PLEASE READ FIRST!

This work does NOT belong to me, but I think it deserves a wider audience than it had up to now. Since the author wishes to stay anonymous she has given permission to publish it somewhere else other than on livejournal as she has no intention to. I will leave a link on livejournal to this post for the author, so make sure to review.

Original can be found here:

story: "http"":""/""/""norsekink"".""livejournal"".""com""/""10823"".""html""?""page""=""25""#""comments" (remove all " and scroll down a bit)

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WARNING this work contains mental und physical non-con, massive internal conflict, PTSD. You have been warned!

Chapter Thirty-Six

Loki was unconscious and limp in Laufey's arms as he was carried back to their chambers. The King was furious. Furious at that bastard Odin, at his casual cruelty. That man did not deserve children.

Laufey had just sat down when Loki groaned and opened his eyes. He whimpered in pain as the effect of the spell lingered in his muscles.

Laufey pulled Loki close and held him tightly.

"I'm sorry Loki, I'm so sorry." He whispered into his ear.

Loki made a sound like a cross between a whimper and a sob.

Laufey gently rocked him back and forth like a child.

"It's alright, it'll be alright." He soothed.

Loki slowly raised both arms and wrapped them around Laufey's neck, holding on to him tightly as they rocked together.

Laufey just held him, not letting his grip slacken for a moment.

"You'll be alright." Laufey whispered again, wanting so badly to believe it.

Loki lowered his mouth to Laufey's collarbone and bit down on it, holding the flesh between his teeth without moving, lips making a gentle sucking motion around the bite.

Laufey almost pushed him away then. The move was something infants did when they needed comfort. Children grew out of such behaviour in their second century. He knew Loki was upset but he wasn't a *child*.

But what was Loki's infancy really like on Asgard? From what Laufey had seen they didn't bite each other. Did they know that when the infant Loki tried to bite them it was because he was in distress and needed to be soothed? Or did they push him away and tell him no, don't do that, that is not how we behave.

Did they know not to feed him right before sleeping? That it would hurt his stomach to be so full and that instead they should rub his belly until the muscles contracted, shrinking the stomach so that he wouldn't feel hungry?

Did they rub his little feet every night from the moment he started walking to ensure they wouldn't become too flat and cause him pain when he grew bigger?

Laufey glanced down. He'd never thought to check Loki's feet before, well, you didn't did you? But now he could see that the arches were flatter than normal and the toes pointed outward, not slightly down so that his nails could grip the ice and help him walk.

No wonder Loki was always worn out by climbing the stairs! Without his nails to help him grip the ice he would have to put far more effort into keeping his balance as he climbed his way to the top.

And then there was his behaviour in general. Loki swung wildly between ultra-reserved and untamed instinct. When he was calm he moved like a person who had very carefully studied proper behaviour and had practiced it until it was *almost* natural. When instinct took over his movements were much more fluid and free, but his emotional outbursts were far out of proportion to the situation that inspired it.

All or nothing. Asgard, through their ignorance, had mixed Loki up badly. Now as an adult he needed to be taught how to be truly Jotun.

Laufey didn't push him away. Maybe later they could discuss it, but for now he reached up and gently scratched the back of Loki's head where the skull curved inward. His other hand he brought up to the mid-point of Loki's back and did the same thing.

Loki made a noise like a muffled sob. Laufey crooned gently between his teeth, rocking his mate slowly back and forth with a gentleness that would have surprised the Asgard if they had seen it.

Loki's tears dropped onto Laufey's shoulder and froze against his skin. He held tightly onto Laufey's neck and shook with emotion.

There was a noise at the door. Thrym walked in quietly. He frowned a little in confusion when he saw how Loki was clinging, but Laufey's warning look prevented him from commenting.

"They're gone." He said instead. "They'll be back tomorrow."

Loki stiffened in Laufey's arms.

"We should still try for the casket." Laufey said quietly. "And I want to confirm regular visits for Queen Frigga."

Thrym cautiously sat down in Loki's usual chair.

"I may have caused a slight inter-realm incident." He said.

"How?" Laufey asked slowly.

"I slapped Odin." Thrym said, looking guilty.

"You what?!" Laufey and Loki asked at the same time.

Loki twisted his head around to look at Thrym, his face was a mask of shock.

"On the face?" Laufey added in bewilderment.

"Yes." Thrym admitted.

Laufey stared at him as though his brother had gone mad.

