Chapter Thirty Six
Emily had arrived to pick JJ up twenty minutes early. She sat in her car drumming her fingers on the steering wheel trying desperately to keep her nerves under control. She assumed this must be how she felt the first time she went on a date with JJ. It was funny that she should be feeling this way especially since they had been a couple for several years. But she guessed this time was different. She was a different person, well at least not the same person she was before.
A knock on the hood of the car brought Emily out of her thoughts with a start and she was met with the sight of a blonde sporting a bubbly smile. Any nerves that Emily might have had faded with the sight of her girlfriend. The blonde didn't wait for her to respond to her as she jumped into the passenger seat and planted a passionate kiss on the brunette's lips. Although she was taken by surprise she wasn't deterred and returned the kiss with the same level of enthusiasm.
When they parted, JJ asked lustfully asked, "So are you going to take me to dinner or did you have other plans in mind?"
Emily coughed trying to come up with a response as she attempted to play off her surprise at the comment. "Well I figured you were hungry, I'm hungry and I wanted to take you to this cool restaurant that I read about so we probably should get going so…"
"Emily it's okay. I would love to check this restaurant. Let's go I am hungry." JJ rubbed her leg trying to help her calm down. She didn't realize her little jab would send her into such a tail spin. It would have been really cute if she wasn't so sexually frustrated even though she was pleased that she could still cause that type of reaction with her.
Taking a visible sigh of relief even though she tried to hide it, Emily started the car and headed toward the restaurant. JJ turned the radio on and flipped the channels until she came to her favorite easy listening station hoping to ease the tension. The mood lightened in the car as the women began to sing along to the songs on the radio. By the time they got to the restaurant their jovial banter had turned to full belly laughter. After the car was parked it took them several minutes to calm down enough to exit the car and walk into the restaurant. They walked in holding hands as they giggled still singing softly in the funny voices they were using in the car.
Once at their table JJ reached across the table and took Emily's hand rubbing her thumb softly across her palm and looking lovingly into her deep brown eyes. "I have so much fun with you, especially when you are not afraid to be silly with me. I love you and I will be silly with you anytime." She brought her hand to her lips and laid a gentle kiss in her palm.
Emily smiled brightly at the declaration. She knew that the women deserved no less than for her to be as honest with her as she could. She didn't know how much she would be able to tell her tonight but she was going to talk to her about some of the things she had not felt brave enough to share with her.
"I love you too. I'm glad that you let me be silly with you. It makes me happy that you found me," Emily softly said.
They stared intensely at each other until they were interrupted by the waiter clearing his throat to get their attention. They ordered their meal and begin to talk about benign topics such as what they were going to do for their weekend date and wondering what was really going on between Reid and Mary. Their conversation continued throughout their meal.
They decided to share a piece of cheesecake with their coffees.
Emily had been silently preparing herself to have the big conversation with Jennifer as they ate their dessert.
Placing her fork on the side of the plate Emily made eye contact with the blonde. "Jennifer, I really meant what I said earlier."
"About what honey?"
"I'm glad that you and Mary set me up to talk to that therapist. I have another appointment to talk to her. I guess there are some things I need to work through. You have been so good to me and I haven't been fair to you."
"Emily, I understand that you have been through so much. I can't imagine having my life wiped away like that. You are so strong."
She lowered her eye and smiled. "You see that's why I love you. But I have caused you to make unfair sacrifices. You have gone out of your way to make sure I'm okay but I…I haven't been fair to you. I've done very little to show you how much I care about you. I'm so sorry Jennifer." Tears began to roll slowly down her cheeks.
Jennifer reached over and wiped her tears away with her finger and gently cupped her cheek. She didn't speak because she knew it was important that Emily say what she needed to say without interruption.
"I do want to have sex with you but I feel…I feel something is missing." She quickly added, "Not from you but me." She didn't want her to think that she was blaming her for anything. "I try but something keeps holding me back. There is something I should know but it's just not there. I feel…hell I don't know what I feel. I know this sounds like just another excuse. I'm sorry." She dropped her head unable to look at her any longer.
Taking her hand, Jennifer tried to gently coax her to continue. "Tell me what you think is missing, sweetie."
"I…I don't…" Emily nervously looked around the room and then her head dropped as she fell silent looking at her hands in her lap.
JJ signaled for the waiter to bring over their check. She paid the bill without the brunette ever noticing what was happening. Emily was jarred from her thoughts when she felt someone standing by her side taking her hand.
