An early update to resolve the cliffhanger, which means there won't be a post next week, since I'm sure everyone (including myself) is going to be heading into last minute holiday craziness. I hope everyone has a great holiday (or is having a good holiday), and that you get to spend it with those you love in peace and happiness.

Thanks as always to Naelany and wishingforlove. Ladies, you rock.

Inspiration for the title of this chapter comes from the Finger Eleven song Change the World. I've embedded a video on the blog.

"Bella?" The question was unnecessary - it was clearly Bella, soaking wet, trembling, and looking scared to death standing at his door. Her handbag was hanging from her shoulder and her makeup was running tracks over her cheeks from the rain and tears. She was clutching her thigh length leather coat closed, and her knee length skirt was wind and rain swept.

"S-sorry it's l-late," she stammered as he ushered her inside.

"No worries, darlin'. Come in, let's get you warmed up." He pulled two clean towels from the top of the wardrobe, and ushered her toward the bathroom. "I'll leave clothes outside the door and make some tea," he said gently. "Just leave your wet things."

Bella nodded and shut and locked the door behind her. Jasper waited until he heard the shower kick on before he returned to his room. All his clothes would be too big, but he lacked options. He located a clean pair of sweats and a thermal top, along with a pair of heavy socks. He left everything folded in a pile outside the bathroom door. He filled the kettle and set it on the base to heat before returning to his room, pacing with the adjoining door open.

He listened to the shower shut off and heard the door open and close. Bella emerged again a couple minutes later, swimming in his clothes, but no longer shaking from cold. Her wet hair had been piled on her head in a messy bun, and she must've already had the fastener on her somewhere, unless Rose had left one in Emmett's things.

He handed her a cup of tea and guided her back into his room, leaving the adjoining door open a crack. Bella crawled onto the bed, pressing her back against the wall, drawing her knees up to her chest as she cradled the warm mug between her palms.

"What happened, Bells?" Jasper asked gently as he sat next to her, their shoulders bumping.

She blushed, ducking her head. "I got spooked."

"What happened?" he asked again.

"James," she finally whispered.

Jasper draped his arm over her shoulders and pulled her against him in a hug as she started trembling again. "Tell me what happened, sweetheart," he urged quietly.

Bella took a long drink from her tea and a deep breath which she let out through her nose before she spoke. "Me and Alice, Em and Rose went out after dinner," she explained quietly, leaning her head against his shoulder. "Alice dressed me up and did my makeup. I let her talk me into a skirt," she said with a rueful smile. "Anyway, went to a bar and had a couple of drinks, and then we went out dancing," she said. "I danced with a couple of guys." She blushed as she said it, and Jasper couldn't help but smile softly. "But something felt weird. I told Alice and she didn't see anything strange, and neither did Emmett or Rose, so we just kept having a good time. Alice got me the numbers of a couple of guys I danced with before we left. I just had this odd sense that someone was watching me," she said.

Jasper didn't know why, but the thought of Bella getting some other guys' numbers bothered him.

"Alice and I split a cab back to campus since we rode with Em and Rose and they were headed elsewhere for the night," she said with a slight smile. "We split up on the path and I walked back to my building," she said. "It'd started raining while we were in the club, and I was watching where I was going so I wouldn't slip and fall into a puddle; I left my phone in my room," she whispered. "I was digging my key out of my purse when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. When I looked up I couldn't see anything. It happened two more times until I finally saw someone lurking in the shadows of the bushes under one of the windows about halfway down the building; my windows." She shuddered and clutched at her mug.

Jasper tightened his arm around her. "Did he hurt you?" he asked seriously.

She shook her head. "No. But I could feel him watching me. I didn't want to go into the building for the emergency phone with him lurking outside and chance of him slipping in behind me or a student, so I ran over here, after stopping at a couple of other buildings to make sure he wasn't following me. The dean had my card set for emergency access to all buildings after hours when I filed for the restraining order after Halloween," she explained before Jasper could ask how she'd been able to get in when the after-hours codes had been set. "I didn't know where else to go. I didn't have my car keys so I couldn't leave campus and-"

"Sh," Jasper soothed her. "It's fine. You absolutely should have come here. You did good," he assured her, hugging her tight. "Tomorrow, we're going to call the police and report him, and then we'll see if we can get your room changed. The other side of Alice's suite is still empty, right?"

