Shizuo POV

"So that's it then , huh?"

I nodded slowly to answer the underground doctor, though tiny tears formed in my eyes when I remembered what just occurred. After Izaya threw me out, I had no choice but to head over to Shinra's place. Immediately, I noticed the faint redness on the side of his face and Celty cleaning up shattered bits of a broken glass on the floor.

I should have figured that they would take some of the fall, too.

Celty was now trying to rub some medical cream on her husband's swollen jaw, but the doctor continued to try and talk. Both of them wore nightclothes, but they were wide awake before I even got to the apartment. I sat by on the nearby chair, my head low as I stared into a tea-filled cup.

I had just told them everything that happened right before and right after he found out the truth. I didn't want to at all, but I wasn't about to let Shinra and Celty suffer because of something stupid I started.

"This certainly didn't turn out we-OW!"

Celty flicked the brunette on the forehead then typed a message.

[Did you really think that it would in the beginning?!]

Shinra sighed, "Honey, as much as I love you, please no 'I told you so's'…"

Celty shook her neck in disapproval but didn't say anything else.

"Shinra…" I spoke quietly, "What exactly…did you tell Izaya?"

"Pretty much everything," he answered, "I thought he would've told you."

"He did, but it wasn't too deep in the specifics…typically with his reaction."

"Right, right…" Shinra rubbed his tender cheek, "Well, as you can see, he didn't take it well as I had hoped, but then again, my hopes weren't all that high to begin with."

"I see…" I tensed, tearing up again. Shinra noticed this and tried to stall.

"L-Listen, Shizuo, you cannot feel responsible for all of this! Truth be told, it was just…a-a huge accident, how 'bout that? Seems legit, right? How were you supposed to know that a carton of Oīshi Dairy milk would turn you into an infant, huh?"

"…Do you really think that makes me feel any better?"

The doctor bit his lip, deciding not to go further on the subject.

"…Well, anyway…regarding to what you were asking – and this is fairly surprising – it was more that you…you came to him after you turned back."

I flinched, "Wha…what?"

"I'll explain," the doctor shifted his glasses, "I thought that he'd be most upset when I proved to him that you were Kishou Orihara this whole time, but…he seemed more hurt by the fact that you chose to get so close to him following your cure."

"…That doesn't make any sense…" I shook my head, "T-That makes no sense…"

"I'm afraid it does…Shizuo, listen for a sec."

I raised an eyebrow, "…What is it?"

"…Hear this - Izaya just doesn't want to be alone in this world," the doctor's eyes softened, "I just happened to be walking down the street when I watched him get thrown out of his own house. It was absolutely terrible…"

"He told me about that," I replied.

"Well, I'm sure, but that day, I took him back to my place to…kinda let him vent, y'know? The left side of his face was redder than mine is now, and he was trying so hard not to burst into tears. He told me how much he hoped that his parents would accept him for who he was, and it just got blown back in his face. I'm guessing…this situation seems ten times more hurtful to him than that one…"

"I see…he actually cries a lot more than you think…"

"Ah, there it is~" Shinra leaned back on the couch, toying with his fingers, "I was hoping you'd say something like that."

I furrowed my eyebrows while Celty grabbed her PDA.

[Is that supposed to be a sick joke?]

"No, of course not! I'm referring to what Shizuo said – it seems that Izaya put more trust in you than I thought."

I tensed, "Shinra…please don't-"

"I'm not, I'm not…" he held his hands up defensively, "What I'm getting at is…he must care for you a lot to let an emotion as touchy as that one show."

"He doesn't care for me, Shinra…" I growled, "He said he hated me, right up until I finally left…"

"Seriously, I can prove it!" Shinra nearly whined, "See, crying is like a taboo for Izaya – I'm a doctor and he tries to pick a fight when I tell him that letting the tears out will release all that pressure and sadness. However, he chooses you - his worst enemy – to help him realize, despite calling himself as a god…he's still human."

