+++++ 5th Angel + 6 : Thursday (35)
Shinji leaned with his elbows on a railing, watching the valley below go about their day as the world carried on. The ceremony was over, the remaining tasks allowing only his daughters to remain with the priests by tradition. Though they had asked if he wanted to stay, Shinji didn't feel right in asserting a claim to being a child of Toshiro's. It was wonderful being supported by him, knowing that he had the man's faith…and it hurt all the more knowing that there might still be some way in which he was responsible for his untimely demise.
"You know," Maya approached, her dress shoes clacking against the ground in order to avoid startling the man she adored, "I never did find out why you weren't wearing a shirt this morning." Leaning next to him against the railing, she followed his gaze, "It seems out of character for you."
What was I to him? "I had nothing clean." Plucking at his dress shirt, he shrugged, "I had intended to do laundry when I got back from Jet Alone, and then…everything. Then a long day of paperwork, of arranging everything, then you showed up. I wasn't going to go into my room again, risk waking you."
"I'm sorry," she turned to consider him. "You've done a great job, Shinji. You've supported them when they needed you most. I know how frustrating it must be, needing answers but not having…privacy. Or time. I'll do what I can to get you information about the L-Nine, about what's happened to Akagi-san." Looking around, she leaned in, "I'll try to find time for you and I to talk, without anyone else. About the 'songs', ok?"
"Captain," Kozo's voice carried a great deal of fatigue, and when he joined them at the railing it seemed as if he'd aged another twenty years, "if you would be so kind as to have them bring the car around. I need to have a few words in private with…Pilot Ikari."
"Of course, sir," Maya saluted crisply and nodded to Shinji before leaving.
Never enough time. Shinji returned to his contemplation of the town below. Whatever it was that the Sub-Commander needed to say, he could say to the side of his head just as easily as he could to the front. There was a flock of birds circling around a tree, their cries to one another barely audible, it made a much more compelling sight than the man that he had failed.
"Your father, the Commander, has much to answer for." Kozo seemed to recognize that Shinji was processing everything in his own way, and left the preamble out, "I would apologize for not being able to protect you, but we both know that apologies ultimately are meaningless. I've been in contact with General Benoit, who has asked that I make certain changes in our command structure for the time being. He has also, however, asked that you and Pilot Ayanami be made available for an inquest."
"I agreed to it," Shinji sighed. "I don't know what they think they'll be able to get from me, since nobody tells me anything, but in order to put people that might be able to protect the Horaki family in place I agreed." He shook his head, "I didn't agree to having Rei-san there, though. I wouldn't have."
"I know," the old professor seemed to think for a moment. "I'm going to ask something personal, Pilot, if I may?"
He thinks I'm angry at him. He thinks that I'm angry at anyone but him. "I don't blame you, sir." Shinji's hands clenched on the railing, his anger roiling in his gut, "There's only one person to blame, and he'd never have bothered asking me if he could speak to me person-to-person." Finally turning to face the man he was speaking with, he stood tall, a crash of thunder rolling across the sky, "Please. Just…did my father order Toshiro-san killed?" I'll march into his office and tear his head from his body.
It was Kozo's turn to gaze out into the village as he spoke, "No. While I can…easily, see that you would think him willing to resort to any means necessary to accomplish his goals, he is not the kind of man that would murder someone just because you discovered him spying on you." Turning his head to face the young pilot, he smiled sadly, "He's cooperating, as much as he's ever cooperated, with the same inquest you are. There were a series of…gross miscommunications regarding your trip to the Proving Grounds."
Shinji's hands went cold. The mid-day sky freezing him despite the heat.
"The Commander assumed that there would be security personnel travelling with you. The two Agents that have grown familiar with you, Mikoto-san and Akane-san? He had approved their presence, to provide security during the train trip for you and Doctor Akagi. The orders, however, went through Section Two. Section Two discussed the trip with Akagi, who declined to involve them citing their failures to date." Kozo looked back out towards the village, "When he discovered that not only had they been left behind, but that he hadn't been informed of the decision, he terminated the Head of Section Two. The Sub-Section Head as well."
He couldn't believe it, "No…."
"He will never be 'father of the year', but he will also never take shortcuts with your physical well-being, Shinji. You are far too important, not only to the world…but to him." Sighing, he righted himself, "But that's not what we're here to discuss. I wanted to ask you, if I may," turning to look at the taller youth, Kozo's lip curled in a slight smile, "to please take care of the Horaki girls. I wish I could be more of a presence in their lives, that I wasn't legally required to live at my desk, but with everything that's going on I'm not going to be there for them."
He wasn't murdered. "It…was just an accident." His cheek twitched, the only visible sign that he was animate.
"Stupid, senseless, idiocy, Shinji. It was no 'accident', it was someone intentionally putting their own comforts ahead of those of the rest of mankind." Kozo reached over, patting Shinji's arm, "The driver has been found. They'll be tried, face justice, and…it will never be enough for me. A good man, Shinji, was killed by drunken idiocy." Spying motion beyond the young pilot, he sagged, "I need to go. If we're going to have everything in place to save the world, I need to stop prioritizing my own selfish needs." Bowing politely, he walked past Shinji towards the waiting car, "Take care of them, Shinji. You're the only person in the world I trust to."
