Starved Chapter 36, a twilight fanfic

**SUPER THANKS TO THE SISTER OF MY TWILIGHT SOUL!!! (The Russian spy is on to us... she knows that we know what she is... this will have no effect on our mission...)**

Chapter 36:

AN - Ok guys, I have officially posted the "Which Starved chapter do you want to see in Edward's POV?" poll to my profile. So if you want a say in the result just click on ChanelBell7887 above to access my profile and vote away! You can vote for three different chapters and the highest ranking chapter will be written in EPOV and posted along with the next chapter of Starved.

GO VOTE!!!

"Sweetie?.." Esme's were the last words before my feet ripped through fresh snow. The dry icy air felt like knives jabbing at the back of my throat and filling my lungs with a thick pain, but for once the cold was welcome. A small amount of pressure began to chip off after my breathing grew more desperate from the panicked sprint.

If running is what my pathetic failure came to, then I would meet this challenge as I have all the others.

And so I ran.

And ran.

After an immeasurable period of time my body roared with crazed protests. Fire and ice competing once again for foremost attention. With every hasted pace my ankle's thin flesh tore from the blade like sheet of ice blanketing the top layer of powdery snow. It cracked and snapped under my weight, digging into my legs far enough to draw droplets of blood. They now seared from the prolonged irritation making it increasingly harder to ignore.

I side stepped into the thick cover of trees offered by Forks' prominent forest. The snow thinned until the canopy of pine provided a rich supply of hard dirt, leaves, and root. My ankles were thankful for relief, but the shade also meant lower temperatures and the rest of my body ached in ill content.

My hands, my arms, my face, and feet. They begged me for reprieve, the midwinter's cold was too much. All at once the small pains bleed together and overwhelmed me with a force stronger then my will to continue on. I threw myself to my knees and grasped at the earth between my fingers in defeat as my chest heaved in and out.

I waited for my breath to even, but that calm never came. Instead the rise and fall of my chest intensified, terrified with my bodies distress I grabbed my chest that all of a sudden filled with sharp torture. My back and neck slicked with cold sweat as my spine involuntarily curled into a bow for the second time today. With a flash of excruciating nausea I coughed and all the uncooperative water came rushing out my mouth.

I knelt there, over my puddle of sick and let the heavy tears add and blend into it. I watched as the clear drops fell holding so much in them.

Did each tear have it's own heart ache? It's own memory? Or are they all mixed together in one tragedy?

I wiped my mouth of the wet that already began to crystallize and moved away to a dryer patch of dirt landing roughly on my back. My mind actively focused on regulating my vitals which lead the blurriness of tears in my eyes to clear. I was freezing. My toes, fingers, and ears were beyond pain having already passed into a numb stage, but just about everywhere else hurt. I had to get back up.

I had to.

Where am I going to go-

Before I fully considered the question, I knew the answer. I knew who I could always turn to, and the knowledge filled my freezer burnt body with little bundle of warmth.

I smiled with Jacob's goofy grin as I sighed loudly to myself. "Jacob.", I spoke his name as if confirming my plans. "It will always be Jacob." And it would always be Jacob. He would always be my safety. My shelter from the storm.

It just really sucks the storm in this case involves me in a twenty four hour lockdown at some psych ward.

With my newly attained direction and the smallest glimmer of hope at the aspect of more time, time to think, time to pull myself together and come up with some way out of this mess. I pulled myself off the hard earth and continued on, this time headed for LaPush. Headed for my Jacob and for his unquestioning support.

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"Jake!?" In the midst of an internal deliberation over which was the best approach to Jacob in this nightmarish situation I ran face first into his hard back silencing the different options all at once. He wasn't inside the house or his dingy shed, instead he stood tall in front of some unknown metal structure beside the curb across from his property. After my assault he swung quickly around to find the source, carrying with him the grin I loved.

My heart sank into the frigid depths of my stomach.

Something went wrong, I was still cold. Where was the sun? Why didn't I feel anything?!

"Bella!", his face lit up brighter then before at my presence but still no warmth. What's going on?! I was dumbfounded. I could see his bright teeth being covered as his lips fell first into confusion, then a frown as I stood still and silent with a gaping mouth.

I had no idea what to think. For as long as I knew Jacob he has always been my feel good solution. No matter how bad life got I always had Jacob to run to. Now…. now I was here. I was here with Jake, my painkiller, my repair man… only I still hurt. I was still broken.

