Chapter 36

Smallville

The sun was just coming up as Clark landed at the farm. He left the party and just flew around for hours letting everything sink in. His tuxedo was ruined, much like his life. As he slowly walked up on the porch he couldn't help but notice the front door had been ripped off. Stepped inside the house, he saw Diana just standing there waiting. She was still wearing the same dress from the party. It had taken it's share of damage as well, but she still looked gorgeous in is eyes.

"You could have knocked," he weakly said to her.

"I did," she replied coldly.

"Well, make yourself at home, Diana," Clark said, heading towards the kitchen. She was right behind him.

"You owe me an apology, Kal," she fiercely said to him.

"Is that why you came?"

"Yes."

"All right, I apologize, Diana. Now you have what you want, you can leave. I'm going to have some breakfast," Clark said, opening the fridge.

"You bastard!" she gasped, her anger rising again.

"Just go, Diana, I don't want to fight with you, I'm tired of fighting."

"And to think I thought I knew you," she bitterly said. "I thought you were my friend, but you're just like all the rest."

"Oh, shut up," Clark said in annoyance, slamming the refrigerator door shut. The poor appliance shuttered under the force.

"You dare," Diana hissed, her hands balling up into fists.

"I made a mistake, Diana. I'm truly sorry I hurt you, but that's what it was a mistake." Clark stood and stared at her. Most other times he would have just apologized and practically begged forgiveness, but he was tired of all that. All his life he was the one that had to sit and take it from everyone. He let everyone vent their anger at him, because he was Superman, supposedly strong enough to carry the world on his shoulders. As he looked at the woman he was truly in love with, he knew it was time to stop. He couldn't do this; he could be gracious about letting her have her rant so she could find closure. Closure meant an end, a turning of the page. As he looked at her he realized he wasn't a big enough man to give her that. It hurt too much right now to deal with an ending.

"I've lost my appetite, I'm going for a walk," he sadly said, starting for the door.

"You're not just going to walk away from me, Kal," Diana said, grabbing his arm to stop him. If he noticed this, he didn't acknowledge it, just kept moving towards the door. Diana wasn't going to let go, even as he began to pull her along. She braced her foot against the wall to stop him, but as he continued the wall gave way and she found herself outside, still clinging to him. Her warrior instincts kicked in and with a swipe of her leg at his knees she brought him down. Diana was on her feet quickly, waiting for his response. Clark slowly got up, dusted himself off and then continued to walk away from the house and her.

"I told you you're not going to walk away from me, Kal," she shouted in anger and then tackled him. He didn't struggle against her, even as she pinned him to the ground.

"I'm not going to fight you, Diana," he softly said, just lying there.

"Damn you," she scowled down at him, her anger growing with each moment. She saw him looking up at her, his eyes filled with sadness, but her own pain continued to swirl through her. Tears came to her eyes as she remembered just how much he'd hurt her. She wanted to lash out at him, but he was denying her even that.

"I hate you," she said, her voice a mix of sorrow and anger. The words cut through him like a knife to the heart. He could take almost anything, any pain, but not this, not her hatred.

"I love you, Diana," he found himself saying, if only once, at least he had said it out loud.

"Liar!" She shouted, slapping his face. She pulled off of him and stepped away, trembling as the emotions rushed through her. "How easy those words seemed to come to your lips, Kal, just as easy as the other lies you've told me."

He heard the bitterness and hurt in her voice. Slowly rising to his feet he could think of nothing that would convince her.

"If you believe that, Diana, I guess we have nothing left to say."

He turned and started walking again, but Diana found she couldn't let this go. She couldn't let him leave without knowing why. All the tears and sadness of the last few weeks seem to crystallize in that one question, why? Rushing after him, she grabbed his arm and spun him around to face her.

"Why," she asked with such intensity he expected her to hit him again.

"What does it matter now, Diana? You don't believe anything I say?"

"I want to know!"

When he still didn't answer, Diana slapped him hard across the face, once, twice and then a third time. As she raised her hand to hit him again, Clark reached out and stopped her.

"Enough!"

"Than answer me," she shouted at him.

"I was afraid, all right! Are you satisfied," He finally said, some of his own pain and anger slipping out.

"You were afraid? Of what," she asked, surprised by his answer.