"That is technically an act of war." He said. "Thrym, *you* of all people!"

"Blame it on the pregnancy." Thrym suggested. "I was feeling a bit...protective."

He looked over at Loki, who was watching him with wide eyes.

"You slapped him for me?" He asked.

Thrym gave him a half smile.

"I don't advise that you follow my example, in fact I think I'm about to be punished." He said, turning back to Laufey.

"I will think of something, yes." Laufey said.

Loki settled back into his arms. He looked up at Laufey with a lost kind of expression.

"He gave up on me." He said quietly.

Laufey squeezed him tightly but said nothing. He *wanted* Odin to give up on Loki, but not like that. There were ways to tell your child that they belonged with someone else.

"I know it hurts Loki, but Thor still calls you brother, and I think Frigga would topple the castle walls if I were to ban her from seeing you. They love you greatly." Laufey said.

Loki bowed his head in defeat.

"Yes. My brother and mother love me." He said softly. "And my father sold me to his greatest enemy."

Laufey and Thrym shared a joint wince. There was no easy way through this. Loki was hurting, and might do so for a long time.

Laufey squeezed him again.

"Are you still sore from the spell?" He asked gently. "Do you want me to call Puluk?"

Loki shook his head.

"I'm fine." He said. "I'm..."

His face crumpled as sobs racked his body anew. Laufey rocked him back and forth as Loki dissolved. He had lost his father, with the extra pain of knowing the man was still living, still one Bifrost ride away, and utterly uncaring about his so-called son.

Loki cried for a long time. Laufey sat with him as the light dimmed and the shadows grew long. Thrym disappeared and returned with dinner, but neither one of them could entice Loki to eat.

When his tears finally stopped he sat still and quiet, so much like his earlier stupor that the brothers were alarmed. They exchanged nervous glances over his head.

Eventually Laufey carried him to the bed and laid him down to sleep. Neither one of them managed to do so. Loki's thoughts were running wild even as his body lay still and Laufey was dreading the following day opposite Odin. He didn't feel he had the restraint right now not to try and knock the man's head off.

###

Odin turned to Thor the second they were through the Bifrost.

"What happened?" He demanded in a slightly slurred voice. "I heard Loki screaming through the door, it was all I could do not to run out there to be with him."

"Be glad you didn't Father, he spied on your meeting with the surface of his drink. He saw the very worst of you. He heard every word."

Odin looked alarmed.

"Oh no, that deviously clever boy! I was lying through my teeth! Thor, why didn't you try to stop him?"

"I did! But I couldn't touch the cup! His spell was too strong, and I couldn't breathe a word of the plan surrounded as we were by Jotun warriors!"

"We must hope our spy can reach him. I never wanted him to hear such things." Odin said, his voice was pained.

"Will they allow us back after his outburst?" Thor asked.

"I have offered the casket, we must hope it is enough to tempt Laufey into continuing." Odin said.

Thor regarded Odin carefully.

"What is wrong with your jaw?" He asked.

Odin reached up and rubbed it.

"Apart from being partially dislocated by an angry Jotun? Nothing, it is back in place and it will heal."

Thor watched him carefully but said nothing more as they mounted the horses. They rode back to the palace with worry weighing heavily on their shoulders.

Frigga met with them in Odin's study. Her face equally anxious for news of her son.

"What happened." She asked the moment she saw their faces.

Thor told her the story as Odin sat heavily in his chair.

"Oh Loki." She whispered, holding her hand to her mouth. "My poor baby."

Odin took a shuddering breath. Thor realised that his father was trying to hold back tears.

"Don't despair Mother, Father. We will rescue him. The plan has not failed, we must persist! The moment he is back here he will see what we have done and what Father had to do. Please don't give up!"

"We are not giving up." Odin said softly. "But our child is hurting tonight, Thor and we have no way to sooth him. He thinks the very worst of me, the very worst. I can do nothing. I must let him hurt."

Thor sat down and looked between them in misery.

"I am so sorry for what I have done." He said, tears prickling his eyes.

"We know my son." Frigga said. "Loki knows. You have matured greatly these past months and when we have Loki back you will be as brothers again."

She walked over and stroked Thor's brow.

"You must return tomorrow and be there for your brother, you must make him feel loved." She said.

Thor nodded.

"I will not fail him, mother I promise." He said.

