He'd felt his heart sink so many times during his life that he knew it was impossible to name them all. The first time he'd felt that sinking feeling in his gut, was when he'd pushed Lina into a ravine at age five. When his parents had dissolved their marriage bond and his mother left to go back to her original clan, he had cried for hours in his tent with only Lina as the witness to his heart's grief. At sixteen, the age of curiosity and wonder, he had asked his best friend to kiss him to know what it felt like, and had felt the snapping fear that he had just broken their friendship as her unreadable face had simply watched him in the candlelight.
Tamlen had felt a very different dread soon after, when she had placed her book aside and kissed him gently, chastely, on the corner of his lips. It had felt like a kick to the stomach when her lips quirked in a smile and a blush hit her cheeks, and Tamlen realised with a pang that he was in love with the beautiful elf that he shared a tent with.
And the two times in the past year alone, when he had carried his limp and dying clan mate out of a creators-forsaken Tevinter ruin with only that dread in his heart to keep him going and give him hope.
When a finally-calmed Tamlen and a wary Alistair fought their way through the palace district to reach the fort, they had only reached the corpses left behind when the ground shook beneath them and Fort Drakon lit up the smoky sky like a fireworks show. As Alistair staggered backwards in awe and confusion, Tamlen staggered forwards with the weight of a crippling fear that was not his own. As his armour clad knees hit the ground the bond in his mind snapped, and he felt the pain like a white hot brand in the back of his mind.
The light disappeared at the same moment as the presence in the far reaches of his mind blinked out. Tamlen knelt there, in the dirt and the rain amongst the cheers of victory, and watched the entrance to Fort Drakon for the emergence of whatever was left of Lina's party.
Twenty minutes later, Tamlen watched as Wynne, Shale and Oghren left the fort, carrying the limp body of his bondmate between them.
Death had felt exactly as she thought it would. There was been sounds, a high pitched whistle and roaring and screaming and then names. Endless names, which echoed around her mind as her life teetered on the edge of oblivion, followed by her own memories of faces and names that flashed by too quickly to grab.
Then the pain came. The aching shell of her body fought the essence of the Archdemon with all that it was, but the darkness overtook her before she could be entirely sure that she had lost. She was engulfed in it, suspended in the nothingness and surrounded by a beautiful silence that she knew she could never be aware of enough to acknowledge.
Lina acknowledged it once the darkness had receded, and the confusion was enough to bring her slowly into awareness. Knowing that she should have been unaware of the blissful silence, Lina attempted to move. Her body did not respond.
Death was no longer feeling quite like it should. Lina was steadily becoming aware of a softness around her, something that felt a lot like blankets and a soft pillow. She was beginning to register the sounds of voices, hectic but quiet and murmured, and his panicked tones begging her to wake up. Lina wasn't sure how long she was aware for, but she counted several periods of silence before there was urgent talk of crowns and princes and ceremonies.
She clenched her fists in frustration at her inability to move, then froze. It was the confirmation she needed that she wasn't dead, and her proof that she was now able to make small movements. There was a soft cotton sheet under her palms, and she could feel the cool metal of her wedding ring against her finger. In a rush of pain and heavy-headedness all her senses came burst to life. Pain rifled through her from wounds that hadn't been healed, and she could clearly distinguish the scents of numerous medical herbs and the faint tang of healing magic. And there, in the background of it all as though she were soaked in it, was the scent of firewood and the earth. Eyes flying open, she blinked to see nothing but a coloured blur of white, cream, yellow and brown.
Soft footfalls paced the floor outside the door, but Lina could hear no movement from inside the room. Blinking again, she willed her eyes to focus and was immediately started at how clean the room was. She half wondered if she really was dead.
The handle on the door twisted and cracked open a small amount, as though someone were looking through the crack. Lina could only see darkness on the other side through the small gap, although her eyes had not yet properly adjusted to the lighting of the room. She instead stared up at the ceiling, dark grey in contrast to the white walls and a dull enough colour that she felt no pain in looking at it. Lost in her own thoughts about where she could possibly be, she did not notice someone enter the room and place themselves in the chair next to her bed. Only when they gently cleared their throat did she realise she was no longer alone.
