Chapter Thirty-Six: Figuring It Out

The thought haunted her, though. She was finally at the point where she wasn't completely horrified at the thought of being his wife, his queen, and now there was the thought of being a mother on top of all of that. Of course, she supposed she'd known that all along, it just wasn't something she thought about. She hadn't wanted to. But he had brought it up – not that she could blame him. He'd been right. It was something they needed to discuss.

"I don't know if I should keep doing this with him," she told Glinda one afternoon.

"Why not?"

"Because this has gotten serious. And if… if we end up together… that's forever, Glinda. I don't do forever. And even if I did, being his queen means being mother to his children. That is beyond my capabilities, no matter how I love him."

"You had to have known that going in, Elphie. He's a prince."

Why did it even surprise her anymore when Glinda knew everything? "I guess I just wanted to ignore it. I don't know."

"Tell me, exactly what part of motherhood is beyond your capabilities?"

"All of it, Glinda. To start with, I'm an aberration. Who knows what that means for any child I might have?"

"You're normal in every other way, and I'm guessing you're normal when it comes to sex, since you and Fiyero seem to have a lot of it."

"Glinda!"

"I see those little marks when you change."

She buried her face in her hands. "Fine. Even if my child was normal, can you imagine the kind of mother I'd be?"

"You had a bad father and an absent mother. You turned out fine."

"I am not fine."

"You are, though. You're living a normal life: going to school, making friends, dating. And I'm sure you'd be a better parent than your father. And Fiyero would be a good father."

"He would be." She smiled at the thought, imagining him playing happily with a little boy, chasing him around the grounds of Kiamo Ko. She shook her head, trying to wipe the image from her mind.

"And your child would be smart, no doubt about that. Between you and Fiyero, that child might be the smartest child ever born. And he or she would get to go to Shiz, being a prince or princess. You could send them to boarding school if you're so afraid of spending a lot of time with them."

Elphaba was quiet for a moment, unable to find anything wrong with what Glinda had said.

"This is more about the fact that a child would tie you to him forever. There'd be no running away. Even marriage you could run away from, but not a child."

"I…"

"Don't, Elphie. I know you hate the idea of being tied down because it's so dreadfully normal. But is normal so bad? When you're with him, are you miserable? Or are you happy? Because maybe you need to stop thinking of it as being normal or being a wife or being a mother and think of it as being happy or not happy."

"I am happy with him."

"Then maybe that's all that matters."

"But I don't know how."

"No one does. We figure it out."

Glinda was right. Part of the reason Elphaba was rebelling against the idea was because she'd always been so determined not to have a typical life. Marriage and children were typical. But being a queen wasn't typical, was it? And loving him, that wasn't typical, either. She'd been told that many people fall in love, but she couldn't imagine they all felt like this. It was consuming and incredible and perfect. No, much like her mother had, most people settled. She'd never feel like staying with Fiyero was settling. There was nothing better, no one better, not for her.

"My father would like to throw us an engagement party the evening before my coronation," Fiyero told her. "He'll probably mention it when we return for the spring holidays. I didn't want you to be taken by surprise."

"How big is this party going to be?" She felt uneasy.

"Pretty big, Fae. You can invite Glinda. In fact, it would look good if you did."

"I might need her just to keep me sane. Fiyero, that's a lot of people to lie to at once."

"I know. But I'll be pronounced king the next day and we can drop the charade for once and for all."

"And what happens to us?" She asked.

"You can stay. It's my castle after that. We do what we've been doing until…"

"Until something changes," she finished quickly.

"Yes," he took her hand, "until something changes. I love you, Fae."

"I love you, too," she assured him. "We've gotten ourselves into quite the mess, you know."

"We'll make it work."

"I know I tell you I can't stand it when you get so optimistic, but I really do love that about you." She laughed. "At least one of us can look on the bright side."

"And sometimes I need you to bring me down to earth." He kissed her. "What would I do without you?"

"I don't know. And I don't know what I'd do without you. It's strange, sometimes. I thought I wanted to do so many things, and now all I want is you." She flushed and bit her lip. "I don't know what you've done to me. If I didn't know better, I'd think you'd put a spell on me."

"If only there was a spell for this."

Some of their friends had started to pair up, too. Boq had finally gotten over Glinda somewhat and had been slowly courting a young woman named Milla. Crope and Tibbett had always been together, though they were much more open about it now than they had been. Glinda, however, almost seemed like she was above such things, though Elphaba knew better. She'd once thought herself to be the same way. She hoped that her best friend would find someone and then laughed at herself for thinking such a sentimental thought.

"I suppose you're taking Elphaba to the spring formal, then, Fiyero?" Tibbett asked one evening when they were gathered at the café.

Fiyero looked at her with confusion. "Spring formal?"

She'd meant to tell him about that. They always made a bigger deal about advertising it to the girls than the boys, since the girls usually cared more. So he hadn't heard. She hadn't intended to go. It wasn't mandatory and she didn't dance if she could help it. "We hadn't gotten around to talking about that," she muttered.

"But I'll take you, of course," he said.

"I was thinking we could just spend the night in…" She looked up at him and batted her eyelashes. "I don't want to get dressed up. Besides, I like being alone with you."

There was a chorus of snickering and giggles around the table. Fiyero grabbed her waist and said, "Why don't we talk about this?" He dragged her outside.

"Fiyero, you know I hate this sort of thing."

"We're supposed to be engaged."

"And even if we were, I'd still hate this sort of thing."

"Traditionally, an engaged couple has to go to a dance like this." He insisted.

She glared at him. "I cannot believe you'd make me do this."

"I don't care if you're mad right now. This is the one thing I need you to do for appearance's sake. And don't try to seduce me out of it, either."

"So you figured that out, huh?"

"I don't think you've ever looked at me like that in public. You're a bit obvious, Fae."

She groaned. "We really have to go to this stupid thing?"

"That and the party are your last two 'assignments' as my fake fiancée," he told her.

She was tempted to ask him what happened if it wasn't fake anymore, but then she caught herself. Elphaba couldn't guarantee she'd say what he wanted to hear, and she needed to find herself there first. "Fine. We can go."

"Does that mean you get all dressed up? I've never seen you that way."

She smacked at him playfully. "Don't you get like that. You'd rather I was naked."

He grinned. "Who says I can't have both in one night?"