I let out a shaky unbelieving gust of breath as I turned my head down away from his eyes to compose my mildly shocked and horrified face. I never thought I would have to hide like this, not from Jacob. I never even conceived a day where my Jake couldn't make me feel better.

With a more grudging heart then for anyone else I smiled. I smiled when I truly wanted to cry. I wished to let go and show Jacob just how lost I was, how lonely I have become. There was no point anymore, he couldn't make me smile, truly smile, no one could.

I tried to hide my shaking body while my mind overwhelmed with desire for understanding. If Jacob couldn't help me anymore I had no where else to go. No one to reach for. I was a single dead star in a sky of burning novas. My sun's flaring heat couldn't touch me now.

I was completely alone.

An island surrounded by oceans swarming with sharks. I could stand here close enough to kiss Jacob. I could go back and stand in the Cullen's main room literally encircled by the good meaning, however miss lead undead. I could be draped in Charlie's, even Renee's arms. I could be locked in a cold sterile building with countless other head cases and no where to turn for a second's privacy, and still, I would be alone.

My eyes tingled with the bitter taste of raw truth but there were no tears to cry. I was exhausted, and I had become the conductor in a symphony of awkward silence between life long friends. I sighed one last time as I had countless times before succumbing to the parasite of my thoughts, I obeyed the nameless force once again and 'sucked it up'.

I looked back up at Jacob, phony smile in place hoping he would find comfort in it. His face relaxed along with his previously tensed shoulders as I caught my first glimpse of the metal his body was hiding from my view. My smile warped into a gaping hole as my jaw dropped open.

"JACOB!" I pushed his massive body to the side with unnatural ease. He willingly stepped away allowing me to stand in front a huge shining black motorcycle. It looked so angry and dangerous propped against a thin metal stick. It's fluent curves and muscular body gave it more of an animalistic aura then mechanic. The bike intimidated me, I took a clumsy step back grabbing Jake's hand on the way pulling him aside as well.

"Jacob How-Yak Black!" The basics were all I could spit out amidst my shock but I was sure the outraged expression on my face was worth a thousand words. I could see myself, an outsider looking in. My fists tight and at my hips, my head sticking out violently in his direction with a fuming pout. I looked like Jacob's babysitter after he got caught doing something bad. Jake's smooth chuckle sounded from next to me. I opened my mouth to reprimand him but was stopped when he took my shoulders into his warm hands.

"Chill, Bella. It's just a bike." With one hand still on me he reached out and rubbed his palm against the glistening black body. "A gnarly bike."

"Why?" The shock was beginning to wear off but the concept of Jake on that big thing kept my stomach in a rolling knot of tension.

He turned his head with a devilish grin sending me into a flash back of Jasper.

"Why?", he repeated with an evil twinkle in his eye. "Because Quill, Embry, and my dad all went in to get it for me as a Christmas gift. The best Christmas gift!" His eyes returned to the metal, this time he swung one leg over the structure and rested atop it.

I smiled at the handsome sight of Jacob so happy and proud, I was being stupid. Of course Jacob could handle this beast. I tried to make up for my unusual arrival and questionable behavior with a trip down memory lane.

"Well that's just a plain lie, Jake. I believe we both know what the best Christmas gift you ever got was."

We laughed full hearty laughs in unison at the memory of our childhood Christmas'. Charlie always had Billy and Jake over on Christmas Eve to celebrate and it was tradition to exchange our gifts after dinner. When we were six I had spent all my piggy bank money on a Hair Color Changing Barbie for Jacob. I believed with all my heart he would love it every bit as much as I did. In return Jacob gave me a life like wooden carving of a wolf. It was baring it's teeth and scared me at night when the lights were out. We never spoke a word concerning the misguided gifts until years later. We both didn't want the other to feel badly.

"Yeah, I guess this awesome ride comes second to Hair Change Barbie." We laughed again and Jake stuck his long arm out to me. With a left over smile I looked at it.

"What?" I was still grinning when I realized what he wanted. My face fell once again into shock.

"Do you actually think I would be stupid enough to ride on that thing?", I demanded in disbelief. The only reaction Jacob had to my curtness was a casual roll of the eyes and his usual grin.

"Come on, Bells. It's fun." I snorted.

"You know I would never ask you to do something dangerous." Jacob's face grew serious in that one moment, but quickly returned to a more natural excitement. "Besides, it feels awesome to do something you know your parents would disapprove of."

