A/N: Post and run tonight. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all the brilliant people who have read, commented and favourited this story so far. You're all magic. :D
The Pepperony story is still going in this chapter and I'll need at least another one to wrap it up. Did I mention I was complete rubbish at predicting how long things take me in my stories? Well, I'm mentioning it now. Once we're through with the past, I promise, we'll be full speed back into the present and sorting out all of these pesky little problems for the Avengers... if which they're about to pick up a couple more. ;) But enough of that, let's get this chapter out of the way, and then we'll talk.
Later alligators. :D
Chapter Thirty-Five
"And so I took Happy home and tucked him in all safe and sound and Pepper realised I was worth taking a chance on," Tony finished off breezily. His words were met with a circle of sceptical expressions.
Bruce leaned back in his chair and folded his arms in front of himself. "Forgive me for saying so, but that seemed a pretty anti-climatic ending to your story, Tony."
Thor nodded. "I am in agreement, Bruce Banner. Thy tale seemed oddly lacking in details."
Clint looked at Happy for the real story. "What really happened, Happy?"
Tony snorted. "Don't ask him, he was off with the fairies all night. It was me who really suffered."
"I find that unlikely," said Steve as he took another bite of the strawberry from his drink.
"Alright," Tony huffed, "let me tell you just how much I really had to endure that night."
oooOOOOooo
Tony walked back into Happy's cubicle holding a t-shirt. "Okay, so I found you a shirt, but apparently they don't run to big 'n beefy in the pants department in the hospital gift shop. We'll have to make do with your hospital gown and this t-shirt until we get you home."
Happy wasn't listening, instead he was totally absorbed in looking at his feet as he sat on the side of the bed.
Tony shook his head. "Happy, are you listening to me?"
Happy looked up at the ceiling, trying to work out where the voice was coming from.
Tony snapped his fingers are him. "Over here, big guy, follow the noise."
Happy blearily attempted to focus on him. "Oh, hey boss, are you ready for me to drive you home now?"
"I think I'll do the driving tonight, Happy. For once I'm the less inebriated of the two of us." Tony stepped closer with the t-shirt. "Here, put up your arms."
Happy stuck his arms out in front of himself.
"No, up, up," Tony corrected him, pointing to the sky.
Happy brought his arms out to the side now as Tony made an exasperated noise and stuck his hands up in the air to show him. "No, up, like this."
Happy stuck his hands above his head, mimicking Tony but when Tony put his arms down to put the t-shirt on Happy, the other man lowered his arms as well. "No," said Tony in frustration, "you keep your arms up, Happy, up."
Happy looked up at the ceiling to see what Tony was talking about.
"Your arms, your arms have to be up." Tony showed him again with his own arms.
Happy stuck his arms out to the side.
"I'm not spending the night playing YMCA with you, Happy Hogan," said Tony in frustration. "Just sit still and don't move."
"Okay," slurred Happy and flopped backwards on the bed and seemed to fall asleep.
Tony rolled his eyes but it ended up being for the best because he was able to wrestle the t-shirt on Happy while the other man snored gently. When he was done, Tony poked his chest. "Okay, time to wake up and go home, Happy." Happy batted his hand away without opening his eyes.
Tony wrestled him into an upright position as the nurse appeared in the cubicle with a wheelchair. Her lips quirked in amusement. "Nice t-shirt."
Tony looked down at Happy's pink 'Who's your daddy?' t-shirt where the word 'daddy' was written in sparkly letters. "It was all they had in his size," Tony explained. He looked intrigued. "Which personally made me have a lot of questions about what kind of hospital you guys are running." Tony took in the wheelchair. "I don't need that."
"It's hospital policy," said the nurse patiently.
"Oh," said Tony, "it's for Happy, right, I guess that makes sense. Do I need to sign anything else?"
The nurse shook her head. "No, he's all yours, just remember not to leave him alone tonight and that he might exhibit some erratic behaviour. Painkillers can have some odd effects on some people."