All of the subsumed rage, the unflinching anger that he had directed at the one man he knew could have done the unthinkable, shifted. Now there was nothing for him to tether it to, and the Song of Thunder became confused. He couldn't be angry at Ritsuko, she couldn't control herself. She'd been changed beyond anything resembling normal. He couldn't be angry at his father…the man had not only done far more than he'd imagined him doing, he'd done far less than he'd feared. There was nothing, now. No place to sequester the burning hatred, nowhere to direct the symphony. Clenching his fist as if he were massaging the heart of the planet itself, his head began to twitch as the muscles of his neck bunched, the desire to do something destructive becoming uncontainable.
"Excuse me," a young woman spoke from nearby.
Shinji flicked his eyes over to the speaker, recognizing her as the shrine maiden who had stood in the back observing the ceremony, "I-I'm sorry." He swallowed, trying to force the anger away enough to be civil to the person who attempted to help bring solace to his housemates, "I shouldn't…."
"Anger is a perfectly rational response to the loss of someone you care for," she took a slow step closer. "It is often said that nobody is alone in experiencing a death, though it remains an intensely personal journey." Her long, straight, black hair glowed in the day's light, "Forgive me, I haven't yet introduced myself." Bowing simply, she spoke once she raised back straight again, "My name is Rei Hino, I have the honor to tend to the spirits of this place."
"Shinji Ikari," he bowed in return, a far jerkier movement than he'd managed in the recent past. His anger and despair were forcing him to think about what he did, which was preventing his form from accomplishing with grace what it was that he intended.
"Ikari-san," another step put her close enough to reach out and touch him should she choose, "it is no great leap of logic to say that you are highly agitated. Though I feel that perhaps the loss of the departed is not the sole contributing factor. I find that when I am angry, or do not know what to do, that I do best with a walk around the grounds. The young women who hold your heart in their hands will be some time still with my grandfather and the other priests," she gestured regally towards the path surrounding the temple, "please, accompany me."
The decision was made when he realized it would be rude to deny her request, and while he was quivering with the effort of corralling his wrath, he wouldn't allow himself to be impolite. A single step towards the direction she'd indicated was enough to set her in motion as well, and he soon fell in step alongside of the placid stranger.
"Do you keep to the faith of your nation, Ikari-san?" Her eyes remained on the path ahead, her tone soothing.
"I…wasn't really taught much of it." More like none of it.
"A shame. For some, religion is a great help during trying times. Though, considering your vocation, it might also be said that a degree of agnostic leaning wouldn't be remiss." She nodded, "Am I wrong to say that you would agree that there is more than what can be touched at work in the world?"
"No," he shook his head, "I know that there's more to the world around us than what we can see. I just…."
She covered for his pause, "The ordering of the disorderly, it can be difficult to express the sentiments sometimes." Holding out her hand, she seemed to summon a raven from the trees above, "There are things that happen that seem to have no purpose, perhaps other than to prove the purposelessness of life itself."
The raven appeared to eye Shinji, tilting its head one way, then the other. Clacking its beak a few times, it hopped along the young priestess' arm until it was comfortably riding on her shoulder opposite her head from him. A few flutters of its wings to put its feathers in place followed, the creature then calmed and seemed to become almost inanimate.
"You have a pet raven," Shinji deadpanned, amazement and bemusement dominating his mind.
"I have a friend, who happens to be a raven," she corrected. "Two, actually. Though the other is keeping watch over the funerary rights." Her hands were once more folded before her, as a proper lady would expect, "I suffered a dear loss once, a good woman I had for a time thought to be the greatest threat to my peace of mind. She fashioned adventure after adventure, saving many people despite somehow creating havoc in the doing…." A small smile curled her lips, "My school years did not lack for entertainment."
Shinji found that he couldn't quite place her age, and knew it was far too rude to ask. "I'm sorry for your loss."
"Do not be," she inclined her head slightly, "she died a hero. A man we thought our…ally, his spirit became unbalanced. Over the course of two nights he murdered…four young women, and it was only her actions that brought him down. She sacrificed herself because the authorities either could, or would, do nothing." Pausing at a sharp turn, she looked up at the young pilot, "You would have been an ally of hers…in another life."
He blinked, realizing that his anger had earlier melted away to only now be replaced by confusion, "I…don't know how useful I would be to someone as brave as her, Hino-san."
"Bravery is simply just the willingness to accept fear without giving it the freedom to do what it will." Her head tilted slightly to the side, "It is odd to hear you speak of bravery as a foreign concept, Ikari-san. Few would willingly accept the burden of defending the planet from skyscraper-sized monsters, to wear as armor a beast capable of such devastation as few have ever witnessed and lived. Fewer still would hide that it was they who fought when people came around to heap praise upon the victor." Her smile became rueful as she faced him fully, "Even fewer would eschew the affections of a host of eager young women smitten with lust."
Shinji frowned, mirroring her movement, "I…how do you know that? Any of that?"