"Okay," she whispered. "Yes, but I don't want to invade her space. Can we wait and see what the police do before we talk to anyone about moving?"

"Alright, darlin'," he agreed. "But you're not going home tonight," he said firmly.

"I'm not going to fight you on that one," she said with a shudder.

"Good." He kissed the top of her head. "Do you want more tea?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Thanks."

Jasper took her empty cup and rose. "Pick out a movie and get comfortable, okay?"

She smiled at him gratefully and nodded. "Thanks, Jas."

He returned the smile and walked into the kitchenette. He placed the empty mugs into the sink, filling them with a bit of water so they wouldn't stain. After making sure the kettle was off he turned out the lights and returned to his room, leaving the adjoining door unlocked. He double checked that his door to the hall was locked before he tugged the folded afghan (that Bella had brought him when he'd been ill and he'd never returned) from on top of the wardrobe and spread it on the floor, snagging a sweatshirt from the back of his chair that he folded into a pillow. It wouldn't be the most comfortable bed he'd never slept in, but neither would it be the worst.

"What the hell are you doing?" Bella asked, the softness of her voice a contrast to the words.

"Making up someplace to sleep?" The words transformed into a sentence without Jasper's consent.

"You're not sleeping down there."

"Neither are you, darlin', and that bed's not really big enough for two of us," Jasper responded.

"Jasper Whitlock, are you saying I'm fat?" Bella asked.

"Fuck no," he answered quickly.

Bella giggled. "Get up here, please?" she asked quietly. "We're adults and we can share. I know you're missing Edward and I could just really use someone to hold me tonight. Okay?"

"Promise you won't bite?" he asked, teasing as he climbed to his feet.

She giggled again and held up three fingers at shoulder level. "Promise."

Jasper dragged the table a bit closer to the bed so he could set up the laptop with the movie. He settled on the bed, turned onto one side, his back to the wall as Bella snuggled up in front of him, her back to his front, Jasper's arms wrapped around her middle. With his duvet pulled over them it was warm and comfortable, and it wasn't long before Jasper dozed off again, his forehead pressed lightly to the top of Bella's head, his soft breath ruffling her hair.

The body next to and half on top of Jasper was warm, soft, and snuggly. As he'd slept, he'd turned onto his back, his preferred position for sleeping. Somewhere in the back of his mind, something niggled, but barely half awake after the only real sleep he'd gotten in a week, Jasper ignored it. His arms tightened around his bed companion who squirmed and sighed softly, burrowing closer. He felt soft lips brush against his collarbone where his t-shirt had shifted in his sleep. Jasper's hands drifted under his partner's shirt, caressing the soft skin. He heard a giggle and he shifted, nudging his companion into a better position as he shifted onto his side, not so surreptitiously rubbing his morning erection against soft flesh. His partner moaned softly and arched into him. Without opening his eyes Jasper let his hands wander. He skimmed soft flesh, finding soft curves where he expected hard planes, and his eyes flew open when he encountered not hardened pecs, but soft fleshy breasts whose nipples had pebbled under his thumbs.

"Mm. Jasper?" Bella's morning voice was low and warm like honey, an edge of sleepy confusion and desire laced through it. "Feels good," she murmured.

Part of him screamed to keep going, that she'd acknowledged and accepted and she was so warm and felt good against him. But it was Bella, who talked in her sleep, his best friend and Edward might forgive him, but he'd never forgive himself.

"Jasper, don't stop," Bella mumbled. His hands had stilled on her breasts and he moved them away, letting them rest instead on her flat stomach. He couldn't quit bear to let her go just yet, though something inside was screaming that it was wrong. Bella sighed again and snuggled deeper into his embrace and he bit back a moan as his body responded.

He and Edward's conversation before New Year's came rushing back, flooding Jasper with the emotions he'd felt that as he walked in the rain, guilt, confusion, and anxiety pouring over him like that cold rain had. He felt suddenly sick as he thought about how close he'd come to doing the one thing he'd asked Edward not to. He needed out of the bed.

Bella squirmed and clung to him whimpering softly when he tried to rise. "Shh, darlin'," he consoled her softly. "Just goin' to the bathroom," he said as calmly as he could.

She let go finally and he quietly shut the adjoining door behind him. Once in the bathroom, the cold tile shocked him and once he'd used the toilet and splashed cold water on his face he felt a bit more calm and centered physically, though his thoughts were still racing.

