As always, thank you all so much for all the reviews & alerts on this fic as well as my others!
Blouhemel- wow you blew me away!
My First & only ever Afrikaans review!
Baie dankie vir daai, sommer my dag gemaak! En dankie dat jy hier na kyk! S5 begin skiet eers volgende jaar maar as jy nie al reeds Rookie Blue South Africa op Facebook of Twitter volg nie, soek hulle op. Hulle updates & nuus is net wat ons nodig het! Hulle is awesome!
***A/N; Today South Africa & the world mourns the Death of Nelson Mandela- me I say we walked with a legend! Proud to be South African!
Extra special A/N: Happy Birthday to my awesome Mom! Love you lots xxx.
Chapter 35- Attempting the Basics.
Sam found Andy rummaging in her locker, her face hidden from view.
It reminded him of this one time when they were in here, and he started planning out the rest of their lives. He didn't even really like dogs, well, he'd never had one so he wasn't really completely sure about that part of the conversation he'd had with her that night.
As Sam ventured closer, Andy didn't stop digging around in her locker, not even when Sam pulled the door open a little wider so that he could get a better view of her.
Andy sighed in response and her head dropped. She was completely struggling to keep it together right now. She was fidgeting and that told him that she was trying to occupy her mind.
"Are you ever going to stand still long enough to let me talk?" Sam asked as his hand slid from her locker door and found its way to his pocket.
"So I can hear more I'm sorry?" Andy scolded herself as soon as the words were out, this was what she wanted, she wanted him to remember and she wanted him to want her and now that it was happening, she backed off?
"Don't" Sam said it not meaning for it to come out as much of a warning as it had, but it worked. Andy's hung head whipped up to look at him her eyes showing signs of her inner battle with herself.
"I'm not giving up Andy, I want this and I want it to work even if it means that I have to wait until you trust me, or until you believe me, but I need you to know something".
Sam had been hoping to have this conversation at a later stage, but right now it looked like later just might never come.
Andy turned and faced him, her side finding the solid steel of the locker next to hers as she leaned into it and waited for Sam to carry on.
"Months of not remembering you was..." That didn't sound right.
"I knew there was something, I just didn't know what". Sam took a deep breath and let his mind wonder.
"I've tried to find the moment that I first fell for you, and you know what? It's just not there. It's like I can't find the exact moment, or the exact moment I knew, because it was always there".
Andy blushed slightly and looked away, her lips were in a firm line as she bit back whatever it was that she wanted to say.
The locker room door burst open and Collins peered in before looking between Sam and Andy apologetically and mumbling "We got a call..."
Andy sighed and looked Sam's way.
Great she hadn't even left the barn yet and the day was turning into chaos.
"I'm sorry, I need to go" Andy whispered and Sam stepped back.
But for some strange reason, watching her walk away didn't feel all that bad this time.
...
During shift Sam took some time to think. The day was quiet, so he let his mind drift freely.
He reflected over his current situation with Andy, the simplicity of the situation was only tarnished by the fact that... Wait that was it.
The simplicity.
How had he even missed that?
Flicking his pen down onto his desk he thought about his next step, a simple one, one to take them back to basics...
Every time he got close enough, the timing was wrong, or they got disturbed, or something just got in the way.
When Sam was ready to give up, the universe finally stopped betting against him, and gave him an opportunity to cross the gap between them when she was stranded at work after shift because Nash was still on scene.
He had seriously never been so grateful as he was in that moment that she didn't own a car.
So he did the first thing that came to mind.
He offered her a ride home.
It was a good place to start - the cab of his truck, it was the place that they had, had some of their best talks, where she had told him how she felt, the only time she had ever said it.
And she couldn't bolt if it got tough to hear what she needed too.
It was perfect.
She was hesitant at first, but eventually agreed, it was Sam and a ride home - what was the worst that could happen right?
Until he murmured "You trust me right?" And waited for her to nod, before starting the ignition, putting the truck in drive and pulling out of the parking lot - in the opposite direction of where either of them lived.
