The Things We Hide
By Akasha Ravensong
Chapter Thirty-Six
"I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us -don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!"
I'm a nobody, who are you, by Emily Dickenson
I stared into the fireplace with a pinch of floo powder in my hands unable to do anything but stare blankly into the empty fireplace. How on earth was this going to work? I wasn't anything special to look at, and I was much younger then Severus. I was far from being his intellectual equal; the man had far too much experience to go with the knowledge he had gained that I could not hope to match simply due to my age. I… I stopped and shook myself. Fear and self-doubt would get me nowhere. I bit my lip and closed my eyes tightly, taking a deep shuddering breath.
How many times had I stopped and lived a little less because of my fears? How many times had I looked into the mirror and allowed what I didn't see and what I did see to keep me from living the way I wanted. Fears of how others would se and think of me had held me back time and time again. Was I going to let that same fear keep me from possible love once more? Did I dare to control my fears and live my own life for my own sake? Even more importantly, did I dare to let my fear control me once again?
Once you stop and let yourself doubt, even once, it can be habit forming. Allowing yourself to stop living your life for you and giving in to what others want for you starts a pattern if you are not careful. If you are a naturally shy person this makes it even harder to speak up for yourself. Habits are taught. Ways of life are taught. My parents had never been ones to encourage me into developing my own opinions. In fact, it was hammered into me over and over again that I did not know what was best for me and that I did not know what I wanted and that my opinion mattered very little in life, if at all. That was the way I grew up, and as a shy and emotionally abused child it didn't take much for me to accept it when the other children at school reinforced those beliefs.
I had changed my appearance for myself, to make a stand on who and what I was and to help to prove to myself that I could. I changed my appearance knowing that how you appear and how you dress can affect how you act and your attitude. Even something so simple as the large but thin hoop earrings that had almost become a signature of my appearance contributed to the "attitude" described by my appearance. Appearances, however, are easily altered. Habits are much harder to break, but I would not allow them to control me any longer.
Feigning courage, I threw the Floo powder into the fireplace and shouted my destination. I stepped in with the grim determination that my fear would not rule my life any longer. I only hoped that it truly was courage pushing me forward, and not a complete lack of common sense and self-preservation.
The aroma of good food was overwhelming when I walked back into Severus' quarters. Severus was already sitting at the table taking in my appearance with hungry eyes while he waited for me. Smiling almost shyly I sat down across from him, wanting to avoid his eyes but unable to. It was like a drug, having him look at me that way, and it did wonderful things to his appearance when his smile reached all the way to his eyes.
"I'm afraid you'll have to indulge me, Hermione," he said with a knee-melting smile, "I told you that I would have lunch waiting for you, but I'm afraid that I decided I would rather have breakfast fare instead."
He opened the tray to reveal two trays with thick and delicious looking waffles with an assortment of berries covered in whipped cream. There were also eggs, hash browns, and thick strips of bacon. My mouth watered just looking at it.
"I do believe, that I can live with this."
He simply laughed at the enraptured expression on my face. Needless to say, our brunch was rather silent...
Hours later I shifted uncomfortable in my seat; we still hadn't talked. Glancing at the clock I saw that it was nearing six o'clock, and we both needed to make an appearance in the great hall for our evening meal. I knew that Ginny would be dying for me to dish, and if I didn't show up for another meal she would also be worried.
"Severus" "Hermione"
We looked at each other and laughed nervously, having both spoken at the same time. I sighed deeply, and he smiled half-heartedly.
"We need to talk, Severus."
"Indeed we do Hermione."
I stood up and walked over to where he was pacing in front of the fire, and wrapped my arms around his waist and was grateful to feel his arms pull me close to him. I snuggled into his chest as much as I could. His touch comforted me; he enabled me to find peace from somewhere deep inside myself and embrace it. I didn't want to loose that feeling but I also knew that it could become addictive.
"What are we going to do Severus?" I asked softly, barely speaking above a whisper. "I'm still your student and that makes this wrong, no matter how much either of us may want it."
"I know, my Hermione, believe me I know." He sighed deeply and buried his face in my hair. "I don't want your image to be tainted if word of this were to get out."
"I hate to say this Severus, but I think we should remain just friends until I graduate this spring. It's not that far away… I couldn't give up being able to hold you, but I could be content with that and no more. It's not just your kisses that make me care for you, but your company as well."
"You are right, and that was what I was going to say as well, but I was unsure of how you would take the idea."
"You know that I'm an intelligent woman, Severus, or at least I would hope that you did. I also care too much for you to allow whatever could and is between us to ruin your career as well."
