Warning: Boylove, swearing, violence, mentions of anorexia, self harm, paedophilia, and of course, the horrible butchering of Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy characters.

Pairings: AkuRoku, Zemyx, XigDem, MeganxSeifer, some MarVex, possibly Cleon later on... what? I'm a fangirl, so sue me!

This is my first fanfic, so if you guys hate it... well, I don't blame you. Feel free to flame me, but just so you know, every time you flame a fanfiction, a chocobo dies...

Oh, and I don't own these characters, which is probably for the best, since I would do things to Axel that would... ANYWAY, on with the story!

Lexaeus

One thing that really, really, really hurt was arriving in English and not seeing Megan.

I had suffered through counselling and guilt and sleepless nights, loneliness and depression, all with one thing in mind: "I'll see Megan and Naminé soon." Naminé and Megan were complete polar opposites of each other, and Megan was more similar to me than Nami, but that didn't mean for a second that I liked Megan more. I spent more time with Megan, true, but only because Naminé was really sweet, and I couldn't handle her in more than small doses.

But she wasn't in English. I sat on my own until Xigbar showed up, then quietly got up and quietly crossed the room and quietly asked where Megan was. Apparently she'd been with Marluxia all day.

I wasn't a big fan of Marluxia, incidentally, because he was such a fucking girl, but he helped Megan a lot, so I ignored him.

I spent the rest of the lesson chewing my fingernails compulsively, staring out of the window, and wondering why nobody I liked was single.

"Lex?" I looked up. Megan was standing over me, the first period of double English having just finished. "You okay?"

"Megan! Shit, I'm glad you're back." I very rarely hug people, but today I hugged Megan, just because I was glad to see her. "Everything okay? I know you spent a lot of time with Marly today..."

"Yeah, I've just been a little... aggressive this morning. So... yeah. But anyway, are you all right? You look really tense."

I sighed. "I just, um, well... I didn't think you were... coming back."

"Well, ain't you a sweetheart." She dug through her pockets. "Look. Look at these fucking things." I watched silently as she produced a sheet of pills and held them up, eyeing them with contempt. "I am on fucking antidepressants, Lexaeus. I have never been more pissed off with Marluxia in my life."

"Shit, Megan, that sucks." I took them out of her hands and looked at them. "Hey, this isn't right, yours are stronger than mine."

"Wait, you're on them too?" she asked, sounding a little less angry about the medication when she heard that she wasn't the only one. "Well... okay. So why are mine stronger?"

"Well, I was on this strength, but then things got better and I hated the side effects so they gave me weaker ones." I turned them over in my hands, looking at the size of the pills and listening to the horrifyingly familiar shake of tablets in a plastic sheet. "It's weird, though, because I'm a whole lot bigger than you, so you should be on a weaker dose anyway, right?"

"Yeah, I guess. Maybe I'm just really depressed." She shrugged. "I don't wanna take them, though. What are they even like? Do they help?"

"They're not gonna help if... okay, I'm gonna tell you what the doctor told me. It's like, there are almost two categories of depression, organic and reactive. If you have organic depression, it's like, you would be depressed whatever's going on, because of a hormone imbalance or whatever, so these are going to help. But if it's reactive depression, that's depression that is a response to events in your life, and antidepressants aren't going to help because they're not dealing with the issues in your life at the moment, right? They might even make you feel worse. And the side effects aren't great." I shook my head, remembering the side effects. Not fun. "So, what do you think? Organic or reactive?"

"Um... I dunno. I can never remember being happy, but I can't remember having anything but shit going on around me, so... anyway." She took the pills back off me. "You think I should actually take 'em?"

"If you want." I frowned, seeing another gap in the logic of Megan being prescribed strong antidepressants. "Marluxia doesn't have the power to prescribe medicines, though, does he?"

She shook her head, smiling wryly. "No, but Aeris apparently does. She was sweet about it, I admit that. She was like "Now, I know you're gonna feel bad about taking these, but it's really normal. There are other kids in your grade who take these, and they're still themselves." Aeris is actually really nice."