He stared at himself for a minute in the mirror. His eyes were bright but red-rimmed, stubble covering his jaw and chin, his hair blonde hair wild but dull in color, nearly chin length. He looked as he felt; a mess. He dropped his gaze to the porcelain bowl of the sink, trying to breathe deeply through his nose to calm the nausea he felt rising. Not at the fact that he'd been feeling up a woman, but because that woman was his best friend who'd trusted him to protect her, not take advantage of her. He swallowed harshly, trying to tell himself that it was simply a matter of comfort, that his body had responded to the warmth and pressure of her body against his, that he hadn't assaulted her, that she hadn't minded and liked it. She had asked him to continue.

He had stopped when he'd realized what he was doing. He hadn't done anything wrong.

It took a long few minutes before Jasper's conscience finally allowed him to process and believe that. He splashed more water on his face and ran his damp hands through his hair, pushing the long strands back out of his face. When he left the bathroom he turned the kettle on to get the water heating while he washed out their mugs from the night before.

Jasper peeked back into his bedroom. Bella had curled up in a tight ball near the middle of his bed, Jasper's pillow clutched in her arms. She looked peaceful, but also vulnerable in the clothes that were too big. Her hair had fallen out of the bun during the night and her long hair spilled over her body like another blanket. As he watched her sleep for a minute he wondered if that was how she normally rested, or if like himself, it was a protective position.

When the water was done, Jasper made a cup of coffee and went back to the bed. He coaxed Bella out of her curl once he'd settled back against the head of the bed, and she easily relaxed with a relieved sigh when she cuddled into the pillow Jasper placed against his hip for her. He cradled his coffee in his right hand and played with long strands of her hair with his left as he thought about everything Edward had said before New Year's.

It was the second time he'd woken up with Bella in his arms, and it had felt much like the first. It felt right, somehow. But it also felt wrong, because she wasn't Edward. Christ, he was confused. How could something feel right and wrong at the same time?

Jasper drank his coffee as his thoughts continued to chase each other around his head until Bella stirred awake against him. He put his cup aside as she stretched and turned her face up to him against the pillow, her brown eyes heavy lidded but clear, a small smile in place.

"Morning," she said quietly.

"Mornin' darlin'," he greeted her. "Sleep okay?"

"Mm, yes," she said with another stretch of her legs, her pointed toes brushing against his calves. "Did you?"

"Pretty well," Jasper admitted.

"Good. You looked like you needed it." The more she spoke, the more the smoky sexy tone of her voice faded. She yawned and sat up a bit. "Can I ask you something?" she asked after she stretched again, smoothing her hair between her fingers before twisting it up into a knot and letting it fall again, washing Jasper in the scent of his own shampoo.

"Sure," he said, tugging lightly on the end of her hair playfully.

She stuck her tongue out at him. "Did something happen this morning?" she asked.

"Uh," Jasper stammered, dropping the tendril he'd been running through his fingers. "Yeah. I was a little confused when I woke up earlier."

Bella raised an eyebrow at him, but she was biting her lip. "How confused?"

"Confused enough to be really fucking embarrassed, sweetheart, and owe you an apology," Jasper said quietly.

Bella smiled softly. "No apology necessary, Jas."

"You were awake?" he asked, feeling his heart begin to race.

She shook her head. "No, not really. I just had a weird dream that felt a bit too real."

Jasper let his breath out slowly. "I should still apologize," he said. "You trusted me and-"

"Jasper, it's okay," she assured him. Her smile was still in place, but there was something in her eyes that Jasper couldn't read. "Honestly. I'm not upset." She shifted and kissed his cheek. "Okay?"

He nodded slowly. "Okay," he answered softly. Jasper wasn't sure it was a great idea to just let it drop, but Bella seemed to want to, so he followed suit.

"Okay," she repeated. "What time is it?" she asked, twisting to face the clock on the ledge.

"Just after nine," he reported.

"Meh," she answered sullenly. "Alright," she sighed. "I'm up."

Jasper laughed softly and kissed the crown of her head. "Ready to make that phone call?"

She groaned and shook her head. "I need a few minutes to make myself human again first," she said lightly, untangling herself from the covers and getting to her feet. "Is there more tea?"

"In the cupboard." Jasper nodded toward the kitchenette.

