Merlin woke up to his alarm clock he didn't remember setting. Maybe Arthur did? Anyway he was glad that he had woken up, his mother wouldn't be happy if she had found them sleeping when she came back home. Arthur mumbled something about not wanting to wake up and he squeezed Merlin in his arms. Merlin tried to reach for his clock but Arthur's sleepy weight was preventing him for reaching it.
"If you don't want to listen that all day, you'll have to let me turn it off." Merlin grumbled while trying to reach his clock. He was about to comment on how much Arthur weighed when Arthur reluctantly loosened his grip a little so Merlin could just barely snatch his clock and turn it off. Arthur snuggled to Merlin's side again when Merlin had put his alarm clock back to his nightstand. He had his eyes closed and hair ruffled and Merlin had to smile and wonder if he could just call Arthur cute and join Arthur to sleep for just a little while… A somewhat bubbly feeling rose inside of Merlin, he wasn't just tolerating this and he wasn't intimidated by how strong Arthur felt even if he was half asleep. He felt comfortable and warm and he wanted to press himself even closer, maybe return the hug or just snuggle closer to Arthur's chest. They were still under the same blanket, Arthur's legs wrapped around his right leg and his arms on his waist and under his pillow. If he just turned to his side and wrapped his arms around Arthur… but that felt too straightforward. What if it annoyed Arthur? Or was too much? Or bothered him or if he was just so much asleep that he didn't know the difference of him and a pillow? Besides, in his mind, these wants and needs felt unwanted and dirty. He couldn't let Arthur know how much these kind of thoughts he had inside of his head.
"We umm, should get some breakfast…" Merlin mumbled not looking at Arthur who didn't seem to find this a least bit embarrassing. "Mhmm" Was the only reply Merlin got from Arthur. He didn't seem to want to wake up. Merlin laid there for a while feeling himself tense for he didn't know what to do while his mind concentrated very much on the contact he had with Arthur. He listened Arthur's slow breathing thinking that he had no chance to be that calm. He could feel Arthur against his side and Arthur's arms under his pillow and on his waist, his leg's weight and he was still shirtless… It was rapidly becoming too much. When Merlin felt something stiffen in his pants, he knew he had to get out soon. He couldn't let Arthur see, or God forbid, feel that.
"I want breakfast. I'm leaving now." Was all he said and apparently he had managed to sound determined enough because Arthur actually removed his arm and turned to his back. Merlin didn't even change, he just walked out of the room. He walked straight to the kitchen and after he was sure Arthur wasn't following him, he let out a sigh and checked his situation. He was glad to find that he was calming down, but he still felt shame. His thoughts aside, even if he was sure they showed on his face far too often, if he didn't say anything they wouldn't come out, but why did male anatomy have to have this kind of a dead give away? Everything Arthur did, seemed to get him hard. Even just normal touch or small things that were not supposed to be erotic turned him on. Like Arthur kissing his nose or Arthur opening a button or touch his neck or… the list could have gone forever from little things like how Arthur looked to more erotic things like when Arthur sometimes kissed him with tongue involved… 'Ok, I'm not thinking that now…' Merlin thought and tried to distract himself by reading his mother's note.
The thought of going to buy lunch from Gwaine made him pleasantly distracted. Going out didn't seem a bad idea anymore and he wanted to talk with someone. Well, maybe not about his self consciousness and body issues with Gwaine, but just to chat with someone. Maybe giving the therapy Freya had recommended a go wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
Merlin went back upstairs finding Arthur fast asleep, hugging a pillow, blanket only up to his waist. Merlin blushed at the sight of Arthur's bare, lean back. It looked so good… Merlin knew the amount of work Arthur did to make his body to look that good, but Merlin couldn't believe that even if he did the same, he would look even nearly that good. Arthur's skin looked smooth and it was nicely tanned. Merlin wondered if it was ok to just let his fingers trail Arthur's spine or his muscles and before he thought about it, his hand had moved to reach for Arthur's sleeping form.
His fingers were so close that he could feel the heath that was radiating from Arthur when the fear struck. For some reason his mind threw him a picture of Arthur snatching him by his wrist and pulling… he could see angry eyes and feel a painful squeeze around his wrist. his legs tried to give and Merlin just barely remembered to breath before that happened, but he still wavered where he stood. He slowly sat down, careful not to make a sound and just breathed shakily in and out slowly. He kept his eyes on the sleeping face in front of him and hugged himself hoping to stop shivering.
Arthur was still looking calm and definitely sleeping and after a short while Merlin could just think 'What am I doing?'. Arthur wouldn't do anything like that, he wasn't afraid of Arthur. He wasn't, so what was this? What was he afraid of? The answer was of course, quite a lot of things. He was afraid of Uther and losing control and saying something wrong or losing those he held dear and going back to school and his own mind and the court and going out alone and… But not Arthur, not his mother, not this house, not anything that was in this room or in this house or even outside of it, not near at least, so what was he afraid right now?
As he tried to time his thinking with the rhythm of Arthur's breathing so he would stay in presence, he came to a conclusion. Nothing, there was nothing he was actually afraid of right now, it was that the fear was inside of him like a snake that could bite at any moment. A snake that had grown many heads during the time he had been under Uther's control and even if Uther was not here, the control was still there until Merlin would bit by bit break it. And it was something he would need to do himself. While others could support him and hold him when he broke down, they couldn't go inside of his head and pick up the pieces of Merlin's broken view of world or change what he felt. He would have to find the courage and strength to slay the snake himself. One head at a time. He would have to and he would have to learn not to take the easiest way. When Arthur or his mother would ask him what was wrong, he would have to see the effort of telling them. Not just run away to take a nap he didn't really need or lie because it was easier.
Merlin looked at Arthur who hadn't as much as stirred. Arthur… had wanted to help, that much Merlin could believe. Maybe he could ask for the help, maybe he could afford to show he was weak when it didn't matter. Maybe he could take a deep breath and face his fears one at a time and afterwards ask Arthur to tuck him in at night and his mother to make him tea and read him old stories. He was sixteen, he wasn't a child anymore and it felt embarrassing to admit that he still wanted to be treated as one at times, but maybe he could do that. Just slay the first head of the overgrown monster and trust in his mother and Arthur completely. Giving up on the little control he had and laying his soul bare frightened him, but he knew it was supposed to. He was afraid, but he had to take the risk in order to find himself a way out of this. And who could he trust in this world if not his mother and Arthur who had given everything up just to be with him.
Merlin took one deep breath and before he could start to doubt himself, he let his fingers run through Arthur's hair and to his cheek. He caressed Arthur's cheekbone and thought over and over again that nothing bad was happening, that Arthur wouldn't get mad even if he was awake. Then just the smallest of smiles broke to Arthur's features and his eyes fluttered open. Merlin could just stare into his love's eyes, hazy with sleep they again closed slowly, but the smile still remained as Arthur fell asleep once more.
Merlin breathed out what was almost a sob. He pressed his forehead against Arthur and murmured "I love you…" almost whispering. This was all the proof he needed. He had made the right decision. From now on he would try his best.
He walked into their closet and changed there. He briefly thought of waking Arthur up but he didn't really feel any need to it. He could go out and walk to Gwaine's store alone. Arthur was sleeping so soundly and it was Merlin's fault that he hadn't got to sleep at night, so the least he could do was to wake him up with a breakfast.
As merlin walked towards Gwaine's shop, he felt pretty good with himself. The weather was nice and he remembered the sunrise they saw in the morning and he felt lighter. He would remember that sunrise and it would mark this new start he was determined to make for himself. It had been good to talk. He had done the right thing for them all yesterday and he could feel a bit proud of himself for that.