###

Loki lay in the dark pressed into Laufey's side and tried to fathom where he'd gone wrong. He had always known he was different to the normal Asgard warrior. His love of magic and fighting from a distance made him stand out, not to mention his dark hair and thinner frame. Finding out he was really a Jotun had been a shock but, it had allowed him to make sense of what had long been a source of private pain. He felt different because he *was* different. Mystery solved. As long as his family loved him it didn't seem to matter.

But Odin didn't love him. Odin regretted taking him, he said so himself. Odin had decided to sell him back.

"Loki was raised in the knowledge that one day he would make a political match. I will be honest, I was not expecting one with you, but why not?"

That was true. Loki had known. But he had not expected to be sent so far away, or to have no way to visit home. He had not expected to be so casually dismissed.

But maybe, if he tried hard to be a good Queen? Maybe he could make Father lov-happy with him? He had a duty to Asgard. He could...fulfil it? Here? With...with...his...hus...band.

The thought itself *hurt*. But Odin wanted it, and maybe if Loki could do his duty he could convince his father to be proud of him. Bringing a new peace between Asgard and Jotunheim for Odin. Have three hundred grandchildren for Frigga. Maybe he could convince his Father that he had been worth taking? Maybe?

New tears sprung into his eyes. He didn't want to be the Queen of Jotunheim, he wanted to go home.

Home didn't want him anymore.

Would the situation be any different if say, one of the far realms had arranged a match with their next heir? There had never been a guarantee that he would stay in Asgard, he'd just assumed, as young people do, that his life would never change, never move on. Odin had not even put his name forwards yet to the other royal courts. He was still quite young, for all that he was an adult.

This was his life now. This was the match he had made. This was the marriage Odin had agreed to, and if his dowry was being negotiated after the fact, well, that was just a fine detail, like the ones Odin was haggling over on a daily basis.

The tears spilled over and ran down his cheeks until they froze, a hundred little droplet-shaped crystals of ice.

Laufey could feel Loki crying against him. He wanted to draw his mate up and hold him tightly, but he thought Loki would prefer some privacy, some time to work through his thoughts.

###

When morning came neither one of them wanted to move. The servants came in with their brushes and were regarded with tired, grumpy eyes from their King and tired, watery eyes from their Queen.

"Come on." Laufey said at last. "We have to get up at some point."

"Why?" Loki said hopelessly.

Laufey lifted him from the bed and carried him to the brushing room.

"Because I refuse to let you spend your days lying in bed. Get up Loki, face the day."

He stopped and knelt down in front of Loki, putting their eyes on the same level. Loki looked utterly miserable. Laufey thought about the negotiations, he thought about the casket, he thought about his duty to Jotunheim and the possibility of peace.

"Stuff it, let's do something fun today." He said. "Vindsval has been with me throughout all the negotiations, he can wrangle with Odin over the fine details of the building works. He actually likes that sort of thing, he's the one who's been organising the castle rebuild. I want to go out."

Loki looked startled.

"Where are we going to go?" He asked.

Laufey shrugged.

"How about we take a Grur and have a picnic south of the city? We can cross the River of the Long Sleep and go to Miten, the village beyond. It's got a wonderful central garden and a fine selection of specialty shops."

"You sound like you're trying to sell it to me." Loki said with a small smile.

"Let's just go." Laufey said. "All day, let's just go."

They left before the Asgard arrived, riding the Grur down the side of Utgard's walls and out to the plain beyond. Loki sat up tall and watched the view as it passed him by, his face was still grim but his eyes were no longer dull. Laufey guided the Grur, trying not to think about the last time the two of them rode one together.

"It should take us about an hour to get there." Laufey said. "If you curl up between the shoulder blades you can have a nap if you want to."

"I'm fine." Loki said.

He crept up higher, near the Grur's head.

"What's that?" He asked, pointing into the distance.

"That's the boulder field, caused by-"

"Grid fighting Måne. He threw them up to try and destroy it for causing the Darkening and ended up killing himself when one of the boulders landed on his head." Loki finished.

Laufey smiled at him.

"Thrym's lessons sunk in." He said. "You'll find that the children's stories are taken semi-seriously by most Jotun. They all know that the boulders are caused by a long ago glacier that dropped them there when it melted in the warm ages, but they speak of Grid as if he were real."

"The stories sound better." Loki said. "And who doesn't want to believe it?"

Laufey grinned.

"Exactly." He said.

They rode together mostly in silence until they reached Miten. The Grur were left outside with the handlers and the royal couple strolled slowly through the gates.

