Thanks for all the feedback so far! And congrats to Zack who has finally caught up!
This chapter is extremely close to my heart. Mainly because this ship has been quietly sitting in the shadows of this story, and now it's finally here! I really hope you guys like it.
Not really sure how to feel about it,
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you,
Yeah, it takes me all the way
I want you to stay
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving
Stay – Rihanna
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Iris – Goo Goo Dolls
Esther Drummond liked to think that she was a reasonably easy-going and forgiving person. But coming up to someone, muttering some nonsense about apologies for things yet to come, and kissing them before running off without saying a word…that was just bad manners.
Running off to jump ship with some aliens and not come back for two and a half months wasn't bad manners. It was a jerk move and a whole new level of frustrating. And yet, because it was Marion Narke, Esther couldn't quite bring herself to be entirely surprised.
Still, as much as she wished she could be annoyed and nothing else, her last encounter with Marion had left her bewildered. At the time, the kiss had seemed completely out of nowhere and she had not been able to do much but freeze with utter shock. But now that she had had time to think about it – too much time, given Marion's inconvenient absence – months of unreadable expressions and lingering glances on the brunette's part pieced together.
It was more the comprehending of Marion's ability to have an interest in anyone that way that was the difficult part. But Esther had come to terms with the fact that in that dim tunnel in the Hub, there had been a desperate sort of sincerity in her co-worker's eyes, one that she had never seen the like of before.
The look in Marion's eyes had haunted almost every dream that Esther had experienced since. As had the kiss that followed it.
The clicking of heels on the floor alerted Esther to Marion's approach behind her before anything else did. The American turned around just as the doctor came to a halt in front of her.
"Marion? What are you doing down here?"
"I-" The other woman's mouth opened, and for the first time Esther could remember, she seemed lost for words if the frown that came next was anything to go by. "I just had to see you."
Esther blinked. "…why?"
Were Marion's hands trembling? If they had been, they were stilled a moment later when Marion took another step forward, closing the gap between them until it was minimal.
"Esther, I just wanted to say...I'm sorry," the brunette said quietly, actually sounding like she meant it and confusing Esther even more than before, "For everything I've done and everything I'm about to do. I have my reasons, but whether they're good ones, well. It's the biggest bullshit grey area and it's my entire life."
Esther couldn't quite find a reply, simply because she didn't understand what was going on. Her complete confusion tripled when Marion took a deep breath and unclenched her hands so that she could grab Esther's face and kiss her without warning.
The blonde was fairly sure she might have let out a squeak of surprise, but then the sensation of the kiss rid her mind of other thoughts, if only for a few seconds.
Marion's lips were firm and determined and yet a lot more gentle than Esther would have expected. She tasted vaguely of bitter coffee and mint while the calluses on her palms scratched the skin of her cheeks.
And then it was over, after an eternity that had simultaneously been a fleeting instant, but one that left her dazed and with her eyes blown wide.
Marion let out a tiny sigh before turning on her high heel and hurrying off back the way she had come, but Esther was only half aware of this as her brain tried to catch up with what had happened. About twenty seconds down the line though, her coherence returned.
"Marion!" She shouted, her heart pounding against her chest as she began to run after her as fast as she could. "Marion, wait!"
But Marion had had too much of a head start. By the time Esther got out of the tunnel, all she saw was a deserted workspace and the large police box which dematerialised half a minute later.
It was Esther's day off.
Gathering up the will to pull herself out of bed was a real mission. Still, eventually the immortal woman managed it and she sluggishly went to her kitchen to make herself some coffee to properly kick her brain into gear.
She had only just flicked the kettle on when she realised there was something on her doormat, just visible from the kitchen which was directly opposite her front door.
When Esther walked over to it, she was surprised to see that it wasn't a letter, but a note printed on thick card.
If you want to find out what happened to Marion Narke, be at the following address at midday.
"What the fuck?" She whispered, clutching the note with one hand and covering her mouth with the other. She took the note to her laptop and entered the address into Google Maps. It was a café about halfway between her apartment and the Roald Dahl Pass.
Not the sort of place a lunatic would invite her with ill intentions. It also occurred to her, as belatedly as it always did, that she didn't have to worry much for her personal safety due to her immortality. It was funny how she could so easily forget such a drastic detail about herself, but every time she did.
One couldn't simply spend one's entire being surrounded by the violent reminders of human mortality and then be expected to easily come to grips with the fact that it suddenly wasn't their reality anymore.
Esther sighed, and despite knowing that it was probably a stupid move but unable to think of a good enough way to talk herself down, went to get ready so that she would be on time for this mysterious meeting.
She didn't know what she thought of Marion Narke, or how she felt about her in any way. What she did know was that she needed to see her again.
The café wasn't empty, but only a few patrons were seated inside the rather sizable venue. After debating whether or not she should, Esther ordered herself a vanilla latte and sat down at a table, figuring that having a hot drink or spoon could be handy if anything did get violent.
She frowned to herself the moment that thought properly registered. Working at Torchwood had made such thoughts commonplace, but she always thought that if her pre-Miracle Day self had known about how her older self would come to think, she would be afraid for her own sake.
Esther sat and sipped at her coffee, tapping the spoon against the cup as the minutes passed. Had it been some sort of elaborate joke? Was Hart or Rex behind all this? Or was it something as sinister as a mystery note might suggest?
Marion had always seemed like she could be involved with things altogether more dangerous than your average aliens.
The blonde had been so caught up in her thoughts that when a woman with red hair slid into the seat opposite her, she nearly jumped a mile.
"You came," the stranger said, the smallest hint of surprise in her modulated voice. "I suppose that's something." For someone wearing a leather jacket, jeans and stilettos, the ginger spoke like a grandiose elf in Lord of the Rings. In any other situation that might have been amusing.
"Who are you?" Esther asked her, leaning forward a little. "Did you put the note through my door?"