"You are not alone, Shinji Ikari." She reached over and lightly touched his chest, over his heart, "There are others in this world, in other worlds, that struggle as you do. I wish I could tell you more, that I could share with you what it is that I have seen, but the words will not come."
"B-but you know?!" He reached up, timidly touching her forearm, "You can see what's happening to me?"
"It is not your fault." Her calm reserve faded slowly, "You have given everything you can think of, despite your youth. You are a child being asked to act as a man…and such a man as you has succeeded far beyond an uncountable number of your peers, or those that would claim to be your betters." A stream of tears began to leak from her eyes, "I am sorry, I…I…." Rubbing her eyes stiffly, she opened them again to reveal a joy that confused him further, "I know, now. Thank you, Shinji-kun."
"Th-thank…for what?"
"For being the kind of man you are, in any world you are in." Her smile matched her eyes, "You will one day come face to face with the multitudes again, in that great and terrible beast you pilot from. The shadows of what was, is, and will be. Do not judge them, or yourself, by what has been, or may come to be in other worlds."
His blood ran cold, the final proof that she knew far more than she should laid bare. The fight against the Fourteenth!
Her raven cawed, flapping its wings twice before taking off. "Make this world better, Shinji-kun, do not cling to the world you came from. Any world can be a paradise, if only good and steady people strive to make them so. The Shinji Ikari we know and love is more than good, greater than steady. In this world, Horaki-chan is fortunate indeed." Propping herself up on her toes, as graceful as any ballet dancer, she pressed a kiss to his lips, "If you someday find yourself in a land you don't recognize, beset by five young idiots, forgive them. I promise you…we'll never let you regret that."
"Mister Ikari?" A masculine voice drew his attention away from the young priestess, one of the people assigned to protect the Horaki family stood several paces back, calmly assessing the area as he carried the message for Shinji, "Miss Horaki is waiting. She asked if you were ready to leave?"
"I, uhm," he turned back to his temporary conversational partner, only to find an empty trail ahead. Looking around quickly, he could see no sign of her, nor any sign that she'd been on the walkway with him. "I was…."
"I talk to myself too, sir," the man shrugged. "When I have things I need to hear, but don't want others to worry over. My wife used to say it was a bad habit, but I think it's just a way of keeping things in perspective." Shifting so that Shinji could walk back the way he'd come, he smirked, "Don't worry, part of the service is keeping this kind of stuff to ourselves."
"Y-yes," She was right here, "thank you." I heard her. I felt her.
"To be honest," the man took up a position to his side as they walked along, "it makes me feel a little better knowing that you do it too. If the guy responsible for piloting a gigantic robot against even bigger aliens talks to himself from time to time, I clearly can't be that bad for doing it."
Shinji just nodded, contemplating what he'd just seen as they moved along the trail. The journey back was far shorter, the two men moving with a purpose and not simply to free their mind from the grip of anger. As they approached the temple proper, he spied Hikari speaking quietly with the head priest as Kodama crouched talking soothingly to a sorrowful Nozomi. I guess…maybe I did need to talk myself down. They don't need me angry right now. Nodding to the agent as he parted ways, Shinji approached Hikari to apologize.
The caw of a raven preceded the bird alighting on his shoulder, clacking its beak and stomping its claws until it had a solid grip. "Phobos," the aged voice of the priest sighed with long-suffering patience, "do not startle the young man. He's just visiting."
Another caw, accompanied by an irritated flap of the bird's wings, brought a frown to the priest's face.
"It's ok, sir," Shinji looked cautiously at the raven. "I think I met his…friend, earlier."
"Deimos?" The priest nodded, misunderstanding, "I see. I see."
Phobos tilted his head so that he could stare at Shinji, You are not alone, Shinji Ikari.
"Hello Phobos-san," Hikari came up to the bird, bowing politely, "I need my boyfriend. Would it be all right if we left? We have much to get done today." She startled slightly as Deimos came to a gentle landing on her shoulder, "Oh…dear." Showing no fear, only a mild concern that she might unintentionally injure the creature, she looked between it and its partner.
The old priest grimaced in acceptance, seeming to berate himself for missing a sign. "Children," he moved towards the pair, "I know that no words of condolence can truly banish the pain you feel, and that this is not the day to speak of glad tidings, so I would ask that when you have time…come visit. I'd like to share with you my granddaughter's story," he looked at Shinji, gauging his apparent age and missing the mark widely, "she'd likely have been about your age. About to graduate college, start her duties in earnest." A pained smile came to his lips, "If I understand these two busybodies correctly…she would have liked to help with your wedding."
"I'm sorry, honored sir," Shinji inclined his head politely, not wanting to bow with the raven on his shoulder, "I'm afraid my mind was…elsewhere when you introduced yourself. What did you say your name was?" Was this her father's father?
"This is Hino-san," Hikari re-introduced the priest, now ignoring the fact that she was perched upon. "Hino-san, this is my boyfriend, Shinji Ikari."
"Hino-san…." Shinji looked to Hikari, then between Phobos and Deimos, "I would like that, honored sir." Any world can be a paradise…. "Especially if one day I'm lucky enough to earn her favor in marriage." Hikari's face lit up beautifully, the simple comment brightening her mood immeasurably. "But I do need to get them home. If I don't start dinner soon, Nozomi-chan will be late in getting to bed."