I sighed, "That was nice and detailed, but the fact remains that he hates me…"

"I know I wasn't there, but I know he didn't mean it. I'd put my life on it!"

"…You're an idiot…"

"Yeah, probably…but if you really wanna know how I feel…I think you're being a bigger idiot."

I clenched my teeth, "What'd you say?!"

Shinra squeaked, gripping onto Celty's pink nightshirt, "Ah, I didn't really mean it! C-Celty, control him!"

Celty seemed to sigh, then typed out another message.

[What Shinra was trying to say is that it was pretty dim of you to not notice that earlier…and personally, I have to agree.]

"What?"

[Listen – what Shinra said was true, and plus, I've worked with Izaya for a while now. I can tell you that he bottles up his emotions pretty tightly, so don't you think it's a bit odd for him to collapse so easily into you?]

I shifted, "…Yeah…I've…I've thought about that before…"

[And when that…tragic accident with your cat occurred, Izaya tried so hard to bring you back up in that one month – not just in gratitude, either. He really, really wanted to see you happy again. Didn't he tell you that?]

"…He did."

[And…didn't you guys...KISS?]

I blushed slightly, "Y-Yeah…"

[SO…what does that tell you?]

I stayed silent. I was in no mood to try and get my hopes up so quickly. I just didn't want to hear any of it. I didn't want to trick myself into believing it.

The dullahan, sighing at my stillness, started typing again.

[…Maybe he doesn't hate you as much as he wanted you to think.]

"…That's the thing I don't get…" I shook my head, "If you like someone or something, wouldn't it be obvious to want it to be closer to you? You don't push it away, right?"

Shinra sat up, "Actually, that's exactly what a lot of people like Izaya do. It's a huge psychological thing dealing with confusion, fear, pain, and most times, all three. They're confused about how to express what they want, and if they finally get it, they fear losing it. The scariest part is the hurt that comes after that, so in short, they think pushing the thing they love away will make as protection for anyone involved."

"Hmm…"

The brunette chuckled, "I know that's a lot to take in, but I'm guessing that Izaya's at the third stage right now, but it's more possible that he's beyond even that…"

I merely hummed again, shrugging. Shinra pondered for a bit.

"Y'know, " he started, "…Now that I think about it…you're kinda doing the same thing, Shizuo."

"Huh?"

"Yes, yes…" the doctor continued to nod, "It's getting there – in order to protect the person you – excuse me – like…you kept the whole truth from him because you feared that it would hurt him - which it did, but maybe because it was too far in already. Now, it's like you guys are two toddlers, literally bumped heads, and at the moment, both of you are bawling in the sad corner…"

"…What a nice metaphor…" I said sarcastically.

"I try~" Shinra grinned, but got serious again, "However. I must apologize – I shouldn't have pulled you towards holding the truth out from him…things really got…messy…but that can barely cover it all."

"No, I'm…" I sighed, "I should've told him the second he picked me up that day...If I had done that, the cure still would've been made, but none of us would be suffering like we are now…"

[Look, obviously, we can't change what's already been done – right now, we need to focus on what to do next.] Celty typed, [Shinra, any ideas on what we should do about these two now?]

"Well…" the doctor stretched, "Going to see Mr. Informant himself is out of the question since my face has not healed yet, but we just gotta give him more time to accept everything that's happened. Therefore, I think it's wise to try not to move forward or backward. That goes double for you, Shizuo, since I also think it's wise that you stay here for a while to lay low."

"Oh, again? Very funny…" I mumbled.

"Fine. I'm making you stay here, but you don't have to take my advice. Just know that I'm not going to treat you if you come back here with a flick blade stuck in your throat…"

"Whatever…"

Shinra hummed in disapproval, but suddenly, he got a glint in his grey eyes.

"Hey, before I forget…"

"What is it?" I said, sipping down some of my tea.

"…I know you've told me something like this before, but…what're your feelings towards Izaya?"