Happy was poking at his chest, trying to focus on the glittery letters on his chest. "Pretty," he slurred.
"Yes, you're gorgeous," Tony assured him, taking in his tight fighting t-shirt and the fact that the rest of his outfit was the bottom half of a hospital gown which opened at the back. "Now you just need to get into the wheelchair."
The nurse got on one side of Happy and Tony was on the other and they guided him down into the chair. Tony smiled at her. "Thanks for the help, but I've got it from here."
The nurse bent down and patted Happy's shoulder. "I hope you're feeling better soon, Mr. Hogan."
"I like donuts," Happy informed her, still looking pretty dazed.
"The woman has seen you naked, Happy, I think she knows that," Tony informed him. "Okay, here we go." With a last nod at the nurse Tony pushed Happy out of the hospital room and into the corridor. Tony's mind was still ticking over about Pepper being on a date right then. He was racking his brain to think of all the Kevin's he knew, which was actually none. Tony pushed Happy along the halls of the hospital, intent on getting to the car park and driving the other man home so he could investigate this Kevin situation more fully. He glanced down at Happy who now had his arms out and was making aeroplane noises as he glided down the hospital corridors courtesy of Tony and the wheelchair. Maybe Happy might know who this Kevin guy was. "Happy."
Happy stopped his aeroplane noises to bend his neck right back to look at Tony upside down. "Sad."
Tony shook his head as Happy seemed to think they were playing some kind of game. "No-"
"Yes," responded Happy gleefully.
"Stop-"
"Start."
"Pepper-"
"Salt."
Tony blew out an exasperated breath and tried another tack. "Kevin-"
"Twelve," said Happy without hesitation.
Tony frowned. "What? No, not eleven, Kevin."
"Bacon," responded Happy instantly. He paused and smacked his lips together. "Bacon."
"You can't have anything to eat until tomorrow morning," Tony cautioned him as he manoeuvred the chair into the waiting elevator. "The doctor said so." He hesitated. "Or did he say you had to eat something before tomorrow?" Tony shook his head. "No, it was definitely the not eating thing." He blinked. "Probably." Damn, he wasn't used to paying attention to other people talking, that was what Pepper usually did for him but Tony was determined to prove her wrong about her opinion on his inability to change his ways. The elevator dinged opened as they arrived at the underground car park. Tony wheeled Happy out and headed towards the car. "Okay, Hap, tomorrow when Pepper asks who took such good care of you, what are you going to say?"
"Bacon."
"No, not bacon, you're going to say Tony," he schooled him. "Tony looked after me and took great care of me, say it, say Tony."
"Tony," slurred Happy.
"That's right, I've got a lot riding on this, Happy, so any question you get asked, the answer is always going to be Tony, got that?"
"Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony," babbled Happy.
"Too much of a good thing, Hap," Tony tried to calm him down. He drew up beside the car and stopped a little too suddenly for his relaxed passenger and Happy simply tumbled out of the wheelchair and face planted on the concrete car park floor. "Oh crap, would you stop doing that," requested Tony in frustration as he hurried around to help Happy up and trying not to look at his bare ass which was on full display thanks to his less than discrete hospital attire. Tony sat Happy up and grimaced as he saw the other man now had skin missing from his forehead and a graze on his chin. "Okay," said Tony quickly, "if Pepper asks what happened to you face you say-"
"Tony," supplied Happy dutifully, remembering his lessons, blinking vacantly.
"No," said Tony urgently, "not Tony, say Happy went down on the ground by accident."
Happy managed an abbreviated version. "Tony went down," he mumbled.
"No, no, Happy, you have to say Happy."
"Tony went down on Happy."
Tony pulled his face. "Okay, definitely don't say that otherwise Pepper and I'll never get together. We'll work on it in the car." He hauled Happy to his feet and bundled him into the back seat of his roadster.