"Yes, I did." The first question's lack of answer didn't go unnoticed by Esther, but already she had another one that she had decided was more pressing.
"Where's Marion?" She demanded.
The other woman lifted an eyebrow, her hazel eyes impossible to read. "Closer than you might think."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
The redhead sighed. "This is what is going to happen. I'm going to tell you how to find Marion Narke." For a moment Esther just stared. "But first I have to tell you something - a story if you will - and you have to promise me that you'll listen until the very end."
Esther swallowed, trying to grapple with some kind of comprehension of what was going on and failing. "I don't understand."
The woman just got out of her chair, her expression solemn but her frame more rigid than it should have been for someone of her supposed calm. "Finish your coffee and meet me at the wharf." With that she walked out of the café.
For a moment Esther just stared after her. Then she took a large gulp of her drink before hurrying out the door and following the quick-moving figure through the Cardiff streets in the direction of the water. By the time she got to the wharf, the mysterious redhead was sitting on the edge and looking out at the ocean.
"I imagine you'll understand the context of the story before I finish it," she said when Esther sat down next to her, "But an attempt on your part to allow me to do so would be appreciated."
"What story?"
Her head turned and those serious hazel eyes held hers with an intensity that both alarmed and awed the blonde. "The more accurate question would be whose. In its simplest form, it's the story of a scared child and what she grew into."
Esther frowned. "Okay…I guess you'd better get started, then."
Her companion took a deep breath. "Once, there was a girl. And all she knew was her purpose. Her purpose was to kill a man who needed to be dead for the sake of the entire universe. She didn't know why, but she didn't need to. The people around her taught her to kill, and played with her brain until her need to fulfil her mission overruled everything other basic instinct."
"That's horrible."
The other woman nodded, just a little. "Of course, they had never considered that her ability to fear and her need to survive might manage to be stronger. Looking back now, perhaps it was in her blood. But she ran. She ran as fast as she could, but her keepers found her anyway. They took her somewhere new. She was instructed to create the perfect cover. One that was actually real. That was when she got a name."
"Marion," Esther breathed. Realistically, it should have been a guess. But a part of her was certain. For whatever reason, she was being told the truth about Marion Narke. "Look, I think I want her to tell me her story. No offense."
The ginger woman almost looked like she wanted to laugh despite herself. "She's the one who wants me to tell you."
"So she's still alive?" The question came out more desperate than Esther intended.
Something in the stranger's eyes softened slightly. "Yes, she is."
"Okay. Sorry. You can keep going now." Before she could, however, the American had to speak again. "What's your name?"
The woman hesitated, giving it more thought than any normal person would have needed. "Ria will do for now."
"Alright, Ria," Esther said, smiling at her, "Let's get this story over with so that you can take me to Marion."
Tentatively and minutely, almost like she didn't quite know how, Ria smiled back. "Well, Marion for the first time in her life got to live for a while. Her mission was still engrained, and she kept up her strength, but for the first time she had autonomy. She could…become a person instead of just a weapon with a body and brain."
All at once, every remark Esther had ever made about Marion's stiffness came rushing back to her. She had been cruel to her, when it turned out that she had simply been the way she was because she had not been raised with things like empathy and warmth in mind.
But you got a good deal when you sold your soul, right?
Esther could feel her face betraying some of the horror she felt at herself. While she knew that Ria saw it, the other woman said nothing.
"For a while she was happy, up until she finished secondary school. That was when it was time for her training to be refreshed. Her keepers took her again, kept her underground for an entire year, far from where anyone could hear her screams. They tortured her repeatedly, healing her just so that they could continue, and made her fight in the most brutal conditions until she could win. And they took back her brain, as best they could. Planted all their seeds of treachery and destruction over and over again until she was shaking with the need to fulfil their wishes."
"Oh my god," Esther said, feeling sick to her very core, "I could never have imagined-"
"No one could have," Ria replied, her voice sharp, "It is hardly a common thing, what happened. But eventually she was released and sent to university to become the doctor she needed to be to infiltrate Torchwood."
The blonde blinked as more pieces clicked into place. "A man who needed to be dead for the sake of the entire universe. Jack can't die, so…the Doctor. Her supposed purpose was to kill the Doctor."
Ria nodded. "She had instructions to wait until the right point in his timeline. And when he needed assistance to find his lost baby, she seized her chance by volunteering."
"Jenny was her way in."
"Connection with the Doctor's daughter had been important, though the friendship was an accident. Practically a transgression in the eyes of those who had taught Marion to see. But it did assist her in being trusted."
A horrible thought occurred to Esther. "Wait, did she succeed? Is the Doctor dead? Is Jenny? Aliya?"
"All are alive. You must allow me to continue with the story."
"…sorry."
Ria sighed and bit her lip before starting to speak again. "She successfully poisoned the Doctor. But not long after…her entire world collapsed around her."
Esther stared at her. "What does that mean?"
"Details of her origins had always been few, but the meddling with her brain had kept her from seeking answers and seeing the lack of consistency in the few things she had been told. She was standing by the dying Time Lord and his mourning family, feeling an unparalleled triumph even if she knew she may have lost her friend. And…then she was told the truth. The truth she had been blinded from seeing."
"What truth?"
Ria's hands were shaking and the woman's face had frozen in a pained expression. "That she was the lost baby. Her freak biology wasn't an engineered miracle but simple inheritance. The man she had spent her entire life planning to murder was in fact her father, and her only friend her sister."
Esther gaped. "But – that's-"
"Unfortunately not as impossible as she might have wished," Ria murmured, "Her very name bore the truth of it. The baby's name was Mariakanerolunar."
It clicked in a second. "An anagram." Spotting patterns had been Esther's job at the CIA. She was good with puzzles. A new thought occurred to her. "That means Aliya's her mom! That's too damn weird."