I spewed out some of the brown liquid all over the carpet in response to the forward question. Celty looked horrified since she just cleaned up glass shards off the floor not even an hour earlier.

I coughed violently, "Wha-what?! I never told you my feelings for Izaya!"

"Oh? So you DO have some sort of feelings for Izaya?"

I bit down on my tongue, trying to stop a blush.

"And just to clear the air, yes, you did~" the doctor said playfully with a wink, "Remember our little bachelor party? Hmm?"

I suddenly remember, and a faint blush breaks its way onto my face…

"Ah~ Don't you remember your exact words that night?"

Now it was Celty's turn to get curious, [Shizuo? What did you say?]

I grip the small cup in my hands, nearly producing cracks on its surface.

"…nothin'…"

"HA! Yeah, right!" Shinra laughed, turning to his wife, "Celty, my darling, allow me to testify~"

"Alright, alright!" I threw the cup on the floor, adding more to the new mess, and stood up with a sigh, "…I said that I loved him."

"Uh-huh~" Shinra nodded snarkily, "And you also said that you were SO SURE that you were gonna go right back to hating him after you turned back into an adult…but that's not true…is it?"

I stared down, looking straight at the floor. How did I feel? Well…did my feelings really matter as this point? He said he hated me…right?

That dizzy, nauseas feeling came back again, and my vision started getting blurrier as I continued to gawk at the floor. Suddenly, I retched, nearly collapsing, and Shinra immediately hopped up, becoming serious again.

"Uh-uh! No, no, no, NO!" he yelled, running to find a trash bin, "Don't you throw up on the floor! My lovey-dove just cleaned!"

Celty looked almost embarrassed, but she got up from her seat as well and starting rubbing my back, pushing me back down into the chair.

[Try to hold it in if you can.] she typed as Shinra came back into the living room with a small bin, dropping it in the middle of my legs.

I shook my head, releasing my hand from my mouth "L-Look, Shinra, it doesn't matter anymore…because-"

"Again - DON'T!" Shinra formed his arms in the shape of an x, "Don't even go there with me! I'm not worried about how Izaya feels about you at this point and time – I asked you how YOU feel towards Izaya. Do you hate him, or do you love him?"

…Damn…I had to think…The throbbing and tightness in my head and stomach certainly wasn't making the situation better. I just couldn't help but think of the way Izaya screamed at me, but…if what Shinra said was true – that he didn't mean it – can I really be able to say that I actually…love him?

Before I had a chance to answer, Shinra tapped me lightly on the shoulder.

"You know what?" he asked, "Too much pressure. We'll do it like this – do you at least like him?"

Slowly, I nodded, looking up at him, "Yeah…I-I do."

"So you don't hate him anymore…right?"

Again, I nodded, "Right."

Celty, recovering from another bout of shock, started typing on her PDA.

[So technically…you didn't go back to hating him when you turned back into an adult?]

"Y-Yes…"

"Thought so~" the brunette grinned, "It ain't love, but it's a start!"

I rolled my eyes, "Try telling that to the informant himself…I'm sure he'll believe you…"

"Such sarcasm…and such pessimism!" Shinra crossed his arms, "You really think Izaya's never gonna talk to you again?"

"…You're an idiot."

"Yes, we've established that, but I am so sure that you two we'll be able to get on the same page again. When? I have no idea, but yes, it'll happen sooner or later."

"You have way too much faith…" I replied, "…Too much faith in the both of us…"

"Please, I've known you both for as long as I can remember – Izaya makes a huge fuss out of it, but it's not that difficult to figure out what you two are gonna do, especially when you guys are directly involved with each other, believe it or not."

Celty nodded, [Just give it some time, Shizuo – Izaya's gotta reach out to somebody soon, and there's no doubt in my mind that you'll probably be one of the first few.]

…To be honest, no matter what these two said, I was still in a sea of doubt. The only thing that I reluctantly agreed with them on is that I didn't hate Izaya anymore.