"Okay." She shuffled off toward the adjoining door and Jasper brought his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs and resting his chin on his knees. His phone beeped behind him and he fumbled for it, not raising his head. It felt heavy and he felt unsure, and it was wiping out all the relief he'd felt at getting full night's sleep.

He smiled when he saw the message from Edward. He returned the morning greeting with an "ILU." Edward sent back that he was on his way to breakfast and he'd call later. Jasper tucked the phone away just as Bella came back, her hair secured with what looked to be chopsticks, a mug between her palms. She'd tucked in the oversized shirt and rolled the waistband of his sweats to make them fit, but they still hung low on her hips and pooled around her ankles over the top of the thick socks she was wearing.

"Do you mind? I can't find my hair tie," she explained with a wave toward her head.

Jasper shook his head with a grin. "Nope. I'll just put them back in Emmett's things."

Bella laughed quietly and sat at the foot of the bed with her feet tucked up underneath her. "So what's the plan?"

"You're going to use my phone to call in a report about James," Jasper explained. "Then, if you don't mind going like that, we'll go grab breakfast, and if the police say it's safe to do so, I will walk you home so you can get on with your day."

Bella made a face around her mug and Jasper laughed. "Which I gather is you shopping with Alice this afternoon?"

She nodded. "Yeah." Bella sighed and shrugged. "It's not all that bad, just a few stops before dinner at Esme and Carlisle's, and I can work tomorrow," she said. "I just kind of wanted to get some work done today."

"You'll still have a bit of time this morning, unless you're on the phone for awhile."

"Yeah." She took another sip from her mug. "Alright, let's get this over with. Give me the phone," she said, holding out her hand.

Jasper handed it to her with a grin. "I can give you privacy, or I can stay," he offered.

"Stay, please," she asked shyly.

Jasper smiled and nodded and uncurled himself. He stretched his legs out across the bed so his toes brushed her thighs where she sat.

Bella offered him a grateful smile as she dialed.

He listened to Bella's half of the conversation without soaking up too many of the details, since they'd talked it through the previous night. He just let her know he was there while she spoke to the officer. The conversation lasted about twenty minutes.

"They picked James up for drunk driving last night," she explained with a sigh, handing Jasper back his phone. "They've got him in custody and he won't be released until later this afternoon. They've made a note of the violation of the protective order and will forward it to the D.A." She slumped forward slightly. "I'm not supposed to go anywhere on my own for a few days, and I should change dorms if possible." She sounded angry and sad at the same time.

Jasper nudged her lightly with his foot and held one arm out in invitation. "You going to be okay?" he asked softly as she crawled across the bed to join him.

"I don't know," she said after a beat. "I thought I was done dealing with all this stuff," she explained. "Just as everything's starting to feel normal again, when I feel like I can stop looking over my shoulder to see if he's watching he does something else to put me right back where I was. He's fucking with my life, and I hate him for it," she said vehemently.

Jasper was taken slightly aback. He wasn't sure he'd ever heard her swear before. "You've got every right to be pissed at him, Bella. But you can't let him have this kind of power over you. That's all he's doing, exerting what little power he has left to frighten you and keep you running. Now," he said, "That doesn't mean we're going to be stupid about this. You're going to change dorms. We will keep you safe."

She nodded.

"James does this so he can control you in the only way he has left," Jasper explained quietly. "He can't tell you how to dress or who to hang out with or what to eat anymore. All he can do is try to intimidate you. He's a scared weak little man who needs to abuse and control people to feel better about himself, and you're not his pawn anymore, right?"

"Right," Bella answered. "But if he's violating the protective order…"

"If you see him, call the police," Jasper said. "Call one of us, though we're likely to be right there with you if he's not in jail," he explained. "He can only violate the order so many times before the cops throw him in jail just because they're tired of responding to your calls."

Bella smiled a bit. "Okay."

"Okay," Jasper said with a nod, giving her a squeeze. "We'll talk to Esme tonight about what we need to do to switch your rooms. I know it's a pain in the ass darlin', but it's the best way to keep you safe."

She nodded, looking down into her empty mug. "I hate being such a bother," she muttered.

"It's no bother keeping you safe, Bells," Jasper answered. "None of this is your fault."

"But if I hadn't-"

"Not. Your. Fault." Jasper emphasized each word.

Bella sighed and nodded and Jasper knew she didn't believe him. She probably wouldn't until James went away for a long time.