Laufey was surprised. Loki seemed to be making an effort to talk and to stay engaged. He had expected and feared another stupor, or at least some heavy sulking. But Loki seemed to push it to the back of his mind as they wandered through the village streets.

Laufey reached into his loinpocket and pulled out a bag of coins. He handed them to Loki, who looked slightly confused.

"You still owe me a present." Laufey said with a wink. "And you should go and see what Reson has for sale in his magic shop."

"Magic shop?" Loki asked.

"He sells all kinds of strange ingredients, spell books and the like. I'll point it out when we get there." Laufey said casually.

Loki gave him a suspicious glance but Laufey was serious. Today was about having fun, just stepping back and taking a break from the real world. Today was about spoiling Loki.

They visited a number of different shops and sampled some of the new foods available now that the first harvests were in. There was so much seasonal produce that Loki had not yet had a chance to try. They bought enough for a good, if crazy mixture of lunch and Laufey carried it in a bag swung over his chest.

Loki spent about an hour in the magic shop and came out with two new books and a handful of something that smelt like Grur dung and stale ber mixed together.

"What is that?" Laufey asked, wrinkling his nose.

Loki wrapped it hastily in a cloth to try and keep the smell in.

"It's a type of root, it's used in converting ice crystals to heat crystals. I want to try it out."

"Oh, in that case when we get back I'm setting you up a workroom. No more experiments in our chambers, especially if they are going to smell like that." Laufey said.

Loki packed the foul smelling stuff away and continued on their walk.

They ate lunch over several hours in the square. Loki dozed off at one point and Laufey did likewise. Their guards stood silently around them, far enough away for privacy but close enough to protect them if needs be.

Loki woke first and gathered up the coin bag. Laufey had been right. He lost the wager and he did owe Laufey a present.

He left the square, accompanied by a servant and shadowed by some of the guards and made his way to the shopping strip.

He wandered in and out of several shops, not sure what to buy. What do you get a King? He considered buying a ridiculously shaped hat, or some overpowering perfume as a joke, but he was supposed to be a good queen now. He was really trying to be, even though it was making him ache inside and he felt that things would go better if he could find a proper gift.

He found it in a craft store. A set of ten carving knives in different sizes with different angles, perfect for Laufey when he wanted to carve bone. They were neatly arranged in a leather pouch.

"How much is that?" Loki asked the seller, who bowed to him.

"A gift, your Majesty, take it as a gift." He said with a smile.

The royal family of Jotunheim always paid their way.

"No, I want to buy it, how much is it?" Loki asked again.

"Two hundred Carn, you Majesty." The seller said.

Loki reached into the bag and pulled out some of the coins. He knew the little ones were worth the least, but that was about it.

"Do I have enough?" He asked the servant, who looked down at the coins in his hands.

"Yes you Majesty, ten of the gold ones will do." He answered.

Loki handed them over and accepted the pouch of knives.

"Thankyou." He said.

"Thankyou, your Majesty." The seller replied.

Loki walked back to the square where he found Laufey had woken up.

"See?" Loki said as he approached. "I didn't lose my guards."

Laufey smiled at that.

"Very good Loki." He said in a teasing tone.

Loki reached his side and handed him the parcel.

"One present, for one lost wager." He said.

Laufey unwrapped the parcel and looked at the knives in surprise. A pleased smile broke out on his face. He had been expecting a bag of cakes at best and some of that foul smelling root thing at worst. He had not been expecting Loki to find him an actual gift.

"Thankyou Loki, they are wonderful." He said, still gazing down at them.

Loki tried to look pleased as he fought the ache in his chest.

"I'm glad you like them." He said.

The words felt strange coming out of his mouth, he'd never had any trouble lying before.

They took their time riding back to the castle. It was sunset before they arrived. Vindsval reported that Odin was a completely tyrannical, detail obsessed bastard (out of Loki's hearing) and the royal couple retired to their chambers.

Loki lay down on the bed with an exhausted sigh. The day had been long and he felt as though he'd walked miles going around the village.

Laufey spoke to a servant outside in the corridor before coming to lie beside him.

"Dinner is coming." He said, reaching down and stroking Loki's brow.

Loki tried not to tense up.

'Be a good queen.'

They lay like that for a few minutes before there was a knock on the door. It was Puluk. Loki looked up in confusion as he approached them on the bed.

"You sent for me, you Majesty?" He asked.

"Yes." Laufey replied. "I was wondering if you could do anything about Loki's feet."