"Of this, Diana," he said softly to her, looking deep into her eyes. Clark released his hold on her arm now. It was as if saying the words took the last bit of energy from him. He slowly lowered himself to the ground and just sat there. As he ran his fingers through his thick black hair, he could feel the tears coming to his eyes. He'd been holding it back for so long, he couldn't do it any more. As Diana stood watching him, she felt some of her anger disappear. When she saw the tears roll down his cheek, her heart sputtered and her own sadness seemed to wash over her.

"Why, Kal? Why did you lie to me," she asked. Her voice softer as the hurt came through.

"I didn't start out to, Diana," he said, not looking at her. "It just happened, I found myself facing you and couldn't think of a way to tell you."

"So you lied."

"Yes, Diana, I lied," Clark admitted. He slowly started to rise, wiping his eyes.

"Why her, Kal, why did it have to be her," Diana asked.

"Because she offered me something I never thought I would have a chance at," he said, looking into her eyes now.

"What?"

"It doesn't matter now, it's over," he said, shaking his head.

"No, tell me, Kal," Diana insisted, grabbing his arm again so he wouldn't walk away.

"She offered me the chance to be completely myself, Diana."

"I don't understand. Are you saying you couldn't be yourself with me," Diana asked.

"No, but that didn't seem like an option at the time," Clark said, blushing a little.

"What do you mean, Kal," Diana asked, confused by his reaction. Clark tried to think of a way to put this delicately, without having to come right out and say it.

"My whole life, Diana, I've always had to be in control, in every situation. I could never just let myself go and enjoy the moment, so to speak," he awkwardly said.

"That still doesn't explain why her? What did she have to offer you that was so tempting, Kal," Diana ventured.

"Sex, Diana, sex," he finally just blurted out, wondering why he always seemed to get in these situations. Diana found herself blushing, as she finally understood what he was talking about.

"Oh," she softly said, feeling her cheeks turning red.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, Diana," he gently said to her.

"No, what? Me? Embarrassed, no, no," she stammered, her face getting redder as she tried to play it off. Clark felt the awkwardness between them and decided to change the subject.

"I think I will have that breakfast after all, why don't you join me, Diana."

"What? Oh, breakfast, okay, I guess," she responded, still a little thrown by his answer. They walked silently towards the house, both deep in thought. Clark went into the kitchen and Diana followed him. As he took out some eggs and a couple of steaks, she stood there watching him. His answers had caught her totally off guard and she wasn't sure what to make of them.

"There's orange juice and coffee, help yourself," he said, setting both on the table. As she started pouring herself a glass of juice, she found she had to ask him the question that was turning over and over in her mind.

"So this was all about sex for you, Kal?"

He really didn't want to have this conversation with her, but knew if they were going to get passed this, he owed her the truth.

"No, Diana, not entirely, but it was an important part," he admitted.

"Oh," she said softly, not looking at him.

"Diana, do you remember after I returned, when we finally talked on the station?"

"Yes."

"I told you how alone I felt before I left, but what I didn't tell you was that I still felt that way when I came back. It seemed there was no place for me. I don't mean as Superman, but as me, just me," Clark told her.

"You had friends, Kal, you could have gone to them," she offered.

"You'd all moved on, Diana," he said, shaking his head. "I'm not asking you to forgive me, that isn't it. I'm just trying to explain, so you'll understand, so you won't hate me."

Diana swallowed as emotions threatened to engulf her again. She looked into his eyes and saw a deep sadness.

"I-I don't hate you, Kal," she told him, knowing it was the truth. "I just don't understand."

"I was lonely, Diana," he admitted. "I know it probably doesn't make sense, but that's what it was. It seemed like I was destined to always be alone or at least that's the way it felt. It's something I've struggled with my whole life. Even when I lived here with Ma and Pa, I felt it. I've always felt different, apart from everyone around me, yet I wanted the same things everyone else did. I know that probably doesn't make any sense to you."

"No, it does, Kal," she admitted, sitting down at the table. "I've felt that same loneliness and I too, thought I was destined to be alone. That's why it hurt so much when I found out about you and Aphrodite."

"Then I'm even sorrier than I was before," he gently said, sitting down across from her. "I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear. It's just that I was lonely and bored and things seemed rather hopeless the first night she came. I was vulnerable and she tempted me. I'm not trying to say she tricked me, or I didn't know what I was doing. That would be a lie. I knew it was wrong, but for that one night I didn't care. It was a chance to feel something, to be myself without worrying about staying in control. I've always been so careful, every moment of every day in my life. Can you imagine what it's like to be offered a chance to not worry?"

