Chapter 35

Insanity, USA

Everyone's jaws were dangling by a thread when Christian Brutal threw his kukri blade at them, the demented butcher once again out for their blood once more. Their jaws dropped even further when they saw the blade had missed Epic Scout entirely and instead struck the throat of a disfigured Scout Freak right behind them, the hideous mutant falling to the ground gurgling as its lungs filled up with blood. Epic Scout didn't even fully process what just happened, while Christian Brutal walked past him and examined his latest kill. The Freak's mouth was forced open in an oval-shaped fashion, and the eyes were practically sealed shut… Similar to another Freak the BLUs had seen prior.

"Bloody Scunt was about to take a bite outta your neck, Epic." Christian Brutal clarified, yanking the blade out of the jugular. "Any closer and you'd be singing 'Bloody Valentine' outta the gasher in your neck." Epic Scout walked up to Christian Brutal, a slightly confused expression on his face.

"Thanks, I think?" Epic Scout signed. Christian Brutal didn't respond, simply sheathing his other sword and looked about. "Why did you save us back there? Aren't you a Chaotic Evil Freak?" Christian Brutal paused, wiping the blood of his blade.

"I've been going through… a lot, lately." Christian Brutal said, rubbing the blood on his fingers. "And besides, you blokes can't exactly keep a secret well, now can ya?" The butcher rose to his feet, smirking at the gathered BLUs. "Yeah, I bloody know you all are the real BLU team, and pretty much most of the Facilities knows about these weird cameras." Christian Brutal reached into his pocket and produced a crushed Bug, flattened like a pancake from some previous engagement. "Those that do either don't give a toss or are trying to smash 'em."

"And what camp do you belong to, zhen?" Spy asked, eying the Freak with suspicion. The Frenchmen felt a poke on his Adam's apple as the still bloody Tribalman's Shiv was pressed to his neck, with a slightly amused dark-garbed Sniper Freak.

"I'm in the huntin' camp, mate." Christian Brutal snickered. "There's somethin' going on in these parts, and I'm doing it to satiate my boredom." He tossed the blade aside, striking a random Scout Clone in the distance. "A bunch of Freaks are smashing these cameras for sport all over, and I'm game for doing the same." Engineer heard a blip on his radar device, pulling the device out and checking the number count of the Bugs. Much to his surprise, the number was steadily going down all over! Someone was picking off the Bugs, and doing it fast.

"Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle…" Engineer muttered. "The Freaks are cleaning up this mess faster than elephants at a peanut gallery…"

"But that's not all, mates." Christian Brutal announced. "My good friend, GentleSpy, was poking around and noticed that the Bugs started showing up in the Factory of all places. Hold up." Christian Sniper produced a kunai dagger from his pocket and flung it at a dented mailbox, pinning a Bug to the blue metal. "That give ya any thoughts, Epic?" Epic Scout pondered for a moment, processing the information like a low-internet computer. Finally, the silent Freak snapped his fingers and sped off, leaving the BLUs, Christian Brutal, and his own vapor trail behind.

"Where'd that speedy bunny go off to?" Demoman asked, still favoring his face from the earlier explosion. Christian Brutal didn't say a word, and took off down the same street Epic Scout took. "Hold up, ya daft twit!" The BLUs ran after the two Freaks, swerving down abandoned streets and alleyways to catch up to their supposed escorts. Whatever got their knickers in a knot, no doubt it was big enough to have Epic Scout dash away like that. Finally, the nine men caught up to the two Freaks, who were ducked behind a car, overlooking a tall metal wall that seemed to blot out the sun. Epic Scout and Christian Brutal urged the BLUs to get to cover, hushing them and gesturing towards the car and other debris. Before the BLUs could ask why, a voice cut through the air, speaking in a familiar Southern accent backwards. The BLUs got to cover, ducking behind the car and a large dumpster, and tentatively poked their heads out to see what had Epic and Christian Brutal so scared. Turns out, there were a dozen things, all hideous to look at, all feasting on dead Clones, and all sporting the same look on their malformed faces as the Bugler. An entire herd of RED Vagineers, resting atop a recent massacre… right in front of the exit to the Factory.

