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Saving Grace

Chapter Thirty-Six: Amor Vincit Omnia

Bobby's House, Panic Room

Dean glanced up as the door opened slowly, and raised his eyebrows at the sight of his sister, a little surprised. He hadn't expected to see her for a while, not after everything that he had said to her that day. Honestly, he wouldn't have blamed her for not speaking to him again. She remained on the other side of the door, as though apprehensive. She didn't step inside, she didn't even speak to him, she just stood there, as if she was mentally debating whether or not she could go through with it. There was a look on her face that gave away the fact she really didn't want to be there, after their fight he couldn't understand why she even was there. But a few seconds passed and she seemed to make a decision. She stepped inside and offered him the smallest, weakest smile he had ever seen. But it was still there. It might have been there out of guilt, or discomfort, but it was still there. That was what mattered. He still knew that it was more than he deserved from her.

Dean cleared his throat, it was apparent she wasn't going to be the first to speak, and gave a small shrug. "You're not gonna hit me again, are you?" he quipped, making some lame attempt to lighten the tension between them, but he knew that she wasn't about to let him off that easily, he didn't expect her to. He didn't want her to.

"No," she replied simply. "I'm not gonna hit you again." She glanced up at him, expectant. "Are you gonna hit me?"

Dean shook his head slowly. He wasn't mad anymore, at least, not at her. "You should've told me about Crowley, kid." he told her, his voice was calm, there was no sign of any annoyance, there was just concern. "He isn't a guy that you can trust." And that was it now, that was the only thing he was going to say on the matter, he wasn't going to carry it on, because they had bigger things to worry about. It was done, it was over, it was in the past, they had to move on. He'd had long enough to think about it while he sat in the panic room and stared at the walls. He couldn't judge her for a decision he knew he would have made himself had he been in her shoes.

Haley nodded in agreement. "I know that, Dean. I do. But I knew what I was doing there." She looked up to face him, somewhat accusing, and raised an eyebrow. "Question is, what are you doing?" Her voice was low, she didn't sound far from breaking down.

Dean simply raised a brow at her, confused. "Excuse me?" He could see that what she was doing, her being there, it was a last resort, like she was ready to give it all up herself. There was no confidence or emotion in her words anymore, it was all just pure exhaustion. And that worried him. It didn't shock him, but it worried him all the same.

After a moment, Haley seemed to find her voice again and straightened herself up a little, composing herself. "I said, what are you doing?" she repeated, a little more forcefully, finding some purpose in her words. But he didn't appear to know the answer to her question, and so he remained silent. "You know something, I've tried, Dean, I've tried and I've tried to understand what's going through your head, but," She shook her head. "I just can't. I can't understand what it is you think you're going to achieve by saying yes to him. I don't get it."

Dean sighed deeply, pulling a hand down his face. There were a million and once smartass, sarcastic comments that he could think to make, hundreds of ways that he could start up another argument just to avoid the whole conversation completely, but he didn't want to fight with her. He didn't want to push her away more than he already had, or to screw things up with her the way he had done with everyone else. His eyes left her, he couldn't face her. "I don't have a choice, Haley." he answered, remorseful. "I can't explain it to you, I just don't."

Haley frowned at him. To her, it sounded as though everything he was doing was simply in response to the amount of pressure he had placed on his own shoulders. He didn't sound as though it was what he wanted, at all, not really. It sounded more like he had convinced himself that he needed to do it, and he'd talked himself out of anything different.

"Dean, you keep telling me that I don't understand, you keep saying that we're not listening to you," She gave him a pointed look. "I'm listening. Just, talk to me, tell me why you're so sure that this is the right thing to do, please."

This was what she didn't want to hear. He knew that. This was the point she had been avoiding all along. She hadn't listened to him before because she had been terrified that he would be able to talk her around to his side, and she couldn't take that. Because, for a second, she was afraid that she would understand him, that she would believe him in what he was planning, and she was petrified that she might actually agree with him, like he had been able to do with almost anything he had ever told her. She had never risked it before, but now she was giving him his chance to speak, she truly was desperate. She had tried so hard to keep her faith in him, and he knew that he hadn't made it easy for her, and maybe she had lost it, but, at the end of the day, she was still standing there looking down at him, willing to hear him out.

"Hales, I know what I'm doing, okay?" He pulled a hand down his face, thinking through his words carefully, because the last thing he wanted now was for them to start screaming at each other again, he couldn't face that. Once had been enough. He wanted that to be the first and last time. "You don't need to worry about it. No one, angel or demon or otherwise, would ever get anything from me for free." Haley frowned at that comment, unsure of what he meant. "They're gonna have to make sure of a few things first. Nothing is going to happen to you, alright? I promise, once this is done, you'll be safe. And so will Sam."