She didn't say much, didn't seem fretful, she just let her gaze hang out of the window as he drove.
City lights shimmered past, closed stores dimly lit as they passed them.
All the while his mind racing to find words to say while she allowed him to sweep her away in silence.
It must have been getting to her after a while because she leered at him, her lip caught between her teeth, before she looked at the radio and looked back out the window.
It wasn't an awkward silence, it was just uncomfortable.
Sam needed time to think.
He had no idea where he was driving them, but driving was good. It kept her here a little longer.
His hand reached out for the radio, his finger gently pushing the on button.
Andy restrained her focus on the world as it whirled past, until Sam suddenly pulled over.
His hand reached out and killed the radio, plunging them into silence.
"I made a mistake". Was all he said as he turned to face her, his arms hanging over the steering wheel.
Andy gaped at him, not really sure what he was saying.
Her face divulged her confusion, so he pushed off the steering wheel, and shut the engine off, stranding them next to the road wherever they were.
He was looking for neutral ground to do this on, and the side of the road in the middle of town was definitely somewhere that could be described as neutral.
Andy was still staring at him as he leaned back in his seat, his head resting against the head rest just for a second so that he could catch his breath.
"I screwed up, and I made a mistake... With you". Sam said trying to explain before realizing that it had come out as the worst thing he had ever said.
Andy was mortified, her face creasing as her eyes washed in tears.
She just made him lose all control, he couldn't even get what he wanted to say out.
Andy was giving him a hardened stare now, her eyes trying to cover up the new wave of hurt he had put in them.
"Letting you go was my biggest mistake" Sam said forcefully, trying to fix the harsh words he had let fly out of his mouth.
"You broke my heart". It came out strained, like the words sounded strange to her own ears.
"I didn't mean to, and I'm sorry".
"You're sorry? Sam it's not going to change the fact that you pushed me away".
After declaring his undying feelings, he found it so easy to move on.
"I shouldn't have, and I can't change what I did, but I want..."
"You want? You don't get to want anything Sam". Mad Andy was making her appearance. She was finally letting him see a small glimpse of that side of her.
Her face was flushed, but he knew it was because she was slamming up those damned walls.
"Andy..."
"Don't okay. Just take me home. Please?".
"No!".
Andy had turned away, his simple 'No' making her turn back.
Her eyes were flashing with the McNally fire he had so desperately missed.
"Andy, I'm trying..." What was he trying to do? Trying to say? It was right there on the edge of his tongue, but it just wouldn't pass over his lips.
"Trying? Trying to do what?".
Okay so maybe a different approach was the way to go.
"It doesn't matter". Andy grumbled, looking away again.
Her head was moving back and forth between looking at Sam, and staring out the window, so fast that he was getting dizzy.
She couldn't bare to look at him for more than five seconds, hadn't been able to since she had figured out that he wasn't single anymore, wasn't waiting for her.
That was something that he just couldn't get used to. He wanted her to look at him.
"It does...".
Andy cut him off again, her voice just under the octaves of yelling.
"It doesn't Sam. I get it, you moved on. We were over before I left, so don't guilt yourself into saying anything about it. It doesn't matter that she's a cop, or at Fifteen, or that...".
Andy choked up a little before finishing what she had wanted to say.
"... Or that we're both there too".
Sam felt a tinge of guilt at Andy's reference to the whole 'Can't be a cop and be with you' thing he had said, when he knew he was guilty of going back on what he said. But he got it, it was the main reason she was holding back from letting him get close again. He'd moved on, and that was what she hadn't forgiven him for yet. And now, after everything that happened between that moment and this one, they were finally talking about the past because it was all back.
He had moved on with someone at Fifteen, and that was the one thing that she couldn't let go of.
Andy was suddenly paying attention to her surroundings, giving Sam the impression that she was looking for a way out.
"I was doing what I had to, to get you out of my mind so that I could move on". Sam whispered, Andy's temper flaring as she let his words make sense.