"Yeah. D'you like her?"

Megan laughed. "I'm straight, Lex! And even if I weren't, I don't like every single girl I meet, right? Like, you aren't crushing on every guy in here, right?"

I thought about this. "Seifer and Rai are okay but too big, I would have Harry all over the floor, Xigbar's cute, although Demyx would have some problems with that, and he's a bit old for me, the blonde over there is fine... but then, I'm a guy, my sex drive is a little higher than yours."

"Oh, come on, there's gotta be at least one guy you don't wanna fuck," Megan insisted, laughing and looking around the room. "Um... Jacob?"

"Huh, he's not that hot, but you know, if he were up for it..." She rolled her eyes. "Okay, there is one guy, not in this class, that I would never, ever even think about."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah." I grinned at her. "Lee –"

"Do not speak his name," she growled, and I chuckled. "Not funny, Lex. Demyx nearly –"

"I know, I know. But you're the one always kidding about me stabbing people." Megan scowled. "I know I piss you off, but you love me."

"I hate you. I hate you so bad. Leave me alone." She was laughing, though, and she shoved me lightly, attracting the attention of Seifer, who glared daggers at me. He was always glaring at me. One day, he was going to understand that Megan was gay, and that I was gay, and that there was nothing going on, and that he didn't have a chance with her anyway. Even in the event that Megan was straight, she wasn't going to touch him with a burning stick, because apart from anything else, she wouldn't touch anyone with a burning stick.

"Hey. Lexaeus." I looked over at him, smiling brightly and deciding to play on the whole "I'm hitting on your girl, man" thing, leaving my arm loosely around Megan's waist, just to piss him off. "Haven't seen you in a while."

"Yeah, well, I broke some bones and shit." Megan rolled her eyes discreetly and pulled away from me, glaring at Seifer. "I missed you, you know."

He just looked at me. "Oh, really? Looks like you missed Meggy even more." Her jaw locked at being called Meggy, especially by this guy, who was sliming all over the place being rather attractive but manipulative and evil and shit. "Did you miss him, Megan?"

"Yeah, I did." She hugged me, and I felt her shaking a little. I couldn't tell whether that was from the exhaustion, or whether she was just scared of Seifer. "He's one of my best friends, you know."

Seifer was still sizing me up, analysing the light physical contact between us, the casual hug that Megan was using more for security than anything else, scowling heavily at me. "Yeah, well."

"What? You don't like Lex?" She was clearly playing the whole "I'm getting hit on by this guy you hate" card as much as I was, just to piss Seifer off.

"No, I don't. Thought you weren't talking to me, anyway?" He was being sharp but I could see the clinginess, the begging in the back of his eyes. Megan, however, is not really good at seeing things like that, and scowled.

"Evidently I am. And just... look, don't be a bitch to Lex, right?"

He nodded slowly, glancing at Xigbar. "Right. I won't be a bitch to Stabby over there... at least, not while you're around."

I froze completely. The entire world froze completely. He called me Stabby. He knew. He fucking knew. How did he fucking know?

"Seifer, did you just call Lex Stabby?" She made it sound as if it were the most ludicrous thing you could possibly call someone, which I appreciated.

He grinned evilly and I swallowed, fighting the nausea and guilt and anger that was swimming around in my stomach. "Yep. And you know why, don't you, Meggy?"

She growled, low and kinda cute in the back of her throat. When you spend enough time with Megan (and this is something Demyx agrees with me on) a lot of her threatening little tricks just become kind of endearing and sweet. I suppose it also helps that I'm gay and don't fall for the sex appeal, which I think she exploits completely unknowingly to gain power over guys who want it but can't get it and girls who want to have what she has but don't know how to go about it. (Naminé and I have some very deep conversations about our pyromaniac best friend sometimes. We also talk about guys a lot. It's cool.) "You're a dick, Seifer."

