Previously On Queer As Folk: Brian and Justin decided to start a family. Daphne offered to carry the baby, with Justin as the father.

Chapter Thirty-Five

By the beginning of the next week, Justin had finally finished painting the nursery. He would have finished sooner, but he'd been dividing his time between work, school, painting the nursery, working on his masterpiece, and keeping the house clean. Brian had suggested that they keep their cleaning lady, but Justin had refused. "It's my house, I want to clean it," he'd said.

"Whatever, have it your way," Brian had replied, rolling his eyes.

It was one of Justin's days off from both work and school, and since Brian was still at work, he had the house all to himself. I have this palace to myself, he thought. Actually, it's kind of depressing. This house is enormous and I've got no one to share it with. Sighing, he closed the door to the nursery and went down the long hallway to the stairs.

As soon as he reached the bottom step, his cell phone rang. Damn! Just when I was about to start working on my painting, he thought answering it. "Hello." It better not be my mother calling to ask when we're going to invite her over to come see the house.

"Justin, it's me." It wasn't Jennifer. Thank God. It was Daphne.

"Daphne?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, what's up?"

"Not a whole lot. I thought you should know that I'm...God, I can't believe I'm saying this...I'm ovulating." Justin's heart started to pound in his chest. Oh, my God, it's finally happening! I'm going to become a father! His face lit up in a smile.

"Daphne, that's great!" He couldn't hold back a joyous laugh.

"Yeah. So, whenever you're ready in the next couple of days..."

"I can be there later tonight, I just have to wait for Brian to get home from work, if that's okay with you."

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll be home."

"Thanks a million, Daph."

"Don't mention it. You know I'd do anything for you."

"Yeah."

"I'll see you in a couple of hours, okay?"

"Okay. See you then, bye." Justin disconnected.

Pulse pounding, Justin ran back upstairs and changed into blue jeans and a sweatshirt. He debated calling Brian, but figured that he would be on his way home soon and wanted to keep it a surprise until then. Relax, you're going to give yourself an aneurysm! Taking deep breaths, Justin went into his studio and tried to work on his painting.

Unfortunately, he couldn't concentrate on the painting. He couldn't stop thinking about the fact that if everything went as planned, he'd be making a baby in less than two hours and that in about nine months, he'd be holding his child in his arms. "Come on Brian," Justin hissed, looking out the window to see if Brian's car was coming up the drive yet.

Very slowly, an hour passed. Justin busied himself in the kitchen making a cake, even though he knew that most likely Brian wouldn't eat it anyway. More for me. He licked the chocolate out of the bowl and smiled. Delicious! Brian doesn't know what he's missing. After he put the cake in the oven, he did the dishes, desperate to distract himself in any way possible.

When the front door opened, Justin had to use all of his willpower not to run into the foyer and jump on Brian. "I'm home," Brian called, shutting the door behind him.

"I'm in the kitchen," Justin shouted back. It's almost time!

"Is that cake I smell?" Brian asked when he came in the room.

"Chocolate Chocolate Chip," Justin confirmed. "I'm celebrating."

"Celebrating what?" Brian furrowed his brow. He leaned down and kissed Justin.

Justin smiled and looked Brian dead in the eye. "I got the call," he said, heart racing once more.

"From Daphne?" Brian asked, a faint smile on his lips.

"Yeah. She's ready, so I thought I'd go over there tonight and…well, you know." Justin blushed.

"I know." Brian looked down at his shoes.

"Are you okay?" Justin asked. His conversation with Lindsay came back to him. Was Brian really okay with the arrangement? Could he go through with it and not feel guilty?

"I'm fine. Why?"

"You just seem..." he hesitated before finishing. "Upset."

"Why would I be upset?" Brian asked, chewing his lip.

Justin wrung his hands. "Are you really okay with me sleeping with Daphne?" he blurted.

"What?" Brian laughed in disbelief. Am I that transparent?

"If you aren't I'd understand, just tell me what you're thinking. Please." He grabbed Brian's hands in his. "Please," he repeated, begging.