In the corner of her vision, she could see that Ria's fists were clenched where they rested on top of her thighs. "Marion could not allow the Doctor to die knowing that he had died due to her being lied to. So she saved him."
Esther smiled, with the smallest bit of disbelief. "What do you know, miracles can happen. But how could they have known? No one would have guessed that she was their daughter, and she didn't know herself. How could it have come out?"
"You recall that Time Lords can change their faces?"
"Um…yeah, I think so. Never totally understood the concept though."
"Marion was shot while they were being pursued by hostiles from the time period," Ria said, her hand lifting to fiddle with something around her neck, but Esther couldn't tell what it was with her gaze fixed on the water, "She regenerated right in front of them. There was no other person who could have done so. The anagram filled in what remained."
"Wait," Esther said with a deep frown, "Are you saying that Marion doesn't look like Marion anymore? She changed?"
"Yes, she changed," Ria whispered, and when Esther turned to look at her properly, she recognised the object in her hands. A locket hanging around her neck, one that if opened would no doubt contain a picture that had once baffled her.
It took a moment. The concept of face-changing was far from something she was used to. But the evidence was there and Esther was far from slow. Ria. Mariakanerolunar. Marion Laura Narke.
Esther felt her mouth drop with stunned silent shock, and her hands moved to cover it a moment later. "Oh my god," she said, her eyes wide as the redhead watched her with fear and anticipation, "Marion. It's you, isn't it?"
Marion's lips turned upwards, just a little, but her eyes still betrayed her worry. "Surprise?" She said weakly, her voice suddenly sounding hoarse.
"Just a bit," Esther replied, still staring but starting to laugh at the absurdity of it all. "You have a different face. And you talk like you should have been born a century ago!"
"I'm aware. To be honest, from the very little I know of regeneration, I'm lucky I didn't turn out completely different to how I used to be. At least I'm mostly the same. Different face, strange voice and better hair aside."
"I liked your old hair."
"So did I, but now my hair looks as if it should be in a shampoo commercial."
Esther eyed the ginger locks around Marion's shoulders and had to restrain a bizarre urge to touch them. "That's definitely true."
"I look too…soft. Like a princess or something equally ridiculous."
"I don't think princesses have leather jackets or eyeliner."
"Good." Her newly regenerated co-worker sighed, and glanced at her with a tentative curiosity. "So…you've learnt that I'm an alien weapon slash child soldier who was planning on killing our friend's parents, who turned out to also be my parents. Thoughts?"
"It's…a lot to take in," Esther said honestly, after only a brief hesitation. "But it also sounds like what you were turned into wasn't your fault."
Marion's face darkened. "I've killed a lot of innocent people. And I cannot forgo responsibility for that, because most of the time I enjoyed it. Or worse, I was completely indifferent."
Esther bit her lip. What did she want her to say? That she was a horrible person, that she never wanted to see her again? Because she wasn't going to. Even if the wisest part of her thought that she probably should, there was little doubt in her mind that she wouldn't.
"You make it sound like you want me to push you away," the blonde said quietly, "And if you want that to happen then keep talking but if you don't then I'd shut up just in case."
"You need to make sure you understand the gravity of-"
"Of what?" Esther's voice was incredulous. "Of you? Of your past? Or of - I don't know – a potential us?"
Marion inhaled sharply. "There is no us."
"Then why did you kiss me?"
"We're not talking about this." Thankfully, when Marion saw her outraged expression she immediately rushed to correct herself. "Or rather, we're not talking about this today. Go home, Esther. Think about what you've learned just now. And if you think you can take learning the final piece of all of this, send me a text tomorrow morning."
Esther considered this and deemed it a good plan, even if curiosity made her want to shake the other woman until she just spoke the plain truth instead of being angsty and mysterious. In the end she just sighed and got to her feet. She already had Marion's phone number from work, so there wasn't much more to be done.
"So, tomorrow then. Maybe," she said, unsure how they were leaving it.
"Yes," Marion replied, not looking at her and instead out at the glistening water and horizon, "Tomorrow. Maybe."
A less observant person would have thought that she was indifferent, but Esther could see that her hands were still trembling.
Esther returned to her apartment with her mind whirring and her heart beyond confused and conflicted. Marion was alive, which was definitely good. But she wasn't the person either of them had believed she was.
"She's their daughter," she said to herself out loud, because it was so strange that it didn't seem real unless she could physically hear it. "And she was going to kill them because she didn't know."
All of the things Marion had told her circled her mind, the things spoken as if they weren't revealing her greatest secrets and weaknesses, as if she wasn't talking about her own torture.
She could become a person instead of just a weapon with a body and brain.
For a while she was happy…
Her keepers took her again, kept her underground for an entire year, far from where anyone could hear her screams. And they took back her brain, as best they could. Planted all their seeds of treachery and destruction over and over again until she was shaking with the need to fulfil their wishes.
Connection with the Doctor's daughter had been important, but the friendship was an accident. Practically a transgression in the eyes of those who had taught Marion to see.
Her entire world collapsed around her.
Esther could imagine it. The panic in those new eyes of hers. The denial and the anger that had to have followed her receiving of the truth. A single look at Marion had betrayed just how much the knowledge pained her even after having at least a little time to come to terms with it.
The moment she had heard it the first time had to have been…nothing short of devastating.
But yet, somehow in the midst of that, she had found the clarity or compassion or something to reverse the damage she had done. She had saved the Doctor after spending her whole life being conditioned to kill him.
It was impossible for Esther to see that as anything short of incredible.
She walked through her kitchen, noticing the half empty cup of coffee on the bench that had gone cold. All at once the place seemed so…off, like it had been an age since she had stood where she was and not only a few hours. So much had happened, and yet all she had done was have a conversation with a stranger who had turned out to be her difficult co-worker with a new face.
