Scott

Why was my mouth being insistent on spouting this crap that I had never meant to say?

Just… Shit.

Panic. Mind-numbing, shrieking panic.

Dolt, fool, moron, shit disturber.

Did I somehow conveniently choose to ignore that Auggie is my best friend?

That I wasn't actually broken up from Shelby yet?

That I had no fucking right saying what I was saying?

The fact that Juliette wasn't exactly responding in any tangible way wasn't helping my panic. She seemed stunned, as she should be, and just stared uncomprehendingly at me for a moment.

The moment broke and a frown formed on her face as she sucked in a deep breath, ripping her eyes away from mine. One word escaped her lips, "No."

"No?" I blinked.

"No." She repeated. "No. No. No!"

"You're going to have to elaborate a bit on that," I said with irritation.

"You're high. Drunk. Delusional."

"No, I'm perfectly sober-"

"No!"

"Say something else!" I demanded.

She unfroze and with a forced calm told me, "Okay. I know what this is. It's just another tactic to try to get me to stay. You're just being jealous. It doesn't mean anything."

"What the hell are you rambling on about now?"

"This is just because you're angry I'm moving away. It's so typical of you to use any means necessary to get your way. You'll do anything, won't you? Even hurt me, and everyone else. Grow up, Scott! I'm not going to fall for your manipulation anymore."

I wanted to slap her. "What the fuck? I'm not doing anything like that. I've never tried o manipulate you and I would never say those words as a weapon! What is so wrong with you that you can't accept anything I say anymore?"

"Just, shut up! You're always messing with my head and I can't anymore! You don't know what you feel. You're with Shelby and you love Shelby and it's always been her. So don't start saying all this bull to me and expect me to suddenly swoon and forget all about everything. "

"You're such a bitch." Oops. Should probably not have said that.

"You're the one who's trying to dictate to me how I should live my life, you're the one who's telling me out of the blue that I can't leave because you're a selfish ass who out of nowhere has realized you 'love' me, you're the one who's not making any sense, and I'm the bitch?"

"I'm not saying it because I'm jealous of Auggie, even though I am. I'm not saying it because I don't want you to leave, though I don't. I said it because it's true and if you're leaving, you deserve to know the full story before making a life changing choice."

"There is no choice. I'm going. Your messed up feelings and moods won't affect mine. I don't know why you're doing this to me, but I won't just stand here and let you ruin all that I've figured out."

She still wasn't looking at me. Clenching my jaw angrily, I grabbed her chin and made her stop avoiding eye contact.

"I care. I care about you so fucking much it scares me and I know I've always known that but I've been smart and ignored it. But I can't ignore it if you won't be in my life any more. I'm not going to sit here silently and let you walk away not knowing because fuck it, I know if I didn't say anything I'd have regretted it and wondered what would have happened. So you can hate me, you can rant about how I ruined your plans and am fucking with your head. But know that I do love you and this was never meant to ruin your life or mess with your head. Because contrary to your beliefs, I'm not that much of a jack ass. I do want the best for you and I know that I'm not it. Whatever." I vented. "I know it's Auggie that you feel for, I know I'm a retard for choosing now to say this, I know we're barely even friends anymore. But I also know I relied on you as life support for the better part of a year. I know that we never got a real chance at a real relationship. I know we never got the closure we needed and that I regret everything about how I handled the way our first try at going out ended. I know that I wonder what the fuck went wrong and if we could have had something and I know I have Shelby. I know you're not supposed to be the person I feel this way for. I know you don't want me to love you. And I know, for Christ's sake, that I can't help it. I can't just ignore it anymore and no matter what happens I won't regret telling you. So fuck everything."

I finally released her jaw from my hand and stood up to leave. What's that? No, I'm not running away…

I knew she would say something. I knew she would stop me. I knew she would. She always does.

I expected an apology. A quick, soft, I'm sorry. Something to confirm everything I said as truth in the gentlest way she could deliver it. I waited for the words. With them would be the real closing of the door of our closeness. She would move away. I would pretend like I didn't care. And we would never speak again for the rest of our lives.

'I'm sorry…'

'Auggie...'

'It's not that I don't care…'

'Goodbye.'

'I'm leaving in so-and-so days.'

Pick your verbal farewell honey, you won't get another.

"You must know I loved you too." Juliette weakly murmured. She was staring at the wall. "All year long. I catered to your love for Shelby and you can't even imagine how hard it was for me to not…"

I leaned against the doorframe and frowned.

"I chose you, Scott. Last year when Auggie came for a visit, he was jealous of us and he made me choose. I loved you. I chose you. Auggie left because I didn't want him to stay. I messed it up because I couldn't just be your friend, be that close to you and not care more. You made me care and I knew it was ridiculous and that's why I'm leaving. God, you're so stupid! Telling me this now, honestly. I was fine. I was happy. I was almost able to tell myself I was over you." Her face was doing that crumbling thing it did whenever she got emotional. "But of course I wanted you to love me. I prayed for it. It's you who can't understand the depth of emotion I feel for you. You've done nothing but push me away and up until recently I've been fighting so hard to keep you."

I stared at her.

Finally, she stared back.

"Why couldn't you just have said I'm sorry?" I sighed, slumping to the floor.

"Why couldn't you just have let me leave?"

"We can't do this you know."

"You're the one who started it."

