Chapter 36
I sit, fingers knotted together as tight as possible. Even Posy in my lap isn't helping me relax any. In just a few minutes Madge is going to appear on the screen in front of me and I'm going to get my first glimpse of her in what feels like forever. I haven't slept a single minute. I feel like pure hell. Look like it too. Haven't found a way to close my eyes without seeing terrible visions of Madge in the games. Rory's been spending every spare second he has with me. It helps, it does. It just won't, just can't fix it. Mrs. Everdeen sent Prim over with a tea she recommends that I drink. Said it would help me sleep. I haven't touched it yet for fear of actually sleeping. For fear of being trapped in a nightmare where I'll have to watch Madge die. Eventually, I'm sure I'll fall asleep. My body won't hold out much longer. I just need to see her, with my own eyes. Need to see that she's holding up okay.
I watch as the chariots spill out, making their way down towards the end of the hall where Snow and his game makers sit. The chariots go in order of district so of course I have to wait for Madge to go last. I lean forward when she starts to come into view. She's not flaming like Katniss was last year but it's something similar. She's all glistening from head to toe. Sparking. That's it, she's not a flame, but a spark. Even her hair seems to be sparking. The camera zooms in close and she's smiling big as ever. It's an illusion smile though. I've long since learned to tell the difference though I haven't met anyone else who seems to be able to tell. As her chariot pulls up alongside the others she gets a funny look in her eyes but only for a split second. Then she ever so slightly raises an eyebrow, smiles even bigger and loops her arm through Tripp's arm. I watch to see where she's staring. It looks like she's staring down Snow himself but I can't see for sure. Camera won't pan out enough for me to see. But I'd swear they shared a look. Madge and Snow. What the hell is she doing? Is she challenging him? Taunting him? Did he send her some sort of message? This is so frustrating!
But she looked good. Not scared at all. That's good. That means she must have her head on straight. Must be really focused. I can't ask anymore of her than that. Not right now. I'm not sure how I feel about her looping arms with Tripp. I trust her, it isn't that at all. And I'd even dare to say that I trust Tripp. I honestly think he meant it when he said he'd never disrespect the relationship between Madge and I. But I don't like knowing how all this newfound information about his love for her might affect her in the games. I worry that it'll slow her down, change her strategy or game play. I'll forever owe Tripp for what he did for Rory. It doesn't matter that he did it for Madge or because he loves her. Either way, his death saves Rory. I'm always going to feel as if I owe him and his family. And it's an un-repayable debt.
My heart sinks as the screen flickers and goes black. No more seeing Madge today.
"Madge sure looked pretty!" Posy tells me, proud of how her sister in law looked on the big screen. She has no idea the gravity of what the games mean. I smile at her, ruffle her hair and hand her to my mother.
"Gale, I want you to go home and get in bed. You look awful."
"I know Ma. Just can't close my eyes without seeing horrible stuff."
"You won't do her any good falling apart yourself. You have to take care of yourself."
"I'll try, okay?" I tell her, giving her an exhausted and annoyed look. I hate it but I know she's right. I head home and stoke the fire in the stove hoping to warm up this drafty place before crawling into bed, pulling the covers over my head. I scrunch Madge's pillow up and press my face to it. It smells like her. God, I miss her so bad.
I'm asleep only for a little while before my dreams pull me from my slumber. These damn dreams are gonna be the death of me. I have to sleep. Just have too. I haven't bought any liquor lately but I think I'm gonna have to. I don't know what else to do. I can't bear the horror of the dreams where I have to watch Madge die but I also can't bear to not sleep. That isn't an option right now though. I resort to the tea from Mrs. Everdeen. I heat up some water and brew a cup of the tea. Smells up the place something awful and I'm dreading bringing it to my lips. Doesn't look any better either. Murky, orangeish colored liquid. I take a deep breath and tip it back, swallowing it down in a few giant gulps, burning my tongue in the process. It must work though because in a few minutes my eyelids begin to droop and I crawl back into our bed.
Next thing I know, I'm waking up and I'm all confused. It's dark, but I feel rested. How long was I asleep? Not long enough if it's still dark. And wait. I smell something. Food. I smell food. Why the hell do I smell food? I get up, walk to the kitchen and find Rory sitting at the table reading a book. I see a pot of something on the stove. Must be what I smell.
"You cooked something?" I ask, rubbing my eyes as I enter the kitchen.