He remembered the feeling he had had last night after Arthur had closed their door and walked downstairs. Just for a moment hearing Arthur's steps had calmed him down, it was nice to hear where everybody where and what happened in the house. He didn't feel the same lonely feeling that he had felt in Uther's house because of that. He had thought he could just fall asleep like he had many times before he had thrown up, but he felt too alert and just too awake to do that. He had no idea of what his mother and Arthur were doing and soon enough he had gathered his blanket and opened the door. He hadn't planned to go downstairs, but somehow he had felt a need to be closer to them and so he had slowly walked the stairs while listening.
It had been something very relieving when he had gathered that his mother didn't blame Arthur in any way, but when he had heard how his mother thought he had been screaming maybe on nightly basis, Merlin had just felt… in a way like he had no opinion or feelings to that. It wasn't true, he had not screamed, that would have been almost suicidal with Uther, but there was just so much more into this and it was not all as bad that his mother made it sound. Some things just were. Somethings had been bad and eventually Merlin had been able to talk about those too. He was sure he would never be ready to talk about details of how and what Uther had done to him, but maybe that was not the point. Maybe the feelings were more important than that. Maybe it would be alright in the future too not to tell how Uther's dick had tasted like, but lying about his feelings… he would have to stop that.
It wouldn't be easy. He was so used of hiding behind closed doors and false smiles that he would have to work hard to get used to smiling when he really felt like it and opening doors he had tried to close with lies. Merlin had to see a bit of humour in this. He could now fully understand the metaphor of being in a closet.
When Merlin reached the store, Gwaine was laying on the floor behind his counter reading some very official looking documents in the most unofficial way there possibly was. Some of the papers were on his stomach, some next to him on the floor and some in his hands. They couldn't be in any kind of order at this point.
Merlin just walked past him to see what kind of sandwiches Gwaine had made today. "You could at least say hello, you know?" Gwaine commented from the floor not pausing his reading. "Haven't I given you enough personal information to last a lifetime of good manners?" Merlin shot back choosing the only two options Gwaine had made today, spicy turkey for Arthur and salmon for himself. Gwaine looked at Merlin a bit taken aback, but when he saw just Merlin's back, he sighed and gathered the papers before standing up just in time when Merlin put two sandwiches and some chocolate on the counter.
"I'm ready now. I can come today and tell everything I know." Merlin said determined and looking Gwaine in the eye. This Gwaine hadn't waited for and a ridiculously big smile broke to his face. He had known it all along, Merlin would come to this decision himself, he was ready to stand up for himself and Gwaine had been right to trust that. "You are brave, you know that right?" He had to ask for how Merlin was standing in front of him, that should have been apparent to anyone, but maybe Merlin didn't see himself as he should.
As expected Merlin looked a bit weirded out and to Gwaine it seemed like he was trying very hard to tell if Gwaine was joking or not. Looking at Merlin in the eye now, Gwaine felt there was something else there that courage too, there was something very smart, even wise in Merlin's eyes. He had clearly done some thinking most of his age, hell even people in general wouldn't have been able to do at this point of time and affairs. That moment Gwaine realised that he would respect Merlin for the rest of his life. They wouldn't just know each others because Merlin had gotten beer from him, but because they really, truly were friends.
"I'm not that brave…" Merlin finally said and there was something else Merlin wasn't saying, but Gwaine had a pretty good idea what that was. "Hmm, I would say you are, but if you don't feel like it sometimes, you have me and Arthur to be brave for you." he said with all the sincerity he got and ruffled Merlin's hair over the counter.
Merlin made a movement with his head like trying to avoid Gwaine's touch and grumbled something about not needing to be petted. Gwaine chuckled at him softly and Merlin had hard time trying to hide his smile. "I might have some roast beef in fridge if you'd like to have that instead." Gwaine said pointing at the salmon sandwich while already walking to his kitchen.
Merlin scratched his head and shook his head, but he knew Gwaine had already seen his smile. And maybe that was good.
Gwaine arranged the time he would come and pick Merlin up with Iseldir while he made the sandwich and told Merlin more or less what to expect his lawyer to be like. He also warned him about the Adder. "Just tell what has happened as it has. Remember that you have done nothing wrong and be aware that he has a habit of cutting your sentence in a middle if he gets the answer he wanted." Merlin listened all the advice very seriously. He would need whatever he could have in advantage.
He only left when Gwaine closed the store at two o'clock. They would see again at five.
Merlin found Arthur still sleeping when he walked in their room. For a moment Merlin just kept looking at Arthur's relaxed state and wondered if he had the right to wake him up, but it was really a high time for him to wake up. "Rise and shine. It's a nice day outside!" Merlin said overly cheerfully and opened their curtains so the light would shine in the room. Arthur groaned at him. "What nice is there if I have to wake up…" he complained and tried to cover his face with a pillow.
Merlin stepped to stand right next to him. "Breakfast!" He replied still cheerfully. Arthur turned lazily on his back and Merlin couldn't help but smile at Arthur. He was a bit cute like this and when he stretched, his blanket slid away from his chest and Merlin would have lied if he had said that he didn't like what he saw. He dismissed the feeling of it being wrong. Hadn't he already confessed to Arthur that he was attracted to him when he had told him that he loved him anyway? Now with his mood high and feeling like he had accomplished something today, he could think it that way.
"So, this breakfast you were talking about…" Arthur said as he sat up in the bed making last of the blanket that had covered him from half way of his ribs to slid down. Merlin couldn't keep his gaze in Arthur's eyes anymore so he turned away handing Arthur his sandwich. Maybe he could retire to their couch?
"How's Gwaine?" Arthur asked while opening the wapping. "Lazy as usual." Merlin told him while sitting to their couch to eat his sandwich. Arthur laughed but soon concentrated on eating having not eaten in… about eighteen hours made him ravenous. They ate in peaceful silence. Arthur could tell that Merlin was somewhere deep in thought, but it was alright because he didn't seem like he was spiralling inside of himself but like he was really thinking. It was nice to watch and Arthur felt proud. Of Merlin, but also a bit proud that he could say that his boyfriend really was intelligent. He wished that someday Merlin could use his full potential in something he loved. He wished he could help Merlin get there and support him on the way.
After he had eaten, Arthur went to take a shower to wake up properly and Merlin sat outside to read a book. He normally didn't like too much to read outside because sun light reflected too brightly from the white of pages, but today he did it to stay awake and calm his nerves a bit. He had now gone through every advise Gwaine had given him and he had thought of what he wanted to tell. He knew there would be questions he couldn't prepare himself for, but he had accepted now that he would have to confess many embarrassing things and not just those that had been done to him, but also those he had done himself he was not proud of.
In a way when time had passed, Merlin had started to live just hours at the time. It was always 'now' and 'tonight', never 'yesterday'. That had made him able to cope, not remembering and denying all the hard times by telling himself that he had survived and it was over so it didn't exist anymore. Now he would have to go back to those times he had never processed in any way other than labelling them as something he didn't want or even hated. The hardest thing right now was that he couldn't predict how doing that would affect him. That one, he had decided, he would just have to wait and see, but then there was the things he couldn't, wouldn't tell.
First of all, Arthur. Merlin couldn't tell that he was now dating Arthur. Gwaine hadn't said anything about that, but Merlin knew that it would make everything so much more complicated and whatever happened, Merlin didn't want Uther to focus on his son in any way during this all and especially not to the fact that he and Merlin were together. While he had thought this through, Merlin had felt fear of the thought of lying when he would be asked to tell the truth, but looking at Arthur eating on their bed, he had come to a conclusion that it was not their business. That they were now boyfriends had nothing to do with what had happened, it all would have happened either way and Arthur had no part in anything else but being there giving some light and hope in his life.
