Chapter 36: Lessons Learned

May 2052- January 2053: Maddox

It was strange being alone for the first time in my life. Hopping off planes, checking into hotels, and choosing restaurants were all daunting in the first two months, as they had always been Javier's realm. So instead of the logistics, I focused on my art. I took pictures of every road urban and rural, every meal good or bad, every tree be they lining the streets or filling the few remaining jungles. At nights I focused on people: vendors, performers, locals who sat at stalls eating street-food, laughing and speaking in languages that did not register to me.

In the third month it all clicked into place. I missed them both terribly. I made big mental apology speeches to Javier daily and I dreamt of Solace every night. It was still a constant hurricane of emotion, however, the freedom and the joy of travel finally caught up to me. I was truly seeing the world, not through the eyes of a tour guide, Javier's special interest or even behind the lense of a camera; I was seeing and living it all independently.

I pushed the future out of my mind and I started to contemplate the past and make steps to reconcile it. First step: calling my mother. With the help of video chat we fought time differences and opened the lines of communication. It started as once a week, my mom and I sharing our days avoiding the heavy topics at the back of my mind, with my father and brother (back from Cornell for the summer) occasionally joining in. After a while the ritual increased to three times a week and eventually I added Harley to the mix, calling her separately to catch up.

Living a few hundred miles away gave us the space we needed to get close again. We were more alike than I ever realized, our interest in art and cinematography overlapping as well as our love for good exotic foods. Though I knew she was dying to ask about Javi and Solace she never did and in exchange we bonded over my travels and her first real love. Through Harley's eyes I quickly grew to love Jett as well, happy to see how much he adored and supported my sister. When her movie met with indie success and premiered to raving reviews at film fests across the world, we got even closer as friends.

While Chloe and Harley were catapulted further into the Hollywood scene, in my way, my own star rose. My travel and lifestyle blog doubled its following and for the first time ever I started to feature myself and not just trees. I shared pictures with my face and I heavy-handedly wrote about my experiences like a novice, but people responded. My photography spread to bigger markets and before I had time to decide my future romantic plans, I was called to Shanghai for fashion week for a collab with a famous fashion blog. It was a childhood dream realized without even trying.

I was meant to return to Washington, to either move into a new home in Spokane with Javi or return to La Push and start my life over again, instead I covered fashion week and used the money I earned to keep moving forward. Being so far away gave me the freedom to be a coward but before long responsibility came knocking at my door again while I soaked in the beautiful beaches of Hainan Island.

"Maddie I need an answer soon. I need to know if I should move out of this dodgy motel and sign a lease for a one bedroom or start looking for a house for us. I've been trying to respect your time but it's been 2 months since you should have been home. All your things are still packed in my parent's garage waiting for you to make up your mind. If you've already decided please just call me… so we can talk it out, no matter what your choice is."

I listened to his voice message over a dozen times. Each time his voice cracked in 'no matter what' my throat tightened and my tears would double, until I was curled in a ball in my minimal hotel room blind to the world around me.

I wanted Solace, I sent him quick updates here and there but as promised he gave me my time to think and so much of my time thinking was devoted him. Nothing or no one felt as right and real to me as Solace, but nothing scared me more either. Just a day back with him reignited my flames with such force it was frightening: the power of our connection was scary. For the last five years I did not allowed myself to love or feel this passionately about anything, for this exact reason. Solace's love had the power to light up every corner of my mind and fill me with indescribable love, it also had the power to expel me to the very depths of hell.

So the real decision was between a safe, comfortable, predictable romance, with a man who never truly understood or inspired my passion or my art. Or diving head first into the terrifying and wonderful adventure that fate had chosen for me. I could map out my whole life with Javi: we would buy a house in Spokane, he would work in the park and I would photograph that park, we would marry within the year and before long we would start the family Javier so desperately craved. Solace was the unknown.

I wanted Solace but if I chose him I would also have to be ready to give myself completely. I would have to give up my past anger, jealousy, resentment and insecurities and trust him implicitly; that last half proved difficult. For most of my life I wasn't a great daughter or even a decent friend because I was so dedicated to Solace. I had a long list of fuck ups but I never betrayed Solace, while it seemed so easy for him. I tried to understand his reasoning, I tried to make concessions for the fact that he had nearly 60 years of disappointment and baggage but the scars of my heart break still ached when I thought about it.