"Of course, of course," the elderly priest clapped his hands, summoning the two birds from their respective shoulders. "Please, may the spirits keep you all safe on your journey home. And again, my condolences on your loss." Bowing easily despite the ravens moving about on his shoulders, the man turned and walked back into the temple.
"Nii-san," Nozomi tugged on Shinji's coat sleeve, "you had a bird on your shoulder." The littlest Horaki's energy was tempered with sadness, her usual exuberance nowhere to be seen.
"I did," Shinji crouched so that he was closer to eye level with the much shorter girl, "I think he was trying to tell me something." Spying movement just past Nozomi's head, he saw Rei Hino sitting on the railing in the distance, a sad, joyful, smile on her lips, "That even though bad things happen, they only have power if we let them. That we need to fight to make the world better, because the people that pass on before us are always watching to make sure we do what we can."
"That's right," Kodama hugged Nozomi from behind, "Daddy and mom are always with us, Sprout. They're cheering for us with all their might, and if we listen hard enough we can hear it."
He saw the ghost of the priestess blow him a kiss, fading away with a look of contentment that seemed far more familiar than he could understand. I guess this is just one of those things. Scooping up Nozomi, he held her close, It can't be much more odd than travelling forward to go back in time. Who knows what other lives I've lived. "Let's go home."
+++++ 5th Angel + 6 : Thursday (35)
"Shinji," Hikari was helping her boyfriend clean up the dishes after the first quiet family meal since Toshiro's passing, "what was it like?" She carried the glasses behind him into the kitchen, "Travelling through time?"
He gave it some thought, "…Sudden." Nodding to the word's merit, he ran the faucet to begin filling the sink, "One minute I'm out of battery power while fighting the Fourteenth Angel, speaking with…something. And then, I'm here. Standing by the pay phone trying to call Misato-san as the Third Angel tears through the city defenses, just as I was the first time." He narrowed his eyes, trying to dig through the grime of his memories, "I…know something happened between…." He shook his head, "I can't remember, though. It's like trying to remember the name of an actor. I can tell you the important parts, but I can't spit out the name, it's on the tip of my tongue but it won't fall off."
"So it wasn't painful?" Accepting the first of the cleansed dishes, she worked the towel around it to dry off the water before placing it in the appropriate cupboard, "That's good."
"If it was, I don't remember the pain," Shinji frowned. "I'm sorry, I can't remember, but I don't want to guess. It's too much like lying." He smiled when he felt her kiss his cheek suddenly.
"Don't fret over that, my silly Shinji. I know you'd never intentionally mislead me, besides," she giggled, "you're worse at lying than Nozomi." Shinji's phone rang, the tone indicating it was Misato, "I'll get that. Your hands are all wet and soapy." Reaching into his back pocket, she pulled out the phone and tapped the interface, "Hello, this is Shinji Ikari's personal secretary." She paused for a time, her smile sliding towards laughter, "He's washing the dishes, if you need I can put the phone to his ear?" Nodding slowly, she walked over to the nearby counter where a pad of paper was laid out with a nearby pencil, "Mm-hmm, I'll make sure he knows." Another small pause, "No, please, no worries. The world doesn't come to a halt because…bad things happen. If he's not ready the next time, I might lose him too. I'd rather suffer a little now, than…suffer for the rest of my life." Wiping a stray tear with her thumb, she forced a smile that the woman on the other end never saw, "Thank you, Misato-san. I appreciate that you were able to spend some time at the funeral, and please pass along my gratitude to Rei-san. I know that she's just as busy." Another pause, "Mm-hmm, good night."
As soon as she hung up, Shinji asked warily, "They're ready for testing?"
She read from her note, "Tomorrow, ten hundred, at the gantries." Smiling sadly, she began catching up with the drying, "She took me to task for calling myself your secretary. Said that it was 'beneath my abilities and dignity', she said I'd be an executive assistant, if nothing else, and that I should aim far higher than that."
"She's right," Shinji agreed easily. "You should aim as high as you can, Hikari. You have a brilliant mind, a kind heart, and the entirety of my support behind you." Looking over at her, he gave the first genuine smile he'd felt in ages, "I'd love to see you succeed at whatever you want to succeed at the most. To know that you'd reached your dreams…it'd mean more to me than anything."
"My dreams?" She pursed her lips, and tilted her head, looking up at the ceiling, "Whatever I wanted, hmm?"
He nodded eagerly, "Yeah, anything!" The hope that she'd have a long-term goal in mind, something that he could help her realize, thrilled him. He could walk behind her as she blazed a trail to success, supporting her as she needed, or simply standing back and observing greatness at work. Either way it would be worth it, to him, to be in her presence as she shared her glory with the world.
Striking a pose, she declared, "What if I wanted to be an idol?"
"We could find a talent manager, someone who wouldn't ask you to do…bad things," he'd heard too many stories of young women forced into taking jobs that they didn't want. He'd help her avoid that as much as she'd let him.
Putting the cup away, she turned like she was holding a gun, "Or a detective?"
