Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all.

Rated M for several reasons.

Chapter 35 The Goddess of Misery, And Lingerie

FPOV

It's nice to have my own space again.

Because I can fucking hide in it, like the coward I am.

I feel bad for guilting Mom into giving up her plans for escape. I can hardly stand to look at her as she bustles around being 'happy'. Especially not after Jazz, Edward and I hung around at the edge of our eavesdropping range while she had an incredibly painful conversation with Carlisle.

Yes he assured her that she belonged with the family and she always had. But I'm only now starting to appreciate how those assurances probably make her feel when they'd abandoned her anyway. I'd thought that words, the truth, could fix everything. But they don't. And I hate that I've forced into her into reliving it, understanding now why Edward refused to do the same. He's pretty pissed at me right now.

We'd listened to it all unfold, Edward and I spitting at each other until Jazz clapped his hand over my mouth and ordered us to be quiet.

She told Doctor Dazzle to stop apologising so he did. Then he held her while she sobbed herself out. I couldn't escape it and I couldn't look at Edward, I just couldn't.

Jazz clamped me against his solid chest at that point and I let him, not even bothering to take the chunk out of his palm he so richly deserved for his high handed behaviour, aware that my actions were hurting everyone and selfishly wanting at least one bit of comfort.

Em was finally summoned to magic up two new bank accounts, one for me and one for Mom. Each of us being loaned a hundred thousand dollars, repayable in one hundred years.

Mom, who is one stubborn woman, immediately wrote Carlisle a seventy five thousand dollar check to cover all the damage we'd caused. He ripped it up in her face and Em threw her over his shoulder, running away with her into the night.

Jazz wouldn't let me go after them but apparently it was okay for Edward to.

I kissed him then. Jazz, not Edward.

He didn't respond.

I didn't try to stick my tongue down his throat or anything so I'm really hoping he thought it was a simple peck on the lips, friendly thanks for all his support or some shit, and I'm sure in a couple of hundred years or so I won't be feeling anywhere near as embarrassed . . . .

In the meantime I'm taking a leaf out of Mom's book and avoiding him like the motherfucker of all plagues.

…..

After the delivery man debacle Mom wasn't massively keen on venturing into town again so I tracked Em down and bullied him into taking me.

"Wouldn't you be more comfortable doing this if Jazz were here?" He asks me for the bazillionth time.

"No. I told you. The poor guy's been babysitting me for months, he's sick of it and I'm sick of it."

"How are you feeling?" He asks, changing the subject.

"Okay I guess." I rub my throat. "It's really painful already."

"This is the closet we've gotten without you holding your breath."

I nod, deciding now is the time to do just that.

I don't know where all the venom comes from, I'm like some freaky Pavlov's Dog, and it's hard to believe drool isn't actually running down my chin.

Em, takes a hand off the wheel and offers it to me.

Taking it I stare out the window. It's not just the smell, though god knows that bad enough, I can see the blood flowing through their exposed veins and even if I couldn't I'd hear it. It's my own fault it affects me so much I guess, I like to listen to my dinner before I hunt it. The wet thudding of the heart in their chest, it's like the vampire equivalent of picking your own fish in a restaurant. Believe or not some of them actually do 'sound' tastier than others.

Look at all those people, going about their lives, listening to their iPods, texting on their phones, picking up something to take home for dinner. Couples holding hands, workers on errands, kids making plans for when school finally gets out. It's amazing how much we can hear, even when we're just passing by in a truck with all the windows rolled up.

I'd be graduating soon, getting ready to party like there's no tomorrow.

I'd sigh but it's too risky, I might forget and breathe in.

"You wanna go back through?" Em asks as the buildings dwindle along the road beside us.

I shake my head. I'm done here and it didn't give me the sense of achievement I was looking for anyway.

…..

We're almost back at the house when Em pulls off the highway.

"What's up?"

"Nothing." I shrug, giving in to my moody inner teenager.

"Your Mom will be okay, she just needs some time."

I nod. I wish I knew that for certain.

"You did the right thing." He says, surprising me. "I love my family, all of you, and I want us to be together. But your Mom, she ain't exactly comfortable being here. Not that anyone could blame her. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad ole Eddie's home and I want him to stay. But it's gotta be hard for Baby Bells. She's a flight risk your Mom, you know that right?"

"I know. Is that why you got in a fight with Edward?"

"I'm always getting in fights with Edward and Jazz. It's a common form of brotherly affection where I'm from."

"Humph."

He sighs.

"I just wanted to be sure Edward knew that too. And that no matter what happened he wasn't gonna kick it off with Doctor Dazzle again."

"Yeah. That would so not go over well if Mom found out."

He laughs.

"Your Mom and Edward, they're two of the most unselfishly stupid people I've ever met."

I guess they are similar in their way, I hadn't thought of that before. I bet she'd have left in a heartbeat if she'd have thought it would keep him safe. She almost did in a way, with James.

"Em?"

"Aw no, the all sweetness tone, I took you into town, what more do you want from me Goddess?"

"Would you ever be able to leave Rose, if it would keep her safe?"

He frowns for a moment and I can almost hear the cogs in his head clanging together.

"I don't know." He says eventually, looking a little helpless. "I'd like to think I would, if there was really no other way."

Then he smiles suddenly, showing the dimples.

"She wouldn't fucking, sorry Freya, let me though, so I guess it's a moot point."

He pulls back onto the road and we're soon bumping our way along the drive to the house.

Edward's waiting for us.

"How did it go?"

"Good." Em declares, heaving his bulk out of the truck. "She's a natural."

I climb down more slowly, not sure what to do with myself.