The second thing he would have to keep to himself would be from where he had gotten the alcohol. Merlin was quite certain that they would ask him about the drinking, the police must have found the rest of he is beer. He hoped that he would never have to talk about it with his mother, but that felt very much a pipedream at this point. For now Merlin had been able to not even think about drinking that much and he hoped it would stay that way, but giving up on drinking completely or promising he would felt very taxing and almost impossible at the moment so he wished he wouldn't have to. But the point was, that he couldn't let them know that Gwaine had sold him the beer. He was working as an officer for crying out loud and even if Merlin had lived in a delusion that he could pass himself old enough to buy alcohol, he now knew that if asked, Gwaine had no way of convincing anyone that he had thought that Merlin was on age without even asking to see his ID. Just no way, even Arthur looked at least two years older than him at the moment.
Merlin stared at the page he had been reading and he realised that he didn't have any idea what he had just read. This wasn't working as well as it had in the past. Maybe he should dig a school book out and force himself to concentrate? Or maybe not… wasn't his this morning's resolution to not escape, but deal with things as they came? But what could he do? What was there?
He remembered when he had last time tried to think of something he still enjoyed or wanted to do on his free time, but right now he felt that he was even worse now. He just had no idea of what to do when he couldn't study. It wasn't like he could just go inside his head and fix himself either. Around him was just time and the only thing he could do was to hold his thoughts in place and think blank very much with a same concentration that while holding a breath.
He concentrated on watching how wind ruffled some leaves in a nearby tree he could see over the fence and listen of all the sounds he could hear not paying any attention of what they were, just listening how they sounded until he heard Arthur's footsteps approach and then a soft knock to the side of the open door. Arthur had started to knock when he came from behind Merlin at some point. Merlin wasn't sure why.
He turned slowly to look at Arthur and saw the effort to smile a little. Maybe he could do something with Arthur like yesterday? But at the moment he didn't feel like cuddling or actually moving anywhere… Was that alright? Or if he didn't feel bad right now, should he let Arthur decide what he wanted? He rose his legs to the chair and hugged his knees, he wasn't sure why, but it just felt more comfortable.
Arthur sat next to him after answering the smile he was offered, but then he looked a bit troubled. "Something wrong?" Merlin asked soon trying not to fear for the answer. Not everything was because of him, he mentally reminded himself. "Gaius has called me yesterday…" Arthur said sounding a bit awkward. 'Ah… of course.' Merlin immediately understood and nodded once before letting his gaze drop. He hadn't even called Gaius that he wasn't going to make it. In fact, he hadn't even sent his new number to one of the dearest people in his life. That… had been a mistake. He was finding more and more of them now wasn't he?
"If you want, I can go to meet him." Arthur offered catching Merlin completely out of guard. What Arthur was offering, was so much at the same time. He would go alone to meet a man he hardly knew in place of Merlin to tell something he had struggled to tell to two of his friends. Something that was weighing him down in so many different ways.
To merlin, it seemed that Arthur was actually the one who had lost everything because of Merlin. He had lost the only blood relative he had any contact to, he had lost the living style he was used to and the secured future he had had. He was saddled with a boyfriend who had been sulking in corners for the best part of the last week even if his life had gotten better in hundred ways compared to just a week ago or month ago or year ago… It just didn't seem fair and still he would do this for Merlin.
Merlin felt extremely selfish for feeling happy of Arthur's offer. He couldn't take it of course, even if he was seriously tempted, how could he? But he knew he couldn't go himself either. Not now, maybe not before the court had taken place if even then. Maybe there was a way he would never have to tell the man who had accepted his sexuality and his feelings for his step-brother about this? No… of course there wasn't. If someone, Merlin felt that Gaius was someone he could ask for help and he had the right to know too. He missed the older and wiser man and he felt he needed him almost the same way he needed his mother.
Merlin looked at Arthur who was looking at him very closely. He wanted Merlin to decide and for a good reason, but what could he say? Please go and tell him that I need him to offer me tea like he always does, but I can't come there so could he come and deliver it to the corner of my couch? I'll be hiding from the world there...
He must have hesitated for too long, or maybe Arthur could see it all from his face, but in any case Arthur seemed to know exactly what was going on in Merlin's head. "I really don't mind going. I think it would be best if I went today… He must be worried too and I dodn't think a phone call would cut it." He said in a patient and kind tone, but Merlin just felt a pang of hurt and a bite of fear. Yes, Gaius must have been worried, he had gone as far as to call Arthur after all and Merlin had been supposed to visit last thursday too. He had let yet another friend down. Like Gwen… he would also have to call Gwen and stop avoiding her. And ask her to tell Lance that he was gaining weight and he would have to send his new number to Will and he had been supposed to call to Vivian almost a week ago and… oh God why had he ignored everyone all this time?
"I really messed this up…" Merlin said out loud and rested his forehead on his knees. He would have to start fixing this, but from where? There were so many things…
Arthur looked at Merlin and decided that he was making no sense again. "Of course you didn't mess up whatever you mean." He said with a bit more stern voice he had intended. Merlin turned his head to glance at him. "… No I did. I should have called him sooner. I shouldn't let you all wait for me…" Merlin's voice was quiet, but sure and Arthur felt every word like the world's most beautiful apology. He felt that the last week hadn't been in vain, that all the effort he and Hunith had gone through had been worth it now that Merlin had said these words. They made him feel lighter, less tense and connected to Merlin again. They were in the same world again.
"Don't worry about it. We all understand. And it's not all on you, Gaius called me last week too, but I completely forgot it until now..." He said gently and reached to run his fingers softly through Merlin's hair. Merlin leaned to the touch just a little bit but started to look sad and pained at the same time. "I- It would be great if you went, but I can't… you have done so much for me already and I'm just- " Merlin's voice started with desperation turning to frustration and he buried his head to his knees halfway through so Arthur didn't really catch the rest. He wished he knew what to do to make Merlin see that to him it was enough that he wasn't sulking in a corner anymore and to see that he really didn't mind doing this for Merlin if it meant this much to him. He had seen Gaius once and he had liked him yes, but he knew to Merlin he was much more than that and in no way Arthur would let him go alone when he was like this anyway.
"I haven't done anything special… Just tell me if you want Gaius to know or not and if you want to come with me or not. I'm going either way when Hunith comes home." Was that too blunt? Maybe it had been, but Arthur had never been good at taking back his words so he just waited for Merlin's reaction.
There was a pregnant pause, but then Merlin took in a shaky breath and said with a quiet, shaky voice "If- if you can go… just- just tell him I'm sorry and… I'll see him when I…" Arthur didn't need anything else. He was ready to go especially now that Merlin had actually asked him to do something. Merlin looked troubled and he didn't finish his sentence so Arthur edged a bit closer to Merlin and gave him a hug. Merlin let out a sigh and let his head drop to his knees again. He was still hugging them so the hug was not comfortable and definitely a bit awkward, but Arthur knew that Merlin wasn't hiding from him and that was the most important to him at the moment.
"I'll just tell him in general what is going on and that we have moved here. You can tell him more yourself when you are ready." he murmured to Merlin's ear. Merlin nodded to his knees and Arthur let him go. "Believe me, Gaius will want to help you as much as me and your mother. He cares for you." He said in a sure tone and hoped Merlin would believe what he thought was obvious. Merlin nodded not entirely convinced but he tried to trust on Arthur's word.
"You can go now, I think he has waited long enough." Merlin said finally raising his head and looking at Arthur again. There was no uneasiness or doubt in his voice so Arthur was actually considering of doing just that, but then Merlin turned his head to look somewhere far away and continued "I have been making a huge deal out of this. It's not like I'm sick or injured. I have to stop acting like I am."
Arthur just blinked few times before he sighed and then for the show he looked up like he was asking strength from higher powers. He then placed his hand firmly on Merlin's shoulder.