"There should be several academies nearby," Shinji's eyebrow knit as he thought through the likely means of enabling success there. "I know that law enforcement became a desperately needed profession following Second Impact, and it still hasn't reached full capacity."
"What about if I wanted to be an astronaut?" She took the next plate, a clear glass dish that she held before her like an odd spacesuit helmet.
"If it's what you wanted," he shrugged, "I think that most astronauts start out in the military."
An odd look crossed her face as she lowered the plate, "You really would let me go where you couldn't follow, wouldn't you?"
"If it's what you wanted," Shinji nodded simply. "It's…it's like that popular English saying that Kawakami Sensei mentioned, 'If you love something very much, let it go. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. If it never does, it was never yours to begin with.' If I love you…I need to let you do what you want to do, or it was never meant to be."
Her eyes softened as she smiled gently, "So you'll let me do what I want to do?"
"Yes. I love you, Hikari. I don't know what that truly means sometimes, because I've never…never loved someone before." Setting a dish back in the water, half cleaned, he leaned forward against the counter, "And it's not like I have the best example to go by, either. My father sent me to live with…a man that…." Closing his eyes, he shook his head, "Everything is either 'perverted' or 'unnecessary', and all I can think to do is the opposite of what he'd do, but I don't even know what he did!" Letting his head fall back, he groaned, "Loving you may have cost you your father, Hikari. I'm-"
"Make love to me."
Shinji's world came to a screeching halt, "…sorry?"
"You said, just now, that you'll let me do what I want." Looking up at him, she ran her hand along his arm, "I want, Shinji, to become one with you." Another tear leaked free from her eye, ignored by her yet another knife in his heart, "Tomorrow a training accident could take you away from me. Tomorrow when you go to practice, you could be hit by a car. A million things could happen in life, Shinji, and I don't want to look back and regret that when I had the chance to love you with all of my heart…."
"I-it's j-just," What do I do?
"I want to marry you, Shinji." She beamed a smile through her tears, "All month I've been fighting myself, because I know that you don't know what you want out of life. I've been telling myself again and again that I need to be patient, that I need to let you come to terms with life, that my love is meaningless if it's not reciprocated." She laughed derisively, shrugging and throwing her hands up, "I know now exactly how mom felt. Waiting for a good man to come to grips with what they are." Palming her eyes, she wiped away the warm liquid, "I never thought it was possible, but here we are."
"B-but I'm not," Shinji shook his head. "I…I ran away, Hikari. Every chance I got, I ran. From Eva, from combat, from life, I ran and hid! I put my headphones in and buried myself in the same playlist on the S-DAT I carried everywhere." Wringing his hands, he looked down in dismay at the soapy water that now adorned his front, "I…damn it. I'll get a towel."
"Stop," Hikari interposed herself between him and the cabinet. "No more distractions." Taking him by the arm, she pulled him past the stairs, towards his room. "You and I are figuring this out. Sis," she looked to the couch, where the eldest Horaki was helping the youngest with schoolwork, "my boyfriend and I are not to be disturbed."
"I'll keep her out, nee-san," Nozomi waved airily. "I'm having a hard time with this lesson anyway."
"She was talking to me, Sprout," Kodama flicked her sister's ear.
Nozomi stuck her tongue out, "Yeah, but I'm not going to go in there while they're kissing. That's rude."
The door briskly shut behind him as he was pushed into the room. Turning, he saw Hikari standing with her arms crossed and her toe tapping as she thought. "What is your main opposition to us moving forward?"
Shinji boggled, "I…you…."
"Focus," she leaned forward enough that her position was clear. She was serious about finding the problem and attacking it.
"Yes, ma'am." Shinji stood straighter, recognizing the Class Rep from before in the one that stood before him now.
Striding past him to his chair, she sat down and folded her hands in her lap, "Let's get to the essence of your struggles. What are the top issues, Shinji. What is it that stops you from feeling like you and I should move forward?"
Looking towards his hamper, Shinji pulled out a towel and worked the soap and water from his hands, "Y-you just lost your father."
"And you have been here to help me through that," Hikari shrugged, confused. "Shinji, you and I marrying isn't going to make him any more or less dead. Yes, I hurt. Yes, I miss him dearly. No, I'm not over it. Even though all of that is true, I know he wouldn't want me to wallow in misery. And, even more important, I know he'd be happy that I have a man he trusted here to hold me at night when I start to cry."
"B-but, isn't it…disrespectful?" Shinji looked down and to the side, "Seeking…pleasure…."
"No." Hikari raised her finger to point at him, "You are not being perverted by thinking of me like that, and he wouldn't want us to stop being intimate because he isn't here any longer." Lowering her hand back down, she raised her chin slightly, "Now, what else is there?"
"You…." Trust. "He died because I came back, Hikari." Swallowing, he looked back at his girlfriend, "Even if…even if my father didn't order him killed, where I came from he was still alive."
Hikari sighed, shaking her head sadly as she stood, "I see." Two quick steps brought her to him, her hands on either side of his face, "I need you to listen, Shinji. I need you to not only hear the words I use, but take them to heart. Can you do that? Can you promise that you'll put them," she patted over his heart, "here?"