That was definitely going to take a while to get her head around. And yet…she could see Marion, her Marion, beneath the new skin. The snark, the cynicism that was obviously a front, the reluctance to let her near and yet a quiet longing in her eyes she couldn't quite hide. A longing she quite possibly didn't even realise she hadn't managed to disguise.
"Wait, she's not my Marion," Esther said aloud upon realising what she had thought. The phrase, with its intimate implications, brought the memory of the kiss rushing back full force. Marion's lips pressing against hers, like a last hope or prayer or perhaps the only one she was going to allow herself to have…and the surprising sense of loss when it was over.
Her mouth went dry and she pressed her palms to her burning cheeks. Before Marion, she'd never kissed a woman or even given her sexuality much thought. She supposed her own case was of the 'don't knock it until you try it' variety because ever since it had happened, been difficult for her to think of much else.
"What the hell am I doing?" She asked herself, walking up the stairs to her loft bedroom and letting herself fall back on the cushioned duvet.
I've killed a lot of innocent people. And I cannot forgo responsibility for that, because most of the time I enjoyed it. Or worse, I was completely indifferent.
Esther was far from ignoring the more crucial part of the situation. The fact that Marion really was a murderer, not just the killer of aliens who possibly didn't always deserve it. A murderer of humans, and who knew what else.
She didn't know how many, and she didn't want to. But she couldn't ignore the nagging part of her that insisted that without her specific upbringing, Marion would never have done it. It wasn't entirely her fault. More importantly, she seemed to regret it now. There was definitely a new goal for her, but just what it was Esther had no idea.
To make amends with her? A person she had wronged several times? But why her? And where did the damn kiss come into it?
"Fuck you, Narke," she murmured, groaning with frustration, "I didn't need this."
The next morning, after spending the whole afternoon and evening going from pacing around the house to lying on her bed dejectedly, Esther picked up her phone and sent Marion a text.
I have no idea what to think. I want the final piece.
After the message sent, Esther realised that it was Christmas Eve and wondered how she had possibly forgotten something that should have been so important. But with her sister and nieces back in the US, Esther had no family to celebrate with and therefore had had no reason to get excited for the holiday. It had completely slipped her mind.
About ten minutes later, Esther got a reply.
Step outside and look down.
Puzzled, but not about to disobey, Esther quickly threw on some jeans and a shirt along with a pair of ugg boots before hurrying to her front door and stepping outside it. It only took her two tentative steps to reach the walkway railing, grasp it, and look down.
Marion was standing on the street some eight stories below, in the same clothes as yesterday except for a red beanie encasing the top of her ginger hair. She was holding large white squares in her hands that only confused Esther more.
The redhead met her eyes, and gave her the tiniest of anxious smiles across the distance before fiddling with the white squares until they were in a neat pile. It wasn't until they were lifted up that Esther realised they were signs, or rather messages. Probably giant pieces of card that had been written on in sharpie in a font large enough for her to be able to read from her high perch.
The first card read: I know that I am a terrible person…
Esther frowned, a bizarre sense of déjà vu engulfing her as the card was moved to the back so that the second one was visible. Who has lied her entire life…
Card number three took a little longer because it looked like Marion's hands were shaking. And I fully expect you – card four came quickly – to never want to see me again.
The blonde found that her heart had sped up, just a fraction. Perhaps it remembered the significance of the cards that her mind could not.
Card five. But first I need to say, without hope or agenda…
Card six. Because it's (apparently) Christmas…
Card seven. And at Christmas you tell the truth…
During the transition from seven to eight, Esther recalled where she had seen it before. In the best romantic comedy of all time.
Marion's pained expression as she held up the eighth card took away any humour Esther might have found in her realisation. As the cards continued, laughing was the last thing on her mind.
(And god knows it's about time I did for once)
To me, you are perfect
And my screwed up hearts will love you
Until I die
Esther couldn't be sure when she had covered her mouth with her hand, but what she did know was that she was frozen that way now. Below her, Marion's expression was equally still. Still and as vulnerable as Esther had ever seen.
Breaking their eye contact was the last thing Esther wanted to do, but it was necessary to send her another text. Her fingers moved as quickly as they could so that the message sent and she could clutch the railing and again look down upon the woman who had just declared her love for her.
The message was simple. Come up.
It only took a moment for the redhead's head to snap down to her pocket. She shifted the cards so that one of her hands was free to pull out the phone and open the text. Her eyes flicked from the phone back up to Esther, who just nodded.
Marion held her cards a little tighter and hurried towards the stairs that led up to Esther's level. Esther was left with the job of waiting until she finally got to her, skipping two steps with each bound (a feat impossible in high heels for anyone but her, Esther was sure).
Esther leaned against her doorframe and just held her gaze for a moment, taking in the other woman's short breathing and visible uncertainty.
"Tea?" Esther asked.
Marion blinked. "…sure."
Esther smiled at her minutely and headed inside, leaving the door open for her to follow. Once they were both standing in her apartment and the door was shut, there was only one thing to say.
"Did you just pull a Love Actually on me?" Esther asked, lifting an eyebrow and allowing herself to smile a little. Marion's cheeks flushed with slight colour as she made a face and nodded. "You watched Love Actually? And remembered enough to be able to copy it?"
"My university girlfriend made me watch it," Marion replied defensively, "Besides, I possess no romantic creativity so I didn't exactly have many options. I figured this way was easier than trying to say it out loud."
Esther couldn't quite figure out what to say to that, so just went to the kitchen and pulled out some mugs so that she could make them tea. After the kettle was filled and boiling, she noticed the tension and awkwardness in Marion's frame.
"You can sit down," the blonde told her, smirking, and Marion shook her head but came to the edge of the kitchen instead of lingering near the door. "I've never seen you nervous like this before. I mean yesterday, sure, but-"
"Yesterday is almost looking favourable compared to this." The soft and distinguished voice was nearly more difficult to associate with Marion Narke than the new face was.