"Yeah well we can't do this. Not now or in the near future or ever. I do have Shelby and I won't fuck with her that way. She deserves more. And Auggie's been my best friend for years. I won't screw him over. I won't trash their lives. That isn't a responsibility I am willing to carry. So you and me? We can't." I was panicking. Somehow I hadn't thought through the ensuing scenario for if she had actually said she felt the same way. I guess I'm pessimistic that way. Wait, is this the best or worst thing that could have happened? What did I want her to say? That she hated me?

I supposed that'd be easier.

"Don't you think I know that?" She snapped. "Why do you think I've never said anything about it? I wasn't going to be a selfish backstabbing slut and throw myself at you when I knew you had an intense relationship with a good friend of mine. Apparently, you don't have any selflessness!"

"Did you want me to keep silent? Last time I checked, it's supposed to be a good thing when someone you care about tells you they're in love with you."

"Says the guy who's panicking and getting upset with ME for saying the words back!"

"This is insane."

Juliette stared at me, her eyes boiling over with emotion until she finally said, "That really is it, then. You only want me because you know you can't have me. You're with Shelby and things are fine, you didn't give a crap about me. The moment I get a boyfriend, you flare up. You're just used to having anything you want so the idea of a forbidden relationship just intoxicates you, doesn't it? It's not me you want. It's the idea that you can't have me."

"Stop making assumptions! That's not how this went down."

"You said it yourself, you can't be with me. If you can't be with me, why the hell would you tell me all of this? Just to hurt me? Because honestly Scott, how could those words have done anything but hurt me?"

"I couldn't ignore it anymore, okay? I didn't mean it to be selfish. I just- I can't just suppress everything."

"I did. For a full year. I did it for you. To make things easier for you."

"No, you did it because you thought you'd get rejected. Stop being so high and mighty and moral- you know very well that if you had thought I loved you and not Shelby, you would have made a move."

"Thank you so much for declaring what a bad friend I am!"

"You don't get it. This isn't about other people. It's about us. You and me. It sucks that other people are involved but it comes down to you and me. So yes I said the words. And are you actually going to stand there and say all you felt when you heard those words were anger?"

Juliette stood up from her perch on the bed and walked up to me. She took my hand and her eyes bore into mine disconcertingly.

After a beat, she leaned in closely to me and whispered next to my lips, "I can't kiss you. I can't touch you or hold you or be with you. I love you is just another mockery used to remind me of how much of you I don't have. Because when you said that… and when you look at me like you're doing now… you can't even know how much I wanted to…"

My arms reflexively slipped around her slender frame. I couldn't help it. She was crying out for comfort and I couldn't not give that to her. She pressed herself against my chest and I didn't want to let her go. When I felt the soft shaking of sobs vibrating off her body, a part of me broke.

I did this to her.

She was so warm and so damn familiar. I know how wrong this is. I know we're only supposed to be friends. But that's the thing isn't it? If your best friend is someone of the opposite sex it's almost inevitable that you'll eventually develop feelings for them. No matter how much you say they're like a sister to you, the thing is, they're not. And that closeness will translate into something else.

"Jules, it's going to be okay."

"Where do we go from here?" She asked me quietly, her hands still clinging desperately to my body.

"Where would you like us to go?"

She shut her eyes and re-opened them, stroking my cheek for the briefest of moments. "I can't ask you to leave Shelby, You may claim love me, but she was the love of your life."

"She was the first person I seriously loved. But first loves are just that, aren't they? They have to end at some point."

"Auggie's going to… we're going to be cut out of his life. Is this really worth it? Niether of them will ever speak to us again. Can we really just throw away two deep friendships for the possibility of there being an us? What if we don't' work out? What if we are just better as friends? What if you miss Shelby? That's a lot of pressure for us to stay together, with all we'd be sacrificing…"

I let her go. "Are you saying we shouldn't try then? Just ignore it all?"

"Are you saying this isn't what we should be doing? Scott, I'd do anything for you. I'd leave Auggie. I'd be the slutty boyfriend stealing boy using cow if you asked me to be that girl. But I won't be doing it if all you feel for me is some ideal that I won't be able to live up to."

"You're the most wishy washy person I know, and you're questioning MY integrity and indecisiveness?" I snapped.

"Stop yelling at me! Scott, do you want me or don't you?"

"We can't do this…" I sighed again. "We can't. I do want you, Juliette. I'm not just saying that. But we can't. It'd be ridiculously horrible of us."

"So you're just going to string along Shelby, waste more of her time when you know your heart's not into your relationship?"

"What would you have me do?"

"Break up with her. It's not fair to be with her when you're not in love with her!"

"I never said I'm not in love with her."

Juliette looked like she might slap me at that point. "Well, Scott, you can't have BOTH of us. You can't have the best of both worlds. If you want her, be with her. God, I don't know why I even bother talking to you. I'm sitting here saying I've always loved you and you're here saying you love us both? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I can't be here right now."

"Go ahead. Run away. This was all just one mind game, wasn't it?"

I got frustrated at this point and stopped my walk out the door to stride back in front of her and pressed my lips against hers with all the gentleness of sandpaper. The act shocked her and it took her a second to react and kiss me back but by the time she did, I broke away and stormed out of the apartment.

"No, this wasn't a fucking mind game. I'm just doing the right thing. One of us has to."

"This isn't the right thing!" she called after me.

No, but it was the safe thing.

AN: Waaaay overdue, sorry XD. Thanks for the reviews. Scott's reaction may be a bit strange but he is just honestly freaking out because he didn't anticipate her saying it back. Yes, our blond jock is a bit dense at times ;) We'll find out what the deal is with Shelby next chapter, and also Auggie and Juliette will have some screen time. Scott's going to be very pissy for the next while haha.