Chapter Thirty Six – Happy Halloween Morning!

Saturday 31st October 2009
Home
Bedroom – 9.05 am

I got up this morning alone in bed at half six. The sun hadn't risen yet it was still quite dark outside. I was still in a daze getting out of bed. I woke up completely after being startled. It's Happy Halloween so the pranks are bound to float all around me ready to attack!

I slowly opened the bathroom door whilst rubbing my eyes when a fake spider fell onto me. Tarantula to be exact! Too bad the fact is I'm not scared of tarantulas!

I love spiders and snakes. I was brought up by my daddy to be able to survive in the wild where all the creepy crawlies live. Daddy is slightly scared of them but I'm not. I love them! So Shame on you Zoe! Shame on you Brad!

They tried to scare me but failed miserably! Muhahahaha!

Normally on Halloween I'm always woken up by loud banging and screaming ghouls running around my room. Of course it was only daddy and his friend Andy running around crazily with white sheets over them. It was more funny than scary.

I had a shower and got dressed then made my way downstairs to the dining table where everyone was already seated. I was surprised that Zoe and Brad got up before me. We did have a pretty hectic night of decorating the front of the house. It was really funny and gooey!

Brad had come early and looked like he was in a pretty good mood. I and Zoe were busy carving the pumpkins whilst Grandma Emily told us stories about daddy in his younger years. She warned Gina to not make candy apples or daddy's teeth will start to ache and he'll complain non-stop.

Dinner was just great; if Grandpa Harold was there to contradict Grandma Emily for most of the time it would have been even better. They make a very cute in conflict couple.

After dinner Heidi got a call from a friend and had to leave. She warned Brad to not make any mess or else she'll take his car away. Brad promised her he wouldn't and behind her back told me that promises are made to be broken.

But Gina heard it and lectured him. She supervised us. I was doing the lights with daddy whilst Zoe and Brad carved the pumpkins on the living room floor.

Grandma Emily sat on the sofa watching us because she didn't want to get herself dirty or ruin her designer outfit. She sat down with a glass of wine and instructed us on what to do and how to do it. Every now and then she would scold daddy for being messy and childish.

Even I didn't know what had happened to daddy. He was all happy and excited. Halloween does this to him. His favourite part it scaring away the children when they knock on our door to trick or treat, after that I'll have to run outside and persuade the children to come back and take their bunch of sweets and candy.

Andy would come over to him and whack him at the back of his head telling him to not scare the children or an angry mob of parents would start to complain. Sheila Andy's older girlfriend who lived with us would laugh watching them. They were young and energetic; it was fun being around them.

I helped Zoe gather the pumpkins together.

"We better scrape the pumpkins first and clean them. Or they'll start to smell," I told her. "I hate the smell of it,"

Brad plunged his hands deep into wet, orange goo. "Yum!" He made a funny noise with his mouth licking his lips greedily. He had pulled out a massive handful of the goo and seeds and then chucked it onto the newspaper laid down across the wooden flooring.

"Ew! It's really gross but Zoe likey!" A large grin appeared across her lips.

"I want to try," Daddy dropped the lightings and acted childishly cute begging to take a turn in carving the pumpkin. He begged and begged and begged.

"Mathew dear I don't think it's a good idea. You'll make a mess," Grandma Emily waved for him to move back. Meaning way far away from the row of big orange pumpkins.

"Let's take it to the kitchen," Daddy sorted through the pumpkins and picked out the largest one excitedly. Before I could say anything he was already carrying it and heading towards the kitchen.

"Daddy no, you'll just make a mess," I mothered him; "If you make a mess you'll have to clean it up. And I know you don't want to do that, do you?"

He looked back at me and I crossed my arms across my chest raising an eyebrow. Giving him the sternest look I could have. It wasn't my best look but Oh well.

"Mummy please," He pleaded with puppy dog eyes that I really couldn't say no to,

"Alright fine you can. Just don't start throwing it or acting stupid, okay daddy?" I warned him and Grandma Emily backed me up.

"No cheekiness," Grandma Emily said and then we made our way to the kitchen. Zoe and Brad eager to slay the pumpkin. Grandma assisted me walking close behind me keeping a close eye on her mischievous son.

I acted like a complete mother instructing him how to hold the knife, and how to slice the pumpkin carefully so he doesn't hurt his delicate fingers.

