Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia, Crocodile Dundee or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.
Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the one and only Near's Guide to High School! I, your host Nate Rivers and the boy who happens to be the star of this fanfic, would like to this chance to personally tell about how grateful I am that you've deigned to spend your precious time reading our humble story.
YOU F^%$#& B#$%^&*! YOU SHOULD ALL BE $#%# AND ^%$#!&*! SEE HOW YOU F#%^&$ LIKE IT!
Now that I have made myself clear, let us go onto the main feature:
Last chapter we left off with myself and my companions being chased by crazed Jam-cultists at two hundred miles per hour in trash heap pretending to be car powered by several marsupials. We after a few hours of that, managed to shake BB and Co long enough to find a good hiding spot under a few bushes thanks to Dundee's outback survival skills.
Now we were faced with a new problem however, as soon as we hid the J.A.M. Invaded the area around us so we couldn't escape.
"Now what do we do?" Asked England in a tense voice.
"I dunno," said Australia. "The plan was to hid out here 'til they gave up but they were closer than expected so they probably saw us going in this direction-"
"And since we dumped the car they know we are hiding out here somewhere." Finished England. "Why did you dump the car anyway, it seems a bit stupid."
"Oi! These poor little buggers worked hard for you, they're all tuckered out and need a rest mate," the Dingo leapt off Australia's hat as he took it off to reveal the little marsupials who had been powering the car before replacing it on his head.
England sighed, "well we need a way out of here and fast, Near, you're the resident Genius, any ideas?"
I frowned, thinking for a moment. "... A few, but I'm afraid that there's no way I can think of that we can get out of here without actually beating the Jam cult once and for all."
England started at me. ".. I don't suppose that you actually have a plan for this?"
I nodded," yes, several actually."
England frowned again. "Will we give away our position if they don't work?"
"It's highly unlikely." I reassured him.
"... We'll it;'s not like we have anything to lose, besides our lives, dignity and sanity. Since we'll be losing those if we don't anyway we might as well try." England sighed.
I grinned and took out the Slash Note, "very well, let's hope this works." I opened the book and started writing with a small black pen.
Suddenly BB and Russia stood still from where they been looking for us but meters away. Then they turned to face one another and looked into each others eyes. Then they skipped the rest of the usual romance scene just went straight to hard-core rapage.
"This is... wrong." Stated England. "Just... wrong."
"Got that right, mate," agreed Australia.
"Well try not to look and you should be fine after a few litres of purified alcohol". Said I, any second now...
But, alas, what I was waiting for never came. What was I waiting for? Well I had written BB and Russia's names into the slash note for a specific reason, not because I'm a hardcore masochist who enjoys feeling his mind break from a pairing which the Fan-girls had probably never even dreamed of before now, which would be all the worse because I effectively invented said pairing. Anyhow, reason for writing nightmare fuel into existence: The Jam-cult worships Jam (for those of you who are just that stupid enough to not have worked that out by now), I wrote BB and Russia's names into the Slash Note with the little detail that they would start proclaiming how much they hate Jam during their 'interactions'. This would have resulted in them being painfully dismembered and giving myself and co the chance to get out of their while the body-parts were flying.
Instead this is what occurred:
"Oh.. how I love Jam.." moaned Russia.
"JAM IS THE FOOD OF JAM!" Whispered BB.
"Jam will become one with Russia...".
"NO! RUSSIA WIL BECOME ONE WITH JAM! AND BB WILL BECOME ONE WITH JAM! LET US ALL BECOME ONE WITH JAM!"
"OH HELLS YEAH!" Came the voices of the J.A.M. Who came bursting out the bushes. Seconds later I, England, Australia and Crocodile Dundee were subject to witnessing the Jam-cult become one, with said substance being the lubricant.
"... No". Stated England.
"...." Australia was apparently to busy curling in a ball and crying to say anything. Dundee was no where to be found. I found out just where had gone moment's later when I heard the sound of a 'car' speeding off into the distance mixed with the sobs of a grown man.
I would later look into the Slash Note to find the following message written in bright pink:
Better luck next time, you didn't really think I would let you off the hook that easily did you?
XOX Fate.
PS: You Suck.
PSS: I've melted your Legos down to make sex toys :)
Near: 20 Fate: 33
"Oh dear." Noted Russia from his position on the ground. "One of them has escaped and General Pipe had gotten stuck up there again".