On January 19th, exactly 8 months since I arrived in Asia I purchased tickets from Sanya to SeaTac international airport for the next morning. I didn't answer Javi's voice message, I didn't update Solace on my travel and I didn't tell anyone in my family about my plans, I just boarded the plane with the bag on my back and prayed that things would be clearer when I arrived.

As soon as we landed my skin buzzed for the first time in months and I knew the cause. I knew the answer before I could vocalize it. It was late morning when I ran to the rental kiosk and using the skills I learned from Solace I made the 4 and a half hours drive from Seatac to La Push in 3. Solace wasn't home but I left the rental in his driveway and ran, following the pull behind my navel for the first time in years. By some miracle I saw no one I knew as I ran past the police department, the old corner store, the newly updated resort and my old high school before I found him. Through the large windows that lined the walls of one of La Push's only restaurants, I watched Solace sharing a plate of fries with a beautiful young lady, deep in conversation. He looked around several times, probably catching my scent but hidden in the corner peeking through the foggy window he couldn't see me. I felt like a jilted wife catching her husband on a date with his secretary, my heart pounded madly. It took me a few minutes to recognize the girl and when I did it was like a slap in the face.

It had been six years since I saw Chloe's little sister Hope and she was not the same adorable ten year old I left behind. Her high cheekbones and soft features had refined and like her older sisters she was stunning, but the feature that bothered me most, the kick in the gut that caused me to stumble back down the road and back into my rental, were her eyes. The eyes of a girl in love. The innocent eyes of a teenage girl desperately in love with Solace, the same eyes I cast on him as a 16 year old girl. Safe in the cocoon of my rented Toyota, I slammed my fist against the wheel and howled.

I couldn't trust him. I didn't see love in his eyes, instead I saw only the big brotherly affection, but still the fear and insecurity lit up every millimeter of my heart. Just seeing him with another girl was a kick to the gut. I had grown so used to the numbness of my padded existence with Javier that these emotions felt violent in comparison. I couldn't live with this insecurity constantly haunting me. I couldn't live sneaking through town watching through windows, doubting his love for me at every turn.

Flipping the ignition with another howl I drove to Port Angeles on hyper driver, dangerously swerving and speeding until I was pulling into the familiar cul de sac community that Javier's parents called home. I had nowhere else to go. If I stayed in La Push Solace would find me. I didn't know how I would be received after spending 9 months across the world while their son lived in temporary housing in Spokane waiting for me to make a decision, but Javi's father Juan pulled me into a strong, warm hug as soon as he opened the door.

"Ay mija, I'm so happy to see you," he cooed, pulling me inside. He called to his wife announcing my arrival and Yvette came down inspecting me cautiously.

"Hello, Maddie," she greeted with a thick accent and guarded eyes.

"Hello, Mrs. Morales. I'm sorry I came unannounced, I had a lot of strings to tie before I left and forgot," I lied without skill. She nodded.

"Are you here to pick up your stuff?" It was my turn to nod and she inspected me.

"So how were your travels? Are you hungry?" His father asked, guiding me to the kitchen. His house always smelled like delicious spices and lemon fresh floor cleaner.

"It was great, so much to see," I said generically and his mother bit her lip waiting for me to say more. They didn't know why I left alone, Javier had most likely protected my image and hid my indiscretion but Mrs. Morales was not dumb, she knew something was wrong and I had to chose now. I was either apologizing and packing everything I could fit into my rental car to start fresh or I was going to run to the comfort and stability of my Javi.

"We made some mole, you like mole no?" Yvette said motioning for me to sit and I smiled. Mole was the one dish Javier missed most, no one made it as well as his mother and though I tried repeatedly to replicate the recipe I never quite got it right; he ate every attempt happily just the same.

"I'd love some, thank you."

I powered up my phone, texted Javier my location and exhaled. The universe had made my decision for me.

.X*X.

September 2053: Solace

"I think my daughter's in love with you," Phil sighed, his lips pressed together in a tight line the way his mother used to do when she was angry with us as children.

"Which one?" I joked but my heart was pounding hard in my ears; this was the very last conversation I ever wanted to have. My goddaughter Hope, sixteen now spent the majority of her time shadowing me. It wasn't normal for a teenager to spend so much time with a man old enough to be her grandfather but I had been avoiding the eventual discussion on the appropriateness of our friendship because I valued it.