He picked up the large carving knife and looked down at the pumpkin ready to slaughter it selfishly. He laughed an evil laugh then sighed miserably looking over at me.

"I-Warned you Daddy Simon," I placed my hands onto my hips and Brad chuckled scooting behind the kitchen table and he pushed his way through between daddy and Zoe.

"Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing, for a charm of powerful trouble, like a hell-broth boil and bubble," Daddy chanted sprinkling the inside of the pumpkin with salt making us all laugh.

"That's some William Shakespeare," Grandma Emily rolled her eyes sarcastically taking a sip from her red wine.

Daddy's not a big fan of Shakespeare but remembering the whole spell didn't seem too hard for him. He was playing silly.

Daddy plunged one hand into the opening on the top of the pumpkin, and a devilish grin spread over his handsome face.

"Duck!" I cried pulling Grandma Emily down to the floor with me.

Daddy tossed the goo onto Brad and the three started having as weird as it sounds a: pumpkin fight. I and Grandma stayed low and the chucking of orange goo didn't stop until someone cleared her throat from behind us.

"Gina. Thank god!" I rushed to her. "Now will you please get these kids to stop?"

"Alright there mummy!" Zoe laughed hysterically wiping goo of her forehead but by doing so she spread it more onto her face.

"Right," Gina placed her hands on her hips. Daddy, Brad and Zoe held their breaths until Gina started to laugh and then we all laughed looking at how ridiculous the three looked covered in orange goo.

"Okay…Now enough of playing let's get the decorations up quickly as possible. Zoe honey save those seeds, we'll roast them later on after we finished,"

We all laughed and joked whilst putting up the decorations.

Halloween is a creepy night full of scary sounds. The moon raises high into the air sprinkling its bright light everywhere. Kids roam the streets at night in costumes that they spend day's maybe weeks sorting out and try to outperform their other friends.

In masks and gowns the kids haunt the street and knock on doors for trick or treat. The ghosts, ghouls and skeletons, witches on their magic brooms, werewolves rising from their tombs. They all return home late with bags full of candy and sweets.

My costume has always been myself. I see my face in the mirror and know that I'm a walking talking Halloween costume.

I chuckled as Zoe and Brad wrestled over the last bag of sugar candy. Daddy came from behind and frowned.

"This needs to be confiscated," He grabbed it off Brad and ran for the stairs with Zoe and Brad behind him.

"My dear son," Grandma Emily laughed softly.

Daddy loves Halloween it's his favourite holiday after Christmas dinner. In Africa Daddy and Andy would spend the day playing pranks on each other and I would join in with them. When it got dark Daddy would put on a costume and scare the children that came trick-or-treating.

Scaring children was his favourite part after eating candy apples. When it got darker he would take me out to explore the streets. We would walk down the streets in our costumes and every now and then he'll tickle me in an attempt to steal my candy.

"It's Halloween, it's Halloween!" He would chant, "The moon is full and bright and now we'll be haunted by what cannot be seen in the darkness of this night,"

I would laugh and then begin to imagine if things that cannot be seen could actually exist. Well there's god but he's on a total different level to ghosts and ghouls. I know for sure spirits exist but where I have no idea. I wondered if they float around us watching our every move.

I would get scared and daddy would laugh saying there's no such things. He would hold my hand and kick the air making silly noises pretending to be fighting of the spirits. In his world of course he always one.

Then went it got darker and I had gathered enough candy, we would buy take-away and go home where Andy would make a bonfire then we would sit around the fire and eat.

Happy, happy Halloween.

But I know this Halloween would be like no other. This Halloween would be much, much different. I don't know whether it would be for better or worse but it would be different. I know that much.

I was really tired by the end of the night and wanted to sleep but Zoe thought otherwise. She kept the lights on and talked and talked and continued to talk even more.

"Halloween is the one night in the year when girls can dress like total sluts and no one can say anything about it," She chuckled checking herself out in the mirror.

We talked about Carter. We talked about Jesse. And still I kept my lips sealed. I was not at any cost going to reveals Jesse's crotch size. Er.

"You're mean," She pinched my arm as she got in the bed beside me. We lay in bed together, the moonlight peeping in through the corner of the window.

