A Private Little Feud
by Rob Morris
(We see Kirk, Spock and McCoy beaming down)
Kirk: I stayed on this world as a young ensign. I became a part of the tribe that runs it.
McCoy: Imagine. That poor mountaineer finding vast dilithium stores on his property while shooting at a rabbit! What are the odds?
Spock: By the way, Captain. Areel Shaw and Sam Cogley called you. It seems that they have moved to a small rural area.
Kirk: Let's not go there, Spock.
Spock: But I have heard that it is the place to be.
McCoy: There's the---Jim, that's a mansion! I thought you said they lived rustically.
Kirk: Wait'll we get inside...you'll see.
(A furtive figure then jumps Jim--they wrestle until he emerges the victor)
Elly May: Why, if it ain't Cousin Jim! You allus wuz the only one who could whup me.
(Elly May looks at Spock)
Elly May: Now how does a feller like you go about to whuppin someone?
Spock: Were I to attempt such an endeavor, Miss Clampett, I would bypass fisticuffs and make use of what some call The Vulcan Nerve Pinch.
(Spock demonstrates; But Elly May does not faint)
Elly May: Well, that sure is a nerve, a-grabbin at somebody's neck like that. Most folks'd be so offended, they'd leave ya be entirely!
(Spock stares at his hand, just wondering)
(Jethro waves and comes by; He is jumped by The Mugato)
Kirk: Jethro, don't move! I'll....
(Jethro simply punches The Mugato, who recoils)
Jethro: Hiya, Cousin Jim! Elly May--I abide your critters. But that one just keeps a jumpin me.
Elly May: (Grabs Mugato by the horn) Now look here, Mugie! Jethro here may be as dumb as an outhouse seat--but I warned ya bout jumpin folks. It ain't hardly proper. Now you go and clean the Cee-ment Sea! Git!
(Mugato grabs pool bug-net; Looks very afraid as it grunts and walks away)
Jethro: Cousin Jim--ya want I should tell my Uncle y'all are here?
Kirk: Yes, Jethro. If you would.
(Jethro puts his hand by the side of his mouth)
Jeth: Hey, Uncle Jed....
(Elly May punches him in arm)
Elly May: That ain't the way you do it!
(Whistles with two fingers; Yells at top of lungs)
Elly May: PA!!! COUSIN JIM AND TWO OF HIS FRIENDS IS HERE!!!
(Spock rubs at one ear)
(From inside emerges Jed Clampett; He's also rubbing his ear)
Jed: Elly May--I was just right inside the door!
Elly May: (Clueless) Ya wuz after I hollered for ya, Pa.
Jed: Jim--you are a sight. Wellll-Doggy! A Starship Captain. Can I ask ya somethin'?
Kirk: Of course, Jed.
Jed: Now--just what is it a starship Captain does?
Kirk: (Surprised) Errr-me an my crew go out among the stars. We explore the secrets of those uncounted stars.
Jed: Ya mean y'all ain't even bothered to count em' all? Jim, that ain't hardly like you. You used to be such a hard workin' man.
Spock: Mister Clampett, there are over 100 billion stars in our galaxy alone.
Jed: See? Now yer friend here, he already went and started countin. I'm right disappointed in you, Jim.
(McCoy thinks of his own rural upbringing)
McCoy: Mister Clampett, its not Jim's fault. He's suffering from--errrr-- Romulan Rheumatism. Isn't that right, Spock?
Spock: Indeed. He had meant to get---ta countin.
Jed: Well, why din't ya tell me? Now, Jim--you know we got a cure round these parts for all types of Rheumatism.
(They all follow Jed inside the house; Through to the kitchen)
Kirk: Jed--we're really here to talk about purchasing your dilithium for the Federation.
Jed: Well, Jim---I'm afraid you're gonna haveta compete with those Klingon fellas. They showed up first, so's they have first say.
(In the kitchen with Granny are Kang, Kor, and Koloth)
Kang: You will never have this planet, Kirk! The Empire will....
(Granny pushes Kang down into his chair)
Granny: Now you be peaceable and eat your meal!
(Kang looks at his plate)
Kang: What....is this?
(Granny nods and smiles)
Granny: A local specialty---Serpent Worms!
