Catching the Flower, Keeping her Near

Chapter 36

Terrified

Lily was up early the next morning, planning to slip off the hospital wing before James was awake. She was incredibly nervous; for the time being her beliefs were merely suspicions, suspicions she didn't really want confirmed. Sure the anxiety was killing her, but she was dwelling in the little hope that she might be making it all up.

She glanced in the mirror as she dressed. She didn't look any different and she certainly didn't feel any different. She smoothed her hands over her flat stomach, trying to imagine another life nestling in there. It seemed… impossible. Not just because she wasn't ready, but it didn't feel like it was true.

She imagined James as a father. He may have grown up this year, but he definitely wasn't ready to become a dad. He was still a child himself. She thought of the marauder's carefree lifestyles. James couldn't possibly want a child to ruin that; the responsibility would be too great. He'd come to hate her. Hate her for forcing that responsibility on him. She couldn't do that to him, to them. She wouldn't have the baby or she'd give it up for adoption.

That made Lily sad, because whether she was ready for it or not, the baby was still hers and James', a product of their vast love. But she couldn't let it destroy what they had. There was too much to loose.

She finished dressing and grabbed her books for the morning. She knew she was stalling when she decided to go for breakfast before she went to see Madame Pomfrey.

Deciding she was ready for the day, though not ready for the things she had to do. She grabbed her book bag and made her way out her room and into the common room, hoping that James had woken alone and would come to stop her from going to Madame Pomfrey on her own. The common room was empty.

Lily supposed this was just the start. She hoped their baby wouldn't distance them from one another. But she really didn't like the way things felt at the moment. Under his secure, sure love for her, she was certain he was hiding all the fear for the things in their lifes presently.

She padded almost silently across the floor and for a second wished that her footsteps were louder, that they'd wake James. She felt herself torn in two. She didn't want James there, right?

She saw two futures. One where she sat alone, crying as she realised she'd have to share everything with him. That she'd have to break the news to him. Or she saw him trying to comfort her, but the smile he wore was all wrong. It didn't reach his eyes. It wasn't the beautiful, cocky, carefree smile that belonged to James Potter.

She couldn't make him a part of this. It wasn't fair. It was up to her now. Lily hurried out of the portrait, trying to hold back the tears that wanted to flood out.

Alice was standing outside the portrait, waiting for her, with her back leaning against the stone wall. Lily tried to cover her forlorn look with a smile, but it barely brushed her cheeks. Alice came and put her arms about the redhead and Lily knew she was wondering if she was going to cry.

"I'm okay," Lily said, the words steady though she didn't really feel them.

"Bullshit, Lils," Alice told her. "Cry. It'll do you good."

"No, I can't… I-I just can't," Lily insisted, as Alice's arms moved around her. "What are you doing here, Al?"

Alice looked confused. "Do you want me to go?" she asked.

"No," Lily shook her head and looked up at her. "Sorry, I'm all mixed up this morning. I didn't really sleep well…"

"Have you talked to James about this?" Alice asked.

Lily nodded.

"No, Lily, I mean really talked to him? I know he knows, but does he know just how much it's affecting you?" Alice raised an eyebrow as if daring her best friend to sugar coat how terrified she was.

"Umm… I guess not, really. I don't want him to feel he's stuck in this. I mean, if he feels trapped… that I've forced this on him… he'll hate me forever…" Lily said, sobbing slight, tearless sobs.

"James loves you," Alice reminded her. "Now, we're going to see Madame Pomfrey and we're gonna get this sorted. That's why I'm here, Lils. I promised."

"I know, I just thought you wouldn't want to at this time…" Lily explained, her voice hoarse and broken by emotion. "You hate early mornings."

"Yes, but you're more important to me than that, Lils," Alice said seriously. "Are you ready?"

"No, but we should get this sorted now," Lily replied, resigning herself.

They walked quickly down the corridor, Lily hoping that James wouldn't be too upset when he woke up in an empty bed. She imagined waking in his arms and cuddling with him before asking him to accompany her to the nurse. Lily sighed; it did no use to imagine it. Alice was the best person to go with her. Her closest friend, not her other half. Her other half who was just as terrified as her. Or so Lily suspected.

"Can we stop in the toilets?" Lily asked, "I didn't go when I got up because I thought James would wake if I didn't hurry."