"Come on sweetie, let's take a walk and go somewhere where we can talk in private." The other woman looked up and allowed herself to be led out of the restaurant. A new sense of guilt enveloped her for ruining their evening.
Even though it was a warm evening the streets were not crowded. JJ took her hand and walked toward the nearby park taking advantage of quiet.
"Where are we going, Jennifer? I'm sorry I ruined our dinner."
"Emily stop apologizing for things that are not your fault. I just thought you would feel more comfortable talking away from a room full of prying eyes. Let's go sit on the swings. We can talk or just sit there for a while. Okay?"
Emily nodded her head in agreement as they walked to the playground located in the center of the park. Most parents had taken their children home so the playground was pretty deserted except for those few straggling youth wondering through the park. They each took a swing and slowly pushed back on the ground beneath them start their swings in a gentle sway to and fro.
After several minutes of silence, JJ broke the quiet that had settled between them. "Thank you for taking me to dinner. We'll have to go back there again sometime. The food was really good." She didn't expect a reply but she wanted to try to calm the tension and not put any pressure on her to talk if she didn't want to.
Emily held out her hand as if signaling that she wanted to hold the woman's hand but did not try to touch Jennifer. In fact she was not even looking at her. It was more about trying to create an invisible link between them as worked to gain the courage to finish what she started in the restaurant. It took a couple of minutes for JJ to notice her hand hanging in the air close to her but not touching her. She also realized the woman was not looking at her but staring out into the park. She did not take it but just looked at her waiting for her to speak knowing it was important for Emily to make the next step.
Not seeing JJ looking at her, Emily quietly asked, "Can I hold your hand?"
The response came in the tender warm touch as a soft hand grasp the out stretched hand. The two clinging hands hung between them slowly swaying in sync to the swaying of their swings.
After several minutes of contented quiet, Emily took a deep breath before she spoke. "There are still times when I think it would be easier if you had never found me but then there are times like now that there isn't any place I would ever want to be but here with you. I love you I do remember that but…"
"Tell me what you are afraid of honey. Tell me so I can help you get through whatever is going on," JJ softly pleaded.
It was clear that Emily was thinking about the question even though she was quiet. She took a deep breath that was part sob as she turned to look at the woman. "Since I came home and my memory started to return I thought that everything would go back to the way things were before but…but it hasn't. I was so happy that memories of you came back but there are still things that haven't returned."
"Like what?" Although there was a part of JJ that was scared to hear the answer she knew if they were going to heal as a couple she needed to know.
"There are things I don't remember about you. Like your favorite color or your favorite candy or your least favorite food. You haven't corrected any mistakes I've made but I've watched you. You just moved the food around on your plate pretending you were eating it and when I asked you if there was something wrong you said you had a big lunch. How can I trust that I am touching you the right way, kissing you the right way, loving you the right way if I can't remember." Emily released their hands as she dropped her head and wouldn't look at her girlfriend.
JJ got off her swing and knelt down in front the troubled brunette. She took both her hands in one hand and lifted her chin with the other so they could make eye contact. "Sweetheart, would it have made a difference if I told you that I didn't care for that one particular item that you made for dinner that night? There are going to plenty of things that I might not like but I will like it because you made them for me. Do you love me?" Emily nodded her head but didn't say anything. "Good. And to set the record straight, you kiss and touch me just fine. As long as you do those things with love it doesn't matter if it was like you use to do. Besides it will be like being with you for the first time every time we are together. Who wouldn't love to have that experience? Emily I just want to be with you, touch you, kiss you, and love you. We can learn together. The most important thing is that we do it together. Are you willing to try with me?"
Emily took it a deep breath as she gave her a contented small smile. "I think I can try. Maybe talking with Dr. Dean will be a good idea. I guess I still have issues."
"I'm glad you have decided to talk to someone and I will continue to be there for you every step of the way."
"Yeah, she was able to make me see things that I have been trying to hide from myself like even though Monroe didn't physically hurt me I still may have suffered some trauma from my experience with him." Emily gave JJ a serious look before continuing. "There are still things I need to tell you about experience with him but I'm not ready to talk to you about them just yet. I know I have to soon before the trial but I'm still not ready. I hope that's okay with you."
"Emily, I'm not going anywhere and I will be ready to listen when you are ready to talk to me about whatever. Deal?"
"Deal." She leaned forward and gave her a soft kiss on the lip. "Can I give you a push on the swing?"