"You talk so differently," Esther remarked without thinking, "I mean, appearance is one thing, but the talking…it makes you seem almost like a different person."
Marion didn't seem surprised. She barely blinked and didn't break her gaze. "I almost am." Then she shrugged. "But I'm not. Marion Narke is just under this top layer now. She's both me and a part of me. I'm…I'm more now, I suppose, than I was. Or less. It's hard to be sure."
"I'm not sure I understand."
"When they talked to me, I could see who they wanted me to be. Mariaka. Their Mariaka," the redhead said, one hand gripping the counter until her knuckles went white, her voice flat all the while. "And I'm not. I am so much more than Marion now, but I am not Mariaka. I am not their fucking daughter."
Esther saw tears in the corners of her eyes that were hastily wiped away. "You're allowed to be both, you know," she said, wanting to approach her and offer some kind of comfort but not quite knowing how.
"What if I'm neither?" Marion asked, her voice hard initially but cracking before the sentence was over. "I have no idea who I am. When I found out the truth I thought I was going to - well. Everything inside me rebelled and it's like my entire mind was screaming. Screaming so loudly that I should have lost my mind and snapped entirely."
"But you didn't."
Marion's eyebrow lifted. "Do you want to know why?"
"Well, yeah. If it's something you don't mind saying."
"When my world came crashing down," she said slowly, her vulnerable eyes betraying how against her instincts it was to say what she was about to, "The thing that stopped me from being destroyed along with it was the knowledge of the one truth left to me. The only certain thing I could be sure of in the midst of all the lies."
Esther swallowed thickly. "What was it?"
"It was how I felt about you," the other woman told her, her gaze as steady as it was grateful, "They couldn't touch that. And I suppose I just wanted to say thank you. Simply by being yourself, you saved me without even knowing it."
Esther stared. The idea that she could have unknowingly impacted someone so strongly, especially someone like Marion whom she had until just now considered so stoic, was hard to comprehend.
"I…you're welcome?"
Marion frowned a little at her hesitation, and shook her head. "You must understand that when I say that I'm in love with you, I say it without any expectation or hope. I don't…I don't need anything from you and I'm certainly not deluded enough to think you could ever see me the same way. But it's the plain truth, and I merely…I thought you should know, is all. And thanking you seemed important."
The intensity and sincerity – however otherwise guarded – in her hazel eyes struck Esther until the human was just standing there with her mouth slightly open.
"I – I don't know what to say."
A tiny smile tugged at Marion's lips. "You don't need to say anything." When the kettle finished boiling and Esther didn't move, the redhead moved to make the tea instead. "You asked for the final piece of my story and I gave it to you. Frankly after everything I told you yesterday I'm surprised you can even look at me."
"A long time ago, before the Miracle, maybe I would have been too," Esther said honestly, leaning back against the kitchen counter and watching her, "But I'm a different person now, and the world isn't black and white and neither are people. Like someone told me, life is the biggest grey area."
"I knew nothing of the truth then."
"You know, you're assuming that I want nothing to do with you, but you haven't asked me about the kiss. How I felt about it. That's a dumb move on your part, Narke."
Marion stiffened. "Don't call me Narke."
"Why not?"
She glanced over her shoulder at Esther, her frown having returned. "It doesn't feel like my name anymore. Marion Laura Narke was an alias. A lie in itself."
"But you said you weren't Mariaka."
"I am neither," came the reply, through gritted teeth, "I'm simply…me."
"You're not neither, you're both," Esther said, "You're Marion and you're Mariaka which means you're also something else altogether. If you're wondering what to call yourself, you don't need to look that far. You just need something that's both, or in between. What about Mari?"
"Mari," the ginger murmured, trying the name on her tongue. Her frown lessened slightly. "Mah-ree. Mari. That could work."
"Yeah?"
Mari nodded curtly. "I just needed something new. Mari fits."
"Can I still call you Marion?"
Mari considered this, and nodded a moment later. "But only you. And only because you're cute."
"You're not too bad yourself."
Esther's flirting – which had been an automatic response and not at all something she had consciously thought out – got her a raised eyebrow from her companion.
"Probably best to not flirt with me, Drummond. I don't need you getting my hopes up."
"Who said I'm getting your hopes up?" Esther asked, crossing her arms. "Look, you've been truthful with me. So I'm going to do the same. And truth is…" She let out a long breath and tried not to get distracted by the piercing eyes that watched her. "Even if it surprised the hell out of me at the time, I've thought about that kiss every day since it happened. I've caught myself looking for you on every street corner without even meaning to. And I've stared at your empty desk and wished you would come back."
Mari frowned, like the implications of her words were practically impossible to grasp. "Meaning?"
"Meaning that I'm not as indifferent as you think!" Esther said, with exasperation in her voice. "I wanted to get to know you. Everything I've learned has only made me want to get to know you more. And goddamn if I haven't imagined you kissing me again like you did in that hallway!"
"Oh," Mari murmured, blinking. Her gaze slipped down to Esther's lips before snapping back up to her face.
Esther sighed and shook her head. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're an idiot, Marion. Even weirder, you're an idiot that I want to be my friend."
"Friend?" It was impossible to tell whether Mari was surprised by the word or fishing for something more.
"It would be a good start, yeah," Esther replied, smiling at her. "So what do you say? Girl's day out?" Mari stared at her for a moment before laughing slightly, only to stop a moment later and have a curious look take over her face. "What?"
"I just…I think that's the first time I've felt laughed since all this happened," she admitted, "And the first time in much longer that it hasn't been malicious in any kind of way."
Esther lifted an eyebrow. "You're a real bundle of joy, huh?"
Mari laughed again, this time properly with her lips stretching back across her teeth as she grinned. Her smile was gorgeous. "You know me, Drummond. I'm a perpetual ray of sunshine."