"This does not bode well." Heavy grumbled, clutching Sasha tightly to his chest. There was no way in hell they were going to get into the Factory with an entire herd of RED Vagineers lying about, just waiting for some stupid idiot to wander into their territory and become lunch. The BLUs and their two Freak escorts ducked behind a tipped over car, watching the herd with careful intensity.

"Eeyuck… I hate Vagineers." Scout quietly muttered, scowling at the Vagineers as they did their own thing. "How the hell are we gonna get past these guys without pissin' 'em all off?" Christian Brutal silently drew a machete and prepared to move, but Epic Scout brought the homicidal Freak's arm down instead. The silent Scout Freak tapped the temple of his head and signed out his suggestion in two words: 'live bait'. "Good idea!" Scout cheered, only to realize everyone was looking at him and Heavy with sinister intent. "Hey… No way in hell!"

"C'mon, Scout," Engineer prodded, nudging the young batter on the shoulder. "We need y'all and Heavy to create a distraction so we can open the doors." Heavy silently nodded, but Scout still objected.

"What the hell do you want me to do?" Scout said, exasperated. "Dress in drag and do the hula?" Not five seconds later did brief drums sound throughout the area, alerting all the Vagineers to a lit streetlamp, shining on two equally ridiculous things: Heavy laying on the ground wearing a pig mask with an apple in his mouth and Scout shirtless and wearing a hula skirt and flower necklace.

"LUAU!" Scout belted out in song, waggling his hips back and forth. "If yer hungry for a hunk of fat 'n juicy meat, come and eat my buddy, Heavy, 'cuz he is a treat!" The plan started to work, as the full dozen Vagineers slowly stalked towards the two BLUS, their hideous mouths salivating in hunger. "Come on down and dine, on his big behind, all ya have to do is get in line~!" Epic Scout motioned for the others to follow, now that the way had cleared, as Scout and Heavy continued their charade. "ARE ya LOOKIN'?!"

"Yup, yup, yup." Heavy said in a disheartened tone, dropping the apple in his mouth.

"FOR some COOKIN'?!" Scout pulled Heavy to his feet.

"Yup, yup, yup." Heavy continued, watching the others get to safety.

"HE'S a big pig!" Scout exclaimed, throwing his arms up in the air.

"Yup, yup!" Heavy struck a pose.

"You can be a big pig, too. OY!" Scout punctuated the last bit with a hearty pelvic thrust. Once the song and dance was over (and the Vagineers sufficiently lured away), now was the perfect time to instate part two of the plan: BOLT! The two mercenaries screamed loudly and took off as the hungry Vagineers hooted and hollered as they ran in pursuit, vanishing in the alley while the others managed to safely make it to the door. The mercenaries and Christian Brutal took up guarding positions, while Epic Scout moved to the keypad and began inputting codes to open the door to their salvation.

"I don't zink zat Scout and Heavy enjoyed zis plan." Medic muttered, checking the cartridge of his Crusader Crossbow. "We made zhem look like idiots."

"I know, let's do it again." Spy snickered, puffing a cloud of smoke. "In front of a camera." Medic, Sniper, and Soldier all simultaneously nodded. Their thoughts were broken by a low growling, everyone's gaze turning towards a turned over dumpster where apparently the Vagineer herd was a baker's dozen, a thirteenth unseen Vagineer stalking out of cover, drooling and growling at them. "Merde."

"Ereh eikook, llew." The Vagineer growled. "Sdnoces dnes ot dediced nehctik eht ekil skool…" It let out a throaty, reversed laugh. "Em rof doog… Uoy rof dab!" The Vagineer lunged at the mercenaries, yowling in anger, only to be intercepted by a hammer to the gut, staggering the Freak and sending it to the ground. The BLUs looked and saw Christian Brutal Sniper, clutching a Powerjack hammer in one hand and a pickaxe in the other, and a manic look on his face.

