Bella slipped into the hallway, feeling the tears building in her eyes.
She walked a few feet and stopped, pressing herself against the wall.
She could walk no further. She was too overcome with emotions, a sense of deep hysteria building within her.
What have I done? What did I just do?
She did her best to fight against the panic, but it was like a scream going off in her head, impossible to ignore.
I just ended things with Edward. And I told him I was ending things with Jacob too.
Though she had reached her decision this morning, saying her plan out loud made everything seem so real. She hadn't thought about what she would do after rejecting Edward and Jacob. She had only felt a deep sense that it was the right thing to do.
But now, with her cards on the table, Bella had to think about to do next.
After rejecting both men, she couldn't possibly stay at the Cullen Manor. No, she would have to move somewhere else, find another family to work with.
In all likelihood, she would have to leave Forks, or else the gossip and rumors would follow her.
Bella took a deep breath, feeling the tears pricking her eyes and willing herself not to panic.
Worst of all was the thought of never seeing Edward again. Never touching him again, never kissing him again. Never doing everything else with him; which had been such a certainty with Edward's offer.
She bit back a sob at the thought of it.
Part of her wanted to be pressed up against Edward, every inch of herself touching him. To join with him in that most intimate of ways, to learn every contour of that perfect body.
But she knew that what she was feeling was simply temptation from the Devil, and she could not, would not, give in to it.
Bella looked down at the floor and closed her eyes. She willed her tears to go away, and after a few seconds she felt the sadness lift.
She pressed away from the wall and walked to the stairs, heading down to the kitchen.
Underneath the sadness she felt a deep reservoir of hope. A feeling of resolution, a sense that she had done what was right for herself. And a sense of trust that no matter where she ended up, she would be able to get through it.
Bella walked over to the cutting board, where Angela was chopping some onions.
She picked up a knife and joined her, not saying a word.
"Did you take care of... whatever that was?" Angela asked. She looked a little surprised, and Bella guessed that after how antisocial she had been the past few days, Angela had expected her to head straight for a lonely corner of the room.
Bella nodded. "I did," she said. "It's taken care of."
Bella was surprised by the happiness in her voice, and apparently Angela was too.
Angela looked over at her questioningly, and Bella shot her a large smile.
For the first time in months, Bella felt as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She would talk to Angela about new openings for maids at other houses, and somehow or other she would find a way to tell Jacob. Ultimately, she was doing the right thing.
Even if it was hard.
.
.
Bella hung the last sheet on top of the laundry line. She had been washing clothes all morning, and was glad to be done with it.
Three days had passed since her conversation with Edward. She had kept busy with chores, and was glad for that. It kept her thoughts off of Edward and the sadness in his eyes when she had declined his offer.
Lady Caroline was still staying at the manor, and today she had apparently gone with Edward into town to go shopping. Bella was glad for that: she didn't have to worry about running into them.
Bella brought the dry sheets into the house, folding them and placing them into the linen closet. Just as she placed the last sheet away, Jessica appeared, seemingly out of nowhere.
"After this," Jessica said. "I need you to get some cabbage from the garden."
Bella was a bit surprised. Jessica had rarely, if ever, assigned her some specific kitchen task. She always left the miutae of kitchen operations to Angela.
And besides, Jessica had already told Bella that she wanted her to wash the windows.
"But- what about the windows?"
Jessica rolled her eyes. "Do them after."
Bella nodded, staring at Jessica questioningly for a moment.
"Now go!"
Bella scampered to the kitchen, taken aback by Jessica's strange behavior. How bizarre that Jessica felt getting cabbage was more important than window washing. Lunch was almost ready, and Angela wouldn't start on the dinner service for a couple of hours. Besides, some of the scullery maids had already gotten the days vegetables this morning.
Bella shook her head as she picked up the vegetable basket. It was not up to her to question, but simply to do as told.
She stepped out into the bright midday sunshine. It was about eleven in the morning, meaning the sky was bright blue, with small tufts of cloud floating by in the spring air.
It was such a beautiful day, and she was glad to have the chance to actually be outside, rather than having to watch the outdoors as she soaped up the windows.