He gave her another hug. "Alright then, since we're on the buddy system, and I'm ready for food, how does a trip to the cafeteria sound?"

Bella gave him a half smile and nodded. "Sounds good."

Where Bella looked cute in his sweats and thermal, Jasper looked like a slob in his. "Just give me a minute to put on real pants," he said, pulling a pair from the bureau and stepping into the kitchenette to change quickly. When he emerged, Bella was looking at her dress shoes with a small little frown. There was no way she'd be able to wear them over her socks.

"Forget swimming, sweetheart, you're going to drown in my shoes," Jasper quipped, but he drug out his trainers for her, while he slipped into his loafers. They crammed her clothes from the night before into a small duffel bag that Jasper carried as they headed out for breakfast.

They shuffled to the dining hall, trying their best to avoid puddles. Bella couldn't lift her feet; each time she did she stepped right out of Jasper's shoes, causing her to stumble and Jasper to laugh as he tried to catch her. They were both laughing when they reached the cafeteria and took a moment to calm down before they got trays and meals and found a quiet corner against a window.

He walked Bella home after breakfast, on the lookout for James (even though he was supposed to be in custody) or anything else suspicious.

When they reached her dorm, Bella slipped out of Jasper's shoes and tiptoed up to kiss him goodbye. It wasn't a friendly kiss on the cheek or a peck on the mouth, but a lingering press of lips that wasn't heated, but wasn't completely chaste, either.

"Bella, I-" he started. The feeling he'd had when she'd dropped their earlier conversation came back. There was something else, but he couldn't place it. Did she remember more than she'd let on?

"Sh," she shushed him, a finger over his lips. "It's okay," she said with a sad smile, a flash of longing in her wide brown eyes. "I just wish things could be a bit different, y'know?" she whispered. She drew her hand back. "I'll see you at dinner," she said quickly, letting herself into her room, but not before he saw the threat of tears in her eyes. She closed the door before he could say anything else.

After a moment of staring at her closed door, Jasper bent to pick up his shoes and headed back to his room.

Jasper didn't actually see her for dinner – he never made it to the Cullens'. He did at least phone Esme and let her know he wasn't feeling up to it. She seemed understanding, promising to send a plate of leftovers with Emmett.

He spent the day in his room, trying to distract himself with grading homework, but thoughts of how Bella had felt under him, how her lips had felt in on his, his conversation with Edward kept invading and distracting him from his distraction. He threw his pen across the room in frustration and opened a blank word doc and started to type.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. How can I possibly be beginning to question myself now, at this point in my life? I thought I had everything figured out. If I had wanted to be with a woman, why couldn't I have been with Maria and saved my career? Why Bella? Why now? Would I even be considering this if Edward hadn't brought it up? I don't know what to do and I'm so fucking confused. I mean – Edward's gone and will be for weeks, and I could really use him here right now to help me sort this all out. The look in Bella's eyes this morning has been haunting me all day – could she want me that way, even knowing I'm with Edward? Even knowing that that I'm gay? But I think it's haunting me even more because for a moment this morning I actually considered listening to that tiny voice in my head that told me it was okay, that Edward wouldn't mind (would encourage it, actually). But it feels wrong in some way. She reminds me so much of Amber, which I think is part of the problem. But fuck…this morning…I don't know if it's just because I've gone a week without Edward and I was starved for some human contact or what…it felt good. Right. Like Edward feels right in my arms, it just felt like one of the most natural things in the world. Being with Bella has been like that before, and we've always been affectionate with each other, since James. But do I want her? Do I want to sleep with her? Certain parts of my anatomy definitely thought so this morning. And what does that mean for my relationship with Edward? I already love them both, but Edward possesses so much of my life and heart – is there room for Bella in there too? Jesus Christ I can't believe I'm actually considering this…I don't know what it is I'm considering, really. Me and Bella? Me and Bella and Edward? Fuck, I don't even know what she wants, or what Edward wants (Edward wants us both). I just…I can't…this is making my brain hurt. Yesterday I was a gay man missing his lover. Today I'm a confused mess still missing his lover who has hurt his best friend by inadvertently rejecting her. That's what happened, isn't it? I mean, I didn't kiss her back, and there was rejection written all over her features. But surely she didn't expect…I mean, me and Edward. But Bella…fuck, this isn't helping. I wish Edward were here. I wish I could just talk to him, just curl up with him and let him help me figure out what this is going on in my head. I wish he'd be here with me so we could talk to Bella together. I want him to tell me this is going to be alright and that I'm not going crazy. But something he said keeps popping up in my mind. He said "If in six months Bella comes to either one of us…" Well, she came to me. I wonder why not Edward (he's not here). I mean – he's wanted to be with her before, so…would she even want us both? Could I do that to Edward? Either way? Jesus, Whitlock there you go jumping the gun again. You don't even know what she wants, or how she feels. Fuck. I'm just going in circles and nothing's making any sense. I don't even know what the fuck I want. Okay, not true. I want Edward. I want a decent night's sleep. I want to not ruin my friendship with Bella or my relationship with the rest of Edward's family. I just don't know what to do, and I hate being helpless. I just…she's Bella. She's my best friend besides Edward and I love her. I can't lose her. And I don't know what to do.