That time, Esther laughed with her. "So what do you want to do today, then?"
It only took Mari a moment to decide. "With regeneration comes new tastes, I learnt that immediately. I need a new wardrobe."
That worked well for the human, as it was an area she knew well. "Shopping trip it is, then."
It turned out that most of Mari's clothing choices were jeans, and tops of either the sleeveless, corset or plain long-sleeve variety. She also stocked up on a couple of coats and bought a few new pairs of high heeled boots.
"So, should we get all this back to your apartment and then go for a late lunch somewhere?" Esther asked, shifting the shopping bags in her hands.
Mari's face, which had been pleasantly untroubled all through their quick shopping trip, fell at her words. "I…I'd rather not."
Esther frowned at her. "What's the problem?"
"I suppose I'm-" The redhead shook her head. "I'm wary about going back there. It's not a nice place, and it's the domain of…well, of a cold killer, who believed in a multitude of lies."
"But, you must have gone back, to sleep there last night."
"I didn't sleep last night, I stayed at the wharf."
"What, the whole night?!"
Mari just shrugged. "I had a lot to consider. The water was calming. I wasn't tired, I had no reason to go elsewhere."
Esther stared at her for a moment before letting it go and considering a possible option in how to proceed. "Look, not nice place or not, it's still where you lived. And the fact that you want to avoid it probably just means you need to face it." Mari glared. "No, I'm serious! You need to face the person that you used to be, because that person is a part of who you are now. But you don't need to face it alone."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I'll come with you," Esther said, "We'll go together, grab whatever you might want from there, and then we'll go back to my place, okay? I've got a couch, you can stay as long as you need."
Mari blinked at her, seeming to have a lump in her throat. "Thank you, Esther."
It became apparent when they arrived in Mari's apartment building that she no longer possessed the key, so she had to spend a minute picking the lock before the door eventually swung open.
Esther gaped at what she saw. It was impossible to know what she had expected, but it hadn't been this. Marion had not only been a doctor, but a doctor employed by the crown who received a hefty salary. Yet the apartment was bare, with unpolished wooden floors and a single mattress on the floor of what was probably meant to be the living room. A stereo sat on top of an end table near it, but that was the only luxury visible from the doorway.
Next to her, Mari had started shaking slightly. Esther hesitated for only a second for taking her hand in hope that it might steady her. Mari stiffened and glanced down at where they were touching before directing her gaze back in front of her. But Esther was fairly sure that she could see a hint of red in her cheeks.
"Are you blushing?" She asked her, grinning.
Mari's blush only deepened, and she scowled before snatching her hand back and striding inside. "Shut up, Drummond." Esther bit her lip to contain her only growing grin and followed her in. The rest of the place was as bare as the first look had suggested.
"All this time…you were living like this?"
"I didn't need luxuries," Mari said simply, "After nights of sleeping with fresh scars on my front and back, or a thousand other injures…any night of sleeping here unhurt was like a blessing."
Esther felt queasy. "If you don't have luxuries, is there anything here you actually want?"
Mari's lips twitched. "One thing. Or rather, one lot of things." She went into the space that was meant to be the bedroom but was empty other than a few boxes of what appeared to be files and a full wardrobe. She went to the latter and crouched down.
"Let me guess," Esther said, starting to grin, "The stilettos."
Mari grinned back at her over her shoulder. "What else?"
"At least that hasn't changed."
"No, not this time, and neither did my shoe size. I'd call that a stroke of luck."
Esther laughed. "Destiny, obviously." They put the stilettos into the shopping bags with the new clothes and headed back towards the front door. "You don't want anything else?"
"One more thing," Mari said, and retrieved her violin case from the cupboard the stereo sat on top of, "Now I have everything." She joined Esther at the door and took one last look at the place. "I don't imagine I'll ever come back."
They got back to Esther's apartment and dumped Mari's stuff on the couch.
"You know that it's Christmas Day tomorrow?" The human asked the Gallifreyan, who frowned.
"Well, yes, noticing that it was going to be Christmas Eve today is what gave me the idea for the cards."
"Right. Well, considering that I said you can stay with me, and I'm fairly sure that you also don't have anyone to spend it with, that would mean we're going to be spending Christmas together."
Mari blinked. "Oh. I suppose it does. Is…is that okay?"
"Yeah, no complaints here," Esther assured her, "But I figure we should go shopping. You know, for food and crackers and stuff."
"If you say so, Drummond."
"I do."
So they went out and bought a roast chicken for the next day as well as plenty of vegetables to roast and a small box of Christmas crackers. Esther also insisted on buying a large chocolate cake instead of Christmas pudding.
They had barely been home again for a minute when Esther's phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Esther! Light of my life."
"Hi, Jack," she said, grinning. "How's it going?"
"Good, just thought I'd check on whether you were coming to the Christmas party tonight."
Esther took one look at Mari, who was silently putting away their purchases and doing her best to look like she wasn't eavesdropping. "Sorry, Jack," she said, "Can't."
"Why not?"
She grinned. "I've got a date." Mari straightened up so fast that she hit her head on the pantry shelf. That only made the blonde grin harder as she hung up on Jack.
"A date?" Mari asked, rubbing her head.
"Well, yeah." Esther shrugged. "If you want. But I thought we could go to the pub, or get ice cream, or whatever you like, really."
Mari's cheeks had gone a little pink again. "Oh. Well, I don't particularly mind. It's more than enough just-" Whatever she had been about to say, she decided against it and just clamped her mouth shut. "You can choose."
"Just what?"
Mari adamantly shook her head. "Nothing. Just pick something."
Esther decided to let it go for now. "Okay, well, I'm hungry. So, pub food it is, and we'll figure out where to go from there."
That was how they ended up in a booth at a nearby pub which Esther remembered had good food from a few solo outings she had undertaken since her move to Cardiff.
