Bonnie Sveen Fan, I'm sure Lily's dad was proud of her too, but he was probably very reserved and felt uncomfortable giving praise, just like his daughter. It is very sad what happened to Lily and she had almost no support. Thank you for your review.
Panicatcasualty123, thank you for your review. I think a lot of people tend to assume the worst with Lily, which makes it even more difficult for her. I think she is always very tough on herself - she wasn't a good mentor to Alicia, but I'm sure she was trying very hard to be the best mentor she possibly could be. It's sad.
BlueSkiesAndInk, thank you for your review. I'm really glad you're enjoying the story. I know the feeling when a story makes your heart hurt - it's really painful but kind of good at the same time! I don't quite like to say I'm glad I made you feel pain, but I'm taking it as a big compliment, so thank you.
Tanith Panic, I was quite shocked when Lofty ignored Lily! She didn't say 'please', but I thought Lofty would let that go for the patient's sake. I was also surprised he didn't realise there was something badly wrong that explained Lily's behaviour, but even the kindest people have the occasional blind spot. Connie and Ethan knew about Lily's dad, but they had other distractions. I think Charlie was the only one who realised what was going on - and by then it was too late. Thank you for your review.
Lily was still fighting tears when she heard someone say her name.
"Lily!"
A moment later, Lily was being cradled in Ethan's arms. "Ethan? What are you doing?"
"I'm so glad you're okay!" said Ethan emotionally. "They said there was an incident and a doctor was involved… I didn't know who it was!"
"It is Alicia," said Lily.
"That's terrible," said Ethan, still holding her tightly. "But I'm so glad you're okay, Lily. If anything had happened to you…"
Lily closed her eyes for a moment. Just for a couple of seconds, she allowed herself to feel Ethan's love. Here was one person who didn't see her as the 'nasty doctor'; who rated her safety even above the new F2's. "Do you know any details?"
"Just that there was an incident involving a doctor and a crowbar." Ethan held her more tightly. "I know it's terrible no matter who is involved, but I was so scared it was you, Lily."
Lily hugged him back. "It's not me, Ethan, I'm fine. And I'm so glad it wasn't you. All I know is that Alicia was involved and-" She cut herself off quickly and lowered her voice. "And presumably, so was the little boy she was looking after at the time."
"Oh no," Ethan groaned softly.
"This could have a detrimental effect on her career," agreed Lily.
Ethan went still. He let go of her, leaving Lily feeling cold. "Is that all you're thinking of? Alicia's career?"
Lily looked at him blankly. "Alicia's career is important to her. Isn't it? It would be terrible if she lost her job because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time."
"Well… yes," said Ethan. "That is true. But I was thinking of Alicia's wellbeing and how distressing it would be to be caught up in something like that – with or without a child. I don't know much about the incident, but I know there are two casualties and they need treatment in Resus. Alicia was the only doctor there, as far as I can make out. It must have been terrifying."
Lily looked up at Ethan in consternation. "I didn't think of that, Ethan!" Her eyes filled with tears.
Ethan put his hands gently on her arms. "Hey, don't cry! It's okay, Lily. You were thinking as a doctor, which is exactly what you should be doing because we do need to do our jobs. I was less professional than you because I didn't know which doctor it was so I panicked and came rushing over here to find you."
"But she probably was frightened," said Lily. "And upset. Ethan, what do I do?"
"Support her," said Ethan.
Lily shook her head. "But I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to make people feel better. My patient's mother asked me why I hadn't made my patient feel better. I thought she meant why hadn't I treated his condition yet. But perhaps what she meant was why hadn't I tried to comfort or reassure him."
"It's difficult to know what she meant without being there," said Ethan, "but there is every chance you were right the first time. A lot of people do come in here expecting instant cures."
"But what about Alicia?" said Lily. "I hope I wouldn't panic in that situation, but she is young and… she isn't very… I mean…"
Ethan's eyes were gentle. "You think perhaps she doesn't yet have the necessary skills and experience to cope alone in a situation like that."
"Yes, that's what I mean," said Lily gratefully.
"Perhaps she doesn't," said Ethan. "I'm not completely sure I would, to be honest. But whether she does or not, the one thing I can be sure of is that when Alicia comes back in here, she's going to be very distressed. She's going to need support from her mentor – and I know you can do it, Lily."
Lily looked at him wonderingly. "How can you know that?"
Ethan's eyes were warm. "I know because of the way you supported me when I was struggling."
"But you're my boyfriend," said Lily.
"And Alicia's your mentee," said Ethan. "One of the best things about this ED is that you never have to cope alone. Especially not when you're new and inexperienced. We're not just individuals working here, Lily. We're a team and when one of us needs support, someone is there."
"Then you look after her!" said Lily. "Please, Ethan."
Ethan shook his head. "I think you need to do this, Lily. You need to believe in yourself and you can't unless you prove to yourself that you can do this. And… um… I think it would be more appropriate coming from another woman."