"Oh hey, you're finally up. Yeah, I heated up some stuff Mrs. Everdeen sent over. Pretty good."
"Finally up? How long have you been waiting for me?"
"Uh, you've been asleep for almost 24 hours." He says looking at me like I'm crazy.
"What? Seriously?"
"Yeah. Ma and I came by last night to check on you and see if you'd been able to sleep and you were out cold. Ma went on home and I stayed over. Kept the fire going and stuff. Ma even came by with Posy today while I was at school and she said you didn't look like you'd moved an inch. Sound asleep."
"I slept through a visit from Posy? Geez, what the hell was in that tea from Mrs. Everdeen?" I wonder aloud. Posy's the least quiet person I know and if I slept through her presence I must have really, really been out of it. And I can't believe I slept so long. I missed a whole day.
"Prim brought over the food. Some kind of soup with chicken and pasta in it. Prim said Katniss told her to make sure we all stay fed while Madge is gone."
"I can take care of our family just fine. Katniss knows that. I wish she'd stop doing this crap." I say, feeling annoyance wash over me.
"New mayor is keeping the fence on all the time. You can't get out there to hunt. And you know you won't make enough money working cut shift hours." Rory reasons with me without even looking up from his book.
"Whatever. As soon as things get back to normal around here, I'm paying them back for everything." I say as I spoon the soup into my mouth. I'd forgotten how I burned my tongue on the tea and the hot soup stings as I swallow it. I keep eating though. Too hungry not too and the warmness of it helps me shake the chill that's forever lingering in this place.
"Normal, huh?" He scoffs, still looking at his book.
"Shut up. What are you reading anyways? Never figured you to be a bookworm."
"Some old book Madge gave me awhile back. I never bothered to read it but figured now was as good a time as any. Thought maybe I'd tell what I thought about it when she got back." He says, holding up one of the oldest books I've ever seen.
"What's it about?"
"Dunno yet. It's kinda hard to read. Like it's written in funny words. Some guy named Shakespere wrote it. Madge said he was like super famous a long time ago."
"Never heard of him. Can't be too famous."
"Have you heard of any authors?" He chides.
"You going home anytime soon or you planning on sitting around here giving me crap all night?" I spit back knowing full well that he's right. I couldn't name a single author if I tried too. Books never were my thing.
"Well, I was planning on sticking around for awhile but I think I'll go on home seeing as how you're all nice and grumpy." He says, closing his book and leaving it on the table. He retrieves his coat from a hook by the door and says goodnight as he leaves.
Alone in my house again, my thoughts start to shift to Madge again. How is she? How did her first day in the training center go? Is she able to get in some good practice on the weapons? We never did find anything for her to work with. She was just too damn small. Too tiny. I wonder if she's calm enough to sleep or to eat. Wonder if she's holding it together or if she's hanging by a thread, about to fall to pieces. And that's all I can do. Wonder. I'll see her again at the next viewing, for the announcements of the scores. The scores that let sponsors know what the game makers think of each tribute. I doubt she'll get much of a score seeing as how weaponry and fighting aren't a strong suit of hers. She has learned a lot about survival though so maybe that will be helpful in showing them what she knows, what she can do. I figure the interview is where she's gonna haul in the bulk of her sponsors. Interview she could breeze through in her sleep.
I finish up my dinner and decide I need to get out of this house for a little while. I put on my coat and head out for a walk. It's cold and windy. Not exactly prime walking weather but I don't care. I just need to be doing something other than sitting around missing Madge. I walk through the quiet night streets of the Seam and end up in town. I go sit in the meadow, near Madge's old house. The new Mayor and his family have apparently decided not to keep Madge's garden. Looks like they've cleared out all that hard work she put into it. It's painful to see it. Painful to watch something she loved so much be destroyed for no reason. They probably aren't even planning to do anything in particular with all that land anyway so why not just leave it be? Madge is going to be devastated when she sees this. Sure, she was forbidden from using the garden anymore but it was still her hard work. And it had special meaning for me too. If not for that garden, Madge and I may never have gotten together. It was that garden that caused Rory to go out into the woods searching for me, which lead to his being trapped on the other side of the fence, which lead to Madge showing me a side of her I never knew existed. She broke the law to save his life and opened my eyes to the side of her that no one ever gets to see. It kills me to know that she and I had so many firsts at this house and how all that was taken away in an instant by the Capitol. The back steps of the house where I found myself kissing her for the very first time. The bedroom with a balcony overlooking town where she and I spent our first night together. The garden shed where we used to meet at midnight before sneaking off into the woods together. The dinner table where we shared dinner with our families the night before we married. All gone from our grasp. Now belonging to some new Mayor and his family. They'll never know the gravity of the love that bloomed in and around that house.