"Yes, I can."

"I thought finally I could let myself go and nobody would get hurt. I know now that was an illusion, someone always gets hurt," as he admitted this, the sadness came rushing back. He couldn't look at Diana and turned away. He went back to the stove and finished with the breakfast. He made two plates and set them down on the table in silence. Neither one of them had any appetite so they just picked at the food. It was Diana that spoke first this time.

"All my life, Kal, I've felt different, even on Themyscira. I knew my sisters and mother loved me, but I could tell they thought of me differently then anyone else. It was one of the reasons I wanted to come to the Man's World. I hope that out here I might find someone that would make me feel like I wasn't alone. It took a long time and several mistakes but I finally thought I found that person. That night we had dinner together it was as if my eyes were opened for the first time. I finally admitted to myself that it was you I'd been looking for. Then when I heard about Aphrodite, it just felt like a cruel joke being played on me. Even my Gods had abandoned me and I found myself more alone than ever. The sadness was worse than anything I'd every imagined. I was so angry at everything and everyone, but especially at you. That's why your lie hurt so much, because I realized I was in love with you," she admitted, her voice low and vulnerable. When she finally looked up at him, there were tears in her eyes and in his as well.

"I love you, Diana. I think I have since the moment I met you. I've been fooling myself all this time that we were just friends. I didn't let myself believe it was possible, because of Lois and Bruce and so many other reasons. It was at that same dinner when I looked at you over our coffee that I couldn't deny it any longer. I went to Aphrodite the next day to end things, but you know what happened after that."

Diana felt her heart ache as he described the very moment when she too had realized. It seemed it was their moment after all.

"What now," she asked, looking into his eyes. They held each other's gaze for several moments and then he slowly rose and leaned across the table. Diana sat there as if frozen as he leaned in and kissed her. She felt a rush of heat and passion as his lips felt so good against hers. She seemed to respond instinctively to him, but then pulled away before she lost herself in the kiss.

"No, we shouldn't," she weakly said, shaking her head.

"I'm so sorry, Diana, I know I've hurt you terribly. I would do anything to take your pain away," he said, pulling back from her. She was confused by her feelings, as the kiss had felt so good, but she still had so many doubts.

"Kal, I'm not Aphrodite," she started, trying to say what was running through her head. "I'm not the Goddess of Love. I can't compete with her. She's as near to perfection as you can find, while I'm just an Amazon warrior."

"No, that's not true, Diana," he said, taking her hand is his. "You're so much more than that. You're courageous and honorable, honest, noble, self-sacrificing, kind, talented and caring. You're very special, Diana."

"But she's a Goddess," Diana protested, blushing from his compliments.

"And you're the beautiful, alluring woman that's captured my heart like no other. I'm not in love with Aphrodite, Diana, I'm in love with you,' he said, with all the emotions he was feeling behind it.

"You still slept with her," Diana replied, trying to deflect her embarrassment at all his compliments.

"I'm more than willing to rectify that, Diana," he said with a smile.

"And they say Bruce is the smooth talker," she answered with a smile of her own. He laughed at this, feeling as if some of the weight had been lifted from him. They sat there for a moment just looking at each other. Both could feel the pull the other had on them. As he slowly stood up, she joined him. He stepped over to her and they were only inches apart.

"I love you, Diana, with all my heart."

"I love you, too, Kal, with all my heart," she replied. Tentatively he leaned down and kissed her. It was a gentle kiss, but it was filled with hope. Diana found herself wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him in for more. One kiss leads to another and another. With each one it seemed to grow in intensity and passion. Diana found herself being lost in his embrace, as this felt so different than any kiss she had ever had before. Where kissing Bruce had been pleasant and nice, this, this was so much more. This was intoxicating and mesmerizing. This is what she always dreamed it could be and she hungered for more. It was Clark that finally pulled away. This surprised, Diana, and she was more than a little disappointed.

"What? Don't you want to,' she asked, pressing herself against him.

"Yes, yes, more than you know," Clark fumbled to say, as she was having a major effect on him. "I-I just think we should take this slow, Diana."

Clark managed to step back just enough so their bodies weren't in contact.

"Why," Diana asked, unhappy in his stopping.

"I don't want to mess this up, Diana, it's too important. I want to make sure it's right."

"It felt right to me," she said with a small smile. "You seemed to like it too. Am I wrong?"

