Part 26 – Not Okay:

-Sunnydale Alleyway-

Standing outside The Bronze I fight off the early symptoms of a stupidity induced migraine while Willow recounts the sad tale of Batso's disappearance.

"We saw Christine leave with this vamp and we went to save her. And Buffy was all with the slayage while we watched her back. And- And then this truck drove up and a guy in a cowboy hat grabbed Xander and shoved him in the truck. They drove away before we could stop them."

...

Guy in a cowboy hat? Gods save us from Lyle Gorch's idea of a 'plan.'

...

And from Scoobies who stand around to cheerlead at the open end of an alley, forgetting to look behind them.

"I don't suppose Oz can track Xander's scent?" For the number of odd looks he gives me he can clearly smell something. It may just be Buffy though.

"Not in a speeding truck no." Good to know.

"Well, how do you people usually find Xander when he goes missing?" It happens a few times a season after all and he hasn't kicked it yet. Not that realizing that would calm them down. Of course not.

-Sunnydale Roadways-

I glance in the rearview mirror at Buffy, who opted to come with us in the truck for some unfathomable reason. She's... uh...

"Buffy? What are you doing back there?"

"Making sure there's no grenades." Oh for the love of all the gods.

"There are no grenades back there. I put them away in the gun safe with the shotgun."

"...You have a shotgun?" Oops. I grin at the sight of Buffy in the mirror glaring at the back of my head.

"Sorry, no. I didn't bring it. It's in the gun safe, where any responsible adult keeps their guns. Can't have any of the kiddies getting into it." I point my thumb over my shoulder back at Faith.

Faith laughs. "Yeah, J's got all sortsa fancy crap labeled things like 'Faith: Do not touch. It might explode.' back home." I see her roll her eyes grumpily in the mirror. Hardly my fault that Amy instinctively knows better.

Buffy continues glaring at me while Amy turns around in her seat. "Faith. Say that again."

"...J's got all-"

Amy cuts Faith's repetition off. "Mr."

"What?" Faith's puzzled expression is matched by my own.

Amy elaborates, "Say Mr. J" Oh... Yes! Say it!

"Mistah J?" Oh! That was perfect.

Amy faces forward again, groaning. "Wow... she really does sound like Harley." Amy doesn't seem properly enthused about this, and is... muttering about feeding the hyenas? Oh. I forgot about those. Good call. I'll need to look into that. Can I thrall wild animals? I add it to The List.

"I did tell you." Multiple times now in fact.

"The fuck are you guys talkin about?" uh oh. Irritated Faith.

"Halloween. We're getting you a Harley Quinn costume." Well said Ivy.

Buffy has begun beating her head against the back of my chair. "Not a fan of Halloween Buffy?"

"Not lately no." I roll my eyes at her. Honestly, you should have picked a better costume than a helpless noblewoman. I mean really? Hadn't you ever spoken to Grandfather's keeper? Under aged tavern wench would have worked much better.

"Should I cancel the order for a Kar- Zor-El costume then?" Buffy perks back up. Is it my fault if I coughed on the second syllable and let her assume I meant Karen instead of Kara? I can't see how it would be. Either way I roll right over any chance of questions. "Amy's going to be Poison Ivy. Oh! Buffy! I'm not sure who to have Oz be. Any thoughts? Sadly Wolverine is the wrong company." Nightwing maybe?

Lost in thought by my own distraction for Buffy I'm blindsided by Faith's question. "Who's Harley Quinn?" How the-

Nope. "Not Okay, this needs fixing immediately. We are going to watch the batman cartoon as soon as I find us a copy." Mr. Wells must have the show on... err... would it still be cassettes? Blech!

-Outside Willy's Bar-

I stare Buffy down. Or is that stare down at Buffy? "No."

"What do you mean. No." That's an irritated eye twitch! Ten points to Winter.

"I'm not having you teach Faith your bad habits."

"I don't have bad habits!"

"Really? So you're not planning to go in there and beat the information out of Willy?" I point at the bar across the street for good measure.

"... you think you have a better idea?" Technically Batso had the better idea, I'm just using it.

Hell. I could just rip the information out of his head... maybe. Or I might accidentally turn him into a vegetable. Hmmm... might make the wrong impression. More importantly, how many chances will I have to pretend to be the better person in public? "Fifty bucks says I can get him to talk faster than you could."

"You're on."

"One moment please. You guys wait here." I wave cheerfully and set off towards Willy's Bar.

I grab a stool and put a pair of twenties on the bar, tapping them with my finger. I feel like a cliché but there's a reason it works."Willy! I'm looking for Lyle Gorch. You haven't heard anything about where he's holed up have you?" I nudge him a touch with Thrall. Wonder of wonders Willy doesn't qualify as important enough to merit the Mayor's mind shielding magic.

"Yeah, he was in here earlier. Mentioned that old abandoned warehouse down on Cinnabar." Gods, sometimes it feels there's more abandoned warehouses and factories in this town than occupied houses.