(Kang covers his mouth)
Kang: Gag!
Granny: Now that's a right good name fer it--Gagh!
(Not wishing to offend, the other two Klingons grin and eat their meals)
Koloth: A--a warrior's best meal!
Kor: Too bad we can't introduce some back in The Empire.
(Granny smiles)
Granny: I thought you might feel that way. So's I made plenty more. Enough to feed all of Q'onos!
(The Klingons roll their eyes; Kirk points)
Kirk: Jed--the Klingons are fiends. They ravage local environments. That swamp two miles away? They'll drain it and destroy its ecosystem!
Jed: Well, Howdy! That's right friendly of em'.
Jethro: That durned swamp is chock full of gators and skeeters!
Koloth: Mister Clampett---these weaklings will try to collect your rifles and take them away from you!
Jed: (Goes to the closet where thousands of rifles lay) Jim, if you do that, I'd be a grateful man. I got too durned many of these things.
Elly: Not ta mention the ones I got in my room. Pa, if Cousin Jim'll do that, I say we go with him.
Jed: Okay, then. Oh, Granny--Jim here has got hissself a touch of the rheumatis. You got some moonshine, help clear that up?
(McCoy thinks quickly)
McCoy: No-no! He HAD rheumatism. I cured it. Just before we beamed down.
Jim: (Smiles) Besides, that moonshine--is strong stuff. I'll pass, folks.
Granny: Hmmmm. A McCoy who's a Doctor, eh? Must come in handy, what with your kin a-goin at The Hatfields all the time!
McCoy: Well, Ma'am--I'm not one of those McCoys. My family was originally from a place called Bugtussle.
(Granny gets enraged)
Granny: Jed! Its one of them local McCoys! Fetch the shotgun!
(Except for the Klingons, they all run out, trying to restrain Granny as she chases McCoy)
Kang: So--Kirk fears this moonshine.
Kor: Well, I don't. Humans are so soft.
Koloth: This setback aside, let us toast the victory of the Klingon Empire!
(They drink; Then fall to the ground, screaming)
Kang: What--what's happened to us?
Kor: We're--we're freaks!
(Now, instead of TOS Klingons, they look like Movie/TNG Klingons)
Koloth: How can we go home like this?
Kor: Wait---what if we mix this moonshine into our homeworld's water supply?
Kang: We won't be freaks if everyone looks like this!
Koloth: If anyone asks--we'll just say we don't discuss it with outsiders!
Kang: Bring those serpent-worms! We'll sneak the moonshine in while everyone's gagging on them!
Kor: Yes. No way true Klingons would like these things.
(They leave)
(Outside--Granny has calmed down)
Granny: Lenny--ya shoulda told me ya wuz a McCoy from East Bugtussle. Its them West Bugtusslers ya hafta keep an eye on.
McCoy: Well, everyone knows that, Mrs. Moses. Do you have any collard greens?
Granny: Lemme check. Jethro! You eat lunch yet?
Jethro: No, Granny.
(Turns back to McCoy)
Granny: We got some, then.
Jed: Well, I guess we better get ridda all them Klingon phasers. Dangerous things. Doesn't leave hide nor hair left o' what you're huntin!
Jethro: Oh, don't you worry none, Uncle Jed. I made them phasers too heavy to carry around.
Spock: Jethro--how precisely did you accomplish this?
Jethro: Easy. They's a button on them, that makes them a load. So's I set em
to overload!
(The Drysdales house next door goes sky-high as they all stare)
Jed : Jim?
Jed: Yes, Jed?
Jed: Someday---I gotta have a loooong talk with that boy!
(On The Bridge, the TOS Seven emerge from the lift and begin waving)
Well, Now Its Time To Say Goodbye To Jim And All His Crew; And They Would Like To Thank You Folks For Kindly Passin' Through; You're All Invited Back Next Week To The Enterprise Right Here; To Explore Strange New Worlds Out In The Space Frontier; Final That Is; Seek Out New Civilizations; Y'All Come Back Now--Ya Hear?
Coming Soon - Deep Space Petticoat Junction and Green Acres: The Next Generation--and on Thursday -- Get Janeway!