"I think I mainly want chips," Mari admitted as she looked over the menu.
"Nutritious for sure," Esther said, grinning.
"I believe my biology can handle it."
Esther opted for fish and chips while Mari insisted that she just wanted a large bowl of the latter, so they went to the bar to order and get drinks. The redhead also insisted on paying, so Esther allowed it and ordered a glass of wine, while Mari asked for a cider.
They returned to their booth with their drinks to wait for their food.
"So," Esther began, tracing her finger around the top of the wine glass as she eyed her date, "There's still a lot I don't know about you."
Mari frowned. "I told you my entire life story."
The blonde gave her a sceptical look. "That doesn't tell me the little things! What's your favourite song? What was your favourite book when you were a kid? That kind of thing."
"Oh," she murmured, a thoughtful look replacing the frown, "I liked Star Trek: The Next Generation. And Joan Jett." Then the frown returned. "Uh. Neither of those are books. Sorry."
Esther laughed. "Hey, it's fine! Those were guidelines. Don't go all nervous on me. Doesn't suit you." Mari made a face, and the American had to add, "Well, actually, it's cute, but it's just not you. You're big bad scary Marion, remember?"
Mari decided to ignore that. "What about you? What do you like?"
"I'm pretty unoriginal," Esther said, "I used to be really into Nancy Drew. I like that Ed Sheeran guy, and Coldplay. And Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The idea of the blonde girl being badass always had a fair amount of appeal."
Mari rested her chin in her hand and grinned. "I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer too."
"Hey, I didn't have any past tense in there. I have all of it on DVD. It's my not-so-guilty pleasure for my days off." Esther was glad that at least she was getting the opposite of ridicule for that particular interest. "Favourite ice cream flavour?"
"Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie," Mari replied without blinking, "I didn't tend to indulge in it much though. And it occurs to me that my tastes have probably changed with regeneration."
"Mine's your standard cookie dough ice cream. Can't go wrong. But I reckon our mission after this should be to find your new favourite ice cream flavour," Esther said, excited at the prospect.
"That sounds like the sort of mission I could get behind."
Their food arrived not long after and both got stuck into their chips, which were perfectly cooked, much to their delight.
"You're not one of those weird Brits who puts vinegar on their fries, are you?" Esther asked, narrowing her eyes at Mari's plate.
The redhead just shrugged. "My last self didn't care too much either way. Now, though, I can't imagine anything worse. I think I just want them as they are. A good chip doesn't need anything but salt."
"Thank god for that." They ate in silence for a small while before something obvious occurred to Esther. "Jenny knows, doesn't she? About how you feel about me."
Mari bit into a chip and stared at her. "Yes. Why?"
"It just occurred to me why she was so desperate to make me think you weren't screwing Rex," Esther said, chuckling, "She was on your team."
"Still is, you should have seen how excited she was when she found out that I'd kissed you," Mari said, smiling a little, "I suppose that if anyone I knew was going to end up being my sister, she's the one I would want."
"But is she your older sister or your younger sister?" The question came out of Esther before she really thought it over, but when it did, Mari's slight faltering told her that she had made a valid point. "Yeah, actually yeah, because you're obviously older in terms of how long you've lived…but she would have held you when you were a baby."
The other woman made a face and groaned. "I didn't need this to have to figure out too. She's not my older sister. She can't possibly be."
"She might be," Esther said mischievously, earning a glare for a response, "But that's probably something you can take up with her."
"I intend to," came the grumble that was slightly muffled by several chips.
Once out of the pub, they managed to find a place that sold ice cream at night and allowed Mari to sample the different flavours and test them on her new taste buds. She nearly spat vanilla back out, and she claimed that chocolate was only tolerable, but eventually found what she wanted.
"That's disgusting," Esther said, eyeing the strawberry and mint chocolate chip combination that Mari had ended up with. Her own cookie dough ice cream was blessedly normal in comparison. "I mean, seriously."
"It's not my fault!" Mari defended. "Regeneration is a lottery. It could be a lot worse."
They walked to the waterfront, where they were able to stand in front of the railing near the pier and stare out at the moonlight on the water of the harbour.
"This has been really nice," Esther said after they stood and licked their ice creams in silence for a while, "I don't know what I was expecting, but…it's been really good."
Even in the dim light, she could see Mari's cheeks gain a hint of colour similar to that of half her ice cream. "…I'm glad. I'm not sure what I was expecting either."
The silence returned until a new thought entered Esther's mind and she had to laugh.
"What?"
"Imagine what Gwen and the others would say if they knew who I was on a date with."
Mari chuckled and finished off her ice cream. "What's more amusing is that if we ran into any of them, they wouldn't have a clue."
Esther lifted an eyebrow. "Am I sensing a desire to mess with them, Marion?"
"Possibly. I do enjoy making Rex squirm."
"Well, we'll see what we can do at a later date. Tomorrow's Christmas, so everyone will be busy. Even us, kinda."
"Busy eating all that food you bought."
"We could watch Buffy," Esther suggested, "Buffy and food could be a very ideal Christmas if you ask me."
"Sure," Mari said, smirking, "No complaints here."
Esther nodded and smiled before the strange truth of the whole thing properly hit her. "I'm spending Christmas with Marion Narke. Now there's something I wouldn't have believed a few months ago."
"If it helps at all, I wouldn't have believed it either."
"The universe is a surprising place, I guess," the human considered as she finished munching on her ice cream cone.
Mari snorted. "You're telling me."
"So, have you seen any more of it?"
"Hmm?"
"The universe. You were in the 43rd century. Did you come straight here, or did you take a look around the whole galaxy at your disposal first?"
Mari nodded. "I did take a look around. I visited some singing towers and saw a younger version of the Doctor with his dead wife. The towers sang for me. I'm not sure if the song was comforting or haunting but…I know I'll never forget it." She exhaled slowly. "I stood on the edge of a dying world and watched the light run out. I got into an argument with a fruit vendor and teleported away mid-sentence when I lost patience with him. I walked along a beach of pure ice that was deserted as far as the eye could see."