Happy sprawled in the back seat, eyelids drooping. "Bacon," he muttered to himself and smacked his lips again.
Tony grimaced. "Boy, I sure hope you're thinking about the food group now and not the actor anymore, because that's more than I ever needed to know about your private life, Happy."
"Bacon," was his only response followed by a garbled, "Tony," as he seemed to drift off to sleep.
Tony shook his head and reminded himself that Pepper was worth all this trouble and a whole lot more. He climbed into the driver's seat and negotiated his way out of the car park and pointed the car in the direction of Happy's house. As he drove, Tony dialled a familiar number. It was picked up after the first ring. "Rhodey, it's me."
"Oh hey," said Rhodey easily, "I was just about to call you. The news is reporting there was some kind of explosion at your house today. Is that right?"
"That was hours ago," said Tony dismissively.
"So there was an explosion?" he said in exasperation. "Was anyone hurt?"
"No, not really."
"What does that mean?"
"It means Happy needs a new suit."
"Now what does that mean?"
"It means everything is fine," said Tony brusquely, not really caring about his house right then. "Rhodey, do you know any Kevins?"
There was a pause on the other end of the line. "Your phone calls are becoming more and more random, Tony," came the dry reply.
"Kevins," Tony repeated impatiently, "do you know any Kevins?"
"In what context?"
"In the context of one wanting to date Pepper." Just saying the words made him more annoyed. How could Pepper go on a date when they'd just almost kissed? It made no sense.
Tony heard Rhodey sigh on the other end of the phone call. "Tony, Pepper is a grown woman, she can date whoever she likes, you don't get a say in that."
"We kissed today," blurted out Tony.
"You did?" The surprise was evident in Rhodey's voice.
"We almost kissed," Tony relented, "and now I have to take Happy home to bed."
"I mentioned these phone calls were getting more random, right?"
"It's perfectly simple," said Tony in irritation at how long it was taking his friend to understand all of this. "I have to prove to Pepper that I'm not a flake by looking after Happy who may have a slight concussion which may or may not have been the results of a tiny little incident in the lab today."
"That tiny little incident registered on our military satellites," said Rhodey wryly. "What happened exactly?"
"I tried to kiss Pepper and she pushed me away," said Tony in agitation, "and then she tried to kill me with my own car."
"Are you drunk?"
"No," Tony snapped as he pulled up at the lights.
"Am I, because none of this is making sense to me?"
"You're being very evasive," said Tony suspiciously. "You know this Kevin guy and you're trying to protect him, aren't you?"
"I'm being confused," Rhodey shot back, "and if I knew who this Kevin person was I would be definitely protecting him from your crazy right now."
"You are the least helpful of my friends right now and your only competition is a guy with his ass hanging out and a bacon fixation." said Tony dourly. "Think about that for a moment."
"Are you even speaking English anymore?" asked Rhodey in exasperation. "I swear, Tony, sometimes talking to you is like having a stroke."
"So you don't know any Kevins?" asked Tony impatiently.
"None that Pepper would be interested in," agreed Rhodey. "Tony, are you going to tell me what this is all about?"
"I've got to go. I'll call you tomorrow." Tony hung up abruptly. "Looks like it just you and me against the world, Happy." He glanced in the rear vision mirror as he spoke and then did a double take as he realised Happy was no longer in the car. Tony spun around, looking all around. "Happy!" he called out, just as the light turned green and the cars behind started to honk for him to start moving. Out of the corner of his eye Tony caught a flash of white further down the street and he leaned out of the car to see Happy's brilliant, bare backside bobbing down the street as he ran off in the opposite direction. "Oh you gotta be kidding me!" Tony exclaimed in distress as his charge bolted off down the street. The other cars were honking noisily at him now and Tony quickly sat back in the driver's seat and knowing there was no way to turn the car around in the one way street, he simply drove it up onto the sidewalk. Tony jumped out of the car and raced off after Happy, trying to catch him before the night got any worse.
Wishful thinking.