"I-I'll try," he nodded eagerly, wanting nothing more than to please the woman before him.
With each word she slapped her hand on his chest, "You. Did. Not. Kill. My. Father." Her gaze remained gentle, her words impassioned but kind, "If even the slightest bit of time travel theory is true, by coming back there was literally nothing you could do to improve your life without changing everything. You show up early for school, you save me. You save me, Kodama finds you. Kodama finds you, she saves you from Misato's peculiarities. By saving you from Misato, Misato changes to become a better person. By changing, she saves Rei. By saving Rei…who knows? Maybe one day, Rei will save your life."
You were to be driven slowly insane and I was to help you die. The memory of Rei's words echoed through Hikari's.
"But there had to be consequences beyond that, Shinji," she continued. "You can't change where you stand without displacing air, and moving enough air can cause even further changes. It's all chaos past a certain point, with unintended consequences piling up where you never expected them." Her laugh was self-deprecating, "You saved me, Shinji. Where you're from, I never helped a young man that needed my help more than anything else. I kept pursuing Toji," she rolled her eyes, "Sakura never walked again. How much, Shinji? How much good do you have to do to feel like the chaos that follows isn't your fault?"
"B-but…."
"No, Shinji. No buts." She pinched the flesh of, and tugged on, his cheek, "He was my father, Shinji. If I don't blame you, there is nobody on this planet that has the right to!" Holding his face on the one side, she narrowed her eyes, "This doesn't work with you. You don't feel pain."
"Shrry," he lisped out.
"You should be," she faux-pouted. "Taking away a woman's one power, so rude." Pulling him down, she kissed him thoroughly. After a pleasurable few moments, she rolled her forehead against his, "What else, Shinji? What else is stopping us?"
"…Doubt." He thrilled in her touch, in knowing that despite everything she loved him. He couldn't be certain he believed her about her father, nor could he so casually dismiss his death, "I…I know a woman like you can do better."
"I know I can't," she smiled sadly. "I can't name one man that I've ever met who puts such a high value on living for others. Even my father indulged in guilty pleasures, Shinji. Those chips you bought him? They were horrible for him, and he never ate them because when he saw how you acted, he knew he had to be better." Settling back, she searched his eyes, "I'll never find a better man, Shinji. This…what I feel, it isn't hormones. It isn't adolescent nonsense. This is a once-in-a-lifetime gift from whatever force that sent you back in time."
Careful, the gentle whisper cautioned, the one who spoke to you in battle isn't interested in benefiting any but herself. This woman before you is correct in that she truly loves you. But understand that she ascribes to charity what was only accomplished through malice.
"Wait," Shinji spoke aloud before thinking, "I…uhm…."
You. Are. An idiot. The dark voice sighed, How is it that you still manage to mess this up?
Tell her you love her, Shinji. Do whatever comes naturally from there. The gentle whisper ignored her counterpart, I only wish for you to be aware of the truth. And to know that we'll be missing for some time. We have opportunities to take advantage of.
With the voices' departure came a sense of absence. An emptiness he'd never felt before, even when they'd been quiet for long stretches. "I…." I need to recover this. May as well do what she said I should, "I love you."
"That's nice," Hikari tittered. "But it's not going to get you out of this." Crossing her arms again, she drew her authority around her like a cloak, "We've slain the silly notion that you had anything to do with my father's death, and we've dismissed the silly notion that in death he'd wish us to remain apart. I not only can't, but I flatly refuse to, do better than you. So, what else?"
Do what comes naturally? Shinji pondered, I…guess I just be honest. "What happens when you regret ever being with me?"
"The world ends," she shrugged. "Because that's just as likely…more so, actually. Even if you fail, Shinji. If you die because you can't beat the Angels again. I'll die knowing I loved a good man. I'll be sad that it ended, not angry that you couldn't keep beating the odds. I'll look for you on the other side, not curse you as I die. In death I'll pray that we're reunited, and when we're reincarnated I only hope that it's somewhere that we can meet again."
"You…want me to be with Kodama." Shinji stopped from grasping at straws, he was beaten and he knew it. But that didn't give him the right to not speak everything that had concerned him, "You understand that…well…she'd want this too."
"It will be weird," Hikari's cheek quirked, her lips pulling to the side as she sighed. "But I can't inflict the pain I feel on her. I wake up in the morning and I hurt. I hurt that you're not there. The few times we've gone to bed have made me feel whole. It's filled me in ways that I never knew I was empty, just knowing that you're there by my side." Shaking her head, she shrugged, "I won't want to know about what you do, because she's my sister and I don't want to think about her like that, but I'm not going to change my mind because…well…do you want to know the honest truth?"
"Always," he nodded eagerly. "I can't make things better if I don't know the truth, Hikari. I can't stop hurting you, or doing whatever it is that I'm doing that's wrong if I don't know what it is. I…I trust you. I trust that no matter what, you'll tell me the truth. It's hard, I…I don't really trust anyone, least of all myself. But, in this time, and the time before, you never once told a lie that I saw."