"I'm lucky we became friends. I love your family, thank you so much for letting me stay over here," She smiled turning her head towards me. "Suze you really are a great friend,"

"So are you," I said

"I'm sorry to say this…But I just have to say it," She struggled

"What is it?" I asked

"I don't think your dad is in love with Heidi. It's just the way he looks at her; I don't see love in his eyes. It's hard to tell what it is but I'm clear-cut it's not love," She told me something I was suspicious of from the start.

"I…I don't know," I stared blankly at the dark ceiling.

We talked longer and I don't remember drifting off to sleep.

"Nice try," I said putting down the tarantula onto the dining table.

"Is that real?" Daddy poked it. Seriously? You are scared of a small bug but not of an extremely large dinosaur.

"It's fake," I chuckled kissing his cheek.

"Damn!" Zoe said slamming her fist onto the dining table. The salt shaker toppled and rolled off the table. She chuckled picking it back up and placing it neatly onto the table before Gina caught her.

"I told you…she's a creep she wouldn't be scared," Brad sulked and I laughed still very much surprised that he managed to wake up so early. I could barely drag myself out of bed and he was already up and dressed looking fresh. He never gets out of his room after at least 10 in the weekends.

"Here we go," Heidi beamed holding up a tray full of roasted seeds which everybody dug into.

We all sang the five little pumpkins sitting on a gate song.

Daddy started it off.

"The first one said,"

"Oh my, it's getting late," Zoe looked at her watch. "Have to meet Carter at coffee bucks,"

"The second one said,"

"I don't care," Brad shrugged

"The third one said,"

"I see witches in the air," I chuckled

"The fourth one said,"

"Let's run, and run, and run," Heidi jogged on the spot.

"The fifth one said…Get ready for some fun," Dad grinned digging into more of the roasted seeds.

"Then whoosh went the wind and out went the lights and five little pumpkins rolled out of sight," We all laughed singing as we went our separate ways. Zoe and Brad went out. Heidi went to her room. Daddy sat in the living room whilst Gina cleared the table.

I came up to my room and got out Jesse's jacket from the wardrobe. I lay on the bed facing the ceiling whilst taking in the sinful fragrance. It's his birthday. I wondered what he was up to then looked at my phone which sat perfectly on my dresser.

He hadn't called me and neither did he text me. I'm too much of a fool to know how to use a cell phone. It's not my fault; I just never used one before in my life. And it's too complicated the one he picked out for me. I wanted to get a simple one, the one that's only good for talking but he had to go and buy me this expensive hard to use cell phone.

He shouldn't be spending money on me. I'm sure if he works then he needs the money to be spent of himself. I don't want him spending his money on me. I will definitely let him know that the next time I hopefully see him.

"I didn't even get him anything for his birthday. He'll be 18," I thought to myself hugging his jacket as though I was hugging him. "He's given me so much for no reason and now that there is a reason for me to get him something then I should right,"

I know he's not a friend of mine. I don't know what he is to me but I still think I should get him something. Something that means something. But what? And will he accept the gift from me?

Laying there at that moment thinking of Jesse and the Halloween decorations I could tell this is going to be a special Halloween.

But now I'm sitting here in my room sulking. Daddy came in a little while earlier and I could tell he was slightly pleased with the situation.

"See she's good for nothing," He said pretending to look angry, "That Rae Cyrus how dare she break my princess's little heart,"

"She's a celebrity," I sighed looking at the expedition ticket sadly, "She probably got busy and forgot about me,"

"Don't you dare take her side," Daddy put on a charade to scold me making me laugh, "My little baby,"

He hugged me and rubbed my back gently and then sighed looking at my upset face. "Don't show me this expression you know I don't like seeing you upset," He kissed my forehead, "Maybe I could drive you there,"

"It's ok," I shook my head. "There's no point if Rae's not there,"

"Rae Cyrus!" He groaned looking at my saddened face, "I will never forgive her,"

I chuckled sitting down onto my bed and told daddy I'll be ok spending the day with him. He went downstairs because Heidi called him. I'm just sitting here writing in my diary on my bed.

For some reason I feel Rae can't let me down. I don't know why but it's like we connect more than I think. We really have a lot in common and she is a great person.

I just wished she had come for me today.