When he was finished he sat back with a sigh, rubbing his eyes. He opened his email and composed a quick note to Bella.

Bella sweetheart, I'm sorry about this morning. Both what happened in my room, and when I walked you home. It wasn't very gentlemanly of me to be so inconsiderate with your feelings. You just kind of caught me off guard. I didn't miss dinner tonight because of you – I'm just not ready to go back to the Cullens'; I hope you can understand. I'd have called, but I had a feeling you might not have spoken to me. ;-) I'll see you tomorrow at dinner, okay? I do love you, sweetheart, I just need to get some things figured out in my head. Call me if you need to.

He hit send before he could second guess himself or the words. Jasper closed the lid on his laptop and changed into a pair of shorts (after rummaging through his drawer for a clean jock) and a t-shirt and tugged on his trainers. With is iPod and keys in hand, he set off for the gym.

Jasper ran himself stupid, as his mama would've said. He lost himself in the rhythm of his feet on the belt and the beat pounding in his ears. He would've run outside, but it was raining and he'd been sick enough for awhile. Sweat soaked his shirt and ran down his face, and Jasper ran until his legs felt like jello and his chest burned with exertion. He had to hold on to the railing when he stepped off the treadmill to keep his balance. His cool down stretches left him shaking and he hoped he'd exhausted himself enough to get some more sleep; the only decent sleep he'd had all week had been when Bella'd been in his bed. Even when Edward had stayed over Thursday night, Jasper had spent stretches of time just watching his lover sleep. With Bella, sleep had come easily and he'd slept soundly.

He quickly banished that thought and wished that he'd brought a hoodie with him as his warm sweaty body hit the frigid drizzle outside the gym. Jasper dredged up the energy to jog back to his building in order to get warm more quickly.

As soon as he hit his door he began stripping out of clothes, leaving them in a trail to his closet where he grabbed the towels hanging from the corners. He wrapped one around his waist after he stepped out of his shorts, leaving everything in a pile by the door. Jasper brushed past Emmett, who was heating something in the microwave and slipped into the bathroom. He didn't bother with the light (the small night-light providing enough light for him to avoid running into anything) as he turned on the taps and was rewarded almost instantly with hot water. The step into the tub strained his tired quads, and his legs shook as he stood under the water. He braced himself against the wall, body exhausted as the hot water rinsed the sweat and grime from his skin and began to warm him.

"Jas, man, you alright?" Emmett called into the room after tapping on, then opening the door.

"Yeah," Jasper called back. "I'll be out in a minute."

"No worries," Emmett said. "You just looked a little wild."

"I ran for a bit too long," he said, shaking himself out of his exhausted stupor and reaching for the shampoo. "I'm gonna clean up and crash."

"Alright. Mom sent leftovers for you; they're in the fridge. Get some sleep."

"Thanks, Em." Jasper heard the door close before he stuck his head under the spray to rinse the suds out. He finished washing quickly and stumbled back into his room with a towel wrapped around his waist. His eyes felt heavy as he awkwardly tugged on a pair of pajamas pants before falling onto the bed. Jasper's exhausted body overruled his mind and sleep dragged him under quickly.