"I'm fine with it," Brian lied. "I know it doesn't mean anything."

"Are you sure? If you're not, tell me now. I won't go through with it. We'll work it out."

"I'm sure." Brian's voice cracked. Goddamn it, he thought. "You go do what you have to do, I'll be here waiting when you get back. I promise."

"Thank you," Justin murmured, kissing Brian. "You don't know how much this means to me."

"No, but I know it makes you happy, and that makes it important to me, too," Brian replied.

"I wish you could be there."

"What for? To hold your hand?" Brian laughed. "You know how to do it. You'll be fine. If you have any problems getting it up, just think of what I'm going to do to you when you get home, if that doesn't get a rise out of you, nothing will." He kissed Justin and handed him the keys to the car. "Take it," he said.

"Thanks."

Justin gave Brian one more quick kiss before he headed for the door. "Drive safe and don't forget this." He tossed Justin's cell phone to him. "Keep it on."

"Anything else?" Justin joked.

"One more thing." Brian leaned in and kissed Justin." I love you."

"I love you, too." Justin kissed him back. "Now, I'd better get going before it gets too late. I'll see you later."

"Bye."

When the door closed behind Justin, Brian walked into the kitchen and got himself a glass of water. He started to think about what was going to happen when Justin got to Daphne's apartment. Justin and Daphne, making love. What hurt most was that he himself could not give Justin what he wanted. And so, Justin had to find it elsewhere. Brian gripped the glass so tightly that it shattered, embedding glass in his hand. He was too angry to notice the pain, or the blood dripping down onto the hardwood floor.

Justin was preoccupied the whole drive to Pittsburgh. Even though Brian had assured him that he wasn't jealous and that he was okay with Justin and Daphne sleeping together –– for the sake of procreation –– Justin still couldn't get Lindsay's warning out of his head. "Just be careful, okay? Brian would never say anything, but I know him better than he'd like to admit and I know that he cares more than he's letting on." Could Lindsay be right? Was Brian really okay with it, or was he desperately trying to hide the fact that he couldn't bare the idea of Justin sleeping with some one else, even if it was meaningless?

He would never willingly do anything to hurt Brian, not after all that they'd been through together. Now that he finally had Brian all to himself, he was that much more important to him. He wouldn't let anything destroy what they had together.

Justin debated turning around and going back home, but what would that solve? He wanted a child and since Brian had given him his blessing, he wasn't willing to give it up. It's best to talk to Daphne, explain the situation to her, maybe she'll agree to make an appointment with her doctor so she can be artificially inseminated.

By the time he pulled up outside of Daphne's apartment building, Justin was on the verge of panic. He sat in the car for fifteen minutes, staring up at Daphne's window. What should I do? he asked himself. He heard Brian's voice in his head. "You go do what you have to do, I'll be here waiting when you get back. I promise." Taking a deep, steadying breath, Justin got out of the car and crossed the street. Daphne buzzed him in and he slowly ascended the stairs, trying to make it last as long as he could.

Daphne was waiting for him at the door, holding it open. "Hey, Justin!" She hugged him.

"Hey, Daph. How've you been?" he asked, trying the keep his inner turmoil off of his face.

"Great! And you? How are things at the new house?" The conversation was a welcome distraction and he began to feel more relaxed.

"Mansion," Justin corrected, laughing. "They're great. I just finished painting the nursery this afternoon." Stupid! You just had to bring it up, didn't you!

"Awesome! What color did you paint it?"

"Green. That way whether the baby is a boy or a girl, it'll work."

"Good thinking."

"Thanks. So, we haven't really talked these past few weeks, how was New York?"

"Amazing! Oh, my God, I almost died when I saw Wicked!"

"That's good. Did you see Shelby when you were there?"

"Yeah, we hung out a little."

"So, how's she doing?"

"All right. She told me tell you that she misses you and you'd better come see her soon. She's got a really nice apartment, better than this dump. We were joking about me moving in with her. At this point, I'd almost rather live with my parents than here."