"Sure," Alice smiled sympathetically.

When Lily sat on the toilet she was met with a most welcome sight. She gave a very loud, happy sigh and fished for a tampon in her bag.

"Thank Merlin!" she exclaimed happily.

"Lily? Is everything okay?" Alice asked, her voice cautious.

Lily flushed the toilet and went into the bathroom to wash her hands. She had a massive and relieved smile on her face.

"Period," Lily said softly, her eyes dancing.

The two girls released sighs and Lily pulled Alice into a desperate hug.

"Thank Merlin…" Lily repeated quietly.

Eventually, mainly because some other students were floating in and out of the bathroom, Lily released Alice and grabbed her bag.

"Breakfast?" she suggested.

Alice nodded.

The warning bell for the first lesson sounded just as they entered the great hall. They both grabbed slices of toast and Lily wished Alice fun in her first lesson, slightly smug that she and James now had a free period together. And also glad that she'd get to spend it with him rather than in the hospital wing. Once the free period had been used for head student duties, but James had proved there were much more efficient ways of spending their time together.

"See you later," Lily called to Alice, giggling and smiling widely once again.

Sirius was standing at the other end of the Gryffindor table. He had his arms folded over his chest and his mouth was in a thin grimace. He was eyeing Lily with disapproval and possibly… resentment?

Lily walked slowly over to him, wondering if he was okay.

"Sirius?" she asked. "What…?"

"What games are you playing, Evans?" he said coldly. "James gives you everything you could want and spends the perfect night with you and you walk out on him before he even wakes up! What the hell are you playing at?"

"It's none of your business!" Lily snapped defensively.

"It damn well is when you're upsetting my best friend! You were all over him at Christmas because you thought he was sneaking around with someone else. And that wasn't the first time. You're making yourself look hypocritical." His tone made her blood run.

"Sir-" her eyes widened. As if.

"So, what are you up to?" his eyes bore into her. "Do you realise what you do to him? He's so worried about you!"

"I'm doing this for his own good!" Lily told him. "You don't know anything!"

"You're right; I don't know what's going on between you two. Care to enlighten me?" his hands tightened into fists around his broad chest.

"Ask James, I don't think I should be the one who tells you…" Lily said softly. "Where is he? I need to talk to him. Check he hasn't got any ridiculous ideas in that silly head of his."

Sirius sighed, but nodded. "He's out by the lake…Evans, please don't be rash with him… you really are very important to him."

Lily nodded once in response, "see you later, Sirius."

The grass was damp because it was drizzling as Lily all but ran down the slight hill towards the lake. She could see James' figure sat under the beech tree almost immediately, could recognise the strong curve of his back. His head was bowed in the rain, making water run down the inside of his collar. His hair was pasted to his forehead and he played with the grass, picking at it and throwing it into the air.

"Sweetheart, sitting out in the rain is not really a good idea. You'll catch a cold," Lily told him softly. She bent down next to him and placed her hands on his shoulders, dropping a kiss on his left shoulder. It made her hair run against his neck.

James didn't reply, just leant back against her.

"I missed you," he said eventually. "You were gone."

"I'm sorry," she breathed.

"It doesn't even matter…" he said, throwing the grass almost angrily and making her jump slightly. Her breath caught in her throat.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Lily, who'd left her jumper in the common room because of her rush to get out that morning, began to shiver. James caught the movement out of the corner of his eye. He was immediately her protective boyfriend again, moving on from his irritation.

"I don't know about me, but you will definitely catch a cold at this rate," he said. "Let's get you all snuggled up in bed and maybe you can help make up for the fact that I woke up cold and alone this morning."

He helped her up and took her hand in his. Their fingers entwined comfortably together and Lily reached up to kiss him quickly on the lips.

"I think I can manage that whilst quite enjoying it. Let's go!" She tugged at his hand and giggled lightly. James noticed she seemed more alive than she had the last couple of days and smiled to himself, glad to see her happy. James didn't quite get his lonely morning made up for because as soon as Lily's head hit her pillow she fell asleep, unknown to him, due to the stress of the last few days. He didn't really mind though, he got the chance to watch his beautiful girlfriend sleep safely in his arms. But as James watched her, he wondered about events of the last couple of days and the possibility of a child in their lives.

Yay, things finally solved... or are they?? Reviews would be lovely!

With love JLF xoxo