Chapter 36

Worthless

[Cat's & Jade's Phone Convo]

RING, RING, RING

Cat: "Hello?"

Jade: "Babe-"

Cat: -"Jade!"

Jade: "Baby! I love you so much-"

Cat: "-I don't want to hear any of that!"

Jade: "Cat…baby listen please. I'm so sorr-"

Cat: "-Save it!"

Jade: "Cat-"

Cat: "-Jade no! Don't! I don't want to hear it!"

Jade: "Will you fucking listen to me for one minute!?"

Cat: "No Jade! You've hurt me for the last time! I don't want to hear anything you have to say! I don't want to be flooded with your sorry's & icecream cakes! I've given you chance after chance and I'm just fed up Jade! I'm tired! I want to be happy and as much as I try to be and I pretend to be, I'm not happy and that's because I'm with you! You say you're going to change and get help and blah blah but you NEVER do! I can't take this anymore! Baby I love you, I do, and I'm sorry for everything you've been through and I know everything isn't your fault, but I just can't do this anymore. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of hurting. I can't take anymore. I love you, but we're through. I'm sorry Jade."

Jade: (voice cracking) "..But Cat, baby, I swear I'm getting help this tim-"

Cat: "-Save it Jade."

Jade: "Baby listen-"

Cat: (calmer sad voice) "Save it. We are done Jade. I don't want to talk about this right now. I love you and I'm sorry."

CLICK

[Cat's POV]

"Cat, hey are you okay?" I heard Tori ask as I laid in a fetal position on the bed with my eyes closed and my heart pounding with hurt.

"Tori I just want to be alone right now."

I heard small footsteps getting closer before the edge of the bed sank in. "What's the matter?" She asked before I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and I just shook my head.

I really don't feel like talking right now.

"You know I'm not going to just take you shaking your head for an answer."

Great I have no choice.

I sat up as I turned my teary eyes to her. "I don't know what I'm feeling Tori."

And to be honest I don't. My emotions are all over the place and I just don't know what to do or how to feel.

"What do you mean?" She asked as she rested her hand on my knee.

I brought my knees up to my chest before resting my chin on top. "I love Jade…I know I do, but…I…I just can't take it anymore. But I promised her I'd always be there Tori, if I leave for good I will break my promise."

"Hasn't she broken promises to you?" She lifted a brow and I nodded, but that's just Jade. She doesn't know the value of a promise. She was promised so many things and they were all lies so a promise to her is nothing serious. It's just a lie. A promise has no meaning to Jade.

I wiped my eyes. "But I expect that from her. She doesn't know any better. Her whole life is a lie. She's been through so much Tori, so, so much."

"But that doesn't excuse the way she treats you Cat and you need to understand that."

I shook my head. "That doesn't matter. She loves me Tori, I know she doesn't mean it."

"I don't think she loves you Cat. I think she's just using you like she's always had and like she always will. You always let her step all over you in high school and I told you you probably need to stop hanging around her so much and letting her push you around, and you didn't listen. Now look at you Cat? I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop her from hurting you. You're my best friend and I really do love you as that. I don't know how to make you understand, but Jade just doesn't love you the way you think or you are hoping she is and I'm sorry to say that." Tori said as her hand went from my knee to stoking my hair softly.

"Yes she does Tor. We are both in love with each other. How would you know?"

"Are you sure she's in love with you Cat?"

"Yes Tori."

"How are you so sure?"

"She…she just is."

"What has she done for you to let you know she's in love with you? How does she make you feel?"

I opened mouth ready to talk but not words came out as I scrunched my brows and frowned. I really don't know. "She's…she took me for walks in the park, and she buys me cookies, and she tells me she loves me."

"How does she make you feel though?"

I looked down as I sighed.

"You can tell me the truth." She said as her hand went to my chin lifting my head back up.

"How about this….if you could describe how Jade makes you feel in one word, what would that word be?"

I thought for a moment as my heart started to ache and fresh tears filled my eyes. "Worthless."

"She makes you feel that way, but yet you say she's in love with you?"

I just shrugged as my hands went to my face and I started to sob.