She snorted, "At least I didn't screw that up." Toying with his shirt, gazing through his chest at points only she could see, her head bobbed unevenly as she picked her words, "I'm afraid that you'll…be unsatisfied." Tapping his lips without looking, she stopped him from speaking, "No. I'm being honest, let me talk it out." Slowly lowering her hand, she undid the first of his buttons, "I'm not…as beautiful as you think I am. I look in the mirror and I don't see this woman you tell me you see. It's not the imperfections, or the frizzy hair, or the freckles, it's me." She tapped her chest, "It's the person in here. I look at myself and I see the girl that let you founder. I see the girl that chose the grumpy jock over the quiet kind-hearted musician. I can't lie and say that I've never wanted to walk over and slap the glasses off of Kensuke Aida for taking pictures of the girls, or punch Natsuko in the gut for lording her outrageously large tits over everyone."
The second button fell to her motions, "I'm not perfect, Shinji. You've always treated me like I am, and that scares me. It scares me to know that I stand on a pedestal you've built a foundation for which could hold the moon itself. Nothing I do will ever push you away, nothing I say will ever change your mind. I could bite and slap and scratch you every day of my life…and you'd still smile at me." The third button came free, "You make me want to be better, and I'm never going to give you anything but my best effort, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to give you what you need. That I'll look over one day and see a lifetime of regrets in your eyes. You need more. More than me, more than stable. And," she took a deep breath, "I'd rather you were given it by someone I can trust. With Kodama, she'll never try to take you all for herself. I'll…I'll always have at least some of you." Her teeth ground together, "And some of a great man is far, far, better than all of someone like Suzuhara."
Her eyes raised back to his, focusing on the present, "You tell me that you ran, Shinji. That you couldn't handle…life." Her brow drew together, "And yet you tell me of this woman, this 'Asuka', that's coming. That she belittled you, berated you, that you lived with her and Misato and they made you their slave. That your father ignored you, Uncle Kozo never helped you, Ritsuko and Maya did nothing. All of these people, Shinji, that had the opportunity to help a scared, confused, child…." The fourth, fifth, and sixth buttons popped free as she tore his shirt open, "What was my excuse?" Running her hands over his chest, she stepped against him, "Hmm? What could possibly have excused my ignoring your pain?"
"I never reached out," Shinji gently laid his hands on her shoulders, trying to impress upon her a truth that he felt in his bones. "You can't be blamed for not helping someone who doesn't want it, Hikari. I had every chance to ask someone…but I didn't know how to. It's not your fault."
"And it's not yours either," she pushed him backwards. "We're not them. Not anymore." Sweeping his leg, she dropped him down onto his futon, falling to her knees and crawling atop him, "You aren't a scared, lonely, little boy. I'm not some…selfish bitch." Sitting firmly down, she crossed her arms again and frowned sternly at him, "I want forever, Shinji. I want it, and I'm willing to pay whatever price you ask for it."
"I-I'm," he swallowed, the sensations he was receiving from Hikari far different than those he'd experienced when Ritsuko had pushed him into things. His nerves were dancing, but not from fear. He was anxious that he'd make a mess of things, that he wouldn't know what to do. "I'm not going to leave." Haltingly, he reached up and gently took her hands, straightening her arms out so that he could clasp both hands together in his own, "Not unless I have to, to save everyone. Y-you…you might not be perfect. You'd know yourself far better than I would." She felt magnificent against him. With their clothes separating them he still felt more pleasure in her touch than he had from…the monster possessing his friend.
Rei Hino's voice carried through his thoughts, Do not judge them, or yourself, by what has been.
Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and forced his thoughts to focus on the 'now', "You are right." Opening his eyes again, he smiled, "I'm not that Shinji. He's…gone. He never had anything to protect, never had anyone watching his back, never had a reason to try to be more than a drain on everyone around him. But you're not her, either." His smile softened, "Because she'd never have looked at the stammering idiot and thought, 'Maybe he'd like to go shopping'. She'd never have sang for him to calm him down," emboldened by the growing certitude that she was right, that he couldn't blame himself for everything, he pulled her towards him, "and she never, ever, would have given him a kiss that he can't get out of his mind to this very moment."
Their lips met, and he rejoiced as she wrapped her arms under his neck to cradle against him. As much as he wanted to try being bolder, he still couldn't bring himself to firmly grasp her, instead simply running his hands up and down her spine. It was slow, steady, progress as Hikari recognized yet again that she'd have to take the lead. Though, despite what she'd asked for in the kitchen, she kept things from moving in that direction.
An hour passed, kissing giving way to exploring, giving way to ticklish giggling from time to time. Her skirt had been cast aside, as had his pants. Her bra was easily undone, but her shirt remained. She determined to match him clothing for clothing, only going as far as he seemed ready to. Sitting back up, she smiled happily down at the man she loved, "You know…I had fully intended on us having sex tonight."
"If…uhm…." He stopped as she shook her head.
"No." Her smile never wavered, "You're not ready. I understand that. It's…." She took a deep breath, "It's too soon for you. You made fantastic progress tonight, though." Flexing her thighs slightly, she felt the proof of his attraction to her, "And I know that I can put you in a mood, if nothing else."
He blushed, "Yes…well…I…."