He just smiled even more, probably quite enjoying her anger. I happen to know that if you're sexually attracted to someone, you are often quite turned on by them being angry. "Don't worry, Meggy, I won't tell anyone." She scowled even more. "As long as you're pleasant to me, I'll be pleasant to you, right?"

He was cute, but my God I hated his guts.

"Hey! Lexaeus, Megan, Seifer, everything okay?" Xigbar was suddenly right next to us. I actually learned from Marluxia that Xigbar can fuck around with space a lot. So, like, he can warp from place to place and weird shit like that. It's like how Megan is learning to talk to fire, except cooler and less lethal. "We don't want you guys fighting, right? Just simmer down."

"Oh, shut up, just because you're fucking her brother," Seifer said scathingly, for the whole class to hear. There was a horrible, sickening silence, in which Xigbar and Megan both looked stricken. The thing is, it was pretty much common knowledge that there was something between Demyx and Xigbar, but nobody had ever really called him up on it. And if people were actually throwing around loud accusations about him, and claiming that he actually was having sex with an underage student, well, he was going to get into shit.

"Seifer, first of all, no, I'm not." Xigbar's voice was deadly quiet, and I saw quite a lot of Megan in him. Megan herself actually pulled closer to me, either scared or miserable, I couldn't really tell. "Second, whatever the fuck is going on with me and Demyx, it's not going to affect my treatment of Megan. I'm not that unprofessional. And third, all I said was to simmer down, because Megan likes fire a lot and you're not a big fan of being set fire to, right? So just quit being a dick and leave Lexaeus and Megan alone."

He earned himself a smattering of applause for that, because not everybody loves Seifer, and everybody loves seeing someone being taken down a notch by someone like Xigbar, someone who gets all their respect through being nice but also not taking bullshit. Grinning, Megan pulled away from me a little as Seifer skulked off, everyone still sniggering behind his back. Xigbar returned to whatever he did instead of teaching, and Megan leaned against a wall, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. "Tired?"

She didn't usually admit to things like that around other people, but just for me, she nodded.

Roxas

Back home, all on my own for a change because Megan and Dem were still at school, I wandered around the house a bit, did some half-hearted cleaning, and then tripped up the stairs. I figured maybe I would see if there was any tidying I could do for Megan, since I doubt organisation was her main priority at the moment, but I stopped dead halfway up the staircase. I could hear a sort of low rumble from upstairs and figured that even if it wasn't Dad-related I didn't really want to know about it.

I had to admit that I was far more scared of Dad than I was of Megan. Or anyone.

Heading back down the stairs I noticed cat hairs or some shit on the carpet. Great. I didn't even know how we would go about getting rid of cat hairs on the carpet; I don't think we ever owned a vacuum cleaner. I don't think I would know how to use one. I sighed and dropped off the last step, then let my eyes flick over to the doormat. We had mail. That wasn't a surprise. We usually got bombarded by bills and junk mail, neither of which interested me, but today there was an envelope without an address, just my full name handwritten in the centre.

If it was a love letter from Axel I would probably have to kill him. I mean, being gay is one thing, but being that gay is kinda sickening. I told myself I didn't absolutely love it as I picked up the small paper rectangle I told myself that Axel was annoying and that our relationship wouldn't last forever as I tore into the envelope, pulling out a piece of paper with purple writing all over it. Not Axel's handwriting, I thought, trying not to feel too disappointed. Hadn't I just been thinking that love letters were gross and girly and stupid?

I almost didn't want to read it now, but I knew that if I didn't, I'd be curious for weeks. Sighing, I walked to the kitchen, letting my eyes drift down to the paper in both hands.