…

Saturday 31st October 2009
Malibu
Photography Expedition Cafeteria – 11.30

As spirits get ready to roam the neighbourhoods tonight, I shall let myself loose upon this earth during the sparking day light. I will enjoy every bit of this happy Halloween.

I ran downstairs at the sound of a car pulling up in the drive way.

"Wow!" I was shocked at the stretched black car. I stood there gawping in the doorway watching the driver come out of the car and look over at me.

"Susannah Simon?"He called out,

"It's me!" I waved excitedly.

"Ms. Cyrus apologizes for the delay. I have come to pick you up," He said

"One minute!" I ran back inside the house and hurried to daddy interrupting him and Heidi who were just about to kiss. Screw me!

"Call me!" Daddy called out to me as I ran back outside and into the car with my off-shoulder bag and cell phone. Jesse hadn't called me since the one time and I'm not going to call him, he might not like it. And I don't really know how to use a cell phone so … uh …yeah!

Whoa! I knew she wouldn't let me down! I knew Rae wouldn't let me down!

The driver took a route that I wasn't familiar with. We got to the Plaza and there stood Rae surrounded by paparazzi. Her body guard pulled her inside the car and got in beside her. The driver hit the accelerator and zoom drove the car.

"Hello. I'm sorry I'm late," Rae smiled at me with her perfect teeth and smile as she took her designer shades off to reveal her sparkling blue eyes. "How you doing Suze?" She has a cow boyish accent. The accent from Tennessee, her birthplace.

"I'm good," I nodded feeling nervous sitting in front of my idol in her car with her bodyguard. "And it's really ok; I knew you would show up,"

"That's nice of you," She edged away from her body guard who looked slightly pissed, "Stop being so grumpy," She slapped his thigh laughing and then turned to me.

"The paparazzi here are a real trouble," She waved paper as a fan to her face. "Happy Halloween,"

I was awkward at the start but Rae made me feel confident and happy. She came over and sat beside me and we talked. I told her about daddy and how he calls Rae his number one enemy, Rae laughed throughout most of our conversation.

"He sounds adorable," She cooed, "I would love to meet him one day,"

"He would like that," I nodded smiling at my idol. I told her about the library event and she hugged me and confirmed that I'm her number one fan.

She definitely isn't at all like any other celebrity. She has an open heart and is very friendly. She didn't leave me to myself at the expedition, not even for a second. Where ever she went she took me with her.

"I don't want your dad coming up with more excuses to dislike me," She chuckled as we walked away from an elderly couple she had been talking to.

Rae knows a lot of people and seems to get along with everyone. She introduced me to a lot of people even though they couldn't have cared less about the geeky girl by the famous Rae Cyrus's side.

It's a huge expedition with hundreds of paintings. It's really grand and everyone is dressed in suits and dresses. Rae and I are the only ones standing out. I'm dressed in combats and a baggy white shirt holding a grey shoulder bag. Rae is dressed in black leather pants under black high heeled long boots. She wore a bright purple off one shoulder top and her long coloured red hair sat perfectly on her head.

"Wow," I admired a beautiful painting of a bird. Spreading its beautiful wings in the air as if flew towards the sunrise early in the morning, "I wonder what it represents…It doesn't have a description,"

"I always think of good photos as good jokes. If you find the need to explain it then it just isn't that good enough," Rae shrugged

"It's yours?" I gasped thinking wow how lucky am I!

"Sometimes I suppose it is pretty interesting to hear the story behind a photo because then you can compare the original meaning to the meaning of your own interpretations," She told me wisely, "But in most cases a photo shouldn't need a story to back it up. It simply must speak for itself that's what makes the best photos and photographers unique,"

"She's really intelligent," I thought to myself as I walked with her.

She walked gracefully in her rebellious outfit. She told me to stop calling Rae Cyrus because she didn't like her surname.

"Why not?" I asked, "If you don't mind,"

"Of course I don't mind. I'm getting a divorce and the sooner I can get rid of that name the better it would be. My real name is Riana Osborne but nobody really knows or even cares. I became from Riana Osborne to Rae Osborne when I entered the fame industry." She told me. "My husband is a right arse. I caught him in bed not with one not with two but with three sluttish women. Didn't like him on the first place, a fame hungry pig he is,"

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said awkwardly not knowing what to say to her confession. But Hey! My mom was Christine Osborne. That is so cool!