I looked up into his face, smiling softly, only to have his mouth capture mine in a sweet and lingering kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung to him.
"I wouldn't object to that once and a while, though." I said with a laugh as I toyed with his hair.
"I should hope not."
The clock chimed. With a groan I stepped back. "I should probably go back up to my chambers through the floo and head to dinner from there. I wouldn't want any tongues to start wagging."
"That would be best."
He didn't try to touch me again as I left, though we both wanted to embrace once more. Both of us knew that if he touched me, I would not leave for quite some time yet and we would be dining by ourselves in his quarters again. Determined to leave, I turned around and stepped into the fireplace.
"About time you got back, I was starting to worry about you."
I groaned. I had forgotten that I had given Ginny access to my chambers. I would have to remember that.
"Don't give me that… So dish already woman! What the hell happened last night! Did you bang him?"
"Ginny!" I gaped, surprised by her bluntness. Usually she managed more tact.
"Well that's a no. Good. I was afraid that you would. And as happy as I am for you and can tell that Professor Snape is good to you, I didn't not want to think about the snarky potions master that I know snogging and shagging my best friend." She shuddered dramatically. "No, seriously though, Hermione, I just don't want this to go to fast. He is still your teacher. It will be hard enough on the two of you if you start dating after you leave school you know that. If it were to get out that something other then a teacher-student relationship was going on between the two of you while you were still a student it would be disastrous."
"I know Ginny, that's why we've decided to backpedal things a bit. Neither of us wants to risk that for the other, or for ourselves."
"Good girl. Always knew you were a smart one. Glad to see that you haven't proved me wrong with this."
"Ginny, you're lucky I love you, because if I didn't one of these days I might seriously contemplate your untimely death…"
"I'm lucky? Bloody hell, who else would put up with you, you insufferable know it all bitch?"
"Bite me."
"Any preference as to where?"
"Please, we wouldn't want Draco to get jealous. Better keep it G rated."
"Come on, he'd probably get out the damn popcorn himself and enjoy the show if we let him."
"Men!" we said in unison, both of our tones absolutely disgusted.
Continuing to berate each other, we laughed as we walked down to dinner.
Both of us studiously ignored the Gryffindor table when we arrived in the Great Hall and went directly over to sit with the Slytherins. Despite Ronald's accusations and behavior, most of our housemates seemed to see us as the traitors for talking to the Slytherins. Since our next Quidditch match was against Slytherin this was going to make things very interesting for Ginny. No matter how good Ginny did during the game, they would probably accuse her of not doing as good as she could for the team. Ron and Harry were nowhere to be seen and several Gryffindors could be seen glaring in our general direction.
It amazed me for all that the Gryffindor's considered Slytherins as being treacherous and manipulative, it was the Gryffindor's themselves who had the tendency to turn on members on their own house. They may have different understandings of the word honor then others, but the Slytherins held themselves to that code with a strictness that had surprised me. Once the Slytherins decided that you were one of their own, they protected you and looked out for you for all that they were worth regardless of circumstances. They also had more tact then Ron and Harry could ever hope to possess or hope to understand.
"So Hermione," drawled Draco, "where exactly have you been since the Masque"
"Forget what Hermione was doing, Draco, what the rest of us want to know is where you and Ginny were, and if you were together. We had wondered if the three of you were off doing something, or each other, but you just answered that little question by not asking Ginny what she was up to." Said Blaise curiously.
"Thanks, Blaise, I'll remember that." I said sticking my tongue out at him. "Forget Hermione indeed! Still, I remember a certain somebody asking me where I was, but not dishing her little indiscretions to me!"
By now everyone within hearing distance was quietly waiting for an answer, watching Ginny and Draco. Curiously, neither or them were blushing although they did look a bit sheepish at being caught.
"Yes, we were together," said Ginny, "But no we weren't doing that! We both decided that we were better off hiding out in Draco's quarters, which are very large, as you know, and avoiding the rest of my house. You know how those prats can get. I did not want Lavender or Parvati hunting me down for the "gruesome" details, or anyone waving their wands over me attempting to detect some non-existent spell."
"Honestly, don't look so disappointed that the details aren't juicier, Blaise." Draco laughed.
"Aww, but Drakey, you know I had to make sure the path was clear for me. I've harbored secret feelings for you for a long time now and I wanted to make sure I hadn't lost you to some woman." Blaise lunged at Draco, wrapped his arms tightly around Draco's neck, and batted his eyes like a lovesick idiot. "I couldn't keep it to myself any longer, say you'll be mine?"