Sleep faded just as quickly, as Jasper woke only a few hours later. His body ached from the run and his head and heart hurt from all the unanswered questions. He stumbled into the kitchenette for a bottle of water which he drained quickly, then refilled from the tap and drank more slowly. Back in his room he glanced at the clock and saw it was just after 1 am. Jasper sighed and ran his left hand through his hair, tugging on the ends in frustration (realizing that he'd stolen the gesture from Edward). Doubting he'd get back to sleep, he paced back into the kitchenette and retrieved the plate of leftovers from Esme.

He reheated the bowl of stroganoff over noodles and carried it with him back to the table in his room. Jasper sat heavily, flipping his laptop open with another sigh as he poked at his dinner with a fork and waited for his computer to wake back up.

Bella hadn't responded to his earlier email, not that he expected her to, and a new level of anxiety curled into his stomach. He hadn't meant his words in the hall outside her room (all two of them) as a brush off; she'd just taken him by surprise. She'd kissed him.

She'd kissed him at New Year's too, but he'd attributed that to the alcohol at the time. She'd been sober that morning; the scare of running into James had sobered her up before she'd stepped into Jasper's shower to get warm (if she'd even been that intoxicated to begin with).

He thought about their relationship as he ate. They'd been close almost from the start, just as Jasper had been with Edward. From the first time he met her, Bella had reminded him of Amber, not just in her physical appearance (and then only in build), but in her quiet selflessness with others and her keen intuition for pleasing the others around her. Bella always just seemed to know what someone needed to feel better and quietly made it happen. She made him feel better with a touch, much like Edward could, and she understood him in ways no one else in the family could, not being able to share in his grief over losing his family.

Jasper really just couldn't fathom losing her friendship over the misunderstanding of that morning. He hadn't disliked the kiss, but she'd startled him and he didn't really have the chance to respond before she'd pulled away and hushed him.

Christ, he wanted Edward to come home so he had someone to talk to about everything. His dinner sat on top of the ball of anxiety that had settled in his stomach and he stopped eating. His body hummed with restless energy and he was tempted to go for swim, but he knew that wasn't safe with the condition he was already in from the run with no one around in the middle of the night to help him if he ran into trouble.

He shut down his computer and grabbed his iPod from the dock. With a bit more force than necessary he plugged in his earbuds as he stretched out on his bed. Jasper turned the volume up louder than was strictly needed, but the music helped to drown out his thoughts. He concentrated on flexing and relaxing each muscle, trying to ease the tension and find some kind of relaxation. It took some time, but finally he didn't feel the need to run laps around the school grounds and drifted back into a restless sleep.

Despite waking up feeling like he'd been run over by a truck, Jasper forced himself into the shower and then to breakfast on Sunday morning.

Jasper arrived at the hospital in his worn jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt under the hoodie he'd stolen from Edward (and worn so much in the last week it didn't carry much of Edward's scent anymore), carrying his beat up guitar case. He decided he should probably look into getting a new bag, if he was going to be actually using it more often; the case was beginning to look less and less structurally sound.

He made his way up to the pediatric floor and found the common room where they'd gathered for the Christmas celebration less than a month earlier. Despite being exhausted, Jasper had a feeling spending a couple of hours with the kids was exactly what he needed. Edward would be home in a few hours (four hours and fifteen minutes, not that Jasper was counting), and he just needed something to brighten his spirits.

"Hi! Jasper, right?" A young woman dressed as a candy striper greeted him at the door to the playroom. "Dr. Cullen said we could probably expect you today. I'm Jenny," she introduced herself.

"Hi, Jenny. Yes, I'm Jasper," he acknowledged.

She flashed him a bright smile. "This is your first time, right?" At his nod, she continued. "Well, there's nothing really formal. Generally we have someone who comes in and reads stories or plays music and the kids get to just relax and play. There's some kind of treat, usually, since we try to celebrate any birthdays for the month."

Jasper nodded. "I brought my guitar."

"Great!" she enthused. "How are you with kids' songs?"

Jasper grinned. "I've been brushing up."

"Good! I'll introduce you."

He followed her into the room, and he recognized a few of the kids from Christmas. He felt momentarily sad, realizing they'd probably been in the hospital for weeks.

"Hi, kids!" Jenny called out, clapping her hands. "I've got a treat for you today. Jasper's here to play for you!"

The kids cheered and Jasper caught a few smiles from parents he also recognized has having been around at Christmas. As he settled down, pulling out his guitar, a few of the kids crept closer, gathering around him on the floor. Jasper joined them and began to play.