Maybe Jade really doesn't love me? Maybe she just says that to get her way, to play with my mind. Oh my god what if it's true!? Jade doesn't love me! Does she? Yes she does! I just know she does! She's never had anyone to truly love that actually loved her back, so I know she loves me. I'm special to her I know it. Right? Ughhh!

I felt loving arms wrap around me before wrapping my arms back around just as tight as I cried into Tori's shoulder as she whispered sweet things to me.

"Are you going to be okay?" She asked as she pulled away.

I just nodded.

"Has she ever made love to you Cat?"

I tilted my head. "What do you mean by make love?" I asked as I wiped my eyes.

"It's like sex but it's different it's pure love. You'll know it if you experienced it."

"Jade and I have sex all the time? That's love."

"No Cat, it's more than just sex…it's….love."

I just shook my head, I don't think Jade has ever "made love" to me…or maybe she has? I don't know! "I don't know Tori. Have you made love?"

"Yes I have.

"With Beck?"

She nodded with a smile. "It's a beautiful thing Cat. You deserve to know how that feels."

I just sighed. "Tori can I ask you something?" I said as I reached over and grabbed her hand.

"Sure Cat?"

I played around with her fingers before busting the question. "Is Kaylee your real daughter?"

I watched as Tori froze and gently pulled her hand away from mine before giving an uncomfortable smile. "Who…who said anything about that? Of course she's my real daughter. What would make you think she's not?"

I shrugged. "Um...no one…I was just wondering."

"Why?"

I shrugged again trying to pretend it wasn't a big issue, but her face held all seriousness. "I was just wondering Tori."

"No one just wonders that? Have you talked to Robbie lately?"

"What? No."

Random…

"Yes I'm her mother Cat and I love her. Never ask that again." She stated slightly offended and sharp.

I just nodded. "Okay Tor. I'm sorry."

She sighed as she calmed herself down and that's when I noticed how tense she had gotten.

Maybe Kaylee was just making things up for attention?

She leaned over and gave me a kiss cheek as her hand rested on my upper thigh. "I love you Cat I'm so sorry for everything you're going through and I just want to show you something very special tomorrow night okay?"

"Ohh like a present!?" I asked as I clapped my hands. I love presents!

"Something like that. More like a surprise." She smiled as she tapped my nose. "Goodnight Love."

I nodded and watched as she smiled at me as she stood up.

"Ohh tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!" I said as I grabbed her arm and tugged on it.

She laughed. "No. It's something special for you. Get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning.

With that she was exited my room.

I hope I like the surprise….

[Monica's & Heaven's Text]

Heaven: Hey Cheekbones!

Monica: Oh god, stop calling me that! My mom said they use to call her that when she was younger.

Heaven: Lol, I'm sure they did, you two must look alike I'm assuming?

Monica: Yeah people say we do….you've never met my mother have you? You should.

Heaven: I'd love to meet Mrs. Oliver. (giggling emoticon)

Monica: (eye rolling emoticon) You're so weird. Anyways what's up?

Heaven: Well that's what I'm trying to figure out with you? Are you still sick?

Monica: Yes (frowning emoticon) I think I have the flu.

Heaven: In November? It's not flu season is it?

Monica: I have no idea…

Heaven: Anyways, do you need company? I can bring some movies. I have nothing else to do during fall break besides sit around with my little sister.

Monica: You might get sick if you come.

Heaven: Oh it's fine. I got the flu vaccine! (smiling emoticon)

Monica: Oh well if you want you can come.

Heaven: Have you heard from Isis?

Monica: No. She won't even text me back anymore.

Heaven: I told you she was no good to begin with.

Monica: But it wasn't her fault! I said things I didn't mean, now she won't take me back.

Heaven: Monica forget her. Isis's is dangerous. Leave that chick alone.

Monica: How is she dangerous?

Heaven: She just is.

Monica: Okay Heaven, I'm tired of you saying all these side comments about Isis. What do you have against her!? What has she ever done to you!?

Heaven: We'll talk about it some other time. But I'll come over first thing tomorrow okay?

Monica: Okay, That's fine. See you.

Heaven: Byee!

[Jade's POV]

I walked into my empty house and up to the room I and my wife share.