Haley gave a long sigh at that, she actually looked torn between wanting to punch him in the face and wanting to burst into tears. She turned away from him for a moment and placed a hand to the door, like she was going to leave him there, but, instead, she closed it slowly, softly, so not to make a sound. He watched her curiously, anticipating her next move. When she became unreadable, the way she was now, he became nervous.

Haley turned back to face him and shook her head slowly at his words. "You think that's what I'm worried about here? Really, Dean? You think that I'm worried about me in all of this?" Dean glanced down, he could see where the conversation was heading and he wasn't sure he could take it, not again. "You know something, Dean, back when we were kids, when dad told us about everything that was out there, I was scared. And, I know that we both pretended like it didn't phase us, maybe you weren't pretending, I don't know, but I was really scared. Of all of it." She crossed the room as she spoke and moved to sit down beside him on the bed. "I loved hunting, I always did, but it always scared me. And back then, I didn't believe in God, or in angels, or in any higher power, you know that. The only thing back then that I could have any faith in, the only thing I could look to for hope was you. And, since I came back to this life, everything's just so different," She paused for a moment and faced him. "But that didn't change, Dean. I still have that faith in you, and, I don't know how, or why, but I do. And I know, deep down, you can't say yes, because I need you here. I can't do this without you."

"Haley," He sighed. "Look, you're a grown up, you're an adult now, you don't need me all the time. You can't rely on me—"

"Oh for the love of god, Dean." She stopped him. "Just, give it a rest, okay? I know what you're doing, and it isn't going to work, on any of us."

Dean raised an eyebrow, a little taken aback by her tone. "What the hell are you talking about now?"

"I know what you said to Bobby, alright? Sam told me." Dean looked down, ashamed. "I know that you called him out on not being your father. I know how you sat Sam down and said to his face that you didn't believe in him, that you didn't think he was strong enough for this. I know you're being a dick to Cas. The way you were screaming at me earlier." She shook her head. "It won't work. You forget sometimes, you know me so well, Dean, but I know you. I know what's going through your head, you're trying to push us all away, you're trying to make us want you to say yes to Michael, like that could ever work. We love you, Dean. All of us."

And that was when he truly knew she was getting desperate. She wouldn't have said something like that unless she was, because she was like him when it came to saying those words, she had to either be dying or she was in serious trouble. Truth was, he hadn't even thought of it like that. Maybe she was right, maybe she really did know him better than he knew himself. He had no idea why he had said the things he had to them that day, it had been like an anger he just couldn't get a grip on, and he hadn't meant any of it. He had been trying to push them all away from him, trying to isolate himself so that maybe they would want him gone, and it was only then, when he had heard it from her, that he realised how truly ridiculous it all sounded.

"Haley, I'm done fighting this." He sighed, he knew that it wasn't what she wanted to hear, but he wasn't going to lie to her, not anymore. She was the one person he had always been able to be honest with, his entire life, it wasn't going to change now. "I'm just done, you know, maybe this is just who I'm supposed to be. All I've ever brought people is pain, and loss, and grief. Maybe this way, I don't know, something good can come out of my life, you know? Like I could do something to make it right, make my life worth something."

That was enough to nearly break her heart in two. "Who you're supposed to be?" she stated slowly, like she couldn't believe those words had actually left his mouth. "Is that what you really think, huh?" She seemed to be turning defensive, the softness had gone from her words. "Do you really think that you're that useless? That you don't matter? That we don't need you?" Dean went to look away from her, but she placed a hand to his cheek, forcing him to face her. "Dean, listen to me, please. You are the strongest person that I know. You've saved my life over and over again, I can't even begin to tell you how much you've done for me, for this family. What do I have to do to make you see that? What do I have to say to make you understand? You can't give up, Dean. Please. I'm begging you here."

Her eyes pleaded with him, and he found it hard to look at her. The desperation and anguish was swimming in her green eyes. "Haley," he tried, his voice cracking a little. "Sis—"

"What happened to my brother? I know that he's still in there somewhere, Dean." He remained silent, his jaw tight, and she watched him closely, figuring that he wasn't going to answer her. In fact, she knew that he wasn't, because he couldn't. Her hand dropped back to her lap, her eyes fixed to the floor. "You know, we used to be this amazing, unbeatable team. You, me and Sammy. It was the three of us against the world. And there was a time when nothing could come between us, there was a time when nothing could have changed that. That's who we're supposed to be, Dean. And, I know that we have our problems, I'm not naive enough to think otherwise, I know we have our fights sometimes, but we always had each other's backs. No matter what. We're still those same kids, we haven't changed."

"But we have," he answered, remorseful. "Those days are long gone, Haley, and you know that."

"No, they're not." she countered. "We've just, I don't know, gotten sidetracked."