"We only married because we were drunk in Vegas and stumbled into a chapel. I guess most people who get married in Vegas are drunk." She chuckled reminiscing her past. "We didn't get an annulment because we lived in the same pent house and because we worked together and were good friends,"

She was actually telling me all this…I listened carefully to everything she said to me. My idol is really inspirational and the best!

I was so lost in my thoughts and in Rae's words that I bumped into a man. Dropping my sketchbook onto the floor.

He picked it up and stood in a refined posture in front of the little me. He was tall about my height and overweight. Bald head but had a delightful pure Spanish accent. His white thin shaped beard looked charming on his orange skin.

"Sergio!" Rae shook hands with him, her face beamed as he recognized her and greeted her in Spanish.

"Delightful," Sergio flicked through my sketchbook which had Jesse on every single page. His eyes seemed attached to Jesse, mesmerized by Jesse's beauty. "You are fond of this young man?"

"My inspiration," I blushed nodding my head slightly. "He's a friend from school,"

"You are an excellent artist," He put a hand on my shoulder proudly handing me my book back, "We shall meet again soon, one day senorita,"

He was a busy man crowded by body guards and tons of people. "3rd richest man alive," Rae told me, "Sergio Di Silva,"

Jesse Di Silva!

No it can't be…Jesse isn't rich right? Plus I'm sure Sergio would have recognized his own son or grandson.

Rae sat down with me and took hold of my sketchbook and admired my work.

"He is one hot guy!" She chuckled, "Why didn't you colour him in?"

"I didn't know how to," I shrugged sadly,

"Colour is one feature of photography that we often tend to overlook and take for granted," She said, "Suze colour is really important,"

"I know but the fact is that colour is as much part of visual message as composition and light. Knowing this concept I can use colour as a dominant collaborator to help me express emotions, moods and sensations within my art," I sighed at the colourless drawings, "But when it comes to Jesse everything changes. There's much more to my art than just drawing him. I can't use colour to show bolder expressions because I don't know who Jesse really is. I don't know what's inside of him,"

Rae listened to me carefully. But I didn't realise I was talking to her. I was in my own little world lost in the trance of Jesse Di Silva.

"Jesse's beauty cannot be captured. He's born to be free," I said, "His beauty can be seen by everyone. But seeing and composing his beauty are two different things. I can't put him on paper but he just won't stay,"

"Seems like you are really, really, really fond of this Jesse," Rae grinned at me, "You have a crush on him don't you. Aww sweetie. Honey someone once said the important thing is not the camera but the eye,"

I blinked

"The light in which you see Jesse in that's the light you have to capture him in," She said softly and slowly.

I heard every word clearly and loudly. The wisdom of her words coming from her experience perpetuated in every sentence of her speech.

She offered to treat me out to lunch and I thanked her. We're sitting in the cafeteria of the expedition at the moment as she's giving a short interview to a reporter. I think they're nearly finished.

…

Saturday 31st October 2009
ElestómagodeEspaña
Ladies room – 2.30 pm

Wow! Oh wow! Oh wow!

I'm back in here again, in the stomach of Spain's restroom only this time I'm not up against the pillar with my perverted prince grinding against me. I'm sitting here on w/c writing in my diary.

Rae packed up her interview and came over to me smiling as she asked me if I wanted to head out to the gift shop before heading back to Beverly Hills.

I'm glad I said yes. The second I entered the grand room, my eyes lay down right onto a scorpion. Not a real scorpion. It was a keying. It looked like a scorpion fossil trapped inside the clear glass.

My eyes wouldn't move from it and instantly I dashed over to pick it up. There was only one. I was glad I brought along the money that daddy had given me for the cell phone because I needed to buy it.

It wasn't expensive but my heart beat told me it meant something. Something special!

"Who's that for?" Rae asked intrigued at my choice.

"Uh…It's a friend's birthday today," I bit my bottom lip, "He likes scorpions I think,"

"Uh…Okay," She said

We looked around the gift shop and she bought a few things. She explained the meaning of some things and I felt intrigued by her words and knowledge.

We soon got back into her car and she laughed seeing a couple of kids dressed as mummies and vampires. They were young about the age of 5-8. They looked like they were having a lot of fun playing catch.