"Did any of that help?"
"It's difficult to know," she admitted, "But I also made a stop in the 25th century at a music store and downloaded everything from 20th century up until that point, so I would say that at least I came out of it all with a music collection superior to the one I had before."
Esther blinked, only to laugh because there wasn't much else to do. "I'm going to get really good at taking things in stride hanging around you, aren't I?"
"Possibly."
"So a deserted beach made of ice? What was that like?"
"Cold."
Esther hit her on the arm, making Mari grin. "Come on."
"It was beautiful," she said simply, "And so quiet I could hear my hearts beating in my skin."
"And that didn't drive you nuts?"
Mari shook her head. "On the contrary, it helped me. There's something about being so totally alone in the face of nature on that scale. You end up seeing yourself, in a way. Who you are when there's nothing else."
"And who did you see?" Esther asked, her voice coming out more or less as a whisper.
"I'm still busy working that one out," Mari said, looking at her with those solemn hazel eyes that were capable of holding Esther's so easily, "Possibly someone who wants to learn all the things I failed to before."
Esther found herself not quite able to reply, only able to hold her gaze with slightly parted lips and an awe in her at how much more this woman had turned out to be than what she had thought. Quite unbidden, she caught her gaze dropping to Mari's lips, which could have been a problem if Mari's eyes hadn't been similarly distracted.
"Esther…" Mari bit her lip, half looking like she wanted to be running off in the opposite direction but also seeming loathe to look away from her for even a second. "Can I – can I kiss you?"
There was something so genuine about her awkwardness – especially since Esther was suddenly sure that her previous self would have been exactly the same if given the chance – that was downright endearing.
Esther just smiled softly. "Yeah."
Mari's hands came to cup her face, and Esther was fairly sure that their trembling had little to do with the cold, but she didn't have time to think on it further before the other woman had leaned in and kissed her. Unlike last time, it wasn't desperate or rushed. The lack of certainty was still there, but so was a quiet sort of tenderness, and most importantly, a tangible need as their lips melded together in the cold air of Christmas Eve and warmth spread all through Esther's body.
Because Esther of course wasted no time kissing her back this time around. The Gallifreyan tasted like the expected sugary combination of strawberry and mint, which she had to grudgingly admit wasn't as terrible as she had expected, but there was an undertone of what had to be Mari too.
The kiss's end didn't result in one of them running off as fast as they could, so Esther had to put that down as a step in the right direction.
"Wow," she said, smiling widely. Mari's hands were still lingering near her face and shaking a little. The redhead brought them back to her sides and clenched them to get them under control.
"So that was okay?" She asked, her worry etched all over her face.
Esther put her hands on her shoulders. "Yeah," she said with a tiny laugh, "Just…breathe, okay? I know this is all a big deal for you, but…it's just me. Someone like you has no reason to be scared of me."
When Mari swallowed and nodded, without looking entirely convinced, there was only one thing for it.
Esther kept a firm hold of her shoulders and kissed her, letting her lips capture Mari's with the utmost softness, testing and exploring the newness of it all and savouring every tiny detail. Salt and cinnamon and a richness that reminded her of caramel. That was Mari, with that bitter coffee after-taste that she hadn't quite lost from her last body either. Esther let her hands slide up into her mane of dark orange hair so that she could use it to pull her closer.
Mari had momentarily gone still with shock, but was now kissing her back enthusiastically, even going so far as to rest her hands on Esther's waist and let her tongue run across her bottom lip.
It was, without a doubt, the best kiss Esther had ever had. Which was why she was so reluctant to pull away.
"So, my place?" Esther asked when she finally did. "It's getting freezing out here." When Mari just lifted an eyebrow – and Esther had to appreciate how good she looked doing so with her wide eyes, flushed cheeks and slightly swollen lips – she chuckled. "And contrary to how that sounded, that wasn't an invite into my bed."
"Minor disappointment," Mari murmured, her darkened eyes dragging over Esther unabashedly.
Esther half-giggled. "Seriously? One kiss from me and all your worries are out the window? You're just smooth as hell now?"
Mari smirked. "Problem?"
"I didn't exactly say that," Esther said, taking her hand and linking her fingers through hers. They started to walk back in the direction of her apartment. "You're just still full of surprises."
Just in case anyone cares, the ship name for Marion/Esther is Immortal Stilettos. ;)
Next chapter we'll see Mari going to have that talk with Daliya and Jenny, so prepare yourself for incoming family drama. (But I can promise some cute little things with the Doctor and Mari!) It'll also be the first chapter from Mari's POV.
I'm sorry if anyone was disappointed at the lack of Doctor and/or Aliya in this chapter, but this story/series is about the whole picture, and Marion and Esther are part of that. There was a lot to cover here, so they needed their own chapter.
I'd love to know what you guys thought!
Love you all,
MayFairy :)
Guest Review Replies:
Cherrie Anne - Wow! Can I just say that it really warms my heart to see you care about Aliya so much so as to defend her so powerfully? But Aliya's not being bullied. The Doctor supports her unconditionally, but he also can't let her make his opinions on other people for him. He shouldn't automatically dislike someone just because she does. Believe me when I say that no one thinks Aliya is a bitch. The Doctor and Jenny very much understand where she stands on the Marion thing, they just don't personally agree. Jenny isn't tired of her attitude, actually, but Jenny knows that she's seen more of Marion than Aliya has and therefore finds her viewpoint a little frustrating. And you're not wrong, Aliya has every reason to hate Marion. Just like Marion has a lot of reasons to have issues with Aliya. The real question is going to be just how much they decide hanging on to those sentiments is worth it. I suppose you'll have to tune in for Chapter 37 and find out!