"Merlin. This will be the only time I tell you this. You are not making a huge deal of anything. This is a huge deal and you need time, we all do. I don't want to hear you belittle what has happened to you." He didn't sound angry, but he was still very firm and Merlin knew there was nothing to argue about. He knew, that he had messed up and that he was overreacting and difficult and messed up, and if something, he didn't need to tell himself that this was a huge deal. He was troubled enough as it was, but he could also see that this was huge deal to Arthur. This Merlin would never deny, so he let it go with just a nod and a quiet "Sorry…", but Arthur wasn't happy with that either.
"Don't sorry me, if you have time for that, get something to eat and get healthier and then thank me for being this awesome." Merlin had to smile a bit at that. He felt the love he had for Arthur and that was enough to make his worries dim slightly. "Thank you…?" he tried this time and Arthur ruffled his hair fondly. "That's better. I'll go now, call me when we have food, I'm starving." Merlin smiled at him now a bit more widely. "Clotpole." he said. "I love you too." Arthur replied and with that he left. he could do what Merlin asked him to do, he would be fine for the hour Hunith would still be at work. While he put his shoes on, he wrote a short text message to her so she would know what to expect.
After Merlin had heard the front door close behind Arthur, he felt his stress of what Gaius would do or say rise, but now there was nothing he could do but wait. It was scary and the time ahead of him felt like eternity, but what he had to do now, was to stay in present and trust Arthur.
There was no way he could keep on reading now, so soon he wandered inside and eventually to kitchen. He was not hungry, but he still opened their fridge. There were ingredients for their dinner and some healthy snacks his mother had told him to eat whenever he felt like it like nuts and fruits. He was about to take out an apple just to have something to do, but he changed his mind and took out some potatoes and onions. He hadn't cooked anything in ages, but at least he could do some of the stuff he had done (and moaned about) most of his childhood when they had still lived in the village.
While he was washing potatoes and peeling onions, Merlin realised that he had forgotten to tell Arthur that Gwaine would pick him up at five. He took his phone out and texted his mother, but he didn't want to bother Arthur, so he just hoped he would be back home before five so he wouldn't feel like Merlin had lied to him again.
Arthur walked towards Gaius' home trying to remember where exactly it was and how to walk there. Maybe he should have at least asked Merlin some directions before he left? The extra time also gave him far too much time to think if leaving Merlin alone was a wise decision at all. But what could really happen in one hour? Ok, too many worst case scenarios popped to his head at once, but seriously speaking, their home was safe. And the look Merlin had given him when he had told him that he could go had just been… Arthur wasn't sure what, but he knew that Merlin wanted this over with too and well, maybe being alone for a short while would do Merlin some good. He himself was feeling quite good just being outside alone even if the walk was going to be short. Hopefully short, if he could just remember the name of the damn road…
It was about fifteen minutes later when Arthur passed a stone wall and to his delight he saw Gaius sitting on a bench next to his house. He yelled 'hello' at him and Gaius' face light up at the sight of him and returned in kind by telling him to circle around the house and come in.
Arthur was glad that Gaius was inviting him in. It would be much easier when they could talk inside. Arthur circled the house as fast as he could and found Gaius waiting at him his door open. Arthur walked in and sat to the table while Gaius went upstairs to make some tea. In Gaius' opinion it was always easier to talk while eating or drinking something. Most of the serious conversations tended to become awkward if your hands had nothing to do and judging by the posture and the lack of Merlin in sight, this conversation would be serious.
After Gaius had sat down and they both had a mug of tea in front of them, Arthur was supposed to start explaining. He opened his mouth but he didn't know from where to start. He knew he should have something by now and he was quite sure he had gone this through in his head at least ten times after he had talked with Elyan, but his mind was blank. Gaius wasn't in the most patient mood today so when he saw Arthur hesitate, he asked him straight "Arthur, what has happened to Merlin?" Arthur looked at him surprised by his bluntness. "I know I'm not really a part of his or your family, but he hasn't as much as answered his phone and neither have you. I would still very much like to know what is going on."
Arthur saw the same frustration he had felt many times in these last couple of weeks, even months in Gaius' voice. He took a deal breath never looking away from Gaius' eyes. Telling Gaius that his father had raped Merlin wasn't an easy thing to do. He hadn't thought it would be, but now it was in front of him and he started to feel his own shame rise its head. How ashamed he was to admit what his father had done and how much he wanted Gaius to like him, but he just had to ignore both of those feelings because it was his responsibility now to tell what he had promised he would.
When the silence kept dragging, Gaius got really worried "Arthur, is Merlin alright? He's not…" This Arthur had to answer right away, he heard the unsaid 'in trouble? seriously injured? gravely ill?'' and he didn't want to make Gaius guess anymore than he already had. "No! I mean… he's home now and he's safe now, but…" Gaius looked at him pained and clearly dreading what he would hear and Arthur himself felt his heart beat painfully fast. He had to take a deep breath in order to continue. What he was going to tell Gaius would in no way be any better than any of the worst case scenarios the older man obviously had.
"We- we live with Hunith now… We moved just last weekend to a house next to the park nearby…" Gaius looked confused now. He tried to make some sense to this confession when he realised that Arthur had said 'Hunith'.
"What about your father?" he asked and Arthur frowned and Gaius looked at him very much confused now. Arthur wanted to say 'not his father anymore' but it felt heavy, too heavy to say. "He- that man, is now in jail." he said with so much bitterness in his tone that Gaius had to raise his eyebrows at that. Arthur ran his hand through his hair and he looked positively sick and hurt and mad at the same time before he seemed to get his emotions in check. Gaius started to see the picture. Arthur's father had done something to Merlin.
But when Arthur gathered himself and straightened his pose and said "He- he raped Merlin." while looking Gaius straight in the eye, Gaius felt like under the worst he could have ever feared was another level of horribleness and he had just sank there up to his neck. This had happened once in his life before, but one didn't really get used to hearing that their loved ones had been hurt. It was too horrible to imagine. Merlin, his Merlin who was overly innocent, kept himself apart from physical contact and blushed about holding hands had been…
"No…" was the only thing he could say. It was like the whole world disappeared for a moment when he tried to wrap his head around that Arthur's father, who Merlin never talked about, had raped his step son. Merlin had been… oh God, these things never were that simple. It just didn't happen that a father suddenly, out of the blue, without any kind of warning just forced their step sons to have sex with them. There was always some kind of courting, hints and abuse beforehand. Oh God, when had this all started?
When Gaius' eyes focused again Arthur was looking down shame and pain written all over his face and Gaius immediately understood that he had to do something about it. Merlin was not here now and he himself didn't matter right now. He was the adult here and his responsibility was to concentrate on Arthur. The doctor he had been took responsibility and the control of the conversation they had just started.
"Arthur, are you alright?" Arthur rose his eyes to meet his and nodded. Gaius wasn't convinced. "Does Merlin know you are telling this to me?" Arthur nodded again "He will talk with you and he said he is sorry that it's so late, but he- we didn't have a very good night last night. He had night mares." Arthur was making excuses now and he knew it, he just wanted desperately to keep Gaius with them. He had known this was important, but right now he felt it so much stronger. He felt that he needed Gaius to keep talking to him and help him to help Merlin. He wanted to tell him that he wasn't the same as his father and that he wanted to take care of Merlin and that he wanted advice, that he couldn't do this alone, but he didn't know how.
"Tell Merlin that he can come to talk or not to talk anytime he wants. There is no need to hurry." Gaius' tone was steady and serious and Arthur could breath a bit easier, but he knew that even if Gaius had said that he needed to know more. He knew this all wasn't this simple and soon enough there were questions. "When did this happen?" Gaius asked and Arthur knew there was so much more to the question than the obvious. He took a sip of his tea to get some time to think of his answer. "I found out two and a half weeks ago, he was arrested one and a half weeks ago." Well, there was the truthful answer to the question.