I almost choked over the aggressive laughter ripping through my throat. Jacob couldn't have sounded less rebellious if he tried. My snicker drew a dark cloud over his features and the machine roared to life with his foots demand.

"Fine, suit yourself." Jacob twisted one of the handlebars causing the engine to rev. While doing so he shot me one last glare that again reminded me of someone else, Edward.

It seemed like all I could get from Edward recently has been glares or worried expressions and I was tired of it. I didn't want his attention, not in that way. I never asked for it and I don't need it. A hot anger bubbled in my stomach, without Edward's prodding eyes I wouldn't be here in LaPush hiding from life.

My lips curled up, "Wait!". I grabbed Jacob's shoulders and swung my leg over the pulsing metal. "I could use a little disobedience in my life too." Edward would literally knock a building over if he knew I was riding behind Jacob on this motorcycle, for some reason that made me rush with adrenaline.

Jacob turned his head and laughed. "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

I squeezed my arms I held clutched around Jacob's stomach and pressed my face between his shoulder blades as the world around us turned into flashes of broken color and sound. The motorcycle under us vibrated fiercely while Jacob's laughs carried back and swirled around my ears like wild air. His joy was contagious and while it was rooted in a false trip-like state, I allowed the cheap thrill to fill me. Our laughter ripped from our mouths and surged behind us before we could hear the sound.

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Before I was ready Jacob pulled into his driveway. Along with the arctic wind reality hit me strong and hard.

"Bella, Dr. Cullen was looking for you. He called a little while ago but I told him you weren't here. I didn't see you out there.", Billy called from the front door. My insides squirmed but I kept a clam face. How did they know?! I waved my hand to let Billy know I'd heard.

Jacob was bent over tinkering with something under the bike, "What does a Dr. want with you?", he asked casually. I rubbed my stomach grateful the water had already been purged, lying to Jake was sheer torture and my stomach crawled in protest.

"Carlisle is Edward's father, he was probably just looking for him." the lie slid easily from my tongue. No hesitation, no second thought. What was happening to me? This other person inside my head played with the controls growing stronger every day I fell weaker. It laughed while I mourned for my soul. Another battle lost.

I'd become a liar.

"Do you want to call him back?" Jacob stood up to face me waiting for a response.

I let out an exaggerated sigh. Why couldn't he just let this go? My head lolled back facing the pitch sky while I scrambled for another excuse.

"Oh! I get it, Bells." I lowered my eyes, taking in the enlightened expression igniting Jacob's face. My forehead crinkled together in confusion. What did he get? Jacob couldn't know the truth…. Could he?

"You're hiding from Cullen, the little one, Alice. You're avoiding her and her insane party planning aren't you?"

My face didn't shift an inch, I was still completely lost.

"Don't worry, I don't blame you for avoiding that house at this time of the year. Little miss pixie is kind of scary." Jacob shivered where he stood as if he were truly horrified by Alice's favorite past time.

I shook my head softly trying to understand, "Jake, the party is over. Don't you remember? We went together a couple of days ago."

"Duh, I know the Christmas party is over. I'm talking about her party. Her birthday party." His dark eyes grew wide in fear.

I quickly racked my brain for any mention of Alice's birthday, but there was nothing to find.

"Usually everyone gets hyped about it months ahead of time but the Christmas party this year kind of threw people off. Now they only have a couple of months to freak out" Jake chuckled at his remark while I attempted to put these fuzzy puzzle pieces together.

"I can't believe Alice is throwing another party." I couldn't believe Alice never mentioned her birthday to me. I thought we were getting so close. The gap between my burnt up star and the universe' supernova's widened.

Jacob's face fell into question, "There is no possible way mini Cullen hasn't told you about this party. She invites strangers off the street to that thing." My heart plummeted. Alone.

The night sky around Jacob hid his features like the disguise I bore. Full of defeat I listened to my breath as I sucked in then pushed it out through open lips. My eyes hurt, too many tears. I didn't want to have this conversation, I didn't want to be outside in this cold.

I was tired. Tired on so many levels, I'd lost count.

"Jake, do you think I could crash here. I'm really beat, not to mention freezing my butt off." I rubbed my hands against my upper arms to enhance the effect. Even through the evenings veil I saw Jacob's eyes narrow. After a moments pause he took me under his arm and lead us to the house.

"Always, Bells."

