A/N Welcome back to another chapter, this time it's a little trip down memory lane for Nat. I hope you enjoy it!

Invader Johnny: I think you misunderstood something there. It's Nat who tells the baby spiders to call her if something's wrong, not the other way around ;) Though it would be interesting whether Nat would ask those two for help if she'd needed them.

WidowInBlack: Thank you very much. To be honest, I was quite surprised myself how the last oneshot developed but decided to just go with it. Clint will never let her live it down, that's for sure ;) And don't worry about not reviewing on the day of uploading, you did review, didn't you? ;)

Title: Sepia (#90)

Characters: Nat, Steve, Sarah

Word count: ~2500

"Mum, really, what can be that important? I have my final exams the day after tomorrow and I really need to study some more. Like, really. I have no idea why I should be able to name all the directors of SHIELD but aside from Grandpa Nick there are a lot more." Sarah made an attempt to stand up again but Natasha gently pushed her back on the sofa.

"I know. I'm sorry to keep you from studying. Though you could've started earlier."

"Mum!"

A flash of amusement hurried over Natasha's face. "Sorry. The next days I'll be away with Coulson's old Bus Team and before you officially join SHIELD as an agent – because I'm sure you'll pass those stupid exams – I wanted to tell you my story."

Sarah frowned. "What story? I know how you met Dad and I don't know what's that got to do with SHIELD."

"No." Natasha shook her head and sat down on her favourite armchair. "I mean the story about what happened before I met Clint. The story of my upbringing." She watched Steve passing the doorframe and called out to him. "You can come sit and listen, too. I won't tell it again."

"Why now?" Sarah asked quietly, making room on the sofa for her father. "I don't care who you were or what you did back then. I know you didn't do it because you wanted to. You don't have to tell me if it hurts you."

"Same here," Steve chimed in. He sat next to Sarah and leant slightly forward towards Natasha. "I love who you are and that's it. I know I pestered you a lot about it."

"It's not like I want to tell it but rather because I need to. To protect you, Sarah. At SHIELD, you will hear even more rumours and stories about me than at the Academy. I want you to know what's true and what's not. I don't want you to doubt me. At least not because of some lies."

"Alright."

Natasha stayed quiet for a while, trying to decide on how to start. "I think it all began when Arina and I were caught in that hole. No earlier. When Sezja was given to me." She sighed. "No. It all probably started when I was around four years old. I lived with my parents in the tiniest village you can imagine, around it only snow. My parents died when a fire consumed our house. I made it out. Ivan, a former soldier, took me with him. At least that's what he told me. I lived with him for a year or two and though he wasn't exactly a warm person, he was never hostile towards me. He taught me basics in self-defence. Of surviving in the tundra. And discipline, I guess. He was the one to bring me to the Red Room, a training facility of the KGB only few knew of."

Steve reached out for Natasha and she returned the pressure of his hand with a sad little smile.

"I was in a group with around twenty other girls," Natasha continued. "They taught us everything you can think of. At six I learned how to knife someone. At seven I held a gun in my hand for the first time. At nine we started requiring hacking skills. Hand-to-hand combat was on the curriculum from the start. As was ballet."

"That's why you didn't want me to start it, right?" Sarah's voice was quiet, almost apologising.

Natasha nodded. "Your Dad was right, here you wouldn't make the same experiences as I did, but still I was afraid. I remember dancing every day. Sometimes only a few hours, sometimes until my feet bled and my legs started to give beneath me. And still I twirled and leapt until my instructor would tell me to stop. But I was good. I was the best. I know how that sounds but… You have to understand, both of you. All the while I was in the Red Room, I was told how special I was. Extraordinary. And I believed them. Why should I not? I exceeded all their standards. I mastered every task and exam. When I was eight we were given dogs to take care of."

"Sezja. Right?" Steve's voice was quiet while Sarah blinked at him in confusion. "I remember you mentioned her name once while talking with Akela. I didn't ask because I didn't want to upset you."

"Yes, that was her name. I raised and trained her and I shared my meals with her. When there was thunder she would always lie beneath my bed, just in reach of my hand so I could calm her." A sad smile played on her lips.