Gaius nodded at him looking like pieces of a very painful puzzle were finding their place in his mind. So he had seen Merlin after the rape. And then Merlin had been… happy. He had seen Merlin in much worse shape than then. 'I have had a good week' shouldn't include getting raped. And there it was. Merlin had been cutting class and drinking beer in his bushes. This was the reason. The whole time Gaius had known Merlin, he had been sexually abused by his step father. That explained it all. Gaius had seen women who had survived rape and had needed medical help afterwards in his clinic a long time ago, but the thought had never crossed his mind. He had never been specialised in children and Merlin was a boy. While he knew this kind of things happened, nobody ever had talked about boys who have been sexually abused back in his days. There was no protocol or channels for them in most of the health care he had seen nor enough information for the victims or for doctors available.
"But it has started a long ago… right?" He said in a quiet voice not really wanting to hear the answer and knowing it already. Arthur nodded. "And we never noticed anything?" he continued feeling he had let Merlin down. Arthur shook his head sadly. They spend a long time in silence and then a lot of time telling all the little things they should have noticed and Arthur felt his guild ease a bit. Arthur told Gaius briefly how he had found it odd that his father locked Merlin's door and how he had heard them through a closet door and how Merlin had yelled him to go away when he had seen him chained to his bed. How the police had come and how Gwaine had saved them.
"It must be hard on you to realise what you father had done." Gaius told him at one point. Arthur nodded at that feeling he could admit that now but said nothing. "But you will take care of Merlin won't you?" Gaius' question surprised Arthur. "I will…" He said hesitantly not sure what Gaius was after, but somewhere in his heart a feeling of pride started to form. Gaius trusted him enough to ask him that.
Gaius' brain was getting more and more pieces together when his memory worked details together. Merlin had practically told him that he and Arthur had been on a date after Arthur had found out about his father raping Merlin and now he was here, in place of Merlin looking like his heart had been crushed and mended at least ten times in the past week. "Tell me, my boy, how are you and Merlin?" He didn't dare to ask straight if they were dating, he didn't want to be mistaken and make things more difficult they already were..
Arthur looked Gaius in the eye now knowing what he wanted to hear. He took a deep breath. He could say it, Gaius calling him 'my boy' somehow let Arthur believe that he wouldn't at least get angry at him if he said it. "I live with him." Gaius gave him a look that said 'And?' "…and not as his brother, but as his boyfriend." Arthur used Merlin's own words to explain. It was easier that way. To his surprise Gaius smiled fondly at him even if his eyes were tired and sad "At least you bring me some good news."
Arthur was dumbfounded. In his life he hadn't seen this kind of a reaction to this subject. His father aside, he had only ever heard positive comments of gays in his own age group and even those he could tell that were not personal. There was no-one who was openly gay in his school and he had never talked with anyone who actually knew any gays. His father's associates he had heard couple of times sharing Uther's views and he had thought it was an age thing. That all over forty found gays wrong, or after how Hunith had reacted, at least men over forty, but here he was sitting in a table with seventy years old man who didn't even seem surprised and Arthur realised that Gaius must have known Merlin was gay already.
"You… what have Merlin said to you… about me?" He asked feeling a bit shy. Gaius looked at him amusement replacing just the tiniest bit of his pain. Seeing Arthur get more animated was now his top priority. "Oh, he has mentioned you a couple of times." He said a bit teasingly trying to make Arthur feel a bit more comfortable, maybe he could help Arthur with whatever was seemingly weighting his mind?
Arthur found himself so interested to hear more that he forgot to be awkward. "Can you tell me something?" He asked and leaned a bit closer to Gaius who could see the same interest towards Merlin he had seen the first time he had seen Arthur. "I remember him being very happy about you holding his hand the last time he visited here…" Gaius tried hoping to keep the subject light as long as possible. Arthur felt his face heat a little, but hearing how Merlin had told something like that… maybe it had been as nice to Merlin as it had been for him? Arthur wondered if Merlin liked that kind of simple, non sexual touches the best.
"I- I want to do more than just hold his hand." Arthur said, suddenly needing answers from Gaius "But how do I know I don't hurt him, like…" He stopped midway his sentence. He couldn't say it. But he still needed answers. He was ready to ask for advice and he felt he could trust that Gaius would know them and tell them to him.
Gaius looked at him with a kind expression with a tad of pity mixed in. "It won't be easy to have a physical relationship with someone who has been hurt like that. You will have to be patient." Arthur looked at him with pained expression. "I know that, but how patient? I- I have tried but just last night I wanted him closer and I don't know, he seemed alright but then he woke up screaming in the middle of the night! What if it was my fault?" Gaius looked at Arthur seriously. That sounded very much like a post traumatic behaviour. The abuse had left an ugly scar in Merlin, of course it had, and Gaius had hard time believing how calm Merlin had been all those times when they had seen during the year. But again, he was supposed to concentrate on Arthur at the moment. He didn't know what this 'closer' meant, but he trusted in Arthur's ability to tell if Merlin was alright or not. He wasn't quite sure why, but there was just something in Arthur that made Gaius respect him.
"I would say, that if Merlin was alright he was alright. Dreams can be triggered, but you can't stop being close to him just because you are afraid of what kind of dreams he will have." Arthur sighed with relief. He had been afraid that Gaius would tell him that of course he was at fault and that he should stay away from Merlin. "What did you actually do with Merlin?" Gaius still had to know and he wanted to make sure Arthur had understood him correctly. Arthur blushed darkly. Even if he had wanted answers from Gaius, he kind of wished he could just read the questions Arthur didn't even know he wanted to ask from his mind so Arthur wouldn't have to say anything. "We share a bed… and I wanted him closer so I hugged him..." Arthur said blushing. He couldn't say anything about opening Merlin's buttons and touching his chest, it sounded too weird.
Gaius nodded. That didn't sound like anything one should get worried at all. And to share a bed… That meant Merlin's mother was aware and supporting of the situation. That was good. That would prevent a lot of hasty situations and create a much more comfortable environment for the boys to have a relationship. It also warmed his heart to hear that Merlin had found the courage to tell his mother about his sexuality. Merlin really deserved one supporting parent, everyone did, but especially now hiding his true self or being afraid of his mother's reaction… Well, Gaius was just happy that Merlin was free of that at least. Also… by the look of Arthur's face and his tone, and what Gaius knew what Merlin had told him… they were serious. And in love. Gaius couldn't ask for more. "If you would want my advice, although I'm not a psychiatrist…" He tried feeling quite sure Arthur would need someone to talk with him. Arthur looked eager "Yes, please" he said looking at Gaius keenly.
Gaius smiled a bit. He had managed to make Arthur trust him enough for him to try to help him. "It seems that you are very close and I know Merlin have had feelings for you a long time now, what about you?" Arthur's heart jumped with joy when Gaius told him about Merlin's feelings and it was not difficult to answer him after that. "I have loved him for a long time now… I never expected he would return my feelings.." He now had a faint but permanent blush on his cheeks but Gaius also saw his face lit at the mention of Merlin in this kind of context. "And you did nothing about it until recently?" he asked "No… actually it was him who asked me to kiss him…" The air was getting pink and fluffy around Arthur and Gaius almost saw a pleasant memory play in front of Arthur's eyes. Teenagers… The only good thing Gaius could think about growing old was that he wouldn't have to be teenager ever again in his life.
Gaius cleared his throat and Arthur snapped out of whatever that had been. "But you are unsure of how to be with him now? You feel that you don't know where the line of too much is?" Arthur looked a bit ashamed "Once I wanted to… I don't know, it was just for a short while. I have never been so much interested in this kind of stuff but with Merlin… it's just different."