"So you were doing Marlo. Great Sam". Andy's hand snapped to her seat belt, her fingers fumbling blindly in the dark as she tried to loosen the restraints that kept her tied down and trapped.
Sam's hand instinctively reached out and grabbed Andy's; her hands re-coiling from his touch.
"That never happened because..."
"Stop okay. I don't need to hear it".
Andy's voice was trembling. Just slightly, but Sam knew her well enough to hear its slight waver.
"Andy, you left me when I tried to talk to you. When I wanted five minutes of your time to tell you why I did everything, and why I made it sound like I tried to cover up what I said. And to say I'm sorry. The night you left for Dakota you just walked away even after I asked you for five minutes".
Andy huffed out a sigh, her eyes rolling at Sam's ability to make her feel more than she wanted too.
"You're not the reason I left. And the ways things turned out? It would still have ended that way, even if I'd stayed".
Her words cut through Sam. She really believed what she said, judging by the conviction she had in her voice.
She seriously believed that they would still be over, that no matter what had happened, they still would have broken up somewhere down the line.
"You really believe that? Really feel that no matter what happened, we would have broken up?". Sam's voice was so low that it gave Andy goosebumps.
She tried to nod in response, but her head wouldn't move.
"I don't. And I don't believe you do".
"Sam, just let it go". Andy's voice had shifted to hollow, her words as empty as her eyes were.
"I won't let it go".
"Why not? Let me be happy Sam".
"Because you're not. And I'm miserable without you".
Andy's mouth formed a small O, then pulled into a thin line.
She had more to say, but seemed to want to keep herself guarded.
"Sam, you're scared to be alone".
Sam's jaw tensed at that.
"I can't leave you alone Andy, because I want you back. I've only ever wanted you". Sam watched her carefully, she still kept her gaze down.
"Andy you're scared; scared to let me love you, scared to let me in, and scared to love me back".
That triggered Andy to look back at Sam, so many things running across her face as she stared at him.
"Tell me I'm wrong and I'll take you home. I'll leave you alone, but tell me I'm wrong". Sam's voice was pleading, partly because if this backfired, it was over.
He waited for Andy's reply, assertive silence lingering on her lips.
"Why are you doing this?". It was her turn to sound desperate as she pleaded to understand.
There were a million answers he could have given, a thousand reasons, a hundred explanations. But only one would be honest.
"Because I love you, and I want you back".
Sam's words stole her breath, made her heart stumble in her chest.
Had she really just heard him say that? Again?
"It's all I've ever wanted. Just a chance".
But she was in denial. Her head shaking from left to right as she tried to shake the thoughts from her mind.
"I do. I never stopped, not even when I tried too. You were gone, but you never left, you were everywhere I looked, in everything I thought about. And everyday for ten months I hated myself...".
That made Andy's heart break.
"Sam...". She had no idea what to say.
"I want this".
Andy felt her lips tug up in a nervous smile.
She did too.
"But I can't go back".
Saying that she watched as she saw Sam's heart being ripped out by her words. He was laying everything out in the open, but she wasn't ready to go there, not just yet.
"Sam, I'm sorry. I can't do this all over again. It... I just can't".
Sam nodded vaguely in her direction, his hand moving to start the trucks engine again before he shifted it in to gear and drove them back towards their homes.
The drive was made in silence, Andy looking out of her window as Sam kept sneaking glances in her direction.
If he thought that life without Andy had been hard he'd been wrong; life with Andy in it, but not his, was even more empty with her sitting right next to him.
He slowed down close to her condo and changed lanes before finding a parking and pulling up into it.
When he was parked, he looked up to find Andy looking at him with a sad face, and somber eyes.
"Um, thanks, for the ride" she stammered out seconds before the door closed behind her.
Sam watched her walk away, his heart lost in her footsteps as they retreated into the building.
*****thanks for reading!
So that was part 1, because this chapter was over 5000 words. Part 2 will be up soon.
Anyway see you soon!
Jelly Bean Jenna©