"I'm glad it went well." Edward smirks. "Because Jasper is spitting bullets."

"Pft." Em shrugs, unconcerned. "He's even more of an old woman than you are."

"You can tell him that in about twenty seconds." Edward chuckles.

"Emmett Cullen!" A familiar voice thunders, running feet rapidly approaching.

Oh crap, he really does sound mad and I'm not ready to see him just yet.

"Shall we?" Edward asks, gesturing to the treeline.

The two of us make a run for it.

"Thanks a lot Goddess." Em grumbles as the trees swallow us.

…..

"Where's Mom?" I ask as our feet fly over the ground.

"Hunting with Rose."

"Fucking hell."

"That's very nearly what I said." He laughs.

"I'm sorry." I blurt out, slamming to a stop.

He doubles back easily, his eyebrow raised in question.

"I didn't mean to upset her. I just didn't want us to leave."

"You have to give her time Freya. We all have to give her time. And let her make her own decisions."

"There's a massive irony in that statement, you know that, right?" I ask him dubiously.

"The others will tell you I'm stubborn, not that I don't learn." He sighs, shoving his hands deep in his pockets.

I don't know where my ease with him comes from. On the one hand he's technically younger than me, but on the other he's even more of a grown up than Mom and Doctor Dazzle. I'm not saying I agree with anything he's done, but I'll admit it must have taken some fairly weighty cajones. Either way I've no reluctance asking my next question.

"If she was in so much danger why didn't you just change her?"

Oh look, he's glaring at me. Waste of time Eddie, I've been glared at by Jazz, you're a rank amateur.

"It wasn't that simple." He groans, backing up and sliding down a tree until he's settled on the forest floor.

"Really?" I ask with epic sarcasm. "Cos Rose apparently just bit me a couple of times and we were good to go."

"Rose?" He splutters.

"Didn't you know?"

He shakes his head, somewhat amazed.

"There wasn't time, as she put it, 'to fuck about' and Carlisle was busy covering their tracks. So she bit me to make sure I didn't die. Mine is the only human blood she's ever tasted. I'm trying not to be offended by the fact she didn't swallow."

He throws back his head and roars with laughter.

"You're not to say anything." I inform him when he gets himself back under control. "I think she freaked herself out."

"I just bet she did." He chuckles, shaking his head again. "Does Bella know?"

"No. We're sticking to the official Doctor Dazzle story."

He laughs again and I have to admit the bastard's even better looking when he's happy.

Oh well.

"So. Why didn't you just change her?"

"I didn't want her to be a monster." He whispers, sobering rapidly.

"Monster? Is that what you think you are?" He opens his mouth but I give him the palm and my best bitch brow. "Is that what I am?"

"No, Freya . . . ."

"No, Edward. Is that what you think Mom is now? A monster? Is that why you won't tell her you love her?"

"Bella is not a monster!" He growls, getting angry. "And you know why I won't say anything to her!"

"She knows."

"What?!"

"Carlisle told her you still loved her. Not that he needed to. It was pretty obvious the night you materialised in our doorway. In fact it's pretty obvious every time you look at her. She's dead Edward, not retarded."

His powerful jaw works for a moment and then he hangs his head.

"She really doesn't want me. Won't forgive me."

Are you listening to yourself mister selfless and self-possessed? Because I thought you'd already decided that whatever she wanted, whoever she wanted, was peachy by you if she was happy.

Fuck, am I the Goddess of Misery, or what? I'm flinging the stuff around like dog shit . . . .

I sit down next to him, butting him with my shoulder the same way I would Jazz.

"You told her over and over that you wouldn't damn her to the life of a soulless monster. Then you left her. Now she is a soulless monster. If you do nothing else maybe you should at least tell her that you were wrong about that."

"I wasn't wrong, I couldn't have . . . . done that to her."

Yeah, well, I guess you copped a break . . . .

"She's a soulless monster, you're a soulless monster, I'm a soulless monster, your family are all soulless monsters. Either we are or we aren't Edward."

The silence drags out until a herd of Caribou cross our path and then its every fast vampire for themselves . . . .

…..

Satiated we wander back toward the house.

"She did well naming you after a Goddess." He observes.

"Edward, you seriously need to get to know her again, she named me after a bra she totally rocked. She thinks I don't know, but Dad showed me the picture."

He snorts with amusement and then looks as constipated as fuck.

Yeah, that was a low blow, but I've so got nothing else to work with . . . .

…..

"He's waiting for you." Edward murmurs as we approach the house.

Oh shit, so he is.

Stood on the steps, impressive forearms crossed over his impressive chest. All annoyed, blonde, male, hotness.

"What . . ." He starts in a hard voice.

". . . . the fuck ever." I respond, breezing past him on a fresh wave of Edward's laughter

…..

Rose yanks me out of my latest funk to tell me the Denalis are coming to see the new house and that it's customary in these situations for the ladies to try to out glam each other. I'm to start with a shower because apparently I stink of Caribou . . . .

I don't mind a good girlie session but Mom's not so keen so I was as surprised as all get out to find her already in Rose's room, rifling through her extensive nail polish collection with something akin to a look of wonder on her face.

There was an awkward few moments as we gazed at each other, three perfect immortal females in fluffy robes and slippers but then Rose broke the ice, Bren style, by demanding to know whether either of us were lucky enough to have waxed our lady gardens before we ended up dead. We were, and her tale of Em helping her with hers in the nineties has Mom and I rolling on the floor with unrestrained laughter, it took several months apparently and at one point, after a mammoth thirty six hour session, Em managed to etch a love heart in it.

There's love, and then there's Rose and Em . . . .