Roxas,

You probably don't remember me. My name is Sora. Sora's name did sound familiar, but I couldn't pin a face to it as I opened the fridge and took out an apple. I did try and leave those for Nami, but man cannot live on Oreos alone. I've been looking for you for a while now. That sounds creepy, but I can't explain now. I'm worried someone will find this letter who shouldn't. Maybe he knew about Dad. I just wanted to let you know I'm still around, you know, if you want to look me up or anything. Maybe you do remember me, but I won't get my hopes up about that; you were only tiny when you went away. Just give it some thought. Give me some thought. My surname is the same as yours. I'm on Facebook, but you'd have to add me to see any of my pictures or anything – I'm kind of paranoid about internet safety. One of my friends had a bad experience with someone online. If you want to meet me in person some time I could tell you all about it. I'd really like to meet up with you, Roxas. I know you don't miss me, or you would have come looking, but I miss you.

Yours sincerely,

Sora.

I took a very deep breath and folded the letter back up, biting into my apple again. I knew he wasn't immediate family or I would know about him, so that ruled out the possibility of him being my brother, dad, uncle or cousin... I couldn't really tell whether I actually cared about this supposed relative of mine or whether I was just kind of curious. I finished my apple and went back into the front room, hoping there was at least one laptop in there that I could look up this Sora kid on.

Halfway through the door, though, my phone rang.

"Hello?" I said, leaning against the doorframe.

Of course, there was only one person it logically could be. "Roxie..."

I sighed heavily. "What's up, Axel?"
He giggled. Oh, god. "I had beer..." I could kind of tell by the fact that your speech is almost incomprehensible. "Lots... of beer..."

"Why did you have lots of beer?" I asked softly, sitting down on the sofa and cramming Sora's letter into my pocket.

There was someone laughing and shouting in the background. "I found my brother!" He was yelling now, somewhere between excited and angry. I pulled my phone a little further away from my ear, lest my drunken boyfriend deafen me, and sighed. "I found him!"

"That's great, Axel, and I –"

He hissed at me. Wow. Okay, I would let him speak. "I wanna talk! I have a list."

"A... list?"

"A list. Of things." He hiccuped. It was kinda cute, in all honesty. "Things that are wrong with our relationship." Oh. There were things wrong? "Number one: We have too much sex." Damn straight we did. We were putting the children of Trojan employees through college. "I like the sex, but you think it's too much. Too much is bad. Number two is that... uhh..." His voice fell into a mumble: "What, what does this say, Reno? ...oh. Okay. Thanks. Yeah, number two is that you don't have any pet names for me."

"Well, if you want then I can –" I began, but he growled.

"Number three," he ground out, as his brother quietened down, "is that your family is fucked up but you won't... you don't wanna leave them." There was a loud crash. "Fuck – fuck, I need to go – I love you, but I'm mad at you, but I wanna fuck you – just – talk later?"

I nodded, frowning worriedly. "I love you too, babe. Sure we can talk later." He had hung up while I was talking and I closed my phone, sighing. I should probably make sure he was okay. I got to my feet, grabbed my wallet and jacket and shot out of the door, heart hammering in my head. That boy would be the end of me.

But what a sweet and sticky end it'll be.

The letter felt heavy in my pocket. I decided not to think about it until I knew Axel was okay. His house was about a twenty-minute walk from mine, or ten minutes if I'm as worried as I was right now. His front door seemed to glow when I approached it – speed-walking a mile or so isn't exactly the most fun I've ever had, especially when I was starting to freak out as well. I knocked on the door and his mom answered it, looking pleased to see me until she saw the look on my face.

"Is Axel okay?" I asked urgently, and her face fell even further.

"I – I thought he was with you!" Fuck. So he wasn't here. Fuck. "I thought, you know, he walked you home –"

I shook my head. "I got this phone call..."

The more I explained, the worse it sounded, and I found myself shaking hard. I was scared. I was very scared because I was very in love with Axel, and I very much wanted him to be okay.

Within ten minutes, Axel's mom had relayed the story to his dad and grandma as well and we were in their car. I think Angie was talking to me about how it wasn't my fault, but I didn't pay much attention. I was kind of busy freaking out.

At least this way, that letter was the furthest thing from my mind. I was kind of too busy completely fucking freaking the fuck out.