The cabbage patch was located the furthest away from the house, about 500 feet to be exact. You had to pass the herb and vegetable gardens before you reached it, meaning it was a bit of a hike.
As she walked, she felt the sun beat down on her face. Spring flowers were just beginning to bloom, and birds chirped merrily in the warm air.
It was the kind of day that made you glad to be alive.
So far, Bella had managed to avoid Jacob. It wasn't hard, since she was usually the one who went to him.
The stablehands were generally not very welcome inside the house, due to their less refined appearances. And they were less likely to gossip or make a big deal about their outings. So Bella and Jacob had discussed it and decided it was best for her to visit him rather than the other way around.
But they usually met every couple of days. Bella knew if she didn't go by soon, Jacob would come to her.
And yet she couldn't bring herself to do it. It was going to be terrible, Bella could tell. She knew Jacob would be upset, probably quite hurt. And she had barely just recovered from turning down Edward. Bella was still haunted by the look of despondency on his face as he had stared out the window. She couldn't imagine repeating that with Jacob.
And part of her questioned whether she should do it at all. She was already 18- in a couple more years she would be an old maid. How many more suitors would she have? Probably not many. Turning Jacob away felt illogical, ridiculous.
And yet at the same time, Bella knew she couldn't marry him. She wasn't in love with him, and a marriage to him would feel like dying a slow death.
Additionally, Bella was sure that all hell would break loose as soon as she told Jacob. The stablehands were sure to spread the news that Bella thought she was "too good" for him. And she was sure that the other maids would take umbrage at her turning down such an eligible bachelor. It was sure to be a mess, one that Bella wasn't quite ready for.
So she was putting it off.
Bella was surprised to see she had reached the cabbage patch. She had been so lost in thought, she had almost walked right past it.
Letting out a sigh, Bella placed her basket on the ground and bent down.
She reached down underneath the closest cabbage head. Nestling into the dirt, she gently pulled it up and away. She brushed off some of the mud that had attached itself to the leaves, and dropped it into the basket.
As she reached for the next head, she heard the sound of someone clearing their throat behind her.
Bella let out a small scream and nearly fell over onto the ground, catching herself with one arm.
She had been so certain of her aloneness, hearing someone else was the last thing she expected.
She whirled around to see the face of her intruder, and was surprised to see Edward standing about fifteen feet away, looking slightly amused.
Bella's eyes widened, and she froze for a second.
Seeing Edward now was like being punched in the gut. She still had the same sensation of nervousness and arousal that made running into him so delicious. But now that feeling was tempered with the sadness of what she had done; with the awareness that he would never be hers and she would never be his: the inevitable impasse that lay between them.
Bella turned back around and rose to her feet, brushing her hands off on her apron.
"I- I didn't see you, your grace," she curtsied.
"I know," Edward laughed. "I was standing right there."
He pointed to a group of trees behind him.
"I saw you walking up, you seemed to be lost in thought."
Bella nodded. She was unsure of what exactly Edward wanted to speak to her about. Hadn't she made things perfectly clear?
"Is there anything I can help you with, your grace?"
She wanted to keep things as strictly professional as possible.
But instead of being taken aback by her words, Edward seemed to find them amusing. His mouth quirked up into a small smile.
"As a matter of fact, there is."
He took a step towards Bella, watching her.
With his movement, she nervously crossed her arms, unconsciously wanting some kind of barrier between them.
"You see, there's something that I need very badly. Something no one has been able to procure for me. And I think you might be able to."
"Oh, and what might that be?" Bella was trying to sound strong, but her voice sounded shaky and nervous even to her own ears.
"A companion. Someone to spend my life with."
Bella felt a blush spread over her cheeks at his words.
She looked away, not daring to make eye contact. It had been hard enough to turn him down once; she couldnt believe he was making her do it again.
"Your grace, I thought I told you, I cannot take your offer. I beg of you to leave me be-"
"I'm not talking about a mistress, Bella."
Edward began to walk towards her, watching her with a look of delighted anticipation.
"What I need is a wife."
Bella turned to shoot Edward a wary look. Part of her brain felt as though Edward were directing this inquiry at her; but another part rejected that. A large part resented him for bringing this issue to her attention; for taunting her with something she could never have.