Sarah gulped at looked at her hands for a moment. "What happened to Sezja."

Natasha was quiet for a long time. Then she took a deep, calming breath and answered: "I killed her. Because the woman training me wanted me to do it. Because I knew what disobedience what mean. Because she would have died either way." She evaded the looks of both Steve and Sarah and looked down instead, willing the tears back that were caused by the memory at both Sezja and Akela. "She wasn't the last friend I killed. Only the first. And I learned my most important lesson: love is for children."

"Oh, now that starts again." Steve sighed and rolled his eyes.

Natasha smacked his arm. "I'm not saying I still believe in that, but if I'm supposed to tell my story, that's part of it."

"But not anymore. Right?"

"No. Not anymore." Natasha smiled slightly but grew serious again soon. "At twelve the other girls and I were abandoned in the tundra. Supplies only for one of us, a two weeks' march back to the facility. There was a girl, Arina. She was someone like a friend to me. The only friend aside from Sezja I ever had before meeting Clint. We decided to try it together, to share the rations. But she was attacked by a stray wolf and the wound festered. I tried to get her back, I really did, but she-"

"Sshh, it's okay. It's okay."

Natasha only realized she was crying when Steve wrapped his arms around her and gently rocked her. "She wanted me to kill her so I could live. I didn't want to. She was my friend."

"I know. It's okay. We know you didn't want to. Everything is okay. You're safe here. Sarah and I, we won't let anything happen to you." Steve's voice was calm and slowly soothed her. Sarah at first looked at her mother in shock. Never in her life had she seen her that distressed and it was unnerving to see the usually so strong woman in complete dismay. But then she scooted closer and wrapped her arms around both her parents. "I bet Arina is proud you survived. She seems like a good friend."

"That she was." Natasha smiled at her daughter and wiped the tears from her face. "I'm sorry, it's just… I never told this anyone aside from Clint. And I didn't think I'd tell this ever again."

"What happened after Arina?" Sarah asked softly.

Steve threw her a look but Natasha smiled thankfully. "I continued training. There came new girls who were killed away one after the other. Some of them our instructors killed. Some succumbed to illnesses, wounds or experiments gone south. But most I killed. And then, I was maybe fifteen or so, there were only two of us left. Some blonde girl, I don't remember her name. But I do remember Madame B. bringing the Winter Soldier into the facility, claiming that only the best was allowed to train with him and accompany him to missions. We grew up hearing stories of the infamous Winter Soldier. We knew what an honour it would be. So we fought. I won. Sometimes I remember the acknowledging nod of the Winter Soldier while I stood attention, the other girl's blood dripping from my hands. He started to train me. I accompanied him on missions. We grew close."

"Ew, Mum! You and Uncle Bucky? Are you serious?" Sarah grimaced and shook her head as if to delete the information as soon as possible. "That was way much more information than I ever wanted to know."

"You knew Bucky? But why didn't you-" Steve seemed confused.

"Because I only remembered that part after we started working on deactivating his triggers," Natasha answered with a shrug. "They wiped my mind more than once; there still are some parts of my past where I'm not sure whether it was real or an implanted memory."

Steve considered this information with a frown and his mouth standing slightly ajar. "So were you… Did you do… fondue?"

"Fondue?" Sarah chuckled. "Is that some old-fashioned term for sex?"

"We weren't a couple if that's what you're asking." Natasha rolled her eyes. "At least I think we weren't. But, you know, the Siberian nights are pretty cold and-" She cut her word with her trademark smirk. "In the eyes of the Red Room we grew too close, so they separated us, wiped my mind again – probably his, too – and let me graduate. That day I became Black Widow. They made me a monster and sealed it." She looked Sarah directly in the eyes. "You shouldn't even exist. The fact that you are alive is nothing short of a small miracle. The sterilized me. I was never supposed to have children."

"But why?" Sarah frowned, trying to wrap her head around it. "Why did they do that to you?"

Natasha smiled softly. "A child is the sole thing that could matter more than a mission. More than anything. You'll know when you have kids of your own. The Red Room knew that, of course, and they couldn't use any distractions."

