at Noah.)
Gwen: I guess they were just trying to mess with our heads. (Noah nods.)
Noah: This should be fun to watch. (Chris now faces Courtney and Trent, beaming sadistically.)
Chris: Well, well, well. Courtney and Trent. The bottom two. I didn't think I'd see this. (He sneers at Trent.) Not so cocky now, are we? Now you don't have any more snide comments. Not when I know your fate, and I can choose to prolong the revealing of it with as many "Dot Dot Dot's" as I want to. (He turns and smirks at Courtney.) Not so loud now, either. Well, one of you will not receive the final tomato. Who's it gonna be? Let's find out right now. (He stares at Courtney and Trent, who are both trembling fiercely now. He looks into Trent's fearful eyes. He stares at Courtney's chattering teeth. Then he glances at Lindsay's chest. Finally, he picks up the final tomato, and holds it into the air.)
Chris: THE FINAL TOMATO! WHO WILL RECEIVE IT? LET US BEGIN THE CEREMONY! Chef, begin the bongo drums! (He claps his hands, and Chef starts to beat on two bongo drums, chanting. Chris strokes the tomato for a second, before speaking once more.)
Chris: Courtney, Trent, your actions have a price. And now, one of you will pay the ultimate sacrifice. Who's it gonna be? (He takes a deep breath.) The final tomato goes to…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
Neither of you! Because it's a tie! (Everyone gasps, and Chris nods.)
Chris: Yep, we have our first tie vote of the season. Both Trent and Courtney received four votes each. (Everyone is silent, in shock. Finally, Gwen speaks.)
Gwen: So… what does that mean? Will there be a tie-breaker?
Noah: Will there be a revote?
Izzy: Will there be a group orgy? (Everyone stares at her.) What? I'm just trying to throw out some suggestions here!
Chris: Actually, we have a new rule for tie votes this year. After Total Drama World Tour, where we kept on having tie votes and didn't know what to do, we decided to make a new set-in-stone rule for when they happen this year.
Beth: So what is the new rule?
Chris: It's one I'm sure you're not going to be too happy with. Please don't maul me after I've said it.
Cody: Well, what is it, man? Tell us! (Chris swallows deeply, and chuckles.)
Chris: Well, according to the Total Drama Returns Rulebook, in the case of a tie vote, there will be a revote. But, there's a twist…
Gwen (her teeth clenched): Tell us, Chris. (Chris tugs at his collar, and continues speaking.)
Chris: So yeah, there will be a revote. But here's the twist. You can vote for everyone…
Courtney: … except for the people that received votes previously. (Everybody gasps, and turns to see her and Trent, smirking.)
Noah: Wait a minute. What? (Courtney and Trent stand up, holding hands and smiling.)
Courtney: Yep. It's the new rule. Says so right here in the Total Drama rulebook. (She holds it up.)
Lindsay: Um… why is there a picture of Kyle naked on the front?
Trent (shrugging): Don't ask.
Gwen: Wait a minute. So are you saying that because we all voted for Trent and Courtney the first time around, that means we can't vote for them again?
Chris: Yep. Heh heh. (He backs away from Gwen.) DON'T HURT ME! I didn't make the rule! It was Chef! JUST DON'T KILL ME! If I had known that it would've happened with Trent and Courtney, I wouldn't have made the rule! I swear!
Courtney: Well, it's the rule nonetheless.
Noah: Wait… so that means Courtney and Trent are automatically safe?!
Chris: Unfortunately, yes. The rest of you aren't, however. So I'm going to have to ask you to pass back your tomatoes, and take a seat back on the stumps. (Everyone, in shock, shuffles by Chris and places their tomato back on the tray, so that there are seven again. Gwen sits down on the stump next to Noah, still speechless.)
Gwen: This… this can't be happening…
Courtney: Oh, it's happening, Gwenny. (The Goth girl looks forward, and sees Courtney and Trent now standing towards the front, facing the rest of the Screaming Ivy members with cocky grins on their faces. Courtney rubs Trent's back, while Trent massages her shoulder.)
Gwen: Wait a minute. It all makes sense now… the fact that you suddenly turned on each other, out of the blue… talking to us individually and convincing us to vote for the other… you were planning this all along!
Trent: Spot on, Gothy. It required perfect precision, but we were able to go behind the scenes and manipulate all of you so that exactly four people would vote for Courtney and four people would vote for me. You all fell into our trap perfectly.