Bella felt something burn inside her at the mention of "wife". This issue, the role she could never have, was what prevented them from being together. It was illegal for Edward to marry her; therefore he could only be asking her to assist him in finding him one. The sheer cruelty of his request hit Bella like a sack of coals, and she struggled to keep the anger from her voice.
"Sir, if you are asking me to find you a wife, I fear this goes beyond my capacities."
Edward simply continued to walk calmly towards her, wearing the same look of nonplussed amusement.
Bella felt the anger leap inside of her, turning into resentment at Edward's cruelty. "Have you no consideration for my feelings?"
Edward looked amused. He shook his head and laughed lightly.
"Bella, I'm not asking you to find me a wife."
He finally stopped walking, standing just a couple feet away from Bella. He looked down at the ground, then back up, and Bella was able to see a hint of nervousness behind the cheerfulness.
"I am asking you to be my wife."
She stared at him, her brow furrowing in confusion.
"I want you to be my wife."
Bella pursed her lips. "Your grace, it is beneath you to act in such a way towards a maid. I rejected your offer, but that is no reason to tease with a future that we both know can never happen."
Edward's gaze didn't leave hers. He stared calmly at her.
"I'm being serious, Bella."
She could barely formulate sentences. She felt a ray of hope spring up inside, but it was instantly squashed by the impossibility of what he was asking.
"Your grace," she fought to keep her voice calm. It was difficult, though, to talk about the matter objectively. Even the mention of marriage to Edward caused a feeling of great longing rise up in her chest, a feeling that burned with the pain of impossibility. "You know as well as I do that that cannot happen. It is illegal."
"It's not illegal, Bella." Edward looked into her eyes intensely, as if hoping to penetrate her fog of disbelief.
"It is if you wish to stay a duke."
"I've already spoken with my lawyers about it, Bella. There is no law preventing me from marrying a commoner, only the threat of judgement from society. If I were a king, it would be different."
Bella stared at him, dumbfounded.
Edward let out a nervous chuckle. "So for the first time in my life I'm grateful for my lowly position."
His small joke fell like a piece of lead. Bella was in no mood for humor; seeing Edward and hearing him mention marriage had reminded her of her aloneness, of the fact that she would never be able to be with him. Neither of them said anything, both aware of the tension of the moment.
Bella shook her head. "I don't- I don't understand."
"I'm asking you," Edward stepped forward, closing the gap between him and Bella to just under a foot. "To be my wife."
"Your wife?" Bella felt as though she had just been told the sky was green. "I don't-".
She felt as though her words had failed her. "There's no way. I- I'm a commoner. It's not legal."
"It is legal," Edward reached forward, grasping Bella's hand, which was laying motionless at her side.
Bella looked over his shoulder, her eyes searching for something, anything, which would remove her from the unreality of this moment.
Perhaps she would see a pink elephant floating in the sky, or the trees would begin to talk. Then she could be sure she was in a dream, wouldn't have to let her hopes up only to find them dashed.
"Bella?"
She heard Edward speak her name out of the haze of her thoughts. Looking at him, Bella felt as though she was taking him in for the first time. He was staring into her eyes with a look of earnest anticipation, as if he wasn't quite sure whether he was about to be rejected.
"Are you serious about this?" she asked finally.
Edward nodded.
He looked contemplative, as if he was debating speaking. Bella stayed silent, not sure how to respond.
"From the moment I met you, I found myself unable to rid you from my mind. You've tormented my dreams, captured my attention- there is no way for me, no sanity for me, except with you, Bella. I have no choice."
Bella stared at Edward, shocked by his words and waiting for his face to break into a mischievous grin. Waiting for him to laugh and announce that it was only a joke.
When he stayed stoic, looking at her with honest intention, Bella realized he was serious.
He had felt it too- the connection between them. The sense of fate, the sense of predestiny. And if Edward was finally going to admit it, Bella realized she herself could deny it no longer.
"I- If you're seriously asking me to marry you," she fixed Edward with a pointed gaze, giving him once last chance to back out. "Then my answer would be yes."
Edward's face broke into a broad smile. He reached down and grabbed Bella's other hand, pulling her against him.