I shake my head, close my eyes and lay back into the grass of the meadow. The ground is freezing but it doesn't matter. This too reminds me of Madge. The night I fell asleep, dreamed of kissing her and woke to find her standing over me in that ruffled nightgown. That damned ruffled nightgown. I smile just thinking about it. I lay in the grass for a little while longer, trying to focus on happy memories and thoughts rather than the lonely, bitter ones. Eventually the cold gets to me and I decide to head back home. As I'm walking I end up running into Marah Krull. Literally running into her as I round one of the buildings on the edge of town.
"Uh, sorry." I say. It's so awkward talking to her. I can't imagine how she feels about Madge right about now given what Tripp just did and I'm sure the sight of me isn't bringing on happy feelings.
"For what? Bumping into me or the death of my brother?" She says cruelly with a stone cold face.
"Both I reckon." I say as I start to push passed her and continue on my way. I know she can't help but hate me and Madge right now, even if we didn't know that Tripp was gonna do all this.
"Did you know? Did you have any idea how in love with your wife my brother was?" She asks and I spin around to face her.
"No, I didn't. Had no clue."
"So that wasn't you who bashed in his face a few months ago when he bought her flowers?"
"Well, yeah, that was me. But that was way before. I had no idea how much he liked her or that he'd fallen in love with her. We weren't exactly friends, Tripp and I."
"Well he loved her. The whole time. And no matter how much I kept telling him he was wasting his time, he never listened. And then he went and did the most stupid thing he could possibly do. And it was all for her."
"Look, I can't imagine what it's like to have a brother volunteer like Tripp did, but I do know what it feels like to have someone you love going into the games. It's awful. The worst feeling. And for whatever it's worth, I'm sorry." I tell her trying desperately to be patient with her. She's going through the same horrible thing that I am but in her own, tormented way. And I feel like I owe her family for Rory's safety. I can't even fault her for how she's acting right now. I'd be even worse if the situation were reversed.
"Yeah, I'm sure you are." She spits back and then turns on her heel continuing on to wherever it was she was heading. If, I mean when, Madge makes it back, she's going to need to steer clear of Marah for a long time. Marah's going to hate her forever over the loss of Tripp and I'm not sure Madge is going to be able to deal with that kind of guilt.
Back at home my fire has gone out in the stove and the house is freaking cold. I swear it's colder inside than it was outside. I restart the fire and hover in front of the stove for awhile, warming my hands as the heat begins to radiate out. Then I sit down at the table, eyeing the book that Rory left here. Guess he's planning on reading it next time he comes over. It looks crazy old, only Madge would have a book this old. I imagine it was extremely expensive. A remnant of her wealthy life. Most people in 12 don't even own any books other than the few school books. They're rare and cost a lot. Most people in 12 have better things to spend their money on than dusty old books. I run my fingers over the brittle pages of the book. Was this a favorite book of hers? Was it a gift or just one of her many things? Did she read it over and over until she knew it by heart? She must have liked it if she wanted Rory to read it. I don't feel like sleeping yet so I decide to read some of it. May be nice to surprise her when she comes back by letting her know I read it too. I know she'd never expect me to read it. She knows I hate reading. I start reading and almost immediately realize Rory was telling the truth earlier when he said it was written in funny words. I don't know what in the hell these words are saying. I'm reading them but it doesn't make any sense to me. I flip through pages, scanning over words on pages, not really trying to comprehend anymore, when my eyes catch on a phrase.
"Find though she be but little, she is fierce!"
I read it aloud and sit in awe of what it says to me in this moment. It's for Madge. Though she may be but little, she is fierce. I'm amazed at the comfort this one single phrase provides me. It's like my own little dose of courage, of faith in her ability to make it out of these games and home to me. These words will be my mantra until I have her in my arms again. God, please let her be fierce. Please, please let her be fierce.
A/N and Disclaimer: I do not own Shakespere or Midsummer Night's Dream or the quote "Find though she be but little, she is fierce." All props to Shakespere for that one. But I do love the quote and do think it's fitting for my Madge right about now.