Sometimes he worries me, like the days when he was getting really bad with his ego and messing around with demons and contracts. He once told me back in those days where I was dumb and doped up enough to find his antics fascinating or just plain cool, he had told me his soul was worth more than most due to how many deals he had made and everything he had done for Hell. Never believed him much, as far as I know he doesn't mess with it as much these days. He seems more settled, but he's still got his bad sides. He's still drunk most times, he's hanging around these guys he met in jail and a few other people I ask him about when I get the chance. The answers are always short, basically him silently telling me to shut my face and mind my business, but minus the rude part of that. I asked Russ if he knew anything, he knows about as much as I do; he said we all got our problems and our secrets anymore.

He's right.

Noodle has things about her I still don't know about, she's still keeping something from us about the whole child army thing.

Russel keeps secret about exactly what happened with Del and everything else, I know he goes to therapy, has real bad nightmares, and is on a lot of medication for depression and panic attacks.

I know Murdoc is keeping things from me, but that one isn't really new now is it?

I guess I feel less connected to my friends, to my boyfriend; remember back when the band started? Hell even when it was just the two of us, it was so nice; everything was so fucking simple.

Last night I read through my first journal it actually made me cry reading over all of the old memories. Back to when we were a bit younger and things were really simple and nobody had tons of secrets and nobody was sad.

Murdoc walked in and saw me crying, I thought he'd call me an idiot or a girl like he usually does, but he didn't. He took the book from me and put it to the side then pulled me onto his lap and held me. I remember the times I've seen him break down, how nice it was to hold him to keep him stable; it's nice to have him hold me. I got shivers when I felt his breath against my skin, his voice was so soft and calming...He can be so many different people at any given moment; he can be so gentle and sweet with me, he can be so fucking distant and quiet, he can be greedy and manipulative, and he can be a brute drunk. He can be so many different people and yeah that scares me, because I wait for him to be one of the bad ones; I wait to wake up to him not wanting me anymore, to hating my sodding guts and calling me names like he did when the band had broken up. I wait for him to hit me or throw something at my head like he used to do when he'd get mad at anyone or anything.

He still gets mad, I'd be worried if he didn't still get mad. He takes it out other ways though, mostly at the people and things that are making him mad; sometimes if there's nobody to take it out on he just drinks. I'll see him get pissed and when he looks at me I just flinch cause I expect him to attack me, I think it hurts him a bit to see me flinch. He ruffle my hair then get a bottle of booze; weird isn't it?

I know he never hurt any of the birds he'd date or shag, but I keep waiting for him to treat me badly. He hasn't, he hasn't shown his bad side to me lately; the others find it odd and I still swear to god that they know we've got something going on.

I'm thinking about telling mom God how pissed she'll be; she'll think I'm bloody mad...I haven't talked to my parents for ages, I miss them.

Oh tour starts soon, it'll be fun to get out of Kong for awhile and see places I haven't seen for awhile. Plus that means maybe more time with Muds; like sharing a room like we did last time we toured and more places we can just blend into and...I kind of wish we didn't have to hide.

Like if we're in the living room and no one is around he'll kiss me or hold my hand, but the second someone comes in he moves away from me and he sort of looks ashamed. I wonder if he's ashamed of me or ashamed of himself, I don't know why I don't just talk to him about all of these problems and these thoughts going around my head.

I think of it sometimes, I doubt him; I doubt it so often when he tells me that he's in love with me. It's really hard to believe a devil you know, he's a man but fuck he's got the mind of one of the demons he loves so much. Great liar, great shag, and greatly complicated mind he's got.

I swear most of his traits are bad traits and they're the ones that I love the most.

He used to call me dull, said I was completely boring; I used to think he hated me cause he'd say things like that to me until we started shagging. One moment he'd say I was annoying, dead weight, completely useless but the next we'd be in a dark room all over each other and he'd be telling me I was the greatest thing in his fucking awfully miserable life.

Sort of like now; around others he ignores me, can't hardly look me in the eye, and throws an occasional insult my way just to liven shit up. Then when we're in his room or my room he whispers stuff to me; yeah a lot of it is dirty, like really fucking dirty and I love it, but some of it is so desperate and raw. Like he's scared shitless that I'm just gonna leave, he doesn't wanna lose me, and he loves me. The way he'll touch me and kiss me is like he wants to remember every part of my body because he knows eventually this will end.

Is he going to end this or will I?

I don't want to, does he?

Right now he's out on 'business' which usually means he's with that Manson bloke or one of those creepy guys from jail. I wish he was here right now, I kind of just want to cling onto him. Play the pathetic clingy boyfriend for a little bit; he doesn't seem to mind it too much when I do that, he says it makes him feel needed when I get like that. Not like I do it that often you know before you got and judge or call me girly. Sometimes I think too much, funny for a guy with nearly no thoughts to have so many of them.

I do get scared he'll leave, I probably always will be. I think if other people knew about us I'd feel less shitty about us, less scared and less annoyed with myself. I might tell my mom, she won't care I'm with a guy just not this guy.

I wonder about Murdoc's mom, his birth mom, and his step moms. He's told me bits about his real mom about her being in a mental home and how they had to take him away from her cause she's dangerous. He talks sometimes about his step moms, how some of them were really great, but they always would leave him. They'd say it was for the best and that he'd be okay, tell him they loved him, and he was a good boy.

God you should see just how fucking sad he looks when he talks about those things, how confused he still is about it. He says he doesn't get how someone can tell you they love you and that you're good, but now they're going to leave you with a violent man who might even kill you, but they do love you they just don't want to take you with them.

He cries sometimes when he says that stuff, not much; usually rubs his eyes raw and curses at himself for even thinking about crying. I never say much or tease him about it, I've sworn to him half a dozen times that I'll never leave him.

I don't think I could ever be the one who leaves; not after all the other people who have left him. Fuck can you seriously imagine that? Just leaving a child, leaving them with a guy you know is all screwed up in the head. How could somebody do that?

It's a bit amazing he is still alive, that his dad never did take things too far. I think I love him more knowing there's a chance something could have happened and he could have died all that time ago.

I like feeling protective over him, it's better than clingy. I like holding him and kissing him and promising so many random things to him, I like singing to him until he calms down and falls asleep. He tells me I got the voice of an angel, it's the only heaven like thing he's ever enjoyed in his life.

Maybe he does love me, maybe it isn't a passing phase. I can't wait until he calls or comes back; I'm in his Winnebago right now, Cortez is perched behind me watching me write. He told me the bird is from Hell, wonder if that's true or not. I used to hate the damned thing, but now I don't mind it; pretty little crow and it makes Muds happy...so I guess it isn't too bad.

I hate feeling clingy, but I do kind of just wanna see him right now.