JJ stood up and pulled Emily up with her as they switched places on the swing. Emily pulled the swing back carefully as far as she could and then released it. She continued the momentum with gentle but firm pushes on her back when the swing began to slow down. She enjoyed watching her blonde hair fly around her face as go forward and then come back to her waiting arms. Emily knew she could watch the joyous expressions on her face all night. She was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen.
Realizing that Emily would continue to push her on the swing all night, she asked her if they could trade positions so she could have fun as well. She stopped the swing slow she could be pushed by her girlfriend. The two women continued to take turns pushing each other and then they competed with each other to see who could go the highest. They joked and laughed both feeling lighter than they have in months.
Emily was sitting in the swing waiting for JJ to push her again. As JJ prepared to push her, Emily reached around and pulled the blonde onto her lap wrapping her arms around her waist. She brought her tightly into her and placed soft kisses along her neck. JJ turned around so she could face her and returned the kisses. JJ leaned into her lips as she let out soft moans and began to kiss Emily lightly on the lips but it quickly turned into a more desperate need for both women to find the connection that had been missing for both of them. As hands and arms furiously moved they lost their balance and fell off the swing onto the ground with JJ landing on top of Emily. They stared wild eyed at each other for a few moments until it sunk in what had happened then they both broke into laugher at their predicament as they lay on top of each other in the sand for several minutes. When their laughter subsided they found themselves staring deeply into each other's eyes. At that moment no words were needed to describe what was so plainly written in their eyes. There was no question for either of them about their mutual love for each other which shown brightly between them.
JJ was the first to speak. "Baby you think we can go home and finish what we started. I think our bed will be a lot more comfortable then the sand. What do you think?"
"As much as I would hate to lose the feel of your body on mine, I think that would be an advisable idea because if we stayed like this any longer we'll run the risk of being arrested for public indecency especially at a children's park and I don't think Hotch would appreciate having to bail us out jail."
They both laughed again as JJ pulled her girlfriend up off the ground. They walked back to their car wrapped tightly in each other's embrace kissing and touching not caring who was looking.
The car ride home was filled with a type of electricity that they couldn't put a label to. It could be identified as sexual tension, nervous energy or pure animal arousal but whatever it was it was thick in the air. JJ was sitting as close to Emily as was legal to do so in a car so they could maintain constant contact with each other.
JJ was excited because she finally felt that she was going to be with her Emily in a real sense after so many months. They had been intimate with each other but it was more like two teens dating going to third base. Although she made a promise to herself to be patient and give her lover all the space she needed, she was more than ready for what she hoped was to come when they got home. Emily was excited as well but she still couldn't control her nervousness about really being with the woman she loved.
JJ was happy that there was no one in the elevator as they rode up to their place because she as soon as the doors closed she pinned Emily to the wall attacking her lips with a kiss charged with wanting, and lust. Her tongue raked over her bottom lip demanding entry until Emily opened her mouth and was rewarded by the taste of her lover. There was a familiar feeling with her tongue exploring her month. It was not a memory but more like the feeling you get when you smell cookies that remind you of the ones your grandmother used to bake comforting and welcoming.
The ding that alerted them that they reached their floor only caused JJ to shift her attention enough to pull Emily with her as she walked backwards toward their door but not enough for her to alter the attention she was giving to the brunette. Their forward movement came to an abrupt halt when JJ felt the doorknob in the center of her back but she didn't stop the furious kissing that she was giving Emily's lips and neck. Somehow Emily had the presence of mind to fish the door keys out of her pocket and awkwardly try to unlock the door. Once she succeeded several moments later, the door opened and caused them both to fall back finding themselves laying on top of each for the second time that evening but still not in their bed.
Laughing, JJ said, "Well it's not the bed but at least we are home."
"That may be true but I rather not do this in view anyone who could be passing in the hallway," Emily said laughing as well as she looked back over her shoulder at the open door that their feet were sticking out of into the hallway.
"We can either kick the door closed or actually move this party to the bedroom," the blonde said in a sultry voice.
Standing up and offering her a hand Emily quickly helped JJ to stand up and she deftly brought her into a strong embrace. She slowly brought her lips to the other's in a slow passionate kiss. As the kiss intensified the two women walked or more or less staggered back to the bedroom bumping into furniture along the way. The need and want of both of them was flowing through the air like a live wire of electricity.
Once they crossed the threshold of their bedroom, Emily began to take her shirt off but was stopped by the hands of her lover.
"Don't do that. I want to do that…slowly, very slowly. You are so beautiful I want to take all of you in," JJ said as she slowly unbuttoned her shirt kissing the exposed skin as she went. She let out soft moans as she relished in the taste and feel of the smooth soft flesh. Once she released her firm breast from the bra JJ lavished each erect nipple with undivided attention causing Emily let out a cry of pleasure as she held the blonde's head running her fingers through her hair while pulling her into her body.
