A/N: Ok, I'm blaming computer and Internet failure for the supreme lateness of this part.

Silverrain: I have to thank your muses for whacking some sense into you. I was worried you almost felt sorry for Zeus.

Sarah Black: Cerberus and the lions will be getting more screen time. I have a cute lil' sub-plot going here…We all wish Seph could stay with Hades, but circumstances aren't that nice. Everyone seems to think Bremos is gorgeous! Yes, he's the son of Hades, he has the good-looking genetics, but I'd be pretty interested to see how everyone else sees him.

Doinkchan: Two reviews! As for Zeus…

Jurious: Rhea is the coolest mother possible. Raising Zeus, Poseidon and Hades by herself and without strangling all of them already establishes her credentials.

Wanderer: You went to my website? Have you been blinded forever by my hideous use of HTML?

Worldtraveler: Of course Rhea will have an effect on the King of the Gods. She hasn't had a Mother's Day card from him for a few thousand years. The bump will be born soon; I just want to indulge in some therapeutic Zeus-torture first.

Exploding Snap: I'm not kidding. The blankets are two different shades of blue that match Hades' flames exactly. Very weird.

VMorticia: Rant all you want. Draco, relax. I'm still getting plenty of mileage out of the nickname. And thank you, but I've stopped cultivating the botanical crockery. I just cultivate botanical mugs now.

Carmilla de Lestace: I'm not intending to write any more Hercules spin-offs at the mo, but then again, I only ever think about ten minutes into the future anyway. Only one complaint about the nickname so far…'Hadey-Wadees' stays. End of story.

Twilight: Rhea finding out about the little taking over Olympus bit…I sense a good clip round the ear may be in the works.

YunCyn: Hummus…it involves a lot of chickpeas and frankly tastes revolting, but my mother loves it. Go figure.

Firebird234: Psychological torture won't even cover how badly Zeus is gonna suffer…

Skidlebop: I watch the movie and TV show semi-religiously and I have a very overactive imagination. Hence the lovely Hades-torture.

(Blank): I will take that as a compliment.

Hades: You just took up a whole page answering your reviews.

Melora: So?

Hades: That means there's more maniacs out there than I first thought.

Melora: Those 'maniacs' keep me from committing suicide out of sheer boredom.

Hades: Do they realise the torture they're inflicting on the world?

Melora: One more word and I'll let VMorticia's muse torture you.

Hades: You make one perfectly innocent observation and this is what happens.

Disclaimer: This list is getting bloody ridiculous. I own Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Agony, Torment, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Nike, Voluptas, Rhea, Panthera, Leo and the bump. Anything cool that isn't mine belongs to Disney.

/.../ denotes thoughts

I Won't Say It: Part 36

De-hummussed and in a slightly better mood, Hades was almost enjoying having his mother fussing over him.

The palace was actually clean for the first time since Seph had left, the imps were off trying (and presumably failing) to prevent an interspecies conflict, and Rhea was even fixing some food up for him.

The 'almost', predictably, had come from the little detail of his attempted Olympian takeover. Not that it would do much to his position as Mommy's Favourite Boy.

Then again, considering the competition for Mommy's Favourite was the original Poster Boy for Infidelity and an overweight scaly fish guy, it wasn't that much of a contest.

'FOOD!!'

The small paranoid fit took a coffee break while the Lord of the Dead dragged himself through to the kitchen. Even in the midst of depression, he wasn't about to turn down his mother's cooking.

Even if he hadn't eaten mashed worms since he was six.

Nursing a goblet of reheated nectar, Rhea sighed as she watched her youngest son pick at his food. Considering his normally more than expansive appetite, if he wasn't eating properly, something was wrong.

If he was busy turning the remains of his mashed worms into a freeform sculpture of a skull, then something was badly wrong.

'It isn't just Persephone, or her pregnancy. There's still something you're not telling me.'

/Oh, how I love female intuition. Not./

Stabbing his fork into his sculpture and pushing his plate away, Hades risked a glance at Rhea. He recognised The Look immediately.

And it wasn't just The Look.

It was The Look with all the ominous italics.

The Look that meant either way, he was stuck. His older brothers had been on the wrong end of The Look too many times for him to remember, normally after they'd done something so stupid that it made Cronus look like a calm, rational, sensitive and thoughtful adult.

To tell or not to tell…eeesh.

'Ok, I know after being round you and Seph never to say 'promise you won't get mad'. How'd you feel about 'try not to pull a Priam on me'?' (1)

'So it's that good then?'

'Depends how you look at it.' Hades cringed and braced himself for a bruised ear for the next week.

'You heard about the thing with the Titans sorta getting released and tryin' to take over Olympus, overthrow Zeus, yadda yadda?'