England nudged both myself and Australia, "quick, while they are distracted, lets escape."
I looked over to Australia. "Do you think he'll can make it?"
England smiled at me. "Unfortunately right now I am afflicted with the fact that I just really don't care if he makes it or not, I can't see that again." His left eye twitched.
"... Alright then, fine with me-"
"Okay, orgy time over, lets go back to looking for them!" Came Russia's voice.
"Yes Sir!" Saluted the J.A.M. who promptly marched around us in such a way that it was impossible to move out of our hiding spot without being seen.
"... Typical." Said I.
"... I hope you have another plan". Said England in a tired voice. "Preferably not involving sex".
"Of course I do, I'm L the third remember?" I smiled. "And as it just so happens nothing about this plan involves sex."
England frowned. "Oh, what does it involve then?"
I grinned, England flinched. "Magic".
England's eyes widened. "You mean you want me to cat a spell to get rid of them? Why didn't we just do that before!?"
"Because your magic has a habit of failing miserably. However even if it does it should provide enough of a distraction for us to get the hell out of here, along with possibly disabling the Jam-cult."
England sighed. "Fine, I suppose we don't have a choice right now do we?" He thought for a moment before raising a finger. "Right, I've got the perfect spell in mind, just be ready to run." And with that he started muttering something under his breath, little green and blue sparkles appearing around us.
"Hey, what's with the pretty little lights? They're gong to give away our position!"
"Oh, sorry, I forgot to turn off the special effects." England snapped his fingers and the sparkles disappeared.
Suddenly Russia started floating upwards, apparently flying. "Oh my."
BB unexpectedly started floating upwards as well. "THIS IS MOST DEFINETLY NOT JAM!"
England smiled and stopped chanting for a few seconds. "This spell send the target, or targets in this case several hundred feet into the air before letting them again with a bone-powdering organ-liquefying smash. It's great for parties, especially when there's uninvited guests."
He resumed chanting and the J.A.M. Suddenly flew upwards s well. "OH GREAT JAM!? HAVE YOU JUDGED US WORTHY OF ASCENDING TO THE HEAVENS!?"
Unfortunately, as I imagine you would expect, this was not to last. There was a sudden gust of wind, carrying a few grass clippings with it, straight to England's nose as a matter of fact.
A horrified expression crossed England's face for a second before he let out a bellowing sneeze, one that's echoes found each other and made mini echoes with one another.
Unfortunately for us this happened to be one of the crucial points of the spell, the one part that mus never ever be disrupted for any reason. There was a sudden flash of light from behind us and the Jam-cult fell from the heavens, landing in a pile.
"Of f^%$ swore England."
"W-what's going on?" Asked I, feeling a little bit scared.
"E-England?" Came a timid voice from behind us, I looked to see a small boy of about twelve years of age wearing an ancient school uniform. "What's going on England?"
"Oh... damn," hissed England. "There's no telling what the spell does if it's broken, but it's always horrifyingly bad."
Near: 20 Fate: 34
I frowned. "What do you mean, assuming that's Australia over there all that seems to have happened is that you've turned him into a child again."
England shuddered. "That's the pro- blarrgh." England was cut off as mini-Australia suddenly wrapped his arms around England's neck and started hugging him.
"ENGLAAAND!" Practically sang Australia. "OH I'VE MISSED YOU SOO MUCH! So where have you been? Who have you been seeing? France hasn't been making you cry again right?"
"The problem is that when this happens it isn't just the body that's reduced to a child, it's mind as well, and when Australia was younger he- arghhh!" Australia tightened his hold on England's neck, smiling happily.
"He was an obsessive stalker?" I finished for him.
England agreed with his eyes, or pleaded for help, I couldn't really tell which.
I looked up at Australia and sighed. "Hello, I don't know if you remember me-"
"Of course I don't remember you little white albino boy." Said Australia. I've never met you before, why are you here? Have you come to take away England? You're not taking away England." He tightened his grip even further, thus resulting in cutting off England's air supply.
"Err, no of course not."I reassured him. "It's just that you're kind of killing of him there-"
"Of yes England does very much enjoy my hugs, he said so himself, the tighter the better!" Australia smiled happily and proceeded to show make his hug even better.
"'Can't... breathe..." his England's hissing voice.
"Oh yes, the tighter the better!" Said Australia with a happy smile.