"Have me in a mood too," she purred. Laying back down, she spent several more moments demonstrating how happy she was with him. Nuzzling at his neck, she whispered, "Can I ask you for a favor?"
"A-Anything," Shinji was beginning to wonder if he was going to get any readier. He couldn't think of much but her form against his. "I don't know how I'll do it, but if you ask for the moon I'll fly up there and bring it to you."
"Touch me?" She shifted her hips, "Down there?"
"A-are…." Clacking his mouth shut, he felt his face firm, then nodded, "Y-yes." She's always sure. She knows what she wants, and I am not going to sit here and tell her that I'll give her anything only to question the thing she tells me she wants!
Gently rolling off to his side, Hikari proved that despite not being the most athletically gifted individual, she was still very flexible. Lying on her back, she lifted her legs slowly up, keeping eye contact with the man she loved. Her cotton prison slid upwards enough that she could bend one knee and hook her toe inside to pull it the rest of the way. A slight blush colored her cheeks as she let her legs settle comfortably, "Thank you."
"Sh-shouldn't I be thanking you?" Shinji couldn't stop his mouth from aggressively salivating, "You're…you're l-letting me-"
"I'm not letting you, my love." Hikari reached across his body and grabbed his right arm, pulling his hand where she desired it, "I'm giving myself to you." Gasping slightly as his fingers twitched, brushing against spaces only she and her doctor had touched, she shook her head as he tried to recoil, "No! No, no," her tone softened, "I…it's really different, when you…it's good. It's a good different."
Coaxing him back, she tried to encourage him to learn the lay of the land. He wasn't adept, nor did she expect him to be, but what he lacked in skill he made up for with a reasoned application of the techniques he'd learned with his cello. Promises that she wasn't in pain, that she didn't expect perfection, granted him courage and a desire to carry on. With feather-soft touches or more forceful, sliding around the spots she helped him discover he managed to work her into a lather. Her tutelage became as staccato as her breathing, and eventually she bit down on her finger to stop from crying out as he managed to touch a spot that just worked.
Relaxing her legs as she came back down, she laughed, "Oh my love…." Curling around his side, she felt her pulse racing, "I love you, so much. So, so much." Spying him clearly processing something important, the look of abstract reasoning deeply endearing to her, she laid her head on his shoulder, "What are you thinking of?"
Resurfacing from the depths of his mind, he blurted out, "N-nothing!" He waved his free hand, "I-I j-just…"
"Shinji," her tone remained even, "I'm not going to be upset." Sitting up on her hip, she smiled down at him, "You just gave me something wonderful, and I want to know what's going on in that magnificent brain of yours."
"I-it…." He grimaced, Stupid stammer! "I shouldn't have been thinking of that, while I'm with you."
"I disagree," she blinked. "Whatever it is you were thinking of is clearly related," tucking her leg under her so that she could use her hands, she caressed his arm, "I need to know what's going on if I'm to save you."
The previous night's conversation replayed in his mind, prompting a snort of laughter, "Yeah…I guess you're right."
"Of course I'm right," lifting her chin, she mockingly assumed a professorial posture, "I'm the Class Representative. We're always right."
"Explain Mochizuki-san, then," Shinji rolled his eyes. Wincing, he closed his eyes swiftly after, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't-"
"Except…one," Hikari patted his chest, "we're alone. You say what you think when it's just the two of us." Waiting for him to look at her, she grinned, "And two, he's a pretentious ass that doesn't know the rules as well as he thinks he does." Laughing with the man she loved, she patted him again, "So please, Shinji. What were you thinking about?"
Opening and closing his mouth several times, he worked up the nerve to speak his mind, "What…the thing possessing Ritsuko-san tried to do." His sight moved past Hikari to a vague point on the ceiling, "I never…I don't know, wanted? When I'm with you, Hikari, I want to make you happy. When I'm holding you…I don't feel fear. I don't feel anxiety. I guess," he half-shrugged, "I was just comparing the two. Which is rude, be-"
"No." Hikari pressed firmly on his stomach, "Stop. You were processing your trauma, you weren't doing anything wrong." She smiled encouragingly, "You feel comfortable, Shinji! Think about how wonderful that makes me feel that even after pushing yourself beyond your usual boundaries with us, you were comfortable enough to think through something that had to hurt you horribly." Slipping atop him and sitting astride his lap, she clapped, "That's perfect."
Shinji blushed again, the feel of her pressing against his most intimate of spaces driving his heartrate skyward, "I just…you know, you were feeling good and…I shouldn't think about another woman when I'm with you."
"Shinji," she sighed, "you weren't dreaming of being with another woman. You weren't touching me and thinking of her." Patting a tattoo on his stomach, she smiled happily, "You were looking for help. And who did you come to?"
"You." Once more, from the angle he sat upon she was wreathed in the light of his ceiling lamp. To look at her was to see a being from myth and legend, a spirit sent to soothe his wounds. "Hikari…thank you." Reaching out, he gently grasped her legs at the knees, "You may not feel that you're perfect, and it isn't my place to say that you're anything at all, but you are everything I need." He blushed harder as her happy bouncing increased, "P-please, though…stop bouncing there?" He swallowed, hard, "I-I'm going to make a mess."