"But what do I do?" said Lily in a panic. "What do I say? Ethan, I can't do this."
"I believe you can," said Ethan. "I really honestly believe you can."
Lily was shaking. "But what if I can't? What if I make it worse?"
"That's always a risk," said Ethan. "I know I've made things worse in the past. But if you don't try, Lily…"
"No, Ethan, I can't. Not on my own."
"Then I'll go with you," said Ethan. "We'll find Alicia and I'll stay for a little while and guide you. It can't be for long because I have patients to treat, but I'll be there with you for as long as I can."
Lily looked at him in wonder. "How do I deserve you?"
"By being you," said Ethan. He leaned forward and lightly touched his lips to hers. His face remained close to her as he looked into her eyes. "I love you, Lily, and I believe in you. Okay?"
"But will you still love me if I fail?"
"Of course I will!" said Ethan. "As far as our relationship is concerned, Lily, you have nothing to lose because there's nothing you can do that would change my feelings. But as far as Alicia is concerned… you really could make a difference to her."
Lily nodded. "Okay. I'll try. I will try to support her."
Ethan's eyes were full of admiration. "I'm so proud of you, Lily."
His words might have annoyed Lily if she'd thought he was only saying it to make her feel good. But it really felt as though he meant it.
Ethan was proud of her.
It only made Lily more determined to do her best for him; to earn that pride every moment she could.
Ethan took her hand and they walked out of cubicles together. Lily still felt afraid, but she could feel Ethan's belief in her.
"We'll try Resus first," said Ethan. "They said the patients were going to Resus, so it's likely Alicia will be there, whether she's a doctor or…"
His voice trailed away, but Lily heard his unspoken words: ...or a patient.
Lily's anxiety for Alicia's welfare surprised her. She didn't like Alicia very much, after all.
Or did she?
As they turned towards Resus, they saw someone ahead of them. A blood-spattered figure in scrubs with blonde and pink hair.
Alicia pushed open the doors and entered Resus.
Lily caught a glimpse of Connie turning towards Alicia just before the doors swung shut. Her expression was full of ice.
"Oh gosh," said Ethan.
"I think perhaps that might be an understatement," said Lily.
Alicia came out almost immediately, tears running down her cheeks. She stopped when she saw Lily. "Dr Chao, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have… I'm so sorry."
Ethan nudged Lily and nodded towards Alicia.
Lily's eyes widened. She froze in fear. She couldn't do this. She wasn't that sort of person.
Alicia began to sob, her bloodstained hands over her face. Lily was surprised to feel an emotion she hadn't expected. It was so alien to her, she didn't recognise it at first, but could it be… empathy?
Lily reached into her pocket for her locker key. "Ethan, please go to my locker and bring me my bag. We'll be in the bathroom. Please knock on the door."
"Yes, of course," said Ethan, but he hovered uncertainly.
Lily hesitated, then put her hand on Alicia's arm. "Alicia, it is okay. I am sure it was a distressing experience, but I am equally sure you can learn from this and become a better doctor."
Lily looked at Ethan. Ethan mimed hugging someone.
Lily gulped slightly, then put her arms around Alicia. "Come with me to the bathroom. I will help you get cleaned up. It is okay. It is over now. You are safe. I am sure you did whatever you could for your patient."
Ethan smiled at Lily and gave her a double thumbs up. Lily was shocked by how good his approval felt. She put her arms more comfortably around Alicia.
Alicia clung desperately to Lily. "I had to do a needle thoracotomy, but there wasn't a needle in the van, so I used a pen!" she wept.
"What were you doing in a-" Lily stopped as she saw Ethan shaking his head. "Don't worry about that now, Alicia. It is not important. You were very brave and resourceful and you did your utmost to save the patient. As your mentor, I could not ask more of you. Please come with me now. Ethan, please do as I requested."
Ethan nodded and smiled. This time, he left them alone.
Lily kept one arm around Alicia as she guided her towards the bathroom. "Come on, Alicia. That's right. It's okay." She remembered what Charlie had said to Leo earlier. Lily still didn't know what it meant, but perhaps it would work with Alicia. "Nice and easy. You're doing really well."
Alicia didn't reply, but she seemed to relax slightly into Lily's embrace.
"I have got you," said Lily. It was staring the obvious, but apparently, that helped too. "Not far to go now." It seemed a silly thing to say when Alicia was well aware of where they were going, but it didn't seem to make things worse.
Alicia was still crying, but perhaps a bit more quietly.
They reached the bathroom. Lily pushed open the door, using her weight to hold the door open as she helped Alicia through it. She could see Alicia needed a shower to get all the blood off, but if she had a shower now, Lily would have to let go of her and that seemed the wrong thing to do.
She helped Alicia to sit down on the floor and put her arms around her again. Alicia's head fell naturally onto Lily's shoulder.
"It will be okay," said Lily. "It won't always feel this bad. But you are not alone. You are never alone in this ED."