"What about my feet?" Loki asked, looking down at them.

They looked like feet.

"Do they ever hurt at the end of the day?" Laufey asked as Puluk leaned closer and started examining them.

"Yes." Loki said. "When I've been walking, but doesn't everyone's?"

"Not as much as yours I'd wager." Puluk said.

He looked up at Laufey.

"May I sit, you Majesty?"

"Yes of course." Laufey answered.

Puluk sat on the bed and rested Loki's feet in his lap.

"There's nothing wrong with them." Loki said. "They look like feet."

Laufey looked very pointedly down at his own feet. Loki followed his gaze. Laufey's feet had much higher arches and his toes were angled downward, allowing his nails to touch the ice.

"Mine don't look like that." Loki said.

"I know. I should have noticed sooner that you were having trouble on the ice." Laufey said, coming back to sit beside Loki's head.

Puluk took Loki's right foot and pressed his fingers into the arch in a deep stroking motion.

Loki gasped and winced at the mixture of pain and relief that the movement brought.

"The muscles are almost completely seized up. You've got no flexibility at all." Puluk said, pushing the top of the foot and trying to bend in over to look more like a Jotun's.

It didn't budge. Puluk pressed the underside again, provoking a moan from Loki who put his head back against the furs.

"That feels so good." He moaned.

Laufey smiled and stroked Loki's hair gently as Puluk worked at the stiff muscles. He finished one foot and started the other, prompting a new round of moaning.

"I *can* perform a spell that will force the foot back into its proper shape, but your Majesty will be unable to walk for quite some time afterwards." He said.

Loki's head snapped up so fast Laufey's hand almost hit him by accident.

"But I feel the best method of treatment is a slower one." Puluk continued. "Daily massages, perhaps twice daily at first, to loosen the muscles and allow greater flexibility. In the meantime I will have some shoes made for you to wear at night. They will hold your arches upward and encourage your toes to point downward instead of straight. The damage has been done over a long time, this method will undo it almost as slowly, but you will be able to walk in the meantime. The decision is yours."

"I want to walk." Loki said quickly.

"How long will he be unable to walk if you perform he spell?" Laufey asked calmly.

"About ten years." Puluk answered.

Laufey nodded.

"Then I won't try to convince you otherwise Loki, you'd go mad if you couldn't walk for that long."

Loki nodded.

"Good-aahh!"

Puluk smiled and pressed along Loki's arch again in the same spot.

"I recommend Ran for the massages. He has an excellent grasp of muscular structure."

"Good, he can start tomorrow morning." Laufey said.

###

That night when they lay down in bed, Loki felt as though the ache in his chest was worse than ever. He forced it down. He was a good queen, a good queen, a good queen. Father would be proud of him. Well, almost.

He glanced nervously up at Laufey. The King had not made an advancement toward him for several days, but it would have to happen soon. The desire for an heir was overwhelming.

Better just get it over with.

Any second now.

Just give him a scratch, he'll get the idea.

Just do it.

Be a good queen.

Do it.

Loki gingerly reached up and scratched Laufey's chest. Laufey shifted in surprise and looked down at him.

"Loki, are you alright?" He asked softly.

Loki screwed up his courage and climbed on top of Laufey's body. Before he could lose his nerve he scratched his nails down Laufey's chest.

The King's eyes widened.

"Loki, go to sleep." He said.

Loki frowned.

"Why don't you want to?" He asked.

"Why do you?" Laufey countered.

"I'm supposed to, isn't that the idea?" Loki asked.

He scratched again. Laufey made an irritated noise.

"Stop it Loki."

"No! We're supposed to,*I'm* supposed to, to have an heir. We need an heir."

"We?"

"Shut up! Why don't you want to?!"

"Loki."

"No!"

Loki grabbed Laufey's cock and ran his hand down the length. Laufey grunted in surprise but managed to push Loki away.

"Loki."

"Why don't you want me?! You have to want me! No one else does!" Loki screamed.

There was a long silence. Laufey sat up and pulled Loki close to him.

"I do want you. Loki I can't imagine my life without you in it. But I will not take you now. You are still upset, you are still hurt. I have learned enough to know that it is wrong to try and take you like this. We will have an heir in good time. I promise, you will always be wanted in Jotunheim, you will always be wanted by me, not for our heirs, for you yourself. I love you."

He laid Loki down and cradled him, murmuring promises until his eyes closed and Loki slept.