Lina turned her head, breath hitching in her throat when her eyes fell upon a familiar face, pale and etched with worry lines. Tamlen looked much older than he had the final time she had seen him, and the dark circles under his bloodshot grey eyes made him look terribly ill. The healing scab that cut across his entire left cheek made the contrast with his pale face even worse. It was, undeniably, her husband and the thought scared her. She stared at him in confusion, though he took only a shaky breath before he spoke.
"Do you know who I am?" His voice was hesitant and on the verge of cracking, and Lina could see the tension in his shoulders and the hard line of his mouth. His eyes, however, pleaded with her, though for what she could not tell. Lina opened her mouth to speak.
"Of course-" Her voice came out dry and gravelly, and Lina could manage no more words before she broke off into a coughing fit from the pain in her dry throat. Pain wracked through her at the violent movements, but her eyes could not tear themselves away from the utter relief on Tamlen's face. The tension in him drained away completely, and he reached for a pitcher of water and a glass on the table beside her bed. As he handed her a glass of water he switched the chair for the bed itself, and seated himself carefully next to her and helped her take small sips.
"We weren't sure if the experience with the Archdemon would have wiped your memories- careful." Lina forced herself to refrain from drinking whole mouthfuls, but it was difficult when her throat felt as dry as the deserts. Only when Tamlen pulled the glass away from her gently did she attempt to speak once more.
"Why am I still alive?" Her voice was still hoarse, but Tamlen could understand what she was attempting to say.
"You're not allowed to leave me just yet." He didn't want to give her the truth, not so soon after she had awoken. Though his answer raised another question in her mind as she reached out to the familiar presence of his mind and found it missing.
"The bond?" She asked quietly; she was beginning to feel a dull ache when she attempted to focus on the furthest corners of her mind. Tamlen shook his head.
"Severed. We don't exactly know what happened with the Archdemon, but it was powerful enough to snap it. We'll have to be re-bonded, if you wish." Lina inwardly winced; she'd heard from Ashalle that a broken marriage bond was initially painful. It was the reason her mother had left and the reason Tamlen's father was never the same once his wife had dissolved their marriage. She felt a wave of shame when she acknowledged privately that she had been all too willing to have him suffer the pain if it meant he would survive. The pain would not have lasted long, but the thought was…uncomfortable.
"Tamlen, why am I alive?" She repeated her earlier question with more force, and she could tell by the way his face fell that he knew. Something was holding him back, and she felt dread hit her stomach. The Archdemon couldn't possibly still be alive, could it?
"Promise me you'll stay calm."
"Tamlen?" Lina sounded increasingly agitated; Tamlen had to push her back down on the bed when she struggled to try and sit up. He took her cold hand in his own and sighed.
"The night before the battle, I know Morrigan came to you. She went straight to Alistair after you refused to do the ritual and, well, she had a lot more luck persuading Alistair to agree than she did you. I'm told she didn't have to argue her case for long. She disappeared for good when the Archdemon fell." Tamlen's voice was quiet; he knew that there was the risk of being overheard, and if it got back to the Warden's then they would all be in trouble. At the very least, Lina could play dumb when they came to question her.
"How do you know about this? I'm sure Alistair was hardly willing to cough up the information." Lina was becoming increasingly sceptical and panicky, prompting a frown from Tamlen. He took both her hands in his own and exhaled.
"He had to reassure me when we reached the fort. I thought you were dead; he had no choice but to tell me everything." Tamlen's voice cracked towards the end of his words, and Lina gave his hands a tight squeeze in comfort. She was worried about what the Warden's would do if they arrived in Denerim to question what had happened: would they believe she had lost recollection of the final battle? When were they likely to arrive? A thought occurred to her.
"How long have I been unconscious?" Her eyes scanned the room for any indication of the date; there was none.
"Two weeks. Wynne kept you unconscious whilst she healed you, but she reversed the magic a week ago to allow you to wake up on your own. You've woken up just in time; the coronation ceremony is the day after tomorrow, and Alistair and Anora want you present so that the country can see their hero." Lina groaned at his words and tried to sink further into the bed.
"You must be joking. Since when were you close enough to Alistair to make jokes like this?"
"Not joking. You've got the title 'Hero of Ferelden' for life now. It's going to be very hard to disappear for a while." They both frowned at his words, and Lina cocked her head to the side with a wince.
"Disappear?"