"Come on, it's not that bad." Justin looked around at the apartment. It was better than the studio that he'd had before leaving for New York, but nowhere near as nice as the loft.

"Just be thankful that you don't live here; half the time I have no hot water and when I do, the water pressure sucks. I can't wait until I can afford something better."

"Too bad you couldn't move in with us, we have more than enough room," Justin joked. Daphne went into the kitchen. "I'm making tea, would you like some?" she asked.

"Sure, thanks," Justin replied. He took another deep breath. You can't delay the inevitable forever, he reminded himself. "Look, Daph..."

"Yeah?" Daphne asked, sitting down on the couch next to him.

"I..." he struggled to come out with it. "There's something I want to talk to you about before we 'do it,' if that's okay." He fiddled with his shirt sleeve.

"Sure. Actually, there's something I wanted to talk to you about, too."

"You go first," Justin said, crossing his legs at the ankle.

"Are you sure?" Daphne asked.

"Yes," he insisted.

"Okay. Well, I made an appointment with the doctor...in case one of us gets performance anxiety or something." Daphne laughed and Justin could tell that she was just as nervous as he was.

"That's great!" Justin felt so relieved, like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.

"What did you want to tell me?" Daphne chewed her lip.

"I was actually going to ask if you'd consider making an appointment with the doctor. I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with this. Brian acts like he's fine with it, but now I don't know." Justin shook his head. "I don't want to hurt him, Daph."

Daphne moved closer to Justin and comfortingly put her hand on his. "It's okay, Justin, I understand. You went to hell and back to get him, he's the most important thing in your life."

"Thanks, Daph." Justin smiled, clasping Daphne's hand in his. "You really are my best friend."

"You're mine, too." They embraced. "So, how do you want to do this?"

"Well, I guess we could try to do it here, and if either of us can't do it, we'll go the doctor's," Justin replied, feeling slightly better.

"Okay."

They went into Daphne's bedroom. Her bed was the same on that she'd had in her bedroom back in her parents' house. "You still have this old bed," Justin noted, laughing. Before meeting Brian, Justin had spent plenty of time over at Daphne's house. They would sit up in her room or out at the pool and smoke or get high. A part of him missed those days, but what he had now was so much better. And he and Daphne would always be friends, even if they didn't see each other all the time anymore.

"Yeah. I can't really afford a new one yet, so I had to make do with this old thing." She sat down on the edge of the bed and unbuttoned her shirt, exposing her bra. Daphne nervously averted her eyes, slightly blushing. "Why is this so weird?" she asked. "It isn't like we haven't done this before."

"I don't know," Justin admitted. "Maybe it's because we'd both rather be here with someone else." He imagined Brian sitting on the other side of the bed, naked and motioning for him to sit down and relax.

Justin sat down next to her and pulled his sweater off, goose pimples rising on his flesh from the sudden draft. Slowly, he reached over and unhooked the back of Daphne's bra. She lay back and slipped out of her pants. I love you, Brian, Justin thought as he took his pants off and positioned himself on top of Daphne.

Back at the house, Brian was pacing throughout the spacious manor. He'd told himself that Justin sleeping with Daphne was only a means to an end, but he couldn't fight the jealousy burning in his gut. Just the thought of Justin in bed with another person made his blood boil. I remember a time when I didn't even know what jealousy felt like, when all I cared about was getting laid. How times have changed. Now I'm sitting here making a goddamn fool of myself over nothing.

Brian sat down in his office, trying to focus on paying the bills. As soon as he settled in, his mind flickered back to visions of Justin and Daphne having sex. Swiping the papers off of his desk, Brian angrily stormed out into the foyer. Why the fuck didn't I just tell him! Why couldn't I have been a man and told him I feel? He said he'd understand. Furious with himself, Brian picked up one of the chairs in the foyer and smashed it against the wall. Breathing heavily, he stalked into Justin's studio.