Dean scoffed at that. "We sidetracked pretty damn far, then." he muttered.

Haley rested her head in her hands, exasperated. There was just no getting through to him, she didn't understand him. "Let me tell you something, everyone, no matter who they are, everyone will lose their way at some point in their life. Everyone gets to a point where they wake up in the morning and they feel lost, and they don't know what to do. And it's hard, of course it is, but you can get past it, Dean. Believe me."

Dean sighed. She was right, and she knew it. He couldn't remember the last time he had woken up knowing exactly what he was doing. Every morning, the first thoughts in his head were how was he going to stop the apocalypse? How could he stop Zachariah? How could he ensure that his brother and sister were safe? And the one and only conclusion that he had arrived at, over and over, had been to say yes to Michael. He had pushed it down and ignored it, but then there had been a point that he just couldn't pretend anymore. In his head, it all made sense. And that was why he was so sure about it now.

But he refused to bite, because that was the kind of speech that usually managed to get through to him, the one that generally changed his mind, and he wasn't going to let it happen this time. "What do you know?" he retorted, defensive.

"I've been there, Dean." she told him simply. "I've been there where I've woken up and looked at my life and I've known nothing. I felt alone, and scared, and all I could do was blame myself for that. But there is always a way to get past it. There's always a light, Dean. Always. And you can find your way again, you don't need to back out, you can fight it."

"Not this time, Hales." He couldn't see an answer, he couldn't see a way back from this, there was only one thing left to do, and that was to say yes. "I'm done fighting."

"Dean," Haley shifted slightly on the bed so that she was sitting sideways, her legs crossed beneath her, facing him. A soft sigh escaped her, and she was unable to bring her eyes high enough to find his. "I'm gonna tell you something now, okay? And it's something that I have never told anyone before. Which means that you can't tell Sam, you can't tell Cas, and you can't tell Bobby."

Dean frowned at her, but she refused to look at him. Whatever it was, he knew that it was going to be serious. There wasn't a lot of things that she had ever asked him to keep from Sam. In fact, he couldn't remember her ever saying that to him before. "What is it?" he asked, tentative. He wasn't sure that he really wanted to know. It wasn't going to be good, that much he could tell.

Haley took a short breath and looked up to face him, unreadable. "Back when I lived in that other life, things got pretty dark at one point." she admitted, her voice was soft, timid, and she looked as though she was struggling to keep it all together.

He watched her carefully. "You mean with your drug thing?" he asked, curious. It was something that they had never really talked about, something that he had been avoiding bringing up with her ever since she had returned. She had never seemed willing to talk about it, she had said to him that she wanted to leave it all in her past. And he had been more than curious, he had wanted to know everything that had happened to her, he wanted to know everything that she had been through back there, and he had always intended to find out, but he had just never taken the chance. The longer he had left it without asking her, the harder it had gotten to start that conversation. And he never had.

"Kind of." She offered him a small shrug. "I really hit rock bottom there, Dean. And, I mean, I was barely holding on, to anything. It started out fun, we were just messing around, all of us, but things changed pretty fast. And after my boyfriend died, I was just too far gone to come back from it, I was on my own and I couldn't see a way out." Dean stared at her, he had never seen her look so vacant before. He remembered her telling Sam about her boyfriend's death, back when she hadn't known who they were, but she hadn't told them the amount of impact it had clearly had on her. She had told them about the drugs, but they had never known how bad it had really been. "I wanted to end it, Dean. All of it."

Dean blinked, those words took him by surprise. He prayed she didn't mean what he thought she did. "You what?"

"There was a point that it just didn't seem worth the fight anymore. I didn't want to fight it anymore. I was so tired, of everything. Honestly, I just wanted to quit." He noticed the tears shining in her eyes as she thought back. "I was ready to kill myself." She paused and looked down to her lap. "I tried to kill myself."

Dean opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, completely lost for words. The thought that she had been in a place so dark that she hadn't wanted to carry on, and he hadn't been there to help her, it made him feel a little sick. Something like that, suicide, it didn't seem real to him. To think that she had tried it, that she had been on her own unable to think of a reason to keep going, he felt a physical pain in his chest at the thought. It came crashing down on him all at once, it wasn't something that happened to them, they didn't give up, but she had tried to. He couldn't imagine her like that, she had never been the one to get upset or to cry and let things get to her, or so he had thought. An even darker thought came to his mind. What if she had been successful? They would never have gotten her back, they would never have seen her again, none of them would ever have found out what happened that night. She really would have been dead, and they would never have known about her other life. They would never have found her again. And that made him feel even worse.

"So," Dean cleared his throat, he wasn't too sure about whether he should ask, but he needed to know. "If you tried it...how are you...you know..." he trailed off, unable to finish his own sentence.