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"What the-?!" My heart rammed against delicate ribs from the slap of consciousness a loud ringing forced. My blurry eyes took a while to focus enough to make out the time on Jake's bedside clock. 1:27 a.m. Jake found my shoulder in the pitch black of his tiny bedroom and shoved me back into a lying position.

"It's just my cell, go back to bed." After the source of noise was identified I relaxed and despite my hammering heart I closed my eyelids and tucked my face back under Jacob's arm. Before I could get comfortable the same loud ringing sounded. I moaned softly cursing whichever of Jacob's friends decided it was imperative to talk this instant; while Jacob did the same out loud.

I felt his body shift next to mine as he reached for his phone, then stop.

"Who is it?" I mumbled already halfway asleep.

"No one special." Jacob whispered then tugged his comforter over my shoulders. I was immersed in a peaceful slumber before he reached the bedroom door.

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Motion tore me from sleep once again, I instinctually checked the clock, 1:53 a.m. I turned over as Jacob's arm grabbed my upper body pulling me rather forcefully into his chest. I wouldn't have thought anything of the action except his roughness was just so uncharacteristic. Once engulfed by Jacob's torso I could feel him shaking.

"Here, Jake. Get under the blanket, you're freezing." I lifted the material trying to aid Jacob, but he didn't budge.

"Go to bed." The words were quiet, but not soft. As I lay there questioning Jacob's behavior I once again bowed to the will of exhaust and faded into darkness.

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When I opened my eyes next, the world was bright once more. My eyes stuck on crystal like drops of water melting down from the snow mound above Jacob's window. They sparkled like diamonds mid-fall as the light caught them. I looked away quickly.

The peppy chirp of a nearby bird filled Jacob's small room. No wonder Jacob always smiled, it would be hard to wake angry in such a pleasant environment. I stretched my limbs out across the empty bed relishing the rush of pleasure it sent through me. I wrapped Jacob's thick blanket around my shoulders and walked over to the window. It was unusually light out considering there was no sun to be seen, but the light was more then is expected in this dreary town, so the view made me smile. It was the best morning I'd had in days.

I walked down the narrow hallway that lead to the Black's kitchen with a smart remark concerning Jacob waking up first for the first time ever ready on my lips. As I rounded the corner I caught an early glance of Jake sitting at the far end of the Kitchen table.

"Hey, Jake strap! Why'd you get up so early? Was there a Barbie sale I didn't know about?"

I giggled furiously over my own joke acting more like Jake then I would have liked. I took a step closer, finally passing the cabinet that blocked most of his body from my view and I stumbled back so fast I tripped over the dragging blanket and fell to the hardwood floor.

The blood rushing through my body grew so loud it was all I could hear through hot ears. My vision fogged over as I clawed desperately at the ground blindly trying to stand, trying to get away.

Through the flood of my heart beat I heard two chairs scrape against the floor. My stomach rolled and I bent forward with an open mouth ready for the surge of nausea.

"Bella?" Jake's voice was worried, worried in the exact way I didn't need right now.

One strong arm slipped around my back pulling me up with a single fluid motion.

"Edward."

GO VOTE!!!

Side Note - Do any of you guys watch Gossip Girl?… If so I would like to lodge a formal complaint - they totally stole my line!!! (STARVED - My knight in skinny Armani jeans. / GOSSIP GIRL - My knight in shinning Armani.) Grrr!.. Biters!!!

Ok - what do you guys think? I tried really hard to get this out in a timely fashion… 2 weeks is better than a month and a half, right?

So what do you think of Bella going back to Jacob?

What about Jacob not being able to cheer her up?

WHAT ABOUT JACOB's BIKE?! You didn't think I was gunna' throw that one in there, did ya'?!

Sorry about the cliffy… oh, who am I kidding?! No I'm NOT! LOL!!!

CHAPTER SONGS - All The Things She Said, by TATU (I know it's about lesbian love, but just pretend its about Bella and her ED. They are like 2 people arguing inside one body and the song goes beautifully with it. Like they hate each other, but love each other at the same time and the result is a whole bunch of crazy and line crossing.)

I Explode, by E for Explosion. It's Bella and Jacob (minus any romance… it's hard to find a song about friends) About how he wants her to be happy, and for them to be together… but Bella is just ready to give up on herself.

Goodbye to You, Michelle Branch. This is Bella realizing she is now a completely different being then who she started out as. She's saying goodbye to herself and to Jacob. Jacob used to be her safety, now he is just another person to run from.

PLEASE REVIEW!!!