'Interesting' Gaius thought. "So basically your sexuality has just woken up and now you are afraid that you will lose control and hurt Merlin who is in no doubt in a fragile balance of the whole topic." Gaius remembered vividly how strongly Merlin had reacted when they had talked about his homosexuality and if Arthur had seen anything like that, it was no wonder he didn't know how to act. Arthur now looked his mug like the steam rising from it would tell him the meaning of the universe and nodded stiffly. "My boy, think for a while, what would you do and feel if Merlin said you that he wanted you to stop, for example when you were kissing him?" Gaius knew the answer to that, but he needed Arthur to realise it himself too.
Arthur thought this for a moment. Merlin had not said he wanted to stop many times but he had pulled away and he had shown signs of discomfort and Arthur had always let him go. If he wasn't hysterically trying to claw his way out of a shower trough wall that is. He knew he had no right to demand anything that was not given to him after all. He imagined Merlin actually saying 'no' to him and it made him feel…
"I wouldn't want to do anything to Merlin if he didn't want it too." He mumbled to his tea mug. "And what if he was looking scared, or crying or trying to get away, what would you do? Would you still continue whatever you were doing?" Gaius pressed the subject and he saw all hesitation vanished from Arthur's face. He looked horrified "No!" He said feeling ill. He didn't want to even image that possibility but the memories of Merlin yelling and screaming the last night played in his mind vividly. He shuddered. Gaius smiled at him looking pleased "Then there is your answer. You don't want to dominate Merlin, you want to feel with him. Just keep that in mind and follow Merlin's reactions closely." Arthur nodded, feeling better hearing Gaius' words. He could agree to that. "But what if I want to touch him and I forget?" 'Like the time I almost pushed him down without thinking…' "You won't. I'm sure of it because you love him." Gaius said with sincerity but Arthur felt a bang in his heart. Did it mean that he had almost pushed Merlin down or that he had wanted to take things further so soon that he didn't love Merlin?
Gaius saw Arthur sudden discomfort and he understood that they were talking about different things. "What I mean, is that if you love Merlin, you wouldn't want to make love to him or kiss him if he showed clearly that he didn't find it pleasurable and I trust that you can notice his discomfort." Arthur seemed to cheer up at his words before he caught on the 'make love' part when he blushed. He obviously hadn't thought of it that far. Gaius found himself smiling at his reaction. Maybe the teenagers had their good sides. Maybe it was also the good side of growing old that he could still meet and interact with youth and in a whole new way. He had never thought it that way.
"If I can tell you one more advise… at least I found this to be an important part of my love life, if you don't find it too troubling to hear me say that… " Arthur looked like that was the last thing in the world he wanted to hear and Gaius laughed softly. "I found telling my partner how much I appreciate them important. Just small things like how you like them touch you or how beautiful they look. It makes the relationship more open and honest and because of that, more comfortable." Arthur took this to his heart. The advice had been surprisingly good and useful to nearly every situation. And he could just forget Gaius ever saying the words 'my' and 'love life' in the same sentence.
"Merlin keeps saying that he is dirty and that I shouldn't touch him and I think it's because of… that man." He wanted to explain Gaius and Gaius understood. "I see… then it's even more important that you tell him openly that he is not and that to you, he is important. In rape, it's not about love and that can twist one's vision of sex for a long time. Especially when it was, I assume, Merlin's first time." Arthur had never asked but he nodded anyway. He was quite sure Merlin hadn't have sexual relationships before… 'not thinking about that!' He buried that one somewhere under everything else, maybe he could ask Merlin one day, but he was quite sure that Merlin had said 'yes' when he had asked if there first kiss had been Merlin's first.
Gaius was silent for a moment, thinking. "It will not be easy for you, but if you truly want to help Merlin, you will have to show, with time, what physical contact really means to the both of you. Tell him with your honest thoughts what you feel and make him understand how it is not a bad thing to be close to someone if it's because of love. Keep the communication open and honest. Don't rush, listen to him and ask him how he feels." Arthur listened this like a gospel. He had always had someone whose word he had trusted blindly and taken every word by heart so it wasn't surprising that he was searching something similar now. It just felt that Gaius was a lot better option to listen and obey than his father ever had been.
"I will. And I'm not in a hurry, I just… want to be near." He really felt that way and saying it out loud made him finally see that he wasn't a danger to Merlin. He was different from his father and now he knew where his feelings lied. He was so glad that he had come to talk with Gaius. He had completely forgotten how he had come here in place of Merlin.
Gaius smiled. He could trust Merlin to Arthur. They would be alright, but they would need help and support. With that they could have the strength to carry on even with such heavy affairs dragging them down. Gaius would be one of the supporters and he knew he wasn't alone. Merlin's mother was obviously on their side and Gwaine from the store… Gaius was quite sure now that Gwaine also knew about Arthur and Merlin and he had a strong suspicion that he was working with his father because he wanted the best for Merlin. Gwaine asked for Hunith's number from Arthur. He would call and introduce himself to Merlin's mother who in no doubt would be highly alarmed if Merlin left to visit some old man she didn't know.
Arthur and Gaius had some more tea and their conversation focused on Merlin mainly, but the both of them felt that they had become close. Gaius suggested Arthur some books on the topic he could loan him which caused Arthur to roll his eyes "So that's why you and Merlin get along so well, you both clearly have thing for books and making me feel like an idiot." Gaius could laugh at that. "That, and scrabble, we should play sometimes together." Arthur rose his hands in defeat "Please no, the last time I played with Merlin, he won with twice the points and I really can't take you two against me." Gaius saw a great potential of humour in this and he was sure Merlin would appreciate it. "I'll make you know that I still can beat Merlin even if he has somewhat…innovative words he uses." They spend a while comparing the ridiculous words they had seen Merlin use in scrabble (and in real life) even though Arthur had played against him only once. after a while he almost felt that he wanted to play with Merlin again just to see which kind of words he would use. Almost.
Arthur was just laughing with Gaius about the term 'clotpole' Merlin had made to stick in his football team when his phone rang. It was Merlin telling that the food was ready. Arthur smiled at the sound of Merlin's voice and he told he would be there soon. Gaius told rose up and gathered their tea mugs and the pot in his hands. "I'll see you soon, I wish." He told Arthur who made his way to the door. "Yes, Thank you. I'll tell Merlin you are not mad at him." Arthur said from the doorway "Oh, I am mad alright, he should have told me ages ago, but lets leave something to when I meet Merlin myself." Arthur smiled and nodded. That was for the best. "See you!" He waved at Gaius when he opened the door and soon disappeared. Gaius was left with the dishes. Merlin would have offered to help him, but he didn't really mind. He could still carry some dishes upstairs himself. He felt happy that Arthur and Merlin had it figured out, but now that he was left alone he knew he would need some time to collect himself. One never really could get used to feeling the pain of those whom they cared for.
Arthur jogged home full of energy. He was ready to tell Merlin how attractive he was and how much he liked to be near him with no sexual thoughts included. Honest and open communication, right, he could do that. He would do that.
He could smell Hunith's cookings even before he opened the front door and it smelled fantastic. He was so hungry… When Arthur stepped into the house, he was greeted with a warm smile from Hunith. She looked tired but happier that Arthur had seen her in weeks. She told him that Merlin was upstairs and that the food would be ready in a minute. Arthur was happy to hear that and he told Hunith he would get Merlin.
Merlin was lying on their sofa, reading a book (no surprise there, but Arthur was happy to see Merlin actually doing something and not just sulk in a corner) when Arthur opened their door after knocking it softly. "How was Gaius?" Merlin asked immediately when Arthur opened the door. "He was like I told you, worried but wants to help you. He will want to talk with you though." Merlin seemed to relax on the spot. "He doesn't-" Merlin couldn't finish his sentence before Arthur said with a somewhat bored tone "No, he doesn't hate you or anything like that, he said you can visit any time you want and talk about anything you want. Please, Merlin, trust him a little bit more, will you." Merlin blushed but made a small smile at the same time. He was truly relieved.