"If we return to the clan. The entirety of Ferelden already know what you look like, what you've done. We won't be able to go back to the clan straight away." Lina could tell by the look of disappointment on his face that he had wanted to return as quickly as possible, and she shared the frustration. She just wanted to go home, she had done for the final few months of their campaign.
"We'll find a way." She gave his hand a tight squeeze and pulled him towards her. Tamlen understood the gesture and gently shifted her across the bed, before he lay down himself and propped himself up on one elbow. He kept watch over her as she drifted off into her first dreamless sleep in over a year.
"Ladies and gentlemen…" Lina fought to keep herself awake as Alistair gave his speech on her survival to those gathered in the courtroom. Alistair's speech was in no way boring, but the elven woman had only tried walking the day before, and still found herself exhausted if she stood up for too long. Wynne assured her it was simply because of her injuries, and Lina felt it within herself that she would recuperate quickly enough. Standing in the hot, stuffy throne room, however, with aching limbs and only her husband's arm around her to keep her upright, was pushing her limits.
Tamlen's arm around her waist tightened, and Lina zoned back in just in time to realise Alistair was asking what boon she wanted. She and Tamlen had discussed the possibility of a boon the night before and, after arguing her point for hours, they had come up with an idea.
"I ask only that my people, the Dalish, be given land, Your Majesty." Lina gave a respectful nod of her head, feeling like an idiot whilst doing so, and felt her aching neck protest at the action. It was all she could do to not lean against Tamlen in order to take the weight off her shaky legs, but they were standing –in the eyes of those gathered- scandalously close enough without her turning him into her full-time crutch. She was feeling a growing sense of shame at being unable to hold herself up properly.
"Very well. Let it be known that from now on the ruins of Ostagar and all of the lands within its holding are now the property of the Dalish elves. There they can stay, and they are not to be disturbed by the arlings surrounding them. I would also like it to be known that the Grey Warden's now own the Arling of Amaranthine, the former home of Arl Howe. There they can rebuild and follow the example of those who came before them." Alistair addressed the room with a confidence Lina hadn't seen in him before. Sensing that their king had finished speaking, those gathered started to disperse into their own little groups. Alistair gave Lina a grin and quietened his voice.
"So, what do you two have planned? Will you be staying in Denerim?" At the question Tamlen scoffed quietly, but Lina only smiled sadly.
"No. We're returning to the Clan, where we belong. It will be nice to have life return to normal, though I wonder how long that will last."
"I'm wondering the same thing. I'm expecting the wardens to be hiding in my wardrobe, ready to pounce on me as I change." Alistair's voice held the joking tone that Lina had come to associate with him, but the sad smile on his face betrayed his feelings. If they went back to the clan, it was highly unlikely that she and Tamlen would ever see their companions again. "Before you go, there's a crowd of citizens outside waiting to see you. I wouldn't keep them waiting." With a wink, he was whisked off by Arl Eamon, and Lina was left standing with Tamlen.
"Hopefully we won't have to stay here too long." Lina muttered under her breath, loud enough for only Tamlen to hear. He gave a laugh and let go of her waist, letting the elf stand on her own. Lina was surprised to realise that she could at least stand properly, and wondered if Wynne had cast a discrete spell.
"Yes, well, either way I'm still scouting out the quickest exit in case you ever feel the need to up and flee." There was a small smile to his lips as he spoke but, before Lina could ask, he spoke up again. "I'm surprised you haven't noticed your visitor yet Lina, I thought you were supposed to be the observant one."
Lina narrowed her eyes in confusion, but when she looked up at Tamlen and saw that his attention was not on her, she followed his gaze across the room. Her eyes quickly locked onto the elf huddled away in a small corner just off the podium, below the balcony. The elf was looking around nervously, clearly unused to being in such close proximity to humans. But, despite the usually proud stature of the elf having being replaced with the slightly fearful one, Lina recognised all too well the white streaked hair and the caring face of her adoptive mother.
"Ashalle…"
"She's been waiting all day to see you. Go talk to her." Tamlen nudged her carefully, hoping to give her the courage to believe that she could walk over on her own. Lina looked at him searchingly, and at finding nothing but his own confidence she pulled away from him completely and started to make her way over.
Lina almost stumbled down the steps, but caught her balance in time to avoid a meeting with the floor. Realising that apart from her achy limbs she could limp relatively well, she moved faster, desperate to see Ashalle. The woman looked up at the sound of Lina's heeled boots on the floor. A smile lit up her face, and she held her arms out in greeting as her eyes took in Lina's gaunter frame.