…But I didn't know if I really loved Izaya…there was a hint of doubt in that fact, too.

I liked him…but I was so afraid of him hating me.

I used to take joy during our fights when we established so clearly that we hated each other, but no…

I didn't want him to hate me anymore – I begged for someone, something to make him not hate me.

The truth is…I don't want to be alone either.

4 months later…

Izaya POV

"So, you finally got your first check, huh?" I sat down, nodding towards the blue-eyed brunette in front of me, "That's…that's wonderful…"

"No, no, Orihara-san!" she shook her head, bouncing a one-month old baby boy in her arms, "I have you to thank for it. I would've never been able to find Gouke-kun. Good thing…otherwise, life with Wataru would be miserable…"

With a faint smile, I nodded again.

"He's…he's beautiful."

Ms. Mizuki, smiling back, quietly said, "Thank you,"

I heard the tiny infant hiccup and begin to coo, and Ms. Mizuki shushed him softly. My bandaged hands began to tremble, and I started thinking about Shizu-chan again. Tears don't sting in my eyes as much as they used to, but every now and then, a pang in my chest starts to hurt…

Because of that night, I had to get a few stitches in my hands from the large pieces of glass slicing into my skin. It had gotten a bit hard to work, but I muddled through somehow. However, Mizuki-san was only the second or third client I allowed myself to see within those four mouths.

For one thing, she was the only client of mine I started being myself around. I'd already done my job, with her paying me double in the last month, but still, on that particular day, she called and said she wanted to discuss some more things with me. I don't know why, but I ended up agreeing.

"Orihara-san?" the woman called, "…Would you like me to tell you a secret?"

I shrugged, "Shoot,"

She chuckled, "…I named my son after what you did."

I flinched, "H-Huh?"

"'Wataru' means 'navigation' – on one hand, he's turned my life in a completely different direction, but on the other, you found my baby's father, almost with no trouble at all, and made him take a part in our son's life. Not to mention…" she tensed, "…He nearly k-killed you…"

I stayed silent, watching her crystal-like eyes quickly well up with tears.

"O-Orihara-san…I…I'm so-"

I shook my head, "No…my mouth got me in trouble that day…"

I knew for a fact that what I said wasn't the main reason. In fact, I was partially lying. That day when a bullet was lodged in my back was also the day I went out looking for what I thought was my child.

And…it was the day I cried in front of Shizu-chan for the first time.

The Shizu-chan I always knew.

I felt confused and sad back then, but as I sat across from Ms. Mizuki with her baby in her arms…I didn't know what to think of all those memories anymore…

Should I accept only the good ones, or maybe just erase the bad ones?

Should I just try to forget everything all together and pretend it never happened?

No…even if I did that, those precious memories would flood back on a later day…when I really wouldn't need them.

My thinking was interrupted when Wataru started whining, steadily increasing it to a cry.

"Shh, shh, shh…" Ms. Mizuki whispered in her son's ear, "It's okay, love…"

Slowly, the child died down his noise, balling his tiny hands into fists. I couldn't help but watch, and after a few minutes, I stood up and made my way to her. My red eyes suddenly growing soft, I stared down at the baby, who was beginning to sleep peacefully, and with a hesitant hand, I gently caressed Wataru's head, feeling the soft strands of brown hair sticking out from under his blue cap.

"Orihara-san, this is none of my concern, but…" Ms. Mizuki whispered again, "…How…how has it been…without him?"

I sighed softly, watching Wataru stir a little.

"It hurts…more than you can imagine."

So, so sorry for the late update, but AP Gov't just WANTS to get rid of all my freetime. Plus, I have piano to practice and my friend and I have less than thirty days to get ready for AWA (she's actually counting...)

No, our cosplay is not even CLOSE to being ready yet, but we're gonna get there. Same thing with this fanfic - I'm gonna turn it around sooner or later. The ending is still kinda muddy for me, but I'll make it clear. Hang in there, and please review~!