After his mother had come home, Merlin had just finished mincing everything that went into a fish soup he was quite sure his mother had intended to make for dinner. Hunith had been very pleasantly surprised to see that and she had told Merlin as much, but after that she had asked very seriously for Merlin to tell her who this Gaius was Arthur had gone to meet.
Merlin should have known Arthur had texted Hunith where he had gone and for a moment there he just looked at his mother utterly confused ready to say something like 'Gaius.. you know Gaius, right?' But of course she didn't. It had taken almost an hour to tell his mother who Gaius was, when they had met and how much Merlin felt that he wasn't in any way dangerous or untrustworthy. He had given Gaius' number to his mother and promised that they could visit him together some day. After that he had retired to his room to worry if he could see Gaius ever again and what and how had Arthur said and how Gaius had reacted and… Yes he was relieved.
"Your mother said the food is ready soon." Arthur informed Merlin just before they heard Hunith yell that it was time to eat. Merlin stood up and Arthur waited him to walk past him, but he didn't.. "I have to go to the police station after dinner." Merlin told him when he was in front of Arthur.
Arthur blinked. He hadn't been waiting for this but he didn't see anything wrong with it, he just felt proud of Merlin for looking so calm, so he just embraced Merlin and told him "be brave, my love, I know you can do it." Merlin blushed at Arthur's words and leaned to his embrace softly. He had decided to be brave many hours ago but it still felt good to hear Arthur encourage him. Arthur kissed his forehead and smiled at him "You are beautiful…" He said the first thing that came to his mind. Merlin blinked at that. The word 'beautiful' felt a bit foreign to him, but it had a nice ring to it so it made him feel warm inside. It must have shown on his face because Arthur smiled widely at him and embraced him once more. 'It didn't sounded too stupid then' Arthur thought very pleased with himself.
"Merlin! Arthur! The food will get cold!" They heard Hunith yell again and Arthur loosened his hug and Merlin started to walk downstairs taking Merlin by his hand. Arthur was so happy that he had talked to Gaius.
They had some very nice, creamy salmon soup and bread and Arthur complimented the food which made Hunith seem pleased and Merlin smiled shyly when Hunith told that Merlin had actually made most of it. Arthur had never thought Merlin could cook and he said as much making Merlin roll his eyes and mutter something about way of ruining compliments. Hunith on the other hand told him how Merlin had used to help her a lot back in the village. She also told Arthur how she wasn't sure what he would think of her cookings because she couldn't make any gourmet. Arthur just brushed her off by telling that he hadn't liked that stuff anyway. He just wanted to eat his fill with delicious home cooking and Hunith's cookings were the definition of delicious. He could hear a cough from Merlin's direction that sounded a lot like 'sycophant!' Arthur was just so very happy to see Merlin to be his normal self and when he saw Merlin eat his fill his day got better and better with every bite.
When the doorbell rang in the middle of the meal he actually frowned like the doorbell was his mortal enemy dropping by. He realised soon enough it was Gwaine picking Merlin up, but his not-logical mind wanted to keep Merlin here, eating and in his sight. He wanted to take Merlin to sit on his lap and hug him and not let him go, but he just glared at Gwaine when he walked in after Hunith who had gone to open the door. Merlin was now gobbling his food down so he wouldn't make Gwaine wait.
"Sorry to disturb you during your meal." Gwaine told them and Arthur found it a little out of place for Gwaine to be so polite but he guessed that it had something to do with Hunith being present. Or maybe with the uniform he was wearing? Hunith smiled at Gwaine fondly and asked if he wanted to have something to eat also. Gwaine shook his head and told them he was fine and he would just wait for Merlin to finnish.
"I'm finished." Merlin told them soon and rose up to go with Gwaine. Hunith and Arthur could only wish them luck and wave but neither of them liked the idea of letting Merlin going alone to face the lawyers and even if Hunith had met the lawyer they had appointed to Merlin, she was still nervous and her heart went with her son.
Gwaine had loaned a car from the station (much to Percy's grief) and it was waiting in front of Merlin's home. "Great, now my new neighbourhood will think I'm some sort of criminal." He complained when he saw the was again in the place where he used sarcasm as a coping mechanism. Gwaine only smirked "That will only make the things more fun."
Merlin climbed to the car mumbling something about to wanting anything to do with Gwaine's 'interesting', but in a way, driving in a police car in the front seat was kind of cool. Gwaine was happily talking about this and that and Merlin had to wonder how he was able to stay that cheery while keeping his store open from 10 to 14 and again from 19 to 21. And in the middle of all it, go to the station and work as a police. Merlin wondered if he could work so hard as an adult.
When they arrived at the station, Merlin was nervous, but determined. He would survive this too and then he could go back home where Arthur and his mother waited him and he promised himself that he could have one selfish thing as soon as he got home after this. Even if it this evening would probably be one of the most embarrassing of his life, he would not let his new life being taken away from him. He now had a home and he now knew how people around him thought about the part of him he had believed that he needed to hide from them. He would not go back to that life he had had in Uther's house.
They met Leon talking with Finna next to a room in the floor number two. Merlin could see inside and there were two men he hadn't seen before, already seated on one side of the table. The opposite side there was one chair and on the table a camera pointing at the chair. The snake of fear bit him again and seemed to find a nest in his throat, but he would go in. He had decided.
"Hello, love. How are you today?" Finna asked him gently, but when Merlin didn't answer, she didn't ask again but continued "Leon will be joining you to your interview and I'm here to ask you if you want me to join you too."
Merlin looked at her eyes and he remembered that this woman also cared. He was done with denying those who cared so he nodded and said "Please." Finna offered him a pleasant smile and started to walk inside so surely that Merlin felt it easy to follow her. Leon in turn followed him and closed the door behind them. Merlin was now glad he had been worrying about Gaius the whole day.
A/N Hi! This chapter was supposed to be shorter than the two last ones, but here it is, a 15 000 new words... i even rewrite most of it because I wasn't happy with one part and I ended up writing some new stuff too.
My work is trying to kill me. We have two people on a sick leave right now and my boss want's me to work basically for the both of them. I have another job too and well, I barely have time for anything else but writing (which is very good way to relax after a long day at work btw) and eating and sleeping (in that order usually). You who have kept reviewing me, huge thank you! It's the best moment of my day when I open my computer and see some new reviews, you keep me going!
Skypeoplephoenix732 Hi! Great you found them cute :) Yeah, Elyan was like that, from that I got all my back story for his and Gwen's family ;) I have let a lot of parent that were dead in the series live because it's not very beliveable if everyone's parent are dead in modern day setting and all the characters like under 30... But That one I kept because it gave so much to the characters and a bit to the plot too. That was also eventually why Elyan was Arthur's school friend and not a police like all the other knights. Yeah, Arthur and Merlin have a lot to learn about eachothers and how to communicate and live together and stuff, but that is why I still have like thousands of words of this story so... lets keep moving on :)
Chibi . warlock Oh, I didn't mean it like that you should have remembered, it was never mentioned that Uther took the picture, I just wanted to tell you the detail that he did took that one in the scene in ch.3. And even I had to go back and check in which chapter that scene was... I'm so happy to hear that you liked the last chapter, and bittersweet... what a great way to describe it. I so much like when people tell me their fevourites, So many thanks again!