"Oh baby, I've waited so long to have you in my arms like we were before," JJ whispered into her ear as she kissed her cheeks.
As aroused as Emily was, she couldn't help but stiffening at those words. The conversation that she had earlier with the woman in her arms rang so clearly and loudly in her mind. As much as she wanted to make love to her she was having trouble fighting the demons that have been plaguing her.
JJ felt Emily's body tense and her movements slow even though they didn't stop. For a moment she couldn't understand what was happening until she realized what she had said to her. She wondered how she could help Emily understand that it didn't matter to her as long as they were together. She pulled back so she could look directly into her eyes. "Baby…? Will you let me touch you, make love to you? It's been too long and I need to remember every soft and sensual inch of your body." She ran her fingers with feather soft touches over her skin as if she were touching a delicate piece of fine art to emphasize her intentions.
Emily begun to relax with each touch as she felt more and more loved with each gentle touch. JJ maneuvered them onto the bed where the remainders of their clothes were dropped to the floor. The blonde carefully hovered over her as she kissed and trailed her fingers down the bronze body of her lover. The sensation was causing Emily to become so aroused that she rose up to meet each touch as she began to rake her nails softly down her lover's back which elicited excited sounds from the blonde.
The feel of JJ's arousal became very evident as her wetness was rubbed along Emily thigh as she moved her wet center back and forth causing both women to become more excited. Emily was just as wet as JJ discovered as ran a finger along the outside walls of her core and then gently ran the finger coated with her juices over her clit.
Not wanting anything to interrupt this moment especially the demons that her lover was still wrestling with, JJ slowly kissed herself back up her lover's body and seductively whispered in her ear. "Em, baby, let me love you so I can remember what was almost taken from me forever. I want you to know how overjoyed I am that I found."
Not waiting or wanting a response, JJ re-established her previous position between the brunette's legs. She kissed the inside of her thighs as her fingers played in the curly hairs of her sex. Tasting herself as she kissed her way to Emily's center caused JJ to become that much more wet knowing that it was this woman who was causing it.
She licked the outside folds as she continued to stroke her with her fingers. She felt Emily lightly buck with each movement that got closer to her center. Feeling the moans that were echoing throughout her body intensified JJ's resolve to take her lover to heights that they used to reach in the past. Running her tongue slowly but with purpose over her clit she slid in one finger then two fingers into her opening hearing a loud gasp of pleasure as she did so. Pumping steadily Emily matched the rhythm as she moved her hips with every thrust. Feeling the movement of Emily's hips quicken JJ increased the speed and intensity of her thrusts as she alternated between licking and sucking her clit.
Emily's was breathing becoming quick and excited the closer she was coming to her orgasm. JJ smiled as she continued her ministrations wanting to be the one to help her reach that high level of ecstasy. Wanting to see her eyes when she climaxed she lifted her head and said in a husky lust fueled voice, "Look at me baby. I want to see your eyes when you cum."
Emily was only able to give her a half hooded look but JJ could still see the love in her eyes through her arousal. Knowing how closed she was she continued her thrust as she said, "I love you Emily. Cum for me baby."
With that declaration of love, Emily let out loud soulful cry of ecstasy as her body shook in pleasure. She reached blindly trying to find any part of her lover to connect with. JJ didn't mover her fingers as waited until Emily had gone through the apex of her orgasm and then moved back up to kiss and hold her as she rode out remainder of her orgasm.
JJ noticed that there were tear rolling down Emily's face and became concerned. Emily had never cried before when they had made love. She was afraid that she wasn't enough to keep her demons at bay after all.
She kissed the tears away as she softly asked, "Why the tears baby?"
Emily took a deep breath trying to hold back a sob that she was afraid would escape if she answered her right away. She also needed time to formulate the right answer that would convey her true feelings and thoughts. Besides, she had to examine for herself why she was crying.
Pulling the blonde tighter in her embrace and kissing her lovingly on her head, Emily gave her the simplest answer even though it wasn't the full answer but it was the only answer needed for this moment. "The tears are because I'm so happy and I love you."
Jennifer took a contented sigh and said "I love you so much." She gave her a passionate kiss.
The two women were content to fall asleep in each other's arms. JJ finally feeling that she had gotten her Emily back and Emily feeling beginning to feel that maybe she deserved to really love this woman even there were things she still didn't remember.