It was always just me and daddy playing together at times Andy and his girlfriend would join in. I never played with other kids. Daddy never really let me out of his sight, I didn't mind of course because the fun I had being with him I don't think I would have had even half of the fun with the others children.

"I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween," She chuckled leaning back against the leather seat. "I had friend. A close one. He loved Halloween would seriously go crazy on the day. Everybody in high school called him by the nickname Spaz. I called him the Flaming Spaz."

She told me a bit about her. She was born by the name Riana Osborne in Tennessee, Nashville and moved to New York at the age of 6, she had a younger sister which she didn't look comfortable in naming. She studied in Manhattan at St. Stephens High School. She wasn't a regular student since she was a model and a bit of an explorer.

After graduating finally from high school, she continued to live in Manhattan for the sake of her friend Spaz for a couple of years as he was going through a rough time. In mean time she studied at NYIP which stands for the New York institute of photography.

She moved to Ohio at the age of 22 with Dave Cyrus who she was in a relationship with at the time. She moved to Ohio in search of a valuable necklace that had been lost in one of the beaches. She of course had found it.

She asked about me too. I told her I lived with my dad and his fiancé and Brad. I told her how I have always been living with my dad and he's homeschooled me. I told her about living in Africa taking care of the endangered species alongside my dad.

"It seems as though you're really close to your dad," She smiled and I smiled back nodding my head slightly.

We got to the grand restaurant and my stomach turned thinking of Jesse. I had no idea we were coming here but doubted he would be working since it's his birthday so I ignored the churning of my stomach and walked down the blue carpet.

It looked the same as it had before. There weren't many people inside so there were a lot of free tables available for us as we didn't have any reservations.

We were welcomed by a tall, old man who took us to a table and gave us the menus.

"So you have been here before. That's good, don't need to worry about you not liking the food," Rae joked looking through the menu, "The Spanish cuisine is definitely scrumptious. I've heard they play great music here too."

She hummed going through the menu. I looked around remembering the last time that I had visited here and the sensuous voice of Jesse Di Silva singing filled my mind.

"Ooh Vanessa Gomez," Rae cocked her head to side and I looked to where she was looking. Vanessa Gomez the woman who sang with Jesse the last night was sitting a table not so far away from us in a beautiful crimson red long dress.

A slightly gust of jealousy blew over me remembering how close she was with Jesse when they sang together. How touching it all was. I remembered running out and Jesse declaring to take my all.

I didn't know I was in love with him at that time so I didn't understand jealous. But I know what jealousy is now. It's a stab in the chest that hurts a lot.

"Are you okay?" Rae asked me. I smiled nodding at my idol. Being with her there was nothing that could have been wrong. I was happy; it was such a great day. I can't wait to boast about it to my daddy.

We ordered smoothies for starters and talked a little more about just ordinary things. I was deep into the conversation when a voice tingled in my ear and my head swirled up to look at the familiar face.

"Here's your smoothie madam, hope its sweet enough for you," A soft sincere smile appeared on the familiar face as my heart started to thud fast.

"Adam?" I said surprised at him working here.

"Aww did ya put your finger into it," Rae returned him with a cocky grin,

"Gotcha there," He saluted her with two fingers before turning to me. "You alright?"

"Umm…I'm good," I nodded smiling at him.

"I gotta get back to work. See you," He picked up the black tray and walked back to where he came from. He wasn't the reason my heart was thudding fast. The reason my heart was thudding fast was because of my perverted prince standing afar leaning against the wall and talking to a waitress. He held a tray in his hands and a grin appeared on his mouth.

I couldn't help but stare. And that was my grave mistake. Suddenly, without notice his eyes rolled to me and I choked on the straw of my strawberry smoothie.

"Oh Suze, are you alright?" Rae leaned over to me,

"I…I'm fine," I coughed turning red. What a fool I am! Caught staring and choked. In front of Jesse and Rae!

Why was he working today! Come on it's your birthday go and get drunk the way you always do every night. Why make me choke embarrassingly?

I excused myself to go to the ladies room and now here I am flabbergasted really. Well…It wasn't too bad; I always embarrass myself in front of Jesse.

But Rae was there! I wonder what she's thinking of me at the moment. I wonder if she thinking that I'm a total goof.

I better get back to her.