Gwen: I saw you two holding hands before the Campfire Ceremony! I should've realized it then… (She clutches her face.) God, I'm so stupid.
Beth: So what happens now?
Trent: What happens now? Well, I'll tell you what happens now. One of the six of you is getting kicked off. Now Courtney and I just get to watch as your alliance crumbles before our very eyes.
Chris: Precisely, Trent. And the best part is, the six of you will have no time to strategize, no time to figure out who's voting for who.
Courtney: Exactly. So this should be fun. (She smirks at Noah, who is staring at the ground.) Smart little Noah. Thought he had gotten rid of us. (Suddenly, Noah looks up at her, his face contorted in anger.)
Noah: Shut up! Stop acting so cocky, for god's sake! The only reason you two are safe is because everyone hated you! But so what? We'll just vote you off next time! And that time, you won't get off on some cheap rule!
Trent: Hm? Is that a temper I see coming from you, Noah? I didn't know you had it in you. (Noah just shakes his head, trembling in anger, and doesn't speak. Izzy pats him on the back. Meanwhile, Chris is counting the tomatoes.)
Chris: Okay, there are the seven tomatoes. See? Look guys! I've finally mastered counting! (Everybody just scowls at him.) Gosh, why are you so angry at me? Okay, look, I get it. The rule's cheap. But a rule is a rule, so therefore, this rule must be ruled.
Beth: Let's just get on with the revote, then.
Chris: Alright, first, let me give Trent and Courtney their tomatoes. (Trent and Courtney each grab a tomato, and bite in. Trent licks his lips after he's done swallowing his bite.)
Trent: You're right, Chris, that does taste good. It tastes even better knowing that one of these losers won't be getting to taste it. (He sneers over at Noah, making the bookworm's face grow red in anger.)
Chris: Oh, yay! (He turns to Lindsay, Beth, Cody, Noah, Gwen, and Izzy, who are all still glaring at him.) See? Trent learned to love tomatoes! Isn't that great? (When they continue to glare at him, he sighs.) Listen, I'm sorry about this. I'll make it up to you, okay? At least, the five of you who make it past tonight. As for the person who gets voted off, well, sorry about that.
Courtney: Oh, Trent, I can't believe this worked… (She looks into his eyes lovingly. Trent looks back tenderly.)
Trent: It was us against the world, baby, but we still did it. (The two then start to make out in front of everyone, getting groans and boos from most of the campers. Noah sits there on his stump, staring at them incredulously.)
Noah: I literally feel physically sick. Stop acting like you're the king and queen of the world! And stop making out, it's making me want to puke! (His fists shake in frustration as he says this. Courtney smiles sweetly at the angry nerd.)
Courtney: Oh, stop being a poor sport, Noah. Face it; you and your little friends got played. So if you don't want to watch us make out, why don't you leave?
Noah: Okay, I will! (He stomps off in anger. Chris watches him leave, and shrugs.)
Chris: Okay, while Noah's having his little angst fit, we're going to take a short break. (He begins the sign-off.)
After that shocker, who will be voted off and sent to Redemption Cabin to face Alejandro in the most dramatic Redemption Cabin duel yet?
Will it be Gwen, Izzy, Cody, Lindsay, Noah, or Beth?
Will Courtney and Trent continue to elude elimination?
Will Nizzy remain if Izzy learns of what Noah did to Mr. Fan?
Will Tyler ever give DJ a break?
What other Disney Channel shows will Chef subject the campers to?
And what sort of crazy challenges await the competitors?
See it all right here on the next jaw-dropping episode of
Total Drama Returns!
Note: Well, there you go. I hope that was dramatic enough for you. I know you probably wanted Courtney or Trent to go, but for now, they're a large part of the drama, so they'll stay, for at least a little while longer. Anyways, the next chapter will begin with the revote and elimination, followed by the Redemption Cabin duel. The only reason I didn't include the revote in this chapter was because this chapter was getting way too long. And I wanted to leave you guys with a cliff-hanger. So review telling me what you thought of this chapter and what you think will happen!
Votes:
Trent—Courtney
Courtney—Trent
Noah—Trent
Gwen—Courtney
Beth—Courtney
Lindsay—Trent
Izzy—Trent
Cody—Courtney
Courtney: 4
Trent: 4
(Tie Vote)
NEXT TIME: After a shocking conclusion to the campfire ceremony that leaves everyone breathless, the Redemption Cabin duel brings a lot of bad memories back for one competitor. Meanwhile, one camper is in for the fight of his life when his whole team is out to get him after discovering his secret.