"Oh, this is gonna be a real bloodbath…" Christian Brutal darkly said, watching the Vagineer rise to its feet. Behind him, the door opened with a hiss as Epic Scout finally cracked the codes for the door. Epic already took off down the empty corridor, while most of the BLUs followed in suit. Sniper, however, remained behind, looking at his Freak double prepare to fight against the ugly monster of a Freak. Christian Brutal noticed and turned his head to the side, sparing a short glance at his host DNA. "Look, your Heavy and Scout are still out there with the rest of the herd on their tails, I'll hold this bugger off until they get back, and we'll regroup on the other side. Got it?" Sniper almost wanted to step out and help his double, but past experiences in the bush told him that it's best not to interfere with other hunters. So, with a tip of his hat, Sniper retreated down the corridor, while Christian Brutal returned to his prey, tools of the trade at the ready. "Let's dance, Sheila." The Vagineer roared and charged at his new opponent, and Christian Brutal leapt into the air, poised to strike and engage in a battle that no one would dare miss…

Freak Holding Facility

The Factory

"Hoo-wee, look at all this tech." Engineer marveled, the BLUs coming to a halt within the Factory. The machinery of the Factory was, though slightly ugly to look at, was still a technological marvel. He almost didn't believe that Redmond and Blutarch shelled out so much money to hire private inventors to create such masterpieces of robotic artwork. The BLUs managed to enter into the new Facility, finally safe from the Vagineers, but clueless on where to go. Epic Scout was nowhere to be seen, and the seven men were lost in this mechanical jungle.

"Bloody speedy twit," Demoman scoffed, looking around the area. "Leavin' us behind like a sack of crap in the barnyard." Sniper looked about, trying to find his bearings of the place. Engineer checked his device, only to find the screen filled with static. Even after fiddling with it for a while, the Texan tinkerer yielded no results.

"Well, we better find our good friend Epic soon." Engineer muttered, pocketing the now useless device. "Cuz right now we're sittin' ducks on a firing range." The others nodded in agreement, starting down an alley. However, two steps in, and the side of a nearby building explodes with two figures, one red and one blue, running through. In a mere instant that the Mercs caught glimpse of the two blurs, they saw Epic Scout slung around the meaty arm of a grey-skinned Heavy Freak wearing a bear pelt. The two were gone in an instant, leaving the Mercs… extremely confused.

"What in Saint Margarita's name was that?" Soldier asked.

"That, pardners," Said a familiar Texan's voice. Emerging from the rubble was none other than T. Engie, a finger on the pistol in his holster and a smug look on his face. "Was what happens when you fuck with the bull." The BLUs immediately readied their weapons, while T. Engie simply rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses. "Now, boys, y'all don't wanna feel the horn, too." A bullet pinged off the wall near T. Engie's head, the mercenaries glaring at Scout's smoking pistol, while the Boston Batter sheepishly grinned. "Apparently you do." He lazily pulled the revolver from his holster, loaded the bullets, and took aim. "Sure, I may be a Freak, but Ah'm still a RED. So long, BLUs." And he fired a single shot.

Author's Note: HAPPY EARLY INDEPENDENCE DAY, EVERYONE! Or if you're from Great Britain (like our dear Chief Editor), Happy Treason Day, you wankers! We're back with Project FREAK and better than ever! After working on so many other stories, we're finally getting back to the story you great people love so much, and chapters will come out faster now that the rest of the IDA is back from their 'vacations' (which I like to refer to as 'Screw Mask Over Days'). Unfortunately, I do have a bit of bad news to deliver. In three months, production of stories will slow down quite a bit, but you don't have to worry about that until much later. In the meantime, sit back, relax, and enjoy the carnage to come…

~IDA Official, Head Writer Mask