I opened her drawer to see all her things absent and I sighed as I sat on the edge of our bed.

Looking over I saw Mr. Purple before grabbing him and holding him to my nose. He smells just like Cat.

"I'm so sorry Cat. I'm so damn sorry. I shouldn't have ever put my hands on you, ever."

~Flashback~

(13 years old)

I stood in my bathroom and stared at my naked body after stepping from the shower.

I looked up and saw my reflection in the mirror but it wasn't me. All I could see was her face, her beautiful face. All I can see is her screaming for me to help. She's screaming and screaming and there's nothing I can do. I can't help. I'm sorry Jewel. I'm so fucking sorry.

"Ughhh!" I screamed as I punched the mirror making it shatter under my fist cutting my fingers as the small piece fell everywhere. And I like the pain. I like the way it feels cutting my skin.

I want to feel more pain. I deserve it. I deserve all the pain in the world. I didn't save her. I let her go through pain and I didn't save her. I could have done more! I could have stopped it! If I just would have stayed in the house that day! It's all my fault my sister is gone! I killed my sister!

Pain. I need to feel pain.

I walked from my bathroom and into my room.

Looking around the room my aunt has provided me with since my mother was in jail for second degree murder and my father for negligent homicide, I found a small case of matches.

I grabbed the matches before lighting one up and running my fingers through it to make sure it was real because it didn't look real. Nothing looks real to me anymore.

I put the match to the bare skin of arm as I ran it up and down letting it burn me slowly as pain shot through my entire arm. I then lit two and threw it in a big bowl of paper that instantly set fire before just laying on it letting it burn my back.

I growled in pain but I didn't cry. I deserve this. I killed my sister.

Finally I sat up and looked back at my back that wasn't as burnt as it should have been for me to be laying on fire but it wasn't pretty, and I'm not happy with that. I want to burn to death. I want to set myself on fire, but before I had the chance to lay back on top of the decreasing fire my door flew open and then closed before a huge gasp came from her.

"Jade!" Cat yelled out as she ran to my naked body and threw her hand to her mouth. "What are you doing!? You're hurt!" She said as she walked up to me. "What is going on with you!? Please tell me!?"

"No it's none of your business Cat! Leave me the hell alone!"

I watched as she ran to my bathroom and wetted a towel before running it back to me to put it on my burns but I don't need her saving me. Fuck her.

I grabbed her wrist tight and twisted it before throwing her to the floor.

"Jade!"

"Shut the hell up!" I said before I kicked her in her stomach.

She cried out for me to stop but I just kept going. It's like my body went into automatic and it wasn't me doing this to my best friend. Something was taking over me, some part of my body that was being pleasured as I hit and kicked the small girl below me and I'm addicted. It wasn't until my aunt came bursting into my room that I realized what I was doing and immediately stopped.

"What the hell is going on!? And where the hell is your clothes!?" My Aunt Riley yelled.

I looked down at Cat as I watched her stand to her feet as she cried hard. She didn't say a word as she shook her head and ran from my room and out of the house.

~End Flashback~

I let Mr. Purple fall to the floor as I looked down at my hands before I started to cry.

My hands have done so much wrong. I never meant to hurt her. I just couldn't stop after that day. That was the first time that I hurt her. I should have never touched her again, but I did and I did because she let me. And I took her over.

"I…god I'm so sorry Cat!"

"I put my face in my hands and started to sob hard as I slid off of our bed and onto the floor as I sat in a fetal position and just cried and cried.

Cat doesn't know how sorry I am, nobody will understand how sorry I am.

But I will show her, everything will be okay. I have an appointment for a psychiatrist first thing Monday morning and I know Cat will be so proud of me, but she wouldn't even listen to me. I have to get her to listen to me and I know she'll be happy. She'll see I'm serious and that I want to love her how I'm supposed to. She'll see. I'll love her and I'll never hurt her again.

Oh Cat I'm so sorry….ughhhhhhh! I'm so sorry!

Thanks for reading!

Oh my gosh! Almost 400 reviews! You guys are so awesome! I wish there was something I could do for my wonderful readers! I love you all! *Kisses*

Thanks so much! Please Review!