The goddess of fertility frowned. It had been difficult not to hear about that little incident. At the time, she had simply pitied the poor idiot who had released the Titans…

Wait…

He hadn't…

He hadn't!!

The look on her son's face confirmed it.

He was the guilty party.

Hades resisted the temptation to squeal in pain as his mother grasped his ear and tried to twist it off his head.

'What in the name of Olympus were you trying to do!? You know how dangerous the Titans are!! You know how much they hate the gods!! If they hadn't been defeated, they could have destroyed the Earth!! For Gaia's sake, did you want to be eaten again!? Did you even know what I went through when you and Po-po were taken from me!? Don't you remember what the wars were like!?'

Pause to get some air.

'Do you even remember what Zeus had to do to free you and Po-po!? Didn't you realise the rest of the Titans can't be trusted!? For all you know, they could've overthrown you and released your father from Tartarus!! Didn't you bloody well think of the consequences!?'

Rant part one, over. Pause to try and defend actions.

'Can I have my ear back yet?'

/Smooth. Real smooth./

'Please?'

This was going to be lots and lots of fun!!

Two kitties to chase!! Two kitties!!

This would take all of his stealth and cunning to pull this off. The kitties wouldn't know what hit them if he did this right.

Cerberus crouched, all three heads focussed on the two lions pretending not to listen in on the one-sided shouting match going on in the palace.

In true doggie-stealth fashion, he was hidden behind a rock, six eyes peering over the slimy surface at his target. Whenever the lions looked round, the guard-dog shut his eyes. If he couldn't see the kitties, then they couldn't see him.

Two things were hindering his stalking attempts rather than helping it.

Firstly, his butt was sticking up into the air, tail wagging at roughly two hundred miles an hour.

Second, the rock he was hiding behind was about three feet wide and six feet high.

But at least the kitties couldn't see him if he couldn't see them!!

Panthera and Leo shared a weary look. They already knew the Lord of the Dead was more of a dog person. Cerberus's appointment as guard-dog of the Underworld was no surprise to them. But the mutt was living, breathing, barking, and indeed slobbering proof that there was little hope for the canine race.

The lioness glanced over at the overexcited dog. Three heads and not a brain in any of them.

The tail looked a bit more promising though.

Leo stretched his claws out, leaving inch-deep scratch marks in the blackened stone. 'Teaching him a little lesson would count as exercise both in body and in diplomatic relations.'

'Do you want to have to explain to Rhea and Hades why his dear mutt might be spending at least a week at the vet?'

'Justifiable retaliation. He started it.'

Panthera glanced over at the hopelessly overconfident canine tableau and back at her mate. 'He wouldn't last long if you simply attacked him head on. You're a cat, remember? We do subtle, yet deadly.'

Leo recognised that look. 'Cat chess?' (2)

'Now you've got the picture.'

A long-suppressed primeval memory was making itself comfortable in Zeus's head as he took in what his nephew and grandson were saying.

Not his mother.

Anything but his mother.

He fought his first instinct, which was to start gibbering insanely and hide under his throne.

He hadn't spoken to his mother ever since he became king of the gods. And a Titaness like Rhea was more than capable of holding a grudge.

Especially over the division of the cosmos incident.

And the marriage comment.

And the many forgotten birthdays, Mother's Days, tributes…

This was turning out to be a very bad day.

This was turning out to be better than he had previously imagined.

Bremos didn't even try to hide his smirk. Watching Zeus turn the colour of sour goat's milk was something he'd be mentally replaying for quite some time.

Next stage: inform his mother. At least she'd find it funny.

If there was any hope that her son would ever miraculously transform into a sane and semi-functional member of the pantheon, this little scheme appeared to rule it out completely.

Persephone managed to stop giggling long enough to breathe as Bremos calmly recapped the chain of events from Crete onwards. She just wished she could've seen Zeus's face.

Sadly not to be. The morning sickness was still going strong, and moving any further than the bathroom was out of the question.

'So where's Rhea now?'

'In the basement trying to prevent Dad from becoming an irreversible manic-depressive.'

'Ah, a woman after my own heart.' A small grin started to spread over her face. She was getting quite curious to meet the only other woman who could control Hades.

'Least she ain't a woman after your own stomach.'

'Hey, do not insult the pregnant lady who has ultimate control over your curfew. And anyway, you try having a kid crowding up your gut and see how you cope.'

The god of the undead pretended to think about it. 'Thanks for the offer, but I'll leave that to the future mother of my children.'

'From what I've heard, you and Nike have a long way to go before children enter the equation.'

'Muuuhh…how did…whaaaa…Moooooooom!!'

Persephone shrugged, ignoring the twinge of nausea.

'Simple mother's intuition. That and you always get a remarkably soppy expression on your face whenever you see her. It's quite sweet really.'

