Ghetsis

This year's tourney was a success. At least for me it was. My champion, Ser Gregor Kagawa, won. And he only killed one person. This time it was his own blood he'd spilled, not mine. Although one of the Kagawans got a good stab in on one of my cousins, and now he may die. Normally I would be angry, but it all comes with the game. It's a sacrifice our families are willing to pay every year to keep the old traditions alive.

I missed Touko very much. It is hard to accept the fact that she doesn't miss me, however. It is so hard to miss someone who doesn't love you back or even cares if you live or die. But I do miss her. I wish she would just accept her fate and take me for what I am.

There are so many women in my service right now who would kill just to be in the position Touko is in right now. They would kill to have a man like me and a chance at true power over a region and possibly the world. Touko doesn't want that. I can't see why.

She is so different. I disgust her because of my age. She was never taught what a real man should be. All Touko wants it's a young smooth skinned boy to play with. She will never want a man until she is older. Or she may want to grow old with the young pathetic boy she wants to be with. But maybe when she is older, she will accept me.

But then I will be even older than I am now, and I will disgust her that much more. I could wait her out, but how long is this going to take? I am so impatient. I want her right now but she will not have me willingly. And I refuse to force myself on her. Well, maybe I will force myself on her, but in a mild fashion. Not rape, just. . . I will find a way to have her close to my heart.

And what if that doesn't work? What if my plan pushes her farther away? How? All I want to do is show her that I mean her no harm. What if worse comes to worse? What if I never have her? These awful thoughts run through my head every single day, and almost every moment. . .

Then, there is always Lorelei.

Oh Arceus, she was beautiful. I spied her from across the jousting field. She wore all blue robes, the color of house Kagawa. Her hair was long and brown, like Touko's, and she was very lean, but built. She had muscle. But not too much muscle. She was still feminine enough for me.

I could have talked to her. I wanted to talk to her. But I felt . . . I can't explain. What if I changed my mind? What if I gave up on Touko, and went for what was easier? I should, could, would, but I made my mind up. I want Touko.

I can't help but think about it, to think about Lorelei. What if she is truly promised to me? What if the rumors are true? Her father, Reed, died six months ago. If the lord left her to me in his will, wouldn't I have found out by now? It's only a rumor, as of right now. But what if it comes to be true? I wish Sage Ryoku would answer my recruitment so I can find out for sure.

Listen to me. I am so eager to know if Lorelei is truly mine. What if I am faced with this truth? I don't want to leave Touko, but she doesn't love me. She may never love me. I could be wasting my time. What if I could have a wife very soon? Lorelei.

Lorelei Kagawa. Warden of the north they called her.

Would she have me? Of course she would.

She smiled at me from across the way. She looked directly at me and smiled. I gave her a half smile. I felt nervous. I should have smiled wider. Arceus, listen to me! I belong to Touko, not her.

Touko doesn't want me.

I wish I knew the truth.

This is heartbreaking. I need answers. I must send Iwao to find Ryoku! I need to know now! But this takes time. I must remain calm. I must control my anger and eagerness.

Lorelei. Touko. Both so beautiful. I could have them both.

No. I'm a one woman kind of man.

Besides, Lorelei may be able to snap Touko's neck with ease.

The helicopter is landing. I will write later.