"But what about Dad? I mean, if you're in love, wouldn't that also matter more than a mission?"

Natasha took Steve's hand in her own and squeezed it. "That's why we were taught that love is for children. To see love as a weakness, not a strength. Clint and his family showed me that it's not true, that love can be a strength. Without him we wouldn't be where we are today." Again she took a calming breath before she continued her story. "I graduated and I lied, deceived and killed in the name of liars, deceivers and killers. My hands were dripping red. I killed men, women and children when they were in y way or seemed to be a danger to be discovered. I stole more USB-sticks than I can count. I helped bring down regiments and governments to help the KGB's cause. What I mean, is, I did a lot of awful things. And I knew that. Not only by time, but quite from the beginning. But I followed my orders nevertheless. The Red Room had made the woman I became and I knew nothing else. I knew I was wanted by more than one agency, including SHIELD. So I stayed."

"What made you change your mind?"

"Once… Once I burned down a children's hospital. I can still hear their screams at night. I grew worse after you were born and cried at night because you wanted to be fed. But it also helped. Because I was able to help you. But that day I decided I'd rather die than do any more of their dirty work. So I left the KGB, knowing exactly they would do everything to get me and bring me back to the Red Room for re-education. Since I was only good at what I've done all my life, I sold my skills to the highest bidder. I didn't care for whom I worked as long as I could survive. Of course I pissed off more than one party and one of those was SHIELD. Fury sent Clint after me to kill me."

"Kill you?" Sarah frowned. "I remember him telling some kind of fairy-tale but he said Uncle Clint was sent to bring you home, not to kill you."

"Well, I guess that's the PG-rated version of it," Natasha retorted with a smile. "But as you see, he didn't kill me. He decided against orders and brought me into SHIELD which resulted in my becoming his partner. Poor Phil. We really were a handful."

"Did you ever go back?" Sarah asked after a while. "To the Red Room?"

"Once, yes. But the facility was deserted. Nick had sent me there to gather additional information about the Black Widow program to disable it completely, if possible. But the KGB had been faster. Most hard drives wiped or destroyed and there was not one living soul left."

Steve looked at her with one eyebrow raised. After being with her for a very long time, he knew most of the time when Natasha was lying. Natasha noticed his gaze and subtly shook her head. She would explain later.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all of this," Sarah said, throwing her arms around Natasha's neck. "It's not fair!"

Natasha held her tightly and gently kissed her temple. "It's alright. That was a long time ago and if I had grown up with my parents in this small village, I'd never met your Dad."

"Still. I know now why you have nightmares. I would have them, too. Just thinking you were forced to kill children your age while growing up… That's barbaric!"

"Never said I liked growing up this way. And yes, sometimes I still have nightmares but when I wake up Steve and you are there and I know how lucky I am."

"Thank you for telling me. And don't worry, I would never doubt you or Dad. Not because of your past, that is. Whoever wants to try to tell me some shit, I'll meet again in the gym."

"That's the spirit," Natasha grinned and let go of her daughter. "And remember, you'll be an agent because you earned it, not because your parents are two superheroes who got laid."

"Language. Please?" Steve groaned, but laid an arm around Sarah's shoulders. "Your Mom's right, you'll be an asset to SHIELD because you worked hard for it, not because one of us bribed anyone or something. So, why don't you use the remaining time and try to memorize some more directors?"

Sarah sighed heavily. "You know how to remind someone they have work to do. Fine. Thanks again for sharing, Mom."

"You're welcome. Good luck learning."

Steve waited until Sarah's door fell shut, then he turned to Natasha. "Why did you lie about the Red Room? There were people there, weren't they?"

Natasha looked down for a moment before returning Steve's look. "Yes. And I didn't tell because it made me feel again like the monster they had made me. It wasn't pretty." She noticed the curiosity on Steve's face and a sad smile flickered across her lips. "Not today, Steve. There was enough darkness for one day."

2. A/N I kinda teasered two possible further one-shots in this one: Nat meeting Bucky for the first time and her returning to the Red Room for a mission. Would you like to read more about that (if yes, both or just one of it) or is that rather not your kind of cookie? Just let me know, alright?