"Not dead?" He nodded slowly. "I don't know." she answered. "I've never managed to work that one out for myself. I took all of these pills, and I know that I took more than enough to kill me. I remember feeling sick, and I remember how much it hurt, and then I passed out." Her voice was completely void of any feeling or emotion. "And then, next thing I know, I just wake up. I don't know how, or why. I was still there in my apartment, I wasn't ill, I wasn't sick, and, somehow, I kinda felt like there was some hope again, you know?" She shrugged. "And after that, I looked at myself and I thought, who knows, maybe I can save myself here. I checked myself into rehab, and it got better. But, I don't know what happened that night, I don't know how I managed to survive that. I honestly don't."

And then something else clicked in his head, and everything suddenly made so much more sense to him. Haley's heaven. What if she hadn't survived it? She had just said so herself, she had done more than enough to kill herself, so why hadn't she died? Or, had she? Had she died that night and something had brought her back? Ash had been more than certain when they had been up in heaven that she had been there at some point in those twelve years away from them, and he had told them the only way she could've gotten out of there again was if something had pulled her back. She had told Sam she hadn't known what he was talking about, and Dean believed that, they both did. But that would explain it. That night, she had killed herself. And something had saved her. But who? Or what?

But that wasn't a conversation that he wanted to explain to her, not yet. There was something that bothered him more. He swallowed back the emotion, pushing thoughts of her that way from his head. "How come you never told me that?" he asked her softly, he was almost hurt that she hadn't wanted him to know. She had wanted them to think that she had been happy there, and maybe that had only been to spare their feelings.

"I don't know," She shrugged and looked up to him with a small smile. "I guess I didn't want you to think that I was still some stupid teenager who couldn't handle the pressure, or that I'm not responsible enough to be in this life."

His mind thought back to when he had said that to her earlier, and he was utterly regretful of all of it. "Hey, come on, you know that I didn't mean that, right?" There was an apologetic look on his face, and he felt nothing but guilt as he thought about everything else he had said to her. "I didn't mean any of it. And I'm sorry, Hales. You didn't deserve that. I know how responsible you are, hell, you're more responsible than I am half the time." he added lightly. "Even back when we were kids, I always felt like you were the one who looked after me, not the other way around. I mean, you got me out of all kinds of trouble when we were teenagers."

"Hm," Haley gave a thoughtful laugh. "But most of the time it was probably me that had gotten you into the mess in the first place."

Dean chuckled. "Yeah," he smirked down at her as he thought back to the simpler times. "We were one hell of a team, weren't we?"

Haley nodded slowly. "Look, I know you're probably tired of listening to this, but let me just say one more thing. I need you to understand, you're not on your own." Her words were genuine, and she looked right at him as she spoke. "We'll be okay, we can get through this. I mean, like you said when I came back, what's one little apocalypse to three Winchesters, right?"

Dean smiled at her, genuinely smiled, for the first time that day, maybe even that week. "Thanks, Haley." he said quietly, sincere. "I mean it, I don't know why you always stick by me, but thank you."

Haley nodded at him, and, without another word, she patted his knee and pushed herself to her feet. She crossed the room, ready to leave, but paused in the doorway and turned back to him. "Hey, I'm sorry for, you know, punching you," She cleared her throat and looked down. "Twice."

Dean shook his head. "I'm sorry I taught you to punch so damn hard." he countered, the hint of a smirk gracing his features. "Don't worry about it, I think I might've deserved that."

She decided to ignore that comment and gave a short nod. "Right. I'll see you later, Dean."

With a guilty smile, she pulled the door closed behind herself and left him in there. She released a long, calming breath and composed herself before she looked to the staircase before her. A part of her thought maybe she had gotten through to him, that maybe he would at least sit there and think that maybe what he was doing wasn't the smartest move, but she wasn't sure, all she could do now was hope that he changed his mind. At that point, she really didn't know what he was going to do, or how they could help him, but she wished that she did.

Haley had only taken a couple of steps away from the panic room when she came to an abrupt stop. There was a familiar sound behind her; the sound of fluttering wings, and her stomach dropped. She didn't want to turn around to see who it was standing there, because she knew that it had to be an angel, and it definitely wasn't Castiel. Slowly, hesitantly, she turned around. There were two men standing there, small, cruel smiles on their faces as they moved towards her. Before she even had the chance to scream, to yell for Sam or Dean or Cas, they each rested a hand to one of her shoulders.

And then everything went black.

I told you that you'd eventually find out why Haley had a heaven, so there you go;-) Don't worry, you'll find out who saved her life and brought her back, though I'm sure a few of you already have a pretty good guess.

Thank you again for reading, I hope you're still enjoying it. Update coming soon! Winchesters Vs Angels;-))