"Roxas, hand me your phone," Axel's mom said, and I did so. There was some rapid tapping of buttons, and then she growled in frustration. "I used to be able to – back when I worked for – AHA!"

I jumped out of my skin, but Axel's dad just chuckled. "You still love hacking that much, Ella?"

Angie chuckled too and I found myself almost smiling, even though I still felt sick with fear. "Of course she does, she's as much a delinquent as the boys." I have to agree there; I've overheard her discussing lockpicking, hacking and shoplifting, and I'm pretty sure I've seen her name and initials graffitied in various dirty corners of the town. "You traced the call, I assume?"

"Among other things." She handed my phone back to me. "You've got unlimited calls and texts now, and your internet should run much faster." I just let my mouth hang open. "And start putting kisses on the end of your texts to Axel, he'll only pout otherwise."

I nodded slowly as the car sped up, clinging to my phone as though it would protect me from Axel's dad's terrifying driving, even worse with Ella giving semi-coherent directions.

We pulled up outside what looked like a decrepit car park and got out. I wasn't really sure why the whole family had decided to tag along. That is, until Angie picked up her walking stick and smashed a door down with it, then bellowed "Axel?!"

There were two fairly similar voices, one of which I knew all too well, coming from one of the upper floors. I pushed ahead of Angie, barely even caring about the fact that I had just shoved my boyfriend's grandma a little, and sprinted up a filthy, damp staircase. Axel was sitting on the damp, dirty floor, giggling hysterically, with a boy that looked like an older version of himself but with bags under his bloodshot eyes, and even skinnier than my already too-skinny boyfriend. "Roxie?" Axel said, looking up at me confusedly. "Why...?"

"You fucking scared me, Axel," I whispered, falling to my knees a foot away from him and looking at him. He didn't look... himself. "How much have you had to drink?"

I couldn't hear his parents or his grandma and I assumed they were still on the floor below. They probably assumed I knew what I was doing. (I didn't.) "Some... stuff..." He giggled again. "You should try –"

"No, thanks." Thanks to Demyx's last boyfriend, I knew weed when I smelt it, and I wasn't even going to let him offer. "Axel, I know you're pleased to see your brother and all, and I'm not gonna ask you to leave him or anything, but maybe we should get you up off the ground? Your clothes will get all dirty." I held a hand out to him and he took it, trusting as a small child, and together we got to our feet. "You too, uh –"

"Reno." He reached back and adjusted his greasy ponytail. "N' I'm fine."

Axel leaned against me, giggling weakly again. "This my Roxie," he said thickly, pointing to me and accidentally poking my arm quite hard. "Told you he's hot..."

Reno nodded, licking his teeth in a kind of scary way. "He is..."

"Your family's downstairs," I said abruptly. "Do... do you wanna..."

Reno shook his head but Axel nodded, and I took a deep breath as the two stared each other down, Axel's venom-green eyes brighter and fiercer than his brother's, who just looked worn down and tired. "Lego," he muttered, which I believe meant "Let's go", and I helped him very slowly and carefully down the stairs, not turning to check that Reno was following. I knew he wouldn't be.

Axel looked heartbroken when we reached the ground floor and Ella only said, softly, "He's not coming home, is he?"

The ride back to Axel's place was quiet and agonising, and I wrapped my arms around his waist in the backseat, him mumbling drunkenly about how lucky he was to at least have me. Every adult in the car was silent, jaws tight and eyebrows tighter, the perfect picture of loss.

I would tell Axel about the letter in my pocket when he was sober. And when I wouldn't feel awful for gaining a relative just as he re-lost one.

xxx

Ughhh. I'm really having issues with writing at the moment, for personal reasons that you can PM me about if you give a shit, so this chapter took much longer than it should have. It's here now, though, and it's dedicated to xionnevermore, one of my all-time favourite reviewers and the main reason I'm even bothering to continue this fic. Thanks to her and to all my other readers for helping me to keep writing, and loves to you all :D