"... Yes, exactly. But if you don't let go of England he's going to die a slow and painful death-"
"If I let go of England he'll die a slow and painful death!?" Gasped Australia. "Then I'll never let go ever again, we'll be together forever!"
"... You just ignore everything you don't want to hear don't you?"
Australia just kept on smiling. I sighed and mentally trashed plan B and moved onto to plan C. Plan C was especially good for England as a side effect meant he would be able to breath again.
"Okay Australia, you see those people over there," I pointed to the Jam-cult.
Australia frowned. "The weird ones with the Jam all over their clothes?"
"That's them, they're not letting us go, but I have idea that might let us off the hook, but in order for that idea to work you have to let go of England for a while."
Australia considered it. "... Will I be able to hug him later?"
I nodded. "Absolutely."
England's eyes screamed traitor at me.
Australia frowned and slowly loosened his hold on England. England gasped and started sucking down air like camel would water. "Air, precious sweet air, oh how I've missed you..."
"Yes, yes you love air. Now to the more important matter of how I intend to get rid of the Jam-cult..."
*****
A few minutes later England was unceremoniously booted out of the hiding spot holding a jar of Jam.
"I must say your bush skills were invaluable here Australia," I laughed to myself. "Without you thee would be no way we could have found the ingredients for the Jam."
Australia frowned, looking forlornly toward England. "Didn't England just transmute everything he needed?"
"Well yes, but at least you tried." I patted him on the shoulder.
England slowly walked up the Jam cult, Jam jar in hand. "Er, hello there, it's me, England. I want to make a deal."
Russia smiled. "Oh, do you want to become one with Russia?"
England shuddered. "Er, no thanks old boy, instead I've come to offer you this jar of Jam in exchange for our freedom, what do you say chaps?"
Russia and BB turned to each other, seemed to have a telepathic conversation with one another and turned back to England. "How about we take the Jam and squish the rest of you anyway, da?"
England frowned. "Er, no thanks-'
Russia continued smiling, "I'm afraid 'no' is not an option. You'll become one with Russia now!"
England backed. "What no I- arghh, let me go you commie B%$#&$!"
The next few minutes consisted of various M-rated material so I'll just skip over it. Anyhow after BB and Co were done with England they turned to the Jam jar.
"AH! ENGLAND HAS MDE AN OFFERING OF JAM!"
"It would be impolite not to eat it." Said Russia with a smile.
"LET US ALL PARTAKE IN THE JAM!" Said the J.A.M.
"EXCELLENT!"And with that BB pulled out a loaf of bread and a knife from somewhere behind his back and started spreading the Jam on slices, both sides.
"HAVE ALL A SLICE OF BREAD WITH THE MOST HOLY JAM!?" Asked BB once he was one.
"YES!" Shouted the J.A.M.
"Da," said Russia, holding a Jam-coated slice.
"THEN LET US EAT!" And the Jam cult began eating as one.
Exactly 0.00001 seconds later they were all on the floor, clutching at their stomachs in agony.
"Apparently even Jam-fanaticism cannot withstand the power of England's cooking." said I happily.
"Damn you Near," hissed England from his position on the ground. "I knew you letting me make the Jam had to be some sort of plot!"
"Oh well, alls well that ends well-"
"What do you mean 'alls well that ends well', I'm a bloody mess on the floor-"
"Oh look Australia you can have England again!"
"ENGLAAAAND!"
"OH F%$- huurk."
"JAM, WHY?" Sobbed BB. "WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED MEEEE?"
"Russia will not tolerate this evil Jam, even if it does have such a pleasing red colour." Said Russia in a state of slow death.
"We will never forgive you Jam." hissed the J.A.M.
"My heart bleeds for you," said I flatly to the pitiful form on the ground. "Australia, England, come one, let's get going before Fate finds some way to screw with us some more."
And that ladies and gentlemen was how I defeated the Jam cult. Right now we're heading for the nearest city, hopefully there we can find some food that isn't 'bush-tucker' or England's cooking because one makes me sick and the other makes me dead.
The Score: Near: 21 Fate: 34
29th of February
Somewhere in the Australian outback
Heading towards civilisation
Nate Rivers
Author's Note: Australia actually really was infatuated with England in the early twentieth century, seriously most Australians considered themselves dual citizens with the UK. Oh and one more thing: how come no one review any more? I keep getting less and less... and you know how it works, you review I write. Thus the more you review the more I write, so if you want me to write more you know what to do!