He ran through a few favorites he remembered from his childhood. He started with Old MacDonald, letting the kids yell out animals, and then moved on to the Wheels on the Bus, which got them up and acting out the movements. Before he got them sat back down, he strummed along as they sang I'm a Little Teapot. After Nobody Likes Me (guess I'll go eat worms), he played There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly, and finished up the set with a rousing version of Hokey Pokey. The whole thing lasted about an hour, and after the group dance (some of the kids had dragged their parents in to the Hokey Pokey), the group quieted down a little, finding toys to play with.

Jasper placed his guitar back in the case, feeling more relaxed, but slightly sadder as he watched the kids play. While he was more than happy to be there and give the kids some small happiness, he kind of wished he wasn't alone while he was doing it. He rose and walked a bit, stretching out his back and legs that were still protesting the previous evening's run.

"You look sad," a small voice drifted up.

Jasper looked down at his old friend Shelly and dredged up a smile for her. He eased himself to the floor and sat cross-legged, patting the floor beside him. She sat carefully, then wiggled herself closer to his side.

"Why are you sad?" she asked.

"Do you remember my friend Edward?" Jasper asked.

"He was the one with the pretty hair?" she asked, her face scrunched up as she tried to remember. "He played cars with Teddy."

"Yes, that's him," Jasper said with a small laugh. "Well, he's gone on a trip and I miss him." It was the best simple explanation he could come up with.

"Is he your best friend? Like Lisa is my best friend?"

Jasper nodded. "He's my very best friend."

Shelly nodded sagely, and Jasper fought back the amused laugh that threatened to bubble up as she looked so serious.

"Mommy helps me write letters to Lisa and my other friends when they have to go away. Maybe you should write him a letter," she suggested. "I like to get letters. Sometimes, I get letters back when my friends go on trips and they send me stickers and candies and things," she said, her smile returning.

"Maybe I will," Jasper said with a nod. He hadn't wanted to bother Edward when he knew he was already going to be a mess over the concert. Other than a quick text to wish him luck and reminded Edward that he loved him, Jasper hadn't initiated any contact with Edward since he'd left with the band Friday morning. He'd been too afraid that if he'd had, especially after the previous day, everything would have come bursting out of him where Edward wouldn't be able to do a thing about it. "Thanks, Shelly." He kissed the top of her head.

She kissed his cheek. "You're welcome. Come on, let's go play!" she said, jumping to her feet and tugging on his hand.

He smiled and got to his feet, following her over to a group of kids who were playing with toys out of a communal box. They played until Jenny called everyone back together for snack time, and Jasper pulled his guitar back out to play Happy Birthday as they sung for three small kids celebrating their 3rd, 5th, and 8th birthdays. Jasper declined a cupcake of his own, but accepted the bite Shelly offered, insisting that cupcakes made her happy, so they'd make Jasper not-sad.

Jasper envied her way of thinking that mad everything so simple.

He left when Jenny let him know that the kids would be asked to return to their room in a little while. He said his goodbyes and promised to come back again, accepting handshakes from a few dads and grateful hugs from a couple of moms.

Jasper stopped at the grocery store on his way back to campus to stock up on milk, bread, and a couple of other things to round out his pantry and snack drawer of his desk. His class schedule may have been more balanced than the previous semester, but office hours and all the extra responsibilities meant that he needed to keep something on hand.

He had to keep himself from running to Edward's dorm when he saw the tour bus in the parking lot when he returned to campus. Jasper forced himself to take a deep breath and return to his room to put away his groceries, reminding himself that Edward had just been alone with 30-odd teenagers for three days, on little sleep, and probably needed some time to himself. Besides, if Jasper were to go find Edward, he was fairly certain they wouldn't make it to dinner. He missed Edward too much and he had too much he needed to talk about.

Which was why when he left for dinner, Jasper felt himself withdrawing inward. A campus wide dinner wasn't the place to bring anything up, and Jasper knew that if he started, he wouldn't be able to stop, not with how much turmoil he had building inside.

So, he changed into a Forks Academy polo with his trousers, slipped into his loafers, and pulled on his trench coat like it was a mental as much as physical barrier from the elements, and left for the dining hall.

So, I hope that's not a bad place to leave you for the holidays. I promise there will be a chapter in the week between Christmas and New Year's, so you won't have to go too long without an update (since I know you're all dying to know what will happen now, though the path we're on should be pretty clear).