Her son looked more than slightly revolted. 'I do not do mushy stuff. Dad does the occasional weird look, but that's about it. And even then it's gross.'

'Trust me. Once you and Nike get together, you will be doing soppy looks.'

'Back up a sec. Once we get together?'

'I'd be bloody surprised if you didn't.'

'Aren't you supposed to disapprove and say no girl is good enough for my son?'

'First off, if she can provoke gooey-ness in one of the gods of the Underworld, then I approve. Second, I've known her mother since before Nike was even born. Third, it's supposed to be her father who says 'no boy is good enough for my little girl'.'

'Damn. I was hoping at least for parental disagreement.'

'Good try, but try again.'

If that death grip didn't leave a mark, Hades swore he'd never try to usurp his older brother's throne ever again.

'So, what do you have to say for yourself young man?'

'Does 'ow', 'sorry' and 'I'm twelve hundred years old, I don't wear diapers any more' cover it? C'mon Mom, I'm suffering here. I just want Seph back.'

Rhea sighed.

It was hard being a single mother.

It was even harder when her baby boy finally had a woman in his life besides his mother.

'And that's why, once we get to Olympus, I want to have a talk with Persephone.'

The well-perfected puppy-dog eyes appeared. 'So…I'm off the hook?'

'Almost. But don't think I'll forget about this.'

The mother with a photographic memory. Oy.

The Lord of the Dead felt his features slide instantly into a pout. 'Just get Kelp'n'Brine or Mr. 'Hey You! Get Offa My Cloud!' to remind you if the maternal instinct goes on the fritz.'

A smirk spread over his mother's face. One that even Hades was a little unnerved by.

'Oh, believe me sweetheart. Your brothers will be lucky to remember their own names once I'm through with them. Ten thousand years without even a birthday apparition…'

The phrase 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' seemed like a gigantic understatement at that particular moment.

Most historical accounts of the Grecian world don't exactly cover how Cronus managed to castrate his father Uranus when he was still in the womb. (3)

Ditto the details of the conflict between the canine and feline world.

One three-headed yet utterly brainless guard-dog.

Two giant hyper intelligent lions.

Four demon siblings with absolutely no idea what the hell they were doing.

And that was just for starters.

Olympus wasn't a bad place to have morning sickness. Even if it was too damn far away from Hades.

Persephone rolled over and settled back into the couch, trying to ignore the feeling of her stomach turning cartwheels.

'…Seph? You awake?…'

/You try and get a lie-down and some complete bastard starts trying to torture you…/

'…Seph?'

The goddess of rebirth opened one eye and glanced up at the greyish blue thing above her. 'Leave me alone or I swear I'll projectile-vomit on you.'

A very familiar smirk flashed across the blurred face. 'See, that's where you're going wrong. That's the brat's trick. Now me, I'm the dad. I'm meant to get a smooch instead.'

Fatigue made a fast exit as Seph bolted up from the couch. Bremos was leaning against one of the cloud pillars next to a tall brunette goddess she didn't recognise. At that moment she wasn't concerned with anything except causing some serious oxygen deprivation in her husband.

Apparently Hades had the same idea.

It was too revolting to watch. The god of the undead stifled his urge to shove two fingers down his throat at the sight of his parents joined at the lips.

Rhea lightly cuffed her grandson over the head and glanced at her son and daughter-in-law.

Hades hadn't been exaggerating when he'd told her about Seph. She really wasn't like the other goddesses she'd seen on her way through the palace.

Unlike Poseidon and Amphitrite's marriage where the sea-nymph was definitely the brains of the operation, Hades and Persephone's marriage was equal on both sides. And unlike Zeus and Hera's partnership, there was utter trust and love between husband and wife.

She couldn't help but feel a little jealous.

Cronus had never been the romantic type.

He hadn't exactly been the fatherly type either.

Her attention was drawn down to the tiny life force inside her daughter-in-law. Very strong, and causing a fairly impressive amount of nausea.

First things first. Talk to Persephone, and then have a little 'chat' with her other two boys.

'Chat' meaning Zeus and Poseidon were about to get the maternal lecture of their immortality.

TBC

(1) Priam was the father of Paris of Troy. When he found out from a soothsayer that his son would be the downfall of his kingdom, he tried to kill him. Didn't have much luck, if the Trojan War was anything to go by.

(2) Cat chess is a concept taken from Terry Pratchett's 'The Unadulterated Cat'. If you haven't read it, go do so.

(3) Just for the record, I looked this up. And yes, it's disturbing. And revolting.

Hades: No kidding. And you just had to tell me all the details.

Melora: Is it my fault you have mentally and emotionally disturbed relatives?

Hades: For once, no. And if you go by the myths, I'm the only normal one out of the whole damn lot.

Melora: You were normal once. Weird. So what happened?

Hades: I met you and life suddenly lost all meaning. And normality.