He picked up one of Justin's old shirts that he used as a rag. Brian held it against his chest, inhaling Justin's scent. That helped calm him a little, though he felt a pang in his heart. He saw the easel with the cover over it. Justin had said that he didn't want anyone to see it until it was completed, he was afraid that it was bad luck. Brian resisted the urge to tear the cover off and look at the underlying painting. Just then, he remembered that he still had a stash of drugs in the bedroom.

Ascending the stairs two at a time, Brian went into the bedroom and began rifling through the dresser drawers. He found the wooden box that he used for the safekeeping of his illegal pick-me-ups. Opening it, he saw that there was a joint in the otherwise empty box. Grabbing his lighter, Brian lit the joint and lay down on the bed. After a few drags, he felt the familiar fuzziness cloud his mind. Where's Mikey when you need him? Or Deb, she'd do. I don't want to be alone right now, for the first time in my life. He laughed bitterly.

Brian smoked the joint until there was nothing left. Putting it out in an ashtray, he lay back down. He felt very tired and though he still had work to finish in his office, he didn't have the energy at the moment to go back downstairs.

He got under the blankets and curled up with Justin's pillow, closing his eyes.

He opened them what felt like seconds later. Looking at the clock, he saw that he'd been asleep for an hour. Sunshine should be on his way home now, Brian thought, rubbing his head to clear it. Which means it's over and done with, whether you like it or not.

Sluggishly, he made his way downstairs and went back into his office, crouching down to pick up the papers that he'd angrily scattered earlier. Just fucking lovely, now I have to try to remember what order these damn things go in. Sighing, he sat down at his desk and laid the papers out on the desktop, trying to retain some semblance of order.

He was brought back to reality when he saw headlights through the window and heard the familiar sound of his car coming up the drive. He's home, Brian thought, pulling aside the curtain so that he could see Justin.

When the front door opened, Brian stepped into the foyer. "Hey," he chewed his lip.

"Hi," Justin said, tugging at his collar. "What happened in here?" He looked at the bits of broken chair scattered all over the floor.

"I got angry. So...how did everything go?" Brian asked. What a stupid question.

"Fine. We'll know in a few weeks whether or not she's actually pregnant. Hopefully we won't have to do that again." Justin frowned.

"That's...good." There was another pang in his heart.

Justin took a deep breath. "I couldn't go through with it," he blurted, looking Brian in the eyes.

"What do you mean? You just said..." Brian's heart pounded even faster.

"I know what I said. We tried, but it was just too weird for both of us. Luckily, Daphne had made an appointment at the clinic and...well, you can figure out the rest."

"Oh." Thank God!

Brian ran and took Justin into his arms, holding his closely and kissing the top of his head. "I love you," he said over and over.

"I'm sorry I put you through that," Justin whispered, tears in his eyes. "I..."

"Shhh. It's my fault. You asked me to tell you how I felt and I didn't. You were just so happy, I couldn't ruin it for you. I didn't know how jealous I'd get until it actually happened," he admitted. "I thought that I could convince myself that I didn't care, that no matter what happened, you'd still be coming home to me. I guess we've come full circle, huh?"

Justin smiled. "How about from now on instead of hiding your feelings, you share them? That way we can avoid situations like this."

"I think that's a good idea," Brian murmured.

"Me, too." He leaned in and kissed Brian. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you, too. The whole time you were gone, I couldn't think of anything else." Brian decided to omit his pot-smoking escapade. "I'm turning into such a sap." He chuckled.

"I like it, it gives you...character," Justin replied.

"I've got something I'd like to give you," Brian growled.

"Oh really? Well feel free," Justin replied. "Before I left, you told me that if I had any trouble to think of what you were going to do to me when I got home. I'm home."

"Well I guess, I'd better show you, then."

Brian picked Justin up into his arms and carried him up the stairs.

Next Time On Queer As Folk: Michael and Ben have Ted and Blake and Emmett and Calvin over for a couples' dinner. Brian, Justin, and Daphne discuss parental rights on their child.