After our encounter in Los Angeles I returned to La Push hopeful. When Maddox told me she was going on her 6 month excursion alone it terrified me but I gave the space I knew she needed. When she extended her trip two more months, I grew nervous. I purchased and cancelled two tickets to China where Harley told me she was hiding out but in the end I chose to trust her. It had been the wrong choice. She returned nine months ago and after three months of silence and a desperate phone call made when my weakness won out, I knew I had lost.

"I'm not fucking around," Phil roared.

"I'm not either, I've seen the way Ava looks at me sometimes and Chloe, well I know she's looked… not sure if she loves me though, Chloe doesn't want a guy whose prettier than her." I winked at him and his eyes which were cold and hard, softened.

"She's sixteen, Solace," he moaned, dropping his head on the wooden table of his kitchen where I had been waiting for Hope.

Hope was dragging me to an art gallery in Neah Bay as part of her extra credit project for her art class. She didn't own a car and it was completely innocent on my end though part of me, a very deeply buried and very lonely part knew that she viewed it differently, and I still agreed to go. It wasn't that I wanted to be with her in that way, Hope was very pretty yes, but it wasn't like that.

I had learned long ago there was only one woman I truly wanted to be with and no one else would really do. I had also resigned myself to the fact that I had screwed our relationship up beyond repair and that Maddox was happier without me. I was happy she was happy, seven years of therapy allowed me to be content knowing she was living healthy and well, but that didn't stop me from getting lonely. Hope's optimism and kindness filled a hole that had been empty for so long, the space where I was needed and wanted by someone. I knew it would have to be stopped early, but it felt good all the same.

"You know I wouldn't try anything with her, Phil," I assured him patting his hand twice as I listened upstairs for Hope who was fluttering around her room.

"That's..." he looked up at me, eyes filled with anguish that I hadn't expected. "That's not what I was going to say. Solace, she's sixteen and she loves you… and I know you care about her—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop, just— don't finish that sentence," I warned, standing to leave.

"Maddox is getting married next month, Solace. I know you know that." How could I not? She'd sent invitations drenched in her scent to every mailbox in town but mine last week and Levi, who worked with Maddox's fiancé Javier in northern Washington, had immediately text messaged me. Very sweetly he attempted to write the marriage off as nothing serious but they had been together for seven years now, double the time that she and I had shared with her, and in the end she had chosen him. After months alone she still chose him.

"Phil, don't finish that thought because once it's out there you can't take it back," I advised. I paced the room in circles following the pattern of Hope who was in the room above.

"She's not coming back to you. We all hoped she would once she finished her journey of self-discovery or whatever, but she's not and you shouldn't be forced to live alone because your imprint is a— not a forgiving person," he amended when my eyes grew wide with indignation.

Maddox had become a phantom in my life again. Her presence and love was long gone but it's affects still lingered in every part of my being. I loved and cared for her more that life itself. I still longed to be with her, and every second of my waking day I still felt her influence. I still worshiped her with undying loyalty, perhaps more than I did before I realized how much I stood to lose. Maddox was still my imprint and I still lived for her. No woman deserved the pathetic shell that remained.

"Does Hope know what you're telling me?" I asked, listening to Hope's rapid heartbeat and light pacing.

"Yes and no, she knows I want to talk about your changing relationship. Solace, I'm not saying I'm giving you free range to try to… have sex with my daughter. I'm just saying she's sixteen and she's in love with you, which is the only reason she hasn't bothered me about dating other guys yet. You are the most honest and trustworthy man I know. I wouldn't… if things were to progress you would have my blessing," Phil finished quickly slumping down in his chair as if he had just run a marathon.

"Phil, I can't love her the way she deserves," I whispered as my stomach coiled in tight discomfort.

If I was honest with myself I would say that Hope had filled a vacant space within me for almost a year. In many ways I treated her like I would treat my imprint. I taught her to drive, took her shopping, picked her up from school, covered up for her when she came home drunk from a school party, chastised her for getting drunk in the first place. I attended every play, show, concert, game or school event she was ever involved in but having these facts out on the table, discussing our relationship as anything more than a godfather and his goddaughter, shattered the whole charade into a million little shards of glass.

"Maybe not, but you could cherish and protect her better than any human man could," Phil whispered, his forehead now glued to the table.

"Can you tell her I'm sorry about bailing on her tonight?" I asked and I ran out the room before he could stop me. I wouldn't relive my many mistakes. She would not be mine again but I would forsake all but her, even if that meant I would live alone forever.