I press down when he reaches for the cash, pushing in with thrall when he looks up at me. "You're sure?"

"Yes." Sensing no deception from him I smile and stand up, leaving him his money.

"Cheers mate. See you round."

I step out of the bar and find myself surrounded. Really people? "I gather the concept of 'wait here' was too complicated?" So much for not being seen in public with Buffy. Refusing to break stride I head off to the truck. "Anyone know where Cinnabar street is?"

"What did you do?" Buffy sounds suspicious. It's almost like she thinks I make a habit of being malicious or something. I note that she and the Scoobies do seem to be loading back into the van though, so clearly they do remember that there's still a Xander to save.

"I paid the local snitch for information." I throw in a shrug for good measure. "He's just some poor schmuck working a job like anyone else. I really don't see why you always feel the need to break his nose."

Buffy of course ignores my perfectly legitimate criticism and feigns confusion. "You paid him?" Overpaid really, but all I had was twenties because ATMs suck like that.

I turn on the brightest smile I can manage. "Not every problem needs to be solved with violence Buffy. Also... technically... you paid him since you owe me fifty bucks now."

-Sunnydale Warehouse District-

Actual rescue operations are far more Buffy's thing it turns out. It's almost as if she has lots of practice at it...

Of course, if the local vampire population didn't consider the use of proper weaponry, or even just their brains, to be a cardinal sin of some sort, I suspect rushing headlong into the warehouse may have ended... badly. I'm reminded yet again that I'll need to keep Faith from picking up Buffy's bad habits. But there are just so gods damned many of them.

... I think I find it most insulting that she manages to pull it off regularly despite that. Who keeps turning these morons?

Still. You can't fault the girls for enthusiasm. Watching her and Faith tear into Lyle and Candy is certainly good fun, even if replacing a tired Cordelia with a fresh Faith makes it rather one sided. I can sorta understand why everyone tends to cluster around and watch in alleyways now.

That still doesn't forgive them for not paying enough attention to avoid being snuck up on. Again. I turn around and put a finger over Xander's lips when he approaches the group from behind.

The fact that he somehow managed to get himself free while we were tracking him down is just the icing on the cake of this whole adventure. He looks a bit beat up, but nothing serious.

I take a step away from the group and lean in to whisper, "How'd you get free?" Oz still catches it apparently since he looks back at us.

"Would you believe they forgot to tie me up? I walked away when they started arguing about honeymoon plans in the midst of questioning me." Xander shrugs, as if conveying this is nothing unusual. For him? It probably isn't.

"Those two? Yes I would." They didn't tie Giles up either. Oz's tugging on Willow and Cordelia's sleeve has them turning around to spot Xander as well now.

...

Honeymoon plans? "Excuse me one moment." I opt to give the happy reunion of Bats and Babs a miss in favor of playing loot ninja.

Heading outside I find their truck parked in the alleyway nearby. Yes! There it is. One bag full of various denomination, non-consecutive bills. Granted, needing to launder them may need to be a bit more literal than usual, but you win some you lose some.

I suppose given that Lyle jumped the gun by 2 weeks I may as well plan on actually being forced to attend that damned dance.

Then again... if Faith was willing to go to the dance with Buffy, maybe I can get her to take Amy for me? Be a good opportunity to get some proper science done.

-Winters Residence - Atrium-

I stare at the black cat sitting on my couch.

Amy and Faith making sad eyes at me should not have moved me to let them keep one. Conduct unbecoming of a proper vampire that is. Well... Then again, I suppose William was never able to deny Mother anything either.

The black cat stares ba-

The black cat topples over into an impromptu nap. Err...

Backing away slowly I head down into the lab before either of the girls can finish their showers and confuse correlation with causation.

Being accurate this one time is no excuse for adopting poor scientific methodology.

Note to self: Housecats have less mental fortitude than even Harmony started with. I'm back to sandblasting soup crackers again.

Perhaps a trip to the zoo is in order... Hopefully hyenas are made of sterner stuff.

-Sunnydale Caverns-

Minecraft kind of undersells just how boring digging out a tunnel truly is. Particularly after the equivalent of a gravelanche. Not that much this is actually gravel.

Lift large rock. Move large rock. Put down large rock. Repeat ad nauseam. I somehow can't picture Faith being kosher with the idea of minions just yet, even if this is the perfect task for them.

My timer dings. Awesome. Time to get ready for school.

...

Ungh. This drudgery makes high school seem exciting. Plus side, I should be able to pick up those tapes from Mr. Wells and start Faith's education in Batman the Animated Series today.

Passing back in through the Lab's vault door I'm struck by the fact that the lights are on. I turned them off on my way out into the tunnels.

Strike that... there's a new lamp, currently on, in the corner of the lab.

Hmmm... some manner of grow lamp over a potted flower? A very strange looking flower.

The foot wide ceramic pot has weird silvery runes running around the rim. Strange choice of pot for such a small flower.

Ah. It's labeled. Let's see... 'Jack: Do not touch. It might bite. –Amy & Faith'

... huh. Fair enough.