Maleficent & Lily
Maleficent: Hello dear.
Lily: Hey mom.
Maleficent: I was wondering what you wanted to have for dinner tonight. I could make my most famous dish.
Lily: If it's going to be a whole pig roasted on the table with an apple in its mouth when I get home, I'm going to have to pass.
Maleficent: No, no. Nothing like that. I make a really good Parmesan Chicken Alfredo with a side Cesar Salad and some french bread.
Lily: You really should've lead with that because you had me at Parmesan Chicken.
Maleficent: Just wait until you taste it. Better that anything else in the world. Well, except a few things.
Lily: ….I'm not going to mention where my mind just ventured right now.
Maleficent: Hey, I'm entitled to try different 'tastes' in life.
Lily: MOM. TMI. I'm starting to understand what Emma was talking about.
Maleficent: What are you babbling about?
Lily: She told me how she's walked in on her parents….doing the do…more than once.
Maleficent: Oh that's just revolting. Giving you mental picture to scar you is one thing but to actually provide the visual is down right disgusting.
Lily: Remind me to keep a pair of ear plugs handy when I'm with you.
Maleficent: Oh come now, you'll live.
Cora: But you won't!
Lily: What the hell! How'd you get my number?
Maleficent: She's the devil, that's how.
Cora: Possibly. Not the point. I found the answer I've been searching for the past week and Maleficent, you are so dead. We're eating Dragon Soufflé tonight!
Lily: You threaten my mom again you bag of bones and I'll use you as halloween decorations!
Maleficent: Cora, my patience with your nonsense has worn thin over the years. Now what the hell are you talking about?
Cora: Earlier today, I swiped a follicle of hair from Lily's head to perform a simple test. You remember those types of tests, don't you Puff?
Lily: WHEN DID YOU TAKE MY HAIR?
Maleficent: ….
Cora: Cat got your tongue? No…I think the Queen of Hearts has finally stumbled upon the truth and you're afraid. Winter is coming.
Lily: Was that a whack Game of Thrones reference?
Maleficent: I have no idea what that is but I think you should come home. Immediately.
Lily: Why are you letting the crypt keeper scare you? We're dragons, remember?
Maleficent: I'm not afraid of her, per say, but rather what she knows and how she plans to use that information.
Lily: Yeah, I want to know what she was talking about.
Maleficent: I'll tell you once you get here.
Cora: I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH TO BE A CRYPT KEEPER. BITCH.
Emma, Snow & Charming
Emma: Guys, we need to talk.
Snow: What's wrong, sweetie?
Charming: We're all ears. Well, eyes. But you get the gist.
Emma: …Anyways. I've been thinking about this for quite some time and I think it's best if I act like the adult I am.
Snow: I'm lost.
Charming: What is it you're trying to tell us?
Emma: I'm 29 years old and still living at home with my parents.
Snow: SO?
Charming: We don't mind you living here, Emma. You should know that by now. We've finally been able to piece our family back together.
Emma: That's not what I'm getting at.
Snow: No? Then what is it because I'm about to start gluing all your stuff to the floor.
Charming: And you should know by now that she isn't bluffing.
Emma: I want to be able to pick the movies for Movie Night. Sick of those damn fairytale movies. I want GORE.
Snow: Charming, I swear if you had any doubt that she was YOUR daughter, they should've disappeared by now.
Charming: I'm pissing myself laughing.
Emma: You two aren't taking me seriously…
Snow: My dear cookie monster, you could've been picking the movies all along. We thought you wanted to watch those boring movies. We've been watching scary movies while you were asleep because we thought they scared you.
Charming: Yep. All the good slasher movies. Tonight we were going to watch Children of the Corn.
Emma: WHAT? Hell no I'm not afraid!
Snow: Good. Then we'll all watch it when you get home. Phew, I thought I was acting like an overbearing mother that was making you want to leave.
Charming: 'Acting'
Emma: Oh would you look at the time, Regina needed some files from me asap. See you guys when I get home.