"No, no, I definitely liked it, a lot," he admitted, a sheepish grin on his face.

"Then I don't understand, Kal," she said to him. "You say you're in love with me and I've told you I'm in love with you. So what's the problem?"

"Diana, a little while ago you wanted to beat me up. You told me you hated me, remember," he said in exasperation. "Don't you think this is a little fast?"

"I was angry," she said, letting her arms slip from around him. "I said some things out of that anger. I don't hate you, Kal, you know that. I could never really hate you."

"I'm glad to hear that, really I am. I want you more than I can put into words, I just think we should take it slow is all," he offered.

"Why," she asked again.

"Diana, I'm not going anywhere. I know this will be your first time and I want you to be sure about it. I want it to be special," he offered gently.

"If it's with you than it would be special, Kal," she pointed out.

"Diana, I'm trying to be a gentleman, here," he said.

"You're making it complicated is what you're doing," she snidely retorted.

"Don't pout, Diana," he said to her.

"I'm not pouting, I just think you're being unreasonable," she fired back, crossing her arms in front of her.

"I think I'm being very reasonable, considerate even," he defended himself.

"I'm an Amazon, Kal," she said to him. "We believe in keeping things simple. I love you, you love me, and we both know what the next logical step is. Simple."

"I doubt your Mother would agree with you on that," he absently said, wondering how got himself into this conversation.

"Mother doesn't trust any man, so that isn't a fair point, Kal," Diana responded.

"Well, out here in the real world it's called being considerate when you don't want to rush the woman you love," he pointed out to her.

"You didn't seem to have any problem sleeping with Aphrodite that first time," she sarcastically said to him.

"Oh, great, throw that in my face," Clark grumbled. "I can see you're not going to ever let that one go."

"I was making a point, Kal," she defended herself.

"It sounded like an accusation to me, Princess," he said under his breath. She punched in the shoulder as she heard this.

"Still don't hit like a girl," he winced.

"I am a woman, Kal, which you obviously seemed to keep forgetting," she fired back. Clark looked over at Diana and saw she was annoyed. She stood there with a frown on her face, her arms cross in front of her, tapping her foot.

"I can't believe we're having this conversation," he said, shaking his head.

"I can't either," she responded. "I thought you'd want to be with me."

Clark stepped over and put his arms around her. She looked so beautiful to him, even as she pouted.

"Hey, look at me," he said gently to her. Diana reluctantly looked up into his eyes, her mouth still in a frown. "I do want to, Diana, more than anything I've ever wanted in my life. I just believe we should wait. This is all new to both of us and I don't want to mess it up. I love you, Diana. You're my heart's desire."

She softened against him at his words. A smile came to her lips as he said the words she'd so long wanted to hear.

"You're my heart's desire, as well, Kal," she smiled, wrapping her arms around his neck. He kissed her and she felt her body come alive against him. As the kiss deepened, all other thoughts seemed to be swept away. When they finally came up for air, both were breathing heavily.

"Are you sure we have to wait, Kal," she said with a tempting smile.

"Ye-Ye-Yes," he barely managed to say, feeling the desire growing within him.

"How long," she whispered, her lips temptingly close to his.

"Wh-What," he groaned, as she was causing strong reactions within his body and mind.

"How long do we have to wait? A month, a week, a day, an hour, how long, Kal?"

"A-A week," he said and the groaned as she pressed herself harder against him. "May-Maybe a day."

"We've known each other for years, Kal, what would waiting another day accomplish?"

"It would-would give us both time to be sure," he offered, feeling his resistance slipping.

"I'm already sure, Kal," she whispered, kissing along his neck.

"Please, Diana, just a day, one day, is all I'm asking," he begged, not sure how much more he could take.

"Oh, fine," she said, pulling away and looking very unhappy.

"Thank you," he softly said.

"I don't like it, Kal. For someone who says he's in love with me you certainly seemed to be able to resist me," she sourly said. Clark smiled at this and pulled her close.

"It's the hardest thing I've ever done, Diana," he said with a grin. "I promise you it won't happen again."

"Be careful what you promise, Kal, we Amazons have long memories," she playfully replied.

"I stand by my promise," he said, leaning down to kiss her again. She felt so good in his arms that he never wanted to release her. He could feel her passion with each kiss and it only enflamed his more.

"Maybe we don't have to wait a whole day,' he whispered between kisses. Diana smiled at this and kissed him even deeper. She had a feeling she would get her way in the end.