Kao Tell me about juggling with job and studing! I have two part time jobs who both want me to work full time and the school is starting at the end of august... I have to priorise very soon... anyway, You really got my intension here, Merlin is really suffering from post trauma but well, there was more about that in this chapter so I'm not going to babale you here what you already read... I have a tendency to start just talking and talking and I never know when to stop. Especially like this when I can't see the other and the blank stare that I often see when I have ranted on and on about something or other... Yep, poor Gwaine! And ontop of tha he is tired... Ah the family patrimony, heritage thingy.. I took that straight from finnish law, it's really so that if for example a man has 100 000 euros worth of appartment, car or what ever and the woman has nothing but she has 200 000 euros worth of summer cottage she owns alone she has gotten from her grandparent (or who ever), she will have to give something worth of 50 000 euros to the ex-husband. If she has nothing else, she can either sell the place, give a piece of paper to him that says he legaly owns 25% of the summer cottage, take a loan and buy that piece of paper, or just take a loan and pay for the man. But if they have that setlement thingy, what is his is his and what is hers is hers. Of course there are some stuff like couch no-one can proof that they bought it or if they paid it half and half, but those kind of things are not often so expencive that it would become an issue if the ex-couple isn't fighting anyway... In Finaland at least because it's a minor, the trial would be 'behind closed doors' so no-one can get in but those involved and close family members(I think, I haven't checked that one in this case, but usually it is so...) the judge and the lawyers all have oblication of confendiality, so there is no problem of them seeing the faces. It's almost impossible to get any info of those kind of trial btw. There will be police repport and newspapers and such can use those, but there would be no names or such. I hope at least because that's how I have done it :P Thank you so much for the info ou gave me! I have worked six years with children from 6 to 12 and I know somethings of how it would go with them, but I have no idea of children as old as Arthur and Merlin are. Where would Arthur live during the proses of deciding if he can live alone? With the oarent he wanted to live with? Or would he be forced to live with his biological parent? Hope you enjoyed this chapter too!
mersan123 A long one, yes! It took like ages to proof read it... but I didn't want to stop in the middle of the day either so that happened. Oh yes, Merlin has some serious post trauma and well, everything keeps changing and that has frightened him very much... You are totaly right, it's sad to witness that happen and the want to just take the problem and fix it is very strong. It's easy to snap at someone who seems to be avoiding help and not having the effort... Patience is not an easy sport. Thank you so much for telling me that I did a good job with the talking scene, the whole noghtmare-talking thing is one of my favourites :) I also like how Merlin is still able to have a kind of a father figure even after Uther, it shows to him that he is not afraid of older men in general and that he shouldn't be. And a ftaher figure can help him a lot. Lets see when he gets the courage to talk to Gaius properly ;) If there is a way for someone to get away with raping an adolescent when they have taken photos of it and there is a witness, I'm not aware of them and I sure hope that there is none. Besides getting Uther what he deserves is part of my definition of a happy ending ;) Thank you again so much for your very, very nice review!
Angel Dove1 Yes, oh Gwaine! He was so tired he didn't even have energy to rebel againts the rules... He also didn't think of the number, but he can't help with anything and well, it was better to hear straight from Arthur I think so... all in the end was well :) Yep, Aredian is one slimy piece of work and that is what Uther pays him for. I also feel that crying helps, it just somehow lessens the tension and for me it's also that I'm fully admitting to myself that I'm not alright and to just lose control for a while and then I can regroup myself, I guess. I also think they would have found eachothers anyway. 'A destiny' like in the series... Or that they just fit each others so well in a way that they better the other and always manage to do what's right for the other too. It was just a luck that they happened to be in the same school and the misfortune that they were supposed to be family... But also that they have actually lived together and still they were able fall in love :3 Aww... what kind words you told me! Well, I have to admit that I'm trying to make Arthur a perfect boyfriend for Merlin, so yay that you thought him perfect! Oh, communication... we will definitely work on that! (as you might have nticed in this chapter :P) I think if there were more men like Arthur out there, there would be much less rapes too in this world... I truly hope our generation will be the one to change many wrongs in this world even if it's not easy to believe in that at the moment with all that's happening in the world right now... but no politics here, I hope to escape that while writing. I hope you will find your 'Arthur', I'm sure he is there somewhere for you :)
Insanereviewer I sure have gotten some very long and awesome reviews, I love it! I'm so baffled that you all have the enrgy to write such great reviews for me :) So you figured it out... Tell me later if we thought about the same thing ;) You don't really have to review past chapters if you don't want to, but you can also comment on like if you liked some scenes or something that will not reveal anything, but to be fair, even if there would be some spoilers, it's not your fault if someone reads reviews before reading the story. Glad you liked the Elyan moment, you are right, the trauma is not the same, but they are young, not many have any kind of trauma and hearing how someone has survived one can be very helpfull. At least it gives a place to start from. And yes, Arthur so needs friends right now. Oh, are we now on empty threats? :D Hmm, how can I counter to that... Ha! The chapter is not named 'Morgana' so you have no way of knowing if she is in the next chapter or the one after that and so on if you don't read them! But you are doing such a good job with pouting so why stop now anyway? :P Arthur howering around was annoying Merlin yes, I'm not sure if I managed to write that one very well, but I intented that Arthur was always nearby, but he didn't know what to do, so it was mostly just sitting next to Merlin awkwardly or asking over and over again if he was alright or if he wanted anything or just lingering by. That would annoy even me. I wanted to kind of remind that kind of thing doesn't help very much. And that even if helping someone like that is kind of a full time thing, it's not that one has to be constantly nearby asking if they need help now every ten seconds. More like just be there when the other needs it. Otherwise it will wear both down in days. Again your analysis of Merlin was spot on, he really has been used to expect what would happen next and even if the change is for the better, it still frightens him and makes him edgy. Thank you so much for your compliment, I kind of wanted to write this fic because I wanted to write these emotions down, so I'm very happy to hear that you found it well written :) Gwaine 'volunteered' on going to visit Merlin to deliver the news (meaning when Iseldir said out loud that he was going to tell the news to Merlin and Hunith, Gwaine practically climped over his desk shouting 'I'll go! I'll go!') he had a hunch that Merlin wouldn't want to see Iseldir when he was still undecided and he didn't want Iseldir to press on him by telling that the hearing had been moved already twice because he hadn't come... I have to say that your obsession on Morgana is starting to amuse me greatly :D Keep on making theories, I'm so waiting for your reaction on her! I'm quite sure you have thought of the posibility of what she will be, really, for you are good at quessing plots, so I'm just glad it's not obvious (maybe), that means I can actually write plot ;D I can tell that Merlin is trying his hardest to forget that those pictures will be present in the court and seen by the judge and all... We will get back to that in...next chapter. As already said, Merlin is afraid of the change, so everything that is from his old life (like Gwaine teasing him or in this case Arthur) helped hm relax :) Lets' see about that camera fotage... Yeah go Arthur! And tea for the winners! (and it is annoying, the lack of italics I mean... My text also looses them when I copy paste these documents so I have to go through it all and add them manually...) That opening buttons + nightmare scene is one of my favourites, I think it was about after last Christmas when I woke up too early and I saw that there was this awesome clear night sky and I went to my balcony to drink tea and I made up that scene then :P Remember when Arthur and Merlin had that semi-fight at Gwen's ages ago? When Arthur accused Merlin that he couldn't keep a secret? I wrote that because I made up that line about being able to keep secrets after all... Arthur cocoon... :D I think the night(morning) was quite close of being just that. No worries about me writing Uthers pov, I have to adjust myself to emphatise with everyone I write in their pov and I have no desire to try to make up excuses in my head of why it would be acceptable to rape an underaged boy. I could do that, but just... no. Humanly possible you say... I would have to say that it would be tomorrow (yes, I write these replies as the reviews come) when I have a four hours train trip with wifi and nothing else to do but rewrite one part that has been bugging me, so see you when I see you! ;)