Bella waited for him to kiss her but he simply stared down at her, looking deep into her eyes from only inches away.
Being so close to Edward, seeing his delighted smile, was infectious. After a few seconds, Bella returned it, beaming at him with a goofy grin.
When she smiled, Edward bent down, kissing her fiercely.
She had been expecting a chaste, matrimonial kiss. But Edward had no patience for her closed lips, and he rubbed his tongue against her until she parted them.
Edward explored her mouth deeply, his tongue seeming to lay claim, to take possession of it. To mark it as his own.
After a few seconds, Bella found herself breathless. She returned Edward's movements, but she also recognized the kiss for what it was: a sealing of their agreement to each other, a demonstration of Edward's access to her.
Several seconds passed before Edward finally broke away. But he didn't go far, pressing Bella's head into his chest.
He didn't say anything, and they stood in comfortable silence. Edward had moved his arms around Bella's back, and he simply held her to him.
"I can't believe it," Bella said finally, breaking the quiet.
"I can't either," Edward said.
They stood for a while, holding each other, with Bella's arms wrapped around Edward's lower back.
"Have you told Caroline?" she murmured into his chest.
"Not yet," Edward said.
Bella reared her head back, fixing him with a stern gaze.
"I had to have other options in case you said no," Edward said playfully.
Bella shook her head in mock anger. Though she might have been upset at another time, she was too happy from the engagement, delirious from the proposal.
"And what about Jacob?" Edward asked, his voice becoming suddenly serious. "Have you ended things yet?"
Bella bit her lip and looked away. "Not yet. But I will."
"How about doing it right now?" Edward asked. His voice was mischievous but there was a fearsome undertone to it. "I'd be more than happy to tell him myself."
Bella shot him a playful glare. "No thank you. I think it's better for me to do it alone."
Edward looked as though he were going to argue, then thought better of it. "We can talk about that later."
Bella nodded, and she pressed her head back against Edward's chest.
They stood in silence, and Bella could hear Edward's heart beating through his chest. It was a peaceful sound. Combined with the beauty of the countryside around them, and Edward's confession of feelings, Bella felt as though she could die now and lived a happy life.
Even though things had been resolved, Bella realized now that they faced a new spate of decisions, a new challenge of integrating two very separate lives. Even though the moment was perfect, there were many concerns they would have to deal with before beginning their life together.
"What will we do now?" Bella asked.
"I suppose I'll have to announce it to my family, and the servants of course."
"And then, we'll have to plan... the wedding," she said.
She could scarcely believe what she was saying. It seemed so surreal, like she had entered someone else's life.
Edward nodded.
"There isn't going to be a long engagement, though." He pulled away and looked down at her, shooting her a suggestive glance. "Not unless you wanted to forgo separate sleeping arrangements..."
"Absolutely not," Bella smiled at him.
He looked away, his face looking somewhat disappointed. "I expected as much."
A thought came to Bella, and she chewed her lip for a moment.
"But Edward, can we actually wait a bit to tell the maids?"
Edward looked down at her, a frown etched into his face.
"I just think we owe it to Jacob, and Caroline, I suppose, to tell them in person."
Bella didn't really care either way how Caroline took the news. But she knew that Edward wouldn't agree to anything if it was solely for Jacob's sake.
Edward looked over head to the manor, thinking this over.
After a few moments, he nodded. "That makes sense. But when are you going to tell him?
"I think I'll tell him today, I guess," she said. She pulled out of Edward's arms. "Until then, I suppose I'll just act normally. So no one realizes anything..."
With that she turned around, reaching down to pick up her vegetable basket.
But before she could take it, Edward grabbed her arm.
"Oh no you don't," he said, pulling her to him. "No fiancé of mine is going to pick cabbages."
Bella was surprised when Edward grabbed her, but smiled when she saw the playful intention on his face.
He pulled her into his arms, wrapping them around her back and looking down at her with a smile.
"Oh really?" she asked. "And what shall I do then?"
Edward's eyebrows raised, and he let out a small chuckle. "Oh, I can think of a few things," he whispered.
Bending down, he sealed her to him in a kiss.