Snow: What was that, Charming?
Charming: Huh? Oh nothing. My phone was in my back pocket. Must have been butt-typing.
Snow: Right…Well if I have a nightmare tonight in my sleep and 'accidentally' hit you upside the head, forgive me.
Rumple & Regina
Rumple: I'm afraid I have some bad news regarding your mother.
Regina: If she finally left Storybooke, we all know that's not bad news.
Rumple: Only in my dreams. No. She's acquired a certain spell from me and it has to deal with you.
Regina: What spell, Gold?
Rumple: I can't exactly say.
Regina: I thought I told you not to give in to her!
Rumple: You don't understand how my hands are tied in this situation! She has been holding a delicate piece of information over my head for years and until I come clean, she holds power over me.
Regina: WELL THEN COME CLEAN, IDIOT.
Rumple: FINE! Years ago, your mother and I were a thing. Like a really big thing.
Regina: Oh my fu- EW. Gold, that is the grossest thing you could ever tell me and I've listened to Snow talk about sex with Charming.
Rumple: Thank you for that unneeded information. Anyway. There was something else.
Regina: Well spit it out!
Rumple: I let her do something terrible.
Regina: Stop. Stop stop stop stop.
Rumple: I can't! I have to tell it now. I let her dress me up like a princess and when you were little, we would have tea parties.
Regina: Oh my God. YOU ARE MRS. APPLEBOTTOM?!
Rumple: I'm afraid so, dearie.
Regina: I'm going to kill YOU ALL.
Rumple: Start with your mother.
Regina: ALL THIS TIME. ALL THIS DAMN TIME.
Rumple: It feels nice to get that off my chest. Now I'm off to ruin your mother's day.
Regina: TELL HER I'LL BE SEEING HER VERY SOON.
Rumple: Gladly.
Cruella & Hook
Cruella: You're a dead pirate walking!
Hook: Oi, what in the bloody hell are you talking about, fur ball?
Cruella: I saw you take Ursula somewhere. Now where the hell was it and why?!
Hook: I'm not at liberty to say. You should ask your bloody wife!
Cruella: And yet I'm asking your smelly ass. Although your peanut-sized brain probably can't function enough to answer such a simple question.
Hook: Keep insulting me and I sure as hell won't tell you anything about our adventure.
Cruella: Watch your tongue before I cut it out and slap you with it!
Hook: I doubt that. Plus my tongue is much too useful and far more pleasing inside my mouth.
Cruella: You disgust me beyond belief. I don't know what any woman saw in you.
Hook: A chance at blissful happiness.
Cruella: Don't make me laugh, imbecile. I'm sure that worm between your legs could turn even the horniest of women off.
Hook: IT IS NOT A BLOODY WORM! More along the lines of a python, thank you very much.
Cruella: A pyth- No. A stick bug is more like it.
Hook: When you find out what Ursula and I did while we were gone, you'll think back to this conversation and realize how wrong you were.
Cruella: If you put a grubby finger on my wife, you're going to need another hook and TWO EYEPATCHES.
Hook: If you say so. Don't you have some puppies to torture?
Cruella: I'm going to make a nice throw rug out of your skin. You'll look nice by the fire place.
Hook: Emma wouldn't let that happen.
Cruella: If you think I care about that petty savior, you've really underestimated who I am. I'll skin her alive and make you watch.
Hook: I'm going to pretend like I didn't just read that.
Cruella: Do whatever helps you sleep at night but just know I'm watching you and waiting fro the perfect moment to strike. Say your prayers, pirate.
A.N: Just to clear up a few things, yes I know Henry's middle name is Daniel, that chapter was written before it was revealed. Also this entire fan fiction is meant to be outrageously unrealistic and comical. Therefore, in my world, yes Zelena and Marian actually get along as a couple. If you haven't noticed by now that this is pretty much a crack!fic that doesn't follow what's canon on the show then I have no idea what you've been reading the past 35 chapters.