Ginny just smirked while Draco tried desperately to disentangle himself from Blaise with a disgusted expression across his face. "I don't know if I can compete with that Draco," she said with a pout. "Blaise is just so devoted!"
"In case you were wondering, that's me in the corner over there, hurling. Blaise, don't make me hurt you. Ginny…" Draco leaned over and grabbed Ginny in a passionate kiss while the rest of the table whistled and cheered.
Then we all burst into laughter as a few rather disgusted Gryffindors walked by the table and into the wall. Life was definitely going to get very interesting very quickly. Especially when Ron and Harry were released from the Hospital ward. I watched Ginny and Draco almost enviously, as much as their families would give them a hard time, they at least could openly be a couple. I couldn't wait for the day when I was given that same choice.
Ginny swore furiously, very shortly she was going to bat-bogey hex somebody into oblivion if not worse! Every bloody female student outside of Slytheirn was absolutely positive that she and Draco were shagging, despite her denials, and wanted all the gruesome details. On top of that they were disgusted that she didn't have anything she wanted to share with any of the stupid bints.
Lavender and Parvati had decided that she just didn't want to share the details and decided it was their responsibility to spread tales about her to anyone who would listen. Gods help them if either of those two came within her line of sight; they were going to be cursed one way or another she just hadn't decided with what yet. If they were able to walk away from her when she was done with them it would be a bloody miracle.
Redheads were notoriously short tempered, and the Weasley family was no exception. Everyone thought she took after her mother in temper, and everyone backed off when her mother let loose. In truth Ginny's temper was more like her father's, he let most things slide and ignored them with ease. When Arthur Weasley finally got peeved enough to let his temper show, it was a cold temper that frightened his children into instant obedience. On his daughter, that temper was even more lethal. The sweeter Ginny smiled, the higher the body count was apt to get.
She looked perfectly sweet and innocent at the moment, with a nice smile plastered on her face. She couldn't wait until lunch… Somebody was going to get it and she was going to enjoy it. A lot.
Laughing, I turned around and watched Ginny enter the Great Hall. "Blaise, I'll have to talk to you later, right now I've got to get Ginny away from people. Fast."
"Why. What's going on? She looks happy. Hell, she looks like she's had a damn cheering charm cast on her."
"Ya… That's the 'I'm so pissed off I'm that if you breath in my direction the wrong way your going to need a body bag' look." I said as I picked up my bags. "As fun as that could be, we're already in enough trouble right now without starting more."
"Oh. Yea I suppose your right but if you decide it's worth the risk I can point out a few people for you."
"I've got my own list thanks…" I laughed.
I half ran across the great hall and grabbed Ginny's wand hand just in time as she closed in on the Gryffindor table and dragged her from the Great Hall.
"Hermione, you ruin all the fun. " Ginny pouted when we got back up to my chambers and were eating our lunch.
"As much fun as it would have been to watch you humiliate somebody in Gryffindor I thought perhaps you wanted to be able to enjoy a month or so of your life without spending every spare minute of your time with Filch in detention."
She shrugged her shoulders. "I suppose you have a point. "But only just barely..."
"So what's up?"
"Have you heard any of the latest rumors circulating since the Masque?"
"No. I'm sure there are plenty though. Lets see… I'm sure there are several about how I've been corrupted and now they're the Slytherins are trying to corrupt you for their own secret plans because even though Voldemort has been defeated they will always be sinister people. Oh and how many people have assumed you've been seduced and become a whore thanks to Draco? Did I miss any?"
"You forgot that I had Quidditch practice early this morning and that the entire Gryffindor team is giving me the silent treatment convinced that I'll try to loose the game so that Draco can catch the snitch and are assuming I'm in league with them since Harry is the Seeker and Ron is the Keeper."
"Ahh, yes, I had forgotten about quidditch." Ginny looked aghast at my statement. "Well you know I don't like brooms! What did you expect?"
"Same old Hermione despite everything. It's nice to know that some things never change even though others will never be the same again."
"Glad to be of service."
She laughed. "So, are you going to help me get back at Lavender and Parvati for spreading rumors about my supposed sex life with Draco?"
"Sounds fun… How about we…."
Author's Notes
Happy New Year!
Hope everyone has a safe and Happy Holiday and that your life is if not good, not as bad as it could get!
Love and Light, and Goddess bless
Raven Lynne
PLEASE READ AND REVIEW
I'll try to be better at updating and am trying to wrap this story up!