"Oh, Da'len, you've lost so much weight." Ashalle clucked her tongue as she enveloped Lina in her arms, but Lina ignored the question in favour of burying her head in Ashalle's shoulder.
"How have you been, Ashalle?" Her voice was muffled slightly by the older elf's shoulder, but Ashalle understood the question and tightened her embrace.
"I have been fine, my dear. It is I who should be asking you that question. Look how thin you are! Have you not been eating since the victory?" Ashalle's voice was laced with a motherly concern that Lina had been aching to hear since she had left the clan, and she only tightened her hold before letting go.
"I've missed you so much." Lina held Ashalle's hands in her own, the woman's grip was strong and Lina felt she could stand properly if she held on.
"I have missed you too, my dear. The clan mourned for you and Tamlen when we heard the news from Ostagar. But the keeper, she was so overjoyed when she heard of your victory! She cannot wait to tell the other clans! It is a happy day for us indeed, Da'len. That one of our own defeated the Archdemon is incredible news, and you have obtained land for us! I could build a house." The woman looked alarmed and enthusiastic and happy all at the same time, and Lina could practically feel the happiness exuding from her.
"I am sorry that you heard the report, Ashalle. Is the clan camped outside the city? Why is Tamlen's father missing the coronation?" Lina was curious and suspicious and, when Ashalle averted her gaze for a moment, she knew something was wrong.
"What has happened?"
"I meant to tell the lad myself yesterday afternoon, but he was so joyful that you were awake and walking that I could not bring myself to do it. Perhaps you would be best to let him know. Tamlen's father, he fell ill a few weeks ago with a disease of the lungs, and we are doubtful that he will hang on much longer." Ashalle grew visibly upset as she spoke; Lina knew that she had been close to Tamlen's father in his later years, when the possibility of a romance between their children had seemed likely.
"I see. I'll tell him later, when there is no one to overhear." Lina averted her eyes quickly to glance over at Tamlen: he was stood with Fenarel and Zevran, laughing at something they had said. He looked up to meet Lina's brief gaze and grinned, and Lina smiled sadly back knowing the news she would now have to deliver.
"It is sad news, my dear, but not something that should be dwelled on. We have learned to embrace tragedy." Ashalle gave a grim smile before brightening up. "And alas, you have not told me your news either! Did you think I would not find out?"
Lina looked at the older woman in confusion, before Ashalle pulled her left hand closer to her and twirled the gold band on her finger.
"This, my dear. You didn't write to let me know that you had bonded to Tamlen! I had to find out from him yesterday when I overheard him asking Zathrian if the bond could be repaired!" At Ashalle's words Lina blushed pink from shame, not at her bond but at the very fact that she had failed to tell the woman who raised her.
"I apologise, Ashalle. It happened so quickly, and we were desperate to bond as quickly as possible that telling anyone completely slipped my mind."
"I understand, my dear. Marethari and I were so pleased to hear the news! Marethari feels she can repair your bond to Tamlen with a simple spell, so you had needn't worry about that. And may I say, dear, finally. You have no idea how long I have waited to hear this news! It was always my hope that you and the boy would someday wed! Will you be coming back to the clan with me once this event is over?"
At her question Lina looked around the hall, knowing before she looked at everyone that nothing was holding her here. Her companions would scatter to the four winds; only Tamlen would follow her no matter where her choice would lead. And, fortunately for her husband, she was just as eager to return to their clan as he. With a wide smile Lina hugged Ashalle once more, holding her tightly.
"Without a doubt, Ashalle."
A/N: Jesus effin Christ, I had this chapter started when I went to uni and only now have I finished this chapter, five weeks into Michaelmas term. It's still 36 chapters though! I've erased the epilogue that followed this; I'm unlikely to return to Awakening, however I may try and re-write A Twist of Fate and then republish it, and pray that it doesn't turn out as long as this was! Or I might just do A Twist of Fate in six or seven chapters that cover the main plot points, I'm not sure yet. Either way, Awakening doesn't look like it's on the map for now. Again, I'd like to thank everyone who read this story the first time round, and I apologise to those who found it at the various stages of the rewrite! I'll post a chapter up now detailing the differences from the original, and just to let old readers know it's been rewritten. So long!